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“Alia.”
Velma’s voice snaps them back to reality. They drop their hand from the door, and turn back to face the scholar from where she sat at her desk.
“I think we need to have a talk about your shadows.” She continues, leaning back and regarding them with… some expression Alia’s not keen enough to read.
“I know I slipped up in Mirage,” they respond, trying not to act like they’d just been accused of doing something wrong, which, really, they feel like they have. “But I’ve been keeping them under control since we met! And— and Ambrose spoke to you, didn’t he? Someone from Ravenwood spoke to you guys, and they said I—“
“You don’t have to defend yourself.”
They pause, almost jolting.
“Then why are you bringing this up?”
“Because, going out of control like that is distressing. ”
They don’t see the mist rising up behind them, but they do, at least, notice the tension in their shoulders— their failure then being that they simply don’t care about that.
“What’s distressing is losing Mellori! What’s distressing is that the options for the Spiral right now are either get destroyed, or get destroyed! What’s distressing is the fact that I’m—“
They notice, now, as the mist starts to swirl around them like a tornado. They slash their arm across themselves and stomp forward to try and cut through it.
“What’s distressing is the fact that it’s flaring up again and I have no off switch!”
“You have to calm down.”
“That’s what everyone says! I know that, it’s so easy to say it, isn’t it?! It’s so easy to tell someone to get themselves together when you have yourself together!”
They have to swat the flurry of darkness away like a swarm of flies at this point. It’s embarrassing and pathetic, but at least they’re not at the terrible point they were a couple days ago.
Velma waves her hand, then shoves something invisible and strong towards the other wizard. It feels like a violent breeze against them, but in an instant, the swarm is gone. Velma’s expression is strained, and the outstretched hand turns into a fist that she slams towards the ground.
They don’t feel the presence of their own shadows anymore, but the sense of chaos and things unseen is stronger in the room than it was a moment ago. Alia flinches, shocked out of their anger, at least enough to look towards Velma somewhat sheepishly.
“What did you— what did you do?”
“Overpowered it with my own. There’s wards all over this room to keep this stuff in here, so it’s… kind of like pouring a liquid into a glass until there’s no more room. Focused Shadowmancy is a little bit more powerful than accidental Shadowmancy, so it wasn’t impossible to dispel.”
They stay frozen where they are. Velma sighs, and stands, hand on her hip and head tilted in something akin to fond concern.
“Now, you’ve got a block! And I’m not gonna let you head off into that great big storm with a block. You’re the one other Shadowmancer I’ve met who has something of control.”
“What’s a… block?”
She hums at the question, then walks over, and promptly sits down on the carpet. She gestures for them to do the same, which they do.
“Let’s talk about magic. You like magic.”
“I… love it.”
“So, tell me how magic works. At a really basic level— explain it to me like you’d explain it to someone from earth.”
They know this is leading into something harder to talk about, but that doesn’t stop Alia from lighting up.
“Well, it’s like this… thing in the air, and you can feel it, and it… it moves and makes things for you if you know the right way to make it do those things.”
“It doesn’t do things by itself, right?”
“Right. It just sort of listens, and if you mess up, it won’t do anything at all.”
“Shadow isn’t like that. Everything is a command to it. Everything it sees can prompt a reaction. It doesn’t think, but it feels and it moves. ” A certain level of passion and fascination shone in her eyes, and she took a breath before continuing. “But it doesn’t see the world through its own eyes. It needs a window. Shadowmancers are that window. Our perception and our wants can influence how the shadows around us and inside us react.”
They didn’t respond for a minute, lowering their head as they thought back to the terror the shadows forced them to undergo after their fight with…
“Don’t judge me, but… When I defeated Morganthe and went back to Ravenwood, they were all over the place. I couldn’t control it, and it got so bad I infested Golem Court with its… shadow energy, I guess. It took a week to fully clear out. I was so scared after that, I locked myself in my dorm. They ran all over the place for months, I couldn’t move. Do you think I…”
“First of all, I’m never going to judge you. Secondly, that… does sound like it just became the monster you perceived it as. You didn’t think you could control it, and so it felt as though it was uncontrollable, and acted as such. You mentioned bargains?”
“Yeah.” They nodded, rocking slightly just once. “Stupid stuff. It didn’t seem to have a goal, so I started making deals like— if it stayed quiet long enough for me to go to class, I’d come back to my dorm and let it change the color of my bedsheets, or something stupid. Once I went to Polaris to investigate Bartleby’s illness, I got… a little braver with it. Stuff like asking it to attack for me and do it without being a total wildfire in exchange for twice as much mana as normal. It… worked. Has been working.”
Velma clicked her tongue, almost whistling. “That's actually a really impressive way to deal with it, I’ll be honest. It wants to be used, you wanted some peace, so you found a middle ground… but that still relies on a shaky alliance, and it’s still banking on your own emotions. Everyone has to deal with it differently, but I think I’ve found a general trick that's helped pretty much every method I’ve studied work a little smoother.”
“Which is…?”
“You won’t like it.”
“Tell me.”
“You have to communicate with it. With yourself.”
Alia groans. “More inner peace stuff?!”
“Not entirely. Listen, ok— for you, it lashes out the most when you freeze up and don’t know what to do, when your thoughts start racing with all the stuff you carry with you. When that happens, I imagine it’s so overwhelming you can’t even think. You aren’t perceiving things as they are anymore, so intensely and strongly that the shadows mistake that intensity for mortal danger so high you’re unable to even react.”
“I can’t not ever be upset for the rest of my life, and I can’t just take deep breaths, or count to ten, and be fine. I told you, that’s never worked. I wish it would!”
Velma makes a shaky gesture with her hand, grimacing. “Eh, no… I’ll be honest, if every time you felt upset, you shoved it along without having a chance to process or feel it, the shadows would be… well, they’d overflow the jar and blow the lid off.”
“But… right now the jar’s exploding all the time.”
“I’m getting to it— you need to find a way to let yourself feel those awful feelings, and understand them, without letting them take total control of you.”
“And… I do that how?”
“Let’s try this. Let’s… get through the block you have right now. Walk me through what was so frustrating about the situation with Mellori.”
“Isn’t it obvious?!“ They snap. Velma blinks.
“Alia, it’s for the exercise. Of course some stuff is obvious, but I have to hear it from you, and from your perspective, so that I can help you understand it. Just… humor me. I’m focused, I won’t let your shadows flare up.”
Their fists are sealed so tightly their knuckles are pure white, but they squeeze their eyes shut and nod.
“It’s not fair. No one in this whole situation cares about the Spiral at all. Spider doesn’t, Raven is willing to let it go even though I know she loves this place, or at least did— even Mellori is willing to let it collapse to get rid of Spider— and Mellori hates me, and she’s kidnapped now, and— there’s so much wrong! ”
“Ok. Let’s take this one thing at a time. You released Grandfather Spider by accident, didn’t you?”
“Yes!” They snap again, this time less in anger and more in… something else. “And maybe if I didn’t, maybe if I realized something was suspicious, he would have stayed there! Maybe all of his kids wouldn’t have caused so much distress around the whole cosmos! I just— it’s all my fault this is even happening, of course I have to fix it.”
“Would… guilty be a term to describe how that feels?”
“I… yeah. I think so.”
“But you also said this whole situation wasn’t fair. Fair for who?”
“Fair for everyone in the Spiral. I know this place isn’t perfect, but… on a whole, since the day I came here, I’ve always felt accepted . Like people actually liked me, like I belonged. It’s amazing here, I love it— I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t— and I know no one’s done anything wrong enough to deserve this, even if I have run into some nasty people.”
“A feeling of… let’s say, righteous anger?”
“I guess.”
“Would you say you feel guilty for letting Mellori get captured? Maybe frustrated she’s also not seeing things the way you are?”
“Yeah.”
“So… righteous anger at an unfair situation, guilt towards the release of Grandfather Spider, guilt towards what happened with Mellori, and frustration over the fact that you had a disagreement.”
“…Grief, too. I miss her. She was a nice friend.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
Silence fills the room for a moment, and the presence of unfamiliar shadows slowly drains— partially replaced by the presence of Alia’s own, but not overbearing, not unruly. They’re calm, even though they’re still thinking about all the things that made them swarm and snarl before.
“We can’t… science away our feelings, Alia. We can’t put them into neat little boxes and act like we understand exactly how they work, or what causes them. But when we don’t take the time to understand what we’re feeling at all, they can turn into real monsters.”
They don’t respond.
“The shadows can be scary, but they have more definition when you have some lights in the room. Just… try to remember that. You’ll get better at this.”
“Thanks.”
“Any time. Now go kick some butt out there— you’ve got a Spiral you love, and it needs that love in action.”
The Wizard takes a deep breath, and stands.
“I will. Stay safe in here.”
“The Arcanum shall remain steadfast in its duty as a watchful eye!”
They smile, turn, and open the door, stepping back out into the hall, and towards the next leg of their journey.