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Chapter Text

"Alright, guys! Now, I want a good showing for today's convention!" The convention manager shouted out to all of the vendors and guests at the Ohio Ultimate Games Fest. "These people paid good money to get in here, especially with you-know-who agreeing to appear!"

"And what's THAT guy have that I don't?" Marty Marcus, otherwise known as Totally Awesome Sega Guy on YouTube, shouted back. "About 2 or 3 thousand more subscribers." Jane Lacy, otherwise known as LacyArts, replied from her vendor table. Marty fumed at the jab, but the manager intervened before that conversation went any further. "That's enough, you two! The center opens to the public in about 2 hours, so any final preparations need to be completed as soon as possible!" Jane nodded as she continued getting her various crafts together to sell. However, while nobody was looking, Marty decided to sneak off into the shadows.

A few minutes later, a mighty roar was heard as a huge, furred creature leapt down from the beams above and scooped the manager up in its arms. "VIRGIN!" It bellowed. "HOW DOES IT KNOW!?" The manager screamed as everyone began running out of the convention center in terror.

30 minutes later, a groovy group of kids drove down the road in their van, labeled as "the Mystery Machine." This group, or "Mystery Inc," as they preferred to be known, had solved all sorts of mysteries down in their local hangout of Coolsville, but today, they were just simple tourists to the Ohio Ultimate Games Fest.

"Gee, Daph, it sure was nice of your uncle to get us those tickets!" Fred, the lovable, ascot-wearing leader of the gang said. "Oh, after we solved that ghost problem in his summer home last year, it was the LEAST he could do!" Daphne, the girly fashionista of the group replied. "Yes...Though it's still sad he couldn't ACTUALLY be reunited with his beloved Melissa." Velma, the brains of the group added as she polished her glasses with a small cloth. "The way he talked about her..."

"Ah, I wouldn't worry about it too much, Velma." Shaggy, the impossibly skinny black hole of a food vacuum, said from the back as he put together a Super Shaggy sandwich. "Guy can afford to eat away the pain. That's what me and Scoob did with those alien chicks a while back! Right, old buddy?"

"REAH! Ron't reven rhink rabout 'rem anymore!" Scooby Doo, the equally large-stomached dog of the gang, confirmed as he stole Shaggy's sandwich. Shaggy just crossed his arms and shook his head in response, "Like, buddy, if you keep eatin' like that, you're gonna see the BAD side of humane euthanasia!"

"Ruh?" Scooby asked, confused. as the rest of the gang laughed. "Hey gang! Look up ahead! That's the convention center!" Fred said, pointing to the large building ahead. Shaggy got up and pointed with him. "Then like, put the pedal to the metal, man! Scoob and I don't want to miss our favorite guest star!"

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Some minutes later, the gang had parked the Mystery Machine and were making their way to the entrance of the convention center hosting the Ohio Ultimate Games Fest. "Gee, sure is a large crowd out today!" Shaggy said, noting the large crowd outside of the center. "Seems a bit weird that they'd all be standing out in this heat. Aren't any of the girls worried about their make-up running?" Daphne wondered aloud. Velma just shook her head. "Typical Daphne. Creeper could be on the loose again, and she'd still be worried about cracking a nail."

"Let's see if this guy knows anything." Fred said before tapping on the shoulder of a portly security guard. The man turned and squinted hard at Fred. "Uh, yeah? What do you want?"

"Hey, we were just wondering what the delay was. The Games Fest should be open by now." Fred told him. The guard just shook his head. "Sorry buddy, the Ohio Virgin Eater has struck. We can't risk anybody going in there."

"Rhe Rohio Rirgin Reater!?" Scooby repeated, jumping into Shaggy's arms as the duo began trembling. "What's the Ohio Virgin Eater?" Velma queried. The guard removed his hat and shook his head, hanging it mournfully as he began to tell the tale. "The Ohio Virgin Eater is a tale as old as Ohio itself, if not a bit older. It was originally said to be a hairy creature that hunted exclusively women who hadn't been impregnated by the ripe age of 18, but as sexism became less socially acceptable, it began hunting men who hadn't spread their seed into a woman of their choice."

"What about gay men and lesbians?" Velma asked. "What about 'em?" The guard asked, confused. Velma decided to drop it and get back to the subject at hand. "So, you're saying this creature attacked the convention center?"

"That's the long and short of it. It got our convention manager, and some of our vendors and guest stars, like little Josh Lacy's sister." The guard said, motioning to a young, slender man standing near him. Josh, for his part, was somewhat calm, if nervous as he introduced himself. "I was just getting some extra materials for my sister when the creature attacked...I hope she's okay!"

"Well, I don't know about this 'Virgin Eater' stuff, but we can't just let those people stay in its clutches any longer! Come on, gang! We've got a mystery on our hands!" Fred said, triumphantly strutting forward to lead the gang inside.

"Now wait just a MINUTE!" The security guard shouted, stopping the gang in their tracks. "As the convention's security guard, I can't just let a bunch of kids like you waltz in there to get killed!"

"He's right! It could be d-d-dangerous!" Josh piped in, sweating bullets at the idea. Velma, however, just kept her cool as she replied. "We'll do it for free."

"Oh! Well, you should've STARTED with that!" The guard exclaimed cheerily. "I'll just get four super passes drafted up so you guys don't have anything stopping 'ya from investigating!"

"Like, don't you mean FIVE passes?" Shaggy asked, doing a finger count. The guard squinted at the gang once again, before sheepishly shrugging. "Sorry about that. I have a medical condition that makes it hard to see virgins." As the guard walked away to get the passes, Daphne couldn't help but think aloud. "That's strange. I wonder which one of us is a virgin?"

The heart rate of one member of the gang slightly rose in response to her query.

Chapter Text

The gang walked slowly through the dark and abandoned convention center, carefully investigating the leftovers of the hairy beast's rampage. Custom prints had been torn to shreds or crumpled underfoot, vendor tables had been turned over and tossed in various ways. However, the kitchen had remained untouched during this ordeal, so Shaggy and Scooby had elected to check it out while the other three took a closer look at things.

"Man, whatever went through here had all of the grace of a bull in a china shop!" Fred observed. Daphne scoffed in response, feeling dust on a nearby surface. "I doubt it was all THAT neat to begin with, Fred. This dust is at LEAST a week or two old!"

"You can carbon-date dust, Daphne?" Velma asked. "Well, yeah! My parents' butler HAS been sick before!" Daphne retorted, before spotting a small tuft of green hair hanging on a table. "But THIS hasn't been here for TOO long."

"Excellent work, Daphne! This has GOT to be from the Virgin Eater!" Fred exclaimed as he put the tuft of fur into a small baggie Velma carried in her purse(partially for mysteries, partially for when Shaggy wanted to pack sandwiches during a trip). He held the sample up to what little light was in the room to observe it. "Hmm...What do you think, Velma? Could be fake?"

"COULD be...But we don't have enough evidence one way or the other..." But before Velma could finish her thought, a shuffling could be heard nearby. Sneaking up on it, Fred used his old high school football tackle on a thin figure trying to get away. "DUDE! PLEASE...YOU'RE VERY HEAVY!"

"Tell us who you are, and why you're sneaking around!"

"Pfft, isn't the first part obvious? I'm Marty Marcus!" The man said. The three just had a completely oblivious look on their face. "You know? Totally Awesome Sega Guy on YouTube?" He tried again. Still nothing. "Yeah, that figures. I'm a guest at the convention, and I was sneaking around because of that monster running around."

"Oh really? And why didn't you clear out when it attacked, like everybody else did?" Velma questioned. "I was in the bathroom when that thing pounced on this place! I didn't DARE come out until a few minutes ago!" None of the three were completely convinced of his story, but Velma motioned for Fred to let him up anyway. Dusting himself off, Marty immediately started whining. "Yeesh. You guys sure know how to make a first impression." But before any of the gang could retort, a scream came from down the hallway. "That sounded like Shaggy!"

Down the hall, Shaggy and Scooby had effectively wiped out the food budget for the convention in just a few minutes of work. None of it had been the GREATEST of convention food, but the variety was there, at least. However, as they sat ready to go into their typical food coma, Scooby's nose got a-going in that typical manner. "Like, what is it, pal?"

"Ri ron't row." Scooby said, as he got up groggily and began following the trail. Within a minute, he had the source, which made Shaggy scream.

"Shaggy! Scooby! What's wrong?" Fred asked, concerned as he, Daphne, Velma, and Marty ran up to where the two were. Scooby stammered, lost for words at the sight before him, but Shaggy got the courage to speak up. "Like, holy SHIT! It's Scott the Woz!" 

Chapter Text

"Hey all! Scott here!" The brown-haired man in glasses said, waving his right hand while clutching a black tablet in his left.

"Scott the what-now?" Fred asked, confused. "Oh, you know, only, like, the GREATEST video game YouTuber of all time!" Shaggy responded. Marty seemed angered by that description, but Shaggy didn't notice. "Like, dude! Scoob and I have seen ALL of your videos!"

"You sad bastards." Scott muttered, barely looking up from his gamepad. "Oh great, it's HIM." Marty huffed. The gang all looked at him, puzzled. "Oh, you REALLY don't know? Back in 2017, I was the one set to become the greatest virgin gamer on the platform...Before HE came along, with his, 'Hey alls,' and murder mystery sketches involving Wendy's employees-"

"Those were SKETCHES!?" Scott exclaimed in shock. "Pfft. And now, HERE he is, the STAR attraction for this convention! My life would be so much better right now if HE didn't exist!" 

"Oh, so I'm guessing it would be VERY convenient if some monster swooped in and took him out, eh?" Daphne said, a tone of accusation in her voice. "Hey, I was in the BATHROOM when that thing struck! Don't try pinning this on me! Why don't you ask HIM why HE'S still here?"

"That is a fair question." Velma relented. "Mr. The Woz-"

"Please, call me Scott. 'Mr. The Woz' has some bad history behind it."

"Right, Scott. This place was attacked by a monster called the Ohio Virgin Eater, so...How did you manage to avoid it?"

"Well, let's see...The moment I got here, I was kind of busy setting up a massive line of extension cords..." Scott said, motioning to a long series of extension cords stretching out for miles down the halls, and leading directly up Scott's pant leg. "Uh, I like to keep a Wii U in my pants at all times in case I get bored. Anyway, I guess I just missed all of the ruckus while playing some old Wii games."

"Okay, that explains why YOU didn't notice the monster, but why did the Virgin Eater not notice YOU?" Velma asked, exasperated.

"Could be the 50 copies of Donkey Kong Barrel Blast I keep on my person at all times. Might've thrown it off my scent."

"Like, where are you keeping these copies, man?" Shaggy asked.

"By the Wii U." Scott answered, shifting uncomfortably.

But before they could continue their interrogation of Scott, a mighty roar sounded above them in the rafters. "Like, it's the Ohio Virgin Eater!"

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"F*CK F*CK SH*T SH*T F*CK!" Scott exclaimed as the monster began chasing them. Velma, Fred, Daphne, and Marty ran to the left, while Shaggy, Scooby, and Scott all ran to the right, with the monster right behind them.

The three ran through the kitchen, and into the food court of the convention center. The monster followed and was quickly confused by the lack of the three in the area.

"Oh, bonjour! We've like, been waiting for your, uh, how do you say? Arrival!" A suited man with a scraggly chin beard and a really bad French accent said, greeting the monster with a hand on its shoulder before sitting it down at a nearby table. Another waiter, very hairy for his occupation, tied a giant napkin around the monster's neck. "Now, do excuse the, how do you say? Eh, service? Our chef is being a, eh...Slowpoke?"

"Well, excuse'a me!" The chef, a brown-haired man in glasses and a fake mustache shouted from the kitchen in a rough Italian accent. "I did not'a realize that the French standard for excellence was'a SUB-standard!"

"Ah, putain, Le plus cher mari, not THIS again!" the French man muttered in frustration as he approached the counter. "It'sa always a'like this, il mio sole, the customer a'come, you go 'rush rush rush,' but my'a quality ALWAYS a'suffer! You want to serve good spaghetti, yeah?"

"It does not, how do you say? MATTER, if it's GOOD, it must fill their belly in a reasonable amount of time!"

"Very well then! Here'sa the FOOD! Nice and fresh!" The Italian yelled as he slammed the boiling pot of spaghetti on the counter, tears welling in his eyes. "Voglio il divorzio!"

"NO!" The French man cried out as the Italian stormed off. The hairy waiter soon walked over to comfort their friend as he wept on the counter. "My friend, would you serve this to the customer? I must, how do you say? Eh, compose myself." The hairy waiter nodded and picked up the pot of spaghetti as their coworker walked away in tears. "Rorry ror rhe rait." He said, before dumping the boiling hot pot of noodles and water on the monster and running away to join his friends.

"I think we lost it." Fred said from across the hall. "It probably went after Scooby, Shaggy, and Scott." Velma said, panting hard on her knees. "One of them must be the gang's virgin, if it can't detect Scott."

"Eh, sure. Maybe...Let's just hope it doesn't detect Marty."

"Wait, what?" Marty asked, confused. "You know, since you're a virgin and all..." Fred stammered out before Marty caught his drift. "OH! Oh, I see where you're getting mixed up. Well, you see, I WAS a virgin until a few years ago when I had a hook-up at this very convention."

"YOU got a woman to sleep with you? I find that hard to believe." Daphne commented. "It's true! She attends this convention every year! Her name is-"

Chapter Text

Scooby, Scott, and Shaggy wandered down the hall as Scott played a Virtual Console game on his Wii U gamepad, making their way back to the rest of the gang. "You know, I never saw the appeal of Little Ninja Brothers before, but it's kinda clicking with me now."

"Like, I'll take your word on that one, man." Shaggy replied. "I'm just gonna keep an eye out for that monster...Or like, a vending machine?"

"Reah! Rending Rachine! Ree-hee-hee-hee!" Scooby exclaimed, licking his chops. "You know, I've seen my own fair share of monsters...Mainly ones I'VE created by flushing them down the toilet, but you guys are taking all of this in stride. Doesn't it get to you?" Scott asked, briefly pausing his game. "Scott my man, this is practically our day job! Well, 'job' implies we get paid, and 'day' doesn't work since we do most of it at night...So it's more like a weird and terrifying hobby that we get roped into." Shaggy mused. Scott nodded, deep in thought. "Like crack."

"Eh, sure." Shaggy replied, somewhat thrown off. "But I guess the Scooby snack at the end of the day makes it all worth it!"

"Reaking rof Scooby Snacks..." Scooby piped in, pointing to a nearby vending machine. Shaggy rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Boy oh boy! Jackpot!" He turned to Scott. "Like, you got a dollar?"

"I'm a YouTuber."

"Fair enough." Shaggy said, rustling through his pockets as he approached the machine.

"Uh, Shaggy?" Scott said after a moment.

"Like, hang on man, I think I can finesse this."

"Shaggy?"

"Man, I know you're hungry, but have some patience!"

"SHAGGY!"

Frustrated, the green shirted Manwich Muncher finally looked to see the Ohio Virgin Eater looming tall behind Scott, dark and imposing. It snatched the gamepad out of the gamer's hands and snapped it over its knee, roaring loudly afterwards. "NOOO! I ONLY HAVE LIKE, 15 MORE OF THOSE AT HOME!" Scott cried out in anguish.

"Like, forget the Wii U, man! Let's get outta here!" Shaggy yelled as the three zoomed away down the hall.

"Look! There's Shaggy, Scott, and Scooby!" Daphne cried out. "Guys, slow down! You're gonna-"

But before Velma could finish her sentence, the three collided into her, leaving them all in a pile. "Like, sorry, Velma. We were on the run from that monster!"

"It's okay, Shaggy. Just...Help me find my glasses, okay?" Velma said as she felt around the floor. Scott soon handed them to her. "Here you go!"

"Jinkies! Thanks Scott! But...How did YOU manage to keep your glasses on?" 

"I didn't. I just put on the first pair I found and gave you the other pair." Scott explained as he helped her to her feet. "How did you know you grabbed the right pair, though?" Velma asked.

"Eh, it's been a good decade since I updated my prescription, so both pairs look about the same to me." Scott explained, squinting hard.

"Well, it's a good thing you found us when you did. Marty here just told us something that I think is the key to solving this mystery!" Fred said, jovially. "But first, we gotta catch that thing!"

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"Like, how do we always get wrangled into this duty, Scoob?" Shaggy whined as he and his trusted pooch wandered the convention hall looking for the monster. "Ri ron't row." Scooby replied, sniffing the ground carefully. 

"Hey, at least you've got ANOTHER skinny white dude with a questionable relationship to dog treats on your side this time!" Scott said, cheerily munching on some Scooby snacks behind them. Most would scoff to see a man enjoying such things so eagerly, but Scooby snacks were a step above the Dollar Store dog treats Scott occasionally treated himself to, so he felt no shame.

Besides, he was a YouTuber. He'd waved dignity good-bye a long time ago.

"VIRGIN!" A growly voice from above roared as a green mass of hair landed behind the three.  "**** ** ****** ****** ******* *******, ***! **** **!" Scott exclaimed, so shocked that his censors couldn't keep track of which words to bleep out.

"Alright, gang! When Shaggy, Scooby, and Scott all run past us, we're gonna tighten THIS rope on the floor here..." Fred explained, motioning to the tripwire laid loosely on the floor in front of them. "...Which will cause the monster to fall right into the net, which the crane will lift when I hit the button on the remote."

"Seems...Oddly simple." Marty observed. "It is, but Fred didn't have time to set up a more elaborate trap with the convention materials." Velma replied. Fred looked dejected at the reminder, but accepted that the plan must go on. "Here they come!"

Screaming down the hall came Shaggy, Scooby, and Scott, with the Ohio Virgin Eater right on their metaphorical and literal tails. Shaggy and Scooby cleared the net on the floor easily, but Scott suddenly tripped as it felt like a rope went taut at his ass. Wait...Not a rope...An extension cord! He'd finally run out!

"MY LOVE OF THE WII U BETRAYS ME YET AGAIN!" Scott cried out in despair, the green furred monster looming above him for the kill.

"Like, Scott! Hang on, man!" Shaggy yelled as he and Scooby ran back for their favorite gaming YouTuber. However, they had accidentally bumped Fred on their way past, leading to him pushing the button on the remote as he dropped it. Before they got far, man and dog alike were scooped up in the net, incapacitated. "Oops!" Fred said, quickly scooping up the remote and pushing the button to no effect. "Crap! It must've broken when I dropped it!"

"HELP!" Scott cried out again. Marty Marcus quickly slid towards Scott and undid the nearest link in the chain of extension cords, freeing Scott to join the group, though Marty wasn't so fortunate. "MARTY!" Scott yelled.

"It's too late for me, Scott! YouTube needs you more!" Marty shouted back as the Ohio Virgin Eater dragged him back by his leg...Before a distinctive clang rang out, and the monster fell to the ground, unconscious.

The gang all looked up to see...Another Ohio Virgin Eater? Wielding a metal folding chair?

The second monster soon removed his mask, revealing...

"REX MOHS!?"

"I...I thought his head was a beer." He said, sheepishly.

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Later, the gang had gathered the police and crowd in, and contained the real monster in some ropes. Scott stood alongside Rex. "So, you managed to land a security gig at this convention?"

"Yeah, but I got here kinda late. Saw this hairy guy walking around, and figured he was another guard." Rex explained. "I get it! You must've found that extra costume and thought it was a guard uniform!" Velma deduced. Rex nodded. "And I really need to apologize about that Wii U gamepad, Scott. I REALLY thought it was a beer."

"Eh, it's alright. I've got like, 15 more of those at home." Scott replied, shaking with rage within, before quelling it as he addressed Marty. "By the way, thanks for saving my life back there."

"Eh, it was nothing." Marty said with a shrug. "No, I really mean it. If you want to do a collab or something in the future, just hit me up!" Scott continued, extending his hand for a shake. Marty accepted it. "Sure, man...Wait, why is your hand wet?"

"I...Had to take care of some business in the toilets." Scott said, as a nearby game vendor for the convention wondered where all of his copies of Chibi Robo: Zip Lash had gotten off to.

"And now, to solve this mystery!" Velma announced, as she pulled off the Ohio Virgin Eater's mask to reveal...

"Jane Lacy, otherwise known as LacyArts!?" Everyone exclaimed in shock. "EXACTLY! But she didn't work alone, DID she, JOSH?" Velma continued, pointing the finger at Jane's little brother, who tried to run away before his arm was grabbed by the local security guard. "Now now, Miss Dinkley, let's get the facts out there before we start pointing fingers."

"Right you are, sir!" Velma replied, pulling out the evidence baggie with the fur sample they had gathered earlier. "This piece of fake fur from the Virgin Eater costume was nearly indistinguishable from real fur, something that could only happen with a VERY skilled craftsman...Or Crafts-WOMAN, as it were?"

"However, there are a lot of crafts people who could've done that, so I couldn't get anybody locked in until our dear friend Marty Marcus revealed that he'd lost his virginity to Jane at another convention a few years ago!"

"Really, Marty? That was ONE time!" Jane said. Marty shurgged. "So with that evidence, you determined that she wasn't a virgin, so why would the Ohio Virgin Eater take her?" The security guard said. Velma nodded. "It's also why she made a spare costume for her accomplice to kidnap her in. To throw people off!"

"But why do this at all? And what does Josh have to do with it?"

"Josh had EVERYTHING to do with it! Another thing Marty told us is that back in 2017, Josh ALSO tried to change YouTube gaming content as JoshAttax, but Scott beat him to the punch! That naturally bred some jealousy, so he asked his more successful sister, Jane, to help him get revenge when the time came, AKA, THIS VERY CONVENTION!" Velma finished. Josh got visibly angry as his scheme was laid bare. "That's right! I deserved those subs! That success! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME! It WOULD have been me! Until HE showed up!"

"Geez, SOMEONE'S a sore loser!" Scott said. Josh tried to attack him for that, but the security guard held him back. "And we would've gotten away with it, too! If it weren't for those meddling kids and that stupid VIRGIN!"

"HEY!" Scott and Fred shouted in unison.

"Well, gang! That's another mystery wrapped up!" Daphne said, before the growling of the Ohio Virgin eater could be heard from behind them. "Like, look out, man! It's the Virgin Eater!" Shaggy yelled, as the face became visible.

"I don't know about that..." Velma observed, pointing to the brown haired, four-legged body the monster now sported. Scooby popped the mask off and laughed at his own prank.

"SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO!"