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They’d settled into a routine, him and Neil. Neil and him. Everyone close to them knew how interchangeable it really was, how entwined their lives were. But, like most things, none of them knew the true extent of it, not even Neil himself. No, that information was held solely by the Protagonist.
It wasn’t something he tried to think about, though. Not unless he had to, unless work demanded it of him. In fact, more often, he actively tried to forget it. The flash of blue, the spray of blood, the gleam of red and gold. That was easier to do, and more pleasant by far. He found his comfort in the easy domesticity he and Neil had made for themselves. A concept which went against the very nature of their work, but they’d managed to carve out nonetheless, fighting tooth and nail for moments of peace all the way.
The ever-present guilt pressing at his mind was easy to ignore during their late mornings when the morning sun filtered through sheer curtains, illuminating Neil’s hair with soft dappled patterns. Times like those were when he got the closest to proposing they leave. Hand it to someone else, leave the game. He had enough money to live off of, Neil would make an excellent theoretical physics professor. The world might end, sure, but they would be happy. Neil would be- alive. The world would end. He wished he was more selfish. But what’s happened, happened.
So, they trot around the globe- a new hotel every night. He’s injured, Neil’s injured. They survive every time. They trot through time, back and forth and back again. Over and over. Neil’s thinking expands, becomes less linear. The Protagonist can’t excuse his withholding of information as trying not to confuse Neil anymore, but he still does. On a mission, he jokes to Neil that lying is standard operating procedure. He gets a long look in return. Neil knows.
When he proposes to Neil, it’s with an inverted gold ring. Something he’s already worn, but doesn’t know it yet. The sentiment isn’t lost on him. Or their friends. After the (very) small wedding, they take a break for the first time in a long time, spending a week in a nice, tropical country with just the two of them. No temporal war, no inverted bullets destroying the bodies. It’s peaceful, for once. It only takes three days for the denial to come crashing down.
It’s morning, his favorite time to look at Neil, all bright and golden and happy. He makes breakfast while Neil looks out at the green and blue nature - something not easy to find these days. Neil turns back to look at him, smiles that smile and all of the effort to forget is for nothing. He remembers. In the not-so-distant future, he will send Neil back to save his younger self. In the past, he’ll watch Neil die for him with no idea of the true meaning it has. Neil will do it because he loves him, because he knows it’s right. They’ll save the world, but his world here, now, will be irreparably destroyed. It may have been the end of the beginning for him back then, but he recognises that, right now, this is the beginning of the end.
When Neil sees the devastation on his face and comes in to comfort and distract him, he confesses everything in hushed, ashamed murmurs. Neil holds him the whole while. They both know there is no other option for them.
The war gets worse. On their anniversary, when the Protagonist gifts Neil one necklace of a pair - an inverted gold disk on a thick string of red, he knows what it means. Something to wear when they’re in different times, to remember each other by. He keeps his around his neck, under his suit. Three weeks later, they go over the plan. A week after that, he ties Neil’s necklace to his pack and watches as his husband enters the turnstile. He lets him go
Soon after and years prior, simultaneously, Neil saves a young man twice. The protagonist removes his wedding ring a month later, but he never takes off the necklace.