Chapter Text
It's not that there's anything wrong with Jamie Potter, it's that there's nothing wrong with her, and that's just unnatural.
Regulus doesn't trust it, no matter how much Evan and Barty tease her about her ‘crush’ (which is ridiculous, by the way, hate staring is a thing, people, and it's cost Regulus half her marks already) and she is determined to figure out the catch.
The issue is, every time she thinks she's gotten close, like when after their team’s won a match and Jamie was across the field laughing abundantly, which would be considered charming by some in a certain contexts but here it was all asocial because it totally isolated Sirius from the rest of the team who'd maybe been psyching themselves up to talk to him and use the match as their excuse and only talking point, and in school it was just different and so really Jamie doubling over laughing was rude and socially ignorant.
Anyway, she eventually started looking around searching for someone, so Regulus was internally celebrating finding this evidence that she was totally fake and secretly manipulative and evil when Jamie's gaze found hers and grinned again, ear to ear.
In her most baffling move yet Jamie had run up to her and stopped short, as if remembering the last time she'd attempted a victory hug being shoved off by Regulus and her telling her not to touch her. Or something. But she was probably just silently judging her deodorant, because it must be inferior somehow to her happy floral teddybears fresh from a wash floating by on a pastel vanilla cloud that prevailed even after a brutal match, or whatever.
“Good play there, passing to Evans,” Jamie smiled. Of course, Evans being the girl Jamie has famously has held out a candle for for years, which was clear to Regulus even before she’d landed in Jamie and Sirius’ year. Evans and Potter weren't friends, but the pining wasn't hard to spot at all, which only makes it stranger that Regulus can't seem to crack the case of Jamie now.
Especially seeing she's just used her crush to rub Regulus’ face into the fact she's not a good runner.
“Yeah, well, you were yelling it at me while you were red and sweaty. You look a proper fright in the middle of a match, Potter.”
Jamie laughed. What kind of sick game is this? “I'll keep that in mind if it made you listen to me for the first time.”
“That's because you actually made an okay call for once.”
“A compliment from you? My, I'll just have to keep it up and we might just make it to nationals.” Jamie said, eyes still sparkling from celebrating with Siirius.
“Are you saying you've been holding back? Cause I'll talk to Coach for you if you're not feeling up for captain anymore.”
“Nah. I've actually had a new source of motivation recently. It'd be a shame to quit now,” Jamie says with a conspiratorial look in her eye like they're sharing an inside joke Regulus herself is not privy to, before running back to Sirius. It's not much of a feud or even a competition, since Jamie has held the title of team captain for longer than Regulus has even been in their class, having skipped a year two years back, but it's no secret that Regulus (more specifically her parents) are vying for it like it holds the key to getting into a university she’d already get into with her grades and the building with the Black name on it.
Regulus certainly isn’t their best player, but her evading technique keeps her far from the bottom of the list. She doesn’t know that she’s been upping her game lately, but it must be so if Jamie is willing to joke about it motivating her. Maybe Jamie has cracked and is finally committing fully to being the golden girl protagonist in her own sports movie, Regulus hypotheses as she walks to her own friends, leaning on and surely bending the fence. Oh well, Regulus figures, finishing her thought. She’ll willingly accept the role of snarky villain if it gets her closer to the girl walking off the field with her arm slung over Sirius’ shoulders, somehow laughing abundantly again. Seriously, what is up with that?
*
In all her predictions of what kind of person Jamie secretly could be, Regulus wouldn’t have guessed she’d use guerilla war tactics to trip Regulus up. But there she was, and there it was: an ambush.
“Hiding out?” she asks, holding onto the sling of her sports bag and looking casually energetic as always, the type of person to be ready for long jump at the Olympics in Maths class.
Regulus looks back down to next week's English homework, hiding her bored doodles in the margins with her hand. “Studying, actually. You should try it”
Jamie laughs, and hides the scorn really well. “I might, now that you mention it,” she says, sitting down opposite Regulus and unpacking her books. Regulus is too stunned to speak for a moment.
“What are you doing?”
“Economics.” When she looks up and meets Regulus’ unschooled face of confusion she huffs. “I know, I know, it’s next period. But I’ve been training so much I barely have time to study! And at least McGonagall is easier on us than Slughorn. I stayed up half the night trying to get through that stupid assigned reading.”
“Because of your dyslexia?” Regulus asks without her brain consulting her. But she can be forgiven. Really, her comfort zone has just been ripped from her grasp. She’s had this particular corner of the school library to herself ever since she found it last year, and up until now had never had someone other than Evan join her.
For her part, Jamie barely looks fazed. “That, the ADHD, and that it’s just such a sludge to get through. I’m medicated, but it’ll take a miracle to get me reading about some wide receiver in a cornfield. The words just go all.” She waves a hand in front of her face.
“You could try audiobooks,” Regulus suggests. “Words don’t swim on the page if there’s no page.”
“Huh.” Jamie considers this. “Do you reckon that’d still count?”
Regulus nods mildly. “I wouldn’t tell Slughorn, but what he thinks is irrelevant. It’s about your comprehension and analysis of the text, not if you tortured yourself reading it.”
Jamie pulls an upside down frown. “Suppose I’ll give that a go. Are those around here?”
That’s how Regulus ends up showing Jamie Potter to the polite little shelf of audiobooks in their school library and, when it turns out Catcher in the Rye is not available, dipping to the local library around the corner together. They have a gap lesson in their shared schedule, so the alternative would’ve been Regulus sitting bored pretending to an audience of none to do her work, occasionally bothering her only two friends with texts while they’re in class. Going to the library with her arch nemesis is the better alternative, even if she does end up with a heavier bag full of books she can’t resist picking up and a few movies Jamie has rather strong reactions to Regulus absently mentioning she’s never seen them.
“She’s the man? Bend it like Beckam? Christ, The Damned United?” Regulus shrugs and shakes her head. “And you call yourself a footballer,” Jamie says in a disapproving low voice, like it’s really meant to sting. Strangely, it kind of does.
“I’ve never much got into movies and tv. Seems like a waste of time.”
Jamie frowns, confused. “What were you doing instead?”
“Studying,” Regulus states, raising a brow.
“Well, clearly you’ve missed out on a lot of development as a person. It’s a wonder you’re able to function in modern society.” Regulus, offended, (obviously!), is about to defend herself when Jamie snatches the movie she’d asked about, a fatal mistake, in hindsight. “Luckily,” Jamie continues as she rifles through and academically picks out a stack of movies that she then deposits in Regulus’ hands. “You’ve got me now,” she says, with a toothy grin that both draws Regulus in with its gravitational forces and makes her want to step back, an instinct to get away from something that’s simply too bright.
“I’m not watching all of these,” she says instead of doing either.
“You’re right,” Jamie says, already walking away. Over her shoulder, she finishes her sentence. “We are.”
**
She could call them recon missions. Or research, if she wants to be academic about it. Maybe even multipurpose trips; a way to find out more on the enigma that is Jamie Potter so she can finally stop wasting time thinking about her, and a reason to get away from the noisy Slytherin dorms for a few hours. But the main thing movie nights end up being is fun. Regulus decides to allow herself this liberty, because sod it, it’s not like James Bond is all business either (she’s found she likes those movies, God help her).
And far as the re-con goes, she’s crushing it, learning more about Jamie each day, which is only helped by Jamie coming up to her for quick chats whenever they meet in the hallways. Sometimes they’ll spend short breaks together, whenever Sirius isn’t around. After they talk, Regulus is never any closer to figuring out just what Jamie’s deal is, but she finds herself becoming less bothered about finding ulterior motives and more just cataloging observations on her life as they come.
She knows her room is a hurricane and likely has remained that for however long she’s lived in this particular dorm room, judging by the neon yellow shirt Regulus remembers wincing at during intro week on the bottom of a pile of clothes, even though Jamie swears to all hell she does a deep clean every other month.
She’s learned Jamie has an encyclopedic knowledge of the Spiderman movies mythos (every reboot, every single one) and will happily abandon any other conversation to talk about it for an hour. (Regulus also learns she can be interested in superhero movies as long as Jamie is the one telling her about them.)
The last thing she learns is a bit distressing. She finds this out at an unfortunate time, too, after Jamie’s stopped by to confirm next Wednesday’s movie night and run off again, hair bobbing in a ponytail, struggling to be contained by a martyred red hair tie.
“Is she always in a hurry? I feel like so often she’s running somewhere,” Evan remarks.
“She’s got bandpractise but she’s coming from Algebra in the B building. Ridiculous they won’t let her go earlier, she hates being late,” Regulus answers, aiming her bottle cap for the trash. Last time she did it too high and landed it on top of the can, which is worth a few pity points, but she really wants to beat Barty’s record of 60 points today.
“She’s in band? What’s she do?” Evan asks.
“Flute,” Regulus answers absently, passing the cap between her fingers, waiting for a group of friends to pass by. “She’d wanted to do tuba, but they already had someone for that.” She gears up again and is about to launch the cap when-
“You so like her,” Barty teases.
The bottle cap makes a light tink against the trash can, square in the middle of its body. She groans at Barty’s interference. “Not this again. Where’d you even get that from, it’s ridiculous!” Regulus defends, feeling a flush creep up her face and willing it away.
“Is it, ma sewer ? I used to be a dick about it just for laughs, but the way you look at her now...” He lets his voice trail off high pitched with doubt.
Regulus, exasperated, looks to Evan, hoping he’ll fill in for his boyfriend’s missing voice of sanity. “Help.”
“I don’t know,” Evan the traitor says, “He’s not doing French right, but… you have been spending a lot of time with her.”
“And you know her schedule. You don’t even know my schedule,” Barty pouts.
Regulus frowns irritably. “I do.”
“What do I have after next?”
She doesn’t have to think about it. “You and Evan are going to skip it to make out at his.”
Barty’s shoulders sag. “That’s cheating, we do that so much.”
“Look, if you’re saying you still don’t like her…” Evan mediates.
“I don’t,” Regulus answers reflexively, and finds herself feeling like she’s told a lie. “Or, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway. She’s Sirius’s best friend, and I know she’s hiding something. I’m protecting my brother, that’s all.”
Evan shrugs. “If you say so.”
“I do.”
“Do you reckon they fancy each other, then? Is that it?” Evan suggests.
“What? No! Both of them have been out as gay since we were fourteen.”
Evan’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really? Huh. I figured maybe that’s why you’re so obsessed with her being a secret agent.”
“Well, no. It’s definitely not that,” Regulus says as she retrieves the bottle cap and throws it, with a bit more pointed aggression this time. After rebounding against the side of the opening, it lands perfectly balanced on the edge. Barty jumps up and hollers praises of Slytherin house and Evan grins with wide eyes and claps her on the back.
“Nice, mate, 20 points.”
Regulus cracks a proud little smile at her friends, but her gaze lingers on the bottle, perched primly on the edge.
***
It takes her a week to bring it up. She’s not gathering courage, or anything like that. She’s just… been… thinking about it. Haunted by it. Afraid to bring it up. Thinking of ways to. Yes, alright, she might’ve been gathering courage. In the end it’s not quite courage but hubris that has her asking the question.
It’s a Wednesday, the day they’ve silently established as movie night a month steady. They’re watching something Regulus picked for the first time, since she read about it in an article, something Jamie hasn’t stopped teasing her about since; “ What English teenager reads The New York Times !” Regulus would take more offense if Jamie’s teasing wasn’t delivered with sparkling (fond? how does one fake fond eyes, Regulus keeps meaning to ask her that since she herself has never quite managed it) eyes and that bright smile that could bring cities to ruin and trees to bow to allow for sun on her face (Regulus has seen this happen, she swears, there was no wind or anything).
Anyway, the movie they chose ends up not even mattering since Regulus sees more of the side of Jamie’s face than the first half of the movie.
“Have I got something?” She asks when she notices Regulus looking, wiping at her mouth.
Regulus, head boiling, speaks without thinking. “No. You’re not in love with my brother, are you?” She winces as soon as it leaves her mouth.
Jamie’s hands freeze on her face. “What?”
“I was just,” she stumbles, heart beating quite loud under Jamie’s scrutiny. Suddenly, she doesn’t quite remember why she’s been so curious about who Jamie likes. She turns back to the small but bulky TV Jamie has propped up on some school books on her bedside table, hoping to get rid of the situation as soon as she’s caused it, like waking up from a nightmare that’s barely kicked off. “Nevermind. I was just wondering.” She shifts against the wall, bedsprings complaining about it in the tensioned silence.
To both her mortification and immense relief, Jamie breaks out in a laugh. After a few seconds Regulus starts getting a bit peeved.
She huffs and crosses her arms. “It’s not that funny.”
“Me and Sirius, oh God, can you imagine,” Jamie says in between gulps of air, doubled over.
“You’re together all the time! It’s like you’re glued together.”
That has Jamie calming down bit by bit until she’s stopped laughing all together, though now she’s eyeing Regulus more intently, like she’s reading something Regulus isn’t trying to show. “Hold on, are you asking because you’re… jealous?”
“What? No! Of course not!” She tightens her arms against her chest.
“Then why ask?”
“I said. I was just wondering.”
Jamie keeps looking at her strangely. “I do hope you know you’re not any kind of replacement for him. I even ditch him sometimes to go talk to you at school, and he’s fine with that, even tells me to go. I’m saying I don’t see you as the same, if that’s something you’re worried about.”
“It’s not. I’m not worried,” Regulus reassures, softer than before. She finds it’s the truth. Despite all her own false pretenses in their hanging out, she’s never found much fault in Jamie’s motivations, and not for a lack of over analyzation. For all it’s worth, she seems to genuinely appreciate Regulus’ company, even her snarky commentary throughout the movies they watch.
“Good,” Jamie says, and turns back to the movie. After a few minutes, she repeats herself, still facing the tv. “Good, because… Well, I like you.”
Regulus supposes it’s sweet of Jamie to reassure her of this, but it only really serves to make her feel like the tendrils of guilt are wrapping around her middle. For the first time she lets herself wonder if what she’s doing -pretending to be somebody’s friend in the name of research- is the most moral pursuit. “I know,” Regulus answers. “You’re alright too, Potter.” She finds, unfortunately, that she means that.
Jamie, perhaps sensing her inner turmoil, timidly slides her hand between them, palm facing up, eyes still glued to the tiny screen. Regulus, after taking a second to fruitlessly attempt to slow her suddenly erratic heartbeat, slots their hands together. They stay like that for the duration of the movie, hands joined in the little well between them, and Regulus wonders if this is what all friendships between girls feel like, and half-regrets being such an asocial bitch her entire life. She feels on top of the world.
****
Their teamwork on the field improves massively. It turns out not refusing to pass to the best shooting teammate who is waving for a pass because you’re generally untrusting of her really helps with scoring. It also helps with getting claps on the back after the match instead of glares.
By now Regulus is quite satisfied Jamie isn’t evil, which has a surprisingly positive effect on her life. Besides being relieved of glaring every time their eyes meet and feeling a weight of antipathy lifted off her spirit or whatever, she no longer needs an excuse to walk up to Jamie after today’s match and give her a hug, which the other girl, after a moment of shock, reciprocates enthusiastically.
“Hey, we’re all going out to Nando’s to celebrate, you should come with us,” she suggests, her arm still slung over Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus briefly glances over to Sirius, also in the cluster of a group and already looking back. He’s wearing a quieter demeanor than she’s ever seen him with, even when things got bad back home. Like he’s cautious to hope. He pulls a tight smile.
“Yeah, I’ll come with you,” Regulus tells Jamie, who just grins wider and pulls her along, though she definitely noticed that exchange. Once the dam broke that one night, Regulus has only found herself appreciating Jamie more.
A few hours later she finds herself waiting in line for the bathroom and breaching cognitive dissonance in order to grasp that ‘celebrating at Nando’s’, a ritual she’s avoided for years, is… nice. By some combination of riding the high of a win and being in a situation where there’s no math involved except a bill, talking goes easier somehow. Jamie’s has been a solid and warm presence beside her all night, which has no doubt been the biggest help to Regulus’ comfort. Then, of course there is the awkward addition of-
“Oh. Hi. Occupied, is it?” Sirius asks, pointing at the bathroom door, in this moment more subdued than he’s been all night with the rest of the team. Shit, this is going to be painful.
“I wouldn’t be out here for a laugh,” Regulus responds, aiming for playful but ending up wincing.
Sirius just hums and leans against the opposite wall.
“So,” Sirius starts, eyeing his bowling alley looking shoes. “You know what uni you’re going to?”
Regulus takes a deep breath. A loaded topic to start on, but it beats silence. “Same as it’s always been.”
“Cambridge?” he asks disbelievingly. From the corner of her eye she sees him look up.
“I’ve always been going to Cambridge,” Regulus reminds him. Their parents had never been exactly subtle about their plans for the future.
“I know. But what uni are you going to?”
She feels the foreign urge to fight him. To defend their parents, to pick a side. But she knows there’s no winner.
She shrugs. “Been thinking of Bristol.”
“Serious?”
The quick response finally makes her look up. “What?”
“ I’m thinking of Bristol,” Sirius says, excited.
“Well, there’s only so many in a country, there was bound to be overlap,” Regulus says measuredly, out of her depth near a Nando’s bathroom. “And with their entrance exam, it’s statistically not likely we’ll both even get in.”
“So you’re applying?”
Regulus can’t help a smile. “Sure, whatever.” Sirius beams.
“Jamie’s applying for Bristol too, you know,” he says after a moment. His words are lilted like he’s teasing her about having a friend. Now, that’s the brother Regulus remembers.
“I know.” The various flyers from their open day on her walls are hard to miss.
“They do advise you not to apply somewhere just because your girlfriend’s going.”
Regulus blinks. “Girlfriend?”
“Oh, shit, was I not supposed to know?” Sirius winces. “She told me, I thought it was out-”
“Jamie said that I was- that we’re together?” The wood of the hallway and the world start spinning around her in a dizzying swirl of confusion and identifiable emotions.
“Yeah?” Sirius looks confused now too. “Are you alright?” He pushes himself off the wall, concerned, but Regulus is already moving away.
“No, I mean, everything’s fine, just leave it,” she rushes out as she makes for the exit. Not the most mature response, she’ll admit, but it’s only the thought of fresh air that gives her hope of not throwing up the combo deal fries she’s been picking at all night.
The night is cold and starts affecting her upper arms almost immediately (she’s always been coldblooded), so she wraps her arms around herself and tries to hold herself together.
Jamie, the girl she’s been passively, then, as of recently, actively antagonizing like all hell, has turned out to be a nice girl patient enough to be her friend. Jamie, her friend Jamie, Sirius’ Jamie- and oh God, Sirius seems so accepting of it, what is he going to think if Regulus admits she never meant for this to happen, when she betrays his best friend, what’s Jamie going to think- Jamie thinks they’re girlfriends?
Are they?
Is it legal to call something a relationship when one party isn’t aware?
Where would Jamie even have gotten this from? It’s not like they’ve ever kissed! Well, there was that one time Regulus asked Jamie for some of her lip balm and she applied it with her fingers and smiled and pecked her on the lips but that’s just girls’ friendships, right? And it was the intimacy of the platonic gesture that had made her cheeks burn. Right…?
Shit.
Regulus stands perfectly still in front of her dorm building, looking up at her window. Then, in the building to its right, at the window nicking the left corner of a corny Gryffindor house banner; Jamie’s window, a beacon into the night because that idiot must have forgotten to turn her light off this morning. She thinks this fondly. Regulus sighs deeply and heads for the playground around the corner, drops herself down on one of the swings, where she finally allows her world to stop spinning and just fully crash down around her.