Work Text:
Who are you?
Your hand is on my soul and I feel like I can’t know
you but really deep inside I think I truly do. Can’t look
in your eyes, can’t look in your eyes, I see reflections
of my yearning; can’t look in your eyes,
can’t look in your eyes, and see the way you see
me; can’t look past years of lies and believe
that it’s the truth. You say that you’re my friend,
you’ve given armies for my blood’s-sake; rebelled
against all you’d ever known just to keep me
safe. We brush, don’t touch, just pining from a distance;
don’t let you see, don’t let you see, don’t let you know
how much I feel. My heart's racing when you look
my way, can’t show the way you make me
sway, and can’t say what I want to say, take it with me to the grave.
I searched for you, I killed for you, I’ve changed
for you and you for me. We fight for this, we fight for us,
we fight for l- can’t you just see ? Don’t make me say it,
please oh please, it’s in my throat, stuck
in my teeth; it burns my tongue, salt to a demon,
I cock my gun, keep moving forward. Damnit, Cas,
why d’you make me feel things that I don’t think you know exist ?
Angels can’t love, they lack equipment; not built for this,
just like me. Foot in the shoe, one more step forward,
just keep running from the secrets I keep. They stack
on my shoulders- not wings- more boulders, closed
lips...those lips...those eyes so fucking blue…
pull your shit together now Winchester,
can’t think that way, can’t think of how my hand just fits in yours-
and when we hug I get your smell- can’t think just drive
into the night, don’t answer calls, just drink and fight
and fix my gun and wash my car, kill a monster, crash
a bar, don’t think, don’t think, just hunt and drink,
silver bullets, vampire teeth, things I know, things that’re real,
things that really don’t make me feel...like I’m falling,
slipping, crashing into something new...something
shaped just like... you . You son-of-a-bitch, what’s the big idea?
You fuck up again, thinking I’ll forgive ya? And just like that
I drive you away- say you won’t be back, it’s better
this way, but can’t you see? There’s no me without
you. Do I forgive you? Man, of course I do! You’re family,
you’re more- you’re everything to me. Just don’t be dead,
let me tell you, please . I want to, I need
to, it’s so hard, you see- but you say you know .
Does that mean you don’t care? Does it mean
you don’t want it, does it mean it’s not there- the thing
that I felt, that I’d hoped would come through- thought
I’d caught glimpse of a... thing like mine, just within
you. So I fight, and I dance, and I eat and I sleep.
And I don’t pray, though I want to, just to have you
with me. Hope flies away, and I settle for this- just you
beside me, not touching; distanced. Then we’re running-
we’re hiding- she’s got her hand on my heart- but
that’s not the thing that tore it apart. It’s what you said next,
that I’m good ? That I’m love ? That you love the whole world
not from the beginning but because you love me ?
What the hell do I say? I know what I want to, but it takes
you away. It takes you, it took you, now I’m alone in hell.
I love you. ‘Course I love you.
I love you,
Castiel.