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It was the midst of autumn and the weather was getting chilly prompting me to wear one of my few coats, a light brown colour. The overbearing excitement I was feeling that I had got my dream opportunity to work with one of my idols in Europe. I had been dying to get accepted for this internship and now that it’s happening. I sped up my pace as I got closer to the cafe I was meeting my best friend at, barely able to contain myself. I never told San that I was applying to this internship because of how low I thought the chances of me getting it were but I suppose the chances weren’t zero. There was a slight pang of guilt in my heart that I didn’t tell San when I applied but I didn’t even think it was a possibility and I didn’t want to get our hopes up. I hope it didn’t hurt him too much and besides we’ll talk the whole time I’m there. He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine my life with him…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else.
My feelings for San run a little deeper than I would prefer but I couldn’t help it, San is one the best people I have ever met. He was always so sweet, he cared so deeply for everyone in his life and he was so respectful. Every time I was with I couldn’t help but stare at him, especially when he smiled. How his dimple would deepen and his eyes would almost close shut, it made me want to make him smile all time. He was so amazing and beautiful it was hard for me to imagine he would ever feel the same way about me as I feel about him. The feelings I had for him only grew the more I was around him, which almost made it hard for me to breathe. A part of me thought it would be beneficial to have some distance from to settle the intense feelings I had for him, I could only hope. I slowed my pace as I reached the front door of the cafe I frequent and headed inside. It was pretty empty, I wondered if San had even arrived yet as I placed my coat on the rack. I gingerly walked in and looked around to see if the dark haired boy was seated in our usual spot. There he was.
“There you are.” I said letting out a sigh as I sat in the seat across from him. My voice got his attention away from his phone. His eyebrows that were previously scrunched up relaxed and his slight frown turned into a smile that I was used to causing my heart to skip a beat.
“Finally, I was about to call you. Thought you were flaking on me” I rolled my eyes as I placed my bag at my feet.
“My apartment is further away than yours and I’m only…” I pause, taking a look at the time on my phone, “I’m literally only three minutes late.” I say showing him my phone screen to emphasise my point. He chuckles at that.
“Ok, whatever you say doll.” We’re interrupted by the waitress bringing over San’s coffee order and then proceeding to take my own. We sat there for about half an hour talking about random things that happened in our week. The waitress returned with my order but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell San the news, the nerves eating me alive. What if he gets mad at me for not telling him about this earlier. What if he is upset at how sudden it all is. My thoughts just cause my heart to pound.
“Listen, I need to tell you something that’s been on my chest for a little.” Weird the words that I should be saying are coming out of San’s mouth.
“Yeah.” I respond, scrunching my eyebrows at the sudden seriousness of San’s tone.
Well…” he says, reaching for my hands across the table and one in each of his. “I don’t know how to say this but it’s been in my mind for a long time and I feel if I don’t tell you now I’ll regret it, so I’m doing it.” He took a deep breath and took a pause before saying,”I have feelings for you.” The facial expression was most likely insane as my mouth fell agape as I looked into San’s eyes.
“W-what.” I said or at least I think that’s what I said. It might have been incoherent grumbling. I couldn’t believe this was happening. The man I was in love with is telling me that he has feelings for me, my mind was racing. That’s when it hit I had to tell him I’m leaving, I’m going to Europe. Oh no, this was the worst timing ever. Before I could say anything, San’s phone cut my thoughts off.
“Sorry it’s my boss. I’ll be a second.” He said, as he went on the call my thoughts started racing again. Ok all I have to say is I’m going to Europe, I’m leaving tomorrow but I am interested in seeing where this goes, yeah super easy. “Sorry about that, I actually have to go now because my boss needs me to do something urgently. But about what I said, we can talk tomor-”
“I’m going to Europe!” I blurted out cutting him from his sentence. I immediately regret it, my nerves getting the best of me.
“Oh…congratulations. “
“I’m leaving tomorrow actually so…” I say frantically, for some reason out of breath.
“Tomorrow. Why didn’t you say something before…what does this mean for us?” he whispered the last part. My heart broke at how hurt he looked. There was so much I wanted to say to him, my brain was working in overdrive but my mouth didn’t seem to cooperate.
“Sorry, I don’t know. Sorry.” I blurted out once again not being able to produce any other words after that.
“Oh.” he said slightly nodding, pain still evident on his face. My brain and my mouth were not cooperating with each other and all I wanted to do was run and leave. So that’s what I did, before I could even stop myself I was running out the cafe screaming a pathetic, “I’m Sorry.” while bumping in tables and cursing. I ran out of there leaving one of the most important people to me behind. Ruining anything we could have had and everything we built…
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That was a year ago, the memories run rampant in my mind so often that it feels like it happened yesterday. The pain in San’s eyes continuously brought tears to my eyes as I thought about it before I went to bed. It hurt that my anxiety ruined something that could have been the best thing and took away someone that was so special to me. I never spoke to San after that moment in the cafe, I couldn’t bring myself to do it and now I’m back in the city where my biggest heartbreak happened. My internship was over and I was preparing to start my job here but all I could think about was my dimpled friend. I wonder what he was up to now. If he was still working the same job, if he still went to the cafe and if he still did, did he go alone or…did he find someone else? My heart broke at that thought, the idea that someone else was bringing that smile to his face…but nevermind, I had to get over him. Start my life without him to at least have some sanity.
Tonight was the first time I’ll be seeing my friends since last year, well most of my friends…Anyway, we were at a cafe…that cafe. At least we decided on meeting upstairs instead of where that happened but so it isn’t that bad but it was still uncomfortable. I slowly walked up to the door that I remember from a year ago. I took a deep breath and pause, thinking about that autumn day before walking in. This time the cafe was completely empty, it was closer to six p.m but it still slightly shocked me. I took my coat off to place it on the coat rack, this time a dark forest green coat. I made my way up the stairs of the cafe to the second floor, turning the corner.
“SURPRISE!!!” A chorus of screams interrupted my peaceful walk prompting a scream from me. “Welcome home!” My close friend, Emily emerged from the crowd with her arms spread to give me a hug. I reciprocated still slightly in shock from the surprise. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t throw you a welcome home party…” she said, leading me deeper into the party. She grabbed two glasses of wine and handed one to me. “Let's get lit!” she exclaimed, clinking her glass with mine. I let out a little giggle and took a sip, let the wine warm me up slightly. Maybe moving on won’t be so hard…
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A couple hours had passed and it felt amazing. I was laughing with my friends, greeting everyone who attended and drinking some wine. I was feeling slightly tipsy so I decided to go out to the balcony to get some air. I leaned my elbows on the balcony ledge and looked at the view breathing in the crisp autumn air. Taking another sip of wine letting the bittersweet liquid settle on my taste buds. Looking out at my home town I thought about my future here. My new job that I was starting, my friends and my life without him…thinking about him always sends a pang to my chest. The past year I spent trying to mourn the loss of San but it was hard.
“Hey doll.” a soft familiar voice broke me out of my trance causing me to stiffen lightly. I squeezed my eyes shut, scared to face him. I turned my body towards him looking at his sombre expression. He was dressed simply in a light brown turtleneck and dark brown fitted pants, accompanied with simple black dress shoes. He looked amazing as always and I couldn’t help but stare at his strong physique and how his clothes clung onto him for dear life. Still leaning on the ledge, the wine giving me the confidence that I definitely would not have had sober.
“Hey stranger, been a while.” I said, giving him a slight smile reaching out my free hand to shake his hand. He reciprocated the hand shake, a smile breaking across his face helping the clench in my chest loosen.
“Yeah, it has.” looking into my eyes, his hand still holding mine. His smile still makes my heart skip a beat. “How have you been?” he continued letting go of my hand, my hand feeling cold from the loss of contact. I tucked my free hand under my other arm to bring back some of the warmth, wishing he held my hand for longer.
“Yeah, I’ve been good.” Nodding slightly, biting my lip at the awkwardness I was feeling. I looked into my wine glass and took a sip in the awkward silence til I finally managed to say, “San, I’m sorry about-”
“No, you don’t have to apologise. I should be apologising to you, I made you uncomfortable and-”
I stepped forward, finally finding the words I wish I had a year ago. “San, listen to me please. I’ve been thinking about what I wish I wanted to say on that day and I just need to get this off my chest.” I lightly grasped his arm, looking deep into his eyes. “I have feelings for you, I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. That day in the cafe was really my worst case scenario…” I let out a breathy laugh, shaking my head. “That day I wanted to tell you that even though I’m leaving, I still want us to see where this goes.” I slumped my hand down off his arm and leaned on the ledge. I let out a sigh and looked back into his beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry San, I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“Wow.” he replied, letting a silence settle after my words. He turned his body to face off the balcony, looking up at the sky. “That’s crazy.” he said, nodding to himself his hands tucked in his pocket
“And I’m sorry for not reaching out this past year, I-I just couldn’t face you. I got in my head and I thought you would think the worst of me.” I quickly spewed out, looking at his face to gauge his expression, “I completely understand if you don’t want to see me after tonight…” I whispered, biting my inner cheek looking down the ledge as tears stung my eyes. The reality I didn’t want to face was coming true and it hurt. I wiped the tears that were clouding my vision, not noticing San had pulled out a blue velvet box and was presenting it to me.
“Here.” he whispered back. I put down my wine glass and shakily took the box.
“What is it?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly, my eyes glossy from the tears.
“Just look.” He said laughing. I opened the box and there was a necklace, a beautiful necklace. It was a dainty necklace with a infinity symbol charm, the charm was imbedded with sapphire coloured jewels. It’s beautiful. “The moment I met you, I was in love with you. I shouldn’t say that but I was and I knew no matter what happened in my life. No matter if you were physically in my life or not I would never stop thinking about you. I thought tonight would be it for you but I wanted to give you this to symbolise that as long as I live, whoever I love, I will never forget you.
“San, this is so…” the tears were now free flowing down my cheeks, unable to contain themselves anymore.
“It is a weird start, I expect nothing different from you but how about we see how this goes.” He says, reaching his hand out for me to hold. I grabbed it, giving it a tight squeeze.
“Let’s do it.” We sat there on that balcony for a long time, talking, catching up on what happened that past year. He got a promotion at work so he moved to a better apartment a little further out the city but with a ton more space. It felt so natural talking with San, everything just flowed together like nothing happened. That dimpled smile that I missed so much making multiple appearances much to my appreciation. Then a familiar song filled my eardrums causing me to gasp. “It’s my song!” I exclaimed, grasping on to San’s hand.
“Well, let's dance then.” My expression caused San to laugh, “Come on, it’s a slow song, nothing too crazy and besides, I’ll lead you.” he grabbed my hand, pulling me to the centre of the balcony. He pulled my body into his, placing his hands on my waist. I reluctantly placed my hands on his broad shoulders. San slowly started to sway in time with the music and I followed his lead. The more we did this, the more comfortable I got. I closed the proximity between us till there was barely any space between the two of us. I lay my chin on his shoulder prompting him to lay his face against mine.The closeness of the situation brought a welcome warmth through my body as I closed my eyes relaxing to the soft thump of San’s heart. Before I knew it I was softly singing the lyrics of the song.
There’s a room, in my heart with the memories we made
Took em down but their still in their frames
There’s no way I could ever forget…mmm
That’s when I heard San’s angelic voice lightly join in with mine.
For as long as I live and as long as I love,
I will never not think about you, you…mmm.
I will never not think about you
From the moment I loved
I knew you were the one
And no matter whatever I do, oh…mm
I will never not think about you
“San…” I lightly said.
Hm...” he hummed, it reverberating through his chest.
“The whole of the past year I thought about you constantly even though it hurt me every time so that’s to say no matter what happens I will never stop thinking about you.” I expressed. I softly took my head off his shoulder to look into his eyes. He looked back at me with an expression I couldn’t fully explain and gently cupped my face, smoothing his thumb across my cheek. His gaze fell onto my lips and stayed there for a moment. I closed the gap and softly lay my lips on his. It was a soft sweet kiss but it said all that needed to be said.