Chapter Text
Lorelai opened her eyes at 12:35, like she had for the past twelve March firsts. This time, though, it hadn’t been her body’s clock waking her up from whatever stage of sleep she was in, or even the alarm she’d been setting the past couple of years. She’d simply been laying awake, staring at the ceiling, debating whether she could climb into her little sister’s bed and pretend to offer comfort, or if Juliet would see right through it.
Swallowing against the lump forming in her throat, she took a deep breath, not thinking about the CVS bag under her mattress that was haunting her like Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart. Her fingers itched to pull it out, to take the bag with her to the bedroom next door, but she stopped herself.
Not today, she thought. Today’s about Jules. You can tell her tomorrow.
Glancing at the clock again, she pulled herself out of bed, barely noticing the cold of the wood floor. She opened her bedroom door slowly, not wanting her parents to hear the hinges creak, and took one last look at the plastic bag under her bed. She squeezed her eyes shut and pushed open the next door over.
Squinting, Lorelai could make out her sister’s silhouette in the moonlight, her red hair spilling all over the pillow like the Lady of Shalott or something. Already, Lorelai felt her shoulders relax as Juliet rolled over, opening her eyes sleepily, reminding her of the tiny baby who would only stop crying when Lorelai held her, not their parents or whatever nanny they’d hired that week. Lorelai pushed the memory aside as soon as it entered her head, not wanting to think of babies, past, present, or future.
Lorelai pulled back the covers and laid on her side, staring at her sister’s face, still full with baby fat, unmarred by the mistakes her older sister had made. “Happy birthday, Jules.”
Juliet smiled that sweet smile that always made her sister’s heart melt. “Hi, Lor.”
It was easy, when Juliet blinked her sleepy blue eyes at her, to forget what had been worrying her for a moment. Lorelai found herself smiling back. “God, you’re growing up fast. It seems like only yesterday when you were all tiny and wrinkly, with a perfectly proportioned head.”
Juliet avoided her eyes. “And now you have a perfectly proportioned head, and mine is too small for my body.”
A surge of protective anger flooded through her. How dare anyone make her baby sister think that she was anything less than beautiful? “Shut up! Your head is perfect.”
“Dirty!”
Well, she certainly was thirteen now. “Juliet Leigh Gilmore! Who taught you it was proper for a young lady to talk that way?”
Juliet smiled mischievously at her, shrugging. “It must’ve been my wild and crazy older sister.”
Lorelai swallowed, horrified at the sheer amount of trust this little girl had in her. She forced a smile, faking a posh accent. “What a horrible influence that girl is! She should be sent to a convent!”
Juliet widened her eyes dramatically, batting her eyelashes.“But who will remind me of the perfect size of my head?”
Lorelai’s brow wrinkled, wishing her sister could see herself through her eyes for just a moment. “Seriously Jules, who said that to you? Was it Mom? Because she and I are due for a fight anyway, and if she’s being mean to you I might have to break out the boxing gloves.”
“No, it was Gran. She called it the ‘Allerton pinhead’. Apparently, Mom’s side of the family has smaller heads than Dad’s family,” Juliet chuckled, lowering her eyelashes self-deprecatingly. “Maybe you shouldn’t get into a fight with Gran. She did build the maternity wing where we were born.”
Oh, God, not maternity wings. Lorelai hoped her sister couldn’t see the terror in her eyes through the darkness. She adopted a deep, resonant voice, imitating their father. “Oh, yeah. Where would the fine people of Hartford have all their babies, if it weren’t for your grandmother ?”
Juliet giggled. “We’ll be thanking Trix instead of God when we’re in the hospital giving birth to our own kids!”
Lorelai’s smile froze on her face, and her breathing began to speed up. Change the subject, change the subject!
It was too late. Juliet eyed her with concern, nudging her with her foot. “Lor? What is it?”
And suddenly, she had nowhere to hide. She couldn’t hide, not from Juliet. Lorelai tried to look away, to preserve her sister’s innocence for just a little longer, but Juliet nudged her foot again.
Juliet’s eyes were wide and searching. “What’s wrong?”
The need to tell someone her secret, the need to be comforted instead of comforting won out, and Lorelai sighed. “You promise not to say anything to Mom and Dad?”
Juliet nodded. “Cross my heart.”
Lorelai hesitated. It would be easy, it would be so easy, to tell Juliet to wait until tomorrow, to let her sister have a day that was entirely about her. But she was too selfish. “You know how I told you a couple months ago that Chris and I finally. . . you know?”
“Did it?” Juliet whispered, as though she’d get in trouble for saying the words out loud.
Lorelai nodded, unable to look Juliet in the eye, unable to watch as the two people her sister idolized the most in the world turned into flawed, ordinary people in her eyes. “Well. . . I kind of. . . I haven’t really gotten my period since then, I don’t think.”
Juliet’s eyes widened, and Lorelai could’ve sworn she saw a crumbling pedestal in her irises. The silence seemed to stretch out between them for an eternity before Juliet finally said, “Um, well, you’ve always been kinda irregular, haven’t you? I bet that’s all it is.”
Oh, sweet girl. She and Aunt Flo weren’t even acquainted yet, how could she know that three weeks late was more than simple irregularity? Lorelai forced a smile anyway. “Yeah, probably. I got a test just to make sure. Three, actually. Just in case one is a false positive or negative.”
Juliet squeezed her hand, warm and reassuring and grounding. “Have you taken them yet?”
“No, not yet. I was hoping you could be there? Not, like, while I’m peeing or whatever, just while we’re waiting?” What was she doing, asking this of her little sister? Lorelai hated herself, hated that for all their mother’s criticisms and their father’s dismissals, she was the one who was forcing Juliet to grow up too fast.
But there was no resentment on Juliet’s face, only affectionate concern.
“Of course, Lor,” another squeeze. How could hands that small soak up fear so well? “Of course.”
Juliet shut off the timer just before it went off, smiling shakily. “Okay, they’re all ready.”
Lorelai stood up from her place on the edge of the tub, wringing her hands. “Oh God, let me look,” chickening out, she sat back down. “Wait! I don’t want to know.”
“They could be negative,” Juliet reminded her gently.
Lorelai’s head jerked up, horrified. “I don’t want that!”
Juliet’s eyebrows went almost to her hairline. “You. . . you don’t?”
Lorelai hid her face in her hands. “I don’t want it to be positive either. God, I wish I could just make up my fucking mind!”
Juliet swallowed audibly, causing another stab of guilt to pulse in Lorelai’s stomach. “Want me to look?”
Lorelai nodded, her face still in her hands. There was an awful vacuum of silence until Juliet’s whispered, “Jesus.”
That was not the sound of a negative result. Lorelai slowly lifted her face from her shaky hands. “Jules?”
Juliet met her eyes, holding up a stick with two pink lines. “They’re all positive, Lor. You’re pregnant.”
Jesus. “Fuck. Shit. Fuck !”
“Shh! Breathe, Lor. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Lorelai barely heard her. “How the hell is anything going to be okay? I’m not even sixteen, I can barely take care of myself! How the fuck am I supposed to take care of a baby ?” And you, I failed you. I’m gonna fail her too, what if I fail her too?
“I mean, you could go to Planned Parenthood or something. I’ll go with you.”
“No, no. I can’t get rid of it. It’s like, like I love it already, you know?” Yes, she had a picture of Gloria Steinem on her mirror, yes, she would shove through rows of protesters to allow any other woman entry into an abortion clinic if they wanted to go. But this was a choice too. “I just don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
Juliet reached for her hand and squeezed tightly. “It won’t be just you. I’ll help you. I mean, I’m only thirteen, but I can babysit and stuff.”
Lorelai sniffled, her heart melting. If her kid turned out even half as genuinely good as their aunt, Lorelai would be happy. “Thanks.”
“And Chris? You have him, right?” Juliet asked, looking at her earnestly.
She laughed at the fact that even this wasn’t enough to ebb Juliet’s adoration for Christopher. “Yeah, he’ll be a big help. Mr-crashed-his-Porsche-the-day-he-got-it will be a great daddy.”
Juliet frowned. “You’re not being fair, Lor. How many times have I covered for you when you went to some party and didn’t come home until late?”
Lorelai jerked her hand back. “So I’m going to screw this kid up too?” Just like I screwed you up? Am I screwing you up?
Juliet reached for her hand again. “No! I mean, maybe a little, but everyone screws up their kids a little! I mean, even without this,” she gestured at the pregnancy tests, “it’s not like either of us think Mom and Dad were perfect parents.”
Understatement of the year, Lorelai thought with a laugh as she wiped her nose with her sleeve. Then, her head jerked up in horror as she realized that eventually, their parents would have to know about their grandchild’s impending arrival.
“Oh my God. Mom and Dad.”
Juliet’s head whipped around, and Lorelai hated that she’d indirectly caused the look of wild terror that had entered her sister’s eyes.
“What about Mom and Dad?”
“How am I going to tell them?”
“How are we going to tell them,” Juliet reminded her, and Lorelai smiled inwardly at the fierce loyalty her sister was showing her. “and I don’t know. We don’t have to say anything yet. It’s not like you’re showing or anything.”
Lorelai was suddenly so grateful for the little girl sitting on the bathroom floor with her, turning the complicated jumble of fear, self-loathing, guilt, and affection into something manageable, easing the burden by simply promising to walk beside her as she carried it.
But she shouldn’t have had to. “Sorry to make you deal with this. Probably not what you imagined for your birthday, huh?”
Juliet smiled shyly, eyeing her still-flat stomach. “It’s okay. I’m gonna be an aunt. That’s a pretty good present.”
Lorelai had to smile at the fact that, despite everything, Juliet was excited about this baby. She slung an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly. “Thanks, Jules. Want to sleep in my bed tonight?”
Juliet nodded, wrapping an arm around her waist and nestling into her side, the top of her head barely reaching Lorelai’s chest. “Let’s just hope this kid gets my head. Apparently yours was a pain to shove out.”
Lorelai just flicked her in the head, scowling theatrically at her.
We’ll be okay, she thought, placing her free hand on her stomach. We’re all gonna be okay.