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Sometimes Ray felt like he was on the verge of losing his head, the voices inside loud, driving him almost insane.
It happened often. It was, after all, how he developed his drinking problems in the first place. Alcohol helped him not overthink. Drugs numbed the dull ache.
And then, there was Sand.
Sand, who pulled him from the depths of the sea of his insanity, all the way back to shore. Sand, who brought him to safety, to a stable ground. And even when Sand made him feel afloat, he knew he would be pulled back, like a kite flying high through a gentle summer breeze, being guided by a thread.
But Ray’s mind sometimes had a hard time grasping that he even had Sand, to begin with.
They usually spent most of their free time together, but there were nights in which Sand would have to stay at the bar, his gigs starting later than usual. Or nights when Ray would get stuck at the hostel trying to understand its issues, the complexity of the finances, why wasn’t the math mathing, why were there receipts missing, and why, most of all, was Cheum so sure that it had been him the one who had lost them.
Sand called him as soon as he was done, but Ray apologised to him saying that Cheum was still holding him hostage and he’d be there until they managed to figure it all out, despite his attempts at making her accept that all of it could wait until the next morning. She was livid, he was done, so he opted to stay and prove a point.
Ray could be responsible. He could do things right.
“I’ll head to mine then, Ray, I’m really tired tonight”, Sand spoke over the phone. Ray sighed, but it was okay.
It would be okay.
It was past two in the morning when his back hit his bed. Ray groaned loudly, hand massaging his temples, he had a headache behind his eyes that yelled exhaustion, but his brain wouldn’t quiet down. He opened his eyes and looked up at his ceiling. There were so many voices, saying so many things, he could barely distinguish them, and yet they were so fucking loud.
These were the moments he missed having a drink. These were the moments when, with each gulp of expensive scotch, the burn down his throat would wash away his sorrows while shutting off the voices, one by one, until there was none.
But that wasn’t his reality anymore, so he opted for a bath instead.
Lying in the tub wasn’t nearly as fun without Sand’s body behind him, holding his waist, or underneath him as Ray rode him on shallow water, the light splash and loud slap of skin-on-skin helping to rid his mind of any disturbances.
As he lay in bed just in shorts and a tank top, sleep wouldn’t come.
Sex could help him, but Sand’s absence made itself known even more. Frustration grew with each passing second, he couldn’t even jerk off because he couldn’t feel turned on. He was just tired, and lonely, and his mind was louder than before. Each time Ray tossed and turned, his bed somewhat grew colder, it was as if there was ice water trickling down, running over him, the lack of Sand’s warmth hitting him like a truck. His already down mood became even more sour.
He huffed. Sat up. Threw his blanket to the floor. He walked over to his wardrobe to pull something quick and easy to wear, grabbed his keys and went out.
Driving around relaxed him. Late-night drives had a weird sort of magic to them, the streets empty, the air outside fresh, lacking the scalding heat of Bangkok’s daylight suffocating him. He turned on the radio, Micro songs played on a loop.
Ray barely realised he had driven to Sand’s place in a haze. His body guided him when his mind couldn’t, those streets familiar by now with the amount of time he spent in Sand’s apartment. It only hit him that he was there when he caught himself walking up the stairs in lazy steps, feeling the exhaustion of the day weighing down on his body, and yet his mind wouldn’t stop, with seemingly a rodent doing rounds on a wheel in his head to keep it wired that bad.
He reached Sand’s door and knocked a couple of times to no avail.
He knocked some more, much louder, and heard the distinct yell from inside the neighbour’s apartment across the hall saying “It’s fucking three in the morning!”. Ray pulled up his phone then, typing Sand’s number, when suddenly his door opened.
“What’s-” he mumbled, confused, voice extra scratched from sleep and the gig he played just a few hours earlier. Sand was shirtless, sleeping shorts hanging low on his stomach, one eye closed and the other one barely open, “Ray?” at the sight of Ray in front of him, he straightened up immediately, blinking both eyes wide.
Ray just smiled.
“Is there anything wrong?” Sand asked, voice laced with worry as he pulled Ray inside, into his arms, before he closed the door behind them.
Ray’s arms instinctively went around Sand’s neck, the heat from his body relaxing him like no bath, no blankets, no whiskey would ever manage. He felt Sand holding his waist, hand going under his shirt, second nature to him by now.
He felt a featherlike kiss on his jaw.
“Ray, baby, are you okay? Please, answer me” Sand murmured and goosebumps ran all over Ray’s body. He nodded as he pulled back enough to hold Sand’s face and kiss his lips.
“Come on a drive with me?” Ray looked into his eyes, he saw the moment Sand’s eyes widened slightly when recognition crossed them.
By the start of Ray’s journey to sobriety, there were a few times when he showed up at Sand’s place in the middle of the night. The very first ones were due to withdrawal symptoms. Sand would hold Ray’s shaking body and stay awake with him until it got better. And then, when those subdued, his unannounced visits happened thanks to one out of two options: he couldn’t sleep because he was horny and needed to be pounded into the mattress, or he couldn’t sleep and wanted to drive around, like a toddler that needed to be lulled into sleep by the soft rumble of a car engine.
And that night, Ray needed the latter.
He knew Sand worried nonetheless, Ray was aware of how scary the first few times had been, so his first reaction was always to assume that Ray wasn’t feeling well.
Ray pecked Sand’s lips again, and again, until Sand finally deepened it and Ray sighed into it. When he pulled back and looked into Sand’s eyes still waiting for a response, Sand simply nodded at him with a small smile on his face.
“Let me just put on some clothes” he mumbled as he let go of Ray’s waist and headed to his bedroom. Ray followed suit.
“I’m really sorry to wake you, I know you’re tired,” Ray said apologetically as he sat on top of the rumpled sheets. He looked over at Sand who had finished buttoning up his jeans.
Sand shook his head.
“It’s okay, you know I would rather have you wake me than have you suffer on your own”.
Ray felt his heart squeezing inside his chest.
He didn’t deserve this man in his life. Sometimes he felt like Sand would leave at any second. Ray feared sometimes that if Sand was out of his sight for too long, he would maybe realise that Ray wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth the trouble, wasn’t worth the sleepless nights.
But then, Sand would always shut off his insecurities by telling him things like that.
You know you can call me anytime.
You know you can wake me, it’s okay.
You know I would rather be with you than have you suffering on your own.
Sand put on a light jacket ruffled his hair to get rid of the excess mess, and offered his palm up towards Ray.
“Keys.” Ray looked up to him and smiled.
“I can drive, I’ve been awake for longer, you just woke up” They walked back to the living room to gather the rest of their things.
“That’s exactly the point. I know you. You’ll start getting sleepy soon, let me drive, at least I managed to rest a little bit” Sand insisted. He reached for the keys in Ray’s front pocket and Ray smirked at him.
“If you want to get into my pants, the button is a bit more to the left” Sand rolled his eyes and smirked back at Ray’s flirting. Ray took the opportunity to kiss him on the lips again. “I’m serious, I can drive. Or at least let me drive to a convenience store to get a coffee in you” he said, looking back at Sand who seemed to accept his offer.
“Sounds good enough, then. Let’s go”.
They grabbed their phones and headed out.
The convenience store wasn’t that far. Sand was beside Ray on the passenger seat and looked outside at the night lights. He mumbled softly to whatever was on the radio, the playlist they had made together playing now. It was filled with 90’s rock, early 2000’s punk, and all the oldies that Ray loved to bits. He had learned to enjoy new songs, and Sand always appreciated whatever Ray felt like listening to.
After a quick stop to grab the coffee he had promised Sand (as well as a couple of doughnuts for them to share), as soon as Ray walked back to the car he noticed Sand had switched seats already.
He huffed out as he got in.
“Don’t you want to get this inside you first?” he handed Sand the warm cup, steam escaping from the small opening on top. Sand accepted it and took a sip, scrunching up his nose as the liquid hit his tongue “Sand, that’s piping hot!” Ray chided, reaching over to take the cup back from Sand’s hand.
“Well, guess I found out the worst way” he shook his head in distaste, “anyway, I’d rather be inside instead of getting it inside me, although I wouldn’t complain” he replied suggestively, Ray laughed “But no. I’m okay, really, Ray. You just sit and be the passenger princess you’re meant to be” Sand turned on the car and drove it back to the road.
Ray smiled at him.
“You can be inside whatever you want later” Ray bit his doughnut and licked his lips as well as his fingertips exaggeratedly, knowing Sand was watching him through the rearview mirror.
“You’re a menace,” Sand sighed, Ray laughed loudly for the first time that night.
That. That was what he needed.
“Here, bite it, it’s delicious” he raised the baked good to Sand’s mouth and he took a generous bite. Ray savoured another bit, feeling like he could taste Sand’s lips on it too this time. Somehow, it tasted sweeter.
They didn’t have a place in mind to go to, but they usually had a route they enjoyed doing in late-night drives like this. They’d go to the bustling streets downtown to look at the movement, people leaving clubs, queuing over food stalls, the thick smell of old oil permeating the air. Then they would head to the outskirts of the city, on the highway, where Sand could go faster, the fresh wind pouring through the windows.
And as they drove, Ray looked at it all, took life in. Sometimes he’d turn the music up louder, he’d yell his favourite lyrics off-key, then he’d look to his side to see Sand pretending to close one ear, whining that Ray’s singing was terrible, even though Ray knew Sand enjoyed his voice. Then Ray would purposefully pick Sand’s favourite songs to get him singing as well. Sand wouldn’t yell it out like him, but he’d laugh along and Ray would see his eyes sparkle as he shook his head whenever Ray would gesticulate dramatically, miming a mic up in his hand.
Until time passed and it would reach a moment when they’d be so far away from everything that the city lights would almost disappear. Ray would tire out from singing. Sand would keep one hand on the steering wheel and another clamped down on Ray’s thigh, thumb caressing him mindlessly. And the songs would get slower, lower, softer.
Ray could still smell the coffee from the now-empty cup. He could still feel his fingers slightly greasy from the doughnuts they had eaten before. The breeze coming from outside made him shiver, so he smiled as he closed his eyes, enjoying it.
“Do you want to talk about what made you lose sleep?” Sand finally asked. He kept his eyes mainly on the road, but he peeked at Ray now and then. Ray looked at his face, warmth bubbling inside his chest. Like always. Like ever.
He sighed, adjusting himself on the passenger seat, getting progressively more comfortable.
“There was nothing in particular,” he said, Sand hummed in acknowledgement, “It was messy at the hostel, some receipts went missing, there was much more money than we should have, and Cheum still seems to deem me useless, even though it wasn’t my fault”.
With Sand in Ray’s life, he didn’t feel as much of a burden as he used to, not long before, but there were days… There were days that he still saw the doubt in his friends' eyes. He still heard the judgement in their tone. He knew there was a part of them that still thought he was spoiled, a good-for-nothing, and a nuisance.
He felt Sand’s fingers tightening on his leg, comforting.
“Did you guys manage to sort it out?”
“Yes, Cheum found the missing crap inside her own purse and she had forgotten she had put it there,” Ray huffed out and rolled his eyes remembering it. He felt a bitterness in his tongue as he said “Sometimes I feel like they want me away from there” he admitted.
Sand stayed quiet for a moment, but his fingers were still tight on Ray’s thigh. Ray knew he was trying to find appropriate words amidst his anger. Whenever he told Sand about the issues in the hostel, Sand would always be supportive of him, but Sand never denied how frustrating it was that Ray seemed to always be taken for granted and treated like nothing more than a bank to his friends. Sand would repeat over and over again that he knew Ray was trying hard to put in the work to keep the place running, even while his friends were way over themselves.
“If that’s what they want, it would be their loss, Ray, not yours” Sand finally muttered. Ray looked at him then, right when Sand turned his head to him, and he smiled. Ray moved his hand over to Sand’s, entwining their fingers.
That’s when he noticed that the voices, all the yells of doubt, uneasiness, frustration and pain, had gone quiet.
All Ray could hear now was the low song still on the radio, the rumble of the car, the wind coming from outside, and Sand’s voice humming along whatever was playing. He rested his head against the door and closed his eyes, sleep finally catching to him.
When Ray opened his eyes again, it was to a parked car and Sand’s hand shaking his shoulder lightly, voice softly calling his name.
“We’re here,” Ray felt as Sand tried to pull him out of the car, but he felt his body heavier than usual, sleep clinging badly to him. “Ray, you’re small but I can’t carry you upstairs, so help me a little, will you?” he heard Sand’s voice close to his ear and he tried harder to open his eyes and move his limbs.
“-arry mm-,” he mumbled incoherently. Ray felt his feet touching the ground then, Sand’s arms surrounding him and he knew he was moving his legs but he couldn’t understand how. He saw flashes of Sand’s building.
“If you’re asking me to marry you, I hope you have a better proposal” Sand chuckled low, “if you’re asking me to carry you, I am trying, Ray, but I need your help baby, come on. We’re almost home”, Ray laid half his weight on Sand’s body, but he finally opened his eyes enough to remember how to move one foot in front of the other.
He heard the jingle of keys, he smelled the sweetness from Sand’s sheets, and before he knew it, he was lying on his pillow, on his side of his boyfriend’s bed. He felt Sand pawing at his jeans, trying to pull them out.
“You can do whatever you want, Sand, I give you my consent” Ray mumbled half-conscious as he heard another low chuckle.
“We can do that later, I’m just trying to get you more comfortable” Ray felt his pants being pulled, followed by his shirt, and he was left only in his boxers. He curled on his side, whining about how it was cold “I know, but you always cling to me and we sweat, that’s why I’m leaving you only in underwear, baby” Sand kept whispering to him, manoeuvring his body, his touches gentle.
As soon as he felt the bed dipping, Ray reached out and pulled Sand towards him. He felt Sand covering him up and adjusting him on his chest. He felt Sand’s arm around his body, protective, possessive, and he felt Sand’s kiss on his forehead.
Ray’s voices inside his head had finally quieted down, and now all he could hear was Sand’s heartbeat as he drifted off to sleep.
When he next woke up, it was to an empty bed. Before he opened his eyes, he tapped around the side he knew Sand would be in, a habit he had acquired. When he felt nothing, he tried blinking awake to look, but the light of the room was still too bright for him to handle. He buried his head on the bedsheets underneath him, breathing in deep, Sand’s smell clinging dearly to it.
But then it hit him.
He steeled immediately, old fear running through.
The night before came rushing in.
Despite how deeply safe, how deeply loved he felt around Sand, there were still moments when he felt like Sand would just get up and go, far away from him. There were still moments when he felt like Sand’s patience with him would run out, when he felt like the shit he did the night before - to wake him up at ass in the morning to drive around town - would become too much, Ray would become too much, and Sand would leave.
As easily as the voices had gone away, they came back.
Always loud.
Always screaming.
“Of course it happened, you dumbass. Of course he left. He doesn’t want you anymore. He left. He left you alone. That’s what you deserve.”
Ray panicked as he sat up in bed, eyes suddenly wide searching the room. He kept tapping the bed as if trying to make sense of it, as if that would make Sand appear out of thin air, but, of course of course, nothing happened. The bed was still empty. Ray was still panicking.
But then, in a brief second of sobriety, Ray took a ragged breath and chanced another look around himself.
He was in Sand’s bedroom. In Sand’s bed, tangled in Sand’s sheets just in his underwear. He closed his fingers around Sand’s pillowcase and he could still feel the warmth coming from it. The pants he had worn the night before were thrown messily over a chair by the corner of the room, right beside Sand’s own discarded clothes. On his side, on the bedside table, was all of his jewellery. And Ray knew that if he went to the bathroom, he would find there a familiar bottle of expensive shaving cream, and an electric toothbrush that wasn’t there before, but now had a special corner near the plug below the mirror so it could charge.
And none of it was Sand’s, it was his.
Ray’s belongings were all over, tainting every corner of that place.
If Sand had left, he wouldn’t have left his apartment. If Sand had left, he would have kicked Ray out instead. He would have thrown all his crap away.
The voices were loud, and Ray tried to reason with them, but the only thing that could appease the sudden uneasiness was tangible proof that his worst fear hadn’t become true.
And that’s when Ray smelled bacon.
And coffee.
So he jumped out of bed so fantastically fast that he almost tripped over his feet when the sheets got tangled around his ankle. And Ray ran the very few steps from Sand’s room to his kitchen. And there, there it was. There he was.
Sand was standing in front of the oven stirring something, wearing Ray’s shirt from the night before. It was just a white T-shirt, but it was tighter on the shoulders and shorter on the hips. His shorts hung low, the elastic worn out already from years of use but Ray knew those were Sand’s favourite pair.
When Sand finally noticed Ray there, he turned with a smile, only to have it fade as soon as he made eye contact with him.
“Ray? Are you okay? You look startled”, that’s when Ray noticed he must’ve looked wild to Sand, like a deer caught in headlights. He finally felt his heart, threatening to beat out of his chest. He was still processing all of it, fear clinging to his fingertips, but slowly vanishing away the more he looked around and let reality sink in.
And Sand, Sand was there, looking back at him. His hair was mussed, and his face had creases from sleep. He held two plates filled with food, and Ray looked from him to the table on his side, where a faded tablecloth was spread over, a cup of coffee sitting in front of Sand’s usual spot and a cup of orange juice right by his side, because Ray had once told him he didn’t enjoy coffee that much and since then Sand kept juice in his fridge.
And at that moment, the voices who were usually thrashing him, accusing him, beating him up, for once sounded like his own as they said “he’s yours, he’s yours, you’re his and he’s yours” before it went quiet once again.
Ray walked up to Sand and threw his arms over his middle, tucked his nose on his neck. He wanted to cry, he felt the tears but he held them back. Sand laughed low and easy, dropping the plates onto the table before he hugged Ray back, surrounding him in his warmth.
"What's with the hug? You're not this snuggly in the mornings usually, not unless we're in bed", he mumbled near Ray’s ear, as he dropped a gentle kiss right below it, “good morning, by the way. I made breakfast”
Ray just held him tighter. Logically, he knew it was dumb, stupid even. But Ray still struggled to accept that he was loved. Very much so.
"I thought you were gone", he murmured, sour. Pained.
He swore he tried, but it was hard, so hard.
Sand hummed and dropped another kiss, this time on his neck. His fingertips caressed Ray’s nape, he adjusted his hair, tucking away a few wild strands that were poking outward, and Sand breathed him in. Ray knew Sand understood it.
"You're in my apartment, silly, why would I be gone from my own house, of course not", Sand finally muttered back, Ray could hear the gentleness behind the attempted humour.
Ray pulled back pouting and pretended to hit Sand’s shoulder, earning a chuckle back. He could still feel his heart going fast, but the fear was now completely gone while in Sand’s arms. Ray got on his tiptoes and kissed Sand’s lips, his hands automatically going to his hair, pulling lightly. He felt as Sand’s laughter died out on his tongue as he pulled his body closer.
Sand could quiet Ray’s mind down. Sand’s voice, his touch, his lips, his laughter and even his snarky remarks, Sand brought Ray the peace he couldn’t ever find on his own.
After a couple of deep kisses, lazy tongues entwining in a delicious brush, Ray lessened them to a few wet pecks, until he moved to Sand’s neck to leave a quick bite as punishment for having made him panic. Sand hissed.
“Ow! What’s the bite even for?”
“For leaving me alone in your bed,” he let go of Sand’s body, rounded the table and sat at his usual chair, right beside Sand’s.
Ray smirked at him as he picked up his cup of orange juice and motioned with his head for Sand to sit with him. Sand shook his head in disbelief, mouthing “You’re a menace” to Ray as he finally sat down and together they started eating.
“Ray, I don’t know what goes on in that head of yours, but I hope you know you’re not getting rid of me that easily, alright?” Sand spoke up in between bites, looking Ray in the eyes. He then lowered his fork and squeezed Ray’s hand under the table. “Now that you’re in my life, I’m not letting you get away” he echoed back to him, the one thing that Ray told him all those months ago, the one thing that he had meant more genuinely than anything else in his entire life.
This sparkled up such happiness that laughter bubbled up in Ray’s chest, so he let it out.
Of course. Of course. Of course.
“I sure fucking hope so,” Ray responded, eyes teary, giddy. Sand smiled and bent over enough to peck Ray’s lips.
Sometimes Ray felt like he was on the verge of losing his head, the voices loud, driving him insane.
But Sand, Sand quieted them down.
He quieted them down by driving fast on the highway in the middle of the night. He quieted them down by singing along to Ray’s favourite songs. He quieted them down by laughing together, by gulping down coffee, by munching on baked goods. He quieted them down by asking Ray to speak up. Sand quieted him down by letting Ray sleep on his chest while he listened to his breathing pattern, by holding his waist and kissing his forehead.
Sand quieted them all down.
Until they were so low that Ray could finally hear his own heartbeat.
Until they became so silent that Ray could hear Sand’s heartbeat too.
Until there was nothing else but their own steady rhythm that brought him the certainty of safety he always looked for and, finally, had found.