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Raven finds herself gasping for air as she snaps up from her previous sleeping state. She can feel it clearly. The fear that Finn would end up dead. That Clarke wouldn't be able to save him. The hope that Clarke would fix it, like she always does.
The pain when she realized it was too late for Clarke to fix it.
Raven presses her hand to her chest as she tries to calm her thundering heart. Finn was the one who cared about her and helped through everything in the Arc. And she can still feel the ache in her chest when she thought about him.
Raven takes another deep breath before she pulls herself out of her bed, getting dressed for the day that awaited her. One that she was sure consisted of making a few bullets, repairing things around camp, eating, and then sleep.
Raven pulls her caramel hair into a ponytail as she walked into Camp Jaha. She enters the place that held bittersweet memories for her. Sweet because she thought of how she became a friend of Wick, and all of the work she had done to help people in here. Bitter because of one person...
A few minutes after she started working on walkie-talkies that needed to be repaired Wick walked it. Raven presses her lips together as he passed her, getting started on his own work. She takes a deep breath as she tries to come up with something to break the deafening silence. Ever since she had had her fling with him it was tense between the two. He wanted more with her but Raven didn't want a relationship.
She couldn't have a relationship. Not when she was still having daily dreams of Finn. Everything from her first kiss to seeing him killed. The butterflies to the pain of seeing the way he looked at Clarke.
Raven stares at the walkie talkies in front of her. It was a simple problem. The parts just needed to be rearranged but her mind was moving a thousand miles a minute. It never forcing her hands to pick up the tools needed for the job. It was instead focused on different things to say to Wick. Of how to explain to him that she just... needed only a fling. And that she liked him, but not like that. How to go back to being sarcastic with him.
It wasn't long before her mind began drifting towards Finn. Of how she could have been easier on Finn. She could have protected him better, even though she knows she couldn't have. Her mind leads her into a scenario where she pays him back for all of the times on the Arc he helped her.
Of how she screamed more than she thought was possible as she saw Clarke pull away from him. Her legs betraying her and getting closer to the ground. Waiting for her body to reach the fast approaching ground.
Until Bellamy catches her. And he holds her close and tries to comfort her. Because he's lost people and he knows the feeling of failing those you love. Of how Bellamy watched his words about Finn when he was around her. The sympathetic look and the hand on her shoulder when she would suddenly find a few tears escape her eyes but didn't want to cause a scene.
"Raven?" a voice pierces the silent room and Raven's head snaps to the entrance. Her tense composure relaxing slightly as she sees the familiar mess of hair and chocolate eyes.
"Yeah?" Raven says as she turns her body away from the abandoned walkie-talkies and towards Bellamy.
Bellamy stares at her for what felt like a long time, but in actuality was a few seconds, sending Raven the same sympathetic look. Raven recognizes it and one of her hands immediately ran to her cheeks and eyes, checking for stray tears, a confused look in her eyes as she realizes her face was dry. "Um I need your help with the guns. I don't really know what happened but I know something's wrong," Bellamy explains.
'I know something's wrong,' The words hit Raven harder than she'd admit. He ended up saying them to her often. When he would find her furiously wiping away tears as she tried to get back to her routine. Or when he would notice she wasn't really paying attention and zoning out. It had somehow become his way of saying: You can't fool me into thinking that you're alright. You're not that good at it.
"Sure I'll go check it out," Raven says as she moves towards Bellamy. Ignoring the feeling of Wick's gaze on her back as she did. For a few moments it's silent between Bellamy and Raven as they walk. Raven feels her hands tense, clenching and unclenching as she walks. She rolls her eyes at her behavior, acting like a little kid waiting to be yelled at by their teacher.
As they step into the armory a small smile appears on Raven's face as she realizes he didn't make up a story about the guns. It was just a coincidence he wanted to talk to her. The guns find their way into the engineer's hands and Bellamy takes a moment to stare at her. Thinking of how the same it is to when she first joined the 100.
Raven inspecting their weapons and trying to figure out how to fix them. But to anybody that really paid attention they would see how she would freeze for a moment. And her eyes would get a lost and sad look in them before she focused back on the issue on hand. Her tense hands and face would loosen up and she would be vulnerable before would bite the inside of her cheek and tighten her grip onto the weapon until her knuckles hurt. The cause was even the same as before.
"Is it the same thing as before?" Bellamy asks as he walks closer to her.
Raven stares at the gun's parts before speaking,"No the other one just needed to be cleaned. This one is going to need a new-"
"I wasn't talking about the gun," Bellamy interrupts and Raven's eyes glance up to meet his.
"Yeah it is," Raven mumbles before she looks for the new part for the gun,"Nothing to worry about,"
Bellamy sighs to himself as he watches the girl search through drawers of different supplies. He knew it was the same as before. Finn. Because it always is. But instead of Raven calming Bellamy down all she does is make his concern for her grow. He remembered he was the same after his Mom died.
Which is why he can't not worry.
"Raven..." Bellamy starts and Raven glances back at him, noticing that he's choosing his words carefully,"What happened to him... You're sill grieving. He was a big part of your life Ray,"
Raven's body turns towards Bellamy and she can feel the cool feeling of tears as they burn her throat. It's only a few tears that cascade down her face and Bellamy steps closer as he sees the struggling pain on her face. Raven clenches her teeth, forcing out every word,"Just shut it Bellamy. I'm fine. Finn died and... and I dealt with it. End of story,"
Raven throws the gun part into Bellamy's hands and goes to walk out of the armory. Too focused on getting alone to worry about the amount of people that will see her if she takes one step outside. Before either of them can react Bellamy grabs a hold of her wrist and pulls her back inside. Raven licked her lips and stood frozen for a moment while Bellamy tried to think of something. Anything to get the engineer to listen to him for a moment.
Bellamy pulls Raven towards him slightly, his thumbs wiping away the tears from her cheeks. Raven shuts her eyes and leans into his hands at the comfort and Bellamy stares at her face before he shakes his head, she needed someone to comfort her right now. After a few moments Raven opens her eyes and they both stare at each other. "Come with me. I know the place," Bellamy says before his hand slips back around her wrist and pulls her out of the armory; moving fast enough to not get noticed and slow enough to not draw attention.
Raven keeps her stare on Bellamy's back as she he pushes the both of them through Camp Jaha. A rare moment where Finn and the war isn't occupying her mind. And she knows what will take their place. Because it's a routine to her now.
Think about Finn. Try to focus back on the war. There are people's lives at risk. Bellamy notices every time because... it's Bellamy. And he always notices when she's... not her. And then he tries to help her and she ends up with a one moment. That's her routine now.
One moment to think about anything and not need to worry about Finn or the war.
And she thinks about him.
Raven looks down from his back and tries to distract herself from the feeling crawling up her arm from where he's holding onto her wrist. After a few moments the duo ends up in a small clearing in the forest. Raven looks around the area and notices flowers that she hasn't seen anywhere else.
Bellamy sits down on the grass and Raven does the same, not noticing how close she is to him. "I come here whenever... I just need to be away from everybody," Bellamy explains and he stares into the trees.
Raven stares at him for a moment before she takes a deep breath,"I had a dream about Finn,"
Bellamy's eyes snap towards the engineer and he waits for her to continue. Raven's fingers twirl a strand of grass as she tries to keep her emotions in check long enough to tell him. Because she needs to. And she knew she would tell him eventually.
"It was about that night again. It just... felt to so real. Everything was the same. The fighting and that... look he sent me when people wanted to send him to death," Raven chokes out as a few tears stream down as she relives the dream and the memory,"But... then when he was there. And Clarke began walking towards him. Everyone went away. And he told me what I've been telling myself"
As soon as the words escape her Raven wipes away the tears and looks at Bellamy. Bellamy moves himself closer and hesitates before he opens his mouth,"And what have you been telling yourself?"
"That I should've done more. Help him. Protect him. Even if it wasn't in that moment I should've done it more period. On the Arc or down here," Raven whispers before she can't stop the sobs.
"I'm the reason he was down here in the first place! I was the one who took the spacewalk but he took the fall for me and I just let him. If I didn't maybe he would still be ali-" Raven manages to blurt out before her cries make her words incomprehensible.
Bellamy grabs the girl and pulls her into his chest. Her hands grab a hold of his shirt. "You don't know if that would have kept him alive Raven," Bellamy whispers into the crook of her neck.
The both of them sit there, neither of them knowing or caring about how long it is before Raven pulls herself out of Bellamy's arms. She takes a deep breath as she wipes her cheeks, making sure they leave no evidence of the previous tears. Bellamy stares at the engineer for a moment before he finds himself wiping away a stray tear at the bottom of her cheek.
Raven freezes and looks him in the eyes before hers flicker down to his lips. Bellamy notices the action and does the same himself. Raven takes a deep breath as she realizes she was allowed two moments today.
Two moments where she could think whatever the hell she wanted. Do whatever the hell she wanted.
Her mind briefly wanders back to right after she broke up with Finn. But instead of thinking about Finn she thinks about her night with Bellamy. His hands on her back. His lips against hers. Enjoying it more than she thought she would. Expecting it to just be a fling, nothing like it was with Finn.
And it wasn't like it was with Finn. It was better actually. But Raven told herself to think about it later. When her life wasn't in danger. It was probably the first time she thought about it since Finn died. If she's going to be rewarded with another moment without Finn in her mind she's going to use it right.
Raven glances at Bellamy's lips again before she grabs a hold of his wrist. He sends her a confused look before she leans up and captures his lips with her own.
Bellamy doesn't hesitate to move his lips against hers, one of his hands going to her back to keep her from falling backwards.One of Raven's hands crawling across Bellamy's jaw before tangling itself in his hair. Both of them lose themselves into the kiss. They both pull away when their lungs start screaming for air.
As they stare at each other, panting to get needed oxygen, this kiss nothing like their first. But as time ticks by they both agree without posing a question or one sound that isn't breathing passing between the two.
This one was better because they both know it meant something without guessing. Raven's mind wasn't going a mile a minute as she scavenged for her clothes from the floor of his tent. Because Bellamy wasn't laying down trying to figure out what had just happened and what he should do. Neither of them were trying to figure out what had happened between them and what they were feeling.
"It's probably time we go home," Raven whispers to Bellamy. Raven stood up from her spot and Bellamy followed, both of them walking back to Camp Jaha. A bright smile across Raven's face and a barely visible one on Bellamy's. Both of their eyes holding the same happiness.
Raven walked back to Camp Jaha and as they passed the armory Raven leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to Bellamy's lips before she walks back to her bed in order to go to sleep. She pulls herself out of the clothes she spent the day in and into a shirt and pants that are comfortable enough for sleep. Raven takes a deep breath as she stares at the ceiling before she falls into a deep sleep.
For once dreaming about a certain Blake sibling instead of her past.