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Kris was a nervous wreck. You'd think performing to complete strangers was the worst, but to Kris it was his family. Not his parents and siblings, no, but his uncles. While his mum had always been loving and supportive of him and his interests, his uncles had always just talked "that band... thing of his" down. How they'd only become famous because of his dad, how he should've been playing even before he could walk to ever make it. When Joker Out had started gaining momentum without much of his dad's help and despite of his "late" interest in guitars the topic of slander had turned to how they acted and dressed. Floral patterns? Gay. Bright colors? Gay. Hugging and cuddling? Gay. Caring about your friends? Gay.
"Why don't you snog that singer of yours on stage since you're all in on this homo train to bring in the audience?" one of his uncles had said jokingly, it was Christmas after all and they wanted to keep at least some of the peace, but Kris knew it was anything but a joke. Before Kris could blow up on them his mum had thankfully told her brothers to shut their mouths if they wanted to get anything to eat. He wished she would've just thrown them out, but family bonds and important holidays make you stand ridiculous things.
Well, now those assholes were to be in the audience, talked into it by no other than his dear mother. She means well, bless her heart, but Kris would've loved if those tickets were held by anyone else. Nothing could be done about it now though, other than wish they all caught the flu of the century and couldn't attend. Kris didn't want to risk it however, so on their way to Utrecht he gathered the guys in the sitting area of their bus.
"You guys remember my uncles, right?"
"Assholes," muttered both Jan and Bojan simultaneously. Jure and Nace just nodded, the latter frowning a little.
"So my mum went and talked them over to buying tickets..."
"Wait, really?" Bojan asked and grabbed his arm. "They're coming to see us live, finally?"
Bojan's excitement died down when he saw Kris wasn't feeling it at all.
"C'mon, we can finally show them!" he tried to cheer him up. The rest voiced their agreement.
"Yes. And we will," Kris agreed. "But I need to ask you guys to tone down all physical stuff or I'm gonna be hearing nothing but how JO is nothing more than an excuse of a band to perform live homo polycule-ing... or something."
His eyes wandered to Nace and Jan who were both looking at him, before they glanced at each other and then back at him, now with their brows raised. Kris just turned to Bojan. He gently removed his hand from his arm where it had stayed all this time. "You as well."
"Okay. Okay. I'll stay at an arm's length from you at all times, promise!"
"Thank you."
A bit later, Bojan came up to him.
"Hey, I just wanted to ask if you wanna sing NGVOT?"
"No," Kris said immediately. Bojan didn't seem too taken aback but Kris still felt the need to explain.
"I'll be nervous enough even without it, so could we just pass it tonight?"
"Sure, no problem," Bojan said and touched his arm reassuringly. "You are gonna talk to your people in their language at least, right?"
"Yeah... I think I can do that. Maybe."
Bojan smiled at him and patted his arm before heading off. Kris watched him go, mind already escaping to worrying about the night ahead.
The evening came and Kris was squeezing the neck of his guitar so hard that his knuckles had turned white. He paced the small space where they waited for the intro to play before going on stage and half of the band gave him slightly concerned looks, others reassuring. Finally Nace grabbed him by his elbow, turned them face to face and gave his shoulders a rub. "You'll be fine!" he yelled over the music. Kris could feel Jure patting him on the back and then the intro ended and they were on.
At first Kris didn't find them in the audience, much to his delight. The crowd was lovely and Kris forgot about his uncles' judging eyes. He just enjoyed seeing people sing and jump and enjoy the songs. The guys kept their promise to keep the performance homophobic-relatives-friendly and Bojan ignored him the best he could. Then Carpe Diem started. Kris' eyes wandered the balcony and noticed a familiar face being lit momentarily by a passing stage light. His uncle. And next to him another familiar looking figure. He quickly looked away, desperate to cling to his fleeting good mood, but it slid through his fingers like sand. Suddenly he was very aware of how he looked and acted. He had to think and manually play every sound, years of muscle memory and half a year of performing Carpe Diem extensively gone right down the drain. He could already imagine the next family reunion.
"Just stick to school, boy."
"Get a real job."
"No wonder they ended up with such a bad score at Eurovision. A whole half a year dedicated and the boy can't even play it! Miha you sure you are his actual dad?"
What part were they on? Kris suddenly forgot. Was this already the second chorus? He glanced at the others. Fuck. He took a gamble and miraculously landed on the correct tabs. Playing the last note of Carpe Diem felt almost as euphoric as when they got through the Eurovision finale performance without big mistakes. He had made it, he hadn't fucked up during their most popular song and hadn't given his uncles' words any proof. He handed his guitar over to Kiki and took the acoustic one in return. Just Novi Val left and it was an easy and chill song to play, he couldn't fuck it up even if he tried. His body still hadn't got the signal to calm down, adrenaline running wild and making it impossible to stand still without shaking. He decided to try and walk it off while the others got their guitars sorted. Looking at the crowd, and strictly just the floor section, he saw fans cheering and smiling and waving at him. To him it felt like they were cheering because he had done it, he had been able to keep his cool and show his asshole relatives he had actual talent. He smiled back at them and then Bojan appeared in his vision.
"Hey, your speech."
Kris' smile wavered. He had forgotten. He couldn't do that now. He'd stumble on his words and his voice would be shaky from the adrenaline and—
Bojan stroked his arm.
"You'll be alright," he mouthed. Kris stared at him, devastated. "Just thank them and say something Novi Val themed."
How the mic ended up in his hand was completely lost to Kris. All his brain could think of was Bojan reading the situation completely wrong and how his uncles saw him and Bojan alone on the stage, Bojan caressing his bare arm and fangirls next to them probably giggling about it. Everything fell apart like a house of cards. He stepped forward, the smile, which had never left but turned joyless, still on his face. Scenarios of being the laughingstock once again whipped through his mind. The crowd screamed, loudly, and it snapped him finally out of his nightmarish haze.
Right, the speech.
Somehow, he made it through with grace. The guys wandered on the stage instead of staying at the back so he didn't have to be all alone and it gave him comfort and brought safety. When he was done he handed the mic back without as much as a glance because he wouldn't have been able to not look like he wanted to murder Bojan on the spot.
When the gig finally ended Kris stormed to the backstage. He started gathering his stuff in a hurry but Bojan, who followed right behind him, reached for his arm to get his attention. "Hey—"
"Do not fucking talk to me," Kris hissed, keeping his voice low. "You ruined everything. Leave me alone."
Bojan blinked. The words seemed to cut him like a knife. His voice turned small and he barely got a word out. "What..."
"I fucking told you not to touch me. At all. What was so hard to understand? Now I will always be made fun of at every family event and it's. Your. Fault."
"I couldn't help myself," Bojan tried explaining but Kris just turned him his back. "You looked so nervous, I just wanted to—"
"Ruin everything," Kris ended the sentence for him before walking out.
He barely made it in the bus when tears started running down his face. He threw his stuff under a seat, went to his bed, closed the curtains, and cried his heart out.
Nace arrived soon after. Kris heard his steps stopping next to his bed.
"Hey," Nace said quietly. "Are you alright? What's wrong?"
Kris didn't answer. He tried to hold back his tears as he opened the curtain but when he saw Nace crouching next to his bed, looking worried sick, he started bawling again and pressed his face in his pillow. Nace didn't ask further questions but just rubbed his back. The others arrived at some point, staying respectfully out of the sleeping area when Nace waved them off. Bojan took more convincing than the others but backed off in the end. Nace kept comforting Kris, talking quietly to him and trying to figure out the situation once he started to calm down.
"Everything was going so well," Kris sobbed. "Why couldn't he just... do what I asked."
"It could be your uncles never saw that."
"Of course they saw it. They came to see me fail."
Nace reached to hold his hand in his.
"I know he fucked up majorly, but Bojan meant well. Try making things up with him. You know he can't just watch when someone dear to him isn't feeling good."
Kris just sighed deeply and looked away, wiping his buffy eyes. Nace squeezed his hand.
"Is it okay if I go and tell him to come over?"
Kris didn't think it'd solve anything because he saw nothing really to solve. Bojan could apologize but it wouldn't change the past.
"Yeah. I think," Kris answered. It was a mutually agreed rule in the group to not go to sleep if there was an argument to be solved.
Nace gave him one last rub in the shoulder before he left and Kris slowly got up to face the singer. He wiped his eyes once more and caught a glimpse of his face in one of the windows. He looked just as pathetic as he felt, buffy eyes, red nose, hair a mess, but it was nothing Bojan hadn't seen before. He took a deep breath and turned his attention to Bojan who walked over, seeming eager to solve this whole mess.
Bojan was an emotionally and socially intelligent man, quick to read situations and got easily along with everyone, but when it came to solving arguments with him it was a whole other deal. He cared a lot, almost too much, so fighting with a friend made him anxious and a bit hot headed. It usually fell to Kris to keep the conversation calm but it was difficult when emotions ran high.
It was obvious from Bojan's expression that seeing Kris like this made him distressed. Kris sensed he wanted to hug him straight away but was glad when Bojan stopped at a respectful distance.
"So..." Kris started. "If I explain my point of view, will you listen without interrupting?"
"Yes."
"I got really anxious during Carpe Diem because that's when I spotted my uncles in the crowd. Like I kept forgetting what part we were on and was afraid I'd mess up. I still had that adrenaline in me when you walked over with the mic which is why I guess I might've looked anxious to you but I was actually already calming down. I didn't need your reassurance."
Kris regretted his last sentence the second it left his lips. It wasn't only unnecessarily rude but false as well. Bojan looked hurt by it.
"I mean," Kris tried to back pedal quickly. "I did but..."
"Sorry," he muttered. "You go ahead."
Bojan stayed silent for a moment, just looking at him, and those were the second worst seconds of the night for Kris. He had clearly been hurt by Kris' words, a shadow lingering on his face and sadness in his eyes. Ah, the eyes. They could make you feel like the most adored person on the planet or like you had just hurt someone so deeply it was unfixable. Kris wanted to believe that while he was heavily leaning on the latter tonight, it was at least partially untrue, that Bojan had too much love for his friends, for Kris, to forever hold his rude words with him.
"I..." Bojan started. "I know I promised not to. But you seemed so shaken and disoriented I couldn't just ignore it."
Of course you couldn't, Kris thought.
"Like if I told you not to intervene and then got beat up, would you be able to just stand and watch?"
Kris shook his head.
Mess. This is a mess. Kris' feelings were everywhere. He was still mad that Bojan had acted against his wishes but at the same time understood why he had done it, but then again it had done more damage than good, but his intentions were pure. If only Kris could not give a damn about his uncles.
"I don't know where we go from here," he said. "I understand your point of view but it won't stop my uncles from being assholes. I— I don't see a way to resolve this."
Bojan looked at him, reached out his hand, grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him in a tight hug.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this," he said quietly. "And that I caused it to you."
Kris hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry, too. I was unnecessarily rude to you when you were just looking out for me."
Kris let the hug last because while he hoped the opposite, he knew Bojan would blame himself for a long time and no words of his could stop him. But a long hug might just deliver the message home that Kris still liked and loved him as one of the most important people in his life.
While some things got resolved, it took time for them to go back to how things were before. Bojan kept his distance, wanting to give Kris space, and Kris felt like being just by himself. Touring thankfully gives you other things to think about and eventually things got back to how they were before.
Summer came and went by fast, so did autumn. Their new album was received well, touring Australia was a whole new experience and coming back to perform in the Baltic countries was something he had missed. Winter crept around and sooner than he wished Kris stood outside his parents' house, heart heavy. It was Christmas. What if it had all been for nothing in the end?