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It’s hard to tell when it started.
Soyeon was unlucky to be one of those people to hit puberty early. Her mother had fretted over her like an anxious bird, constantly pecking away slowly. Scared her body was going to change too much, too early.
Tick, tick.
Soyeon should have been thankful that wasn’t an issue for her. Not for long. She didn’t fret over it the way her classmates would around her the longer she was fenced in with them.
She felt the small ocean in her chest. A small little flutter with the little mistakes. The wobbles and shakes in her hands trying to hold on to her pen in the middle of class.
Tick, tick.
The older she got the worse it got. The ocean got louder and roared and screamed senselessly. Her heartbeat felt scattered everywhere, erratic in the way her breathing and thoughts shattered.
She graduated with entry into an adequate course, at an adequate university, for an adequate job.
Her mother and father were happy.
It didn’t ease the constant echo that rang in her head.
Most days Soyeon felt lucky she was able to get out of bed and function, craving that same brief lapse when the ocean would simmer down and let her breathe.
Tick, tick.
She met Yuqi in her second year.
An exchange student, Yuqi was the sun that glittered in her eyes. Apparently, finding a warm place to belong was hard, but the moment Yuqi entered her life and flipped things upside down, she found it in her arms.
Had she?
“Time’s up!”
Soyeon groggily blinked, dragging her head off the desk to stare down at the test paper. Everyone around her scuffled to her feet, filing out of the lecture hall.
Her page was blank.
The waves screamed in her ears, overpowering the struggle of her heart rate.
“Have you finished?”
It quietened for a moment. Soyeon lifted her head, slowly staring through eyelashes and messy bangs that had grown out too long.
“No.” She sighed, fingers achingly pushing hair back. “I’m sorry- I… I really tried this time.”
Her elderly professor’s smile softened as he picked it up. “I’ll tell you what… why don’t you meet me tomorrow afternoon, and we can try again?”
She picked at her fingers, again, seeking for that little sting to ground herself. “Uh- okay… yes. I’ll try again tomorrow.”
“I look forward to it, Soyeon.” He nodded his head sagely, slowly straightening out. “Do you think I need to say something to the school?”
“No!” She yelped, grimacing and sinking back into herself, the waves dragging her back. She couldn’t do that. “No… I have everything under control, sir. I promise this was just a one-off. I’ll do better tomorrow. I promise.”
“Get some sleep.” He said once more as he stepped away, leaving her alone.
It was happening again.
Round and round and around until she could just find a way to stop that deafening ache to just quiet.
She needed Yuqi.
Her therapist used to murmur about how strong her attachment managed to grow. Friends and family and love would come and go like the turn of the season. People she once loved day in and day out wouldn’t speak anymore. She knew better than to cling so hard.
It scared people off. No one could handle the rage of the sea inside her body, their boats would smash and roll and break. The sea scared people.
The sea couldn’t scare the sun waiting for her outside.
Why didn’t it scare her?
“Soyeonnie!” Yuqi’s smile split impossibly bigger. She spread her arms, enveloping the older girl in the speckled yellows and oranges of her sweater. Laughing, Yuqi covered her face in kisses. “How was it? Did you do good?”
Soyeon’s lips pressed together tightly in a feigned grimace.
“I- uhh… I did okay. I think. I hope so.”
Yuqi leaned back and linked her fingers with Soyeon’s, tugging her along slowly. “I’m happy! Oh… guess what? I ordered some food for us, and I figured we could just… watch a movie tonight. Cuddle in bed? It’s been a while since I’ve had a night off.”
Soyeon managed a nod of her head, faintly gripping her hand tighter.
“Perfect. I missed you.” She cooed, kissing the top of Soyeon’s hand before dragging her along.
The crowd of people had thinned out, leaving her alone with Yuqi, the thrum of the rain and the ache in her head.
Yuqi squeezed her hand twice. “What’s on your mind?”
“I feel too much for you.” She exhaled before thinking twice. Stopping before Yuqi could open up their umbrella, she stood at the edge of the courtyard with her. “I… I want too much. All of the time. I feel so selfish because of it. What good of a- a… a girlfriend am I when I can’t handle a job? A-And… I can’t handle just a normal test?”
Yuqi’s lips softened as she turned her body to face Soyeon, taking hold of both hands. She rubbed her thumb over her knuckles slowly. “You know, I was watching the rain when it first started.”
“What does that have to do with me?” Soyeon frowned.
“I realised on the train that I’d forgotten my umbrella, and it frustrated me. Badly. Then I remembered that rain must be common for you, as uncommon as it is for me. It doesn’t make us the same, and I wish it did.”
Yuqi let go of her hands to gently loop her arm around Soyeon’s waist. “I know you tend to cling hard, and I love that about you. I love how much you care about me. It’s like how much I still care for the rain like you do. I don’t like to upset myself, but it’s a natural thing like the rain will always be a natural thing for you. Anyway, I hope the rain keeps coming and going like every ebb and flow of nature. The rain hurts, but the flowers adore it. You hurt, and I adore you.”
Soyeon felt her vision blur, just a little more. Her lips wobbled like a rippling tide, simmering down and slowing her heartbeat with it. “You don’t make any sense.”
“You mean too much to me, Soyeonnie.” Yuqi cooed, kissing her face once again. Her lips kissed her face with a warmth strong enough to forget it was raining down all around them, enough to shine off that angry ocean in her chest to settle it. Just for a little bit. “I’m lucky I got to know all of you. Tomorrow’s a new day. Home?”
Soyeon found her home ages ago, their sleeves dabbing at the corners of her eyes to mop up tears.
“I’d love that.”