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Felix should've known. There was no way he could have known but in a way or another he should've known. Because Felix had that talent of fucking everything up without meaning to. His biggest fuck up being falling in love with his childhood friend, which brought him to this situation. Petals in his hand after coughing quite badly. Blue hydrangeas. Life was so ironic sometimes.
It was called hanahaki disease. The disease of unrequited love. Of course, Felix would be part of the 1% of people in the world to have that disease. The things Chan put him through, really. He knew it wasn't Chan's fault, that it wasn’t anyone's fault but he wanted someone to blame and, since he had the disease because he loved Chan, then it was his fault. Chan didn’t have to be so handsome, to smile so bright and charming, to have cute dimples, to have a laugh to die for and a killer body. And Felix didn’t have to fall for him.
As weeks went by, Felix began to cough more petals, sometimes whole flowers coming out. As his best friend and roommate, Jisung was the first to find out. He had cried so much after finding out. He also had promised to do everything to help Felix get through it. Felix had smiled and thanked him.
Of course, Felix knew his options. He would either die or he could make Chan fall in love with him. The latter was quite unlikely in his opinion and he didn’t quite fancy the former. A third option was surgery. It was quite risky but it had a high success rate. In the worst case scenario, he wouldn’t be able to love ever again.
"That's not so bad" He said, listing out the options with Jisung.
"Can you honestly picture yourself never falling in love again ?"
"I can't even picture myself not loving Chan."
Jisung's chin trembled but he swallowed his tears back.
"Fuck, how is it possible that he doesn’t love you back? You’re so perfect, so loveable!" Jisung exclaimed, almost angry.
"Yeah, that's why you’re dating Minho," Felix teased.
"Baby, we tried to date and disastrously failed, mind you. Minho is my other half, I'm sorry for you" Jisung joked back and Felix was happy he didn’t look like crying anymore.
“‘ Surgery for hanahaki disease ’? Why are you reading that, Yongbok-ah?” Hyunjin asked Felix as he sat down next to him in the university library.
“Oh, just curious,” Felix replied, closing the book and putting it in his bag. “It’s such an uncommon disease and I read the story of someone online. They decided to get the surgery.”
“I see…” Hyunjin trailed off. He then shrugged and took out his homework.
Felix knew it wasn’t over, far from it, but he was thankful to Hyunjin for dropping the topic for now.
Just as he thought this, Felix began to cough furiously, his throat closing up as it tried to expel flowers while Felix tried to keep them inside. Feeling like he would die if he didn’t cough them out, he ran out of the library and to the closest bathroom. Only whole flowers came out and he knew he had reached stage two. He coughed and coughed for what felt like hours. When it finally stopped, Felix got up, flushed the toilet and was about to get out of the stall he was in when someone talked.
“Felix? Are you okay?”
Hyunjin had followed Felix. Felix groaned but didn’t reply.
“You have hanahaki disease, don’t you?”
Felix felt like dying at Hyunjin’s tone of voice. His voice was full of pity and Felix hated it. He didn’t want to feel pitied, it felt humiliating.
“Yes” he answered, knowing that it would be no use to try and lie.
“Who is it? Is it Changbin hyung?” Hyunjin anxiously asked.
Felix opened the door to face Hyunjin.
“No. I know about your feelings for him, hell, he’s probably the only one who doesn’t know. It’s Chan hyung, Hyunjinie” Felix answered before coughing again, a flower falling in his hand.
“Blue hydrangeas? For fuck’s sake…” Hyunjin said, running a hand through his hair, agitated.
“I know,” Felix said, dejected.
“Come on, Lix. Let’s get you back home. You’re in no shape to study right now” Hyunjin firmly stated, pulling him out of the stall by his hand.
“Are you sure you wanna get the surgery, Yongbok-ah?” Minho asked.
When Hyunjin and Felix arrived at Felix's room, they found Jisung and Minho talking. When they turned to them, Felix understood that Jisung had told Minho. When his roommate began to apologise, Felix told him it was okay, that he understood Jisung needed someone to talk to.
“I think so, yes. Like, there’s no way hyung will fall in love with me even if I try my hardest. And I don’t wanna die either. So the surgery is my only chance, no matter the risks.”
“Hyung, he’s been coughing blue hydrangeas” Hyunjin told Minho who sighed deeply.
“I know. That’s kinda fucked up.”
“Guys, I don’t get why the kind of flower he’s coughing is such a big deal,” Jisung said, hoping to get an answer.
“Hydrangeas are Chan’s favourite flowers. When he was little, he used to help his mom in the garden, tending to the flowers. And, one day, when I was over at his, he showed me those new hydrangeas he got. They were blue because he knew blue was my favourite colour and he said they reminded him of me” Felix explained, on the verge of tears.
“Oh my gosh, I didn’t know…” Jisung said, sounding heartbroken. “But how come you two knew about it?”
“Chan told me when we met all those years ago,” Minho replied. “There isn’t a single thing about Chan and Felix’s friendship I don’t know.”
“And I know about it because Chan told Changbin and Changbin told me,” Hyunjin said. “You know he can’t keep a secret.”
Minho turned to Felix.
“He loves you. He loves you so much” he told him.
“Not in the same way that I do.”
“I think that you can make him fall in love with y-”
“No I can’t” Felix cut. “Do you know how many times he’s called me his little brother? Do you know how many times a day he does? My contact name is ‘My lil bro Felix’ . Do you really think that he could ever fall in love with his ‘lil bro’ ? Because I don’t. And I know him better than anyone in the whole fucking world.”
Felix was breathing harshly. He felt desperate.
“I’ve made up my mind. I’m getting the surgery and no one's gonna stop me.”
“Okay” Minho said. “If that’s really what you want.”
Hyunjin and Jisung looked at Minho in surprise but said nothing and nodded alongside him.
“I think you should tell him” Jisung told Felix as they were cuddling in Felix’s bed a few nights later.
Felix’s surgery was in two days and he wasn’t able to sleep alone anymore. After programming it, Felix had told Seungmin and Jeongin who could be trusted with his secret, unlike Changbin. Felix decided he would be the last to know, besides Chan.
“I can’t just drop this on him and then get the surgery. It’s better I don’t tell him” Felix replied.
“Then just tell him about the surgery. Don’t tell him you’re in love with him” Jisung reasoned.
“If he asks, I don’t think I’ll be able to lie to him.”
“Still. You’d like to know if you were in his place.”
Unable to deny this, Felix just snuggled closer and willed himself to fall asleep.
The next day, Felix was on his way to Chan's room. The latter had called him in the morning saying that it had been a while since they last hung out and had invited Felix over.
“Lixie!!” Chan exclaimed as he opened the door. He rushed to hug Felix who was able to supress his cough. He hugged back, trying to act as normal as possible.
“Hey, Chan. I'm sorry I won't be able to stay long” Felix said, already wanting to escape. He felt guilty to think of his best friend as danger in a way but due to the situation, he couldn't help it.
“It's fine, I just wanted to see you alone, it's been quite some time since we've only been the two of us” Chan replied, his smile blinding.
Felix guitily felt warmth spread through his chest and felt a cough coming. He could almost feel the flower trying to make its way through his throat. Unable to stop himself anymore, he doubled over and began to cough harshly.
“Felix? Lix, are you okay?” he vaguely heard Chan ask but he was already gathering flowers in his hands, some even falling on the floor right in front of his feet.
He fell to the ground, probably bruising his knees, coughing some more flowers out before finally being able to breathe again.
“Lix…?” Chan hesitantly asked.
Swallowing back the tears that threatened to spill, Felix looked up to Chan.
“Could you help me up? I’ll explain” he said, his voice the weakest he’d ever heard it.
Chan grabbed him by his armpits and got him to his feet. Felix then walked to the little beaten-up couch in the corner and sat down.
“Sorry about the mess” he began, throwing a small nervous smile at Chan.
“What’s all this about?” Chan asked, totally confused.
“I have hanahaki disease. Do you know about it?”
“I’m afraid I don’t.”
“Well, when you love someone and it ain’t mutual, you get this sickness. You throw up flowers - or cough them out. It’s totally out of your control” Felix simply explained.
“And, is there a cure?” Chan asked, sounding worried.
“Um, yeah. There are two actually” Felix answered, uneasy. “The first one is to make the subject of your love reciprocate your feelings.”
“What happens if you can’t make them love you back?”
“Well, you just… die.”
“What?” Chan exclaimed, suddenly alarmed. “Are you dying? Are you going to die?” he asked, tears welling up in his eyes.
“No! No, there’s another cure” Felix immediately reassured him. “It’s a surgery in which they basically pull the root of the flower from your lungs and heart. But it’s a bit risky and a lot of people don’t do it.”
“What do you mean by ‘risky’?”
“A side effect is that you might not be able to love anymore. Or feel any kind of emotion. It’s like a 50% chance.”
Chan stared at him, seemingly deep in thought. Felix let him take all the time he needed to process all these information. Then, his gaze changed and he looked determined.
“Who is it that you love?” he asked, startling Felix.
“Oh, um, I don’t wanna talk about it” he said, evasive.
“Felix, I want to help you. I’m sure whoever they are, you can make them fall in love with you” Chan replied, confident, a smile on his lips.
Felix sadly laughed.
“Nah, that’s impossible. There’s no way they would fall in love with me. Maybe in the next life but surely not in this one.”
“Any guy would be lucky to love you and have you as their boyfriend” Chan indignantly said.
A weird silence then took place as they stared at each other. Chan looked at Felix like he was seeing him for the first time. Felix felt himself blush and coughed a few petals in his hands then cleared his throat.
“Anyway. I just wanted to tell you about it. I decided to do the surgery.”
“But what if you can’t love anymore?”
“I don’t care. Maybe I’ll be lucky. And I love them so much it’s- I feel like dying anyway” Felix admitted before coughing out a couple of flowers. “It’s not ideal but that’s the only option I have.”
Chan stared at him once more, unblinking. Then, he took Felix’s hands.
“Okay. It’s your choice, thanks for telling me.”
“You’re my bestfriend, Chan,'' Felix replied, his voice croaky. “I have to go now, sorry” he added, getting up.
He walked to the door, hugged Chan one last time and opened the door.
“By the way” Chan began. “The flowers are beautiful,” he said, a little smile on his lips.
Felix forced himself to smile before closing the door and running back to his room to cry his heart out.
“Everything went well, there was no complication during the surgery” Felix heard someone say, their voice sounding very far away.
“And what about the side effects?” he heard Jisung ask, worried.
“We won’t know until Mr. Lee wakes up, I’m afraid.”
Felix then heard a door open and close and someone sigh. He tried to open his eyes and was met with a blinding white ceiling.
“Jisung” he tried but his voice only came out as a whisper. He suddenly felt exhausted.
“Lix! Oh my god, Lix, how are you feeling?”
Jisung’s face appeared in front of Felix and he looked like a mess. His hair disheveled, bags under his eyes and it looked like he’d been chewing on his lips for hours.
“I feel like I got run over by a bus” Felix answered, still whispering.
“How about…?” Jisung began, hesitant.
Felix looked at Jisung and felt his heart clench with worry about his state and love for his friend.
“You know that I love you, right? I love you, Jisungie” Felix said, smiling at his friend.
“Oh my god” Jisung gasped, hugging Felix who groaned at the tight hug.
“Okay, okay, you’re happy I’m alright but you should really get some sleep, you look horrible. What if you look so ugly and Minho breaks up with you, huh?” Felix joked, his voice coming out better now but still hoarse.
“He’s seen me in a worse state, don’t worry” Jisung replied, giggling. “Anygay, I’m going back home now but I’ll come back this afternoon, okay? Rest, try to sleep. I love you” he said, getting up and kissing Felix on the forehead.
“I love you too” Felix replied and Jisung left.
A few weeks later
“Who are you texting, Lix?” Chan asked.
Felix and Chan were in the latter’s dorm for their monthly best friend movie night and Felix had been unable to put his phone down since he arrived half an hour ago.
“Oh, no one,” Felix said, putting his phone down after sending one last message with a shy smile on his face.
After the surgery, Felix had been relieved that he hadn’t lost his emotions and feelings, so were all his friends. He was worried about catching the disease once again if he ever fell into unrequited love again but the doctor had told him there was a very low chance of it happening. It wasn’t very reassuring for Felix who didn’t think it was possible for him to be part of the 1% people who caught the sickness but he had no other choice but to believe the universe wouldn’t fuck him over twice. He had also been worried about his feelings for Chan. Would they still be there or would they be gone? During the couple days he stayed at the hospital, every time he thought of Chan, his heart hurt a little but he couldn’t understand why. Maybe he was disappointed his feelings would have disappeared. Maybe he felt a bit ashamed because he had been a coward for not even trying to make Chan fall in love with him. The latter was quite unlikely, he already knew that Chan couldn’t fall for him.
“Is it a guy?” Chan asked.
“Oh, um, yes, actually,” Felix honestly answered, blushing.
“Hm” was Chan’s answer.
Felix thought it was weird that Chan didn’t ask for details but he brushed the feeling off.
“So, are we watching Deadpool for the fifth time in a row tonight?” he asked, giggling.
“Oh, shut up,” Chan replied, laughing. “No, actually. I wanted to watch Home Alone. It’s been so long since the last time I watched it” Chan said, grabbing his laptop and searching for the said movie on Netflix.
When he did, he plopped down on his bed next to Felix, a safe distance between them. Felix itched to get closer but held back. Was he still in love with Chan? The flowers had been removed though, it couldn’t be…
“Okay, let’s go!” Chan said and clicked play.
Half-way through the movie, Chan fell asleep. Of course, his head fell on Felix’s shoulder. It was a bit of a stretch for Chan’s neck so Felix did his best to get closer to Chan without waking him. And if his heart started to beat faster, that’s just because it was straining for him to move while relying only on his arms’ strength.
“What the hell…” he whispered to himself as Chan nuzzled closer to him, breathing directly on his neck in his sleep. He shook his head and tried to concentrate back on the movie.
Felix really wasn’t the strongest soldier out there. He could see the screen but he couldn’t hear a thing, he couldn’t understand a single thing that was going on. All he could think about was the weight of Chan’s head on his shoulder and all he could hear was his even breathing as his hot breath fanned over his neck. And when he was done processing this, the movie was over and Chan woke up.
“Oh my gosh, sorry. I didn’t know I would fall asleep” Chan sheepishly said, rubbing his eyes with his fists.
Stop being so cute what the fuck Felix thought, butterflies going crazy in his stomach.
“Um, it’s fine, hyung” Felix said, trying his best to keep calm. “It’s still a bit early but we can go to sleep if you’re tired?”
“Oh, um, I don’t know. I’m not tired anymore, just a bit drowsy. I’m hungry though, do you wanna eat something?”
“Yeah, sure” Felix replied and took his phone out to order some food.
“Lix, is- is it okay if we just go down to the convenience store instead of ordering? You know, to stretch our legs?”
“Sure” Felix replied, his heart going crazy at the prospect of sharing a little walk with Chan, one-to-one.
Due to the time and the weather, there weren’t a lot of people outside. The campus was quite big but the dorms were close to what could be considered as the uni’s “town centre”. All essential shops were close to the dorms, for obvious reasons, but it was still quieter than Felix had expected for a Saturday evening.
They walked in silence, Felix trying his best not to glance at Chan. They were close enough that Felix could feel Chan’s body warmth, his body itching for him to get closer, to seek some of that warmth. They quickly arrived at the convenience store, chose their favourite noodles, some cheese slices and sausages before quickly going back to Chan’s dorm.
After a few mouthfuls of steaming hot noodles, Chan cleared his throat.
“So, who’s that guy?” he asked. He sounded hesitant, almost reluctant to ask about it.
“Just some guy I met on Twitter. We share the same interests and he’s quite funny to talk with” Felix simply answered.
Chan released a non-committal hum and resumed eating. Felix stared at him for a few seconds before putting his chopsticks down.
“Chris, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Chan answered, too quickly. He winced.
“You were never a good liar, hyung. You remember when we were in primary school and you’d fallen while chasing one of your friends during recess? You were in pain but you were so determined not to tell or show anyone that you had sprained your ankle that the next morning your mom brought you to the ER because your ankle had swollen thrice its size. And when I came to see you after school, you still told me that it wasn’t hurting but your voice and face were saying otherwise. Do you remember when we were in middle school and you received a ball on your head while playing basketball? You told me you were fine only to faint a few minutes later. And in high school, when you, once again, sprained your ankle?”
Felix was beginning to feel annoyed at his best friend, ever lying to him for no reason.
“Felix-”
“No!” Felix exclaimed, feeling tears coming to him. “You know what? I don’t care about this guy I’m talking to. I don’t care about him at all. Because while we talk, all I can think about is you. I can’t stop comparing him to you and it’s honestly driving me mad!” He stood up. “It was you. My unrequited love was you. You were the one killing me because you couldn’t love me back the way I loved you. The way I still love you. So, please, don’t ask me about any other guy I might be talking to in the future so I can at least try and get over you.”
He then proceeded to walk to the door, grabbed his coat and reached to open the door when Chan caught his hand.
“Felix, please” he said, his voice breaking. “Don’t leave me.”
Felix felt his resolve break. Chan had never begged him to do anything. It was the first time.
“I do love you. I do. I’m so in love with you, I was just too blind to see it. I was too much of an idiot to realise it before you went into surgery. If- If only we had talked about it sooner, maybe- just maybe… I would have realised my feelings for you sooner and- and”
“Chris. Are you serious?”
“Dead serious” Chan answered, quick but determined. “I’m in love with you. I’m sorry it took me so long, I’m sorry you literally got sick because I’m the biggest idiot in the universe, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry-”
Felix brushed his lips over Chan’s, effectively shutting him up.
“Kiss me.”
Their lips collided, Chan’s hands to Felix’s waist and Felix’s hands to Chan’s hair. They kissed until they couldn’t breathe anymore and Felix began to cough, gasping for air. He doubled over and put his hands over his mouth, feeling something falling in his hands.
A red rose.
“What does it mean?” Chan asked.
“That I’m finally cured.”
Felix smiled widely and kissed Chan again, set on focusing on his own happiness, no matter what.
“Oh, by the way” he started, breaking the kiss. “No hydrangeas at our wedding.”
“Sure, baby. Whatever you want.”