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Boyoung felt the cold snow on her shivering body as she stood in front of Akiko’s apartment, a place she’d come to associate with way too many embarrassing “magical makeup induced crises”. Yet, here she came to fall apart in front of Akiko once again, no magical makeup to blame this time. She grabs at the edges of her white leather jacket, half due to the cold, half trying to squeeze all her fears away to knock on the door.
-This is so fucking stupid… -Boyoung says to herself before turning to leave, before hearing the awful wail of Akiko’s busted up door as it jams. It screeches as the sentinel leader pries it open with a grunt, a sound probably akin to what you hear while the life leaves the body of a very cursed being. The anguished door opens to reveal the white and pink idol standing in the snow.
-Boyoung? I thought we were meeting in the school…– Akiko says, with a kind smile as she throws a pink scarf around her own neck
-Yeah we were!- the idol replies, shaking her fear away as she puts up a pointless brave front, knowing full well Akiko can see through that very quickly- We are! Well, I just wanted to check how you were feeling.
-Is that so? - says the sentinel leader, with a raised eyebrow and warm and defiant smile.
-The hell’s that supposed to mean?
-That I don't buy it. Come on in - she grabs Boyoung by the arm gently as she pulls her inside and goes through the very painful motions of closing that damned door again.
As Boyoung turns her back to Akiko and takes a breath, she knows she has anywhere between 15 and 30 seconds until Akiko can manage to wrangle that door closed. While the retired magical girl fights through her life to close the door, the idol stares at the empty, warm and awfully filthy living-room. She feels even more overwhelmed by the mess, and closes her eyes trying to ignore the chaos of her setting in an effort to organize her own thoughts.
A month ago, the sentinels defeated the midnight momm- Midnight Lady. After that, Boyoung was left with the lingering promise not only of Akiko's love, but with her own promise of honesty with the world about what she had done. She promised to expose herself as the villain she believed to be, making a career using her magic to charm oblivious fans, a plot little to no difference to the ones the Sentinels beat out of villains every other week back in the day.
Boyoung needed to correct the mistakes of ARA, and a week ago she decided the time of reckoning had come. She felt a twang of guilt every time she met Akiko’s kind smile, unable to enjoy any of the newfound joys in the life by her side until she was punished so thoroughly for her awful deeds that there was no doubt in her mind that her debts were settled. So, out went another emergency meeting text to every one of the Sentinels, including the newest, non magical addition to the squad. She considered inviting Leila as the new Sentinel Sol, but in all honesty she was scared the small child would beat the shit out of her, so she decided against it.
The invites for the meeting were sent out for February 3rd, at 8pm, on their usual meeting spot: the abandoned classroom. That makes it an hour from now. If they ran through the snow, they could get there just in time to not raise tensions by leaving their soon-to-be-furious-teammates waiting. Still… Boyoung was not running towards her reckoning. She stood here, frozen in place, with her eyes closed, ignoring that filthy room, trying to figure out why she can’t breathe when she hears the door slam behind her.
- This damned door will be the death of me>.> Don’t mind the filthy, horrible mess–
Akiko’s line of thought is interrupted by Boyoung’s expression. Face red, holding back tears and breathing irregularly, her throat tightening and her voice cracking:
- You live like a pig- right as the words leave the Idol's lips, the first tear falls, and Akiko’s hand comes to brush it away
- Hey… - Akiko pulls Boyoung in a tight hug, before she realizes the girl is having a hard time breathing. She then releases the panicking idol, holding onto her hand and sits her on the couch as she says-Breathe with me, focus on my breathing.
No more tears fall from her girlfriend’s face as Akiko guides her breathing slowly, holding her hand through the very familiar motions she was taught when she was young. She slowed her breathing and invited Boyoung to join her, making gentle but firm pressure to her hand to help ground her partner as she said:
-Now describe what you see
-A fucking mess of an apartment
-Rude! But be specific… focus on your surroundings, get out of your head.
-A very nasty looking lamp
-That was a gift…
-A pile of laundry, hopefully clean
-Your guess is as good as mine
-Is that the box from the takeout we ordered like two weeks ago?
-Okay! We’re regulated, we can stop listing things now! <.<
-No, we should keep going, this is really helpful- Boyoung says with a coy smile, the annoying one she usually wears on her face when things are ok.
-I’ll hyperventilate next if we keep this up.
Boyoung laughs as she rests her head on Akiko’s shoulder, still feeling her hand being squeezed by her. The comfort she feels is bittersweet, as it reminds her of what sent her spiraling in the first place: she doesn’t deserve this. She looks up to Akiko, and Akiko meets her gaze with the most hurtful smile of deep understanding, empathy and love. All the things Boyoung doesn’t deserve right now.
- Ready to talk? -The princess of Serentia asks, with a concerned look- It’s okay if you aren’t, or-
- Why did you forgive me?
- Huh?
- When I told you, back then, you chose to forgive me. You just… did it. After everything I did. I’m… I just trying to understand why would someone with a half decent moral compass do such a thing.
Akiko sits in silence, pondering. She fights the urge to shrug off Boyoung’s concerns by saying she loves her. It is true, but this isn’t the time or the place, not even what’s required of her. She looks at Boyoung and she can’t brush off the fact that this is the closest she’s been to all the sentinels in years. She’s longed to reconnect to this part of her life that has been gone for years, and that is now standing on very thin ice. And she knows that so did her lieutenant.
-Honestly?
Boyoung nods, swallowing fear of what that prefaces.
- I forgave you because I would’ve done the same thing.
Boyoung’s face opens in shock and closes in an annoyed frown. It sounds like the most blatant of lies coming from the high and mighty Sentinel Starlight.
-Like hell you would.
- I mean it. Listen… My life was crap after the sentinels broke up. I never graduated high-school, I had to work a bunch of dead end jobs to scrape together rent. I went from living the life of a warrior princess to the life of a… woman. A woman with a nasty apartment, with no career or discernible direction in life and a door that doesn’t close right- Boyoung laughs softly, brushing her tears away- Yeah yeah, laugh it up! What I mean to say is... I would've done anything to go back to my old life a year ago. And when we met back with the Sentinels back in December… I felt like I was the only one that felt that way. Everyone else built this whole... life. so much better and more suited to them. They found themselves, they found a life after magic that felt so much more genuine, and to hear how they talked about my most precious days like they were some of their worst was… hard. It was like...
- "... If they think that of our lives then, what would they think of your life now" …? -Boyoung interjects, looking at the floor wistfully.
-Yeah. Thats... exactly it. So when you told me you were grasping to feel like that again, that you did a horrible thing because you wanted that back, I felt it. And I felt… justified in my longing. I just didn’t have the power to reach for it like you did. Or the courage. Which probably makes me a horrible person too.
Boyoung frowns and begins to interject before Akiko continues.
- If I had the power to chase that, I would have used it back then too.
- So... the reason why you forgave me is that… you’re just as bad as me?
- I wish I was… - Akiko says as she pulls up her flip phone, showing a text from Boyoung that says “I think it’s time”- I couldn’t do this. I forgave you because you made a mistake, like one of the many mistakes I would've made myself. But here you are, able to own up to it in a way that… I’m not sure I could. No villain does this. No hero does it, either.
The silence feels the room as Boyoung takes the phone, examining the text, breaking it apart and analyzing every pixel on that screen before she looks up to Akiko again.
-Do you think I shouldn’t do it?
-I think you have to… Not because it’s the right thing. But it will keep eating you up inside until you do.
-That’s a very selfish reason…
-Your hero days are over, B. You can allow yourself to be selfish, especially when you’re about to throw away your entire career in the name of justice. You deserve to rebuild a life for yourself.
Akiko notices those words stinging Boyoung like needles, and she leans in and gives Boyoung a gentle hug.
- I don’t think the others will take it as well as you… - Boyoung says, hugging her back, with a shaky voice
- They might not…
- Leez will make a documentary about how shitty I am.
- She might hire Wingsworth to play you. With a pink wig.
- Miranda will probably never want to talk to me again.
- She might need time…
- Jackie will be so fucking disappointed, she was so supportive of my career.
- She’ll… feel what she feels, whatever that is.
- KJ might murder me…
- I’ll bring you back to life when they do
- “When”?
- I said if! - The princess says with a chuckle, breaking the hug as she holds Boyoung’s shoulders and looks into her eyes- They might do all of those things. They might do worse. And still, here you are, walking up to meet them. And… that counts. Tonight we build a new life for Boyoung as we take ARA's life apart. We face it together, we withstand the consequences, and we… pick up the pieces. And you can know that, no matter how much you loose or keep tonight…
“I’m not going anywhere”
Boyoung didn’t know why she came to Akiko’s apartment when she walked there in the snow. She didn’t understand what she expected from Akiko when she walked inside. But as those words left Akiko’s lips, she saw them stand apart from the rest, glowing softly before her eyes. She didn’t need understanding, she'd reject love or encouragement. She wanted those, but she now understood she came here tonight because she needed to feel safe. Solid. She needed to know that, even though the world is crumbling around her and she’s losing her ground, that goddamned door will always be open to her. It never fully closes. The hinges are very old.
She smiles, and Akiko smiles in turn. Boyoung stands up, invigorated and reaches out for Akiko to stand beside her. She wants to say I love you, to thank her deeply for being her safe footing. For giving her steady ground. For healing her back up yet again before battle. But she pulls her into a hug and says:
-I’m ready now.