Chapter Text
“Tori? Any news?,” I ask as she answers.
“Quite,” she says, whatever that means. “They said they’ll put in the ascertainment.”
No, that can’t be true, she got to be joking.
“You got to be joking,” I say hoarsely, scared if it’s the actual truth.
“No, they didn’t get any more indications so they decided to assume he’s dead.”
What? No! He isn’t. Or so I hope…. “No! No, no, NO!!!!,” I cry, louder than I want to.
“I know, Nick,” she says deadpan, but she knows nothing.
“No, you don’t. I’m in fucking love with your brother and I’ll never get the fucking opportunity to fucking tell him.”
“I know, Nick. If they’ll tell me any indication or information, I’ll call you right away.”
“Th-thanks,” I say with wet eyes. “B-bye, Tori.”
“Bye Nick.”
It’s been a year since Charlie went missing, and it’s been a year since I regret that I never told him. I do what I do every night. Go up to the rooftop together with my dog Nellie, sit there in the comfortable silence for a few minutes, then talk to Charlie and then listen to a playlist I made for him after he went missing. The stargazing is something we started doing when we went to Paris when I was in Year 11.
“Charlie, you know you're my best friend, right?” His eyes look at me and he smiles a little. “You're my best friend, too, Nick.” Everything felt perfect in that moment. “There's something I've wanted to tell you,” I let the words slip out of my mouth. Maybe it's the alcohol that was giving me the courage. Maybe it was Paris, the city of love. Who knows.... “I-I'm b-bisexual a-and,” the door to the balcony bursts open, “Nicky, I need you for a sec.” And with these words, Darcy dragged me away from Charlie. Fucking Darcy.
I don’t remember the last night I got more than four hours of sleep, because I’m either staying out there too late, can’t stop crying or have nightmares what could’ve happened with him. Everyone said I should try to move on, because that’s what Charlie would’ve wanted, but how am I even supposed to move on, if the love of my life passed away, before I could tell him. Charlie would’ve wanted that I’d be happy but I can’t be happy without him.
The next time I try to tell him is a week before prom. We're looking for some nice suits. “Hey, Char, I've wanted to ask you something.” “Yeah, sure. Give me just a sec, Keane’s calling me.” Charlie answers the phone call with a, “hi Keane.” We met him on a LGBTQ meeting, I went with Charlie to. Charlie stays silent for a few seconds before he squeaks. “Oh my god, yes. Of COURSE, I'll be your date to prom, Keane.” Well, that much to asking Charlie to prom.... Fucking Keane.
I don’t remember who I was two years ago, before we met. If he wouldn’t have went missing, I’d be in Year 13 and would drop out of school in the summer, but the time after he went missing, I wasn’t mentally stable at all. Our friends, too, but for them it wasn’t that bad it was for me. I now am a year late, but I would do everything to change it, so Charlie’s coming back. Today's not only one year since the incident of his missing, but also his seventeenth birthday. If you would’ve told me a bit more than a year ago that I’d celebrate Charlie’s next birthday all alone on the rooftop of my mum’s house. As usual I go up to the rooftop and sit there in silence. Today I’m all by myself. I don’t even want Nellie with me. I sit in silence, just looking at the stars.
It’s two days before Christmas that I finally have enough courage to try it again. “Hey,” I smile as I see him at my door. I drag him into my arms and he giggles. I swallow hard. “Hey,” I whisper in his ear. “You okay?,” asks Charlie, later in my room. “Yeah.” We look back at the television screen to continue our Mario Kart game. “Yes!,” he cries out loud. At the same time I groan, “No! Not again!” Then we sit down at my floor, he looks at his phone and I think now is the perfect moment. “Charlie? I wanted to tell you something.” “Yeah? What about?” “I,” and in that moment the doorbell rings and the tension’s gone another time. Fucking doorbell.
“God, Char, I miss you. I miss you so so much. Why did you have to go missing? They cancelled searching for you today. They don’t find any new indications so they assume you’re dead. Charlie, I don’t want to believe that,” my voice breaks as every other night I talk to him. Some people would call me childish or weird for that, but who knows how this feels? “Char, I want to have you in my arms again. God, you don’t know what I’d do if you were here.” And as I realise that I can’t speak to him anymore, I lay down and listen to the playlist. “I don’t want to believe that you’re up there in the stars, Char,” I whisper. My voice breaks again. For a moment I feel strong enough to say the words I’ve been wanting to say for such a long time now. “I love you,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I love you, Charlie Spring.” Then I leave the rooftop.
As I lay down in my bed, I see that it’s already past 3 am. My phone screen lights up. It’s my best friend.
Tara🩷- hey, i know it’s not a good time probably but i wanted to check on you. How are you?
Nick- I feel so alone
Nick- I want to hug him
Nick- Hold in my arms
Nick- Kiss him, though I’ve never did before
Nick- Touch his curls
Nick- Poke his dimples
Nick- Make him smile
Nick- Make him giggle because it’s the most adorable sound in the world
Nick- Hear his voice again
Tara🩷- you could call his number, given that his dad still hopes that they could track his number one day and just hear his voice
Nick- You’re a genius, Tara 😊
Tara🩷- good night 💤
Nick- You, too 🫶
And so I do, slowly I tap ‘Char💛’ in the search bar. The contact pops up and I tap on it. I hear the phone calling and wait for the answerphone which Charlie personalised when he got it. I wait for the “Hi, I’m not available right now. In urgency, call my best friend Nick, who probably knows where I am,” but instead of that, I get a, “Nick?”