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“Happy Anniversary!” Shi Qingxuan proclaimed.
It wasn't his anniversary. His anniversary was in just over two weeks. This just happened to be the date he'd told her that he and Hua Cheng had started dating. Somehow, the lie had stuck. Somehow, they never figured out that they'd been pretending to be a couple. At least initially. Once they became a couple, it wasn't difficult anymore. It was just natural. They were the same couple they'd portrayed from the beginning. It was just that the relationship started two weeks later. And they hadn't met quite the way they said.
“Thanks,” Xie Lian smiled politely. It was best to play along. There was no point in opening this can of worms, “But, did we really need to go out just for this?”
Shi Qingxuan gasped, “What are you talking about? This is your longest relationship, we have to celebrate!”
“Without San Lang?” He raised his eyebrow. It was a little strange. Sure, they went out all the time without Hua Cheng at his side, but if this was about their anniversary, didn't it make sense for him to be there?
“We can't gossip about him if he's here,” Shi Qingxuan smiled knowingly and rested her chin on her hand, “So, what did you guys do to celebrate?”
Nothing. They hadn't done anything. Because it hadn't been their anniversary yet. Sure, they still went on dates, but they hadn't done anything particularly special. Certainly not enough to make Shi Qingxuan happy. Xie Lian looked down at the ends of his hair as he played with them nervously, “Nothing, really. We decided to just have a night in, spend time together.”
Shi Qingxuan stared at him for a long moment, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Xie Lian to say ‘psych’. But when she was only met with silence, she slumped in her seat, “A-Lian, I'm so sorry…”
“What about?” Xie Lian frowned, “I like when we have our nights in. Cooking dinner together, cuddling on the couch, it's nice.”
“I didn't think the romance would run dry with you two so quickly,” Shi Qingxuan sighed, “Do you want me to talk to him?”
“What? No! Everything is fine, San Lang is… very romantic,” He couldn't quite believe he was even having this conversation. He'd never known anyone as romantic as Hua Cheng. He was constantly surprising Xie Lian with sweet gestures, date nights, gifts, and even just doing thoughtful things for him around the apartment. Xie Lian did expect that one day it would fizzle, that the fire would reduce to a simmer, and he was okay with that. But, their relationship hadn't changed much from day one. The passion was just as strong, if not stronger. The only difference was that they knew more about each other, and they were able to better cater their romantic gestures to each other.
“It's okay, every relationship goes through this. You just have to rekindle it before it's done for good,” Shi Qingxuan nodded knowingly, “If he's not serious about you then what's the point?”
“He is very serious about me,” Xie Lian frowned when she didn't look convinced, “I know he is. Trust Me.”
It took a moment. A silence fell between them. Xie Lian reached for his drink And took a sip, hoping he'd said enough for her to let it go. But, then her eyes were growing wide and the concern was morphing into something else, “Wait, oh my gods, did he propose? That's how you know, right? He proposed!?”
“No!” Xie Lian reached across the table and tried to calm her down, but the excitement only grew.
“I'm not letting this go until you tell me what happened.”
Nothing. Nothing had happened. Xie Lian just knew Hua Cheng. He knew that he was serious about them. He'd never met anyone more sincere. He didn't take it for granted. Neither of them did. But, Shi Qingxuan was expecting an answer. A good one. He knew she'd only be dramatic if he said nothing had changed, and though he adored her even with the dramatics, this was something he didn't need her blowing out of proportion. He had to come up with a lie. Something they'd done that he hadn't already denied. Something romantic. A grand gesture.
Xie Lian’s eyes were trained on the table as he said, “He didn't propose, I did.”
He froze the moment the words came out. Why had he said that ? That wasn't true. That wasn't true at all. Xie Lian hadn't even asked Hua Cheng to move in, they just coexisted so much that it happened. Xie Lian wasn't good at taking the first step. It was a miracle he'd taken the initiative with their first kiss.
“I knew it!” She practically squealed, bouncing in her seat, “Does anyone else know? What did he say?”
“Shh!” Xie Lian couldn't look up from the table. He'd never been so red. He'd never felt so ashamed. Ever since the day they stopped pretending, Xie Lian had promised himself he'd never put Hua Cheng in a situation like that again. He didn't mean to. Shi Qingxuan just looked so excited and he couldn't bear to disappoint her. Besides, she really wouldn't have let it go. Xie Lian's voice remained quiet, trying to keep himself from panicking as he spun the web of his lie, “You're the only one who knows, okay? So don't tell anyone.”
“Your secret’s safe with me,” Shi Qingxuan assured, “Just as long as you’ll let me be the maid of honour at the wedding.”
Xie Lian rolled his eyes with a fond smile, “Can we talk about something else?”
It took a bit of convincing, but he did manage to get Shi Qingxuan onto another topic. It was for the best. The fewer details he gave about this fake proposal, the better. It was when the lie got too big that the trouble came. At that point, it was something manageable. At least until he figured out what the hell he was supposed to do. The entire trip home was spent thinking about it, about what his options were. Xie Lian didn’t want to lie. He didn’t like to lie. He only did it because he wanted to make others happy. He wanted it so badly, he just said what they wanted to hear without thinking. And now, he was in this mess, trying to figure out how he could fix it without getting Hua Cheng involved. Of course, he already was. There was no way he wasn’t. You couldn’t just make up something like this and not have your boyfriend dragged into the middle of it.
“You’re home early,” He heard Hua Cheng call from the other room when he walked into his apartment. He sighed as he kicked off his shoes and dropped his bag at the door, slowly trudging his way through the hallway, “That stall with the guo kui that you like was open so I picked some up on the way home.”
He paused when Hua Cheng said it. His gaze trailed to the kitchen counter, where a pair of stuffed flatbread sat on a plate, looking far more enticing than it had any right to. He looked back at Hua Cheng sitting on the couch. He was looking up at Xie Lian with a warm smile, his book in hand completely forgotten. Xie Lian looked back at the bread and bit his lip, unsure what he should do. He didn’t deserve it. Not after what he’d just done, not after the lie he’d told. Maybe he only said it because Shi Qingxuan had hit a nerve. After all, she’d suggested something that he wanted. Because Hua Cheng was so perfect. He was so kind, so sweet, so thoughtful. He had remembered something Xie Lian had mentioned one time. On a whim one day when they passed the closed stall, he’d mentioned it. He’d mentioned that he never got to have it because it was always closed by the time he was passing by. And Hua Cheng had remembered. He’d gotten it just for him. Because he knew it would make him happy.
“Gege?” Xie Lian wasn’t sure how long he’d been just standing there, but there was concern etched on Hua Cheng’s face, “You don’t have to have it if you don’t want to.”
“No,” Xie Lian took a breath, trying to steady himself. He was shaking. His lip was quivering. There were tears in his eyes. None of it was bad exactly. It was just like something inside him had clicked in a way that it hadn’t quite before that moment. He’d known that he loved Hua Cheng for a long time. He just didn’t realise quite how in love he was, quite how deep it was. It was such a simple gesture, but it made all the other little gestures flood into his mind. Every breakfast he’d cooked, every time he fell asleep on the couch and woke to blankets tucked around him and a pillow carefully placed below his head. Every time Hua Cheng had dropped into his shop during the day to make sure he was taking a break, to bring him lunch. All these little things that he did for no other reason but because he cared. He cared so much. And Xie Lian loved him more than anything. And the thought that he loved him so much was overwhelming, “That’s… so thoughtful. Thank you, San Lang…”
“You okay?” Hua Cheng asked gently.
“I’m fine,” Xie Lian pushed himself to step further into the apartment. Each step felt so heavy, his brain still racing with the thoughts he hadn’t even realised were brimming at the surface. So many times, he’d told himself he loved this man. This was the first time he thought about just how unbelievably in love he actually was, how he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, couldn’t imagine anyone caring for him half as well. How much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. That was a scary thought. Especially after the lie he’d just told. Xie Lian took one of the breads and slowly walked over to the couch. He settled beside Hua Cheng and closed his eyes when Hua Cheng’s arm wrapped around his waist like it was the most natural thing in the world, “What’re you reading?”
Hua Cheng tipped the book up to show him the cover with a fond smile, “Something less morbid. That’s what you suggested, right?”
Xie Lian tilted his head to read the title, murmuring under his breath, “You're reading the book I recommended…”
“It’s okay so far,” Hua Cheng hummed softly. It seemed he was only a few chapters in. He flipped the page and continued reading even as he spoke, “Not really my kind of thing, but it’s not bad.”
“Does this mean I have to read that book you suggested, too?” Xie Lian didn’t mind the idea at all. He was interested, though he had tried to play it off at the time.
“Well, it’s only fair,” Hua Cheng teased. He pressed a kiss atop Xie Lian’s head before resting his cheek against the same spot, making himself comfortable holding him while he read, “Only if you want to.”
Xie Lian pulled his feet up on the couch, his knees pulled in close to his chest as he took a bite of the bread. It was just as perfect as he’d always remembered it being. But, there was something more to it with Hua Cheng there. Knowing it was a gift, knowing that Hua Cheng had gotten it simply to make him happy. His fingers were trailing up and down Xie Lian’s side idly. Xie Lian was going to die like this, he was sure. Hua Cheng was so much. He was being cute and sweet and so gentle. It was the fact that this wasn’t some special occasion, that these little gestures were things that came naturally to him. It was the fact that after nearly a year together, after nearly eight months living together, and spending so much time together, Hua Cheng still wanted to do these things for him, still held him like he was special, and still made sure he knew he was cared for.
“Something’s up,” Hua Cheng said, dropping the book at his side and kissing his head once more, “Did Shi Qingxuan say something?”
“Huh? Wh-What would she say?” Xie Lian wasn’t sure why the line of questioning made him so nervous. But, it did. It really did. The thing that scared him most was the thought that if Hua Cheng found out that he had made up a proposal, he’d think that he didn’t take them seriously enough, or that he didn’t actually have any desire to get married. Truthfully, he hadn’t thought that deeply about marriage before. Hell, he hadn’t thought much about relationships in general before Hua Cheng showed up. Their relationship had always been so perfect, that he hadn’t considered going further with it. Almost every part of their relationship had come from slow progressions, things that came naturally. They never really asked the other the big questions, things just had a way of working out. That was how Hua Cheng ended up living with him. But, Xie Lian knew that marriage didn’t work that way. It wouldn’t be a natural evolution. If he wanted it, he had to ask for it.
Did he want to get married?
“I don’t know, that’s what scares me,” Hua Cheng teased, “What did you guys get up to tonight anyway?”
“She wanted to celebrate our anniversary,” Xie Lian took another bite of the bread, using it as an excuse to stop talking.
Hua Cheng frowned, “Our anniversary isn’t for another two and a half weeks.”
His fingers were running through Xie Lian’s hair now, a gesture that served to soothe them both. Xie Lian’s heart only fluttered listening to Hua Cheng. Of course, he remembered their anniversary was coming up. He didn’t even hesitate, knew exactly how far away it was without a second thought. Like it was just natural to him. Xie Lian loved him so, so much. He smiled sheepishly, staring down at the flatbread in his hands, “It’s the anniversary of the day I told her we started dating.”
“Oh,” Hua Cheng nodded thoughtfully, “And it bothers you that we’re still lying about that?”
“No, that’s not it,” Xie Lian shook his head, and he meant it. That was probably the one lie that he’d never try to come clean with. There was just no point. Did it matter if they started dating a couple of weeks earlier? Not really. The longer they were together, the less it mattered. The more time went by, the less inclined he felt to tell her the truth. Why complicate things?
“So, there is something bothering you,” Hua Cheng carefully placed his legs up on the couch and pulled Xie Lian into his lap, his arms wrapped loosely around his waist. He rested his chin on Xie Lian’s shoulder and said, “What can I do to make it better?”
Xie Lian pursed his lips, trying to figure out what to say. Gods, he really did, didn’t he? He wanted to marry this man. But it was so soon, wasn’t it? They hadn’t even been together for a year. Not quite. Wasn’t that too soon to propose? Wasn’t that too soon to ask someone to stay with him for the rest of their life? It was one of the options to make it all better, of course. That, or telling Shi Qingxuan the truth. But, Xie Lian couldn’t shake the feeling that this was exactly what he wanted. Everything was so perfect. It was scary to want to shake that up, but would marriage really change anything? It was just a promise. A promise to stay by each other’s sides no matter what. That’s what he wanted. He wanted Hua Cheng to be his, to rest safely in the knowledge that he always would be.
“I’m just… thinking about a lot of things,” Xie Lian rested his head back against Hua Cheng’s shoulder to look up at him, “I really love you, you know?”
“I know,” Hua Cheng smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I love you, too. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“I know,” Xie Lian closed his eyes and sank back into Hua Cheng when he felt a kiss on his forehead, feeling more cherished than he ever dared dream he could.
“Mn good. Then, you should enjoy your snack before I take you to bed,” Hua Cheng nuzzled his neck and murmured into his skin, “Do you know what you want to do for our anniversary? The real one?”
“I’m thinking about it,” Xie Lian admitted.
That was what had him so shaken; that he was so completely sure of what he wanted and it was something he hadn’t put much thought into up until that point. Now, he felt like he had to propose. And it wasn’t even because of the lie. The lie helped his cause, but Xie Lian just kept thinking about how happy he was, how he’d never been this happy in his whole life. And everyone had prepared him for that excitement and happiness to go away, but it had been nearly a year and it was still there. Admittedly, he knew that they had settled somewhat; settled into the little life that they’d made for themselves. But, they still acted like they did at the start. Was that because their relationship was just going to be like this? Or was it because it was still too early to be thinking about things like this?
Xie Lian spent the rest of the evening sitting in Hua Cheng’s arms, eating his flatbread and thinking about what he should do, and what the right action would be. The difficulty came with determining what he actually wanted. Xie Lian was scared that the lie had tainted it. He was afraid that he was talking himself into wanting this simply so that he could turn the lie into a truth. Did he really want to get married? Or was it just an easy way to make the lie go away? But was it an easy way to make it go away? It would change his life. It would be the biggest commitment he’d ever make. Xie Lian hadn’t had a lot of experiences with relationships, was he sure that this was the one he wanted to be in for the rest of his life? Was he sure that this was the path that led to his happiness?
Yes. Yes, he was. He was so sure of it, actually. No one in the world could possibly measure up to Hua Cheng. He couldn’t imagine ever leaving him. He didn’t want to imagine it. The times when Hua Cheng was forced to stay away for a few days were so hard. He couldn’t imagine coming home one day and knowing that Hua Cheng would never be there again. It didn’t matter if he hadn’t had much experience with anyone else. He didn’t need it. What would be the point, anyway? To learn that they weren’t as good as the man he already had? That they weren’t as thoughtful? That they didn’t listen like him? That they didn’t tell stupid jokes like him, or take interest in the things that mattered to him even if it didn’t appeal to them? Hua Cheng was a dork. He was silly and sweet. He was protective and witty. He didn’t fight people for Xie Lian, but he bit back at them with words, making sure to put them in their place if they ever made Xie Lian feel inferior. But at the same time, he made sure Xie Lian was comfortable, allowing Xie Lian to fight his own battles. He knew how to meet Xie Lian halfway. They had learned exactly what the other needed, exactly how to be the partner that was required of them. And at no point did Xie Lian ever feel like he had to be someone he wasn’t. Hua Cheng loved him for exactly who he was. And he loved Hua Cheng just the same, even when their interests didn’t align.
Xie Lian had ended up spending the following week thinking about ways to propose. After the first day, he stopped wondering if it was what he wanted to do. He knew it was what he wanted to do. The only doubt that did occasionally creep into his mind was whether it was the right time. But, that doubt quickly got shut down by his other thoughts. If not now, when? They were already living like an old married couple. They just hadn’t made it official. So, the problem was now figuring out how he was going to do it. Nothing had felt right. It was surprising. He would’ve thought after this much time together, he’d know exactly how he wanted to do it. But, he didn’t. Xie Lian tried to be romantic, but Hua Cheng was far better at it. Every romantic idea he came up with didn’t feel right. It didn’t fit. It wasn’t… them. Maybe they weren’t the most conventional of couples. Xie Lian’s idea of romance was different. Why go to a fancy restaurant? A home-cooked meal was far more romantic. Why buy flowers? A handmade gift meant so much more.
To propose to Hua Cheng, it needed to be something unique to them. It needed to be something they would both love. It didn’t have to be perfect, but it had to make sense. Xie Lian just didn’t know what it was. He thought maybe that it would just come to him one day. Did people just figure it out on their own? How did people come up with their proposal ideas? Did they ask their friends? Xie Lian couldn’t exactly do that when the one friend who was supportive of the idea was under the impression he’d already proposed. That wouldn’t work. He was on his own with this.
It was on Friday evening that Xie Lian continued to dwell on his conundrum, completely ignoring whatever movie it was that Hua Cheng had put on. They were settled together on the couch again, Xie Lian lying in Hua Cheng’s lap. He was more focused on the feel of his hand trailing up and down his arm than anything else. Hua Cheng always did that. It seemed like he couldn’t help himself. His hands were always moving, always soothing him without even realising it.
“You're not watching the movie,” Hua Cheng whispered, and Xie Lian didn’t even need to see his face. He knew he was smirking, “Is it that boring?”
“I’m watching,” Xie Lian didn’t sound at all convincing.
“What’s happening, then?”
Xie Lian watched the screen for a moment, trying to gather as much information as he could from what he’d watched earlier and what he was seeing now, “The cute thing turned into a mean thing. And… multiplied.”
“That’s not the original cute thing,” Hua Cheng chuckled. As he said it, the cute thing he was thinking of appeared on the screen, “See? He’s still there.”
He blinked a few times, trying to process it. He had absolutely no idea how it had gone from a sweet Christmas movie to a hellscape of evil creatures, “...Did he feed it after midnight?”
Hua Cheng was shaking beneath him with his laughter, “We can watch something else. Something we’d both enjoy.”
“No, I’m enjoying it,” He insisted. He meant it, too. How he’d never seen this movie, he wasn’t sure. And if his head hadn’t been swimming with thoughts, he knew he’d be completely engrossed in it. The parts he’d seen had been good, and he wanted to know if the cute thing was okay by the end of the movie, “Can we go back a little? I was distracted.”
Hua Cheng squeezed him gently in his arms, only letting go to grab the remote and take the movie back before all the evil creatures showed up, “What’s on your mind?”
There was a long pause as Xie Lian contemplated his next move. This had been weighing on his mind for a while now. Lying had gotten him to this point. To this mess. Besides, Xie Lian didn't lie to Hua Cheng. He never did. He never would. The very thought made him uneasy. Of course, he could say he didn’t want to talk about it with full confidence that Hua Cheng would accept that and simply heap a little more love on him to make him feel better. Or, he could…
“Marriage,” Xie Lian tried to make it sound nonchalant, staring straight ahead. The only thing that gave him away was his fingers playing with the ends of his hair, something he always did when he was nervous.
Hua Cheng dropped the remote, fumbling to catch it. He paused the movie before turning his full attention to Xie Lian, “Marriage?”
“Yes,” Xie Lian stared down at the ends of his hair, almost afraid Hua Cheng would read his mind if he looked him in the eye.
Hua Cheng's voice was gentle and reassuring, “Why would you be thinking about… marriage?”
“I don't know,” Xie Lian shrugged, “I was just wondering if you ever thought about it. Not everyone wants it. Maybe it's not the kind of thing you would be interested in. Maybe what we have right now is all that you would ever want, and that's okay. Maybe you haven't found… the one… yet…”
The last one was what he feared most; that though they were happy together, Hua Cheng might one day find someone he cared even more deeply for. The silence that fell between them was scary, but he knew Hua Cheng wouldn't just leave him like that. He wouldn't change the subject either. He was quiet because he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say.
“Everyone thinks about it sometimes, right?” Hua Cheng took Xie Lian's hands and threaded their fingers together. His chin rested on Xie Lian’s shoulder and his voice remained soothingly gentle, “I may not be the most traditional person, But I do think marriage is important. Maybe not for the papers or the ceremony. Just for the promise of forever. You know?”
Xie Lian had butterflies just listening to him. Because that was exactly how he felt. He didn't care about the wedding day or the gifts or the piece of paper. He cared about the vow, the promise to be together through everything, to never give up on each other. He already knew he'd do all of that for Hua Cheng in a heartbeat. He nodded and tried to hide how breathless he felt when he said, “Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.”
“If I thought for one second that there was a chance you weren't the one for me, I wouldn't be here,” Hua Cheng assured. He kissed Xie Lian's shoulder and said, “And I do love what we have right now. A lot. But, you know why I love it, don't you?”
Xie Lian bit his lip and shook his head, “Why?”
“Because,” Hua Cheng pulled one of Xie Lian's hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles, “This is what I always imagined being married would be like.”
Xie Lian squeezed Hua Cheng’s hand so tight. He didn’t even realise he was doing it. Hua Cheng had just said the single sweetest thing he’d ever heard in his life. He never knew that was how he felt. He never really thought about it before, but it was true. If Xie Lian were to close his eyes and picture his idea of marriage, this would be it. They had just kinda fallen into it. Things were simple. They coexisted so easily. They did things for each other without really thinking about it. It was natural. It was them. This was what having a husband was supposed to be like, wasn’t it? Having someone you knew you could rely on no matter what happened. That’s what he felt with Hua Cheng. He felt like Hua Cheng would always have his back, and would always be there to help him pick up the pieces. And he’d do the same. He’d do whatever it took to make sure Hua Cheng was always happy, to care for him, to know that the man he loved had the life he deserved.
Xie Lian tried to control his emotions and tried to stop the tears stinging in his eyes. His voice shook when he asked, “Do… you ever think… about marrying m-me?”
Hua Cheng wasn’t a fool. Xie Lian wasn’t good at hiding his emotions. It was obvious that he was feeling a lot of things. Hua Cheng only let go of his hands to wrap his arms around Xie Lian’s waist, to hug him close to his chest and reassure him that he was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere. He nuzzled into the crook of Xie Lian’s neck and let his next words come out through a shaky breath, “When I think about it… it’s always gege.”
Xie Lian didn’t know what to do with his hands. He didn’t know what to do with his body in general. He felt like he should be doing something, but all he could do was lay there in his boyfriend’s arms, mind racing. He didn’t know why he was surprised. Hua Cheng had never given him a reason to believe anything else. He just didn’t know that he could be this lucky. Part of him had always thought that Hua Cheng was just coasting, that he was going with the motions because it was easy and that eventually, he would find something better and move on.
He clenched his fists so tight his knuckles went white, pressing them against his thighs because he simply didn’t know what else to do with them. He leaned his head back against Hua Cheng’s shoulder, feeling an intense need to be closer, but afraid to move at the same time. His eyes had fluttered closed and a few stray tears had slipped down his cheeks. He had to say something. Anything. When he did finally speak, it felt like a stupid question after what Hua Cheng had just said, but his brain still hadn’t quite been able to fathom it, “You… would want to marry me?”
He felt Hua Cheng’s breath hitch. He felt his arms hug him tighter. He felt him nuzzle further into his neck. And there was an uncertainty in Hua Cheng’s voice when he asked, “Is that a proposal?”
Was it? Xie Lian had been trying to find a way to do exactly that. But, nothing had felt right. Nothing had made sense for them. It all felt so romantic that it was wrong, or not nearly romantic enough. This wasn’t exactly romantic, but it was very them. Curled up together on the couch, watching a random movie that Hua Cheng had picked out because he couldn’t believe Xie Lian had never seen it before. Earlier, they’d been doing the dishes together. Xie Lian had been left a giggling mess after Hua Cheng carefully put some suds on the tip of his nose. Hua Cheng had made them the best paella Xie Lian had ever had. Xie Lian had come home to him cooking it, had come home to Hua Cheng feeding him a spoonful and seeking approval. A simple evening like any other, but it was theirs.
“Maybe,” Xie Lian bit his lip. He moved his hands up to rest against Hua Cheng’s arms around his waist, needing to ground himself, needing to touch him and reassure himself that this was okay, that saying this wasn’t going to scare him away. He couldn’t lose Hua Cheng. But surely, this wouldn’t be the thing that made him run away, “It depends on what your answer would be.”
Xie Lian felt a jolt of fear when Hua Cheng untangled one of his arms from his waist. He wanted to pull him back, to take what he said back, to beg him to stay. What they had was good. Why was he ruining it? But, Hua Cheng just brushed his hand against Xie Lian’s jaw and gently turned his head to look him in the eye, “Can I show you something?”
That wasn’t a yes. It wasn’t a no either, he supposed. Hua Cheng didn’t look upset. It was hard to tell what he was feeling, really. Hua Cheng was good at keeping a straight face. It was what he used to surprise Xie Lian so often. He didn’t feel like he was going to get hurt, though. He felt safe. Hua Cheng had a way of doing that; making him feel safe when he was at his most vulnerable. So, Xie Lian nodded, curious to know what was so important that it took precedence over answering such a big question.
Hua Cheng kissed his nose and wiped away the tears tracking his cheeks. Then he slipped out from beneath Xie Lian and pulled him to his feet. He was on autopilot at that point. Xie Lian truly believed that if he focused too much on what he was doing, his legs might give out. He didn’t know what he was doing, or how he’d gotten to this point. He wasn’t sure how to work his body, so he just let Hua Cheng guide him, following him into the spare room that had quickly become Hua Cheng’s studio. Xie Lian went in there often; usually to get Hua Cheng to take a break or get him to come to bed. It looked just the same as it always did. So many pieces were scattered around the room; some finished, some still works in progress. All beautiful. He smiled as he admired them, only coming back to the moment when he felt Hua Cheng’s hand leave his own. He watched curiously as Hua Cheng rifled through one of the drawers on his desk, eventually pulling out a small box and holding it out to him.
Xie Lian didn’t move. He just stared at it. It wasn’t a ring box. It wasn’t like he looked at it and could say that that’s what it was. It was a little big for that. And well… hand made. Whatever it was, it hadn’t come from a store. Xie Lian didn’t know what was in it, but he was almost afraid to find out. When Hua Cheng realised Xie Lian wasn’t going to do anything, he took his hand and placed the box into it, “Open it.”
Xie Lian looked down at the box in his hand, unsure. He didn’t know why. Nothing Hua Cheng had given him had ever been bad. But, he’d also never been as vulnerable as this with him. Hua Cheng was being vulnerable as well, though. So, Xie Lian carefully lifted the lid on the box and had to catch himself on the desk when he saw what was resting inside.
“I was going to give it to you on our anniversary,” Hua Cheng explained.
Sat in the box was the most beautiful ring Xie Lian had ever seen. It looked like it had been carved from a diamond, or like it was made entirely of crystal. There was no doubt in his mind that Hua Cheng had made it himself. It wasn’t something that could be bought. Hua Cheng had made him a ring. But, that didn’t mean… he wasn’t going to… right?
Xie Lian’s lip quivered, eyes trained on the ring glistening in the light, “It’s beautiful…”
“I didn’t know your ring size and I know it’s a bit suspicious to ask for it, so I got a chain for you to wear it on,” Hua Cheng leaned over Xie Lian’s shoulder and carefully plucked the ring from the box, holding it up on the chain, “Can I…?”
Xie Lian nodded. The tears were flowing freely now. He couldn’t help it. He was feeling so many things and he couldn’t contain them all. His body was refusing to do anything, so overwhelmed that it was like it had shut down. Tears were the only way he could get it out. Hua Cheng stepped closer and fastened the chain around Xie Lian’s neck. He pulled his hair out from the chain and carefully brushed it over Xie Lian’s shoulder, admiring the way it looked when he wore it.
Hua Cheng leaned closer and brushed the tears away, “Hey, it’s okay. Why’re you crying?”
“Because!” Xie Lian took a deep stuttering breath, trying to steady himself, trying to gather his thoughts, “You didn’t answer my question.”
Hua Cheng smirked, “Was this not a good enough answer?”
Xie Lian reached out and held the ring between his fingers, assuring himself that it was there, that it was real, “You don’t… think it’s too soon?”
He was running through the fears in his head again. This was too soon, they were still in the honeymoon phase, and Hua Cheng would change his mind. It kept playing on a loop in his head. Good things didn’t happen to him and it was already a miracle that this good thing had lasted as long as it had. But even as his mind was racing with dark thoughts, Hua Cheng’s hand was brushing along his arm until he found Xie Lian’s and threaded their fingers together, “Now or in fifty years, it doesn’t matter. My feelings for you will be the same.”
Xie Lian whimpered. It was a sound he might’ve been mortified to make at any other time, but he wasn’t sure there was any other appropriate response to hearing the love of your life declare that they would always love you, that he could see them together fifty years from now and be just as happy. But, he still hadn’t said yes. And Xie Lian’s head was racing, telling him that maybe Hua Cheng didn’t realise the gravity of the thing he was saying. Maybe he didn’t realise this was real to him. Maybe he thought it was just a thought for the future, a promise ring and nothing more. Xie Lian stared at the floor, “I need you to say it. Please.”
Hua Cheng stepped closer, resting a finger on Xie Lian’s chin and tilting his head up to meet his gaze. His smile was so tender, so genuine, “Yes, gege. Of course, I’ll marry you. I’d be a fool not to.”
The sob that left Xie Lian’s lips took him off guard, like there was even more emotion inside him, even more that he couldn’t contain. But, he did throw himself at Hua Cheng. He buried his face in his neck and clung to him as if their lives depended on it as he cried. And he hoped Hua Cheng knew he wasn’t upset, that this was so far from a bad thing. He just couldn’t believe he’d actually said yes. He couldn’t believe Hua Cheng felt as deeply as he did and wanted this to never end just as badly. He clutched Hua Cheng’s shirt in his fists as he cried, afraid he might disappear if he let go, afraid this was all going to be some wonderful dream. What if he woke up and Hua Cheng was asleep next to him? What if none of this was really happening and Hua Cheng didn’t feel this way at all? What if when he did try to propose, Hua Cheng would run a mile?
“Shh it’s okay,” Hua Cheng’s hand was running up and down his back, trying to soothe him. He’d done this so many times before. Every time his past had gotten too hard to deal with on his own, every time he was consumed with grief or doubts. He’d even done this when Xie Lian had gotten sick, holding him and soothing him through it, even if it meant getting sick himself by the end of it.
“I didn’t get you a ring,” Xie Lian pulled away to look up at him. How could he forget to get him a ring? Wasn’t that the most important part? He had been thinking about proposing for so long and it had never even dawned on him that having the ring ready would be a good idea. He’d been so hung up on the words, on the moment.
Hua Cheng smiled fondly and shook his head, “I don’t need a ring, I just need you.”
“No, I…” Xie Lian had to do this right. He had to have something. Even if they went ring shopping together later, he needed something that symbolised it, something he could look at and tell himself that this wasn’t a dream. His eyes scanned the room. Hua Cheng had so many things. He dabbled in just about every area of art imaginable. Surely there was something in there that he could use. Reluctantly, he untangled himself from Hua Cheng’s arm, “Wait. Just a second.”
Xie Lian walked to one of his many setups around the room, looking through the different items available. This would work. For now. It was temporary, but the symbol was all he needed. Taking a pair of scissors, he picked out the red thread and cut two pieces; one for each of them.
Then, he turned back to Hua Cheng and said, “Give me your hand.”
Hua Cheng stepped closer and did just as he said, holding out his hand to him. Xie Lian wrapped the red thread around Hua Cheng’s finger a few times before tying it off with a bow. It was very homemade, but that was what most of their relationship had been. Homemade. And that was just the way he liked it.
Hua Cheng took the second thread and lifted Xie Lian’s hand, doing the same thing. Xie Lian admired it with a giddy smile. He actually wouldn’t have minded if that was all they ever had for their rings. Shi Qingxuan would vow and declare that he deserved something more substantial and Hua Cheng would probably agree, but this felt so right. This felt like the vase Hua Cheng had painted on their first date. The one they still had sitting in the hallway right beside the plate.
“Before I met you, I didn't know being happy could be so easy,” Xie Lian admitted, “I-I want to be with you forever. I want being happy to always be this easy.”
“It will be,” Hua Cheng promised. He rested their heads together and said, “I was always going to be yours. For however long you want me.”
“Always,” Xie Lian vowed and sealed it with a kiss. Hua Cheng’s arms looped his waist, tugging him closer as the kiss grew deeper. Xie Lian tangled his fingers in Hua Cheng’s hair and sighed contently. This was heaven. This was where he always wanted to be. How could anything be better than this?
“I love you,” Hua Cheng murmured against his lips and sent a shiver down Xie Lian’s spine. It didn’t matter how many times he said it. It still made him feel things he never thought he’d feel. It still made him giddy.
“I love you, too,” Xie Lian nudged their noses together, reluctantly pulling away from the kiss. There was still just one little problem he had to fix. He traced a finger over Hua Cheng’s chest and said, “But, if Qingxuan says anything… I proposed two weeks ago, okay?”
Hua Cheng didn’t look upset when he said it. He looked amused. He pursed his lips, clearly trying to stop himself laughing, “What did you do?”
“I don’t know why I said it,” Xie Lian whined, afraid to ruin this perfect moment, but knowing full well that the cracks would form, that Hua Cheng was going to find out eventually if he didn’t tell him, “But, I promise I’m not doing this because of that. I do want to marry you. I really, really do.”
“I know,” Hua Cheng cupped his face in his hand and brushed his thumb along Xie Lian’s cheek, looking at him like he was something precious, “You are so cute and so ridiculous, and I love you so much, even if you are absolutely awful at telling your friends the truth.”
“That may be true. But, you’re my partner in crime,” Xie Lian smiled sheepishly.
“And I love it,” Hua Cheng pressed a kiss to his nose, “You wanna go to bed?”
“Mm not yet,” Xie Lian twirled a lock of Hua Cheng’s hair around his finger, “Can we watch the rest of the movie first?”
“Whatever my fiancé wants,” Hua Cheng swept Xie Lian up in his arms and walked him back to the couch.
If this was the way the rest of their lives were going to be, Xie Lian couldn’t wait.