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In one moment, she was the happiest person alive on earth.
She was the pride of her family, the pride of Eteri, the pride of the whole Russia.
And just minutes later, she was the laughing stock of the world.
---
It was too much. It was all too much.
So she screamed, she yelled. Said things she would never say to the people she would never object. She baulked away from everyone, did not let anyone touch her. And she ran away as soon as they let her.
In the place where there was no cameras Eteri Georgievna shushed her, told her to not be a baby, but how could she not? She did everything she told her to. She did absolutely everything. And it, somehow, wasn’t enough. But how? How could it not be enough? She did everything.
She did not understand.
---
After the medal ceremony, she closed herself in the bathroom and waited for hours. Tried to be quiet, sat on the toilet with her knees up and cried. Before her eyes she saw all of the years of her work. Years of her struggling, fighting for attention of her coaches. Then fighting to keep it – so she wouldn’t end up like Yulia did, all those years ago. So she wouldn’t end up like her hero, Evgenia. Like Aliona.
All those years. All those years for nothing. She lost.
But how, howhowhow-
She threw up. Then again.
---
After all those hours she found herself on the tribunes, just a few feet before the ice. She stared at it.
The ice. God, the ice. No, she would never put her foot on it again. She wouldn’t dare.
It was the end. She would retire and finally focus on her college and not only do the bare minimum that let her stay there. She would just create a new life for herself.
(But was it possible? She was skating since she was three years old. It was literally the only thing she knew how to do.)
(And she couldn’t even be the best at that.)
The medal was somewhere – she wasn’t sure where. She didn’t care. Her backpack was probably in the locker room. Her phone maybe too. Her all things were probably there.
She didn’t care.
There were some people walking around, all silent, some of them laughing, maybe at her. Some of them were throwing her looks, but no one came up to her. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they pitied her. It was not important.
How could she lose?
She was alone now, Daniil probably with Kamila, and Eteri with her. With her new favourite girl. Or maybe it was the other way round – Daniil always had a weird soft spot for Anna that she never understood, and Eteri seemed positively obsessed with Kamila for the last few months. Well, she wouldn’t be obsessed anymore, she thought.
She couldn’t bear to think about them. Both of them. Of Kamila and her laughs and tired eyes and of Anna and her soft smiles and encouraging words.
Her father was right. She should have never make friends it the sports, she should have never let her guard down, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to think about that girl now, the girl who stole her dream.
But it was Anna. How could she not think of her? Even before… before they found themselves in Beijing, she thought of her regularly.
It was Anya. Her best friend.
Where is she now, she wondered. Where is she, with her golden medal and all the fans of the world, and flawless posture, and timid behaviour, and big brown eyes? She, Kamila and her were friends. And now it was all gone, probably. How could she look at Anna? How could she talk to Kamila after what happened?
She felt stinging in her eyes again. Hours ago she was sure she cried her last tears – she did not drink a lot lately, and especially in the last week. But they were coming and coming, and her eyes were burning again because of her eyeliner and mascara and-
And she was so tired. How did that happen?
“Fuck,” she heard someone say in Russian. She looked to her right, half thinking it was Anna. But of course it was not. And maybe for the better.
(When they were on the podium. When Anna jumped with happiness, with her gold medal, her whole heart broke. She heard Anna calling her name, then, but could not look at her. It was hard enough to stand beside her, on the place she should’ve been standing since the beginning.
They were supposed to take a photo, just the both of them, with their prizes and medals and smiles on their faces hidden by masks. Such photo did not exist.)
It was Evgenia, not Anna. Her makeup was intact, but her eyes were kind of red, and she was definitely running a lot because she was breathing loudly.
Sasha looked down on her hands. They were shaking. She was shaking. And the tears were just going and going and she did not have the strength to wipe them. She clenched her fists, but they were still shaking, and so hard they were basically all over her lap and God-
“You cannot just fucking disappear, Sasha!” Evgenia wasn’t screaming but she was definitely mad, and Sasha tried to take a trembling breath. But she couldn’t breathe through that mask, it was too damp with tears. She shrugged, not feeling like talking, sure that if she just said one word, her voice would break and so would she.
She was okay with sitting there, alone, with her thoughts. Looking at the ice that was her whole life, but no more after that day.
But she looked at Zhenya, at her role model, the person that was motivating her to do better, be better (and for what?), at her friend. She was always friends with Zhenya. It was hard to not be.
But her dark eyes were anything but calm now – a bit of raged and a bit of worried. In her hands there was a backpack, and a phone. Hers.
“Sasha…”
She took her phone from her hands, saw 84 missed calls and 162 messages. She turned it off.
“Oh, Sashenka…” and that did it. Only her mother called her that, when she was smaller, and Eteri, when the cameras were on them. But her mother was in Russia and cameras were packed and-
Sasha took another staggering breath, as if she had to fight for every ounce of oxygen, and she wailed. She cried and cried and cried. Evgenia hugged her, and they sat there for… whatever long it was. Her hands hurt from hard grabbing onto her friend, and she was pretty sure Zhenya was hurting too because of her, but she was just too good to say something.
She cried until she was too tired to do that, hugging Evgenia as if she was her last saviour.
---
She was right. She couldn’t look at her. She couldn’t look at Anna. It hurt too much.
She slept in Evgenia’s hotel room, on Alina’s bed, just outside of the Olympian Village, in a huge luxury hotel. She didn’t care enough to ask why were they bunking, if someone told them to, or if they were again civil with each other. She didn’t even care enough to ask where the hell Alina would sleep.
“Is she okay?” She heard when she was lying on Alina’s bed, still crying and curled up in the ball. Alina’s voice never seemed to be softer than then.
“Obviously she isn’t. She said she won’t ever skate again,” Zhenya muttered quietly, and Sasha barely heard it because of her spasmatic breathing. The walls were closing on her slowly. God, what was even happening?
“She needs time. It’ll be okay, Zhenya. She’s just emotional now.”
“How’s Anechka?”
She choked on her tears.
---
She did not use her phone. Zhenya talked to Eteri and Daniil, and told her everything she had to know. Zhenya also posted on her Instagram, a post with no necessary emotions, but still thanking for the silver medal. As if there was anything to thank for.
---
They came back home and after all the press events that Sasha was trying to live through, so that Eteri wouldn’t look at her with more malice than she already did, she finally was finished with the season. She was done with it. She was free.
(She had to go to training in three months. Anna would be there.)
(She wouldn’t. She would not skate. She would never stand on ice again.)
---
The house was mostly silent, and if it was not, she was being questioned by her mother and father. Her mother was worried. Her father was worried too, probably, but he was also mad. So mad. She was supposed to bring gold. She was supposed to be great. The greatest.
He did everything he could for her to win. She did everything she could to win.
And it wasn’t enough.
---
She finally turned on her phone, a week after they came back from the Olympics.
She barely ate anything, and barely moved from her bed really. She stayed there, sometimes with her dogs, laying down and crying, thinking about everything that happened. Thinking about how everything was going to end for her.
Looking at the screen, she did not check any social media, just the messages. She was too scared of what she would find on Instagram, or on News, or even on Telegram. She knew the world was buzzing of the whole event.
(And since the Beijing, her heart was never slowing down. Her head hurt – she did not know if it was because of the lack of food or too much of stress. Her whole body hurt. She was in a constant fear that somehow Eteri would be there if she wake up, and all her dreams were filled with her failing the Triple Axel on the Olympics, or with the night before Olympics, when Anna smiled at her broadly, hugged her and almost fell asleep in the same bed as her.)
Zhenya was texting her. Telling her she could talk to her anytime, if she only wanted. Alina congratulated her (for what?), Kamila sent her the last message two days before their free skates on Olympics (she should text Kamila. Ask her about everything. Ask her if it was true, even though the tests came back positive, so it must have been). Aliona sent her a long message, then some memes and irrationally stupid texts that were about everything but the Olympics. Yulia, with whom she never really talked, but met her a few times, also congratulated her. There were angry messages from Eteri, calling her a kid, and from Daniil, telling her to come back stronger to the practice. There were a lot of messages from her family, that she never really read when she was in China.
There were over 30 messages from Anna. She would send a message or two every day.
She did not open them.
---
She texted Kamila, but the message did not reach her. She probably kept her phone turned off, just like her for the last week or so.
---
Evgenia was always her friend, but after the Olympics, it seemed she was her anchor, too.
She knew how it was. She listened and she talked.
She was the only person in the world that understood.
---
She knew she would do no good with Eteri. She wanted a change. She needed a change. Like before Olympics, like when she was with Plushenko.
She talked to her father. It was a long talk, and she cried before him, making him only more mad at her than he already was.
She would go to Svetlana.
(She wasn’t sure if she was able to step on the ice.)
---
Zhenya: it’s good, a change. it was good for me.
You: you came back though
Zhenya: i healed and i came back. it felt right. it’s not like when you decide one thing, you cannot change your mind, sasha. it’s not a one way ticket.
She supposed she was right. Zhenya was right most of the time.
Her transfer was not yet announced but certainly decided. It was ready. She told only Evgenia.
Another message popped up on her screen.
Anya<3: please i just want to talk, i’m sorry, sasha
Sasha closed her eyes. Anna was texting her constantly.
You: why won’t she stop texting me?
Zhenya: she cares about you. she won’t just stop after one day, you know.
You: do you talk to her?
Zhenya: it doesn’t matter sashenka. just take your time. but she won’t give up easily.
Sasha wanted to talk to her. Sasha felt a need to talk to her, to tell her why she behaved like she did, she wanted her to understand. She missed her.
God, she missed her.
But she wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t know how she felt, she wouldn’t-
Sasha felt tears prickling in her eyes.
God. She missed her.
But it was too early.
(It would kill her to see that Anna does not understand.)
---
Another week came and went. She lied in her bed, watched her favourite movies. Went out with her dogs. Spent some time in the park near her home. Visited some family.
She tried not to think about the Olympics. But every night, when she closed her eyes, she would see the ice, she would see the colourful letters making the word Beijing, she would see herself jumping and falling Triple Axel. She would see Anna, all happy with her golden dream in her hand.
And every night, she would cry and fight for breath, with walls closing on her in the darkness of her own room.
---
You: do you think if i landed that one axel i would win?
Zhenya: don’t think like that. we all know your only job was to land the quads, and you did it.
You: but if i landed the axel i would win
Zhenya: you focused on quads. they told you to focus on quads. you cannot focus on everything, sasha, you’re just a human.
She was right. Of course Zhenya was right. She trained her quads, and it already almost broke her: she spent hours a day, every day, doing everything to be able to land five of them. And she did.
And if she tried to train the triple axel too, the same way she trained the quads, at the same time, she would probably end up in the hospital. Again. And for longer than usual.
They told her quads were enough. They were enough, she knew that.
Anna won.
But it was not Anna who gave points.
It was the judges.
Anya<3: can we talk?
---
You: do you and alina talk sometimes?
Zhenya: you should definitely talk to anya, if that’s the meaning behind the question.
You: it was not
Zhenya: sure. and we talk, sometimes. it’s better than it was.
You: but it’s not the same
Zhenya: me and alina were never the same as you and anya. we were friends then and we are on good terms now.
You: me and anna were friends too
Zhenya: you and anya were the best of friends and you know it. everyone does.
Did she? And who was everyone? Her father always said that she should not make friends in the sports. That they would slow her down. Make her miserable. Make her weak. And she tried, she really tried, but then came Anna and Aliona and Zhenya and even Kamila and it was just not possible to not be civil with them.
She thought of Anna. She truly was… her best friend. She never truly had anyone that close to her heart.
---
Kamila texted her back, but at the same time she did not. Replied her with some words that did not make much sense, and then said that she is sorry for her loss, although happy that Anna won.
She knew she would say something like that. Kamila was in a miserable position as she was, and now with her two friends not talking to each other, and their trio being ruined, she probably tried to make it known that she still cared for both of them.
She thanked her. Wished her luck with the war with ISU.
Those were their last texts to each other until a year and a half later.
---
She was barely eating and her mother took her to the doctor.
He gave her a small paper with a number of minimal calories she should eat in a day. She checked on the internet later, and it was still way smaller than what a normal person her age should eat.
But she had the paper with herself on most occasions, checking if she was eating properly. She didn’t want to be so weak from malnutrition that she couldn’t jump quads.
Quads were everything she had. And she had to be strong for them.
(For just a moment, she forgot she said she wouldn’t go back on ice. It was so natural to her, to think of quads and butterflies and her caterpillars and she just – she just forgot.)
(Ice skating was the only thing she truly knew.)
---
She watched the news on Olympics, and she watched her performance at least ten times, always tears in her eyes. Of course she would fall on the Triple Axel. Of course she did not learn it, of course.
Would she have gold, if she did? Would she? Or would Anna still, somehow, be better?
It’s not about Anya, she was telling herself every night, it’s not about Anya, it’s about the judges. God. How she missed Anya.
---
Another week later she watched the videos of her screaming, of her crying. She didn’t remember that. There was this one photo, in which she was showing her middle finger while standing on the podium. There was another photo, of her sitting at the stands, alone, tears on her face and smudged makeup, hunched and miserable and just broken.
But truly, from that day she remembered only the moment when she finished skating Cruella (And, God, she was so happy. She didn’t know what was about to happen.) , and the moment she was given the silver medal, when she stood on the podium, on the right side instead of the middle. Only this. She wasn’t even sure what happened on that day.
She listened to herself screaming at Eteri. Screaming at some random woman who tried to tell her where she should go next. She watched herself shaking and crying and suddenly she was shaking and crying on her bed, again. Just like then.
(She saw the video of Anna sitting on the couch alone. Sad. Dejected. She probably could hear her screaming then – she was on the other side of the wall after all, and she was quite loud.)
(She stared at Anya, small and close to crying and not with happiness. She won gold. She should be happy. Why wasn’t she happy?)
---
Anya<3: can we please meet, i miss you
This time, she didn’t say she wanted to talk. She didn’t say that she wanted to say sorry (for what?), she didn’t say she wanted to explain.
She just said she missed her.
Sasha missed her too.
You: Ok. When?
---
She thought she wouldn’t be able to look at her, but it was literally the easiest thing she’s done in the past month or so.
Her heart was hammering when she saw her on the outskirts of Moscow. They both preferred that than meeting in a centre, where they could be seen together, asked questions, asked for autographs or whatever.
She looked good. She looked like Anya. Pale, with a huge coat on her, a backpack, fluffy hat. Some light makeup on her face, nice eyeliner work on her eyes. Something in Sasha’s stomach fluttered. Maybe anxiety. Most of her days now had her with surging anxiety in her veins.
(She was a beauty incarnate. Her eyes had this mesmerizing, rich brown colour and they were filled with warmth and disbelief of some sorts. Her cheeks were flushed pink, probably from the cold, as the rest of her skin was pale and with no imperfections. Her brown hair was framing her face from under the fluffy hat, and Sasha was pretty sure she made herself looking like a total fool by just staring at her for a few seconds too long.)
Even with her huge coat Sasha thought she looked smaller, somehow. Her hands were trembling when she waved, maybe because of the cold. Sasha’s hands were shaking, too.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Normally they would hug and Anna would go on about everything she thought of. It was not like that this time. Anna was looking at her, as if she saw her for the first time, and there was clearly some worry on her face. She did not speak. That made Sasha so uncomfortable she decided to talk herself.
“Uh. How are you,” it was more like a statement, and a quiet one. Anna smiled, a little. For a moment she thought she would laugh.
“Been better.”
“Yeah. Been better too.”
---
They talked about nonsense. She showed Anna photos of her dogs that she took a day before and Anna cooed, calling them the cutest. Anna talked about the book she read, and showed her some photos of her cat and just some places she visited and thought were pretty.
They did not talk of figure skating at all.
But it was a start. Anna’s eyes crinkled with happiness when Sasha dwelled on a fact that her husky, Jack, had found a puddle of mud in the snow and lied down in it, later making her clean him in a bathtub. Which both of them hated.
It was almost as if no Olympics happened. They were sitting on a bench in a secluded park, near a frozen lake, and they talked.
When they said goodbye to each other, still a little awkward, Sasha felt as if the weight of the world was released from her shoulders.
She could breathe again. She could smile again.
---
In the next week, they met three times, and they texted every other day.
---
She was facetiming Zhenya, in her bed, crying – as most of the nights.
It was pathetic, truly. And Evgenia was on the other side of the world. Normally, she wouldn’t call her, but she knew she wasn’t doing anything, and well. Hugging her dogs couldn’t solve all her problems, and her heart aching, and limbs shaking and breath staggering.
Zhenya was smiling, and the she wasn’t, “What’s happening?”
Could she even say what was on her mind?
“Is it worth it?” She could.
“What is worth it?”
“Skating. Tournaments. Championships. I lost the biggest prize, are the smaller worth fighting for?”
“Oh, Sasha. They are. They so are…”
“But I failed at the Olympics-“
“You got the second place,” and fuck, did those words hurt her, “It’s the podium. It’s a success, for you, for our skating, for the whole Russia.”
“I was supposed to be first. Everyone said-“
“Sashenka. Sometimes life is cruel. But we keep going, huh?”
She thought of that. Zhenya was still skating. She was still doing it after her failure. And she was still smiling, making people laugh and seeing the world, doing what she wanted, mostly, and…
“Figure skating is not only medals. And I know what your father is always saying, and I know what Eteri Georgievna always says. But it’s about the love for the ice, the speed, the jumps. It’s about the people you meet, moves you learn. Not everything is about winning.”
She listened and nodded, knowing she wouldn’t understand that for a long time, even if it was theoretically making sense.
“Go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.”
She went to sleep and dreamed about the ice, the speed, the jumps. About her landing all five quads. About Anya.
---
A few weeks ago she would not believe that she would be stepping inside of Anya’s home ever again. But she was.
Her parents weren’t home and she didn’t really ask where were they or her siblings. The house was all warm colours and rugs and softness. There was a huge amount of photos on the walls and tables and a lot of flowers and it just – it just was so comfortable. So homey.
She missed it.
When Anya asked if she wanted to have a sleepover, with a film that she found on the internet and some good food, she couldn’t really say no. It just did not feel right, and besides she wanted to go. She wanted to spend more time with her. Those almost four weeks where they did not talk and her heart was shattered to pieces really made her…
Well. Miss her.
You: but what if it will be awkward?
Zhenya: it will be okay. i’m telling you, it’ll be great. just go and enjoy some time with her.
“Hi. Come in, come in. You know the way,” Anya was saying, as she opened the door, closed it, then took her coat and put it in the closed. She was smiling all the time, visibly nervous, but nonetheless smiling. And Sasha couldn’t help but smile too.
God, she was ridiculous.
Soon enough they were sitting under the blankets, on the opposite sides of a sofa. They were eating some salad and drinking water and Anna struggled with the TV pilot, her face scrunched and annoyed. Sasha laughed quietly, eating more salad, her other hand stroking a small cat who was sleeping next to her.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
“No, tell me.”
“You’re behaving like my grandma. Just that,” she smiled even broader when Anya threw one of many pillows at her. She took it and put under her head, making the other girl sigh and roll her eyes.
“I met your grandma. I’m definitely not that bad.”
“You’re very close, though. Give it a year. ”
When she finally put the film on, they watched in silence. Sasha positively buried herself under all the blankets she was given, and stressed her eyes on the movie. All the lights were off, but she felt… relaxed. Good. Happy, even. And not once she thought of the Olympics, even if just next to her there was the very person who took away her dream of a gold medal.
Involuntarily, she looked at Anna.
And she was met with her huge, brown eyes, who immediately widened and looked away to the screen of the TV. Sasha frowned, something weird settling in her stomach as she supported her weight on her forearm, fully turning her body to the other girl.
“What? Is something a matter?”
“No. No, no. Of course not,” it was fake and both of them knew it. Sasha didn’t like it. Why would she lie? If something happened, if she wanted her gone from her home or whatever, she could just tell her.
God, she knew it would be awkward. Her thoughts already drifted to the message she would sent to Zhenya about how she was not right for the first time in a long time.
“No. Tell me. Why were you looking at me like that?”
“There’s a great scene on a TV if you would just-“
“I don’t really care about the film that much. Anna, something’s wrong? You want me to go?”
It was Anya’s turn to frown, “What? No, why would I?”
“Because you were looking at me for God knows how long. And you desperately wanted to see that film, if I remember correctly.”
“Yeah, well. I still want to see it, so if-“
She send her a look, the one she would sent Eteri when she was screaming at her, or to the young kids on the rink that were throwing her off of her program by skating too close. Anna shrunken immediately.
“You will think I’m weird.”
“I always thought that about you. It’s basic knowledge by now.”
“Oh, shut up! I hate you sometimes!”
Sasha grinned at her, shaking her head, “You love me,” she said immediately, realizing only after the words were in the air and Anna’s eyes looked at her with such fondness she, again, felt something weird in her stomach.
Then Anna shrugged and sighed theatrically.
“You just look pretty, okay. Shit, you will be annoying about that for next months,” she groaned, shoving her head in her palms.
Sasha’s stomach did a weird backflip, and she felt herself going warm on her face. She cleared her throat, clenched her fist under the blanket and made herself smile crookedly at Anna, who was looking at her through her fingers.
“You think I’m pretty?”
“Shut up.”
“Nah, you just said I look pretty!”
“Shut it, Sasha!”
She chuckled, smiled at her when she was rolling her eyes and turned to the TV once more. After a few quiet minutes, when Anna was playing with her hands and definitely not watching the movie, she looked at her, and thought as if it was the first time she actually saw her.
Anya was beautiful, and that was a basic knowledge. But not many people could see her like she saw her in that moment: with her oval face and long hair framing it, with her old pyjamas on and no makeup and frown on her face, and eyes glistening and-
“You look beautiful too,” she said, without thinking.
When Anya looked at her dumbfounded, she could only smile faintly.
After some seconds, the brunette laughed quietly. Then threw at her another pillow, this time hitting her straight in the face.
“You’re such a softie. If the world could see you being like that, they all would have gasped with disbelief.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“You love me.”
---
Zhenya: was it awkward?
She rolled her eyes the next day as she was coming back from Anya’s in the morning, going straight to Sambo’s gym: it would do her good to train a little more.
(She still did not step on the ice since Beijing. The sole thought made her heart clench with anxiety.)
She remembered the beautiful shade of Anya’s eyes when she caught her staring, and then she remembered all of her soft smiles. Just some minutes ago she held her hand, thanking her for coming and letting her know they would be doing things like that more.
Sasha smiled goofily, visualizing again and again how Anya squeezed her hand a little harder, looking straight into her eyes and smiling blindingly. She caught herself giggling.
And she stopped rapidly on the sidewalk. Frowned. Composed herself in that exact second. What the fuck? Did she actually giggle? No, it couldn’t be.
She shook her head and started walking again.
You: it wasn’t that bad
Zhenya: can i please say i told you so now?
You: shouldn’t you be doing something productive? like watching anime or filming some videos?
Zhenya: oppressing you is my priority.
She put on her earphones and sighed. After half an hour, when she was getting ready in the locker room of Sambo, she looked at her phone again.
Zhenya: i told you so ; )
---
Sasha’s eyes widened in a comical way, judging by the Zhenya laughed at her, “What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you’re in Japan?”
“A surprise?”
“A lie, you mean,” she raised her eyebrow, unimpressed.
Zhenya stood in front of the door of her home – her car just in her peripheral vision. She seemed giddy and way too happy to not be suspicious of that.
“Coloured truth,” Medvedeva smiled, “I know you’re not doing anything. I’ve got a surprise. Come on!”
And she went to the car, leaving her at the doors, confused and cold, “Wait! Zhenya, what are you doing!?”
She took her jacket, put on her shoes and closed her house, making sure that all of her pets were inside. By the time she got into the car, it was already warm there and Zhenya had some anime opening, or whatever the song was, on.
“Ready for an adventure?”
“Are you taking me to Japan?”
“No,” she rolled her eyes, pouting and driving away.
“Then no,” Sasha shrugged.
She felt a familiar feeling of anxiety in her stomach, a little too much to be ignored but too little to make a fuss out of it. But it got worse and worse with every passing minute – when she started recognizing where they were going.
“Are you taking me to the rink? Evgenia…”
“Shush. You need to go there, Sashenka, and you know it. It’s better to do that with me for the first time since Olympics than with Eteri Georgievna, huh?”
She had a point, of course she had, but it didn’t change the fact that suddenly her hands were clammy and her stomach was hurting and her hands were trembling and-
It felt like a blink, when she saw Evgenia tying her skates. Sasha gulped, looking at her friend who was humming a song that she felt like she heard in the radio some days ago. She looked up and saw an open, empty rink. Clear ice everywhere, and blinding lights and a total silence if not for Evgenia.
“You’re all set up,” she said, clapping on Sasha’s knees as if she was a little baby. She kind of felt like one in that moment, “Now, come on! We only have an hour and a half of this empty luxury of a rink!”
“You rent it?” She asked, standing up and taking Zhenya’s hand that was waiting for hers. Brown-eyed woman only smiled, and led her towards the entry, “It must have cost fortune, Zhen-“
“Ah, shut it, Sashenka. I’m two time silver Olympic medallist. If I want to rent a rink, I can. Now, come on,” she muttered the last art a little quieter, and went on the ice with a soft glide, stopping right before the entrance and looking at her, “It’s not that scary, I swear.”
She looked at her, and well. She didn’t want to act like a baby, so she took a step, but then again stopped and clenched her fists and took a huge breath – God. God, the last time she was on the ice, she-
“I’ve got you,” she heard a soft voice, and Zhenya’s hands were just before her. She looked into her brown eyes and bit her lip.
Zhenya’s was almost always right. She had to trust her, by default.
She took her hands and took a step onto the ice.
---
She and Anya met again in a small coffee shop. The man that was working there either didn’t know them or just didn’t care for them, as he took their orders and started making them without anything to say.
They sat at the very back, next to the wall, just to be sure that no one would see them. Anna was smiling at her, with that soft smile she seemed to have only for her, and Sasha looked at her, amazed, peaceful for once.
“So. Did Jack find another puddle?”
“He did. And Tina did. And all of them did, actually,” she rolled her eyes as watched as Anna was sipping her coffee with a big smile and sparkling eyes.
It was the end of the March. White snow and puddles were everywhere.
They talked for hours, ordering the smallest portion of cookies for them to share, and then water. People came and went, not really so much as glancing at them, leaving them alone. Anya spoke of something that happened at her family gathering – Sasha wasn’t sure what was it, too focused on her energetic gesticulation and emotion in her voice and expression on her face and-
“Do I have a coffee spill on my face?”
Sasha straightened – she didn’t even realized she leaned on the table, with her chin on her hands, looking certainly like some creep. God, what was her problem?
“No, you’re good,” she mustered.
Anna smiled, even softer than usual and continued on her story. Her uncle hit himself on a table and all the dishes and alcohol he had been holding in his hands spilled on the floor, and everyone was screaming. Sasha laughed.
When they were saying goodbye, Anna took her hand in hers, again, and Sasha stilled, looking at their interviewed fingers, “Will I see you, in two days? On a training?”
And her heart ached a little because – fuck, she actually forgot about the training. She was sure her father would remind her in no time, but since she started talking to Anna again, since they started meeting as if they were little girls again – she just forgot.
A normal training, with Anna, and Eteri, and other girls. A normal practice, not soft, relaxing skating with Zhenya, hand in hand, smiling at their effortless turns and small, basic jumps.
(She would show up as the biggest failure. As the person who was supposed to win, who everyone thought would win – but lost instead.)
She tried to smile, “Yeah. But don’t think we will do spins together on the first day.”
“Would never dare to think that,” Anna laughed, “Don’t worry. I’m patient. And we will make them in no time.”
And then Anna left her on a sidewalk; with her hand still stretched out, and with her fist clenching and unclenching – to forget or to remember the feeling of Anya’s hand in hers, she didn’t know.
---
She and Anna were texting more and more, and soon it was as if no Olympics happened, at least through the phones. On the trainings, they did not talk, they did not even look at each other. They ignored each other, as if the other one did not exist in the first place – and then, when they were both home, they would spent hours texting nonsense.
Memes, photos of dogs, Anna’s photos of some random thing she was cooking or a quote from a book she was reading with a selfie as a reaction to it. Random texts when something happening to one of them and they just needed to share with each other.
A few weeks prior she thought it was the end, but it wasn’t. She had Evgenia, and her dogs, and now she trained for hours, and she texted and sometimes met Anna and… and she just never looked at her Olympic medal. It was hidden in a drawer, as if it was never given to her. And so, it wasn’t the end.
She trained longer than all the other girls. Ate smaller portions, but did not let herself not meet the minimum calories she was told to eat by her doctor.
Especially after Alina visited Sambo and saw her miss the lunch break (a few minutes for them to sip on the water and eat a protein bar) – once, twice, five times – and took her to the locker room.
“Sashulya. Be a good girl and tell me. Are you starving yourself?”
It was brutal and to the point and she should have known it would happen, sooner or later. Alina was a great girl and a great figure skater, and before the Olympics of 2018 they talked quite a lot, with Zhenya and Aliona and Anya and other girls. After the Olympics she won it changed, but Alina still was worried for them, and she visited a lot, and was cheering them on in all big competitions, and she still cared and- and it made Sasha uncomfortable.
Not a lot of people truly cared for her, it seemed. And so having a talk with Alina, who sat her down and started speaking about eating disorders that were so common in their club, while not even her mother talked with her about that… it was weird. And why would Alina even bother? She had to have a reason.
But after more than half an hour of her talking, of holding hands and asking, do you understand? Do you remember, Sashulya?, they left the locker room, and Sasha took a deep breath.
Met Anya’s worried eyes that were clearly looking for her, at her, and then went on ice.
---
(She caught up with Alina just as she was getting into her car. The older girl looked at her funnily, closing the door again and taking a step to her.
“What happened, Sashulya? Do you need anything? I-”
“Why do you care?” she simply asked.
Alina looked at her stunned, clear astonishment in her eyes and incomprehension on her face, “what do you mean, Sashulya? Are you all right?”
“We talked before all the stuff that happened with you and Zhenya. But we were never really that close, we both know it, and now you just take me to the side and ask if I starve myself? Why would you care? Do you want something from me?”
They could hear the wind and the cars, and some other noises typical for Moscow streets. Alina stood before her, with her designers clothes and luxury car and perfect makeup and it was just – just unimaginable that she would suddenly, without any reason, start caring about her again. About a girl that she talked with years ago every day, but then stopped, and now just sometimes visited and-
And they never were the best of friends, there was no reason at all for her to care.
“Sashulya,” She made a few steps, and one of her hands landed on her arm, and the other on her cheek. Sasha was scared to realize that that simple act made her tear up and her heart clench, “Sashulya I always cared. You’re one of my little girls. I’m sorry it does not seems like that anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I just-“
“It’s okay,” Alina hugged her, hard. Sasha clinged to her, putting her head on her arm, smelling her perfumes, “It’s okay, Sashenka.”
Sashenka.
And then it clicked.
“Zhenya asked you, didn’t she?” She asked after a few minutes.
Alina hugged her harder.
“I care, too.”)
---
She remembered Zhenya’s words about friendship, and how she and Anna were different than her and Alina.
The last message on her and Anna’s conversation was a photo of brunette’s cat laying down in a sun, and her reply to that “he looks like you that one time in finland”, and Anna’s heart reaction to it. It was less than an hour ago.
She thought for a moment, then wrote a message, and before she could think about it more, she pressed sent button.
You: do you want to hang out tomorrow? since we both have a free day
It took exactly seven seconds for Anna to reply.
Anya<3: where are you taking me?
Sasha smiled, just a little bit, and ignored the weird flutter of anxiety in her stomach. It was the first time they would meet on a day where they both did not have the training, after their sports break that happened after the Olympics. She half thought Anna would prefer to spend it with her family, or just relaxing alone, after all the training she was doing.
She was glad she was wrong.
---
They spent a whole day together. It was supposed to be only a breakfast thing, but Anna was speaking so animatedly about the last book she read, the characters, the story, the meaning of it, the plot twists, and she just didn’t have a heart to tell her that she needed to go.
Because she didn’t need to. Didn’t have to. And didn’t want to.
Then Anna asked her if she saw a movie that premiered a few weeks prior, and when Sasha said that she did not have time (dwelling on the Olympics, crying in her bed, fighting for every breath when the lights went off and she was left alone with her thoughts), Anna took her there. After that, they went to a coffee shop, laughing at the comedy they saw and speaking loudly what the next part could be about.
Then they went to the park; the snow was pretty much gone, and there were even some places where the green of the grass came out. There was no sun, but it didn’t matter to them, as they went hand to hand, glancing at each other and talking quietly.
They were in the middle of a conversation about the paper that Anya had to write for her collage, muttering curses and rolling eyes, when the brunette suddenly grabbed Sasha’s forearm, hard.
“Do you think those birds have enough to eat?”
Sasha raised her eyebrow, but glanced at their hands.
“Yeah, probably. Those are birds, they eat bugs. Or whatever.”
“Do you think we can find them something to eat?”
Sasha grimaced immediately, “What? Do you want to play with the dirt?”
“What, no!” Anya shoved her in the arm, making Sasha laugh and take step back, just for a moment. Then she put her hand on Anya’s head and ruined her hairstyle, strongly moving her fingers in her soft hair. Anya groaned, laughed, and she’s never looked more beautiful than in the moment when she was trying to fix her hair, “maybe there’s someone who sells stuff for them.”
She raised her eyebrow, again, “you think so?”
“Why not?”
“Well, we can look for them, I guess,” she shrugged, even if it was the last thing she actually wanted to do. She preferred to just listen Anya talk, but she guessed that if looking for someone that was selling food for birds in the park could make Anya happy, it was worth it.
(They did not find anyone who would sell food for birds.)
(Anya’s pout made her google what birds could actually eat – just to be prepared for the next time.)
It was still a little awkward. They did not speak of Sambo or Eteri, or anything about figure skating, even if they both knew they would have the best conversations about exactly that. They did not talk about Aliona who was drifting away from them, struggling with hip injury and with Eteri, and with other things that were not really in their place to ask about. They did not talk about Kamila who was let to skate again, but had a quite big problem with ISU, and probably, after a year or two, she could be banned from skating. They did not speak of Eteri who was hissing at them, stressed more than usual, or about the fans that would wait in front of Sambo’s door, giving them gifts, asking for autographs, calling Anna the Champion and Alexandra Russian Rocket.
Both of them knew it would be best to talk about those things, and not jump around them. They both loved figure skating. They both had a lot to say about their programs, about moves, even about their skates.
But they did not. Sasha scared that Anya would pity her, Anya scared that Sasha would run away.
---
They were sitting on a bench, in the park. Sasha’s hands were shaking slightly. There was a small packet of some special designed peanuts for birds in Anya’s right hand that Sasha bough a few days earlier.
The sun was shining this time, and Anya looked quite beautiful, with her closed eyes and small smile and face fully in light.
“So, what did you want to say?”
“I’m transferring,” she stated. It was better to be quick about it, and she definitely didn’t want to behave like the last time she transferred – when she did not tell anyone about it, and Anya, and Aliona, and Alina, and everyone truly, found out through the News, of all things.
Anna’s eyes shot open, but there was no emotion in them, as if she did not understand. And then she bit her lip, and looked away, and Sasha’s heart ached a little.
“Why? When?”
“I need change. I can’t do it with Eteri-“
“You can. You did it for years, we both are doing it for years-”
“I need change, Anechka,” the nickname slipped, and the brunettes eyes became teary, “change is good. I need it. To… to be better. Or something.”
It was the first time they actually talked about something that was related to their work since Beijing. In that moment, for a quick second, Sasha wished they actually talked about it before. Maybe then it would not be such a shock.
Anna straightened, “you leave us again. You were with Plushenko’s once, are you going to him again? If he did not help you then-“
“I’m going to Svetlana Sokolovskaya. In October.”
“So it is decided?”
“Yes.”
Seeing tears in Anna’s eyes, she wished she could just go back in time and not speak with her father. Not think about Eteri that often, not talk to Evgenia who told her if she felt like it was a good idea, she should just go for it. Because maybe it felt like a good idea then, but now it didn’t, not when she looked at Anya who-
Who grabbed her hand and shrugged. Squeezed her palm hard, harder than usual, and sat so close to her that their arms were touching. Sasha looked at her, feeling something in her stomach that felt dangerously close to anxiety.
“Well. I hope you will be okay there.”
“Yeah. I hope so, too.”
“I’ll miss you.”
They didn’t even talk on the rink. When they were in Sambo, they behaved like they did not know each other. So why would she say that? It wouldn’t be so different, after she transferred.
“I missed you the whole time,” she whispered in reply.
Sasha didn’t explain, but Anna seemed to understand without her help. She squeezed her hand once more and put her head on her arm. They stayed in the park for another hour, throwing some peanuts from time to time to the birds.
When they were saying their goodbyes, they hugged, and Anna’s face found itself in the crook of Sasha’s neck, sniffling quietly.
Sasha’s never hugged someone harder than in that moment. Even her hug with Evgenia after the Olympics was nothing compared to that one.
---
Looking at Anya became more painful after that. It was not even about the Olympics anymore, and it was only partially because she was transferring.
Every time she looked at her, she was anxious. Every time Anya sent her some photos, she would smile for the next hours. When something happened to her, good or funny, or weird or stupid, Anya would know about it first. They would meet thrice a week or more, and they saw each other on the rink almost every day.
God, they even started to do their training routines together, whenever it was possible. As if they were trying to spend the most of time together before she would go to Svetlana.
Eteri raised her perfect eyebrow when she saw them together for the first time, skating a circle together to test their skates and the ice. When she saw them actually talking, she turned her head to Daniil and raised her eyebrow even higher.
Anna would wait on her until she was done with her practice, and it made her training a little shorter than it normally was, just so she wouldn’t wait too long for her. They would talk in the locker room of Sambo, then when they were going to their cars, then in their homes they would text until late hours.
Sasha never felt so light, somehow. So relieved. Even her mother asked what was that about, but she did not know what to answer.
Because if it was about a boy, the answer would be simple and plain – but Anya was not a boy, and it was quite impossible for her to feel anything more than friendship towards her. Towards a woman.
(But every time they found their gazes on the respective sides of the rink. Every time they would brush their hands unintentionally, every time they would go to a coffee shop together. Every time Anna smiled at her, her stomach was fluttering, and she couldn’t help but smile herself.)
(Every time it was happening, she had only one thought. A thought that petrified her.)
---
It was already the end of September.
She told Anya not to wait on her. Her triple Axels felt good that day, like she finally could do them without much of a stress or thought – which was probably only temporary, but she still had to take advantage of that. It was ironical that it was her last day at Sambo.
She landed Triple Axel for the third time, her legs hurting, head spinning. She crouched, still gliding on the ice, breathing deeply. Her head hurt a little bit, too. And her back. And she barely could breathe.
But she landed it. Again. It was finally happening, so maybe it was all yet not lost-
And then she felt a hand on her arm. She stood up, almost fell over, and spun – only to see Anna’s worried eyes. She had her coat on herself, and in her hand there was Sasha’s. Without words, she took it from her and wore it.
“What are you doing here?” she finally asked, after Anya’s eyes have not left her for a second.
“I waited for you, but you took your time. I wanted to talk. It’s your last day, do you truly want to jump Triple Axels until you pass out?”
“I told you not to wait. Did you want to talk about that?”
“It’s not healthy.”
“It’s training.”
Anna took her hand and started slowly circling on the rink. They were in total silence, not counting the mesmerizing sound of skates on the ice and their breaths, Sasha’s definitely more staggering one. They made a third, slow, peaceful circle around the rink when Anna spoke again.
“We have to talk about it.”
“Is there truly something to talk about?”
“Sasha. You lost, I won. Nothing’s the same.”
She closed her eyes. She knew the rink by memory, she did not need them open and she definitely did not have to look at Anya. Anya, who still hold her hand, hard. Not letting her skate away.
“I know. It’s hard not to remember it.”
They were silent for a moment.
“I know it broke you. I’m sorry you feel that way, I just-“
“I’m not angry. Not anymore, and most definitely not at you,” she muttered, “Just disappointed with myself. With the judges.”
“Alina told me you speak with Zhenya regularly. I’m happy she’s helping you. I just… I just wish it wouldn’t be like this, you know?”
She knew. And… and it was weird. Because they were talking about the worst day of her life, that still made her cry most of the nights. But the only thing she could think of was Anya’s hand on hers, and her soft voice when she spoke quietly, and their shoulders brushing.
“It’s okay. It’s better. I just think I needed time.”
“Yeah. Okay,” she heard a response, “so, are we okay? Like really okay?”
They stopped, in the middle of the rink. Sasha opened her eyes and saw Anna directly in front of her, worrying her lower lip. She smiled, even if it was a little smile.
Anya looked truly beautiful like that. God, Anya was always beautiful.
“Yeah. We are okay. We were for a long time, now.”
“And will we be still talking? After you go to Svetlana?”
“I would never dream of something different.”
Anna smiled, too, then, and grabbed her hand a little harder, “C’mon. Let’s do our spin. For old times sakes.”
The wind in her hair, the soft gliding through the ice, and Anna’s laugh when she pulled Sasha and almost made her trip. She laughed then, too, and before her eyes she saw all of the times they did that spin on the trainings. And she laughed louder, when she remembered Eteri skating up to them, with pitying look and stern words. Every time.
They spun, holding hands and laughing on the empty ice rink. And when they stopped, Sasha looked into her shining, brown eyes, at her dishevelled hair, slight flush on her cheeks, the lips that curled up into a fond smile and-
Oh.
Oh.
And Anya must have seen the look on her face, because she leaned in and suddenly her lips were on hers. Soft, unsure, delicate. Sasha sighed, closed her eyes and cupped her face. God, she thought as she was moving her lips on Anna’s, as gently as she only could. And Anna was moving too, her hands on her arms, gripping hard, possessively. She’s unreal.
Yeah. They were okay. More than.
When they stopped to catch their breath, Sasha could not stop looking at Anya’s face. The flush of her cheeks, the crinkled eyes that were basically shimmering with happiness, her lips-
“I told you I was patient.”
It was Sasha who started a kiss after that.