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With the stillness around him, the snow sounded incredibly loud under his shoes, and Erik felt himself tense up some more with each step he took. It had been a while since he had last found himself sneaking around in that kind of climate, and the thought sent a sting through his chest, dull through the numbness filling up his heart.
When they had first arrived in Sniflheim, part of him had considered himself lucky- not that there hadn’t been concern about the lingering silence and what it might mean, but he still knew this country and its inhabitants well enough to know that they would likely recognize him. And, well, had he been ready for that, he wouldn’t be sneaking back to his friends right now, in the middle of the night.
He should probably feel more guilty, but at that rate, he really couldn’t bring himself to. It wasn’t like he had planned for it, either, it had just been far too easy; the cold and monsters unfamiliar to them (maybe aside from the twins) seemed to have taken their toll on his friends, and they had all fallen asleep far sooner than usually. And with the curse that had hit Sniflheim, it hadn’t been difficult to lend a small boat, either.
He knew what awaited him. He knew he would find Mia in the same place, the same position, with the same look on her face. Reaching out to him. Reaching for the help she was still waiting to get.
And yet, he needed to see her.
He had no idea how much time he spent there, sitting in their childhood home across Mia and telling her about everything that had happened since he had left. The rational part of him knew that she probably couldn’t hear him (but fuck, the rational part of him knew that there was no point in visiting her anyway, and it didn’t matter), but maybe that was for the best anyway. His story had probably lacked a lot of consistency. He would catch her up when he had found a way to save her.
Erik forced those thoughts off his mind as well as possible, until all that was left behind was that bitter burn that followed him wherever he went. This was not something he should let himself drown in right now; not when he was almost back at the campsite, it was nothing his friends needed to know, least of all the one he was sharing a tent with. Not that hiding it would be an issue (not until the morning, that is).
Or so he thought.
Now, Erik considered himself rather good at drawing conclusions from minimal information, especially when it came to people paying attention to him. It had been a vital skill since before he went to Heliodor, and him and Derk had stolen from resting travelers often enough. It had become sort of an instinct, or so he had thought, because apparently, having someone he trusted by his side at any time seemed to have dulled this ability a little. Or at least the dim glow of the campfire and even the silhouette of a person sitting up didn’t reach his mind before the familiar voice did. “Where have you been?“
Erik froze for a moment, barely more than a split second before he managed to catch himself again, silently scolding himself. This shouldn’t happen, not in this place, and least of all this situation. There was still an unknown threat lingering in the air, and just because he made it back safely, didn’t mean he could just let his guard down now.
Especially given that a fundamental part of his plan hadn’t worked out, it seemed. A part he hadn’t even considered might go wrong.
Eleven didn’t say any more. He just sat there looking up at him, blue eyes shining attentively in the light of the fire; a familiar expression Erik had learned to love so much. Eleven was quiet and maybe spent too much time in his own head sometimes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t realize what was going on around him. Actually, he possessed an extraordinary skill in picking up on small details and drawing conclusions; it would be a lie to say it hadn’t impressed Erik, especially during the first few weeks they traveled together. He had never considered himself easy to read, it was sort of part of the job description of his profession, but somehow, that didn’t stop Eleven from seeing right through him. It had never bothered him as much as it should have (probably because Eleven was the Luminary, and letting your guard down a bit around someone was a lot easier when you already jumped off a cliff trusting that there would be no harm as long as you were with them), and after a while, he even came to like it, in some way. It was part of Eleven, and a beautiful one at that.
Although all of that didn’t change the fact that it was… well, inconvenient in this situation, to say the least. Very, very inconvenient.
Erik sighed, more than anything for the sake of putting up a show. This might be one of Eleven’s natural talents, but it didn’t mean it was a match for his experience with situations like these. “Damn, you startled me.“ He gave him a weak laugh (which didn’t appear to impress Eleven in the slightest, then again, not that he had expected it to). “I couldn’t sleep, so I went out for a walk.“ It wasn’t the best excuse, especially given the unusual circumstances in Sniflheim, but any sort of explanation would suffice. He could improvise from there on.
“That took pretty long for a walk,“ Eleven replied, without breaking eye contact.
Erik raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t stay up waiting for me, did you?“ It was about as much a genuine question as it was an easy way out, even though he hated to admit it. Eleven’s wellbeing was usually the fastest way to get him to drop the conversation or change the topic, especially when it came to neglecting himself for the sake of the others. It wasn’t very fair to use it against him, but drastic times called for drastic measures. “I know you don’t sleep well on the sea, and those temperatures are draining. You should get some rest.“
Eleven tensed up a bit, finally lowering his gaze back to the fire as he spoke. “I’m on guard duty,“ he answered, and although he sounded a little uncomfortable, he seemed to be honest; Erik could identify lies from people that were far better at this sort of thing than his partner. “Since we don’t know what happened here, I thought it’d be best if someone stayed awake to watch out.“
Erik waited for a second, just long enough to make sure Eleven wouldn’t get suspicious of his silence, and when his partner didn’t say anything else, he finally walked over to the campfire, sitting down on the log next to him. “I’ll take over now, then,“ he decided. “You go to sleep. It’ll be warmer inside the tent, too.“
The greatest part of Erik expected Eleven to refuse. They had been through that sort of dialogue often enough, whether it had been about staying up to watch out for monsters, taking a break from practicing a new skill, or hiding injuries, even. There was a reason why Eleven tended to avoid talking about these topics, and it was that he usually lost, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to put up a fight.
Much to his surprise, though, Eleven didn’t talk back this time. Instead, he wordlessly turned around to Erik again; the look in his eyes softened, and he gave him a small smile.
A sting of guilt pierced Erik’s chest, but it barely cut through the warm feeling of a mix of relief and surprise. He couldn’t believe this had actually worked. Eleven must be a lot more exhausted than he showed.
Erik felt his shoulders drop a little. He didn’t think it was necessary to look out for threats, else he would have been confronted with them on his stroll; then again, some time alone in the cold was exactly what he needed to sort out his thoughts right now. It had been a close call, but he had gotten away with it.
Or so he thought for about a few seconds.
As he stood up, Eleven turned around to him, and then suddenly paused. He frowned, lips parting before he started to speak, which probably should have given Erik enough of a hint on what he had missed. “Have you been crying?“
Fuck. Erik blinked. He hadn’t even considered that his eyes were probably still red; he hadn’t expected to talk to any of his friends before daybreak, so it hadn’t seemed that important, and he somehow forgot completely. It had been a stupid mistake, because these few seconds were what he would have needed to think of a convincing lie.
“Erik.“ Erik had more than enough practice in not letting his true feelings show- it had been sort of an essential survival skill ever since the vikings had picked up him and Mia, and had been part of his job description after he had left Sniflheim, really- and yet, the concern in Eleven’s voice was almost intense enough to make him flinch. “What happened?“
“Nothing.“ It was no less than a split second after this word left his lips that he regretted it already; this was one of the most stupid replies he could have possibly come up with, he might as well straight up have told Eleven ’that’s a lie, but don’t think about it too much, alright’. His tongue had been faster than his brain, or that had been his excuse before it continued its idiocy. “Don’t worry about it.“ Oh, great. He was on a roll, apparently.
Just as expected, Eleven didn’t take his unconvincing attempt, instead giving him a disapproving look that told him more than words ever could have. “Where have you been?“, he repeated his question from before, only his tone sounding just a little bit more strained. There was that weak shine in his eyes too; the concern that made something inside Erik turn upside down.
This time, he managed to bite his tongue before instinctively letting another painfully obvious lie slip past. This reaction probably wouldn’t help ease Eleven’s suspicions either (then again, that ship had probably sailed), but he kept it up for a moment, trying to muster the strength to go on.
“I was…“ Erik heard his own voice trail off before he could finish. Visiting someone, was what he had been meaning to say, but something inside him refused to let him say it out loud. He knew it wasn’t exactly a satisfying answer, but then again, Eleven would probably accept it if he asked him to. Yet it felt like the wrong thing to do, in this situation, anyway.
He had made small hints at Mia before, but this was different. He hadn’t been anywhere near as close to Eleven as he was now; jumping off a cliff in blind faith in him was one thing, telling him about his sister a whole other.
Erik hadn’t expected it to get more difficult, though.
The worst part was, he wasn’t even sure why. The thought of opening up didn’t feel anywhere near as uncomfortable as it should (or used to) at least, especially to Eleven. Fuck, they had been through so much together, and Eleven had told him so much about his family and childhood; in fact, it felt almost unfair to hesitate now, when he knew so much more about him.
But this was different. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Eleven; on the contrary, actually, and this made it so much worse. Growing up with the vikings, trust had been a luxury reserved for Mia, and getting through as a thief in Heliodor sure hadn’t helped it, either. So had it been a lack of trust in Eleven, it wouldn’t have been that much of an issue, so much as he was used to it, at least. (After everything they had been through, he would probably feel guilty for it, but he could handle that much, really). This was about something else, though.
Help the Luminary, and you will find forgiveness.
Eleven didn’t know why he originally decided to tag along, or where that faith in him came from (not that he trusted the judgement of king Carnelian on that matter, but somehow, he didn’t feel like it was just that and the prophecy; it was nothing he wanted to think about too, though, least of all now). He had never asked, and it had never seemed relevant to bring up.
Erik had known that at some point, he would tell Eleven about everything. Mia, the prophecy, what he had done. He had known that at some point, he would have to tell Eleven, if he really wanted to find forgiveness. Eleven was the Luminary, the legendary hero, and therefore… his best bet at bringing Mia back.
But he was so much more, too. Erik had never thought too much about what kind of person the Luminary would be, but if he had, he wouldn’t have guessed how kind Eleven was. Sure, he should have probably figured as much, but this was a special sort of kindness, one that was almost childlike. Eleven was such a honest, such a sincere person. He was quiet, but expressed such genuine emotions around his friends Erik had only seen in one other person in his life so far. The image of his bright face, eyes sparkling with joy and excitement in the warm light after he first learnt Flame Slash and went to show Erik, was engraved in his mind. Everything he did, everything he was, somehow made Erik’s world a little brighter.
He had been told he would meet the Luminary, somehow. He hadn’t been told he would develop these sorts of feelings for them.
No… maybe it had been wrong to say he wasn’t sure why the thought of telling his partner about Mia felt heavier the more time passed, there was just something about it he wasn’t ready to admit to. Not to himself, and definitely not Eleven.
He had first joined Eleven because of his title. That much wasn’t exactly a secret, or at least he was rather sure Eleven had figured it out. Much unlike why he followed the Luminary in the first place, however, and somehow, he had missed the point to tell him.
If Eleven found out about it now, what would he think? That he was a monster for abandoning his sister in such a state, when he was the only one she had? For letting this happen in the first place?
That Erik had been using him all this time?
“Erik.“ His partner repeating his name dragged him back to the present, although a little to abruptly to let the bitter sting in his chest wear off. Eleven’s eyes had a serious shine, his tone of voice sounded a little more clear, more firm this time, although no less concerned. Erik wasn’t sure which option was worse. “You’re making me worry.“
Erik felt his shoulders stiffen (which, again, was probably a great way of showing Eleven that he was alright). This was seriously starting to get uncomfortable. “It’s nothing you have to get involved in,“ he finally said, after putting far too much thought into his words. Especially given that they weren’t really the truth either, but at least a little more believable lies.
Eleven’s voice softened a little, but combined with his words, it only drove the knife deeper into Erik’s chest. He knew that Eleven was surprisingly expressive, especially when it came to things like this, and in this context, it made him feel guilty more than anything else. “I love you, okay?“ He inhaled, paused for a second, as though he was considering whether to keep talking, and in retrospect, Erik really wished he had decided differently. “But sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you.“
The knife twisted, a mix of guilt and pain flooding over him for just a second. A second he couldn’t think clearly, or he would never have said any of this out loud, but the words left his lips all on their own, before he could stop it. “If you knew me, you wouldn’t say stuff like that so easily.“
Eleven blinked, sitting up a little higher, before Erik had the chance to regret it. A new emotion flashed in his eyes, so brief and subtly that Erik probably wouldn’t even have noticed hadn’t he known him so well, and learnt to pick up on far less significant clues; but for a moment, for the first time that night, Eleven looked hurt. He didn’t reply, but his silence weighed heavier than words ever could.
“El, I-“ Erik cut himself off, biting his tongue. “I didn’t mean to say that.“ The silence that laid all over Sniflheim suddenly felt so loud, almost enough to drown out his words; in his own ears, that is.
Eleven’s lips trembled for a split second, as though he was going to say something, but all he ended up with was a small nod. A few more heartbeats passed, in which Erik hoped he would say something, say anything, knowing fully well that it wouldn’t happen. That it was on him to speak now.
Tell him. Erik bit his tongue. The silent urge that had been following him for far longer than he would have liked to admit grew louder, more intense. It wasn’t that he had waited for the perfect moment or shit like that, but even so, he knew that he had probably missed it. Damage control was the only thing left for him.
I have a sister. Erik opened his mouth, but somehow, those words refused to leave his lips, no matter how often he repeated them in his head, trying to prepare to say them out loud. Break the invisible barrier he had kept up for so long.
“Okay.“ Eleven interrupted him before he got to form a word, all the emotions from before wiped from his voice at once. All that was left was a a tone that sounded so defeated, so hurt that something inside Erik shattered. “You don’t have to tell me,“ he continued, and even though he saw that he wasn’t looking at him anymore, Erik still couldn’t muster the strength to raise his head. Now that Eleven’s eyes weren’t directed at him anymore, the pain he was sure to see in them would hurt even more. “I didn’t mean to force you.“
“El…“ Erik’s voice trailed off. Eleven didn’t turn around to him again, and thinking about it, he had no idea what he wanted to say, either.
“Is your offer to watch out still standing?“ Eleven’s tone was perfectly neutral; it wasn’t that there were usually overloads of emotion in his voice, but this seemed too carefully curated, just a bit too intentional, to not shoot another sting through Erik’s chest. There was a dim shine in his eyes, too, and Erik couldn’t even tell whether it was just the reflection from the last small remains of the fire, or something… else. “I get it if you’d rather rest.“
Coming from anyone else, these words would have been an obvious attack, but this was so much worse. Eleven was being genuine, Erik didn’t even have to look at him to confirm, because he knew his partner that well. He was able to brush off his own feelings far too easily in any given situation (it was probably a Luminary thing, Erik guessed, the sort of selflessness generally expected of a hero), and usually Erik would call him out for it. Remind him to take a step back for a moment.
But usually, he wasn’t the reason for the given situation, and that left him with only one option, and a weak attempt at pushing the stinging pain in his chest aside. “Yeah.“ Erik gave him a nod, hardly more firm than the hollow tone of his voice.
Eleven hesitated for a moment, as though waiting for Erik to say something else, then he sighed and got up. Erik listened to his footsteps, fixating a burnt piece of wood with his gaze, just to keep himself from looking back to his partner. The remaining smoke and the cold made his eyes burn, or so he told himself. Even after he heard the tent rustling behind him, he didn’t look up.
Help the Luminary, and you will find forgiveness.
Erik grit his teeth. That stupid prophecy was missing so many details. Had he known it would hurt like this to feel like he was using Eleven, he would have…
Yes, what would he have done?
Erik took a deep breath, the air feeling like a knife inside his throat. He probably wasn’t used to the cold anymore; he hadn’t been here in such a long time. This place had changed, and so had he. The only thing that was still the same was Mia, unmoving in the same position he had left her in all these years ago.
He would never abandon her. He had relied on Eleven on that matter because of the prophecy and, well, common sense, but maybe there was another way to save her. One that didn’t involve Eleven. Not until they could meet face to face.
He knew he would have to decide (no, rather, admit to it, because this wasn’t really a situation of two options) eventually. He knew there probably wasn’t another way, no matter how desperately he’d look for it. And given how things progressed, he knew he shouldn’t wait too long, either, or it certainly wouldn’t get easier over time, at least.
There was no point in telling Eleven now anyway, or so he told himself. There was probably nothing he could do. It would just result in losing both of them, for good, and no chance of helping Mia ever again. It had been right to stay quiet, for both their sakes, even if Eleven didn’t know.
Yet none of these thoughts managed to shatter the picture of the hurt look in his partner’s eyes.
Eleven wasn’t exactly talkative, sure, but he hardly ever kept secrets from any of his companions (nevermind that he was really bad at it, too). Erik knew that, and he knew that Eleven was perfectly aware that he was different. He hadn’t thought that he minded it much, though.
Maybe he was right. Maybe Eleven didn’t mind, not until now, anyway, and Erik didn’t even blame him. Eleven didn’t know about the circumstances, he didn’t know about what Erik had done, he didn’t know about Mia.
Eleven didn’t know. And Erik didn’t have the strength to change that.
For the first time since he had lost Mia, he had someone he trusted with his life. And maybe the price for the forgiveness the Seer had mentioned was that he would stay on his own with this feeling.