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I stormed into my room, slamming the door shut on everyone and everything. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. For what I'd done, I didn't think I deserved forgiveness or understanding. Sometimes all it takes is a look from your past to remind you that you're nothing but a monster wearing a mask.
It had been the day of open house before my first semester of college. I saw a few old faces, a few friends, and a world of new opportunities. The excitement was immeasurable. I had begged to come see the campus, and actually being here made everything feel real. It filled me with more hope for the future. That is, until I saw her.
Dad didn't ask too many questions when I told him to drop me home, but I appreciated that. A mostly quiet drive while I watched the beach zip by, like the years gone by while I watch from the audience. Once we got home, I soon found myself curled against the edge of my bed, trying to pull it together.
"Socks? What's going on? Talk to me sis."
"Please Muffin, I just need some space, okay? I'm scared. I don't want to hurt anyone." I choked the words out, trying to mute my sobs using my bed. My claws were out.
"Hurt? Why would you be worried about that again? It's been years since... Oh." Realization finally struck my sister upside the noggin. "Did you have another episode?"
"Yes! Now would you please just leave me alone?" The sound of stitches tearing pulled me out of my outburst. That was my favorite blanket. It felt like I was ripping my own heart to pieces.
"Alright. Sorry sis... Let me know if you need anything."
Her footsteps trailed away from my room somberly. I had gotten what I wanted, only to realize it wasn't what I wanted at all. I felt the burning urge to lunge through my door and give my sister the biggest hug. But unbeknownst to her, the gentle closing of her bedroom door shut out that idea entirely.
This was all on me. Whenever I was in a dark place, I alwaya felt I had to find my own light. I knew what I needed most of all. Whenever I felt scared I had always looked inward to find the strength to deal with it. It was unconscious at first, but after enough time I learned to control it. Here I was once again, terrified. Not of my surroundings, but... myself.
The tears had stopped hitting the floor and I realized I was just dry sobbing now. There was nothing left to give. I took the opportunity to try composing myself enough to meditate. I wiped my eyes against my fur, and noticed that it was standing on end. I just wanted to disappear.
After closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I crossed my legs and sat as peacefully as I could. Focusing on my breathing. After a cough and a few more pitiful sniffles, I was finally able to focus my thoughts. Focus on what I was feeling. The chill of the darkness grew more pervasive until I could feel myself starting to shiver.
When cool winter wind buffetted against my ears and fur, I knew I'd made it. Not the coziest reception I could offer myself, but I took it in stride. My eyes opened slowly opened, and I was greeted by the cozy glow of the Christmas reindeer I was so fond of. The sight of them was disarming to say the least. But they weren't who I was here to see.
"You're back? No way!"
I screamed in surprise as the voice echoed through the void, with no evidence of its origin. I looked around myself, listening to the tip taps of paws approaching me from every direction.
"Yeah, I need your help. Where are you?"
"Better question is where are you? It's been ages mate."
"Well... I'm off to college. It hasn't even started and I'm not doing great."
"I'll say, you've been crying a lot. Have you checked a mirror lately?"
"I can't stand to look at one right now... I just-"
As I looked down despondently, my eyes met the puddle of tears I'd made containing the younger version of myself staring back at me. She was the piece I thought I'd have no further need for. She stared at me with her big, cherubic eyes, as she drew along the surface of the puddle with her finger. I felt the wetness around my eyes erased as she rubbed in circles.
"There, all done."
Before I could ask what, a brilliant, blinding light overtook me and filled the void that surrounded us. It was unthinkable to believe such a light could still exist within me.
"Open your eyes mate, it's not gonna kill you."
"It just might!" I shielded my eyes from the overwhelming sun, and peeked to see a vast field of flowers, extending endlessly, leaving me alone with the reindeers at its center. A wave of awe swept me away, and for an instant, I forgot what I was ever sad about. My thoughts weren't black and barren anymore, but blossoming with unmatched joy. I was surprised it not only survived after all this time, but could thrive like this.
"This is beautiful..."
"Yeah, I've been practicing. You were gone a really long time. What happened to you?" My young facsimile stood before me, giving my features a curious once-over.
"I don't know... I tried to hold on, I wanted to hold it all together, for myself and Muffin, but... life happened."
"Do we need to kick life's butt too?"
"What?! No! I don't... we don't do that anymore. Hurting is not the answer, and what's more is- What are you doing?"
"You smell funny," she giggled at me, "are you wearing perfume?"
"And? What's it to you?" I couldn't tell if the warmth of my face was from the sunlight or the embarrassment.
"Well I'm just curious. I could've guessed you came here because of boy trouble or something. It would make sense wouldn't it."
"No! That's not why I'm here."
"What's the hold up then? Out with it girl!"
"Okay, okay! I just... had a run in with an old face. And I didn't take it so well."
"Who?"
"You know... the wrestler?"
She fell out laughing, kicking her legs out and clutching her stomach.
"You mean the bitch?!"
"Language, kiddo!"
"We're the same age!" She kept on. "I remember when we flipped her like a sausage on the barbie! If she's giving you trouble, I reckon it's nothing another good turning can't fix."
"Listen! I saw her again today. I don't think she saw me, but still... the past hit me like a truck."
"And you came here looking for a pick-me-up?" She wiped a tear from her eye.
"I suppose I just need help dealing with the past."
"You want my help? Dealing with the past? With how much you thought I messed up the future?" She looked perturbed at the fact that I'd even ask.
"We messed up, okay? The same way we always fixed things. Together."
"But you've been gone for years," she said solemnly, "I thought I was only holding you back. Don't you think you're better off without me?"
I had to kneel down to put a hand on her shoulder, finding some comfort in the fact that I could feel it on my own shoulder too.
"I wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't be me at all without you. Don't you see? Even after all this time, there is no 'without you.' I lost sight of that, and I guess I reached a breaking point."
"Well even still, I don't know what you'd want me now for after all this time. I'm not so good with emotions either if you haven't noticed."
"It may be the fact that last time I dealt with these feelings, I had you by my side. Maybe I just don't want to feel alone with them, and you're the only thing that made sense of it all. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. There's a lot I don't know and it scares me."
"Are you scared of her?"
Perhaps I was, nonetheless there was one thing that terrified me more.
"I think she might be afraid of me."
"Would you be surprised?" She lifted my arm to inspect the hairs standing on end. I quickly pulled it away on instinct.
"Well no... But I don't want people to be afraid of me. Like I could still lose control at the drop of a hat."
"Well have you tried opening up?"
"Yes, I've been attending therapy once in a while and it's been-"
She clasped my face between her paws.
"I'm not talking about therapy! I'm talking about her!"
"Wut? I fought you wanned me to fwip her like a sasig?"
"What I want to do is what's best for you. I don't alwats know exactly what that means, but I do know it's sometimes the exact opposite of what I want to do. Which might be flipping her like a sausage. Anyway, we were more like her than we realized you know. Maybe she's going through some of the same emotions after seeing you. And besides, you have the chance to say you're sorry. What else could you do that's better? Ignore her instead?"
"I..."
"Mate... There's more ways to hurt people than flipping them like a sausage."
Given our relationship, I figured it was understandable that my mind jumped to the most punishing wrestling moves known to mankind.
"Not like that you loon."
"I know I know, just messing with you. Squirt."
"We're the same age!"
I shook my head and looked to the sky, The sun's light soothed much more than it stung. I felt a renewed spirit burning gently within me, guarded from any possible turbulence by an extra pair of hands.
"What's up? Are you ready to go now?"
She was lying down in the grass, watched over by the decorative reindeer, as the flowers along the field swayed with a gradual breeze.
"I think so... I'm sorry it's been such a long time. I understand if you're upset with me."
"I've been upset with myself lots over the years. But even still, you never gave up on me. That's why I'm still here."
I pulled her into a cathartic hug, as teardrops pooled along my eyelids. Our tails swished softly together. Perhaps that was what I needed more than anything, but I wasn't ready to accept it until then.
"Thank you. And don't ever forget: I love you no matter what."
"I love me too." She replied, as the sunlight devoured the landscape with a resounding warmth and radiance.
When I came to, I was welcomed by the afternoon sun shining through my window, striking my eyes as they opened. Shielding them, I sat up and noticed that my mouth was quite dry and my stomach was grumbling. I figured now was a better time than any to grab a bite. I could tackle my woes tomorrow.
Upon leaving my room, I saw my sister in front of the door to my room, sitting against the wall half-asleep with her arms folded. She looked up at me groggily. Before she could say a word, I pulled her into a hug.
"Socks? You okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be right. Just had to get ahold of myself is all. Thanks sis."