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Most of the Hogwarts staff dread the staff meeting before the start of term. For starters, it signals the end of their student-free days where for the next 10 months, they are tasked with tolerating educating hormonal teenagers, or as Snape calls them, dunderheads. Sure, some look forward to winning the annual betting pool that predicts how the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor meets their demise (with McGonagall in the lead three years and counting), or even watching your favorite students excel in their pursuits.
Dealing with Albus Dumbledore’s outlandish whims, however, went far beyond their pay grade (except for Severus and Minerva, who have been subjected to his whims for years).
In the summer of ‘89, Dumbledore was invited by the Great Mantrik of the Indian Ministry of Magic to visit the heart of their subcontinent. Amongst scenic carpet rides, flavorful food that had fire burst out of every crevice, and the deep spirituality emphasized within their magical practices, he felt inspired and awed by the wonders of Bhārata Gaṇarājya (listen as he butchers its name).
The highlight of his trip, though, was the yoga retreats he signed up for. For two weeks, Dumbledore meditated, practiced, stretched muscles he’d never known he had, and found his inner chakra. He had never felt so refreshed and grounded before, not since Dublin (long story), and he dreamed of bringing its wonders back to Hogwarts.
Minerva’s been really stressed with the Weasley twins, he mused. Maybe I can help her find inner peace. Oh, and Severus and his brewing all day long; he needs a good stretch.
And so, Dumbledore announced that before the staff meeting of the 1990-91 school year, the Hogwarts teaching staff are required to attend an impromptu team-building boot camp. “These past years have greatly tested us,” he wrote in his letter, “but now is the time to renew our spirits and rebuild the bonds that were once broken. And it starts with us, the professors and nurturers of a new generation!”
As expected, this news was not particularly well received by the teaching staff. Grumbling at their shortened holiday, they return to Hogwarts early only to find the staff room transfigured into… something. As they entered, an overwhelming smell of sandalwood greeted them at the door. To their dismay, the hallmark upholstery and staff table which they lavished during break time were replaced by yoga mats, cushions, and bolsters covering the wooden floor. The usually open windows were closed; instead, intricate tapestries of mandalas and landscapes hung on the walls. The soft glow of candles flickering in the dim space replaced the natural lighting from the Scottish weather. Ambient nature sounds, interspaced with gentle instrumental melodies, surrounded them, almost as if they were coming out of the tapestries themselves.
“Welcome back, my dear staff!” Dumbledore greeted them from the front. He was wearing a periwinkle knee-length tunic with a loose-fitting orange dhoti. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, his long hair and beard, braided and tossed behind his back, he was almost unrecognizable save for his trademark twinkling eyes.
McGonagall was the first one to find her voice. “Albus, what is this?”
“Finding myself!” he grinned as he got up. “I just came back from the most enlightening trip to India. It was beyond exquisite, Minerva, honest to Merlin. I have never felt so grounded, refreshed, and in tune with my whole being!”
“Or the Headmaster inhaled too many spices in Mumbai,” Snape muttered from the back.
Dumbledore continued, “And I would be remiss in my duties as Headmaster if I didn’t share this with you! Perhaps the secret to the strife between the houses and blood purity lies within finding our inner chakra, calming the turmoil within ourselves, and finding the magic in us. And it must start with us, dear staff, to present a united front to the students.”
The staff exchanged incredulous glances, and murmurs of protest erupted around the room. Sprout was the loudest. “I cut short my trip harvesting fluxweed in the Himalayas for this ? Are you bloody serious, you bellend?” (Many are surprised that sweet and loyal Hufflepuffs are the most foul-mouthed of all the houses. But perhaps it’s precisely their loyal nature that makes them hot-headed in the face of adversity.)
Burbage, on the other hand, found anything muggle-related cute. “Ooh, I read about this! It’s an oriental thing, is it not? I’ve always wanted to do one of those handstands and stuff.”
Flitwick, who was intrigued by the whole situation, was alarmed. “Handstands?! But Albus, what if we are not flexible enough for this… yoga? I mean, I can barely touch my toes!”
“Yeah, what exactly is yoga anyways?” Babbling added.
Dumbledore held up a hand to calm the staff. “Nothing to worry about Filius, my dear friend. Yoga is about finding inner peace through physical, mental, and magical disciplines to improve flexibility, strength, and balance. If your mind is trained to be flexible, your brain will follow. But of course, like magical education, we’ll work from the basics.”
Sinistra spoke up, “Sir, with all due respect, are you suggesting we do yoga instead of staff meetings?”
More murmurs broke out among the staff, some in disdain, most in confusion. McGonagall’s lips were pursed in disapproval as she snapped, “Albus, there are much more pressing matters to worry about! We still need to revise the syllabus and confirm the 1st year attendance and discuss the new changes–”
“Minerva, my beautiful and capable deputy,” Dumbledore interjected, twinkling. “I trust you completely with the work that must be done, but you underestimate the power of yoga. Give into it, and you will find clarity and calm, even productivity! Let it ground us to the earth and reach the enlightenment we so crave.”
“I’m a Herbology professor. I’m more than grounded to the earth.” Sprout muttered to Snape, who snorted in agreement.
“Headmaster, I still don’t understand. How is yoga team building, exactly?” questioned Bill Weasley, who would be the new DADA professor this school year. He was a little apprehensive because while he knew the Headmaster was eccentric, this was next level. Dad would enjoy this though, he thought.
But Dumbledore did not seem to hear him. He waved his wand and transfigured all their clothes into yoga attire, all with outlandish colors. (This was quite amusing, especially since Snape's neon yellow tunic did not suit his pale complexion.) He announced, “Let’s begin!”
No one moved.
The Headmaster sighed, “Or I will cancel Quidditch for the year.”
McGonagall gasped, clutching her chest. “You wouldn’t dare, Albus!” she cried, but made her way to a mat.
The rest of the teachers glanced at each other, waiting to see who would move first. At last, Filius decided to maintain an open mind and took the mat near the front, saying, “I’m sure this will be a learning experience!” Slowly, he’s followed by Burbage, Sinistra, Babbling, and then the rest of the teachers.
…
In the end, you could say yoga team-building wasn’t exactly a success.
Dumbledore's instructions were, for lack of a better word, lackadaisical. He was clearly on his own journey while the other teachers tried to play catch-up.
McGonagall was well-versed in the art of yoga thanks to her Transfiguration Mastery studies in India. Nevertheless, she was reluctant to debase her reputation by doing some of the more provocative poses like the Cat-Cow, especially in front of her colleagues. However, after Dumbledore urged her to stay and ‘set an example as Deputy’, she compromised by exclusively participating in animagus form. This attracted Mrs. Norris, and later Filch, who ended up loving yoga.
Flitwick, jovial as always and eager to learn, tried his absolute best. He gained a small increase in flexibility as he progressed, particularly in Cobra Pose and Downward Dog. However, his stature was not made for the Forward Fold.
Sprout, on the other hand, hated the entire situation and took the mat closest to the door. By the third day, she had enough. Once Dumbledore closed his eyes, she snuck out to her greenhouses, and for the rest of the sessions, sent excuses about tending to her plants to avoid participating.
Snape was in a tricky situation. For the first day, Snape stubbornly refused to take part, opting to join Sprout and make snarky comments. The next day, he laid flat on his mat during the entire session, with the excuse being that he was trying to master the Corpse Pose. On the third day, he took a cue from her and hid in his lab working on exceptionally volatile and time-controlled potions. He was forced to come back, however, when Dumbledore threatened to revoke his protection, fire him, and feed him to the Wizengamot.
Trelawney fell in love with yoga. She would not stop babbling about how meditation helped her to be in touch with her inner eye, which greatly infuriated McGonagall. On an unrelated note, furballs littered the area surrounding her, triggering her allergies.
The other teachers were largely ambivalent. At least this year’s pre-term staff meeting was chill.