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“You know, he knew you. Your pal. Your buddy. Your Bucky.” Rumlow says to me obviously trying to distract me. It works.
Your bucky. Your bucky. Your bucky. Your bucky. Your bucky.
It repeated over and over again in his mind. Bucky was called mine. He was called mine by someone who watched him get brainwashed over and over again.
“He remembered you.”
Buck remembered…
“I was there. He got all weepy about it.”
He had cried - over me?
“Till they put his brain back in a blender.”
They are the reason he kept forgetting. I started to see red.
~~~
“Rumlow said bucky, and all of a sudden I was a sixteen year old kid again back in brooklyn.”
Saying this out loud was ment to help make Wanda feel better, but it also helped me a little bit. This wasn’t exactly the entire truth but it was indeed part of it. If I had told her all of the things that popped into my head when Rumlow had said Bucky’s name then I would have came out to her and possibly Vision considering he walked in soon after I told her this.
I would have told her so many things but she’s not the one who needs that information.
No one needs to know yet.
~~~
“I know how much Barnes means to you. I really do. Stay home. You’ll only make this worse. For all of us. Please.” Nat says this to me and for a second I believe her. Sadly though she really doesn’t know. Not fully. Maybe a part of it but not all of it.
“You saying you'll arrest me?”
“No. Someone will. If you interfere. That’s how it works now.”
“If he’s this far gone Nat, I should be the one to bring him in.” It’s the truth I am the one who should bring him in. I would never actually arrest him. I couldn’t not after everything I’ve been through with him, but if I have to at least I bring him in in one piece and without hurting him or anyone else.
“Why?” See I know she doesn’t entirely understand how important he is to me. If she did, she wouldn’t have had to ask why I’m doing what I’m doing or why I should be the one to do it.
“Cause I’m the one least likely to die trying.” It’s the truth after everything he wouldn’t kill me. I don’t think he physically could. Not after everything.
~~~
There I stood face to face with him again. In an apartment nonetheless. This was the last place we had been together before he got drafted. In an apartment. He looks good with long hair. It looks really soft. I wish I could hug him. I want to hug him. I miss him. I miss my bucky.
“Do you know me?” I hate that I ask that but I know I have to.
“You’re steve.” The way his voice sounds… Fuck I miss him. I can feel a pang in my chest but I ignore it. “I read about you in a museum.” The way he sounds and the way he is holding himself. I can tell he’s scared. I can also tell he’s not telling me the truth, not fully. I can see through him. I can see it in his eyes.
“I know you’re nervous and you have plenty of reason to be. But you’re lying.”
“I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do that anymore.” Truth. He’s telling me the truth.
“Well the people who think you did are coming here now, and they’re not planning on taking you alive.” I warn him in a slightly rushed tone as Sam keeps updating me on the locations of the people after Buck.
“That’s smart. Good strategy.” Oh bucky. I can tell he is hurting emotionally and physically as well. I want to help him. He doesn’t and never did deserve any of this.
“This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck.”
“It always ends in a fight.” He sounds so sad and so sick of all of this. I can understand that.
“You pulled me from the river. Why?” I have to ask. I need to know. He looks at me with sadness in his eyes. I want to kiss it away but I won’t.
“I don’t know.” He tells me. It’s a lie. I can tell.
“Yes you do.” I tell him before the fight begins. Fighting side by side with him again feels so right. As we are fighting I pull him back.
“Buck stop. You’re gonna kill someone.” I hate that I just said that but I’m scared that he will. He pushes forwards and we fall. He is pinning me to the ground. I'm blushing. We haven’t been in this situation in a long time.
“I’m not gonna kill anyone.” How could I ever doubt him? He punches next to me and grabs a bag from under the floorboard. Fuck he’s beautiful. We continue to fight people down the stairs until one almost falls to their death.
“Come one man.” I say after catching the guy from falling. He gives me a look and I have to try not to smile. I’ve really missed this.
~~~
“How long do you think you can keep your friend safe from me?” God no one knows that he’s not my friend. They can’t know and I know that but what he said already made me mad. I will protect him no matter what. He’s done the same for me for so long now it’s my turn. I don’t care what it takes, I will protect my love.
~~~
I look at Bucky and the state he’s in and I get pissed and worried. I swear if they hurt him I will kill them all. He looks like a hurt puppy. I want to help him so badly. I want to hold him, hug him.
~~~
Hearing Tony talk about pepper made me think about Bucky. I know what it's like to not want to stop but not want to lose the one you love. Hearing him talk about his dad made me think of the same thing. I wish I could hold Bucky. I miss Buck. He’s all I can think about.
Arguing with Tony reminded me of his father. He was an ass but he got things done. I guess that’s where Tony gets it from.
~~~
I connected the dots and when I did I wanted to kill. I started seeing red once again. Bucky was in danger. I had to save him.
I had to fight him again. No. No. Not again. He forgot again. Damn it. They got him again. Shit. Not again. Not again. No. No. No. No. No. I have to knock him out of it. I have to get him to snap out of it. I can’t let him kill again. I can’t lose him again. Not again. I’d do anything for him including going back into the water.
~~~
“Steve.” The way he said my name it sounded almost pleading.
“Which bucky am I talking to?” I had to ask even though I didn’t want to.
“Your mom’s name was sarah. You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” The little chuckle he let out was so cute.
“Can’t read that in a museum.” I chuckle back god I love this man.
“Just like that we are supposed to be cool?” Sam asked, obviously.
“What did I do?” Bucky sounds so scared of himself.
“Enough.”
“Oh god I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words.” He’s so scared of himself I hate it. I hate Hydra for everything they did to him, and everyone else as well, sure.
“Who was he?” I ask and in any other context it would have sounded jealous but this time it was purely protective.
“I don’t know.” Is all he responds with. I hate to pry but I’m going to have to.
“People are dead, the bombing, the setup, the doctor did all that just to get ten minutes with you. I need you to do better than ‘I don’t know’.” God I sould like his mom. I would have laughed at myself if this situation wasn’t so serious.
“He wanted to know about siberia. Where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where.”
“Why would he need to know that?”
“Because I'm not the only winter soldier.” Fuck.
~~~
“Who were they?” I try to pry for more information without making him uncomfortable. He seems to be super willing to give me the information I need though.
“Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in Hydra history and that was before the serum.” Shit.
“They all turn out like you?” Really, Sam? I send him a look, he ignores it. Bucky doesn’t seem to mind the question but I can tell it bugged him.
“Worse.”
“The doctor, could he control them?” I ask with a bit of worry in my tone.
“Enough.” Us using each other’s lines is an ‘us’ thing huh.
“He said he wanted to see an empire fall.”
“With these guys he could do it. They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize. They can take a whole country down in one night, you’d never see them coming.”
“This would have been a lot easier a week ago.” Sam whispers to me. He’s right but either way I’m on Bucky’s side no matter what.
“If we call tony-” I try to say but Sam interrupts me.
“No, he won’t believe us.”
“Even if he did-” I try again and get INTERRUPTED again.
“Who knows if the Accords would let him help?”
“We’re on our own.”
“Maybe not. I know a guy.” Of course he does.
~~~
“What’s gonna happen to your friends?” Bucky asks with a sad and worried tone. I want to hold him but I have to fly this plane.
“Whatever it is, I’ll deal with it.” I say in a reassuring yet sturn tone.
“I don’t know if I’m worth all this steve.” He’s starting to sound like me when we were back in Brooklyn and someone would pick on me and then Buck would get into fights with them to get them to leave me alone. I hate that someone made him feel like this.
“What you did all those years, it wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.” I remind him.
“I know but I did it.” He sounds so disappointed in himself. I hate that.
~~~
Watching Tony witness his mom and dad’s deaths was heartbreaking but I had to protect Bucky. I know he couldn’t control himself then. I know that I just have to make Tony see it. I have to protect Bucky. Maybe Tony will understand at some point but until then I have to protect Bucky. I can’t let Tony kill him. I know he wants to and I get why but I can’t let it happen. He hurt him badly. He hurt him really really badly. He was going to kill him. He was going to kill him, I can’t let that happen. I can’t. I can’t. I have to keep him safe. I have to protect him. He almost killed him. All I saw was red. I kept hitting Tony over and over again. Then he striked back.
“He’s my friend.”
“So was I.”
Tony doesn’t get it. Bucky is my friend who I would willingly marry at any moment. I would kiss him if he asked me to. I would kill almost anyone for him. I love Bucky more than anything in this world. I would do anything for him. I can’t watch Tony or anyone hurt him. After Tony was out of the fight I dropped my shield Bucky at my side and walked away. I love him. I love this man. Fuck I don’t think I will ever not love him.
~~~
This is how we ended up in Wakanda and how they helped fix his arm and how we had time to ourselves. Not a lot of time but enough. Enough to just hug one another for a good ten minutes and then talk for hours. It’s good to have my… my best friend, back. I know he can’t be more than that. I know he will never be more than that but I can’t help but hope.