Work Text:
8th November, nighttime
Jack sat half-dozing on the train, illuminated only by starlight and a small electric lamp above his bench. The battle was won; England was saved; the nightmare was over. Arthur, God bless him, had bought them a whole train car for the ride home, with private rooms for each of them. All the others were in bed by now, but Jack was still awake with insomnia as usual, and had come out to the little sitting area so he could look out the large window. He had half-undressed, devoid of jacket and waist-coat, and was now leaning his head against the cold glass, picking out the constellations through the frost speckles on the window.
He heard soft footsteps in the hallway, and a moment later to his surprise Van Helsing peeked his head around the corner. He was still fully-dressed except for his jacket, indicating that he had not been to bed yet. He was smiling, but something about the expression in his eyes told Jack that he was nervous. "Ah, I thought I might find you awake. May I sit?"
"Of course," Jack said, and Van Helsing settled on the bench across from him. Their shoes nearly touched, and Jack instinctively drew back his feet, not allowing himself the possibility of a casual brush. He didn't allow his mind to follow where that led— he had tried down that path once, and Van Helsing had told him, with tears in his eyes, that there was no future in that direction. They would always be planets whirling in each other's orbit but never coming close— to do so would be collision, catastrophe. Or at least, Van Helsing was convinced it would be.
He waited for Van Helsing to say something, but when he didn't, Jack settled back against the window. He only knew a few constellations, and it was stunning to see how many stars were visible away from the smog of London.
"John," Van Helsing said, and his abrupt tone made it clear that he had been building up the courage to speak for some time.
Jack had jumped slightly at his voice. "What is it, professor?"
Van Helsing reached into his waist-coat and pulled out some folded papers covered in handwriting. He held them gingerly, looking down at them with such uncharacteristic nervousness that Jack wondered if everything was all right.
At last the professor spoke. "John, as I have told you, days ago I had fear I would not survive my part of the journey."
Jack nodded silently. Yesterday Van Helsing had told the crew a surprisingly brief summary of his adventures alongside Mina, and the horror lingering in his eyes had given Jack a shiver.
"When I feared I would die, that my cold body would be found bloodless on the wastes, John, I write this." He stuck it out toward Jack, who took it, unsure what to expect.
Jack read the first few words, written in the bold but somewhat scratchy script:
MEMORANDUM. This to my old and true friend John Seward, M.D., of Purfleet, London, in case I may not see him. It may explain…
Jack tried to read further, but his eyes kept circling back to the first line. My old and true friend John Seward. My old and true friend John Seward.
His first thought in the face of death was to write to me.
Jack felt his eyes sting with the possibility of tears, and without even thinking of what he was doing, he shoved the papers back to the professor. Van Helsing looked startled, and then Jack tried to recover, give some excuse. "I… My eyes are tired." He took off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose to demonstrate. Then he blurted out, "Please read it to me."
Van Helsing hesitated, then nodded. He started from the beginning, and Jack found himself working hard to keep from trembling as the professor read.
The memorandum was long and detailed, and before long Jack got more caught up in the story than anything else, terrified to hear of how much danger Van Helsing and Mina had both been in. The train rushed on in the night, and Van Helsing read the story with emotion, his voice sometimes breaking a little as he read aloud the dangers he had faced nearly alone. His writing was vivid, and Jack could imagine everything as it happened. But the heart of the story that thrummed through him, like a golden thread in the dark, was the knowledge that this was not a diary entry, but a letter to him. For him.
Van Helsing read the last few words, which brought them up to the terrible final showdown. "And so with trust and hope, and yet full of fear, we go eastward to meet our friends— and him— whom Madam Mina tell me that she know are coming to meet us."
He lowered the paper, and a heavy silence fell between them. Van Helsing's eyes were glistening with tears as he tried to smile at Jack. "That is all."
Jack didn't know what to say. The emotion of the moment hung between them like a thick haze.
"I— I feared I would never see you again, you see," Van Helsing managed. He was looking anywhere but Jack's eyes, folding and unfolding the papers. "I— am grateful this was not the case."
Jack could not take it any longer. He fell on his knees in front of Van Helsing, grabbed his hand and kissed it. It was foolish, and he knew Van Helsing would push him away, but in the emotion of the moment he couldn't help himself. Jack kept his lips pressed against the rough skin, feeling the texture of scars and chemical burns and the fine hair, trying to put all his longing and gratitude and admiration into the gesture.
Van Helsing didn't move, didn't withdraw, didn't admonish him. Jack didn't dare look up into his eyes, and yet he could not pull away, could not stop planting reverent kisses along the hand that had slain three of their enemies and then written this letter to him, all for him.
Van Helsing's hand was trembling now, and still Jack still kissed it, bracing himself to be pushed away.
But instead, the hand in his turned, and Van Helsing's fingers brushed along his lips.
Jack didn't hesitate— he kissed the fingertips, feeling his lips tingle on the calluses, his heart aching with want. Van Helsing's breath was coming shorter, and Jack finally gathered the courage to look up, expecting to see the guilt and indecision on the professor's face that he had seen every time Jack had tried to cross this line. But there was none of that now: only singleminded eye contact, as if Jack were the only person to exist in the world.
Jack hesitated, then closed his lips over the professor's fingertips. Van Helsing made a noise, almost too soft to hear, and his fingers slid into Jack's mouth, traced the tip of his tongue, came to rest on the inside of his cheek. Jack was panting, shaking, his tongue and lips caressing the fingers, still knowing this could end at any moment.
"Oh John," Van Helsing whispered, his voice almost a moan. It sent a crackle of fire down Jack's spine, and he suppressed a whimper. The older man's fingers slipped out of Jack's mouth, but lingered along his lips. "What am I to do?"
Jack knew exactly what he wanted him to do, but he wasn't bold enough to say anything. He just stared up into Van Helsing's eyes, letting himself get lost in them, letting himself for once feel what he wanted to feel.
Van Helsing lifted his other hand, trailing his fingers over Jack's jawline until he was cupping his face with both hands. His lips were close, his breath warm and spiced with the distinct fragrance of his his tobacco, a smell that often wound its way into Jack's dreams, filled his mind with desires he couldn't speak aloud. Vaguely, Jack knew he should hate himself for letting the professor toy with him in this way, for being submissive and silent, for the way that want and need and desire flushed through him like waves of fire, but it was also gloriously heady, like the strongest dose of chloral.
"My dear friend," Van Helsing breathed. "I fear I have been too concerned with law rather than grace, with duty rather than love."
The way he said "love" made Jack's whole body quiver. His mouth was dry, his heart pounding like a heavy drum. He wetted his lips, feeling how close his tongue was to the professor's lips. "So you admit that you love me?"
"Oh, John." He spoke his name like a holy word. "You already know this, I think."
"I know you think you love me." Jack's voice was hoarse, every word harder to speak. "But it's difficult to believe it when you insist on making me suffer."
Something in Van Helsing's eyes shifted. Jack couldn't describe to himself what the change was, exactly, but in that instant, he realized that nothing was going to be the same between them again.
"Then suffer no longer," Van Helsing said, and kissed him.
Jack's whole body jolted as if he'd been punched, his breath rushing out. For a moment he had an impulse to grab the professor and drag him toward him, scrabble for every scrap of affection he could before the professor pushed him away again. But something about the gentle pressure of Van Helsing's lips on his, the warmth of his broad palms cupping Jack's face, made him go absolutely still.
When Van Helsing pulled away and looked deep into his eyes, the adoration radiating from him took Jack's breath away. Jack leaned up to him again, inhaled deeply the fragrance of his breath as he touched their mouths together, listened to the sound of their lips moving against each other, trying to experience this moment with as many senses as possible to convince himself this was not a dream.
An instant later the professor had drawn him up and settled Jack sideways in his lap, cradling his back with one arm and stroking Jack's cheek as they continued to kiss. Jack melted against him, hands slipping around the back of his neck, experiencing an almost dizzying bliss at the feeling of being held, being safe, being wanted.
Van Helsing released his lips, and Jack panted softly as the professor planted kisses along his jawline, over his sideburns. When Van Helsing spoke into his ear, his voice was unsteady with desire. "John, my friend, my dear friend. Will— will you come to my room?"
Jack felt such a surge of emotion that he couldn't speak. He just nodded, his face scratching along Van Helsing cheek.
Van Helsing eased him off his lap and gave him a smile brighter than the sun. Holding hands, they slipped down the corridor and into Van Helsing's private room, the door clicking shut behind them.