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The world is full of boxes and lines. Boxes to fit into, lines to draw. You weren’t supposed to step out or cross anything. Sometimes stepping out of a box meant crossing a line, so you’d try your best to step back in, for the sake of those around you.
Kohane never meant to cross anyone’s lines. She stayed on her side and they stayed on theirs and the waters were calm. Unfortunately for her, when she decided to step out of her box, it caused ripples, and the water wasn’t still anymore. If she didn’t tread carefully, she’d cross someone’s line. So she had to find a new box to fit herself into. And when she chose to step out of that one, the cycle repeated.
(How many boxes do you have to make for yourself before your life isn’t yours anymore, now belonging to those around you?)
Joining Vivid Bad Squad was one of the best things Kohane had ever done for herself. Forming the Vivids with An helped her come out of her shell, strip away the walls of the box she’d made for herself. An inspired her to further explore her interests. She never meant for that to lead to her accidentally crossing her partner’s lines.
She’d never blamed An for feeling the way she did, and she never would. Kohane had been the one who’d overstepped her boundaries. She should dial herself back, right? She should. She didn’t want to cross anyone’s lines.
(And like that, another box was made.)
She shouldn’t hold resentment for putting herself into a box again. It was for the best. Besides, she loved watching her friends shine. Who cared if she had to sacrifice a bit? Seeing them smile and be proud of themselves was enough for her.
Lines and boxes, boxes and lines. They were connected. You couldn’t have one without the other, and if you stepped out of one, you risked stepping out of the next.
But Kohane didn’t mind that. She was used to boxes. If she stayed well out of boundaries, then nobody got hurt.
(But what if you get hurt?)
…
That didn’t matter. It didn’t. Really, it made no difference to her. Keep quiet, keep sweet.
(But don’t you love letting yourself grow?)
Not if others get hurt. If she got carried away with the thrill of it, lines got blurred. Friends got uncomfortable. She needed to know where to stop. She needed to know where it was okay to put her box.
“Communication is important!”
Hypocrite.
It was important. She knew that. She encouraged people to open up, to share how they felt. Why couldn’t she take her own advice? Why couldn’t she open up to her friends?
…
That’s right. Because she was afraid. Afraid of overstepping boundaries. Afraid of crossing lines.
Boxes and lines, it always came back to boxes and lines. Maybe life would be easier if she didn’t worry about them so much, but she did. She found them on her mind very often, her worries. Sometimes she wondered if there were people that didn’t constantly worry about boxes and lines, she wondered what life was like for them.
But she couldn’t. She couldn’t forget about them. She didn’t want to be herself if it hurt other people.
She was okay if her dreams ended up out of reach, as long as she still had the chance to help those around her. Perhaps it was a bit morbid, but Kohane was truly happiest when she was others happy. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to fulfil her own selfish desires, but to help those she cared about to fulfil their own pure desires.
That’s why it made her feel so guilty to still want it. To want praise, to want recognition for the progress she’d made. She shouldn’t want it. Be humble, Kohane. Shame on you.
(But it’s only human..)
Then she had to find a way to overcome these human desires. They weighed like rocks on her chest. She didn’t want them. She wanted to stay in her box and never cross any lines, she wanted to leave her box and grow, she didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t know anything. All she knew was that she wanted the people she loved to be happy. She didn’t care what happened to her in that process, because if they were happy, she was happy.
(That doesn’t seem healthy, Kohane.)
… If they were happy, she was happy. She could smile and sing, she could have fun, but she didn’t need to be the one to shine. Sometimes it was nice, of course it was, but she didn’t need it. She shouldn’t want it. She shouldn’t.
She shouldn’t be selfish like that.
Others before yourself, Kohane. That’s what you’ve always learned. That’s what you’ve always strived to achieve, ever since you were little. Put others before yourself, put everyone before yourself.
(Don’t leave yourself in the dust.)
She.. she was willing to make that sacrifice. She didn’t care. She didn’t. She didn’t she didn’t she didn’t she didn’t she didn’t she didn’t
She didn’t, right?
In all honesty.. her boxes seemed suffocating sometimes. She didn’t like those moments, she tried to avoid them as much as possible. They made her feel guilty, because she shouldn’t feel that way. She put herself in them, after all. She was there because of her own volition, so she shouldn’t feel trapped.
Her boxes.. they were good. She felt like she was invading others territory. The boxes prevented that. So she shouldn’t resent them.
Sometimes people noticed her boxes. They’d say something, then.
“You’re so quiet! Why?”
“Ah.. I don’t know..!”
But she did. She did know. She just couldn’t tell them.
Did they not like her box? She’d made it just for them. Just so that she wouldn’t overstep any boundaries, just so that she wouldn’t cross any lines. It was all for them.
She’d just have to find herself a new box, then.