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“That was the last time, yeah?”
Joshua sounded breathless from where Jeonghan was lying. His face was flushed, Jeonghan was sure, and he could hear Joshua panting still. “Mmh. Yeah. We shouldn’t.”
“It was a good last one.” Joshua flopped onto Jeonghan’s outstretched arm, and he raised a hand lazily to stroke Joshua’s hair. An easy, familiar motion from the many nights like these they’d shared.
“When’s it never good with me?”
Joshua swatted at Jeonghan’s hand weakly. “Overconfident asshole.”
“That wasn’t what you were saying a few minutes ago—”
“Oh, shut up.”
They stayed like that for a while, Joshua nestled in the crook of Jeonghan’s arm, half-covered with Joshua’s sheets. A faint sliver of moonlight made silvery patterns on the floor, creeping their way onto the bed. Joshua yawned. “‘M sleepy.”
“You should get washed up.”
“Don’t want to.”
“You’re actually a child.”
“At least I let you top this time.”
“At least I was nice about it.”
“Yeah, that’s cause I told you I’d leave you the next time you made my asshole ache for days. Three fucking days where I couldn’t sit on any hard surface. Three .”
“Fine.” Jeonghan slid his arm out from under Joshua’s head and sat up. In the room’s half-lit darkness, Joshua’s eyes sparkled, framed like twin jewels against his black hair. It fanned out like a shadowy halo on the pillow, and something twisted sharply in Jeonghan’s chest at the sight. He turned away. “C’mere, I’ll carry you there.”
Slowly, Joshua emerged from the covers and draped his arms around Jeonghan’s neck like some sort of oversized koala, resting his chin on Jeonghan’s back. For some reason, he was perfectly fine with touching Joshua when they were fucking, fine with watching him arch and whimper under him, fine with their bodies pressed against each other, even when they were sweat-slicked and gross. But now, Joshua’s warmth sent a little shudder through Jeonghan. The knot in his chest tightened.
Jeonghan turned and scooped him up from the front, letting Joshua’s head drop over his shoulder. Even though the only light in the apartment came from the window, Jeonghan found his way to the bathroom easily. He’d been to Joshua’s apartment enough to know his way around the place by heart. By his traitorous, stupid, loving heart, his heart that followed Joshua home for a drunken hookup one night at a bar, and left this same apartment completely sober and in love.
The heater was already on. He’d scold Joshua about that later. Right now, he turned the hot water on and waited for the tub to fill.
“Jeonghan-ah,” Joshua called. He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, still naked, all pretty curves and hard lines in the white bathroom light. “Does it have to be the last time?” Jeonghan swore he saw something scarily like a tear in Joshua’s eyes.
“You know it has to.” Jeonghan looked down at the tub. Almost filled.
“Does it though?” Joshua asked again.
“It’ll fuck everything up if it isn’t. You know it will.”
Joshua was frowning, Jeonghan knew. The silence was telling. He could picture his face so well he could’ve been looking at it, brows furrowed and lips dipping in a pout, cute and lovely and endearing—
“But why ?”
Jeonghan didn’t want to answer that question. He wouldn’t answer it well, because there was something hot rising in his stomach. Because it wasn’t his fault this had to be the last time; hell, if he had a choice, Jeonghan would do this every night, all the time, with Joshua and Joshua only. He would stay by his side forever if he could. But it wasn’t his choice, it was Joshua ’s to make that impossible. And now the bastard had the fucking nerve to complain?
In the end, he didn’t respond, just watched Joshua ease himself into the water silently. Stood behind him silently. Washed his hair silently. Felt him lean into his touch like a cat silently. Tried to ignore, tried to destroy every ounce of love he was feeling. Silently.
“You’re so nice,” Joshua slurred. “You’re nice to me, so why can’t you stay with me?” And there it was, those wide, doe-like eyes peering at him through shiny lashes. They were so innocent, so hopeful, so childlike in their wishfulness. Wishing for something they couldn’t have.
Jeonghan sat down on the rim of the tub, rubbing his forehead with his hand. “You tell me,” he finally said. “You tell me why you decided to say yes to her, if you want me to stay that badly.”
Another silence. It was different from the previous one. Thicker, more tense. Angrier. “Because,” and Jeonghan’s heart wanted to break with how much Joshua’s voice was quavering, wobbling in the air like a baby bird trying to take flight, “ you didn’t want to stay with me. You just wanted to come into my life for a second, then go. You didn’t want to be in my life for longer.”
What? What ? The knot in Jeonghan’s chest broke.
“Who said that?” Jeonghan whispered. He hated how close to crying he was, tears already forming before his eyes, blurring the bathroom tiles into swirling shapes. Two shapes, to be precise. Locked in a dance.
“N-no one had to.” Joshua’s voice cracked. Jeonghan would’ve turned around, was going to turn around and take him in his arms, and hug him and tell him that everything would be alright, that he would stay forever, that he would be in his life forever. But he was frozen, listening to Joshua continue. “You never even asked after Nayeon and I. You didn’t care about my life, y-you… you just wanted me for the fuck, right? That’s all you really wanted me for. B-but I still loved you, you know? I still love you. But you don’t love me back. And- and you’re so good to me, so nice to me, but you don’t love me. And- and maybe I don’t love Nayeon the way I love you. But she loves me back. And I love her enough, right? Right? It’ll- it’ll just have to be enough.”
He loved him. Joshua loved him. Hong Jisoo Joshua loved Yoon Jeonghan. Even when Jeonghan had never allowed himself to hope for that. All along, he’d loved him.
And this time Jeonghan wasn’t frozen, and he moved.
Joshua was warm in his arms, water splashing over the rim as Jeonghan lifted him out of the tub. He made a little surprised squeak but almost instinctively wrapped himself around Jeonghan. Already his clothes were beginning to darken, and the water that stayed on Joshua’s skin ran off him in streams, pooling beneath them on the cold bathroom tiles. But Jeonghan didn’t care about that, he could clean it up later. What was important was Joshua now.
“Shua, honey…”
Joshua was dry now, though his hair still hung in thick, glistening strands. He sat perched on the side of the tub again like earlier, like a rabbit prepared to leap away at the sight of a predator, those eyes, those same eyes wide and confused and a little bit scared. Jeonghan’s heart squeezed. He didn’t want to see that look on Joshua ever again, didn’t want to be the reason for that look ever again. “Shua,” he tried again.
“It’s fine,” Joshua said curtly. Jeonghan flinched a little. He’d never heard Joshua use that voice, that cold, frigid, passive voice. Whenever he spoke to Jeonghan, it was always with love and warmth. It was always like a ray of sunlight, thawing Jeonghan’s frozen soul. Never like this. “You don’t love me. I love you, but I love Nayeon too. So I got engaged to Nayeon and I’ll marry her not you. It’s all settled.”
“No, Joshua, I—” love you . Was that what Jeonghan wanted to say? DId he want to redeem himself in Joshua’s eyes? DId he want to wreck whatever Joshua had going on with Nayeon? Because they, they were perfect. Sure Joshua could say whatever he wanted about loving Jeonghan more, but he loved Nayeon, and, and that would have to be enough. Like Joshua said. It would have to be enough.
Because.
Because Joshua was right about so many things. Jeonghan had never asked after Joshua, never asked about his life, never got to know his friends, his family, his favourite spots in the campus, it was all stuff that Joshua had had to tell him. He sat there and let the rays of Joshua’s sun warm him. And never did anything in return.
And now the sun was cold. Joshua was cold. Joshua was sad, angry, confused, scared . And Joshua wouldn’t be like this with Nayeon. Nayeon wouldn’t make him feel like this. Maybe, just maybe, Jeonghan would allow himself to imagine a future where Joshua was happier with him. They could be happy. They fit together so well.
But it was all just his imagination, in the end. A fragile picture that Jeonghan would inevitably shatter over and over again, because Joshua was right. And Nayeon would make him happier.
“—’m sorry.” And even if it was just a half-truth, it was still true.
Joshua just leaned forward and buried his face in Jeonghan’s chest. He was so small, so delicate, so warm as Jeonghan embraced him. He had had the sun in front of him all along and hadn’t appreciated him enough. Now the sun was moving on, and Jeonghan would have to let him. Would have to let him shudder with quiet sobs in Jeonghan’s grasp, soft, shaky things that barely reached past Jeonghan’s ears. Would have to let him clutch at Jeonghan’s back, almost desperately, clinging on to him like he always did. Would have to let him slowly release himself from Jeonghan’s arms, would have to let him go, would have to—
Would have to let him tilt his head up and press his lips to Jeonghan’s.
An involuntary gasp escaped him. And then he was pushing back, moving his lips along Joshua’s in a frenzied rhythm. Slotting his bottom lip between Joshua’s, biting at all of the places he knew would make Joshua keen, prodding with his tongue the way he knew Joshua liked. He knew Joshua, and he knew he would be happier with Nayeon.
But in this moment, in this heated exchange of yearning and broken hearts, Jeonghan let himself forget about all of that and kiss Joshua the way he knew, the way he loved. The way he loved Joshua.
Even with the metal ring on his fourth finger glinting in the moonlight.