Chapter Text
I’m not going to die alone here.
There is not a single fibre of my body not shooting with pain. It’s stupid, but I can’t just lay here and die. I force myself up, gritting my teeth, every ache flaring like a firecracker under my skin.
Unsteady on my feet, I stumble, catching myself on a storefront wall. Arisu and Usagi have already gone to face Mira in the Queen of Hearts game. There’s nothing left to do, nothing to hide from, and no more games to play. And I’m seriously done playing games.
I shuffle in the direction of where Arisu said he left Chishiya and Niragi. It might as well have been through the jungle at the pace I’m going, stopping every few meters to prop myself up on an abandoned car and gasp for air. Refusing to look over my shoulder to see how little I’ve moved, my gashes ooze blood, begging me to quit. I slide my jacket off, tying it around my waist, and pressing the fabric into the largest stab wound in my side.
Still, the only thing to do is keep going. The temptation of rest pushed to the back of my mind, knowing that if I stop now, all that’s waiting is the cold pavement to comfort me. If he’s still alive, then I can fall asleep in his arms as I did a few days ago. Slipping away into the darkness doesn’t seem so bad then.
Pushing on a few streets down, what has to have been ages later, my ears prick up. Close by, Chishiya’s voice reaches me softer than a whisper, but I know it’s him. My heart picks up in my chest, dosed by a sudden adrenaline shot. I throw my feet in front of one another a little faster, not paying attention to the pain shuddering through me with every slam of my heel into the road.
There’s another man’s voice. Didn’t Arisu mention he left him with Niragi? What could they possibly be talking about? By the time I get close enough, they’re already silent as I round one of the stalled cars.
Slumped against one of the cars, Chishiya rests, blood soaking through his white jacket. His head lolls to the side, spotting me. He raises his chin, blinking as if I’m not really here.
“Chishiya,” I exhale, and a wave of exhaustion crashes into me. Walking my dying body down all those streets finally catches up with me. I want to crumble, crawl to him, cry, scream, sleep. I want to tell him all the things I’ve been holding in, all the words and sweet nothings only a dying person would say. Or at least all the things someone who has a healthy amount of vulnerability would say.
He starts forming my name, and in my mind, all I can hear is his usual attitude.
“Shut up.” I collapse beside him, leaning against the car, touching my shoulder to his. Not a single snide comment out of his mouth yet; if he can actually listen to me, I might be able to die in peace.
“I’m not dying alone,” I heave a painful breath.
“Everyone dies alone.”
“Excuse me, I mean, I would like to die in the company of others.” Forcing out the words, my lungs give out on me. I double over, coughing, a burning sting spreads across my back and chest. Every bone jolting with pain, I convulse like an electric shock victim.
Chishiya places his hand on my back as my cough slows to a wheeze and air flows more smoothly into my lungs. About as smooth as the terrain of a dirt road, but still better. I fall back against the car again, knocking my head, a pebble thrown amongst the boulder of agony I've been hit with.
“I also don’t want to be alone,” Chishiya whispers into my hair. Time stops moving; even the blood dripping from my injuries seems to stop flowing in shock. For a moment, all the pain in my body subsides as if he could administer opioids with just his voice. My foggy brain repeats the words over and over again.
“Say that again, I think I was hallucinating.”
“You heard me,” he rasps, refusing to meet my stare. I’m not going to give up that easily, as if he is not the type to lie when it suits him, as if he hasn’t lied to me in the past.
My eyes burn into his face, unblinking. I memorize every detail, every pore, the shadow of stubble across his jaw, the small marks on his skin, the slant of his nose and the curve of his lips. I scan every feature until he breaks.
Chishiya turns his face to me, the sadness usually buried deep behind his dark eyes has pushed its way to the front. The wall he put up, not just to keep everyone out but to hide everything within, has cracked. Dark circles hang from his eyes; it’s not solely the bullet wounds or being on the verge of dying. Something must have happened while we were split up. The games have never gotten to him before, but this is not the same Chishiya I left only a few days ago. Warmth bleeds through his cold exterior. Cold as a corpse, as always, but his heart burns away underneath for the first time since I’ve known him. How unlucky to decide to be human on death’s doorstep.
“I’m sorry.” He holds my hand tight as if I’ll disappear if he lets go. I, too, am a little worried I might disappear if he lets go. I’m stepping into uncharted territory. Chishiya isn’t playing games anymore, and a part of me wants to quit while we’re ahead. I was prepared to charge in here and take the lead, but I’ve misstepped. He is in first place, about to take home the gold, and I want to disqualify myself before he has a chance. There can’t be a winner if only one person is competing.
“Sorry for what?” I murmur, struggling to maintain eye contact with him. So long ago, I wanted to quit playing around. Isn’t this what I wanted? I take a shaky breath. I can’t tell myself I want to stop all the mind games and then run when there’s a chance to call a truce. It’s not fair for either of us to do this our own way. We have to do it together. I can’t be a coward anymore; there’s nowhere left to run to, and my legs won’t be able to carry me anywhere.
“For not being honest with you, for all the mind games. You seemed so confident you had me figured out when we met; you wanted to get under my skin, to know me personally. You messed with me to get my attention; it worked. I hated that you could see right through me. I convinced myself that you were a delusional idiot.”
“Wow, charm me, why don’t you,” I deadpan. His words prickle across my skin like pins and needles, my muscles stiffening.
Letting my head fall to the side, I pick a spot of weeds growing out from the pavement and lock in. Chishiya pauses, waiting for me to return to my body. Impatient, he places his two fingers along my jawline, bringing my attention back to him.
“Those were lies I told myself to feel better. You saw how pathetic I was underneath it all, yet you still believed I could be good. I both hated and was intrigued by you for being able to play my games to outdo me. Almost.”
“Almost?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Almost.”
Liar. I purse my lips, a smile threatening the edges.
The last of the guard I was holding onto was slowly slipping out of my hands. We stay like that, his brown eyes staring into mine.
Either of us could die soon; the whole world is possibly near its end. Buildings violently overtaken by plants, splitting the concrete. Soon, the vegetation will take it all down, the roads, stores, houses, all reborn into a jungle. The last traces of urbanism left will be buried like ancient artifacts. If we manage to live, who knows what will happen to us in this world? If we die, like we just might, I don’t think I will forgive myself if I don’t speak my mind.
“I was bored, you know.”
Chishiya tilts his head, eyebrows piqued in interest. He may be smart, but some things do go over his head. I try to keep a straight face; he never lets his emotions get the better of him, a key factor in his deductive ability. If he couldn’t figure out my motives, it can only mean one thing.
“I’m not like you, I never enjoyed the games. My goal was always to get my sister and I back home. I had to keep going, no matter what, for her.” The rest of my words slip from my head, her smiling face flashing in their place.
What little warmth left in my body seeps out, shivering beneath the bright evening sun. No matter how many days go by, fighting to keep the world from going grey never gets any easier. Everything goes out of focus; I steady myself as best as possible. There may be no future for me, maybe. There is no future for Lina. She will not see the sun slowly sink beyond the horizon tonight, unlike me. I might wake up tomorrow morning. Should such a miracle happen, I need to live the life she always wanted to be a part of; I need to live so she won’t fade away. I grit my teeth, Chishiya’s hand in mine tethering me to the Earth, I blink him into focus.
“The days between the games were the worst. Nothing to fill the endless hours, we were always tired, hungry, and bored.” I take a deep breath. “After she was gone and I came to The Beach, it was somehow worse. I didn’t need to worry about how I was going to take care of her or myself. There were only the games. Then, I saw you.”
I allow myself to smile a little bit, letting my mind wander back to the days when, for the first time in a while, I let go of Lina’s death. Just for a little bit out of the day, outside of playing games, she was at rest.
“You were fascinating. Not there to party or socialize, only to sit back and observe. What kind of person like that joins a place like The Beach? I had to know. Granted, you’re not as mysterious as you think you are.” I give him a cheeky grin.
“You’re not as charming as you think you are,” Chishiya shoots back. A small smirk on his face, hiding the twinge of pain. As much as he admitted it earlier, it still hurts for him to acknowledge it; what I thought to myself weeks ago at The Beach, I can see through you.
“You say this even though I somehow managed to charm you.”
“Barely,” he whispers, tucking my hair behind my ear. My heart picks up the pace, fast enough to run a whole marathon. I could melt into him right here, bleeding together in each other’s arms and I hate it. I hate that no matter what has happened, I can’t help but let him get to me, let him take my heart whenever he pleases. I’ll never stop being frustrated with myself.
“Barely. You know that’s what I told myself too. You were just some smartass, hiding yourself behind this false bravado, something to play with in my spare time” I pause, holding his gaze.
“And when I realized I had fallen for you, I called bullshit, I barely liked you. And I don’t know what’s going to happen next, if we’re going to die, if we’re going to get to go back to our world, or if we’re just fucked and stuck here forever. But what I do know, is whatever happens, I want to be with you.”
I search his eyes for a response, on the verge of throwing up in his lap if he doesn’t find the words to say and fast. His hand tenses in mine like holding onto a statue; an earthquake couldn’t sway him from his position. I’m not stupid and he’s not mysterious. I know he wants to be with me, but whether he is willing to stay with me is another matter entirely.
A Venus flytrap has more in common with him than any other predator; some people view their fight or flight reaction as a lion or a bird. Nothing could be so pedestrian for Chishiya. He sits back and anticipates the prey, confirming the kill is worth his while before he goes for it. Always weighing his options, waiting for the right moment, if it gets away from him, it’s because it wasn’t worth it. A bug can be too small for a Venus flytrap to bother swallowing.
He only pulls as far as I’m willing to push, now that I’ve basically shoved him off a cliff, will he pull me down into the freefall? Or am I too small to pull for?
“As long as you are willing to stay with me, you are welcome to.”
“You know you can just say you want me to stay.”
“I want you to stay,” Chishiya responds with no hesitation this time.
His hand slides along my jawline, fingers getting tangled in my hair, his thumb resting on my cheekbone. I let my forehead fall against his, eyelids fluttering shut. The day, the nightmares fall away. Where I used to be haunted by my past and the games in the darkness of my closed eyes, I now simply see black static. We breathe together, the stale metallic of our blood crusting on our clothes mixing with the sweat and dirt we haven’t been able to get away from since coming to the Borderlands.
The divine relief being in his arms is enough to subside the painful throbbing of my body. My muscles stretched to the tension of a tightrope finally snap free, coiling in a heap at my feet. The heat returns to my skin, flushing my face. I give his other hand, still intertwined with mine, a quick squeeze to make sure this is real.
“You two make me sick,” Niragi’s voice cuts through the silence.
My head pops up, pulling away from Chishiya, his hand falls from my hair. I peer behind his shoulder, Niragi supported upright by another deserted car farther down from us. There’s no way he heard most of what we said, our voices too low, only meant for one another, forgetting Niragi is also dying twenty meters away from us.
Niragi somehow looks even worse for wear then the last time I saw him. His burned skin on full display without his makeshift mask. Blood stains his clothes, darkening the layers of dirt to black. He almost seems pitiful wilting away like a weed in the pavement, flopped over, leaves ripped off from being stamped under the soles of so many shoes. I want to spit venom, watch the weed dissolve into nothing.
“If you live, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be better,” I call out to him, almost like I'm a nice person. The words suck the moisture from my throat, spurring me into another coughing fit. Chishiya rubs my back, until it subsides, and I drop into his arms.
Death can make us sentimental. It’s the worst part about it. If there is a higher power, handing out miracles, then hopefully in the next life, we can all be better. Beneath the apathy, at his core, I saw a desire to hope in Chishiya that he couldn’t until now. If I saw that in him, then Niragi is not a complete hopeless case.
Not another word is exchanged. I rest my head on Chishiya’s shoulder, holding onto his arm, our hands locked together. We watch the sun sink below the horizon as stars dot the lavender sky. The night air chills me to the bone, using Chishiya I keep the shivering at bay. Our breathing becomes more laborious, us gasping for air the only accompaniment to the music of the cricket’s chirping.
Hours and hours go by like this and I wonder how long it will take for us to drift off into death’s arms. A new ache inches its way into my chest, I try to empty my mind, but every time I do, something worse creeps in. Will I have to cradle Chishiya as he dies? Having to watch as his breathing hitches, eyes fluttering shut while I hold onto his last words, stillness overcoming him. I don’t have the strength to crawl away, I don’t have the strength to cry. I’ll die, who knows how long later, embracing his lifeless body.
“I want to go first,” I say in a soft voice, a tear slipping out of my eye.
“What?” He breathes out.
“You’re not allowed to die first; I want it to be me.” I tell him firmly, neither of us strong enough to move to look at each other.
“I haven’t taken you on a date yet and you’re already making outrageous requests.”
“Chishiya.”
“Fine, I’ll try my best to let you go first.”
“Thank you.”
I have more things to say hanging off the tip of my tongue for him. My mouth dry at the three little words lingering there.
“Congratulations, all of the games have now been cleared.” A robotic woman’s voice booms across Tokyo with ten of the best words I have ever heard in my whole life.
A loud crackle echoes throughout the city, fireworks, one after the other fill the sky will neon colours. The most beautiful sight to behold. Hundreds of them burning bright against the inky black like they’ll never fizzle out, a never-ending fireworks show.
My head fills with air, with congratulatory fireworks as if it were a holiday, not a celebration of ending a constant threat to our lives. Arisu and Usagi did it. I can’t believe they did it. My eyes want to close in relief, but the chance of opening them and this being all a dream weighs too heavily on my chest.
“All surviving players will be presented with two choices. Players must now all decide whether to accept permeant residency in this country or decline it.” I grip Chishiya’s hand like a bear trap, not sure if I heard the voice right.
“Once again, players must now decide whether to accept permeant residency or decline it.”
This is it, what I’ve been fighting for over these past few months. I wish Lina was here to enjoy it with me. As much as I yearn to be holding her hand when I leave this place, I still carry her with me in my heart.
My body heavy with pain floats on cloud nine, like every molecule in me has come apart and drifted into the air. I muffle a tearless sob, no energy left in me to cry, even a happy one. All I can do is smile for a moment, a foreign feeling to me. Desperately crawling to the finish line, we did it and I’m alive to see it. I deserve one little smile. So, I don’t hesitate.
“I decline.”
Lifting my gaze to Chishiya, his eyes flick down to me for a second like a caged animal seeking an escape. I rub circles on the back of his hand, there are so many things I want to say to him, but now is not the right time. He watches the fireworks go off, searching amongst the sparking fire popping and fading away. Every new burst of colour brightens his face even more, seeming less pale and injured under the sparkling array.
“I… don’t want it, I think.”
I snuggle into him, whatever happens to us, we’re doing it together. He drops his head onto mine and we admire the fireworks as if we were a real couple on a normal date. One with less blood and dying. I wonder if we’ll get to do something like this again.
“What will you do?” Chishiya calls out to Niragi, who sits mesmerized by the fireworks like the rest of us.
“I don’t want it,” he rasps out as if the words were painful. Maybe there is hope for us all.
The three of us stare up at the sky, as I imagine the rest of our friends are doing right now. I hope to see them all again soon, in a perfect world we’ll all make it to the other side of these Borderlands. Somehow, one more tear I didn’t know I had left in me escapes, we all did it together. I don’t know what’s waiting for all of us on the other side, but whatever it is, I want to get through it with them.
Chishiya returns my gesture, drawing slow circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. The Borderlands took so much from me, but in a way, I’m almost thankful, I would have never had forged such strong bonds with all these amazing people. And now Chishiya and I get to leave together.
All the things I want to tell him burn inside of me, but I can feel myself slipping, my life being pulled out from under me. Hopefully one day I will get to if I make to the other side of this darkness.
The world fades around me, wrapping me in a blanket of black as I sink away from everything.