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It's always your closest friends who understand you best. Sometimes all it took was a couple letters strung together in a text message. Sometimes, it was an accidental pocket dial at the perfect time. It happened more times than you might expect. The three of them were stuck together like glue and all of them knew exactly what to say to get the others running over as fast as possible.
It was probably one in the morning, teetering on the edge between Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Geoff was at Otto’s house, helping him build some furniture for his bedroom– a new television stand, a couple organizers, and a desk. The two also had parts out to build a PC– a task which would have to wait for another day, as their eyelids felt heavier than a ton.
“And I fucking hate Ikea furniture,” Otto swore. “It’s like, you know, why even bother? Just buy something off EBay with no instructions, you’d have better luck.”
“Right,” Geoff nodded in agreement, eyes scanning the instructions sheet again when his phone went off with a single ding. He didn’t think too much of it– probably another YouTube comment, as he was logged into the band page. Or telemarketers who’d moved on to texting. “I think that’s supposed to connect to the wide side.”
Otto turned the dark piece of wood he was holding, and it slid into place in a much more sensical fashion. “This is why we keep you around,” he laughed, angular features lighting up the way they always did when he felt stupid.
“Yeah, because all I’m good for is building furniture and nerdy shit.” Geoff decided to humor him, just as he always did. The band always fed off of each other in this way. It was how they survived. His phone went off again then– two dings in a row. “What the hell do these scammers want? It’s past midnight.”
“Maybe they’re from the other side of the world. It might be your Nigerian uncle,” Otto chuckled again, humoring himself with the comment. Geoff had suddenly stalled completely, sort of musing at his phone. Otto looked at him. “What’s up?”
A series of text messages from “Awsten <3”:
“Alone”
“Chest hurts”
“geoff”
“I’m needed,” Geoff said. Otto couldn’t push past thinking of how that was kind of a batman thing to say. He entertained the thought in his head where the walls couldn’t hear him.
“Is everything okay?”
“I’m not sure,” Geoff said, because he couldn’t say no, and he certainly couldn’t say yes. “I’ll help you finish this tomorrow. That’s structurally sound enough that it won’t fall or anything,” he gestured to the half-completed television stand that really just looked more like an inexplicable hunk of wood than anything else. “I’ll come over tomorrow and help you finish it. Sorry, man.”
“It’s all good. Shit happens.” Otto placed his hands on his knees, using that as his traction to pull himself off the floor and put his arms around Geoff, taking his friend in a tight embrace. “I’ll see you tomorrow, man. Love you.”
“See you then, love you too.” Geoff let himself out of the house shortly after the exchange ended, climbing into his car and placing his key into the ignition. He pulled his phone out and sent a text to Awsten before placing it on the center console and just driving.
“I’ll be there soon”
Maybe ten minutes had gone by when Geoff’s muscle memory led him into Awsten’s apartment. His key unlocking the door. His feet leading him to stand in the living room, where, in any normal situation, a friend might call out for who they know. Not Geoff. He stood there for a moment. Quiet, he listened.
And after listening for just enough time, he made his way over to Awsten’s bedroom door. He contemplated knocking, but he didn’t want to scare Awsten, so instead he whispered, “door opening,” just loud enough to be heard from inside. He gave about two seconds for Awsten to move from in front of the door, in case he’d been leaning against it, and pulled it open, letting himself in, closing the door behind him. Like a teenage secret.
“Geoff,” Awsten yelped, a quiet voice choked down and muffled by sobs, by a hoodie sleeve, and partially by his own embarrassment. That was a feeling that hadn’t ever gone away, no matter how close he was with Otto, or with Geoff. He’d always be embarrassed when they saw him like this.
Geoff lowered himself to sit on the floor, his hands gently grabbing Awsten’s waist to pull him close, into a comforting hug. “Hey, bud,” he whispered gently into Awsten’s hair, the other’s arms draped comfortably around Geoff’s neck, choked sobs spit into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around, rested one on Awsten’s lower back, rubbed his back with the other. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise.”
“I fucking hate all of them,” Awsten spat, his body rapidly moving with hyperventilation against Geoff’s calming touch. “I don’t want this, I n-ever wanted this, all I w-ant is you and Otto and t-o make music and f-eel good.”
“I know, I know…” Geoff kissed the top of Awsten’s head, bringing one hand up to card his fingers through the soft purple hair. It was another thing that was just as gentle as his voice, some soothing, calming motion. “What happened?” His lips were still pressed just carefully against the top of Awsten’s head, his warm body slowing sobs.
“I don’t even know, Geoff,” Awsten said with a sense of finality, sighing the words as if the tears were over. They weren’t, and both of them knew that Geoff wasn’t fooled. But nothing was complicated when they pretended. “I just s-napped, I guess.” his small gasps of air might have been what hurt the most. A wave of guilt washed over Geoff, not daring to be suppressed. If he’d checked his phone when he got the first text, he could have been here earlier, and maybe Awsten wouldn’t have been this far into this episode.
It was Awsten who’d pulled out of the hug first, placing his hand against Geoff’s chest to push himself away gently. “I don’t know why you guys even stick around. I must be fucking exhausting,” Awsten sighed, wiping his eyes.
“Awsten,” Geoff said, almost edging on sternness. He gently cupped Awsten’s face in his hands, not forcing eye contact, but encouraging it. “You think we don’t love you? Friendship– loving someone– caring for someone doesn’t just stop when they’re sad. You’re not a circumstance.”
Awsten’s eyes brimmed with tears again, “I don’t know why you're so willing to put up with me, though. I know you love me, I know I’m cared for and I know I fucking matter. But… god, you were helping Otto with furniture, weren’t you? It was selfish of me to text–”
“Aws, honey, shh…” Some part of Geoff’s charm was always calming people down. It wasn’t very often that Awsten’s brain got the better of him in this way, but he always knew he had his friends when he did, even if he talked like he was clueless.
“I’m sorry. I’m…” Awsten wiped his eyes with his sleeves, the fabric brushing Geoff’s fingers, wet with salty tears. “I’m okay now.”
“It’s alright.” Geoff smiled. “Do you want to lay down? I don’t have anything going on tomorrow. I can stay over if you want me to.”
With the movement Awsten made to pull back into his hug, Geoff let his hands fall from his face to wrap around his friend again. “I think,” Awsten hummed, “I’m gonna say some really stupid shit. And I’m gonna mean it all, but I’m gonna regret saying all of it because I’m gonna sound stupid and I’m gonna look stupid.”
“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.” Geoff ran his hands through Awsten’s hair again, becoming aware completely of the room they were in for the first time over the course of the past ten to twenty minutes.
“I want to,” Awsten said quietly, the space surrounding them warm. “It’s a lot of stuff that’s gonna come out eventually.”
“Say it all, then.” Really, Awsten couldn’t stress enough how comfortable Geoff’s voice was in this moment. Like his company alone was all he needed. If he could choose a place to die, it might just be in his arms.
“My aunt’s been pissing me off recently. And a lot of our old friends from Texas. I want to block them but I’m too much of a pussy.” He sat up from his hunched hug-position to sit just peacefully across from Geoff. “Like Jake. Like, what the fuck?”
“He’s made questionable choices.”
“And so have we! Like, everyone does, but he’s just so fucking annoying and literally I dread looking at my phone every time I get a notification because my snapchat keeps pushing that I look at his story and it’s just ab pics and he’s not even cute!”
Geoff laughed at this. It was the tone of distress that amused him the most– that, and the fact that, as far as he’d been told, Awsten was completely straight. It was always funny when he judged guys based on attractiveness merely because of that fact. Geoff was so caught up in thinking about it, that he nearly missed what Awsten said next.
“And Otto makes fun of me all the time, like, ‘oh, I bet you’d think these were good pictures if they were Geoff!’ and, like, he’s right, but you’re just fucking gorgeous all the time, and I don’t want to ruin my image of you in my mind by imagining your face on top of Jake’s fucking abs and–”
“Did you call me gorgeous?” Geoff’s tone was playful now, his voice floating around in the room. Friendly banter and flirting.
Awsten’s face was one of sincerity.
“You’re really fucking pretty.”
Oh. “Thank you, Awsten. You’re pretty too.”
The room might have been drunk on comfort. Almost inexplicably. Some stuck place between purgatory and heaven, not quite dreadful enough to be hell. Lingering fear which melted away without too much reason or thought behind any of it.
“You’re so pretty. Like, I kinda wanna kiss you sometimes.” Awsten finally laughed in spite of himself, a light kind of laugh which didn’t feel like it should have been placed where it was. Tension relief. The breath when you pull your head out from under the water.
And, yeah, sometimes it was hard for Geoff to keep his composure and be comforting when someone was wringing their heart out all over his nice clothes. This was one of those moments. He wanted to exclaim something, ask if he was serious even though he knew him well enough to know that he was. It was maybe equally as hard to gauge what Awsten wanted from him. Did he reach out for him, kiss him like he said? Would that be his best dream or his worst nightmare? Or did he sit there, let Awsten keep this moment for himself?
“...Can you kiss me?”
“I’m capable.” Geoff smiled and leaned forward, pulling Awsten closer to him and kissing him gently, a feeling Awsten melted into faster than he could think about it. There was the soft sensation of a smile against his lips, the sweet feeling of a tired giggle.
“So you’re not gonna hate me tomorrow?” Awsten pulled away and smiled, hands lingering on Geoff’s waist, bright smile, tired eyes.
“I couldn’t ever hate you, Aws.” Geoff placed a hand on one of Awsten’s upper arms. “But it’s almost two in the morning, and you’ve been up since five, and you’ve gotta go to bed.” Kind eyes. Genuine care in every aspect of his expression. “Come on,” he smiled, not waiting for Awsten to stand up, but instead picking him up and carrying him over to the bed, dropping him down in the middle of it. “I’m gonna steal your pajamas tonight. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.” Awsten smiled and reached to move the pillows in a way that would be comfortable for both of them to lay down in. Geoff walked out and came back into the room in Awsten’s pajamas a couple minutes later.
And of course, by this time, the comfortable sleepiness had taken Awsten to a place of unclouded sleep. Geoff lowered himself into the bed next to his friend, pulled up the covers, draped his arm over Awsten gently as he laid there, nearly laughing to himself about how quickly he’d fallen asleep. “Goodnight, Awsten.”
Maybe he was just talking to the soft, contented breathing that came from this warm feeling of home.
“I love you.”