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When Charlie wakes me up the morning after the play, I already knew what had happened. “He’s dead, isn’t he.” I say, my voice quiet. The tears on Charlie’s face told me that was true. “C’mon Todd, let's go for a walk.”
The snow is pretty. It’s falling fast, still. The sight of the white against the dock where me and Neil practiced his lines just weeks ago. I fall and fall and keep falling.
That was the end of the friend group. Keating was fired with not so much as a word from any of us. I cannot fail again. I think at the time. Charlie got expelled and had to transfer schools, Cameron buried himself in his studies, Knox fell for Chris and pretended nothing happened, Pitts and Meeks couldn’t even look at me. No one could. It was all looks of pity.
The funeral came and went. In the matter of weeks, it was like Neil never even existed. Like I was the only one who remembered him. Every morning I sat on his empty bed. His side of the room was so empty. It was hard to think that just one month ago, this room was full.
My grades don't drop at all. And in the quiet of the night, I allow myself to cry. I spend nights quietly sobbing and days studying. When there’s finally a tombstone for him, I visit once a week. I know his body wasn’t buried there but it brings a slight comfort. Gone too soon, the inscription reads. The day of my first visit, I see Charlie standing next to me. “You too?” He snarks. “The rest of Welton has moved on, it’s the least I could do.” I reply, honestly “Even Steven?” Charlie asks. I nod solemnly. His face drops. He’s always liked Meeks more than anyone else. I can’t imagine how it feels to know that your best friend doesn’t mourn the death of your other best friend. “Shit.” Charlie cusses.
After that, there is nothing to say. I blend in with the rest of school. Junior year passes like quicksand. I lose 10 pounds by the end of it. Part of it was exercising but most of it was my lack of appetite or my lack of my will to live. I just want this to end. I still talk to Meeks sometimes but I can’t find anything funny to say and he quickly gets tired of talking about Neil. The first day of summer, I go to visit Neil again. This time I sit down in the grass in front of his grave
“Sorry I've been slacking off on visits lately. I’ve had finals and I'm done with Junior year. We have the whole summer now.” I start with. I stay silent for a while. Then the sobs rack my body. “Oh Neil, how did we fall so fast? Everyday, I think about you. Everyone expects me to be over it but i’ll never be over it. Grief never ends, Neil. Life has to grow around it. And I don’t have a life. I barely have a reason to live. I can’t bear it. I can’t say anything right and I’m completely invisible. I don’t know what to do.” I cry.
I leave my flowers on his grave, not sure what else to say. I see his mom as I leave. “Oh Todd, this is for you.” She hands me a notebook. I open the first page and see the title of the notebook. To Todd. It reads.
I make a choked out sound. She hands me a pack of tissues. We stand at Neils grave in silence for a couple minutes as I collect myself. “Thank you, Todd. For being there. I know what you meant to Neil. Now I can only hope you’ll meet in heaven.” She says. I hug her tight.
The seasons change. I start senior year. I read Neils letters in my free time but life still moves forward. I apply to college. I get a new friend group. I only spend about a third of my time studying now.
But i’m much happier. I get the first college letter in May, when I collect my mail after sitting with my friends in the courtyard. “Read it!” One of my friends encourages “Read it!” Another yells along. They start a chant. I rip the letter open. “From Yale: Dear, Mr. Anderson, You’ve been….accepted.” This time I am the first one to scream. No way. Accepted. The letters come in packs after that, 3 rejections and 2 other acceptance letters.
Then comes the letter from Harvard, my dream school. I’m alone when I find it wedged in to my letterbox. I don’t rip it open like I have in the past. I’m not going to get in. I skim read until the part I need most. “Mr. Anderson, you have been……. Accepted.” Harvard was me and Neils plan. Now I can actually go.
I run down the hall and up the stairs to my dorm. But when I open the door, I realize Neil isn’t there. He will never be there. But my friends will. The truth is, I still think about Neil a lot. In a way that most people would find strange, I still talk to him. But I don’t feel as sad anymore. Because my life has grown. I am no longer invisible.