Work Text:
I wonder if you tried to call but couldn't find your phone
Have I ever crossed your thoughts because your name's all over mine?
A moment in time, don't watch me cry
A moment in time, don't watch me cry
I'm not crying 'cause you left me on my own
I'm not crying 'cause you left me with no warning
I'm just crying 'cause I can't escape what could've been
Are you aware when you set me free?
All I can do is let my heart bleed
- Don’t Watch Me Cry, Jorja Smith
Nakajima Atsushi’s phone vibrates off his futon, it echoes once it hits the hardwood floor, he thinks about how his phone is new, nothing like the flimsy flip phone he was first given, but it doesn’t bother him, he keeps the world from getting to see his dulled ametrine irises. His eyelids feel heavy like they’ve grown a second or even a third layer, they must’ve, there’s no other plausible explanation for it, his eyes sting, and his throat feels like a bed of needles as he tries to swallow. His phone’s vibrating again, the person on the other line hasn’t gotten the hint, his ears feel clogged with cotton probably a side effect from blowing his nose one too many occasions. He fumbles for his phone, he doesn’t want to look at who’s calling him at an ungodly hour (it’s probably a reasonable hour, but any hour awake now has become ungodly to him), and he reluctantly answers. “Atsushi-kun” he recognizes the voice, he doesn’t want to have this conversation, he doesn’t want any conversation, but he knows the older man on the other line won’t let him avoid it. “Don’t you want to visit—“, “I really don’t, Dazai-san” his own voice sounds foreign to him. It becomes somewhat a routine, Osamu Dazai phones him once or twice a week to suggest the same thing, he says no, Osamu will then ask him for a second time as if Atsushi’s judgment was wrong the first time, to which Atsushi says no again, sometimes Atsushi ends the call before Osamu can ask again, he doesn’t mean to but he has all this resentment that feels like it’s burning his esophagus like bile wanting to come out, he spits it out on the older man.
He hears a cackle and rustling of sheets on the other line and murmurs, “Ji-Atsushi” It’s a sterner voice laced with concern, Nakahara Chuuya he recognizes, he was conscious enough not to use that nickname, the nickname Atsushi had loathed for the longest time only to yearn for that idiotic nickname to be uttered by the very man who’d given him that nickname. He swallows harshly, he’s not so sure when was the last time he’d consumed water, much less anything lately. “I don’t particularly meddle in yours and my boy’s affairs unlike the shitty Mackarel, but why don’t you want to? Visit him, I mean” Chuuya says sighing, Atsushi opens his eyes at the question, he squints to adjust to the minimum light he allows in his apartment, no one’s bothered to ask it outright, as if it bears a weight, as if it bears a curse, asking about him, making mere mention of him around Atsushi. It could be that they know how it had torn him at the seams so violently, that he wept until he had lost consciousness, he woke up in the infirmary of the Agency, unable to talk and every muscle in his body stiff, they treated him as if he was made of annealed glass, too fragile but terribly dangerous once broken into shards, you get cut with one touch. He lets out a sardonic laugh, months ago, he wouldn’t have even dared to breathe the wrong way around the mafia executive, but in this moment, no one means anything to him, all titles and positions are decorative to him, and nothing means anything to him anymore. “Him? Do you mean a monument that commemorates him? That isn’t him, it’ll never be him, it’s a mockery of him at best.” His throat hurts, this is the most he’s spoken in weeks or months, he’s not so sure, again, he’s not the most trustworthy with time, the days blend with each other, he’s not so sure he’s trustworthy with anything at this point. Chuuya sighs on the other line, he hears Osamu say something indistinct, something he’s probably not supposed to hear, he wants to end the call, this is the longest he’s ever let a call go on. “Look, Atsushi I think I can speak from experience, you need to come to terms with your emotions that’s why you keep being asked to visit. Peop—I mean we just want to help, it’ll be a step towards that” Chuuya finally speaks, “I’ve come to terms with my emotions in that very moment, I don’t need a stupid carved rock for it” Atsushi retorts and ends the call.
He feels like his head’s been split into two, his eyes adjust around his dim room, he sits up, there’s a sharp pain in his chest, his cheeks feel wet, and he feels a sob trying to rip through the seams of his frayed heart, a hand clamps over his mouth as the sob wrecks through. It throws him out of his axis, his whole body shakes, he curls in on himself hugging his knees to his chest to balance himself, “w-why?” He sobs out, “W-why did you have to leave me, Ryuu?” He hugs himself so tight, his arms ache and the flimsy dam in his heart has broken, “y—y-you promised we wouldn’t need anyone but each other” he screams to the void of his bedroom, his throat hurts, he roughly wipes his tears, he clutches his chest, it hurts, tears won’t stop falling. “You promised, Ryuunosuke” he whispers as if the older man would hear him, “you—you said you would never leave me, you promised, you—you promised, Ryuu, you said—you—you never break prom—ises, w-wh—why did y-you break thi—“ his sobs break his screams, his throat feels raw, he feels like he’s been stabbed over and over in his chest, he buries his face on his knees, his body violently shaking with sobs.
“Aniki, what are you thinking about?” Gin’s voice interrupts Ryuunosuke looking out his bedroom window. He turns to her, her hair’s down and she’s in a pale green dress, she had just gotten back from a mission, and he knows, he had to deal with the papers after all. “Nothing, everything” he responds, she nods looking straight at the window, “he hasn’t been okay, aniki” She says it too carefully, as if she’s walking on ice, her face gives her emotions away, she’s concerned, he’s been burying himself in paperwork and training until his lungs feel like they’re on fire. Ryuunosuke fixes his face in a frown, “I-I can’t, we can’t let him know yet…”, he hesitates, “but how is he exactly?” He bites the inside of his cheek, he hates that he wants to know, he hates that he has to agree to this, he hates all of this. His last memory of Atsushi’s Ametrine eyes glassy and rimmed red, the same eyes that would reflect the early morning or just right before the sun sets, Atsushi screaming through his sobs and trying so desperately to reach for him injuring himself in the process, he shakes his head. “Chuuya-san and Dazai-san told me not to visit, he probably won’t answer. My face might make the whole ordeal worse apparently, according to Dazai-san” Gin scoffs blowing at a strand of hair that fell over her steel eyes. “They have a valid point, genetics and well everything else” Ryuunosuke muses looking at her, “tch, Jinko hasn’t been back at work at all you know, no one is getting through to him, even Mori-san is concerned, Mori-san’s never concerned, he still thinks you’re—“, “I just said we can’t let him know yet, Gin”, he interrupts sternly, “but it’s so… messed up, don’t you think? The one person who should know you’re alive and kicking, just doesn’t,” she retorts, her face scrunches up, she glares at her brother. Ryuunosuke frustratedly runs a hand through his hair, his sister has a point, but the Agency President and Ango had advised Mori to make sure Ryuunosuke lays low until everything’s been cleared, including whatever he had done under the vampire fiasco, he’s surprised Mori agreed to it, albeit the salary cut as all he does is paperwork or training in a designated room only he, Gin, or Chuuya are allowed to enter.
Ryuunosuke hears Gin move to sit beside him on the alcove, her phone vibrates, she looks at it confused and she hesitantly answers, “Chuuya-san?”. She hums to answer Chuuya on the other line, he eyes her skeptically. “Well, I thought Dazai-san—Oh, again?” She says her face painted with shock, she stays silent offering hums in response, his eyebrows knit together, she ends the call and sighs. Ryuunosuke stares at his sister, and she looks away, “Gin, what happened?”, he asks cautiously, she looks up then at the view again, contemplating, he can see the cogs in her brain trying to put together words that won’t make his heart drop (they both know it will either way). She stays silent, “Gin, what happened?” Ryuunosuke repeats his question, as she fiddles with her fingers. She takes a deep breath, “Chuuya said the farmer boy?”, “Kenji”, Ryuunosuke corrects her, “Yeah him, he had to break into Jinko’s apartment because he wasn’t answering the door.” Gin says looking at Ryuunosuke, he feels like his throat’s been slashed again, it might as well have, Ryuunosuke motions to continue, “The thing is Jinko always answers when it’s the farm-Kenji, something about him being a little brother to him, but he didn’t this time. He was passed out when Kenji finally broke in, they don’t know how long he had been unconscious, he’s in the agency’s infirmary again, Dazai-san said, well their president said I should go see him, maybe a new face would help. I honestly think I should’ve seen him long ago” She takes a deep breath again, if it wasn’t so serious, he’d laugh, that’s the most Gin has spoken in one sitting. “Wait again?” Ryuunosuke says he looks at his sister, her eyes widen, “I think I failed to mention the first two times”, her voice is quiet, Ryuunosuke can’t find it in him to be upset at his sister for withholding that information, she knows him well enough to know that he would’ve lost all patience and whatever will power to go to Atsushi the first time it happened. His chest hurts and his shoulders feel heavy, the realization of just how much pain he’s caused Atsushi, on one hand, he should be elated and over the moon in a sadistic sense, he’s confirmed his importance to the younger man, on the other hand, he’s been hurting him to the point that he’s broken him, Ryuunosuke would rather have his life taken again than hurting Atsushi. “I feel like I’d be taunting him, you know, walking in there after all this time, with well my face, checking on him. It’s sadistic isn’t it? I’m quite cruel myself, but I don’t think I’m evil,” Gin says quietly breaking Ryuunosuke away from his thoughts, “you’re not cruel or evil, Gin and I thought you wanted to check on him” he responds, she looks at him concerned, his voice gave him away, “I do, but I think this is just cruel now. I realized that I’m going to walk in there knowing full well you’re alive and he’s drowning in his grief, getting suffocated by it,” she says looking away. Ryuunosuke doesn’t know how to respond, “But I’ll see how he’s doing for your sake, Aniki” She breaks the silence.
There’s a recurring beep, it prods at his brain, it irritates Atsushi, he feels a discomfort in his left hand, his head feels like it’s underwater, and every muscle in his body feels like it’s been torn apart. “Atsushi-kun, I know you’re awake”, Atsushi opens his eyes and squints the fluorescent lights too bright for him, he looks at the source of the voice, amber eyes fixed on him, Osamu sits on the chair backward, he leans over the chair, his elbows are on the bed as he rests his chin on his hands, Chuuya leans on the wall with his arms crossed, eyeing Atsushi with concern. Atsushi lets out a shaky breath, “ah, you have a dainty little guest” Osamu says lightly, he looks over at the new intruder, Akutagawa Gin missing her signature black lizard mask and black coat, her hair’s down and she’s wearing a pale blue dress and lavender cardigan, she’s carrying pastries and a black fleece jacket, she looks at him with the same steel grey eyes he sees in his dreams. “Chuuya-san, Dazai-san” she greets them, they both nod at her as they motion to leave, “don’t have too much fun, Atsushi-kun” Osamu says too chipper, Chuuya hits him on the back of the head, Osamu squawks as they both walk out. Atsushi watches as Gin places the bag of pastries on the side table, she fixes the chair, pulls the chair closer as she sits down, she gently places the black fleece jacket on the bed by his hand. Atsushi looks away, he’s suddenly self-conscious, the skin around his eyes purple and bruised from being rubbed raw and sleepless nights, his cheeks hollow from the lack of an appetite, and his hair a mess.
“Ji—Atsushi-san” her voice soft almost like a whisper, he looks at her hesitantly, “this is Aniki’s, you should have it,” she says gesturing at the jacket, he looks down at the jacket, he recognizes it from one of the autumn nights Ryuunosuke and him sat by the port. Gin knows she didn’t have to tell him, but she did anyways, she looks at him expectantly, he remembers how handsome Ryuunosuke looked in that jacket, his nose was a little pink, his cheeks flushed, reluctantly sharing it with Atsushi, he laughed as the older male rolled his silver eyes but pulled him closer to enclose the jacket around both of them. Ryuunosuke as he let the world interpret him as cold and ruthless, liked to make the world think he was inhuman and immune to feeling. But he was a completely different man with the people he held dear. Ryuunosuke was warm and caring, Ryuunosuke liked comfort and liked being comfort to people he cared about, he was comfort to Atsushi and vice versa, Atsushi liked to think. Ryuunosuke had left a black hoodie of the same brand in his apartment before they were assigned to a mission before everything had fallen apart, it’s one of the only things of Ryuunosuke that Atsushi has, and he knows she knows also. Atsushi knows Ryuunosuke well enough, he’s come to know Gin quite well, but right now, he feels like he’s looking at the ghost of someone he once knew.
She opens her mouth to say something but opts to shake her head instead, “Cat got your tongue?” He manages to say, his voice hoarse from the lack of use and well, lack of everything. Gin scoffs in amusement, she rolls her eyes like her brother, “I haven’t seen you in a while, I was starting to think you died too” she says looking down at her hands, trust that an Akutagawa would make a joke like that, he lets out a strained chuckle, “I might as well have”, his throat aches, he struggles to sit up, she attempts to help, but he politely waves her off, until he sits himself up, she still takes a pillow and places it behind his back. Silence envelopes them, Gin hands Atsushi a glass of water, he drinks it, the first gulp hurts, but he downs it either way. He stares blankly at the empty bed facing his, if he was just quick enough, strong enough to have brought Ryuunosuke here, if he had been quick enough to stop that stupid blad–“Has that bed wronged you in any way? Or can you perhaps see something no one else can?” Gin’s voice interrupts his ruminations. He feels her steel grey gaze on him waiting for an answer, “it wasn’t enough, I didn’t do–I wasn’t enough” he barely manages to say, he avoids her gaze, he looks down at his hands, picking at the hang nail.
Atsushi hears Gin sigh, “I don’t think Ryuu-nii would want you to destroy yourself like this, Atsushi-san”, she says, he lets out a dry laugh. “I don’t know what to do with all this” he motions, his eyes wide, his hand hitting his own chest, his hands tangling in his hair, “all this, what–what am I supposed to do? What do I do then, Ryuu?” he says with an empty smile, he looks up at the fluorescent lights. Gin stays silent watching him concerned, “yo–you loved him,” she says quietly, “no,” he pauses and meets her shocked gaze, “I love him” his words come out shakily it hurts his throat, his eyebrows furrow. She opens her mouth to respond, he shakes his head, and he gulps trying to muster up enough energy to continue, “I love-I love him… so much. God, I love him so much, too much,” He squints as he barely gets the words out, his cheeks are wet with his tears, and his eyes sting. He continues “I have all this love, just all of it, I have so much of it for him, I have so much damn love for him, I never even thought I could feel that I could possess that much love just for one person” his throat strains, he lets out a hoarse laugh, the tears won’t stop, he continues, “but he’s not… He’s not, Ryuu’s not…. I don’t know what to do with it, where do I put all that love? When he’s not here, he’s not… He’s such a smartass, he always had answers to everything, why didn’t he leave me with an answer to that? Where do I put all this love for him? Where?” Atsushi’s sobbing, as he curls in on himself, Gin looks away, wiping her own tears, “did you ever get to tell him?” she asks looking at him, she wants to reach out but she’s so afraid that Atsushi would fall apart if she did. “No, you want to know what your brother said? He said we should wait until this is all over, so we could resolve whatever this all is” Atsushi says bitterly, more tears threaten to fall from his ametrine eyes, he rests his chin on his knees, remnants of his sobbing shows in the shaking of his body. Gin notices how small Atsushi’s gotten, how frail he had become, she hesitantly reaches out for his hand, “Maybe if I wait a little longer, it’ll actually be over. Just maybe if I wait a little longer, Ryuu said when this is all over. Maybe, he’ll come back… Maybe Ryuu will come back” he says softly, he hiccups and tears fall, he holds her hand, his eyes look into the distance.
Atsushi fell asleep not long after, exhaustion seeped into his bones and he succumbed to sleep, his face contorted into anger and grief, he was having a nightmare, but before Gin could do anything, Osamu quietly beckoned her to come out. She looks at Osamu warily, she doesn’t get what his actual plan is, she understands Ryuunosuke’s admiration for the elder male, but right now she despises it. Gin sees her brother work himself to the point of exhaustion to avoid his thoughts and his emotions, all for the sake of an order. Gin sees Nakajima Atsushi who goes in head first for the sake of others, who offers warm smiles and genuine words, Nakajima Atsushi who’s managed to embody the sun and warmth, Nakajima Atsushi who tried to compose himself just to fall apart at the seams, his heart frayed and broken, getting suffocated by his own grief, by his own love for her very much alive brother. Gin feels anger bubbling in her chest, she doesn’t understand what the plan is at this point, “Gin-kun, mind dropping your knives?” Osamu says sweetly, wiggling his eyebrows at her hands equipped with knives. She takes a breath, she places her knives back, she sees the other agency members eye her warily, they have a permanent truce and collaboration in place as far as she knows, as far as she’s been instructed, she scoffs, two of the reasons why the truce and collaboration are in place aren’t even here. Chuuya sighs, “Jinko must’ve said something to garner your reaction” he places a hand over her shoulder, she looks the redhead in the eye, she opens her mouth, “Gin, please join us for the meeting” Fukuzawa says as he looks at her, Yukichi Fukuzawa holds himself with the same revere and esteem that Mori Ogai does, except significantly less harrowing, but all the same intimidating, Gin thinks.
Chuuya prefers to lean by the wall of the meeting room, Osamu sits on the table, Fukuzawa sits on the chair at the head of the table, and Gin sits at the other end, waiting, for someone, or anyone to say something, her phone vibrates. Chuuya motions for her to check it, she quickly looks at it, Ryuunosuke .
From: Ryuunosuke, 1:15 PM JST
Are you alright?
From: Ryuunosuke, 2:37 PM JST
What time are you heading home today? I know your schedule.
From: Ryuunosuke, 4:45 PM JST
Is he alright?
She quickly types out a response.
To: Ryuunosuke, 4:50 PM JST
I got called for a meeting with the president of the agency. I’ll make sure to be home after this.
“Who knew Akutagawa-kun could be such a protective older brother?” Osamu muses elbows propped on his knees and leaning on his arms, he looks at Gin, Chuuya hits him on the back of the head, he blows a raspberry at him, Fukuzawa glares at Osamu, he raises his hands in defense. Fukuzawa sighs, “Gin, how is your older brother?” he says looking at her with an unreadable expression, how does she even answer that question? How is Ryuunosuke? Ever since he had miraculously risen from the dead, freed from that stupid vampire disease and his lung disease, and revived by the Agency doctor, he was itching and clawing to get to Atsushi until he was physically restrained from doing so. Ryuunosuke was told that if he in any way made contact with Atsushi letting him know that he wasn’t dead, he would not only endanger Atsushi, but the ADA and the Port Mafia as well. Ryuunosuke obeyed, restraining himself, shrinking himself to obey to wait for when he could. But ultimately becoming a shell of himself, following a routine, attending meetings, and training until his lungs burned and his heart hurt from beating against his ribcage. Ryuunosuke would stare into the distance, waiting and hoping Atsushi doesn’t give up on him, on them. Gin remembers her brother’s face, how his eyes became clouded with worry, his eyebrows furrowed, his mouth fixed in a frown when she had told him, guilt plagued her when she had kept the information that Atsushi had wept himself unconscious, how Ryuunosuke’s resolve cracked at that moment. “I don’t think I can speak for a dead man walking,” she says staring at the wall beside Chuuya, “Gin” Chuuya says sternly, his sapphire eyes gazing at her with worry. She sighs, “I just", she pauses, "how much longer do we have to keep it a secret?” she asks looking at Fukuzawa, “That’s why I wanted to meet with you today, as of today, Mori and the rest of Port Mafia have just been informed that we don’t have to disclose Akutagawa Ryuunosuke’s status anymore,” Fukuzawa says looking at her expectantly.
Gin feels like she’s been frozen in her spot, it’s been at least half a year since everything had happened since her brother had been pronounced dead for the ADA and Port Mafia’s reputation and safety. It’s also been more than half a year since Atsushi and Ryuunosuke have seen each other, Atsushi’s been living like a ghost suffocating for more than half a year thinking the love of his life is dead. Gin stands up abruptly, “I have to tell Atsushi. I have to tell Aniki, I have to.” she says hurriedly, Osamu grabs her arm before she can leave the room, her eyes widen at him, “Why don’t we just make them see each other, Gin-kun?” Osamu says tilting his head, “but–”, “I think that would be the better option.” Fukuzawa interrupts her eyeing her phone. She hurriedly fusses over her phone to call her brother, she taps her foot, and hair falls over her eyes, Osamu still holds onto her arm, “Gin? Are you alright?” Ryuunosuke’s voice sounds calm but she could hear the hint of worry, she never really calls him unless absolutely necessary. “Aniki, you can come see him” she breathes, she feels like a weight has been released from her shoulders. Ryuunosuke’s silent on the other line, she hears him sigh, “Gin I told you not–”, “Hasn’t Mori-san informed you?” she interrupts him, “Informed me of what? Wait, Gin I’m getting a call from him, I probably need to go to the headquarters. I don’t know if I’ll be home when you get home, but I’ve prepared dinner, be safe” Ryuunosuke says before ending the call. Gin groans, rubbing her face roughly after she sets her phone on the table, Chuuya and Osamu look at her, she grits her teeth, and Fukuzawa looks at her, “he was called to headquarters. He’s still sticking by yours and Mori-san’s word” Gin says looking at Fukuzawa, he nods in understanding, “No one tells Atsushi yet. Let him see for himself. For now, this meeting is done, Gin and Chuuya thank you for your time.” Fukuzawa instructs them.
Gin hurries back to their apartment, she takes her shoes off, she looks at the ganken, Ryuunosuke’s shoes aren’t there, and her phone vibrates.
Fr: Ryuunosuke, 6:50 PM JST
Let’s talk when I get home. I got assigned on a mission, I’m sure you already know why.
Gin grits her teeth, trust Mori to assign Ryuunosuke back on the field as a welcome back present.
She types out a response,
To: Ryuunosuke, 6:53 PM JST
Promise me you’ll stay safe, Aniki. You still have a boyfriend to come back to.
Fr: Ryuunosuke, 6:58 PM JST
When have I ever broken a promise?
Gin smiles, she walks to the kitchen and sees the food her brother cooked for her. She sits down and eats it, she wanted so badly to run into the infirmary and shake Atsushi awake, telling him the past few months were just an awful nightmare, that Ryuunosuke’s alive, that he doesn’t have to carry all that love until it suffocates him, that he can give that love to Ryuunosuke who’ll accept it wholeheartedly, who’ll return that love to him ten times fold.
Atsushi wakes up to a pain in his neck from sleeping on it and being enveloped by warmth, there’s a weight on him and the scent of Italian Bergamot, Indian cardamom, Tonka bean, and Fig. His eyes widen and his heartbeat quickens, oh, Ryuunosuke’s fleece jacket, but there’s something, someone holding his right hand, he thinks he’s finally lost it. He’s hallucinating, he knows those hands, he looks slowly, a head of ink hair with silvered tips by his arm, he looks at the hand gripping his tightly, long slender pale fingers and bruised knuckles, oh, he’s lost it. He’s actually hallucinating, he sits up and lets out a dry laugh, which in turn wakes up the older man. Atsushi lets out a humorless bellied laugh, “what the hell?”, he says as he looks at silver irises he could get lost in any day, he takes in a sharp breath, he looks at Ryuunosuke who looks so real and so handsome, his dress shirt is unbuttoned at the top and his sleeves folded at his elbows, “what?” he says confused, he looks down at their intertwined fingers, he thinks this is a sick joke that the universe is playing, but God he wants to play along, if the universe or whatever deity wants to play this sick joke on him, then he’ll get nauseous in it if it means hallucinating getting to hold Ryuunosuke. his heart beats against his ribcage, his brain signaling everything wrong, he can see the mental red light, you can’t hold hands with a ghost? The older man gazes at him carefully, Atsushi throws his head back on the pillow and his left arm over his eyes, there’s a slight sting from the IV, “this is such a sick joke” he says hoarsely, and he forces out a laugh. He removes his arm from over his eyes, he looks over at the older man sitting silently and staring at him with worry. “I assure you this isn’t a joke, Jinko” Ryuunosuke finally speaks up, his voice still coated with sleep but husky and deep, God did he miss that voice Atsushi looks at him pointedly, “I’m either on so much morphine right now or I’ve actually lost it. I’m leaning towards the latter because you, you’re…” Atsushi says holding his chest, “You’re, God I’ve actually lost it. Morphine doesn’t even work on me” he continues leaning back on his pillow exasperated, he closes his eyes laughing.
“Atsushi, please look at me” Ryuunosuke’s voice warms his ears, Atsushi sits up moving their intertwined hands to his chest, he looks at Ryuunosuke, “you seem so real” he whispers pained, he kisses Ryuunosuke’s knuckles, he lets out another laugh, he feels his eyes well up, “but you’re not real, I’m going to wake up alone nothing but your jacket, Ryuu” he whispers mocking himself looking the older man in the eye. “I know you’re not real, but God, I’d do anything, anything for you to come back, Ryuu. Even for a minute, I just… Ryuunosuke, I’m going to wake up and you won’t be here, so I just, even if you’re not real, I miss you so much. God I miss you, Ryuu” Atsushi says, his throat still sore, his heart in tatters, he wants to reach out to grab the older man’s face and kiss him, but he’s so afraid it’ll make Ryuunosuke disappear, as if the universe is taunting him. Ryuunosuke doesn’t know what to say, he looks at Atsushi, his beautiful Atsushi, who now seems so fragile and small, who seems like a small animal who’d get frightened by too much movement, who seems so broken and gone. “Atsushi, I am real”. Ryuunosuke says softly pulling their intertwined hands towards him, he places a soft kiss on Atsushi’s knuckles. He watches the tears fall from Atsushi’s eyes, “this is so fucked up” Atsushi manages to say, Ryuunosuke’s other hand wipes his tears, and he kisses Ryuunosuke’s palm anyways.
“Can I hold you?” he asks hesitantly, he looks at the younger’s sunset eyes, tainted with grief and pain, he did this to him, does he even have the right to hold him? Atsushi laughs, Ryuunosuke loves the sound of his laugh, but not this one, it’s hurt and weak, “try your best to, I’ll do my part and try my best to imagine it” he says closing his eyes, Ryuunosuke moves onto the bed with ease, moving his coat to the other side of Atsushi’s blanketed legs, the younger pushes himself onto Ryuunosuke, holding him tight as if at any moment the older man could disappear, the dam breaks. Atsushi’s body wracks with sobs, Ryuunosuke holds him as he rubs circles on the younger’s back, “Wh-why? Why? Why did you leave me?” Atsushi sobs, Ryuunosuke holds him tighter, “Why do you feel so real? Why can’t you be real? When are you coming back to me, Ryuu?” Atsushi holds onto Ryuunosuke’s shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Atsushi. I’m here now, I’m real” Ryuunosuke whispers on Atsushi’s hair, he places a kiss on the crown of the younger’s head, then on his temple, then his scrunched eyelids, “I’ve really lost it, but I miss you, I miss you so much, Ryuu” he whispers in-between sobs. Ryuunosuke’s heart breaks, is this how he left Atsushi? Is this what he did to Atsushi? How does he fix this? “Atsushi, you haven’t lost anything, I’m real, I’m here” he whispers in the younger’s ear, it makes him sob more. “Ryuu, please, please come back to me. Ryuu, please, I can’t do this, Ryuunosuke, please, I’ll do anything, just please come back to me” Atsushi hiccups as he looks up at him, his ametrine eyes glassy and rimmed red, Ryuunosuke cups his face, he nuzzles into the older’s hand, Ryuunosuke kisses the tip of his red nose. “Sleep, Atsushi, I’ll come back to you, I’ll keep coming back to you” he whispers, Atsushi buries his face in Ryuunosuke’s chest, still clutching onto the older like he was his lifeline, as if Ryuunosuke was what tethered Atsushi onto earth.