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She waited for this very day for the last year.
She keeps telling herself that, sure, it’s just another day, like every other day, but when it’s the very first Valentine’s Day she will spend with the woman she loved the most, especially after all those years of longing, she definitely had to do something special for the occasion.
That’s a reason why some people call Lucy a romantic, because she always has a sense of the way she loves love, the way love works, the good and bad that love provides. She knows the feeling all too well in her life to feel the way she feels about someone, either platonic or romantic.
That was also the same way she felt about Julien, her best friend and girlfriend.
She still couldn’t believe she can actually say that without being afraid to say it.
The last year has been a whirlwind. Finally figuring out their feelings for each other and understanding each other in a new light, touring all around the world, winning 6 Grammy awards, and currently writing solo stuff. It still doesn’t feel real, but here they were, living in Los Angeles and enjoying domesticity with all it has to offer.
Their first Valentine’s Day as a couple needed to be absolutely special. Lucy really needed this to be. She doesn’t need to do the over-the-top-ness of giving cards or handing out chocolate strawberries or give out those candies that have thank you notes. All she wanted was to be with Julien all by herself.
~
Julien was writing some lyrics in the make shift studio that occupied some of the free room that was in their house. She barely had time to think about what today was. Of course, she thinks Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented on the grounds that is capitalism, with cards and candy being the driving force in it all. Of course, her being Julien Baker, she doesn’t really think of it that way, at least for Lucy’s sake.
Her struggle to love, especially as a religious lesbian, has been well documented, but at the same time, there was a time when she really thought that whoever the woman that she would lock eyes with and stay would be the one . Each time, it fails, not because of her struggles of mental health, addiction and so forth, but because it was never working out in the right place in her mind and the right time in her life.
Then came Lucy.
She never in a million years would think she would see in her that way, ever. Sure, they had those crushes, but it was always like an affectionate crush and nothing serious. Sometimes, she had those feelings that she really wanted to explore with her, but her struggle to accept herself to be loved and respected drove her away from it.
The past year, however, everything changed. The feelings came back, all thanks to the making of the True Blue music video, and her kissing Lucy by accident at Coachella. Both of them decided if this was the way they wanted to go, and they both decided to give it a try. Now it’s 10 months later, and the change that has gone through her is nothing short of amazing. She was no longer seen as the “prudish” type, all because Phoebe and the band knew that she and Lucy were sleeping in the same bunk together. She also became more confident and comfortable for once sexually; feeling herself more, touching herself more, dressing in flashy clothes more, loving her body more. For the first time since the hell show that almost cost her her life, Julien was enjoying herself the way she was supposed to be.
There was one bit of memory looking back then and now that ruins her time to time: it was Lucy playing Please Stay at tour. It was the boys’ idea to play their respective songs about Julien’s struggles for the encore. Lucy wrote it about telling her to stay and live life, everything she wrote in it was about what she saw through Julien’s eyes in that dark time. She felt guilty for hurting her like that, she apologized for even being in that state, but Lucy didn’t need to, she knew she could turn everything around eventually, if she just gave it time.
Now though, she felt grateful for Lucy as a whole. She was the first person who ever understood her as both a person and a musician. She was the first person who could understand the struggles of being queer and being from the south, sometimes an unacceptable community to be in. She felt like there was something in there with that no one could understand. It was absolutely different from their connections with Phoebe, which, while they loved her too, this was something that felt like it lasted like an ever lasting battery, like a missing puzzle piece that wanted to be found, like coming home to someone who trusts you so well.
That’s what it felt like. That’s what they both wanted in each other.
Now, for some reason she couldn’t get out of, Please Stay is now, in her point of view, a love song. Not in the sense that she knows she shouldn’t think of, but in the way that Lucy cares about her. The way she went out of her way to write all that down. The way that it made her uncomfortable at first, but that was the purpose of it. It was to put the feelings into perspective. It was a letter to her to say that things will get better and life is worth living if you just gave it the chance. It was Lucy, her lovable and sweet perfect Lucy, telling her to stay, for her sake and the sake of others.
And she did.
And now looking back, it was the greatest thing she ever did.
Every time she saw Lucy sing it on stage, it felt like it was now hearing it from new ears. It was still directed at her, through and through, but it also meant something else now. She was still her friend, the one telling her to stay, but now though, she was her partner, her lover, her perfect person, telling her all the same, but now with a whole new viewpoint. She couldn’t stop thinking about the what ifs if she went through it, but she didn’t, and she was grateful to Lucy for it.
There were so many things she Julien loved about Lucy. Her whole personality, the way she cares for everyone around her. The way she makes her a better person every day. Everything that makes Lucy her own person. There was also so many little things she loved most; her green eyes, her long hair, the way her hands touch her full inked ones, the way she cares for her when she breaks down, the way she looks at her when she’s asleep, the way she sings a melody only she can hear because it is just for her ears only, the way she kisses her head to feel herself in the right place of mind, the way her lips find hers in such a soft but passionate way. So many things she could find to describe how lucky she is to have her in her life.
“Hey, princess.” She hear Lucy say as she entered the room.
The brunette couldn’t help but smile in her full confidence. “What you up to, Luce?”
“Just wanted to check up on you. My sweet girl, I’m so lucky to have you.” Lucy pecked her face in kisses on the girl’s cheeks and forehead.
Julien steered herself into Lucy’s thigh, seeing face to face with her. “I’m lucky to have you too. What do you want to do today?”
“Dinner will be on me, and we can cuddle later all we want.”
She looked at Julien, now having a sad smile.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
The poor girl began fidgeting her fingers on Lucy’s shirt, feeling dread coming into her like the beginnings of a horrible panic attack.
“This is the first normal Valentine’s Day I had in a long time. I just…I really don’t know how I feel about it. You know how I said that stuff like our birthdays and Christmas and such are like the peaks of capitalism? Well, I still do believe that, but in all honesty, I do think this day is at least an exception.”
“Why?”
“Because I finally get to spend it with you.”
The word “finally” has been said to their faces so much in the past year that it felt like an accepting curse word at this point. Was it that they finally hooked up after all these years of not seeing each other that way? Or was it because they finally figured out this pattern of unfamiliar territory they were now in?
That didn’t need to be answered, because they already know it.
Lucy played with a string of her hair and put it on her nose. Then she pull her hair to look at her face, kissing her deeply and passionately. Julien returned the kiss, smirking into it and pressing her tongue forward.
They stopped for air, but they didn’t let go of each other for one bit, still staring into each other’s eyes.
“You’re too sweet for all that, Jules. I’m glad to be spending it with you too.”
All Lucy could do was watch Julien was she laid there in her chest, feeling how soft she was. She continued with the soft kisses on her cheek, while also playing with her curls of brown hair. It’s funny how life works. Last year at this point in time, she wasn’t supposed to be here, with Julien, living in Los Angeles of all places, but now here she was, enjoying her time with her, enjoying their little life together, and working on solo music that maybe their newfound togetherness can be the full on inspiration of it all.
“I love you, my sweet valentine.” Julien said as Lucy continued playing with her hair, excited for their little dinner date later.
“I love you too, princess.”