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Tazer flips through the channels on the outdated TV in the motel room. Forget the flat screen this thing is as big as a refrigerator and the picture is kind of grainy although he’s not sure if it’s the fault of the TV or the limited cable service. He tosses the remote down on the bed beside him once he finds the sports channel and leans back against his pillows.
He’s tired. They’ve driven into Winnipeg on the team bus after school and gone out to Boston Pizza for a team dinner. Now all Tazer wants is to watch a little quiet TV and go to sleep. They’ve qualified for a prestigious tournament and Tazer wants them to be at their best and part of that is an early night. Unfortunately his roommate has other plans.
He glances irritably towards the open door. He can hear Kaner singing tunelessly in the bathroom after his shower and Tazer snorts when he realizes it’s Rebecca Black. Tazer knows from past experience that Kaner is primping in front of the mirror, probably trying to tame his curls. The pervasive smell of Axe body spray and hair product confirms his suspicion.
When Kaner comes out and sits down on his bed Tazer looks him up and down with a scowl.
Kaner picks up on it immediately. They’ve been friends long enough to know when his best friend disproves of something. “What?”
“You shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Relax, Captain Serious,” Kaner grins. “I’ll be fine. It’s not every day we’re in the big city for the weekend. Anyway, I’m just going out for a couple hours. And the bar’s only a couple blocks away.”
“We’re supposed to stay in. There is a game in the morning, you know,” Tazer tells him peevishly because damn it, he does take his hockey seriously.
Kaner just shrugs. He’s spent the last week googling gay bars and has found one he wants to check out. Ever since he announced to Tazer that he was queer a couple months ago Kaner’s been determined to, as he says, “get out and experience life”. Tazer thinks it’s more like a good opportunity to get the shit kicked out of him but Kaner won’t listen to reason.
Tazer sighs. “What if my dad does a bed check?”
Kaner laughs. “On you? Come on, your dad knows you’d never do anything you weren’t supposed to.” Kaner’s right. Bryan Toews might check some of the other guys to make sure they were in, he is the coach after all, but he’s never checked on the two of them in all the years they’ve played together.
“Anyway, he loves me. I can’t do anything wrong,” Kaner concludes with a cheesy grin.
Tazer rolls his eyes but has nothing to refute the argument. Tazer’s dad thinks of Patrick Kane like another son, one that has been good for his own more reserved and awkward boy. The two of them are stars on the team he’s coaching and have been best friends ever since the day the Kane’s moved into the house next door when the boys were in grade two. Tazer wonders a bit mean spiritedly whether his dad would love Kaner quite so much if he knew he was a fag.
“Still,” Tazer grumps.
He’s been trying to talk Kaner out of this stupid idea for weeks, ever since the team found out they’d qualified for a tournament in Winnipeg. Had gone off god knows where and come back with some sketchy looking fake ID and since then he’d been plotting his first foray into the gay scene. Tazer was just relieved he at least had enough discretion to try it out of town instead of with one of the few known faggots in their high school. Kaner didn’t always have the greatest judgement is all.
Kaner takes another look himself in the dresser mirror, slicking back his still wet curls, before pulling on the leather jacket his parents gave him at Christmas. He’s got on his new jeans and a favorite shirt and if Tazer wasn’t in such a crappy mood over the whole enterprise he’d have to admit Kaner looks pretty good.
But instead, when Kaner asks a bit nervously, “How do I look?” he replies grumpily with “Like a pimp.”
Kaner’s smile fades and he looks down at himself. “Thanks for the vote of confidence buddy.”
He looks back up at his closest friend and despite the perpetual cocky swagger and the nonstop talk Tazer can still see the uncertain kid Kaner’s trying so hard not to be.
Kaner bites his lip and asks, “Wish me luck?”
Tazer doesn’t answer for a moment. He lies back on his bed and toes one foot on top of the other and then stares up at the tacky textured ceiling. There’s no way he’s going to give this his seal of approval but on the other hand, he hates to put Pat down too hard. It’s crappy enough being a teenager without getting grief from your best friend.
“Just be careful, okay Kaner?” Tazer tells him, his voice resigned. “We may be in the city but it’s still fucking Winnipeg,” he adds drily.
Kaner grins again, this time more widely. “Why don’t you come with me? he suggests. “You could, you know, be my wingman?”
Tazer can feel his face flush immediately at the suggestion. Hell no. Not in this lifetime. “No,” he says quickly. “No way. Forget it.”
“Okay, okay,” Kaner laughs. “Well I should get going,” he says, patting his pocket to make sure he’s got his wallet.
“You have your phone?” Tazer asks and Kaner pulls it out of his pocket and shows him.
“Good,” Tazer tells him. “If you run into any problems phone me. Okay?”
Kaner gives him another goofy grin and tells him “Thanks, buddy,” before he slips out the door.
Tazer curses under his breath once Kaner’s gone. He fucking hates how his best friend wants so badly to go to gay bars to find men to hook up with. The two of them have been inseparable since the day a short blonde kid showed up at the Toews front door and asked who owned the hockey net in the driveway. This is straying into unfamiliar territory and it feels all wrong.
They’d done homework and studied together, gone to hockey practises and games, and compared notes with each other on their first fumbling experiences with girls. Tazer had been slightly surprised when Kaner nervously admitted to him that he thought he was gay but it didn’t change for a second how Tazer felt about him.
Now though, the thought of Kaner off doing things with a guy makes Tazer’s gut clench. It’s partly because of the risk but, more than that it’s because he doesn’t want anyone else touching Kaner, and that, Tazer has finally admitted to himself, is because he wants him for himself. The only problem is that Kaner has never, not once, shown any sign of interest in Tazer on more than a platonic level.
Tazer can’t really blame him. He’s not sure he would want himself either even though, sure, his acne is finally showing signs of clearing up. Tazer is willing to admit he is probably the most unfun and socially awkward person in Canada, maybe the world. The only thing he’s any good at is hockey.
The two of them are as different as day and night. Where Kaner is outgoing and fun loving, Tazer is serious and quiet. Kaner is popular with his classmates where Tazer is only really popular with Kaner, who’s always dragged him along and basically forced him to go out. In many ways the two of them complement each other although that fact doesn’t leave Tazer any closer to having Kaner for himself.
So instead of ever actually telling Kaner how he feels Tazer is alone in a seedy motel room with a dull ache in his gut and left imagining all kinds of terrible things befalling his best friend. He gets up off his bed and changes into pajama pants before turning off the TV and the lights. He leaves the deadbolt off so that Kaner can get in but he’s pretty sure he’ll still be awake anyway when he gets home.
Tazer is drowsing when he hears the door open sometime later. Kaner doesn’t turn on the lights but Tazer can hear him toeing off his runners in the dark before he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door softly behind him. Tazer lays there and listens to the shower come on and then reaches for his phone on the bedside table to see what time it is.
It’s only just after midnight and Tazer is a little surprised Kaner is home so early. He lies back on the bed and waits for Kaner to finish showering but the water runs on and on. Finally he hears the shower shut off but still Kaner doesn’t come out of the bathroom.
Finally Tazer get’s up, flips on the light by his bed and goes to the door. He knocks softly, “Pat?”
There’s only the quiet hum of the exhaust fan and then a soft sniff before Taazer finally hears a muffled, “What?”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Fine,” Kaner tells him. Tazer can hear him clear his throat before saying, “Just hang on. I’ll be out in a sec.”
Even through the door Tazer can tell from Kaner’s voice that he’s not bloody fine so instead of doing what he’s told he opens it and goes ahead right in. He figures it’s a captain’s prerogative. Kaner doesn’t look up from what he’s doing and Tazer takes a second to look him over.
At first glance he looks fine. Kaner is standing in front of the sink wearing a towel low around his hips. Tazer swallows involuntarily when he can’t help but look at the spattering of freckles across his friends bare back and shoulders. His clothes are piled neatly on the counter beside him except for his leather jacket which he’s holding and dabbing at with a wet facecloth.
Tazer squints into the light room and asks him fuzzily, “What are you doing?”
Kaner doesn’t look up. “I’m cleaning off my jacket,” he says softly. “What does it look like?”
Tazer doesn’t respond. He knows no answer is expected. Instead he closes the toilet seat and sits down on it to watch. The room is quiet except for the tap running and Tazer doesn’t know what to say. Finally Kaner gives a choked laugh and tells him, “I got cum on it.”
Tazer still doesn’t reply because ew, that’s just too much information. He just picks at a broken fingernail and wonders what to say in a situation like this. It’s never come up in the dressing room or any other fucking place in his life for that matter. Tazer’s got nothing.
Kaner finally looks up at him and Tazer can see that his lips are slightly swollen and his eyes red rimmed. His upper lip is split and he’s staunched the bleeding with a bit of toilet paper.
“Fuck. What happened, Pat?” Tazer demands.
“Nothing, Johnny. Just leave it.”
“Bullshit. Your lip is bleeding.”
“I’m fine.”
Kaner most certainly does not look fine and Tazer can’t help but clench his fingers as he thinks about how he wants to strangle whoever it was that made his friend fucking cry.
“So, you met someone?” Tazer prompts.
Kaner glances at himself in the mirror and touches his lip carefully before answering. “Yeah, yeah I did.”
“What did he do to you?” Tazer asks irritably.
The look Kaner gives him is both determined and a little sad. “Nothing I didn’t want,” he assures him.
Kaner lets out a short bitter little laugh and shakes his head. “Don’t worry, Johnny. I didn’t get raped or anything.”
Tazer just gaps at him because Jesus Christ if anyone ever did do something like that to Kaner he’d have to hunt them down and fucking kill them. He makes an inarticulate sputtering sound that causes Kaner to look at him and he tries to laugh again but the movement hurts his lip so he stops.
Instead his shoulders begin to shake slightly and he gives another sniff as he begins to cry quietly. It's not long before he falls apart completely, the soiled jacket immediately forgotten. Tazer is immediately on his feet and pulling the smaller man against his chest, holding him while he sobs. It scares Tazer a little. He hasn’t seen Kaner this upset since his dog Shooter got hit by a car in grade five and the two of them sat in the tree house all night and held each other.
Kaner’s skin is still damp from the shower and noticeably cold to the touch. The motel is old and has shit heating. Tazer has the thermostat cranked right up the walls are poorly insulated so it’s not keeping the winter cold from creeping in. Now that his sobs are slowing a little Tazer can feel Kaner shivering against him. He rubs his palm up and the other man’s back both trying to sooth and warm him.
“Shhhhh,” Tazer murmurs. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Kaner doesn’t say anything, only rests his cheek against Tazer’s shoulder and fights to get his tears under control. He sniffs noisily and says, “I’m going to get snot on your t-shirt.”
Tazer huffs a laugh and ruffles his hand through Kaner’s hair. “It’s okay. I don't care. Come to bed, okay? You're freezing. You should get dressed so you don’t get any colder. And then you can tell me what happened?”
Kaner frowns and looks like he’s going to refuse to talk about it but then finally sighs and follows Tazer out of the bathroom. Tazer grabs a box of Kleenex on the way. Kaner pulls on some sweat pants and a t-shirt and then sits down on the edge of Tazer’s bed and accepts one of the tissues.
Tazer sits down beside Kaner with his big hands rested on his knees and waits for him to start. Kaner's agreed to tell him so Tazer knows that if he leaves him alone for a couple minutes he will eventually get there. Tazer just needs to wait until Kaner's ready and then in all likelihood he’ll be nearly impossible to stop.
Kaner blows his nose noisily and tosses the used tissue on the floor because he’s always been classy like that. Tazer punches him gently on the shoulder to let him know that’s never going to be cool but he doesn’t really mean anything by it. He just wants to get them back to somewhere more normal and Kaner must want it too because the smile he gives Tazer seems grateful.
Tazer gets up and slides under the covers of his bed and then holds them up so that Kaner will get in beside him. Kaner just smiles crookedly and then climbs in immediately. It’s like when they used to sleep over at each others’ homes every weekend but also so very different now. Tazer lies on his back with his arms across his stomach so no embarrassing bulges become apparent beneath the covers in the dim room light.
Kaner rolls onto his side facing Tazer and rests his head on his arm. He chews nervously on a fingernail and then lets out a long breath before he starts finally.
“So, I went to the bar and they let me in no problem,” he begins smugly. “I don’t know the bartender really believed my ID but he let me stay.”
“What was it like?” Tazer has to ask. His experience with bars of any kind is pretty limited.
Kaner shrugs. “Like a bar, I guess. Just with lots of guys. I went up to the bar and ordered a beer. While I was drinking it a guy came and sat beside me and asked me if I wanted another one so I said sure. He was older but kind of hot. We talked for a while and he seemed okay. He told he played hockey too.”
Tazer already really fucking hates this douche but he doesn’t say anything.
“So then he asked me if I wanted to go with him out back so I said okay.”
When Tazer makes a disapproving sound Kaner continues quickly, “I wanted to see what it would be like to make out with a guy. Okay?”
He gives Tazer a pleading look so he chokes down the lecture on risky behavior he’s already formulating in his brain and lets Kaner keep going.
“Anyway, he took me down a hallway past the bathrooms to some room that they must use for storing shit. There wasn’t anyone else around and he shut the door and told me to suck his dick.”
“Fuck,” Tazer can’t help but mutter and Kaner looks up at him and swallows hard. His eyes are moist again and Tazer feels like he might throw up.
“He seemed nice in the bar so I did it. I mean, I’ve seen enough videos that I figured I knew what to do. Except he wanted me to take it down too far and I couldn’t breathe and I started to choke. I tried to stop but he grabbed me by the hair and wouldn’t let me pull off. He didn’t even tell me when he was going to come, either,” Kaner finally concludes forlornly.
He looks kind of lost and Tazer can’t help but reach out and put a hand on his arm when he tells him, “Jesus, Kaner.”
Kaner’s eyes finally overflow with tears when he tells him, “He laughed at me when I spat cum all over my coat and told me to get lost. He just left me there.”
“So he didn’t do anything for you….?” Tazer asks.
Kaner shakes his head. “No. He told me I wasn’t worth the trouble. That I should go back to high school and not come back until I learned how to suck cock.”
The tears that Kaner had been holding back come in earnest and his whole body is wracked with shuddering sobs. Tazer doesn’t hesitate to roll towards him and pull him into another hug although he has no idea what he could say that could help.
Instead he just pulls Kaner down so that he’s lying with his head on his chest and wraps his arms around him, holding on tightly while his body shakes.
“So I just came home,” Kaner tells him through his tears. When he’s gotten himself a little more under control he lifts his head up to look at Tazer.
“The worst part was, he wouldn’t even kiss me. Am I that gross that I’m not even worth kissing?” he asks desolately.
“No,” Tazer assures him immediately. “You are, Pat. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. The guy was an asshole.”
He pulls Kaner back down against him and cards his fingers gently through his hair. Kaner relaxes into the touch and sighs. Tazer’s mouth is so close to the soft skin below Kaner’s ear that he can feel the warmth against his lips. Without thinking he begins to kiss it softly, over and over again, wanting more than anything to comfort.
Finally Kaner pushes back and asks him confusedly, “What are you doing?”
Tazer’s really got no fucking idea so instead of saying anything he leans forward and kisses Kaner tentatively on the lips. His heart is all of a sudden pounding in his chest and his stomach drops when he doesn’t get the response he was hoping for.
Kaner rears back and his eyes flash angrily. “Fuck you, Tazer,” he bits out.
“What?”
“I’m not some fucking charity. You don’t have to kiss me because no one else will. Fuck off.”
Tazer shakes his head and clasps Kaner’s shoulder. “No. That’s not it,” he assures him immediately. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Forever.”
Kaner still doesn’t look like he believes him but at least he hasn’t punched Tazer in the face yet. To emphasize his point Tazer drags Kaner back down and kisses him again, this time more deeply, licking his tongue tentatively against Kaner’s lips.
Kaner makes no effort to respond and Tazer can feel the tense set of his shoulders. Kaner is barely breathing. He’s completely still in Tazer’s arms. Obviously he needs more convincing so Tazer pulls back.
He licks his lips nervously and starts. “Look, Pat. I should have said this before but I was……..”
Kaner looks at him questioning and Tazer fists his hand in frustration before he grinds out, “I was scared. Okay? I didn’t want to mess things up between us. Because you’re like my best friend and I never want that to change.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Johnny?” Kaner asks. He doesn’t have a clue where Tazer is coming from.
“Since you told me you were gay I’ve been thinking. A lot. I think I’m gay too but I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you didn’t want me. At least you never acted like you did.”
Kaner blinks in surprise. “I thought you were straight.”
“So you’re saying you would want to be with me? Maybe?” Tazer asks, more than a little afraid of the answer. He cringes inside that his voice sounds so……whiny.
Kaner just grins softly and shakes his head. “You’re such an idiot, Johnny” he tells him, punching him good-naturedly on the shoulder.
“Hey,” Tazer grunts. “Why?”
“Because it was you that made me realize I was gay in the first place. I’ve always wanted you.”
Instead of saying any more he pushes Tazer down on his back and climbs on top of him, kissing him deeply. Tazer lets him, opening his mouth immediately, and letting his thighs fall apart so that Kaner can nestle between them. They make out for a while, just kissing lazily and running their hands up and down each other’s bodies.
Kaner keeps rocking against him and Tazer’s becoming more than a little hard. He’s not alone there. He can feel Kaner’s cock pressing against his thigh and he grasps at his shoulder possessively. After finally getting to have what he’s wanted so much he can’t stand the thought that someone else has touched him.
Finally Kaner pulls back and tries to stifle a yawn and Tazer becomes aware of how late it is.
“Am I boring you?” Tazer asks him dryly.
Kaner just chuckles and tells him, “No, sorry. Just tired I guess. Been a long day, you know?”
“Yeah,” Tazer agrees. The flood of emotion he’s felt all night is catching up to him. He runs his palm down Kaner’s arm softly.
“We should go to sleep. We’ve got a…..”
Before he can finish Kaner laughs and then leans down to kiss him on the forehead. “Yeah, I know. A game in the morning. Got it.”
Tazer can’t help but rise to the mocking tone because, you know, hockey and the team is still serious business. “Yeah, we do, Kaner. And I don’t know about you, but I want to win this tournament.”
Kaner grins at him and grumbles good naturedly, “Okay, fine.”
Tazer turns off the lamp and lays back down, pulling Kaner tight against his side. They lie in drowsy silence just breathing softly in the dark. Sometime later Kaner speaks quietly.
“Johnny?”
“Yeah?” Tazer answers sleepily.
“I wish I hadn’t gone out tonight.”
Tazer thinks about it a moment and then makes a dismissive sound. He’s calmer now, not nearly as enraged by what’s happened this evening, especially now that he’s finally got what he wanted. He’s not going to make Kaner feel bad for what he did. But unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Kaner can let it go as easily.
“I wish you could have been my first,” Kaner tells him softly.
Tazer presses a kiss to the top of Kaner’s head and squeezes him more tightly.
“We can have a lot more firsts, Pat,” he tells him.
“Yeah,” Kaner agrees and smiles into Tazer’s chest. He likes the sound of that.
End