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Once upon an Odyssey questline Montague was mentally preparing himself for another "fun" and "exciting" loop of getting his ass handed to him by staring into the mirror of Grand Glacier's honeymoon suite bathroom and repeating to himself that he was a strong, independent mineral-man hybrid who don't need no mythics but wouldn't say no to having one and would only let you have his if you pried it from his cold, dead loot pile.
However, before he could begin lying to himself, his phone rang. It was his insurance agent calling to inform him the premium for coverage of Grand Glacier would be increasing. In fact, the policy premiums on all Society properties would be increasing.
Montague sighed and rubbed at his forehead. This was why he never found time to shave. "Why?"
"Surely you've noticed all the destruction of private property going on since the mosaic quests started," his policy representative, Chaos Agent, said. "Those buildings aren't going to rebuild themselves."
"But they do," Montague said. "Every loop, that's how it works. Somehow."
"Look, I don't make the rules."
"Can I speak to a manager?"
After a brief snippet of the cheerful No Sweat Insurance jingle, the Underwriter's jovial voice filled the line. "Montague!" he said jovially. "How's my second favorite policy holder?"
Montague did not want to know who the Underwriter's first favorite policy holder was, instead launching right into an indignant rant against the ensuing rate increases and their effect on the total premium, to which the Underwriter made vaguely sympathetic noises until it sounded like he was done. "I hear your concerns," the Underwriter said. "Really I do. But it's not like you can't afford it, no?"
"No, actually, I can't," Montague said. "It's a five digit number."
"And?"
"And that's more than the game mechanics allow to be held."
"And?"
"And so I can't pay you that much."
The Underwriter chuckled. "Fortunately for you, we have amenable payment plans! With an installment fee, of course. And interest. And-"
"Can we just get to the part where you start giving me numbers?"
But alas, Montague did not find those financially solvent either. After trying in vain to explain the finer points of the mathematics preventing the Underwriter's policies from being computationally feasible, Montague decided to change tactics and return to the rationale for the rate increases in the first place.
The Underwriter, to his surprise, rolled with this change of subject. "I believe I already mentioned the mosaic quests. Loopers all over the island are causing private property damage in record numbers. You'd almost think the Chapter 1 vending machines were back."
"The what?"
"Before your time," the Underwriter said. "So about that downpayment!"
Montague fumbled for something to say but was saved by a beep announcing an incoming call. "Apologies," he told the Underwriter, despite not being sorry at all, "but I have to take this." He hit the button on his phone to switch lines without reading the name on the caller ID. "Yes?"
"First time?" Midas' voice asked.
Montague gritted his teeth. "I told you to stop calling me!"
He hung up, only to be returned to his conversation with the Underwriter. "Who was that?" the Underwriter asked.
"No one important."
After a moment, the Underwriter asked, "Was it my first favorite policy holder?" though Montague didn't bother letting him finish the sentence before hanging up on him too.
Rubbing his forehead, Montague started pacing in an effort to calm his nerves, only for the floor to disappear beneath him, sending him hurtling to the indestructible lower level of his hotel, where he came face to face with Vengeance Jones. Montague scowled. "You already got your banana back," he said, "what more do you want?"
His eyes wild, Vengeance Jones grabbed Montague's shoulders and started shaking him. "It's these godforsaken mosaic tiles, man," Vengeance Jones said. "I already hit level 200 three weeks ago but now I gotta collect 300 mosaic tiles for a loading screen and a backbling I'll never use from from containers, structures, and dead bodies."
Montague pried Vengeance Jones' hands from his shoulders finger by finger and took a long step backward. "So... you don't want my assault rifle and/or medallion?"
"No," Vengeance Jones said. "I did that quest last week."
"Yes, I was there," Montague said irritably. "Don't remind me."
"So look," Vengeance Jones said. "All I want to do is this. I just want to find, uh-" The reflection of the menu screen appeared in his eyes for a moment. "288 more tiles, which is 288 more than I have, because I need that loading screen. And the backbling, I guess."
"And the XP?"
"Fuck the XP."
Montague considered offering to sell him mosaic tiles at a reasonable price (read: outrageous markup) before realizing he had no idea what mosaic tiles were despite hearing about them from pretty much every other character in the fic so far. Vengeance Jones pointed this out and began laughing and did not stop for a long time. After confirming that Montague truly didn't know enough times that Montague began to lose his patience, Vengeance Jones finally let him in on the joke, explaining that a traveler named Odyssey had arrived on the island requesting loopers collect mosaic tiles that provided foreshadowing for next season.
Thus Montague, eager to prevent the loopers from further private property destruction and thus higher premiums on his beloved properties, decided to collect mosaic tiles himself to determine what sort of bullshit disaster would befall the island this time. Feeling quite excited as this was his first narrative catastrophe, Montague set out for Reckless Railways to enlist the aid of Valeria, his most trusted lieutenant. However, after searching for her for as many as one (1) storm circles, he gave up and headed over to Fencing Fields. (Reckless was going to be out of zone, okay.)
Nisha, however, was not interested in assisting him. "Jones set absolutely everything on fire here when he stole Peely back," she told him sourly. "Where were you then?"
"Probably drowning my sorrows at my hotel bar," Montague said. "But consider this." He waved his mythic. "AR twinsies!"
And so Nisha and Montague set out as a duo to collect mosaic tiles, committing gameplay sanctioned murders and long presses of the square button to force containers to vomit items and destroying non-Society-owned structures, until they had amassed a respectable number. Certainly more than Vengeance Jones had, at least. Montague stroked his chin while inspecting the resulting image. He frowned. "Do you have a bad feeling about this?" he asked Nisha.
"I've had a bad feeling about this since you unveiled that statue of the Society's emblem to all the island elites," she muttered.
"But you still joined," Montague pointed out. "Anyway, what if- and bear with me here, I know this is going to sound ridiculous- but what if the narrative catastrophe foreshadowed by these tedious collection quests is related to why we can't find Valeria?"
"Only one way to find out," Nisha said.
"You're right," Montague said. "Time to go talk to that Odyssey lady!"
Nisha made disbelieving expressions at him behind his back the whole way there.
Upon reaching Ruined Reels, they found Odyssey spouting cryptic bullshit about doom and gloom which they'd already gleaned from the fact that the mosaic was of well-known mythological monstrosity Cerberus. Montague tried asking about Valeria's whereabouts while Nisha checked their surroundings. "There she is," she said, pointing to the top of the nearby hill.
When they reached her, they found her deep in discussion with Skye, of all people. Valeria was pointing at a chest attached to a giant lava hand via a certifiably ominous chain. "All I need you to do is break the chain holding the chest so that we can get it open," she was saying. "Do this, and we shall be as gods!"
"Don't recommend," Skye said immediately.
"Whyever not?"
"Have you played any JRPG ever?" Skye said. "Literally never ends well."
"Did I mention the chest is a chest?" Valeria said.
"What's in it?" Skye asked.
"Does it matter?" Valeria said. "It's a chest."
Skye considered this for a moment, then said, "Okay, fair."
She ran off, epic swords of wonder brandished, to destroy a community event item that obviously didn't have enough stamina to withstand even a single weekend of very dedicated loopers incapable of touching grass attacking it endlessly while Montague and Nisha watched in alarm. "Valeria," Montague said, "what on earth are you doing?"
"Trying to gain the power of the gods," she said.
"Why?" Montague asked. "We already have the best weapons in the game, plus these shiny rocks that were so unbalanced they had to get nerfed."
"Which is why I want to un-nerf them," Valeria said.
"I mean, same," Montague said. "But I don't think this is going to do what you want it to do."
"Whyever not?"
"Maybe because the the mosaic of well-known mythological monstrosity Cerberus is on the side of the box," Nisha said, deadpan.
Valeria raised an eyebrow. Montague grinned nervously. "Look, I know it sounds ridiculous," he said, "but just hear us out-"
"Pass," Valeria said. "We need this power to pay for our property policy premium spikes!"
"I dare you to say that again," Nisha said.
"Valeria, the mosaic is why our rates are increasing!" Montague insisted. "You have to stop this. Now."
"Or else what?"
"I'll, uhhh..." Montague looked around, hoping to find some inspiration. "I'll vault the train."
Valeria glared at him. "You wouldn't dare."
"Okay, point taken," Montague said. "The trains running on time are pretty much the only thing keeping us from being overthrown by a communist uprising at this point."
This argument continued for another few loops, while buildings fell and reformed and fell in the background, creating a passage of time montage that concluded when Skye finally finished breaking the chain, allowing the box to open. The Society members all stopped talking as a twister of eerie light rose into the sky and were silent for a long time until Valeria spoke. "Fuck," she said.
"This is going to be terrible for the economy," Nisha said dryly.
Montague didn't say anything for a while, but finally took a deep breath and clapped his hands together. "It's fine," he said. "I'm sure everyone will stop collecting mosaic tiles now that the box is opened. We'll have all week to come up with another plan, like stealing. And more stealing."
Valeria and Nisha looked doubtful, staring pointedly at his phone when it started ringing. When Montague didn't answer it, Valeria cleared her throat. "Aren't you going to get that?"
Montague glared at her, not taking his eyes off her as he pulled out his phone. "Hello?"
"First time?"
Montague hung up and buried his face in his hands. "We are never going to financially recover from this."
The end.