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"So this is it?" Sehun says, and Luhan can hear the bitter yet understandable sadness in his voice. "This is the end?"
"Sehun-"
"This isn't fair. Why does it have to be like this? Why," he begins to choke up, turns his head away and brings his sleeve covered hand up to his face, muffling his voice slightly. Luhan almost lunges forward to hold Sehun -- hold him for what will be the last for an indefinite amount of time. Sehun only covers his face and shakes his head. "Why does," he sniffs, "it have to be this hard."
Sometimes, Sehun wants to prove he's mature, that he won't break down in front of Luhan, that he can look after himself. Luhan knows this is one of those times, that he's trying to distance himself, protect himself from getting hurt. But Luhan also knows Sehun needs him. So he reaches out and rubs his arm, a slight comforting touch, to let Sehun know he's there (and he wants to always be there).
"This isn't the end, Hun-ah. Not for us," Luhan says as he takes his hand off Sehun's arm and brings it up to his face. Luhan lets his fingertips run along Sehun's jawline and watches the stubbornness that surrounds his younger boyfriend melt away, to be replaced with Sehun leaning into his touch, eyes closed.
"Unless," Luhan takes a deep breath and lowers his voice. "You want it to be?"
Sehun's eyes fly open in surprise and he appears speechless for a few long seconds, the pink mouth Luhan loves slightly open.
"N-no hyung, that's not what I meant," Sehun rushes out.
He only ever really uses hyung when he's nervous or around other people anymore (millions of fans, for example). He doesn’t exactly want to be known as a brat anymore, not when he's already twenty and fully grown. But him and Luhan had broken barriers a long time ago, so Sehun usually just called him by his name (and sometimes Xiao Lu, for old times sake).
"Just making sure," Luhan assures, cupping Sehun's face with one hand. Luhan’s hands are cold and the skin on Sehun’s cheek is so warm, but he never complains about the contrast, only calms at the soothing touch. Then Luhan pushes closer and presses his lips against Sehun’s jawline, and then to his lips.
They’re not in their dorms in Korea. It’s September, the morning after their last stop in Beijing. For EXO, it’s their last The Lost Planet date until Japan, in a few months time. For Luhan, it was his last concert. His last stage with the people he has been with for four years, more or less. He had already been in resting in Beijing when they came for their tour, spending some much needed time with his family. But now… now he’s planning on staying here. For good. EXO would go back, Yixing would go back. Sehun would go back.
He stands with Sehun in their five star hotel room, wishing there was a better way to go about this, wishing there was some other way. He winds his arms around Sehun’s waist and just holds him, holds him, holds him close. Sehun puts his head on his shoulder and Luhan just knows he’s looking at the small suitcase Luhan has with him. He had only come from home after all, just to stay in the hotel with them for the last time. He hadn’t even had a chance to pack anything in Korea with his decision being made in Beijing, just what he brought with him when he was last there. It doesn’t matter much to him anyway, he can always get Sehun or Yixing to send what’s important to him. The rest he can leave to Sehun, whatever fits him, anyway.
There isn’t really much to say anymore, so still, he just holds Sehun, feeling broad shoulders starting to shake. He knows they can do long distance. But he wonders how long is too long? He has no way of telling when they would see each other again. It wasn’t that he thought Sehun might get bored of him, and there was no way Luhan could get bored of Sehun. But how long could they go without seeing each other without breaking?
But, despite those thoughts, he’s more than willing to find out, and he’s sure Sehun is, too.
“I-I wish you could see me off to the airport,” Sehun sobs and Luhan runs a hand up his back. “Or I could see you home, or I don’t know, something.”
“I know,” Luhan sighs, voice lightly shaking. “I know.”
“We should be able to have a proper goodbye,” Sehun mumbles, burying his face in Luhan’s shoulder.
“Don’t think of it as goodbye,” Luhan says as an offer of comfort, as if in complete denial that he’s tearing up too. “I can still talk to you everyday.”
“You really still want to be with me?” Sehun asks, sniffs decorating his words. “You’re not sick of me?”
Luhan pulls back then to look at Sehun’s slightly tear streaked face. He always had a habit of crying silently, but so does Luhan, when he ever cries at all.
“Why would you think that?” He asks, bringing a hand up to wipe away Sehun’s tears with his thumb.
“Because I’m part of the life you want to leave behind. The life you are leaving behind, one way or another.” He sounds resentful (and ever so slightly broken, tearing at the seams slowly) but Luhan knows the resentment isn’t aimed at him. Just the shitty situation they’ve been put in. He knows Sehun understands why he has to do this. He understands everything he’s been through. He was beside him for most of it, after all.
“Doesn’t mean I want to leave you behind, too,” Luhan reminds him, although he figures that much is obvious by now. “You know that really, don’t you?”
Sehun looks at Luhan for a few seconds, as if looking for the final answer on his face. As if finding it, he lowers his gaze and nods, putting his head back on Luhan’s shoulder. But that doesn’t stop Luhan from seeing another tear fall, from feeling Sehun’s body shake against his own.
“Hey,” Luhan whispers and Sehun hums in response. “We’ll make it work, okay?”
“Yeah,” Sehun breathes out. “I know. We will.”
And he sounds certain this time, even as his sobbing gets louder and less controlled, time ticking away.