Chapter Text
Most of Class 1-8 was still having a great time celebrating the first night of the retreat.
Looking around the living room Dani noticed that several girls were gone, no doubt having been moved to the small room after falling asleep somewhere in the process of her classmates bingewatching a new drama. Kim Hye Hill, Lee Mina, and Yoon Jung In were all still hanging out along with her.
Dani considered herself lucky to have met so many good friends right when she became separated from the Four Heavenly Kings and Ban Yeo Ryeong at the start of high school. Otherwise, the loneliness would have destroyed her.
However even if they did get along well, sometimes the attention she got was too much. The drinks Yoon Jung In had snuck in for them had only made people act braver and laugh harder while encouraging them to mess with each other. Maybe it was also because it was getting late, but Dani was almost done with the party.
They were still playing truth or dare and she was worried about what other questions she would get. Thankfully, no one directly asked about Yi Ruda. It was very obvious she would be uncomfortable, but she was still expecting it to come up eventually.
And that didn’t stop them from asking her other questions.
“Ham Dani, who is the most attractive person you know?”
“Ban Yeo Ryeong!” She said instantly, and they laughed. Even with the smiles, they asked again.
“Pick a boy!”
“That doesn’t count!”
She was grateful there wasn’t much weight with this question since they had asked almost everyone. Kim Hye Hill had said her boyfriend, which the girls agreed was very sweet. Lee Mina had said there was an older boy at her middle school who she still remembers as incredibly handsome, to which the girls giggled at length about his mysterious description. Another had said Woo Jooin because he was the most comfortable for her to talk to of the Four Heavenly Kings.
The girls looked at her, waiting for the kind of answer they would accept, though it was cute how Dani named her best friend so easily. Most girls, like the last one, had in fact said one of the Four Heavenly Kings, so it wouldn’t have stood out if she did as well.
It might be better to just do that than say the name of some boy she didn’t know well and risk more drama.
As the male leads of webnovels they were all incredibly handsome and choosing was virtually impossible. That was kind of the point.
Woo Jooin with his golden hair, eyes, and shining smile. Kwon Eun Hyung with vivid dark red hair and kind eyes flecked in green. Yoo Chun Young with icy skin, his hair and eyes like ocean waters.
Eun Jiho with a voice you would sell your soul for, bright white hair that was contrasted by completely black eyes.
If she honestly thought about it, Eun Jiho was considered the leader of the Four Kings for a reason. He was destined to be a leader from the moment he was born. That was true. But it was more than that.
Dani thought of his glowing silver hair that could stand out in any crowd. It was the most unreal. Sometimes, when she was lost in the moment, she would see him out of the corner of her eye and remember what crazy situation she was in.
“He’s already too arrogant! I’m not complimenting him!” Dani answered, but she refused to elaborate. It would be too embarrassing if he ended up hearing about this, though her tipsy outburst had already done a good job of embarrassing her just now.
Still, she knew it was only a matter of time before someone dared her to reveal her real answer.
Besides, she felt a little hot and the room was still crowded. Maybe she had drunk too much. The cool air on the terrace might help but there were already two girls there as well. Dani grabbed a bottle of water and some snacks before quietly moving into the hallway instead.
Even the hallway here looks nice, she thought while leaning on the wall. Kim Hye Hill was right that the heirs of the Balhae Group and Haneul Group would be given the best treatment everywhere they went. Additionally, the laws of webnovels ensured that the quality of the retreat would be protected. It wasn’t just the leads that had to be beautiful, but the entire setting.
Speaking of beautiful things, she thought of Ban Yeo Ryeong. Yeo Ryeong had had a tougher day than normal and had expressed missing Dani a lot. Maybe she should go and see her while they still had a break during the retreat. Thinking this, Dani walked down the hallway and stopped at room #218, where the girls of class 1-1 were staying. Pulling out her phone, she was reminded of the distance between their classrooms back at school.
To Ban Yeo Ryeong:
There’s a surprise at your door (^-^)v
Shortly after, the door opened.
“Dani!!”
In one fluid motion, Yeo Ryeong opened the door and wrapped her arms around Dani.
“You’re the best surprise ever!”
Even this late at night, her bright smile and sparkling eyes were in full force. Years had passed since they first met, but it was still dazzling.
“I meant the snacks,” Dani smiled as she shook the bag.
“Not as sweet as you,” Yeo Ryeong insisted.
Yeo Ryeong held her arm and led her to a corner of the living room, where they shared stories of how the night had gone. Dani mentioned the drama her class watched together and certain people walking on all fours. She tried to laugh at that, because at least she hadn’t gotten that drunk, but it was difficult. Dani felt eyes on her at times, watching her. She tried to ignore it as she didn’t know the girls of class 1-1 very well.
Maybe she should have been used to it, but people usually looked at Ban Yeo Ryeong next to her. This felt like they were scrutinizing Dani herself instead.
Yeo Ryeong had just finished telling her about a card game the girls had played earlier when a voice called out to Yeo Ryeong to come to a group sitting on the floor. She hesitated, glancing over at Dani.
“It’s okay, I should get some fresh air and then go back to sleep. Go have fun.”
Dani walked towards the terrace, glancing back to see the girl next to Yeo Ryeong giving her a strange look.
“Weird,” Dani thought, “Was she the one looking at me earlier too?”
Dani pulled the sliding door and stepped outside to the cool air, breathing out a slow sigh. Once she closed the door the voices from inside were dulled. It was peaceful. She could understand Ban Yeo Ryeong’s excitement to see the ocean just a few months ago as a light breeze blew through her hair, the salty smell of the ocean and the faint smell of grass that only grows by the shore.
Suddenly, she heard an unmistakable sound cut through everything.
“But as I began to like her, oh, for god’s sake…. when I woke up one day, I found out just by looking at her.”
It was Eun Jiho’s smooth, deep voice.
“Her?”
The response was equally recognizable. Yoo Chun Young was calm and cool as ever. They must have been outside the room directly above where she currently was, judging by how close the voices sounded.
Jiho continued.
“Ham Dani. Do you remember when Ban Yeo Ryung, Ham Dani, Woo Jooin, and I went to the same class in our sophomore year in middle school?”
They’re talking about her! Her eyes widened as she felt a sense of dread. She felt a sudden wave of guilt and knew she should go back inside to give them some privacy. Yet her body wouldn’t move, weighed down by a heaviness in her chest that needed to hear this.
“Shortly after that, I fell into her, so my crush began since my sophomore year in middle school. That was why I went to her house very often. You know, her dad still asks every male stranger if he is me, Eun Jiho.”
Dani froze. She couldn’t be sure where she was or if she was even breathing. She was sure just of hearing Eun Jiho’s words… unbelievable words about her. Had he really said crush? The word floated through the winds and wrapped around her heart, squeezing tight.
Jiho sighed.
“I’ve been pretty obvious, but she really has no idea. How can she not notice that for the whole year? When Woo Jooin hugs Ham Dani, I tell him not to do that because he can break her bones. I show Dani how much I hate how he does that to her. I even went to her house that often, but she never noticed my crush on her.”
What the hell was he talking about? Those things… what did he think they meant? They didn’t mean that he liked her. He couldn’t think he liked her just because of that. There was no way she did either. There were other reasons.
Yeah, there were other reasons. Jiho liked to tease his friends, especially Woo Jooin who was his oldest friend. He never actually seemed that bothered. And he went to her house since he had time and it was better than being at his own house.
“She just thinks that I’m hanging out at her house because I’m free. Isn’t that funny? You know, I once ate ice cream Ham Dani just had, and Ban Yeo Ryung almost killed me. Still, she is completely unaware of my acts. How can she be so dense?”
How could she be the dense one, the one who misunderstood him? He was the one who didn’t understand the way things really were in this world. There was no way he could fall for her.
“As I get to learn more about her, I can clearly tell what she likes and hates just by looking at her face. You know how honest her facial expressions are. Do you remember when Jooin told me that I changed so much after my sophomore year in middle school?”
“Yeah,” came Chun Young’s short reply. Dani hadn’t thought about that in a long time, but she could also remember how Jiho had turned out to be a very different person as they got closer.
“I changed because of Ham Dani. She couldn’t stand me acting cool or talking flauntingly, so I changed myself to speak comfortably. Later, I also found how convenient it was. I admitted that I was trying hard to mimic my father before. What’s funny is that I changed a lot about myself because of her. Still, she thought that I’m doing it for my reputation. Isn’t that so ridiculous?”
Eun Jiho gave a long sigh as if it genuinely frustrated him, but Dani didn’t think it was so incomprehensible. It did improve his reputation! The other kids began to like him more, not only as one of the 4 Heavenly Kings but also as a person. Sure, Dani had also liked him more. But had that really been his goal? Had she been the reason why?
“So, I thought I should tell my crush on her. I really should do that but… I didn’t know what to do at all. That was the first time I fell for someone so much. Why do I have to care about how I should confess or when the best timing is? Therefore, I was just vaguely thinking about telling her that I had a crush on her…”
Jiho was speaking unevenly, quick for a bit, and then there was a pause before he’d begun again.
“Do you remember Yoon Sarah?”
“I do.”
Chun Young said so out loud at the same time Dani thought it.
Yoon Sarah had been obsessed with Jiho for a while, and they had all been concerned. That girl practically stalked Jiho, following him around school and even hanging around his house. She wouldn’t listen no matter how many times he rejected her. At the time Dani had thought the situation might be the catalyst for Yeo Ryeong and Jiho’s romance, but once again nothing between them happened. Yoon Sarah’s interest in him disappeared quietly, and Jiho began to have short relationships with several girls that were not Yeo Ryeong either.
Jiho continued his story despite sounding exhausted.
“Yoon Sarah. The girl followed me in the hallway on that day too. She kept asking me, ‘Why are you not dating me when you’re not seeing anyone.’ So, I replied, ‘I like someone else,’ as always. She then told me to bring that girl in front of her. She added that I couldn’t because I was lying.”
Dani had barely thought about it whenever he said that as he rejected a confession. It had seemed obvious he was talking about liking Ban Yeo Ryeong. That’s what most of the girls assumed too, but apparently not Yoon Sarah.
“Then I saw Ham Dani walking toward us from the other side of the hall. Luckily, she was alone, which could be my only chance to get away from Yoon Sarah, so I grabbed Dani impulsively. Ham Dani looked surprised as if asking me why I was suddenly grabbing her when she was about to just say hello and walk away from us. Why is she so… cute… you know?”
Cute? She could feel warmth rush to her face, pronounced by the chill of the night air. Jiho sounded serious. Not only that, he actually sounded upset, like recalling these memories was agonizing. She rarely, if ever, heard him speak that way.
Well, that wasn’t true. Sometimes he did say nice things like that. Eun Jiho was good at pretending to be sweet to her. Whenever the public or his family could see him he would switch to being the perfect gentleman. Hyde to Jekyll. Despite the different tone, this might be just one of those jokes.
“I hugged her shoulders in my arm and told Yoon Sarah, ‘Look. She’s the one I’m into.’ Yoon Sarah then scowled at us for a while and then strode away. Ever since then, she didn’t follow me anymore. When she left, Ham Dani looked at me to ask me what I was doing. Do you know what she said to me after that? The first thing she said was, ‘Hey, do you think it’s okay to use a person as a tool?’ So, I replied, ‘I wasn’t joking. I really like you,’ sincerely.”
She couldn’t help it if she didn’t believe it whenever he put on that performative act. He even said himself he didn’t like talking like that! But she had to admit he couldn’t be joking to tease her this time. He didn’t even know she could hear him.
So why was he saying something so crazy to Yoo Chun Young?
“She kept on telling me not to lie, so I tried to express to her a few more times just how much I like her. I want to tell her that I’m not joking around. I’m serious about her.”
Dani realized she had heard him exactly like this before. This was different than when he purposefully spoke in a cheesy way to make her cringe. That day, when she was brought to Yoon Sarah…
“After quite a while, Ham Dani, at last, looked as if she understood what I meant. You know, her face told me that she realized how serious and sincere I was. She stared at me with her eyes wide open. I waited for her answer, but do you know what she said?”
Yoo Chun Young repeated the question back to Eun Jiho.
Honestly, Dani was not sure what she had said. She felt very much like she must have back then, once again shocked by his seriousness and sincerity. In such situations, it was hard to get the right words out when her thoughts were so complex.
Eun Jiho had to be genuine now. That probably meant he had been earnest back then too. But apparently she hadn’t taken it seriously enough to even remember it well.
Jiho answered then.
“She said, ‘I have to go to the hospital,’ out of the blue.”
Oh. Dani gasped. It wasn’t such a strange response, not to her. But Jiho continued, describing his bewilderment.
“Dude, can you believe that? She heard my confession then told me that she should go to the hospital immediately. How on earth could someone respond to a love confession like that? I became so puzzled that I thought I should first grab her and tell her not to go. Ham Dani then tried to say something to me. I was like, now you’re gonna give me a clear answer, but do you know what she told me?”
Dani grimaced. She should have known better than to let those thoughts slip out. Obviously, she sounded like some sort of conspiracy theorist or lunatic. Both together, really.
“She said that she would go see a doctor to check if she has cancer, but she could have a car accident on her way. In that case, she could suffer from amnesia too. If she encountered a loss of memory, then I should tell her to go check if she has cancer. Can you understand that? Her attitude was so serious that when she turned back to leave, it looked as if she was seriously heading to the hospital right away.”
She was planning to go straight to the hospital at that time. Dani now remembered the moment clearly.
Of course, Jiho didn’t understand her response, but she knew what she was thinking. It was likely to be the sort of story where something tragic happened to the first love of the male lead. Eun Jiho was still meant for Ban Yeo Ryeong in the end. Perhaps it would trigger Yeo Ryeong to realize her feelings and confess to Jiho, or maybe they would fall in love while helping each other deal with her demise. She had always been determined to avoid such drama typical of web novels, and this would be going way too far.
"If she saw me… as a guy, at least sometimes, she would never say something nonsensical like that.”
She could hear it now, in the way Eun Jiho oscillated between struggling to get the words out and then having everything fall out of him at once. He was hurt by her response. The way she had completely disregarded his feelings in her frantic response. Half of her wanted to scream.
Hey, isn’t unfair that first she had to have her heart broken, or even die?
Dani didn’t know if she wanted Eun Jiho to hear her, or the whole world, or even the author herself. But she couldn’t say anything anyway. Would someone believe you if you told them that they didn’t really love you?
In short, if Eun Jiho were to confess to her that meant the kind of story where she needed medical attention. So she wanted to have her health checked ASAP. Diseases and accidents were the most common tropes; also the most common causes of death. She couldn’t really prevent accidents, but she could plan for the occasion and prepare accordingly. She needed to protect herself.
Wasn’t a treacherous situation like that more urgent? He would understand, she thought, if she could somehow tell him. Still, she couldn’t help feeling guilty when she heard him.
“That’s why I yelled and told her that it was just a joke.”
In the end he switched his act again, no longer serious to Dani. It was the only option left since she hadn’t treated it seriously in the first place. She was forced to see this conclusion now.
Dani hadn’t seen him as a guy. She admitted to herself that she hadn’t even thought about giving a real answer. There was no real reason for someone like him to like someone like her. If for some miraculous reason there was a confession, it did not mean that she had a future with him.
Dani knew that was why she had forgotten this. It had been such a preposterous conversation, nearly an argument even, that she had instantly accepted it as more of Eun Jiho being a ridiculous jerk.
Yoo Chun Young asked Eun Jiho what Dani had done as she wondered what to do this time.
“Just smashed me a few times. She told me that her heart almost fell off and never say such a joke like that… My heart was about to fall off too.”
Like how she felt right now, Dani thought dryily. Eun Jiho was silent for such a long time she wondered if he was still sharing that feeling with her. Her only solace was thinking that since his feelings for her couldn’t have been very strong her erratic rejection had not been so brutal. Could he be that hurt, especially after all this time, over feelings that aren't real?
To her surprise, she then heard him speak again.
“It would be tough.”
“What?”
“Having a crush on Ham Dani. It’d be tough.”
Tough to have a crush on her? The man in a fated romance with a perfect female lead was really saying she was the difficult one. What made it more ironic was that he said this to Yoo Chun Young. Chun Young wouldn’t even talk to most girls, except for Dani, but he thought she wouldn't get a crush on him.
“What the…”
Chun Young began, but he saw no point to continue. Dani wondered if he knew how difficult it was when girls had a crush on him.
“Did you think we had no idea? Eun Hyung and Woo Jooin… they might have already noticed from earlier. Ban Yeo Ryung is slow at this kind of thing, so she may not know, though. If we had no idea we would have bounced off the wall when we saw your gaze at Dani inside the video that we watched at her house…”
The video? Of her and Yoo Chun Young studying together? Then she had done something weird so he stared at her. That was all it had been, she told herself. But she couldn’t help remembering how she had also told herself he didn’t want her to misunderstand that soft look.
But then she had walked in on Eun Jiho changing his clothes, and he had been upset, saying she didn’t see him as a man. Dani thought he had just wanted more privacy and that was all that had been too.
Here he was repeating the same sentiment tonight, though. So the problem wasn’t just that she saw him, but the way she saw him?
“Those things are hard to hide, you know… I don’t know why, but she doesn’t see us as men at all. I really have no idea what kind of special reason lies within her head, but she doesn’t seem to believe that we’ll ever like her. Luckily, she applies that rule or standard to other guys who are handsome or unusual. For instance, Yi Ruda…”
Dani noticed again that Jiho understood her surprisingly well, having noticed her attitude towards the 4HK. Afterall, she knew that any particularly outstanding guys were main characters in the novel. But he didn’t know that so the connection to what he was saying about Chun Young made little sense. And now Yi Ruda was being mentioned as well. She was confused.
However, Chun Young seemed to get what Jiho was saying.
“Then the reason Ham Dani doesn’t respond at all when Yi Ruda hugs her is…”
“She doesn’t see him as a guy at all. I only looked at Dani for a year and a half, so wouldn’t it upset me less to gain insight like this?” He paused again.
Ruda wasn’t a guy though! She was literally a female crossdresser! It was no different than the way Ban Yeo Ryeong hugged her and held her hand. Yoo Chun Young didn’t have to worry about Dani competing for Yi Ruda’s heart.
“Mind control isn’t easy. When that happened, I decided to give up but still had a crush on her for over half a year. Woo Jooin hugging Dani while calling her mama… Kwon Eun Hyung patting Ham Dani’s head… and you gazing serenely at her sometimes when no one’s watching… Do you know how much I hate and get irritated to death when you guys act like that?”
But they were just her friends… actually they were his friends too. And as her friend Eun Jiho would also-
He said earlier she should have realized his feelings because of the way he hated Jooin hugging her or the way he went to her house so often. Their other friends didn’t act that way because they liked her, but he might worry they did if that was the way he felt.
Jealousy. Oh god, he was jealous.
“If having a crush on her took place suddenly, my feelings should lessen quickly, or so I thought, but it doesn’t work like that. I was so annoyed at first, but the only thing that comforted me was this. No matter how many times you guys act like that to Dani, she will never see you all as men. This… only this comforted me. I hate myself for being such a loser by relying on that to console myself.”
Eun Jiho had never spoken like that about himself. The way he talked, the way he moved, even just the way he looked exuded an air of confidence. He would often say some arrogant remark and then give a naughty smirk.
Eun Jiho thought it was unfair to find solace in the struggles of his friends. They way he spoke now… it reminded her more of the way she consoled herself and the guilt she felt for it.
It was unfair to all of them that Dani protected herself by keeping her friends at a distance, accepting their friendship but unable to accept them as more than novel characters. She hated herself for those mood swings too.
“Still, how you guys acted like that is even worse, so I guess I’ve gone through my stormy period of adolescence quite enough… The person you are now and the person that I was back then weren’t so different. You should get yourself well together.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Chun Young.
“Ham Dani wouldn’t see you as a man at all too. Why does she strongly believe that we won’t like her as a girl… I don’t know since I’ve never seen anyone among us break that wall yet. As a person who had a crush on her, I just wanted to say that you should prepare yourself to experience your inner struggles.”
Dani felt worse hearing this. She did not want to be the reason for anyone’s struggles… but then again it was the author who made these decisions that created problems for her and others. It could have been a straightforward, simple story where Yeo Ryeong gets a quick happy ending with her male lead and good friends. But that was not the way web novels ever went.
“That means…” Chun Young trailed off.
Jiho now sounded oddly cheerful.
“Dude, do you know what’s really funny? I was confused about whether I still like her or not, so one day in the morning, I went into her room and found out that she was asleep. I grabbed her hand, and…”
Wait wait wait… Dani’s mind backtracked, trying to figure out which moment he meant. The only time he had been in her room when she was asleep was the morning of their senior trip.
“I really thought I gave up all my feelings on her, but… My heart was still pounding fast and hard… you know what I mean? I’m still like that… I don’t know. Maybe my body seems to remember what I felt about her since I lived like that for so long. Dreadful, it is. What’s so special about falling in love with a person anyway? How can I be so miserable like this even after I tried to give up my feelings for half a year?”
Still like that? Miserable? What did he mean? Dani sighed. She didn’t know much about love either.
Often she thought that falling in love would hurt her. In a time of brief hope Dani still had a crush on Ban Yeo Dan three years ago despite that. It did hurt as she realized nothing would come out of it, but it didn’t torment her like that. She had always understood the situation and knew the chances were slim. It was the same reasons she resisted opening up to her friends. He said it himself too. What she feared most.
Love could make her lose control. If she let herself have feelings for someone she couldn’t lessen them any more than she could make them return her feelings. She wouldn’t even be able to prevent herself from losing them if she changed worlds again. She was powerless.
Except in the very beginning. Dani looked up at the stars. If she never fell in love, never felt herself truly desperate for someone, then she would be okay. It was the only thing she could do.
She heard a screen door open and close. The conversation on the balcony above hers had ended. Dani went back inside. She saw Yeo Ryeong gracefully lying her head on a pillow like Sleeping Beauty. Maybe she had been out there for longer than she realized if Yeo Ryeong had fallen asleep. Sleep sounded like a good idea right now. It was after 2am. Dani tiptoed into the hallway and was halfway to her room when she heard her phone ringing.
You Chun Young.
Her heart beat faster. Surely he would be calling her because of the conversation he just had with Eun Jiho about her. So much had happened and she was so tired. If she answered, she had no idea what she would say. If she could say anything at all. It would be better to wait.
She let the phone ring.