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Twilight knew his wife was going to die that night.
How he knew he wasn’t entirely sure, but he knew.
“Do you need help changing your clothes?” He took her hand when she moved to rise from her wheelchair and sit on their bed. “I can braid your hair too, if you’d like.”
“You’re always so sweet to me!” Yor chirped, her radiant smile happy and warm, a light he was happy to have basked in during their lifetime together. “Thank you. It sounds nice with a loose braid to control my hair while I sleep.”
“Will do,” he hummed, brushing through her hair, once dark as midnight, now silvery gray.
“Still as soft as ever.” The former spy reached for a hair tie and began braiding. “You have always taken good care of it.”
“You helped,” she replied fondly, taking her earrings and wedding ring off, placing them on the jewelry tray on her bedside table. “I’ve never been particularly good at cooking, so I appreciate that you made sure I always had healthy meals that kept my hair and nails strong.”
“Mhmm, of course. My wife deserves the best.” Finishing up the braid, he placed a kiss behind her ear that earned him a quiet giggle. “Let’s get you into your pajamas.”
“I appreciate it. It’s a shame my joints aren’t what they used to be…” Yor sighed as he helped her into her night gown. “I’m sorry I can’t help you as much as you help me.”
“You have helped me plenty throughout the years, Yor.”
You have no idea how much you have helped me. I don’t think I could ever return in kind what you have given me. The moment I met you became a paradigm shift, changing my entire life.
“Heh, you’re right, of course. Yet, sometimes it still seems unreal how lucky I was to marry you!”
I have always considered myself the lucky one.
“I’m glad…” Twilight hummed, cradling his wife’s face in his hands, stroking the soft, wrinkly skin for a moment. “Here, I’ll help you down.” Ignoring the pain in his spine, he bent forwards, fluffing up her pillow, then helped her lay down slowly, supporting her upper back and neck as he did so. “Comfortable?”
“Not as comfortable as I could be!”
“Oh?” His eyes scanned over her, trying to find the source of discomfort. “Should I go get you more paracetamol?”
“No silly!” Yor grinned, stroking his arm. “I’m talking about you not being in bed with me. I’m never truly comfortable when you’re not next to me.”
“Ah, I see,” he huffed in amusement. “Fair enough. I rest the best when you’re here with me, too…” His throat got just a tiny bit tighter as he moved to his side of the bed, turning off the bedside lamp “You make sleeping so easy.”
I hope I won’t have to live much longer, once you’re gone.
“We help each other feel safe,” she said gently, opening her arms when he got under the duvet. With the light from the streetlights outside, he could see how the front parts of her dark gray hair fanned out against the white bedsheets, like a small halo. “We always have and we always will.”
“Yes, indeed…” Twilight replied, just as gently, wrapping his arm around her waist. “I think I was looking for you all my life.”
“I think I was looking for you, too.” Warm, gentle fingers carded through his hair. “You make even the hardest times so much easier.”
I know. And it’ll be hard without you, Yor.
“We have both suffered a lot before we met, truly.” He tightened his grip on her waist as she pecked his nose. “I suppose I am, on some level, grateful for my life’s hardships bringing me to Ostania, so I could find you and Anya.”
“I wish we hadn’t suffered so much, but I’m happy that the stars aligned for us, too…” Yor’s wine red eyes were loving, affectionate, silently comforting him. “You’re an amazing husband and father.”
“And you’re an amazing wife and mother,” the former spy smiled sadly, laying his palm flat on her side, taking in the sensation of her ribcage rising and falling with her calm, even breaths. “I love you, Yor… More than I think I was ever able to adequately show you.”
“I love you too…” Yor whispered, leaning in close to her husband. “I love you very very much!” she leaned in all the way, until she could kiss his cheek. “I hope you never doubt that.”
“Hah, I think by now I have some certainty of your affection for me.”
“I would hope so. But otherwise, I’ll just tell you that I love you again!”
“Mhmm, I appreciate it, Yor…” Twilight felt his heart ache, his pulse speeding up. “I’ll tell you that I love you, too.”
I think this is the last time I’ll ever get to tell you. I’ll miss your voice. It sounds so beautiful.
His wife observed him for a moment, seemingly trying to figure him out.
“What is on your mind?” Yor asked gently, caressing his cheek. “You’re in a lot of pain.”
He took a moment to consider his words.
I’ve promised to never lie to her again after she found out about my career in espionage… I’ll be honest.
“I’m going to miss you terribly…” Twilight sighed, then swallowed. “You have been a constant in my life from the moment I met you.”
“Miss me?” She tilted her head, blinking in surprise. “But I’m right here?”
“You are,” he replied quietly. “But considering our age, I don’t know how much longer we have left together.”
I don’t know how many more breaths you’ll take. I don’t know how many beats of your heart I have left.
“I’m not dead yet,” she teased gently. “Besides, you don’t know who will die first.”
So you can’t sense that I’m going to lose you tonight, Yor? Perhaps that is for the best, then.
“Mhmm, my health is just a little bit better than yours.”
“Well, still! I’m still alive. Maybe not exactly ‘alive and kicking’ with my joints, but alive nonetheless.” Yor pulled gently on his ear, then gave him an apologetic smile. “If I do die before you… and really, it’s still only an ‘if’! Then… I’m sorry for leaving without you. I hope you’ll be okay until your time comes.”
Don’t feel sorry, Yor. In some way, I’m glad you won’t be the one who will suffer the pain of missing me. It would be selfish of me to wish to die first.
Twilight swallowed again, licking his lips, counting her inhales and exhales.
“We’ll see, I suppose.”
I miss you already. I miss you terribly.
Yor observed him, sensing his anguish.
“I want to sleep on my back, if that’s okay?” She leaned in to kiss him for a brief moment. “My spine and shoulder end up hurting a bit when I’ve slept on my side.”
“Of course, that’s fine.” He prolonged the kiss for several moments longer before letting her turn to lie on her back. “You should be comfortable while you sleep.”
“Heh, you’re such a gentleman!” She tugged on his arm. “Come here. Maybe it’ll soothe your anxiety if you can hear my heartbeat?”
The sound of your heartbeat was soothing because it was proof you were alive.
“How kind of you,” the former spy said quietly, laying his head on his wife’s chest. “You’re nice and warm, too…” Finishing up counting her breaths, he turned to count her heartbeats instead. “Yor?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you tell me you love me?”
“I love you!” Yor stated resolutely, hugging him a little closer to her, then whispered his real name.
Her husband took a shaky breath, closing his eyes.
“Thank you, Yor.”
His wife hummed, hugging him tighter, relaxing into their bed.
—
It’s time, he noted, still counting while she slept. Yor’s breathing and heartbeats are slowing down…
Twilight swallowed the lump in his throat.
I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.
He hugged her tightly to himself.
I wish you wouldn’t leave me, Yor…
Yor’s breathing and heartbeats slowed down ever more.
“I will miss you,” he hurried to whisper, desperate to tell her again before it was too late. “I love you, Yor.”
The exact moment he had said those words, his wife breathed out deeply, her heart pumped a tad louder.
She didn’t breathe in again.
Her heart stilled.
Twilight was frozen, his grip on his wife tightening as much as his muscles allowed, beginning to shake from head to toe.
It happened. Yor died. He opened his eyes, looking out their bedroom window without truly seeing anything. My wife is gone.
Yor’s arms were still wrapped around her husband’s body, her touch warm and gentle as it had been in life.
It feels unreal to lose her after a lifetime spent with her.
Sitting up, he turned the bedside lamp on, observing his wife’s face in the soft glow.
Her face was relaxed, a hint of a smile still on her lips, as if she really was just sleeping.
“You still look gorgeous after all these years, you know…” Twilight whispered, caressing her cheek. “Even when you got self conscious about your wrinkles and graying hair, I still thought you were the most beautiful person in the world.”
He took a moment to memorize the patterns in her skin, the softness of it, every little detail.
“I was so lucky when you proposed to me. I hope you knew I never took that blessing for granted.” He brushed her bangs away from her forehead to press his lips against her brows. “You were a paradigm shift in my life, Yor. I never rested as deeply as I did when you were next to me.”
Leaning back, he fixed her hair, smoothing her bangs down, brushing a loose lock of hair behind her ear.
“And you’re still warm… for a little bit longer. If I’m lucky, your warmth might make me able to sleep a little bit.” He pressed his lips against hers for a moment. “Thank you for that. I think this bed is going to feel freezing cold when I go to sleep tomorrow.”
His breathing was uneven.
“I’m sorry, I’m going to be a little selfish and undo that braid… I won’t get another chance to card my fingers through your hair.” His hands were shaking as he pulled the hair tie off, feeling the silkiness against his fingertips as he did so. “I’ll redo the braid for you tomorrow before I begin making calls, I promise.”
Gritting his teeth, he turned off the light, hiding his face in her chest. He wrapped her arms around himself, one of her hands on his back, the other on his head.
“I miss you, Yor.” His voice broke, his shaking increasing while he stroked her hair. “Thank you for spending your life with me.”
—
Twilight opened his eyes to a bright, sunny sky and birds singing outside the bedroom window. Underneath him was warm, soft skin, as well as a gentle, familiar weight of arms around his body.
“Good morning,” the former spy murmured out of habit, reaching up to caress his wife’s cheek to gently wake her up. “I hope you slept–”
And then he noticed that her chest was still, her skin only warm where it had touched his, her arms rather stiff as he moved to sit up.
Her expression was still one of a relaxed smile, but her skin was much, much paler than usual.
It took Twilight several moments to process the realization that his wife was, indeed, gone.
“Ah, right,” he said quietly, moving her arms to rest at her sides. “I’m sorry, I forgot I can’t wake you up this morning.” Cupping her face, he mourned the lack of warmth. “I better fix your hair for you like I promised. Your body will be more difficult to move around, soon.”
Reaching for the hair tie and brush on her bedside table, his eyes fell on something that sparkled in the morning sun.
He took a long, long moment to just observe her wedding ring, running his finger over his own ring, which he had purposefully avoided taking off for the night.
“Even though we got our rings quite a while after we got married, we got to wear them for many years. I’m happy about that.”
Picking up her ring, he held it in the palm of his hand, running his fingers over the smooth, cool metal.
“I don’t think I ever asked you if you wanted to be buried with your ring…” He turned to look at her again. “I think maybe Anya would like to inherit it, though. It’s a nice ring, and I’m sure she would like something to remember her mother.”
Twilight’s chest ached.
“And… I think I would like to keep it for a bit, myself… I hope that is alright with you.”
The sun’s rays made Yor’s long hair shine, fanning out over her pillow like a large halo.
“Either way… I’ll get your hair fixed and then I’ll help you change. I’ll call Anya and Yuri afterwards.”
—
Having spent the day focusing on informing friends and family, as well as begun to plan his wife’s funeral, Twilight had managed to keep himself somewhat together.
But when he entered his bedroom that night, he became keenly aware of the silence.
No creaking of his wife’s wheelchair, no sound of her hairbrush running through her hair, no sweet voice speaking to him.
Nothing.
And the room felt cold.
I am alone… I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly alone since the beginning of Operation Strix, all those years ago…
He stood still, staring at Yor’s bedside table.
Her hairbrush was where it always was, her box of medication still sat next to an empty glass he always filled with water before bed, and the jewelry tray still had her earrings and wedding ring.
Like always.
His chests felt far too small.
I miss my wife.
Swallowing thickly, he went to his own bedside table, took his medication, then changed into his pajamas.
Turning off the light, he crawled under the freezing cold duvet, then turned to stare at his wife’s pillow.
It still held its shape from when her body had been lifted out of their bed, that morning.
He swallowed again.
“I must admit… I am in a lot of pain…” Twilight whispered into the room. “Yet in some way, I am happy you died before me… I don’t wish this pain on anyone.”
He laid his palm flat on the soft sheets, running his fingers over the smooth fabric.
“I know you wouldn’t have wished this on me, either. You were the most caring person I’ve ever met.”
His fingertips brushed over something. Picking it up, he found a single strand of long, gray hair.
His chest was unbearably painful.
“I really hope I won’t have to live much longer after this…”
His fingers clenched in the sheets.
“I miss you.” His breathing was getting uneven. “I wish you were here with me.”
Moving over to her side of the bed, hugging her side of the duvet, he hid his face in her pillow.
“Losing you is excruciating…”
Reaching over to her jewelry tray, he picked up her wedding ring. He held onto it as if it would disappear, pressing his lips to the smooth, cool metal.
“I miss you, Yor.”
—
Yuri wept throughout the funeral and the wake, obviously in immense pain.
Twilight could more than relate. Despite that, he didn’t cry.
Instead, he found himself relieved by the youngest of his grandchildren demanding his attention, a pair of twins who were simply too young to know better.
He smiled reassuringly at Anya before she could scold them for being too energetic for the occasion.
The kids are lively, he mused as his youngest granddaughter crawled up on his lap, her brother standing next to his chair. It’s nice, at least. Yor always loved to spoil them.
“Grandpa?” A little hand tugged on his shirt’s collar. “Can I ask a question?”
“Of course,” he smiled down at a pink haired girl, who looked so much like Anya had at that age. “What is on your mind?”
“When is grandma coming? I wanna play with her.”
A sharp pain surged through his chest at the question.
“Your grandmother has passed away, unfortunately. She won’t be coming.”
Big, ocean green eyes looked up at him with bewilderment.
“What does ‘pass away’ mean?”
The former spy modeled his face to power through the conversation.
“It means she has fallen asleep and won’t wake up. We’re here today to say goodbye and remember what a wonderful person she was.”
“Huh…” Her little eyebrows furrowed in confusion and frustration. “I don’t wanna say goodbye to her. I wanna eat the yummy stew she makes!”
It was not lost on him that the older two of his four grandchildren, the ones that had already reached their teenage years, lowered their heads as they were reminded of fond memories of their grandmother.
Yor never got much better at cooking… But she never failed when making that stew. We had many, many wonderful dinners eating together as a family.
“Me too…” Twilight swallowed thickly. “I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye to her, either.”
“Grandpa?” The boy next to him tugged on his sleeve to get his attention.
“Yes, dear?” He did his best to give his young grandson a comforting smile.
“Are you sad?”
The smile faltered a bit.
“I am, yes.” He stroked the child’s soft cheek gently. “I miss your grandmother immensely.”
“Oh…” The boy was evidently trying to figure out what to do, then reached his little arms up for a hug. “I’m sorry you’re sad… I feel sad, too…”
“It’s okay,” he whispered, hugging the young twins to him tightly. “Her memory is a blessing. We will always have that.”
—
After that, Twilight’s days blurred together. He held onto his wife’s wedding ring every night before he fell asleep.
His only true relief from his grief came during time spent with his family.
It’s selfish, because I know how much they’ll miss me… He waved goodbye to his grandchildren, two teenagers holding the hands of two much younger siblings as they walked down the street to get to the bus stop. But I hope I will be allowed to fall asleep and not wake up soon, too.
Sighing, he closed the front door, walking to sit in the armchair his wife had usually occupied in their living room.
I’m tired…
Picking up a photo album, he held it in his lap and stared at it for a few long moments.
Well, I’ll spend as much time with my family as their schedule and my remaining lifespan will permit… I have lived a good life, but it has been a long one, now…
Sighing again, he opened up the photo album, smiling sadly the reminders of the many years spent with his wife.
—
And then one morning, Twilight opened his eyes to a bright, sunny sky and birds singing outside the bedroom window.
I am going to die tonight.
How he knew, he didn’t know. But he knew it was his time, finally.
He breathed in deeply, the first truly satisfying breath he had taken since his wife’s passing.
I have looked forward to this… I should see if I can visit Anya today. I want to spend one last day with her and the kids. I’ll bring something tasty for them too, since it’ll be the last time I see them. I have enough ingredients to bake a few different things…
Turning to look at his wife’s bedside table, her wedding ring and earrings sparkled on the jewelry tray, making him smile a little.
I should also give our daughter Yor’s jewelry. I don’t think I’ll need her ring to fall asleep tonight.
Moving to sit up, he stretched, feeling his joints crackling from the movement.
The home carers are scheduled to come clean tomorrow morning. That is perfect timing, I won’t have to think about how my family will discover my death.
“It’s a beautiful day…” Twilight took his medication, and then took a moment to soak up the sun’s rays through the bedroom window. “It’s a good day to die.”
Getting up, he got ready for his last day, musing about which type of baked goods to bring to his daughter’s home.
—
“Woah, this is so tasty, grandpa!” The twins both looked up at him with big, bright eyes, speaking in unison with their faces covered in crumbs. “You’re amazing!!”
“Thank you,” he replied fondly. “Your kind words make me very happy.”
“It is beyond delicious,” his older granddaughter said, swallowing another bite of one of the many cakes he had brought with him. “You outdid yourself. And you really baked all of these just this morning?”
It’ll be the last time I bake for you, so I decided I might as well bake as much as I could.
“A little planning and time management goes a long way when baking and cooking,” he answered, taking another sip of his tea. “It’s no trouble.”
“Yeah, still…” Anya said quietly, having locked her eyes on her father the entire time. “You should preserve your time and energy, with your age and all…”
I have no need to preserve my time and energy any longer. I’m ready for my death.
“All the time and energy I have spent in the kitchen is worth it, as long as I get to see my family enjoy themselves.” Twilight gave his daughter a reassuring smile, reaching over the table to put his warm palm over her cold fingers. “I treasure every memory of eating a tasty meal with you.”
“Yeah…” Anya looked like she could barely contain her tears. “I treasure those memories, too…”
Observing her for a moment, having never figured out how his daughter was so immensely perceptive, he failed to find the source of her pain.
“Can we have more cakes?” Two young voices interrupted his analysis. “Please?”
“Only if you promise to brush your teeth well,” the former spy said with a fond, amused expression, turning to face his grandchildren again. “I wouldn’t want you to get cavities just because I can’t resist spoiling you.”
“Okay, we promise!”
—
When it was time to leave, Anya went outside with her father, closing the front door behind her.
She observed him silently for a long moment, her ocean green eyes illuminated by the front yard’s lights.
“Is anything on your mind?” Twilight asked, putting his hand on her shivering shoulder, squeezing it gently. “You seem pained.”
“I just… I’ll just say… I’m so grateful you were the one who adopted me, all those years ago…” The pink hair, once a solid color, now streaked with the occasional white locks, swayed in the warm, evening breeze. “You and mom were amazing parents.”
Most certainly I could have done a better job in the beginning, but I’m happy I managed to make up for it after I decided to stay with my wife and daughter.
“I’m grateful I found you that day, too,” the former spy said. “Everything changed the day you became mine.”
His daughter visibly swallowed, her shoulders shrinking.
“But I don’t think that’s what you actually wanted to say to me,” he continued. “Pent for your thoughts?”
“I just can’t stop thinking about how much I’ll miss you when you die,” she whispered, her voice breaking just a bit. “It was excruciating to lose mom… But at least I still had you.”
Glancing at the house, Twilight caught a glimpse of a teenage-sized figure dragging two child-sized figures away from the window to give them privacy.
“Ah, I see,” he soothed gently, pulling his daughter in for a hug. “I’m sorry I can’t take that away from you. I know mourning is a painful part of life.”
“Yeah,” she sniffled into his shoulder, clinging tightly to him. “Yeah, it-it’s really painful…”
“You’ll be okay, though.” Carding his fingers through her hair with one hand, he stroked her spine through her shirt with the other. “I watched you grow into an amazing woman. I know you’ll be okay.”
“I love you.” His daughter inhaled sharply. “T-thank you for being my dad…”
“I love you too.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “Thank you for being my daughter.”
Standing for a long moment, Twilight remembered something.
“I enjoyed spending time with you and the kids so much I forgot to give you this.” Reaching into the pocket of his jacket, he pulled out a small box. “I decided you should have these.”
“Oh…?” Anya held the box as if it would disappear for a moment before opening it, then was frozen in place. “Mom’s earrings and your wedding rings?”
“Yes,” he smiled warmly, tracing over his right hand’s ring finger, feeling the odd sensation of not wearing his ring. “Hopefully one day, you’ll pass them down to your children, too.”
“Will you hold this for a moment?” She handed him back the little box, then moved to take off her own earrings, putting her mother’s earrings on instead. “Thank you. I will take good care of them.”
“I know you will.” He put her earrings in the jewelry box and gave it to her again, then brushed her hair behind her ears. “They suit you.”
“Heh. Again, thanks dad.”
“You’re welcome.” Twilight took a deep breath of the fresh evening air. “I should be going soon, though. I’m sure the twins want their mother to tuck them in.”
“Can I ask for one last hug?” Anya whispered, starting to shiver again. “Your hugs were always so warm and comforting…”
“Of course.” He gave her another tight hug. “I love you, Anya. Take good care of yourself and the kids.”
“I will…” She hid her face in his shoulder. “I love you too…”
Savoring the last hug with his daughter, Twilight smiled and waved to her as long as he could as he walked down the street, somehow getting the feeling she knew it was their last hug, too.
—
Entering his home, Twilight felt light and easy. He took a shower before changing into his pajamas, his joints somehow feeling less painful than usual.
“It’s a good day to die…” He took his medication as always, then crawled into his wife’s side of the bed. “It was a good day, spent with my family… As the end of a long life, dedicated to my family…” He felt himself smiling, running his fingers over the smooth sheets. “My life before them was by no means easy, but once I found my wife and daughter… Everything leading up to them was worth it.”
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.
Yes… Yor and Anya made everything worth it.
Twilight exhaled deeply, for the last time, passing away peacefully.