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We'd gone to bed, Chloe and I, angry at each other. It was my fault, really, she'd only been trying to help. I just couldn't wrap my head around the concept that Mom was gone and I lashed out at the closest convenient target. My wife didn't deserve it, no, in fact she talked to me for hours about it. But I was being a bitch; I couldn't help it cause it fucking hurt so bad. It wasn't fair, like life ever was to begin with.
Today, being the first Mother's Day since Mom died, I kinda had a breakdown. So much has changed in only a year.
Last year, Mom and I were planning a big surprise for Chloe... it never happened.
Last year, Mom and Dad both decided to retire and do some travelling... it never happened.
Last year, Mom was thrilled to become a Grandma after the news of the impending adoption of our little girl... it never happened.
No matter how much I think about it, how much I want to rewind the fuck out of this timeline or find a photo to go back to, there's nothing I can do. Both Mom and Dad got sick... and then they died. And now I have to live with that memory for every fucking Mother's Day for the rest of my life.
Because she's not here...
And then, to put icing on the cake for this Dog Damned Hallmark Holiday, I fought with my Perfect Match, my better half, my soul mate, my Chloe...
So here I am at 2am, the day after Mother's Day, doing what Chloe suggested and sitting at my desk with a card.
---Front of card---
⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰
Mothers are the rocks and
foundation of family
⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰
---Inside of card---
⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰
Thanks for being my first
Best Friend
Teacher
and Guide through life
You did a great job.
⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰⊱⊰
---Handwritten note---
May 10th, 2021
Dear Joyce,
Since we met, when I was so young, you have been as much part of my life as my own parents. The fun we've had while growing up, learning to make pancakes, and you guiding Chloe and I through growing up is irreplacable. I've always thought of you as much my mother as my own and you've never let me down.
I'm having a hard time right now, something you know well having lost William so many years ago. I don't know how to move on, or even if it's right. I just... don't know what to think, or do, or say.
I had so many things I left unsaid. Words that will haunt me for not speaking them. When they took me away from The Bay, from Chloe, I hated them both, but especially took it out on Mom.
How am I going to get past this?
And that, by the way, is where we kept looping, Chloe and I. Tonight was hard, and I know she means well, but I guess I need help.
I need... a mother's touch.
I don't have one anymore, not really, but you've always been there for both of us.
Joyce, will you call me when you get this? I need to talk, but I can't get myself to pick up the phone.
Thanks in advance,
A broken Max.
I layed my pen down, folded the card and slipped it into the envelope, licking the seal that would keep my words from escaping. After rummaging around the drawer for a stamp, I addressed it and was done. It was then that long, slender arms wrapped around me in the dimly lit room. I felt a chin rest on my shoulder, turning so her sweet breath whispered in my ear.
"You okay, babe?"
"Kinda."
"It's a beginning, yeah?"
"Uh huh."
I felt lips nibble at my earlobe.
"You wanna come back to bed, love?"
"Yeah."
Slowly, a hand trailed down my arm, its fingers finding purchase and interlocking with my own. Chloe tugged lightly and led me back to where I belonged. We walked quietly down the hallway, stopping only once, to quickly check on our little girl, who was sleeping soundly as only kids can. Finally in bed, Chloe's strong arms protected me from my own demons and her body's warmth calmed me.
My safe place.
Good night.