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“It is said that civilization began with fire. Through some accident, or perhaps through the very first example of scientific guesswork, Man created the very first bonfire. Although the exact method of its construction may have been lost to time, the fire itself has not.”
With a smile and a gesture, Emporio deftly directed attention toward the foreground. As if out of nowhere, a massive glass display appeared, holding a smoldering pile of wood atop an elaborately constructed stone altar veined with red. He continued his introduction.
“Truly, fire is what separated man from beast in those beginning moments, and to tell the truth, it still does. At 5 AM every day, we have to feed that damned thing or else human evolution will regress a couple hundred thousand generations. But as long as it remains burning, it’s mostly harmless, as are most of the other artifacts contained within this complex. Now on behalf of the board, I welcome you all to the Museum of Apocalyptic Contrivances, and on behalf of the insurance companies, I would also like to remind you all not to wander off of the defined paths, as prolonged exposure to said Contrivances has rendered this facility itself one, and if you die here nobody will remember your names.”
With finishing his speech, the crow profiled man bowed and disappeared, and our teacher took the stage to do a few last minute checks before setting us all loose on the facility. Strength in numbers taking a second seat to personal preference, students were free to go off on their own groups if they didn’t feel like taking the predetermined tour. Being one to never betray the squad, I met up with my friends Jahn and John to go peruse the facility at our leisure.
Jahn was the first to speak up once we got away from the crowd. “I hear that this is the largest depository of publicly viewable world ending items in the world-”
I cut in. “You mean the largest publicly viewable depository of civilization ending items. That runic bonfire back there wasn’t anything that will scorch this place up any more than humanity itself has. Now that I think about it, it might even save the world a bit…”
“Nobody really cares what you think, Juhn.” John retorted. “Besides, there are some things here which could probably break the world itself if they were ever used. Aren’t those the Seven Trumps of Armageddon over there?”
Jahn brooded over the conversation being wrested from his hands not soon after beginning it. “Yeah, but I doubt that they work. I mean, how would they even know that those things are what they say they are without testing them? And if they did test them, wouldn’t we not be here to look at them?“
“I mean, not necessarily…”
My thoughts of the potential implications of what I had just said were slightly deadened by John’s proclamation that there was in fact a certificate of authenticity attached to the display case which was jointly signed by The Father, The Son, and They Holy Spirit, along with a photo of Gabriel the Herald alongside Empirio.
Jahn still wasn’t backing down though. A potentially interesting quandary had been raised, and like all teenage neckbeards, he was willing to defend his stance to his dying breath.
“That doesn’t mean that they’re legit. The photo and the certificate could be faked. I mean we don’t even have concrete evidence that God exi-”
Thankfully for him, John had noticed the suddenly gathering storm clouds above and shut him up before he did something that he wouldn’t have had the time to regret. This failed to reduce Jahn’s impassioned search for something to prove his point though.
“Ok, that’s one set of artifacts which… look... legitimate. But what about that thing over there? A ‘Scantron Reality Anchor’ which ‘anchors reality to protect against the otherworldly attacks of Quickletzical the Impeder?’ Who the Hell even is ‘Quickletzical the Impeder’? It sounds like something an eighth grader made up in their obligatory edgy phase. Looks like something built by one, too...”
“One must not underestimate the mental constructs of eighth graders. A third of the total Contrivances in that section were thought up by eighth graders, but that makes them no less sinister. Truly, when one thinks on it, these can actually be considered the most sinister class of contrivance of them all...”
As one would think, this type of conversation was not foreign to the museum we had entered. Typically, at least one group per visit would think along these lines, and so it became a kind of sport for staff to latch on to and harass the groups which hosted it. We had had the immense luck to have not just attracted any staff, but it’s proprietor, Empirio.
“For example, take that Japanese kid over there with a bunch of bandages on his arm. We still have no clue why, but if we ever let them come off, everything within a certain distance immediately starts burning. So, naturally, we encased him in Epoxy and set him on a pedestal so that he can be viewed safely.“
The sudden arrival of someone prepared to argue put a stop to Jahn’s argument, but sensing the vacuum, John picked up the slack.
“But if eighth graders are capable of literally ending the world, then why hasn’t some especially emo kid done us in already?”
“Typically, if anyone possesses a strong enough distaste of humanity to try, they usually either turn to guns or kill themselves first. Sometimes they even do both at the same time…”
Again feeling convicted by the choice of subject, I used my ability to walk away at any time to steer the conversation from topical societal commentary to existentialist philosopher bait by steering the group towards the physics breaking items section. Emporio didn’t miss a beat.
“Ahh… Yes, my favorite section in the museum. I have no idea why, but for some reason these items call to me. There’s just some odd majesty or something about it, something about the objects which is extraordinarily elegant. For example, take that belt over there. On first glance, it looks like an ordinary belt, but upon further inspection you can see that it’s a reality bending artifact imbued with power from Ixyphas the Suicider. When it’s out in the open, anything in close proximity to it will vibrate intensely at odd frequencies, and close proximity varies from half a meter to fifteen au depending on the phase of the moon. No wonder why Epstein broke his neck in such an odd way while hanging himself.“
“...but wasn’t Epstein murd-”
“And look at this self sustaining vacuum! It’s amazing that something so simple could be so detrimental to life if we didn’t contain it. And what about this vibrator that vibrates at the resonant frequency of the universe! Everything in this section is something like that which could destroy everything for humanity at any moment, and yet every single one of them is no different from any normal object except by the virtue that they shouldn’t be able to exist! Isn’t that crazy?”
In the presence of such unbridled enthusiasm about something so strange, there is possibly only one adequate reaction, that being stunned silence. Being entirely adequate people, John, Jahn and I were quick to adopt this and its only reasonable subsequent action, that being to back away slowly and walk off when you’ve gone far enough away that it is no longer awkward to do so. Acting thusly, my entourage found itself in the “wards against and shrines to apocalyptic deities” sector, where Jahn proceeded to being the argument anew with what he had on hand.
“Come on, this can’t be legit. I mean, a deity who can only be summoned by opening up a cardboard box, but opening the box is supposed to have a fifty fifty shot of killing him? Did they just run out of ideas, and say ‘you know what, let’s put a cardboard box on display and make up some backstory for it, and tell people that it could potentially destroy humanity’.This can’t be serious...”
For once, I found that I had to agree. “I’m afraid that I must admit that you have a point, Jahn. I can see no way any depository of this type could verify this thing. That, coupled with the fact that the box isn’t even put under a protective display case inside of a publicly accessible museum is almost definitive proof that it can’t be real...”
John piped in. “How so?”
“Well, it can supposedly end the world if someone touches it, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And where it is anyone who comes here can touch it, right?”
“Yeah…”
“And the world’s still spinning, last I checked.”
John took a bit to think this over before giving a reply.
“Doesn’t that mean that none of the last five artifacts which didn’t have cases also can be considered fake?”
The pause was unexpected, but then again, so was the statement which John had made so candidly.
“Wait…… There were other ones which weren’t inside of cases?”
This sudden realisation hit Jahn like a sack of bricks which was falling in the direction of the last display without a case, an “infinite water pitcher” in the “physics defying items” section. Empirio happened to be sitting by it, so as we rolled up, he struck up another conversation.
“Ahh, yes, the infinite water pitcher. Could solve the world’s potable water problem, if only the pressure didn’t increase as much time as went on. I mean, just leave it pouring idle for half a minute and it slices bullet proof glass, to say nothing of the torent it releases after half an hour…”
The existence of Emporio in such proximity to the scrutinized device was cause for John and I to collect ourselves. John collected himself faster, so he got to ask the obvious question first.
“But Mr. Proprietor, if it’s such a dangerous contrivance, then why do you put it on display with such lax security? Shouldn’t you put a glass case or some other containment device around it just to make sure nobody activates it accidentally?”
Emporio smiled a bit before answering.
“Have you ever considered that maybe we put them out like that just so that we can get people to ask that very question?”
It made no sense.
“That makes no sense, Mr. Proprietor. Why would you ever want to do that? ”
Emporio’s smile deepened even further before he expounded.
“Remember my opening line about feeding the fire every day to stave off the end of civilization? Well, there are many other Contrivances like that which we store here: at certain times, we have to give them things or else they destroy everything. What we give them depends on the thing itself; sometimes, we even have to give them people. This facility is one of those Contrivances - and this is one of those times.”
It was at this time that I noticed the sudden absence of both Jahn and the pitcher. The implications were very clear.
Again, John shot first. “Well, you have to pick sacrifices some way or another. Seems like a good enough way to do so considering the circumstances. I just hope he doesn’t do anything rash before he gets consumed. Say, does it seem a bit cold to you?”
Now that he mentioned it, it did seem a bit cold.
“I suppose. Say, John, have your arms always been that long and hairy?”