Chapter Text
Despair is hard to describe. You have tried on many occasions to document the feeling, comparing it to tendrils of ice crawling around your brain.
Of course, it never helped that you never fully submitted to the feeling. You can only imagine how it must feel to your old classmates, the ones fully lost to the addiction of insanity.
Though, it doesn't matter how it feels, you suppose. You still hate it with every fiber of your being.
You make your slow way through the paths of rubble and decay, using your cane to find the rubble in your path and poking it out of the way. It is a horrifically tedious process, but it's better than tripping every five seconds- always a nasty blow to your dignity when that happens, though you suppose you should be used to it by now.
You wish you had a service animal to help, but you don't trust yourself to take care of an innocent living being. Not anymore.
You feel your foot tap against a large asphalt boulder, and you push at it with your heel. It doesn't budge.
You sigh and start working your way around it.
You hate this city.
You hate this world.
You hate... everything. Every bright future you hoped to inspire. Every life plan that was wrecked. Everything was ruined. There was no future for you, or the other Ultimate Despairs. Even if the era of despair comes an end it has such a firm grasp on your mind and your body that there was no escape, there was none, never ever-
NO!
No. No, you- you aren't relapsing like this. Not today. Today is a good day. Enoshima is gone and there is a new future coming.
You force your eyes shut and demand to focus. You know this. There- there has to be a way to escape it. You're so close already. You just- just have to double down.
It will be fine.
Your cane finds empty air as you reach the edge of the rubble wall and slip around it, poking your foot forward again.
How many more miles are left?
"With the highest respect, your progress seems awfully slow, L/n-san. Perhaps you need a guide?"
You blink. "Komaeda?"
"That's me. On your left." You feel a small tap at the end of your cane and smile.
"It's been too long, Komaeda-kun. I haven't seen you since we lived with the rest of the Ultimate Despairs. Thank you for your offer, a guide would be most welcome."
Komaeda hums and sets a delicate hand on your arm, gently looping it arm through yours. "My absence has been quite purposeful. I was making myself scarce."
The formality feels almost normal, a form of respect that the two of you didn't receive often under Enoshima's control. A twisted form of mutual trust- always telling the other that you weren't telling them everything, that there was always another meaning to your words.
You take a step forward as you feel Komaeda move beside you. "We must be going to the same place, then, since you decided to reveal yourself to me."
"Observant as always. I expected nothing less." Komaeda chuckles. "You have more hope than half of the world combined. It makes sense that you would be seeking a more hopeful refuge."
"Towa City," You whisper. "We'll be safe there."
"Quite. And the rest of the world should be soon to follow- a new hope rising from the ashes of despair."
"You seem excited."
"I am."
"Even with Enoshima's early departure?"
"Ah-" He falters for a moment. "L/n-san, you are the only one I trust with the blatant knowledge that I despise her. Wouldn't you already know my opinion on the matter?"
"The fact that you're deflecting the question is not reassuring."
There's a pause as Komaeda thinks over your words. "No comment."
You immediately pull your arm out of his, looking through your visual snow for his eyes. "What did you do?"
"Pardon?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You never pass up a chance to comment."
Komaeda sucks in a breath, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He's smiling. "You know me too well."
You sigh, taking his arm reluctantly in yours again and staring determinately at the bloody-red horizon. "Well, we did date back in high school."
"A petty crush."
"That's all it was to you?" The comment stung a little, but you smiled as well. "All for the better, I guess. But it doesn't mean I don't know how you work."
"Why? Was it something more?"
"I was young and naive, of course it was more."
"Of course."
You return your gaze to his. "So tell me what you did."
"It's not an easy subject to broach." He chuckles. "Enoshima- She reminds me what my purpose is- what despair's purpose is! To create a greater hope, greater than ever before-"
You sigh. "Komaeda-"
"It wasn't out of loyalty. I keep my enemies closer than any others."
"That doesn't mean literally."
"It was my choice."
"It was stupid."
"I'm aware."
"She- you-" You broke off, your mind going cold. You felt your hand twitch. He was still with Junko. Junko Enoshima, the ultimate despair, your despair- "Where is it?"
Another pause. "My arm. Why?"
"Ah..."
You vaguely recognize a pain in your head and it occurs to you that your hands were up, gripping the sides of your head, your rough and bitten nail beds digging into your skin.
Aha- there's the relapse.
You stumble back, beginning to laugh.
"Aha- haha- ah- I-"
"L/n."
"She's still here- of course she never left. She'll never die. She's gone but she can never leave, I'll never escape."
"L/n." Komaeda's hands- hand, his and hers- grab yours, and you scream. Not with fear, but with despairful delight. Because Junko Enoshima was still alive. And her cold, deathly grip closed closer on your mind.
You screamed again, gripping harder at your head.
It was like a hit of dopamine in your mind, a fix of despair flooding your senses. It's your mission, your purpose, your reason to live: to spread despair. To keep her alive in memory and action.
You don't know how long you sit there, laughing and screaming and muttering with cold despair washing over your mind.
All you knew was that when you returned to the surface of sanity, Komaeda was still by your side.
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The two mental illnesses the titular Prince Hamlet displays throughout his play are rather easy to identify, though one is displayed with less traditional symptoms than the other. These two being Schizophrenia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, otherwise known as OCD.
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) describes OCD as, "a long-lasting disorder in which a person experiences uncontrollable and recurring thoughts (obsessions), engages in repetitive behaviors (compulsions), or both." It's safe to say that Prince Hamlet displays both of these sympto
"Good morning, everyone~! Wait, there's only five of you?"
You looked up from your computer screen, the brightened words leaving the field of your limited vision as you looked around for the perky new voice. Your fingers located the last three keys to finish your sentence with muscle memory, and Yew's tail began to thump against the side of your desk. He must be interested in the newcomer. It wasn't every day that someone new showed up to class. It wasn't every week, either. Or month. Or... ever, really.
"Good morning to you, Ma'am." Sonia finished, and you offered a small wave in the direction of the door.
"Can we help you?"
"What's this about?" Saionji whined, "some stranger just came waltzing into our classroom!"
"Yes," Koizumi repeated, "can we help you with something?"
Light footsteps indicated that the newcomer moved to the front of the room. "As of today, I'm your new homeroom teacher, Yukizome Chisa! Isn't that great?"
You smiled a little.
A new teacher? Maybe this one would actually be willing to proof-read your papers rather than muttering 'it's good' though an alcohol daze.
And no, you weren't bitter about that at all.
Though it wasn't particularly reassuring that Saionji was already giggling, "Ooh, this one looks like she'll be fun to break! What do you think will go first? Her health, her social life, or her sanity?"
Chisa laughed. "Do your worst kiddo! I doubled down on health insurance before I took this job!"
You smiled again. You already loved her.
Sonia chirped a slightly botched figure of speech, in her usual fashion, in reply before Kuzuryuu's angry voice interjected, "What the hell kinda bait-and-switch are trying to pull here? Kizakura's our homeroom teacher."
"If you could even bother calling him that." You rolled your eyes, completely not bitter at all, "He's probably nursing another hangover."
"Exactly!" Yukizome cheered.
"See?"
"Sorry I'm late for class! I fell down!" Mikan's timid voice cried as she ran through the door, then tripped over her own feet and fell with a loud thump on the floor. You sighed and grabbed Yew's harness, the sweet, warm brown pit bull already on his feet and ready for assistance.
"Let's go help Mikan, buddy. Tsumiki? You didn't hit your head, did you?"
"Waaaaah, why does gravity hate me?!"
Your loyal guide dog led you to Mikan, and you extended a hand to help her up as Saionji shouted at her.
"I'm sorry!" She wailed. You patted her arm.
"No harm done, Tsumiki-san. Leave her alone, Saionji."
"Seriously! It's like she does it on purpose! There's no way she trips every DAY and lands in that stupid pose! You're lucky you can't see it, she's absolutely disgus-"
"Now, now, that's quite enough." The new teacher- because she was staying, right?- brushed against you gently as she checked up on Mikan.
You smiled. "I have her, Yukizome-sensei. Come on, Tsumiki. How much knowledge do you have on mental health? I'm doing a thesis on Hamlet and would really like someone to check over what I'm writing."
"O-okay!"
"Suck up." Saionji scoffed behind you. You ignored her and Mikan buried her face into Yew's fur in embarrassment.
If anything, you were more proud that she felt safe enough around Yew to use him for support. It was a far cry from where she was when she first met Yew- that being, on the other side of the room, as far away as possible.
"Are the others late as well?" Yukizome asked as you retreated, helping Mikan into her seat and taking off Yew's harness so Mikan could pet him.
"Truth be told," Sonia added, "This may be all you get."
Saionji smirked. "I don't know what they're up to, and frankly, I don't care."
"The academy doesn't care if we show up to class or not, as long as we hone our skills and pass the exam." Koizumi confirmed quietly, fiddling with her camera as she spoke.
"I'm sorry- I really was trying to get to class!" Mikan whimpered as Yew brushed against her comfortingly. Kuzuryuu scoffed. "How is it that the blind chick manages to navigate the school better than you, Tsumiki?"
"I-I-I'm sorry!!"
"Leave her alone, and I have a name. It would be nice if you would use it." You replied coolly, not bothering to look up from the next paragraph of your research paper.
"WELL, TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!!"
You immediately jumped a foot in the air as your new teacher shouted at the top of her lungs, falling out of your chair, tripping over Yew and landing flat on your back, almost knocking the wind out of you. Mikan shrieked and immediately jumped to help you up, setting you in a chair and giving you Yew's harness.
"Kayyyyy...?" Saionji blinked, staring at your new teacher in surprise.
"What happened?" You questioned, as Tsumiki finished putting the harness on Yew and sitting back down beside you. "Did I throw my computer? Did I save my essay?"
"You're only young once, you know. You'll be adults before you know it!" Yukizome announced, marching down the desk aisles. "How could you just blow off your classmates like they don't even matter? You know what you are? YOU'RE A BAG OF ROTTEN ORANGES!"
The class reacted in surprise (save for Sonia, who had trouble understanding Yunikzome's Japanese at that volume) while you blinked again, scrambling into your chair and opening a bookmarked tab to write down the metaphor.
"Rotten oranges! All moldy and squishy!"
"What are you talking about?!" Kuzuryuu barked.
"I'm talking about redeeming your high school years!" Chisa continued, "Let's get out there and find your rotten friends! We're taking back your youth right the heck now!!"
"Tsumiki-san, did I miss some kind of visual cue about this or is this conversation just... weird?"
"It's just- I- It's just weird, I think - oh my god why does- why does- why does she have a knife?!"
You sighed and closed your laptop, tucking it into your bag. "Alright. I guess this is what we're doing, then."
"Onward," Yukizome cheered, "to glory! The other rotten oranges await!"