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High school house parties were one awesome night of thrill and excitement and inevitable regret for even just the regular kids; the kids whose only problems were what to wear to prom and what grades they needed to get. However, when you were a ragtag group of mutants who'd snuck out of boarding school to go to one, house parties were a whole other level of amazing and fun and exhilarating - and absolutely fucking terrifying. (Well, Bobby Drake found it terrifying, the others didn't seem to care all that much.) Pete was showing off his quite literally iron stomach trying whatever disgusting concoction that came his way, Rogue and Kitty were socialising, or at least he prayed that was all they were doing. Kitty could handle herself, but Rogue? Bobby always worried for Rogue. She was a sweet, curious teenage girl with the power of death at her fingertips. He wondered if that made him a bad person, if he was just worried because she was a girl.
Bobby stood in the corner, music blasting, people talking, eyes stuck firmly on his friends because he couldn't help but be the responsible one (because God forbid he let himself have fun). It had always been like this - if it wasn't worrying about Rogue, it was worrying about the younger students, or back home for as long as he could remember he'd worried about Ronny, then at school, when they first started going to these parties, he'd worried about him . John Fucking Allerdyce. Pyro, he should call him now, because he left that name behind when he left everything behind, left Bobby behind. Because letting John lean on him when he was too drunk to walk straight, or brushing the hair from his face when he threw up at stupid o'clock in the morning, or even reassuring him he was beautiful as Bobby cradled him in his arms late at night? That all meant nothing to him. Bobby meant nothing to him.
"Bobby!" Kitty chirped with a heavy tap to Bobby's shoulder to jolt him back to reality, Rogue with her arms looped in Kitty's, both looked expectantly at Bobby. He didn't know what they wanted. They just kind of stared. Bobby found that his friends and classmates and pretty much everyone just did that sometimes, stared at him like he could read their minds because he wasn't mutant enough already.
"There's no more ice," Rogue added hastily, gesturing her cup at Bobby. Because asking him was most certainly more convenient than waiting for Bobby's genes to mutate more. He smiled, because of course, because that's all he was good for. Babysitting people the same age as him and having a cold touch. He put his fingers to the bottom of the cups and let the ice spread its way to their drinks, chilling the liquid in moments; he had to move his hands away before the two were left with ice blocks in a cup. They quickly left him; he was clearly not entertaining enough for the two of them.
It was a while until anyone decided to talk to him again and judging by the bills shuffling in his hands it definitely wasn't for the riveting conversation. "I hear you can score us some super cheap ice?" The stranger didn't even bother looking up from counting the money. Bobby opened his mouth before snapping it shut, he had to tread carefully, did they mean what he could get?
"Yeah. Ice, like, frozen water ice,” Bobby spoke slowly, because he couldn't risk a thing.
"Fuck else would I mean, nerd?” The stranger slapped ten dollars to Bobby's chest and rolled his eyes while Bobby just stood there, utterly fucking dumbfounded as the guy walked away without another word.
Did he just have to go outside, make a fuckton of ice and wait around for a reasonable amount of time? And free ten bucks? Easy money. But he couldn't keep an eye on Rogue or the others in that time... could he go so against himself for easy money. He didn't want to be here anyway, shouldn't he be thankful for the time away? Fuck it. This was a get out of jail free card for a party he wasn't enjoying. Pete was here, so if anything happened to Kitty and Rogue, Pete could deal with it. Why did he need to rationalise this? Couldn't he just leave to go get some fucking air?
It was cold outside. Bobby normally didn't feel the cold since his body was always chilly, his hands cold to the touch. He could feel it now, this bitter air that hurt to gulp down, razor sharp winds that tousled his short hair. These winter walks late at night never used to be cold, because John wasn't cold. He was never cold, his hands were always warm in Bobby's, his body always emanated this radius of warmth. As long as he was near John, he was never cold.
He missed him. How couldn't he?
He missed when John was here, and who John used to be. He knew he wasn't supposed to feel this since he'd always told John not to feel it, it seemed pretty hypocritical now. He couldn't hate him, he tried hard to hate him, because that would make everything easier. Bobby didn't want to think about this, rubbing his eyes to try and get rid of these stupid thoughts. He checked his watch, wondering how long was a justifiable wait for 'picking up ice'.
"Cold?" Bobby stopped in his tracks as someone approached him from behind. "I didn't think that was possible." The person wasn't in his view yet and he refused to turn around. He knew it was him; that voice was evidence enough, not to mention the warmth that spread as he approached. Bobby's breath hitched as those warm fingers trailed across his shoulders, a woollen scarf tangled his neck and John was in front of him now.
"Why are you here?" Bobby exhaled through clenched teeth, refusing to look at him - looking would make it real.
John shrugged and rocked on his heels. "Well, we always go to these parties."
Bobby grunted and pushed past John, spinning to face him for a moment and yelling at him as he walked backwards. " We? There's no fucking we anymore, John. Just go before you upset Kitty and Rogue."
John snorted a snarky laugh, nodding slowly. “Of fucking course.” That only made the confused anger in Bobby boil up some more.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bobby pleaded for answers; the whole situation was way too confusing and wrong. He should run, call the X-Men to take down this- this criminal!
“Jesus, Bobby! You just don’t get it, do you?” John sounded legitimately pained at the other man's resistance.
John looked different now. He hardly recognised him with that swept back bleach blonde hair. His face was different too; dark with sunken eyes. He looked thin and his clothes were ragged. Bobby was furious. It was so much easier thinking that John couldn't come back at all. Not that he chose not to. Why didn't he come back sooner? Why did he come back at all?
"Have you seen your parents... or Ronny since....?" John clearly read the vibe and knew his playful joking wouldn't break Bobby's hard shell, he had to hit him where it hurt.
“Fuck you," Bobby snapped back, focusing hard to keep the ice that swirled from his hands from spreading. He knew had to leave and walk away, but he couldn't. John took a few steps towards Bobby, looking shittier the closer he got, and yet still he had that stupid charm.
"I didn't mean-" John reached for Bobby's cheek, his hands were warm like they always were, brushing against Bobby's pink cheek.
“I know exactly what you're trying to do, John," Yet he kept those fucking warm hands on Bobby's cheeks.
"What? Comfort my friend ?" The way he put emphasis on the word friend, because they both know everything between them was more than what could ever be considered friends.
“I told you I didn’t want this… I can’t, John.” Bobby removed the warm hand from his cheek, pressing it to his old friend's chest. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do.
“You never liked the way I liked you," John spoke so softly but his words were tainted with hurt. Bobby paused, because this was so wrong. This wasn't the John he knew his friend had become. Nor the one he had been before.
"Why are you acting like this?" Bobby ran his hands through his hair, the control of his powers slipped from his grasp with every passing moment. He couldn’t find the words, if there was anything he could say at all. He could only stare at John’s stupid fucking dye job. “Why did you do that to-” Bobby didn’t finish the sentence if anything it’d taken him a few moments to realise he’d even started it. His hands raised to gesture at John's scruffy, straw yellow hair.
John laughed, a real, proper laugh; probably for the first time in a good while, sitting himself down on the swingset of the park Bobby had absent-mindedly guided them to. They used to sneak out here all the time at night, it must’ve just been some weird muscle memory that took him back here. John teetered back and forth on the swing, looking around the empty park in the dead of night. “How’s Rogue?” John asked, not because he really cared, but out of a want to get under Bobby's skin. Bobby couldn't help but keep his eyes locked on the ground, he’d felt so weird since John left, like there was something huge missing from his life: his best friend, his roommate and still so much more. He’d distanced himself from Rogue and she’d clearly noticed. Noticed he missed John more than he should, or that he got distracted every time they kissed.
“We broke up. I think. It’s like a “break” or whatever but we’re still friends, kinda,” Bobby sat on the swing next to John, letting the midsole of his ragged sneakers drag along the dirt ground. Finally speaking those words gave him an odd sense of relief that flooded through him. He finally had the courage to look John in the eyes again but there was still something he was dying to say, a deep breath to harness his loose powers before he spoke. “I missed you.” And with those final heavy words off of his chest it felt like Bobby could finally breathe again, but now it felt like his heart was skipping a beat. Maybe he'd just never be perfectly, regularly fine.
John didn't respond, like Bobby's words weren't real, because how was any of this real? This was an incredibly stupid idea that got dumber by the second. So neither of them spoke, just swung under the dark night sky, hazy with clouds and the occasional star that broke through the light pollution. John had always looked his best at night, when the light was low enough that the slightest glimpse of illumination across his stupid, stubborn visage sent shivers down Bobby's spine, it wasn't any different now. As worn out as he looked, John Allerdyce remained utterly ethereal.
“Do you remember that party? It must’ve been two- no, three years now. We were fifteen. That chick I had been dating for like a month broke up with me because she found out I wasn't private school rich but private school freaky? You found me in the corner at that party and refused to hear me out,” John spoke ever so slowly, carefully selecting each and every word.
“You were insanely drunk and babbling,” Bobby interjected with a laugh, his hand falling to his side. John couldn't help but stare, was this an invitation of some sort?
“ Anyway. You slung me over your shoulder and took me home, showered me, held me as I threw up. You were never angry, or mean or anything. You were just disappointed, which for whatever reason was so much worse. ” John kept his eyes bolted on Bobby's hand, he let his own hand fall in line with Bobby's, occasionally brushing together, which felt somewhat terrifying but absolutely exhilarating.
“I liked that night, you climbed from your own bed and forced me to hold you because you were scared of the thunder,” Bobby added after an extended moment of silence as John’s pinkie finger danced along Bobby’s knuckles, John’s hands had always been rough and calloused, his pinkie dropped to curl around Bobby’s index finger. They remained quiet again, their two hands so delicately intertwined, neither had the courage to speak or move or do anything more.
“You kissed me that night.” Bobby finally broke the silence and he could swear that John stopped breathing. He’d never managed to articulate those words before, because he was sure John didn’t remember and he tried so hard not to too. Tried so hard not to think about the taste of John’s lips every time he kissed Rogue. Tried not to think if John actually meant it or if he was just drunk.
John didn't respond but his fingers intertwined further with Bobby's, desperately looking for some kind of reassurance. John's breathing was heavy and Bobby could swear his hands flushed with that sacred heat.
“I didn't think you remembered and- and I… had a girlfriend, so I just-” Bobby stumbled over his words, desperately trying to find some stupid excuse or explanation or anything that he could use to justify whatever it was he felt he needed to justify.
John stood up, his hand breaking away from the unfathomable bond of their interlocked fingers. He dug around in his Jean pockets for one of his lighters, clicking the lid back and forth as he tried to contain himself. He needed his flames but he knew Bobby was on edge as it was, he couldn't risk it.
“John…?” Bobby stepped forward off of the swingset, his hand brushing against John's arm as he passed by, stopping a few steps past John. John furrowed his brows and brought the lighter to his lips, the cool metal against his skin just made him think of Bobby. They stood together for a moment before John finally gathered up enough courage to speak.
“You're fucking difficult, Bobby Drake,” John wished he felt anything but his true feelings because his feelings were stupid and bad and always got him in just the wrong amount of trouble. He took a step closer to Bobby, his hands finding their way to Bobby's back, up his shoulders, pulling him to face the fiery man, his eyes searching in the deep, icy blue that stared back at him. Bobby's lips were shut tight, his eyes fixated on his old friends, because he knew what was coming, because he knew he fucked up. “Is that why we never hung out alone? Why Rogue was everywhere we went? Why you pushed me away?” John closed his eyes and pushed on Bobby's shoulder, he had to get away from him before he did something stupid, but Bobby held a tight grip on his arm.
“It's not what you think.” He pleaded with John, he knew how it looked. “Rogue was- I used- I thought that…” Bobby trailed off because the words he needed refused to find their way to him.
“You don't have to explain yourself, it's my fault.” John shook his head, pleading without words for Bobby to release him even though his grip was no longer tight. Without warning Bobby took John's hand, leading him deep into the woods, which was a stupid idea because he didn't know his way around the woods but fuck he needed some kind of seclusion.
“Where are we going?” John questioned but Bobby simply dragged him along, refusing to utter a single word. “Bobby.” John dragged his heels to force them to a stop, to make this end so he could leave with what little remained of his dignity.
“You said I'm difficult but you don't exactly make things easy, Allerdyce,” Bobby dropped John's hand and crossed his arms. He seemed annoyed but more so frustrated, only John couldn't tell who he was frustrated with. “For one we were alone everyday in our shared bedroom, god forbid I want a bigger social circle. Two, I just thought it would be awesome to hang out with my best friend and my girlfriend! I wanted you two to get along since you were the two most important people in my life. Three, you pushed me away first, John! We'd go to parties together and you'd abandon me for the first girl who even glanced at you! How do you think that made me feel?” Bobby hadn't noticed the snow that had fallen in a circle around him and John through his emotionally driven rant, nor the frost that began to nip at the bark of the trees surrounding them. Bobby looked around at the snow a little and let out a laugh mixed with his deep exhale. “I never, never held that kiss against you. Don’t you dare assume I would. It confused me- sure, and… maybe I did push you away, just a little because I didn’t understand the…. Fuck.” He pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, ice cold anger infecting the atmosphere with its sharp sting before he managed to calm himself just enough. “But don't you dare assume I'd be so ignorant.” Bobby poked John in the chest, a hard, point proving poke.
John grabbed a fistful of Bobby's shirt, pushing him against an icy tree, hard. His breath was hot and firey as ever, visible in Bobby's frozen atmosphere, warming his cold lips before John crashed them against his. He tasted like cold mint, the spearmint gum he always used to chew, John had always thought it tasted like toothpaste but now it would just tasted like Bobby. Cold hands curled around John's waist and held him close, he'd missed this, the warm feeling of John's skin. He liked how his lips felt on John's, more than he'd ever liked how it felt with Rogue or Kitty or any of the girls he'd kissed before then. He'd always assumed kissing was supposed to have that little uncomfortable pit in the bottom of his stomach because how could being so close to a person not feel weird. The only thing in his stomach as his lips interlocked with John's was rising butterflies.
"Hold it against me, Bobby. Tell me you fucking hate me for this. Cut me loose, just reject me so I can get over you, okay?" John kept his head near Bobby's, catching their breaths together. "I kissed you, I meant it, hate me." John could feel Bobby's hands digging deep into his sides; was he about to ice up? Fight him?
"I kissed you back, hothead," Bobby exhaled, a rush of frosty air leaving his mouth. "I don't know what this is, but... I like it- you." Bobby kissed John again once more, gently. He smiled into John's lips, the smile was very mixed, he was happy and confused and disappointed by what he knew would come next. "You're so fucking complicated." He pushed John away and turned to catch his breath, his stomach was twisted in a thrillingly awful way.
"W-what?" John stumbled back a few steps, instinctively reaching for the lighter in his back pocket, he knew he didn't need them anymore- he had his wrist lighters, but still. Nothing could beat the feeling of the lighters hood clicking back and forth in his fingers, the cool metal against his skin. It wasn't something logical, it was just some dumb habit he'd formed over the years.
"This was stupid John, you shouldn't have come here. I like you, but you're not leaving the brotherhood and I'm not leaving the institute so what are we doing?" Bobby leaned his forehead against the bark of the tree, he couldn't look at John, he knew this was wrong, and he'd never dug this deep into these feelings; his sense of self was gone, lost to the wind, and he felt like he was about to lose his lunch along with it. His life was crumbling around him and John was there to watch him fall apart.
John stepped forward and put his hands on his hunched over friends shoulders. "Bobby...." He whispered and rubbed his back, trying his best to very secretly trace his shoulder blades, the ridges of his spine; it wasn't discreet at all. He knew that Bobby was right, that this was doomed before it began. Because he was a stubborn bastard and Bobby had a hero complex and was convinced he could save him when he sure as Hell didn't need to be saved.
John pulled Bobby down to the floor, sitting against the tree and pulling Bobby's head into his lap, running his fingers through his hair. "I fucked this up, didn't I?" John sighed, he liked touching Bobby, his skin was soft and cool, "I know I shouldn't’ve come back. Magneto is gonna be pissed if he finds out. But- fuck man, I needed to see you," John closed his eyes and sunk into the tree. He could feel tears rolling down Bobby's cheeks, but he pretended he couldn't - it just didn't feel right.
"You fucking suck," Bobby grumbled and wiped his eyes, but stayed with his head on John's lap. "I want to kiss you and take you home and hold you so you don't leave again. I shouldn't feel like that. You. Fucking. Suck." John leaned over and kissed Bobby's head, it wasn't what he wanted but it was what he could give. He knew him being here was entirely selfish and hurting Bobby; he was an asshole and Bobby was right in saying he sucked.
"Are you okay there... Are you safe?" Bobby reached for John's hand, he was deep into this, sinking further down with each passing second. Logic was out the window, common sense was nowhere to be found but John- John was right there, in his reach.
"I'm... None of us are safe until the Humans recognise we're the superior species,” John spoke as if he was just reciting lines, hollow and empty. John looked down at the shitty Regular Show watch Bobby had given him for his birthday two years ago, rolling his eyes and knocking his head back against the tree they were leaning on. “That actually the time?” He exhaled and squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to leave this moment. Bobby sat up and grabbed John’s wrist to check the watch; all it took was one chilling touch and John’s heart pounded in his chest.
“Yeah,” Bobby looked up from the watch and deep into those fiery eyes, digging for some semblance of regret or worry. “Why?” He dropped John's wrist and fell back on his heels. He knew what came next - he’d known since the beginning and yet still it hurt so much more to hear.
“Look, I’d stay with you all night if I could, but Magneto gets pissy if I break curfew and I don’t-” John was being oddly sincere, he never really sounded so apologetic but there was just this little quiver in his voice that let Bobby knew there was nowhere else his old friend would rather be at that moment.
His solemn moment of sincerity was broken by a giggle from Bobby.
“You have a curfew?” He snickered, as if it was the most unbelievable moment of that whole night.
John mocked Bobby’s laugh, and rolled his eyes with a quick sarcastic, “Haha, fuck you,” which just so happened to be a response much more Pyro-esque than anything from the past hour and a half. John wasted no time in getting to his feet, shitty thrift store jeans more grubby than usual from sitting on the snow soaked ground. He brushed himself off and stood awkwardly, staring at Bobby still crouched on the ground. Why was this so confusing? He’d never been confused about Bobby before. It had always been John, Bobby and the big unrequited crush John kept a secret since they were fourteen. “You okay, Iceman?” He held out a hand to help Bobby to his feet.
Bobby gave that awkward half smile he always gave when offered help- at least when offered help from John, like it was some sort of novelty that the pyromaniac even had the capacity to be kind with no ulterior motive. He managed a grumbled “thanks” as he hauled himself to his feet, purposely avoiding John's gaze. Avoiding meeting his eyes like a stranger might, as if he hadn't just sucked his face and cried on his lap. “Can I see you again?” Bobby finally managed to meet John's gaze and he could swear his heart froze over. They'd been friends since John came to the institute (well, Bobby had insisted they should be friends; it didn't come as easy to John).
John shifted on his feet, toying with the frayed sleeves of his jacket - it was an old thing, but Bobby had gotten it for John's sixteenth birthday from some random thrift store in town and he'd worn it constantly since. He realised Bobby was staring at him, waiting for an answer that he hadn't even begun to formulate. Quick, hit him with a shitty joke; that always works! “I don't know, Bobby, can you?”
Abort! Abort! Run home and hide away, you fucking freak!
Bobby only shrugged, not even catching on to John's half-assed attempt at a joke. He was way too flustered (having a sexuality crisis in the middle of the woods with his ex-best friend turned enemy would do that). This was not where he saw this night going when he begrudgingly agreed to go to babysit his friends at a party - oh, shit, the party . He looked deep into John's eyes; was he being serious? “I want to!” he blurted out, far too desperately, and had to correct himself. “I mean… I'd like to - I just don't know if I should?” In all the kissing and longing and well… everything, he'd totally forgotten that communing with (and most certainly making out with) a member of the brotherhood of mutants was strictly forbidden.
John felt around in his pocket, his lighter, there. Always was but that wasn't what he was looking for. Same shape, bigger, plastic, shoved into Bobby's hands. “In case you decide,” John smiled softly rather than displaying the shit-eating grin that he usually kept firmly plastered on his face. This smile meant something, really actually meant something. He kissed Bobby, probably the last time in a while but hopefully not the last. “I really have to go, Iceman,” He stroked Bobby's cheek. John took a few steps away, but he just couldn't leave without tugging Bobby into possibly the tightest hug of his life.
Within moments he was gone and Bobby was left alone in the middle of the woods.
The trees were silent in the dead of night but Bobby had never felt more alive. He set his eyes upon the object in his hand, some shit burner phone. He ran his thumb over the keypad and shoved it deep into the pocket of his jeans, he'd keep it safe though he still wasn't sure if this was a good idea. Did it have to be a good idea? It felt good with his lips on John's, natural. Better than Rogue, though she was pretty. John tugged at his hair better than the way Kitty did - his fingers were rough, warm enough for it to mean something against his icy skin. How long had he felt like this? “Shit,” Bobby checked the time and sighed heavily, certainly enough time to get ice.
It was a long walk back to the party on his own, he hadn't realised how far they'd wandered together. Looking back he wished he'd linked his fingers with John, he was still mad John was gone, he didn't think he'd ever stop being mad at John's decision to leave though he'd always been strong with his views, John's views had never been this… well, extreme. In a way it was commendable, fighting for what he believed in but that didn't make it right. He didn't regret the kissing… did he like boys? Little late to be asking that question . But John? John had always been his best friend, sure, he'd had a mix of weird achy feelings in his stomach after the whole drunken kiss, but he'd always had some bullshit excuse to pass those off in his mind.
Bobby stopped halfway down the road from the house where the party was still raging on, clutching the totally inconspicuous block of ice he'd conjured up on the way back. Piotr, Kitty and Rogue were all sitting on the steps outside, all looking at some varying level of disappointment. Bobby gave the burner phone in his pocket a quick run over with his thumb before hurrying over to his friends.
“Guys? Why are you out here?” Bobby took a deep breath and turned back on the responsible version of himself.
Piotr gave Rogue and Kitty a quick glance, then looked back at Bobby. “They do not wish to admit their wrongdoings first, I shall take one for the team,” Piotr gestured towards the girls and sighed. “I overestimate the ability of my stomach, sick on some poor party people. I wish to go home, but couldn't find Bobby.”
Kitty rubbed Piotr’s back sympathetically and looked up at Bobby; it felt easier to talk now that Piotr had spoken first. “Playful flirting got a little too serious, and…” she covered the side of her mouth to hide from Rogue, lowering her voice even though it was clear the girl was hardly listening and half asleep. “Someone got a little wasted. I mean, you normally cut us off when we drink too much…” Bobby looked at the floor, kind of annoyed he couldn't just leave his friends to be responsible for themselves for a few hours without them doing some stupid shit.
“Where’d’yyya go, Bobby-o?” Rogue chuckled, her words slurring as she managed to let out a confusing mix of a hiccup and a burp.
“Yeah!” Kitty chimed in because of fucking course everyone had to know. “I thought you were just getting ice, that was like two hours ago!” Kitty lifted her eyebrows and Bobby could tell just what she was thinking and well… it wasn't exactly wrong.
“I wasn't doing anything! I was just catching up with an old friend,” Bobby shrugged it off - he wasn't lying, he was just bending the truth. “Uh, anyway, let's get you guys home, those two look awful and you don't look much better” Bobby gestured to all three of his friends, landing on Kitty, the only one that looked like she wasn't going to puke.
Bobby dipped inside for a moment and left his (totally normal) hunk of ice in the kitchen, deliberately avoiding the guy who'd asked him to go get the ice and ringing for a taxi on the landline.
He'd overthink the events of that evening as he lay alone, sleepless in bed. Rethink who he was as a whole, because he didn't know if he could keep being this pillar of responsibility while keeping a secret this big. While he could still feel John's warmth on his lips. It felt kind of good to break the rules - exhilarating. Maybe that's why John did it, because only that pounding in his heart made him feel really, truly alive. Was that the rule breaking or was that just how he felt about John? Regardless, he knew he had to feel that way again.
He dug the burner out of his jean pockets and stared at it for a moment before turning it on. The only contact registered on the phone was “hot stuff” which made him chuckle slightly and chew his cheek, just deciding if this was a good idea. Did it really matter if it was?
1:36 AM
I had fun tonight- B