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Shadow hasn't been feeling at his best lately. Whether it was him underperforming at missions or failing to excel at things he used to, feelings of inadequacy have been occupying his mind.
It’s not like they did not accompany him before, they always had. On the day the ultimate life form was born was the day those expectations of perfection were instilled in him.
But he had always also been able to explain logically why they don't make sense, knowing that throwing negative types of remarks is pointless and only an obstacle to achieving his goals. He still believed them, but they were not hindering his life.
But lately, those feelings have intensified.
It started very small: burning the soup, having bad aim at a shooting range, putting on red eyeliner crookedly. Each little failure adding to his insecurities, adding to the fire of anger, shame, self-doubt.
But only if that was all the avalanche, he would have managed to stay cool.
But things got worse; his nightmares of that one fateful day of Maria’s death came back. Whether there is no explainable reason or his recent mood swings triggered it, It certainly contributed more to the bonfire, his prolonged lack of sleep making his movements sloppy, his decision-making insufficient, and his emotions all over the place.
It was only a matter of time before he snapped.
And the day had come—one fateful morning, a new mission from the commander, or more precisely lack of.
“WHAT!?”
"As I said, Your underperformance in recent expeditions has been concerning. I suggest you should take a break." Commander Tower says matter-of-factly. “Actually, I’ve already signed the document confirming your temporary break.”
“But Commander Tower–”
“It’s not up for discussion." Tower narrows his eyes. “Shadow, I know you must be upset, but both you and I see the results. When you fix the issue, you’re welcome at my door. Until now, please leave.”
Shadow tries his best not to slam the door. His fists clench, rage boiling in his blood, most of it directed at himself.
He takes a deep breath, and exhales, listening to the way air leaves his mouth, subsiding some of his fury.
If the commander wants him to fix the issue, fine, he will fix it. He will outperform himself more than he ever did before; he will show him that he doesn't need any breaks; he was created as a perfect being, a perfect weapon, he was designed to do it.
With this new determination, he strides off to the shooting range.
As he takes the gun in his hand, he feels much more relaxed, his breath getting steadier, his muscles untensing, his racing mind at ease when it’s occupied by the sound of gunshots.
But his hands still tremble; He doesn't know whether it’s because he still has a whirl of emotions inside him or the lack of sleep, probably both. And it was enough that he would not excel at one shot or two, or three, or four—his eye twitches.
“YOU ARE A BAD SHOOTER.”
Omega exclaims at full volume, and it was enough for Shadow to throw the gun away, and punch the nearest wall he sees.
“SHUT UP!" He yells, fuming with anger.
The impact of his first creates a huge hole in the wall. A GUN soldier behind it, frightened at the sudden blow, blinks noticing a new ‘door’.
“WHAT’S WRONG.” Omega asks, stirring his emotions even more.
“Nothing’s wrong.” He says it through gritted teeth.
Before Omega has a chance to say something more, the black hedgehog is already in a rush to walk out of the GUN’s headquarters, but a familiar hand catches his shoulder.
“Honey, where are you going?” Rouge then turns at the GUN’s soldiers, gathering at the place of his 'crime'. “What happened?” There is concern in her voice.
Shadow shrugs the hand off, and sprints away from her with his radical speed, not saying a word.
“Shadow! I–” Rouge shouts, trying to reach him.
He should have probably said something to Rouge, or to Omega. Maybe he even should have said something sooner, but sometimes he’s too prideful to admit that something is in fact wrong. He knows that they care about him, and the feeling is mutual.
But in his current state, he really didn't care; he really just wanted to go away as far as he could, somewhere, anywhere, but out of there.
So in his blind anger, he storms off the building and goes to the nearest forest, as far as possible from other people. And as he is wandering through, he finds a river, tranquil and surrounded by nature. A perfect place for him to relax and collect his thoughts.
He sits down, staring at the smooth stream of water, the soft rays of light leaping through leaves soothing in their presence. His chest rises and falls repeatedly. Everything is alright. He’s fine; he needs just some time for himself, all alone–
“Oh, hey Shads!” A cheerful familiar voice reaches his ears. “I’ve just been on a run–”
Shadow closes his eyes as tightly as possible, trying to conceal his emotions as his body is literally shaking; he clenches his fists, but then unclenches them. And he takes another deep breath.
He stands up, and faces Sonic, who is beaming at him.
“Chaos, I missed you so much.” Sonic rushes to wrap a hand around his shoulders, giving him a warm squeeze.
Oh, god.
Usually, he would have been more happy to see his partner, but right now he is just irritated at everything that moves right around his periphery, and unfortunately for Sonic, he moves a lot.
Yet somehow, despite all of that, Sonic’s sheer presence brings some comfort to Shadow’s troubled mind, pulling him away from his previous thoughts.
“Do you have some time right now?” Sonic asks excitedly, “What do you think about a little competition?” He elbows Shadow with a smirk.
Instead of telling Sonic how badly he is not in the mood or condition to do so, some voice deems it necessary to let it wait for now.
“I have, surprisingly, plenty of time.” Oh, Commander Tower made sure of that. “What do you suggest?”
Sonic hums, thinking of his options. “I thought of inviting you over.” Sonic blushes slightly, just enough for Shadow to catch it. "So what? First to my house wins?”
A smug smile appears on Shadow’s face, somehow the idea of winning is too captivating to resist.
“Hah, you’re not going to even have a chance.” After his words, he speeds off, leaving a yellow cloak of trail behind him.
“Hey, you’re cheatin!” Sonic’s radiant voice echoes, stifled by the sound of the fire of his rocket shoes.
Shadow smirks as he turns to see Sonic behind him, immediately feeling a lot better being so far in the victory position. And he intends to keep this way.
A chaos spear strikes the tree, and a large bough falls right under Sonic’s feet.
"Shit." Sonic mumbles as he hops over the bar, almost losing his balance. Before he can catch his breath, another one falls, bouncing on the ground. Sonic lowers his upper body, his nose lightly grazing the wood as he slips underneath it. "Whoa! That was close." He glances at the rolling wooden bars behind him, only to find a few more in front of him. "You've got to be kidding me."
Shadow looks behind him and smiles proudly. Hah, that should take him a while. But as soon as he returns his gaze back to the track, a loud thud breaks his pondering, and a playful voice rings from his side.
"Miss me, Shads?"
Shadow grimaces; he doesn't even question how, but rather focuses to keep the lead he still has, swaying swiftly between the trees to lose blue blur off his tail, who follows his suit; his air shoes much better at maneuvering on turns.
Yet a small thought leaves its seed into his brain; it’s not enough. His body is too weary for this race; if he doesn't do anything now, he’s going to lose it, and as they leave the forest, he’s mostly sure of it.
His teeth grind; his muscles are going to tear apart if he pushes even more.
And even though he gives his maximum, Sonic catches up to him on the open ground easily. And usually they both can't tell who wins the race in the end, but this time Shadow can clearly see the red sneakers hit the ground before him as they halt in front of Sonic’s house.
“Woo! That was tight!” Sonic laughs, wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead. But that’s all. One small bead of sweat.
And it makes Shadow frustrated, because he is panting, his mouth begging for more air, and his knees are buckling, while Sonic seems like he could do it all day.
This is so humiliating.
He is so angry at himself, but so exhausted at the same time, so he just falls to his knees, his chest heaving and drops of sweat falling from his face as he is staring down at the grass hollowly.
“Hey, are you okay?”
As Sonic puts his hand on his back, he clenches his fists, his claws digging into the ground through his gloves. His eyes are prickling, and he is trying with all his will to keep it together, but before he knows it, tears fall down and merge with the soil.
Why can't he do anything right? Even at his advantage, even if he gave it all, he lost. Even if he is not in his best form, the defeat was so miserable, it's inexcusable.
“Hey…” The blue hedgehog’s voice is soft as he sits down next to him.
Shadow lifts his head just enough for him to give Sonic a brief glance before he averts his gaze. A nagging feeling squeezes his stomach. God, now Sonic has to see him like this. Pity him. It's embarrassing.
Sonic doesn't say anything, and Shadow is thankful for that. The blue hedgehog waits for him to calm down, and puts a hand on his shoulder, his thumb caressing his skin in a circular motion.
A warmth seeps into his heart, among the sorrow of his tears. Soon his breathing gets steadier, and he dares to raise his head and face Sonic, all exposed and vulnerable.
Sonic hesitantly reaches out with his hands to embrace him, giving Shadow room to decide, and even to his surprise he simply gives in, idly falling into Sonic’s arms.
He doesn't know whether he's so fatigued he just doesn't care anymore, or that he actually craved for Sonic to do it all along. He might have, because he melts down, closing his eyes and nuzzling Sonic’s neck as the hands envelop him, tenderly, spreading warmth through the course of his body.
As his sobs quieten, and his heartbeat finally slows down, Sonic cups Shadow’s cheek tenderly, letting their gazes meet. “What happened?”
Shadow doesn't know how to answer it, suddenly his mind is blank.
“I’m tired.” He decides on saying, he sighs, and tries to utter more, but his lips close in resignation.
The emerald eyes soften at him, Sonic stands up and gives him a hand to help him up.
“C’mon, you need some rest.”
Shadow follows Sonic’s suit to his house, and tries to focus on the surroundings around him, instead of listening to the whirlwind of his emotions burdening his mood.
A familiar warmth fills him up as he walks in. The blue hedgehog’s home is so distinctively Sonic: pictures with his friends, several bookshelves, game consoles, music collections, skateboards, Tails’ experiments, plants, some souvenirs from his past adventures... It’s all so full of life.
Sonic brings him a glass of water; he doesn't want to take it at first, but he has to, otherwise it would fall down, as Sonic already rushes looking around the house.
He sighs and drinks it with a few gulps before putting it on the nearest table. He feels… fresh.
“Tails!” Sonic shouts, leaning in his head from one room to another, then shrugs. ”He must be in his workshop.” he says, sauntering to his side. “I’ll check on him later; he always forgets to eat or drink when he’s in his flow.” He chuckles, and brings their hands together. “So what do you want? Some hot shower? It’ll help you ease your mind.”
Shadow shakes his head. “It’s fine; I need to lie down.”
“Sounds good.” Sonic then hums, a hint of mischief playing on his lips. “You dont wanna eat sumthin first?”
“No…”
Sonic pouts slightly at his answer, and Shadow’s heart flutters with light laughter. He must be hungry himself, sneaky bastard.
“Alrighttt— Lying it is”
Sonic’s hand pulls him in, taking him upstairs; a slow stroll, giving Shadow time to relax, and focus on the sounds of his footsteps.
As soon as the bed is within his distance, he falls down on it idly, sighing at the soft duvet, his face lying flat on it. Sonic giggles like the little imp he is, and Shadow gives him a glare, to which Sonic smiles smugly to.
Soon the blue hedgehog joins him in, Sonic’s hands bringing him closer, cradling his weary body. Shadow snuggles against Sonic's fluffy peach chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. Somehow, all his anger, which has been building up in him for days, is slowly dissipating.
He doesn't know how long he has been lying, but enough for sure to make all his muscles go limp and close his eyes, entering a dreamlike state, yet somehow being in the present, leaving him somewhat rejuvenated.
“Sorry for interrupting, your coziness…” Sonic chuckles, and scratches behind his ear; Shadow’s throat leaves a quiet rumble; the pleasant gesture makes Shadow forgive waking him up. “But you sure you dont wanna talk about it? Seemed something serious.”
“There’s not much to talk about.” Wrong, there is. Shadow huffs, filled with frustration. “Can you believe that Commander Tower assigned me a break? This is ridiculous; I don't need it.”
“You’re the only person who would be mad at that.” Sonic laughs. “Well, but don't you feel better now, relaxing like this?”
Fine, maybe Commander Tower was somewhat right; it doesn't matter; he can still work without it.
He sighs, defeated. “I do, but I don't need it. He didn't have to cut me off as if I couldn't handle his assignments efficiently; what an asshole.” He swears at him, but deep down, he knows whose fault it truly is.”I’ve just had a few worse days…”
Something shifts in the room; maybe it’s the way he said it, or the dots all clicked on Sonic’s mind given his baggy and puckered eyes. “Your nightmares came back.”
There’s a growl in his throat. “They did.” A sorrow mixed with hostility resonates through his voice. “I thought I had gotten better, I’ve moved on but it seems no matter what I do–”
“Shadow–”
“I just can't do it right—” What is wrong with me? Shadow didn't have to add it, but Sonic could hear it as clear as day. His voice, full of anguish and helplessness.
A minute of silence lies between them, before Sonic adds.
“That’s why you broke down after the race?”
Shadow’s teeth clench; he is at his last straw of sanity, fighting to keep it together.
“Fine, laugh at me, laugh all you want!” His eyes prickle, and he can hear the soft rumbling of laughter bubbling in Sonic’s chest, but Sonic tries to stifle it with all his will, biting his cheeks, his face puckering with amusement.
This cheeky bastard, gloating at him—
“Sorry– Sorry! It’s just, wow.” Sonic brings Shadow’s chin to meet his ruby eyes, which look hurt. “Given what I know, you’ve outdone yourself again, and you’re just hard on yourself. It didn't even occur to me, because you’re always a challenge.”
“You’re just saying that.” He huffs, propping his hands ready to stand up, not wanting to believe it, but Sonic’s words scratch just the right spot in his brain.
“Hey, I mean it!” Sonic places a soft kiss on his lips, and butterflies jump into Shadow’s stomach.
“Pff, right…” he mumbles quietly, and it seems it has been a mistake or a blessing, because Sonic decides to capture his lips again; an involuntary purr escapes Shadow’s mouth.
“My ultimate life form” Another kiss."The best of the best–.” And another– Sonic giggles mischievously as his face turns beet red; his black ears flatten against his head, overwhelmed by the compliments.
“S-stop saying that.”
“Stop saying what?” Sonic leans to Shadow very close, too close. “That you are perfect?–”
Oh, God.
“The best partner I could ever wish for–” Sonic places a soft kiss on his neck. Shadow gasps softly; a twirl in his stomach. “My never ending adventure” Another kiss on his neck. “The love of my life” Another. “My light” Another, and another and Sonic just keeps on and on, but Shadow’s mind is too fogged with the feeling of euphoria to hear him; the light smacking sound of the kisses echoing through his body.
Shadow’s propped hands give in, and his head plops down against the soft pillows, letting Sonic pour all his love on him, continuing to drown him fully by his sea of kisses on his neck, soft lips brushing against his skin, one hand ruffling his quills, another pulling him closer, fingers gently curling up around him, full of adoration.
His ruby eyes barely open, overloaded with sensation; he doesn't even know if his mouth makes any embarrassing sounds, because he feels like he is so high, as if in outer space. It’s scary in a way, so out of control; an anxious feeling falls flat among his hot whirl of pleasure in his stomach.
But thankfully, Sonic puts him on the ground, capturing his lips firmly in an ardent kiss, dragging the kiss, pulling his chin gingerly, sighing needily before he pulls out and looks at Shadow breathless.
“This should prove you” He chuckles between his quick breaths; his chest heaves. “How wrong you are for thinking so low of yourself.” A tender smile paints on Sonic’s face. “You are enough as you are, nothing more, nothing less, You are already perfect.”
All those kind words Sonic describes him don't feel like him at all; it's all too idealistic and far-fetched, they feel too good to be true.
“It doesn't matter what anyone says; whether you’ve done something right or wrong, you don't have to prove it to anyone. You’re giving it all, and that's what matters.”
Shadow’s breath is in hold, his eyes glazed while processing Sonic’s words. It’s still too much for him, even though he knows Sonic is right, some nagging thoughts muffle his ears to truly hear it.
Sonic, noticing Shadow’s lost face, adds.
“And it’s okay if you don't believe that at first.” Sonic cups Shadow’s face and wipes the shedded tear on his cheek. “But I'm always here to remind you.” A dazzling grin appears on a peach muzzle, shining a little light just for him. Upon this sight, his shoulders become lighter, as if a heavy burden has been taken away from him.
And Shadow can’t stop thinking about how happy he is. How happy he is that he has Sonic in his life, who can give him another angle on things, pulling him away from his thoughts; his presence like the blue sky chasing his dark clouds far away.
Shadow doesn't even know what to say, but he feels good that he doesn't need to say anything. He just lies there, simply enjoying the feeling of existing; listening to his breath slowly stabilizing.
He closes his eyes, and his ear twitches at the sound of Sonic falling down closely beside him. He lets out a deep breath, and a serene feeling envelops him from his head to his toes.
“Thank you.” He simply states, but there’s undeniable warmth to it.
Sonic hums. “Anytime.”
A sweet silence keeps them tenderly, breathing out a fresh air of life. Shadow basks in the sun, his body tingling at the rays of light invisibly caressing his fur. He smiles softly, and turns to Sonic beside him, a sense of normalcy and routine welcoming in his heart.
“You must be hungry.” He says, his gruff voice anointed with softness.
“You’re reading my mind.” Sonic smiles momentarily, but then he gives him a quizzical look. “You sure you don't want to stay?”
“There will be time for it as well.”
Sonic grins, his cheeks puffed out as his emerald eyes beam.
“I won't argue with that.”
Shadow tries to keep his emotions at bay, as the sight of Sonic’s joy melts him like butter. The corners of his mouth rise high involuntarily, a sight very unusual for him.
He stands up from the bed, and gives Sonic a hand to help him up.
“So, do you have anything in mind?” Sonic asks with his usual cheerfulness.
“We could go to that chili dog stand—”
“No way!” Sonic cuts him in disbelief. “ I thought you didn't like chili dogs?”
“They are okay.” Shadow averts his eyes; he folds his arms at his admission.
Sonic rushes at him, pulling him into a side hug. “Who are you, and what did you do to my Shadow?” He teases him, leaning in.
He rolls his eyes, but enjoys how his heart flutters. “Whatever, let's just keep going.”
Sonic raises an eyebrow, amused. “First to the chili dog stand wins?”
“You’re on.” Shadow smirks, ready for the challenge, not caring this time about the final outcome.