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“Hazel family!” Mr. Hazel called out, like he always did when it was time to get the kids going after church, his hands cupped to his mouth. It was corny, Caitlyn thought, but in a dad way.
“I can’t believe you’re going to extra church,” Ash said, like Caitlyn wasn’t only at church because Ash didn’t want to go alone. It was Ash’s mom’s latest thing, like teaching yoga or selling scented candles. The music was better than Caitlyn had expected, and she hoped God really did love her as much as the pastor said, but she was sure that she and Ash and Mama P stood out as eff-ups who didn’t really belong. Not like all the perfect happy families who’d been going there forever.
The Hazels were one of those families, though, and Mrs. Hazel had wanted to get to know her right away (more than her dad’s latest girlfriend ever did, she thought). Then Fiona, their youngest daughter, wanted to show Caitlyn how she could swing on the monkey bars, and even though the Hazels had only known her for a few weeks they’d invited her to a barbecue they were hosting today, and Ash had been annoying about it so now Caitlyn just said “Have fun with trig!” and walked away, and Ash yelled “They’re not going to adopt you!” and Caitlyn flipped her off without turning around.
Mrs. Hazel was holding Ethan’s hand, with Bryce clinging to her other side. Arabella, the big sister, was holding Harlan’s hands and helping him walk, which made Caitlyn think maybe she wouldn’t mind if her dad knocked up his latest girlfriend if it meant she got to have a baby brother of her own, while Fiona ran laps around them all chanting “Bee bee cue! Bee bee cue!” Mrs. Hazel looked around just in time to see Caitlyn’s gesture, and gave her a disapproving look, and Caitlyn found herself hiding the offending hand behind her back like a child.
“Sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re coming,” Mrs. Hazel said to her, and it felt good to be forgiven by her welcoming smile. “It’s going to be so much fun, and having you there will be such a blessing, Fiona, honey, hold Miss Caitlyn’s hand when you walk into the street. Brycey you too, buddy, mama needs to hold Harlan, everyone ready alright here we go!”
“Imagine having that many crotchlings to deal with,” Ash had said when she’d first seen Caitlyn hanging out with the Hazels. Caitlyn almost said something about how if you had lots of siblings you’d never be lonely enough to need to beg your best friend to come to church with you, but she didn’t because she figured she should try and be a better person at least while she was there. Anyway, crossing the parking lot holding hands with two kids felt good, like a taste of what being a mom would be like someday, or at least a big sister.
“Miss Caitlyn do you want to see my room?” Fiona was asking as they climbed into the minivan, where she was wedged into the back row between her and Arabella, and Arabella was telling Fiona that Miss Caitlyn would need to keep an eye on all the littles not just her, and Caitlyn was about to promise her that of course she wanted to see her room when the minivan pulled onto the highway and Mr. Hazel turned in his seat.
“Alright, Hazel kids, what was your favorite part of the Bible reading today? Harlan, you go first bubba.”
Harlan babbled happily, and then Fiona said she liked the donkeys and that made everyone laugh too, even Ethan who seemed to be in a bad mood. “I think the story shows us how even if something that seems bad happens, it’s all part of God’s plan,” said Arabella when it was her turn.
“What about you, Caitlyn?” Mrs. Hazel asked her.
“Oh!” she said. She hadn’t realized she counted as one of the Hazel kids, and managed to stammer something out about how Saul would be a good king because he didn’t want to be a king and she wasn’t sure it was a good answer, but Mr. Hazel nodded thoughtfully and said that was a smart point (maybe she was good at this Bible thing after all), and Mrs.Hazel laughed and said “Well that’s what I was going to say next, thanks!”
Caitlyn’s phone vibrated in her thrift-store purse, and she was planning on ignoring it but then Arabella gave her a wide-eyed look and said “You have a phone? I was reading about how kids shouldn’t have phones because they make it too easy to see all kinds of inappropriate things they can’t deal with.”
Caitlyn almost said ‘I’m not a kid’ but that felt childish when she was sitting in the back of a minivan, and anyway she’d seen Arabella taking care of her little siblings, she was probably more mature than Caitlyn was. “It’s in case my dad needs me,” she said seriously instead, which wasn’t exactly a lie, but that meant she had to check it now after all. Ash had sent her a selfie flipping her off.
“Alright, when we get home, first thing is everyone go change into playing-around clothes!” Mrs. Hazel announced. “Then come help set up for our guests.”
“I’ll help Fiona,” Arabella offered quickly.
“Caitlyn, sweetie, did you bring a change of clothes? That’s alright, we’ll do our best not to let you get that nice dress dirty.”
“Wait,” Bryce piped up. “What about Ethan’s spanking?”
The quiet that followed was uncomfortable. Mrs. Hazel seemed to be giving Mr. Hazel a look, until he finally half-turned and said “That’s not your responsibility, buddy,” in a low firm voice that made Caitlyn shift a little in her seat.
Two Sundays before, Mrs. Hazel had been asking Caitlyn about school when she had suddenly said “I’m sorry sweetie just a sec, Ethan James put that stick down this instant or you’ll get a spank thank you!, anyway, I just loved geometry when I was your age-” in such a normal way that Caitlyn couldn’t stop thinking about it. Of course, that was something that normal families did. She wondered if she’d be less of an eff-up if her dad had ever done anything like that too.
“Did Mama P ever, you know, spank you when you were little?” Caitlyn had asked Ash once, after she’d lifted a half-empty vodka bottle from her dad’s latest girlfriend’s purse and they were sharing it on Ash’s porch swing.
“I don’t remember, probably?” Ash said and Caitlyn didn’t understand how you wouldn’t remember something like that, and then Ash told a story about some nasty herbal drink her mom used to think fixed bad moods, and Caitlyn agreed that she wished it actually worked, and she didn’t want to be weird and change the topic back again.
The Hazels’ house was beautiful, with two whole garages and little turrets across the second story with windows that made Caitlyn want to curl up in one with a book. She was pretty sure it was bigger than her entire building.
“Alright, family, go change, go go go,” Mrs. Hazel urged everyone as they climbed out. “Caitlyn, we’ll be back, but if you want to get started the ice bags are in the basement freezer just through here, you can start taking them up to the backyard.”
“Can’t Miss Caitlyn help me?” Fiona was asking and Arabella took her hand and was saying “I can help you Fifi don’t worry,” and then Caitlyn was left alone.
She’d gone on some catering jobs with her dad before where they set them up in a big restaurant kitchen and the Hazel kitchen reminded her of that. She ran her hand along the long, cold counter, then stopped in case her sweaty hand would smear. Even the double sink looked polished. She wondered if Mr. and Mrs. Hazel ever had a date night, she could come over and babysit and cook a big pot of spaghetti for the kids. One day she would have a kitchen like this. What if Ethan misbehaved, it was always Ethan wasn’t it, would she need to spank him? That’s what a good mother like Mrs. Hazel would do.
Ice, she remembered. She was here to help. The first door she tried was the pantry, which was absolutely full of cans and jars and colorful boxes (everything she needed for that big pot of spaghetti, she noticed) but the second door opened to stairs leading down. Even the basement was clean. Were you allowed to have a basement that wasn’t creepy?
Mr. Hazel was already back when Caitlyn brought the first bag of ice up. He had changed from church khakis into salmon dad shorts with a brown belt, and was setting up the grill in the back yard. “Thanks, uh, Caitlyn,” he said, gesturing to coolers on the patio by the door, “You can put those over there,” and she wondered if he had been about to call her a nickname like one of his kids.
Arabella had changed into a patterned dress with long sleeves and leggings underneath, and she was already carrying a bag of ice up the basement stairs by the time Caitlyn went down for more. “I can get that,” Caitlyn offered, but Arabella said “No thank you,” and seemed to clutch it tighter and then Mrs. Hazel was at the top of the stairs saying “Don’t be silly Bella let Caitlyn take it, you can get the hot dogs and patties, thank you girls!”
Fiona took Caitlyn’s hand and led her to her room. On the wall at the top of the stairs she saw a pair of laminated wall-charts, one with Blessings written at the top and the other with Consequences, but Fiona kept tugging her hand and she didn’t stop to look too closely. Fiona wanted them to play with dolls, but reluctantly agreed that they should find a game outside that everyone could join.
The first guests had already arrived when they got downstairs, the Slukins from church (“Slutkins” Ash had called them, and her mom had said “Don’t say that,” even though she was laughing. “She doesn’t even have that many kids.”) They had an older boy Ethan’s age and the two of them went off to play together, but Caitlyn got their daughter Blair to play tag with her and Fiona, and Mrs. Hazel got Bryce to join in (“If you’re not going to help dad with the burgers then you can play with your sister and the girls, go, we’re really working on his independence,” she’d added to Mrs. Slukin).
More guests arrived, and more kids joined in. Arabella said they should play Bible tag where everyone had to recite a verse when they got unfrozen. Caitlyn did her best to stay it because most of the kids knew more verses than she did. Little kids could run fast, it turned out, and Caitlyn found herself catching her breath with her hands on her knees. The game went on without her.
“Here,” Mr. Hazel came up beside her, offering her a paper plate with two hot dogs. “You haven’t eaten yet. You’re good with kids,” he added as she accepted it. “Annie was like that too when I met her. It doesn’t come naturally to every girl, you know.” It took Caitlyn a second to realize that ‘Annie’ was Annette, Mrs. Hazel. Did anyone else call her that?
“Did you meet at church?” Caitlyn asked, but then Mrs. Hazel herself touched her elbow like she’d heard her name, holding Harlan on her hip.
“Kids, you’d better get hot dogs and burgers before they’re all gone! Caitlyn sweetie, are you having a good time? I know Fiona just loves having you here, usually Arabella ends up watching all the littles, Fiona, show Miss Caitlyn how you wash your hands before you eat, you too Brycey, go go go,” and Fiona was leading her back into the house.
Fiona needed to sing the entire ABC song while she washed her hands and got mixed up at the letter M and started over while Bryce waited impatiently, and then Blair pushed in front of him and barely washed her hands at all before running back outside, and then Bryce whined and didn’t want to wash his hands after all (isn’t he too old for that, Caitlyn thought) until Caitlyn threatened to tell his mother he was being disobedient, and she felt wrong saying it even though it finally made him listen. By the time she herded them all outside, the hot dogs were gone, and Fiona almost started crying until Caitlyn let her have her own second hot dog which still sat uneaten on her paper plate.
“Whew,” a dad she didn’t recognize said to her as she hovered over Fiona and Bryce, and looked around hoping to see anyone her age who wasn’t already obviously hanging out with friends they’d known since preschool. “You look like you could use this.” The dad’s polo shirt was tucked into khakis, and he handed her a bottle of cider and she took a sip and the taste was off and she only realized what was wrong when he said “I knew Jim wouldn’t have beer so I brought enough to share. They yours?”
“I’m just- watching them,” she said lamely, because if she told him she was the babysitter and that she was sixteen it would make things weird. She saw him figure it out anyway and he started to reach to take the beer bottle back from her, so she laughed awkwardly and said “Yeah,” and put it down on the table out of reach of the kids.
He made some excuse and walked away. Caitlyn scanned the yard again. Ethan and two other boys were running through the bushes pretending to shoot each other with sticks, and Arabella and a girl Caitlyn thought was a cousin were sitting cross-legged on the grass leaning in close to each other and giggling. Probably trading favorite Bible verses, Caitlyn thought in Ash’s voice. Nobody was watching, so she picked up the beer and had another quick sip.
“Miss Caitlyn, now can we play with dolls?” Fiona asked as soon as she was done with her hot dog, and Caitlyn just said “Sure girl,” because Mr. Hazel had made eye contact across the yard and made a ‘follow me’ motion with his head.
“Gimme a hand bringing up some more ice?” he said and she followed him through the sliding doors and then down the steps to the basement.
Had he seen her with the beer? Was she in trouble? The basement was cool and quiet, with bare walls and a single old couch and it reminded her of the scenery in some of the videos she had guiltily watched on her phone, just the kind of inappropriate things Arabella had been talking about. Would it be inappropriate of Mr. Hazel to spank her? Just as a punishment?
“Caitlyn, it’s been nice having you here,” he said to her. He was looking right at her, not going for the ice at all. Was he winding up for a lecture? Was there going to be a but? “The kids really like you. We all really like you,” he continued. He was disappointed in her, she knew it. A spanking was going to help her learn. She’d noticed his belt, belts were abusive but she wasn’t a kid, maybe-
“I hope you’ll be able to come back again,” he said, and then he was tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, eww, no, shit, eww, she had gotten it all wrong, and the embarrassment hit like a wave of nausea.
“Sure,” she said. “You can text me,” which was a weird thing to say but she needed to say something and mostly she needed to grab a bag of ice and carry it up the stairs and get back outside because it was suddenly too cold and too quiet in the basement.
Caitlyn blinked against the sun and looked around. Should she leave? She’d fucked it up as usual but bailing would probably just make things worse, right? There was Fiona on the grass, she’d already brought a couple of of her animals downstairs. “Miss Caitlyn!” she waved and the kitchen door slid open with a wave of cold air from inside so Mr. Hazel was right behind her, and Mrs. Hazel looked mad and maybe she should say something to her after all, but she was saying “Fiona Maureen,” in an angry voice. “Are you allowed to bring your stuffed toys outside?”
Fiona looked scared, and that made Caitlyn scared too and also angry. “I told her we could play,” she said. “It’s my fault,” she added, but it came out angry.
“No, Fiona knows the rules, are you allowed to bring stuffed toys outside, no you are not, but you deliberately disobeyed, so now you’re going to take those back to your room and then go wait outside mama’s room, go.”
“Hey, that’s not fair-” Caitlyn was saying but Fiona was on the verge of tears already and running to do as she was told, and then Mrs. Hazel turned to Caitlyn and her glare froze over into a cold smile.
“Caitlyn, sweetie, please don’t try to take liberties that don’t belong to you, I know at your age it can be confusing but you’re still a child and when you try to present yourself differently it can be confusing for everyone, do you understand?”
As usual, she didn’t wait for an answer.
Caitlyn went the long way around to get back to the street, she didn’t want to go through the house again or where all the guests were hanging out by the side gate. Was Mrs. Hazel going to spank Fiona? She probably was. Spank? Hit? Was that normal? Why was she thinking about it, why did it make her sick to her stomach, was everything fucked up or was it just her?
A girl giggled and someone else shushed her, and she turned to cuss out whoever it was, and it was Arabella and her cousin sitting behind the big HVAC thing that jutted out of the aluminum siding. Arabella was holding a bottle of beer. She made direct eye contact. “Don’t tell my parents, okay?”
Ash didn’t say ‘I told you so’ when she came with Mama P to pick Caitlyn up, but her face said enough. Mama P only asked “You good?” and Caitlyn just said “Yeah, thanks,” and Mama P left her eighties metal loud enough they didn’t need to talk for a while.
When her phone buzzed it took her a second to make sense of what she was looking at. The penis filled her entire screen, and she recognized the salmon shorts below it. “Gross,” she groaned.
“What’s up?” Mama P asked, and Caitlyn was about to say ‘Nothing’ but before she could, she felt angry again.
“Jim Hazel just sent me a fucking dick pic,” she said. Fuck people who hit kids, she decided. She was going to fuck his shit up.