Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The moment I held your little hand
A whole new world in front of my eyes
I know you woke me, myself, I
Now let's get started it with you and me

—"Take My Hand", ZEROBASEONE

---

“Matthew, who do you like more? Jiwoong hyung or Hanbin hyung?”

“ Jiwoon hyung is a cute and flirty kind of hyung—”

While Matthew struggles to find the next words to say, Jiwoong stares at the ground, hoping that he can keep his smile from getting any bigger. It’s hard not to, at the deadly combination of mispronunciation and sincerity, made potent by the sweet, contemplative smile on Matthew’s face. Behind him, Hanbin shakes in silent giggles. 

“We tease each other?”

Jiwoong tilts his head. “Tease?”

“Yeah, like we play around a lot—”

“Like friends?”

“Ah”. Matthew gives him a bewildered expression. “Not that much.”

“Oh.”

A puff of laughter from Hanbin’s side. Beside him, Hao covers his gasp with a hand, scandalized.

Matthew uses their joint hands to pat Jiwoong in consolation. “Hyung is still a hyung.”

“... Alright.”

The room erupts in laughter at his play at disappointment. After both of their hands are raised (“There’s no way I’d be able to choose!”) Jiwoong hugs a giggly, albeit winded Matthew, who slumps against him as if he just faced the greatest challenge of his life. There's a giddiness in Jiwoong’s chest that carries him throughout the rest of the livestream.

Zerobaseone. Zeroses. Sometimes, he needs to remind himself that he’s not dreaming. Like now, he makes an effort to ground himself in the conversations of where to go for dinner, who’s riding with who on the way back to the dorm, what the sleeping arrangement is going to be for tonight.

They pass between a crowd of people, holding signs, flashing phones, saying their names and how much they love them, support them. It becomes white noise once Jiwoong enters the van, but he still peers outside, flitting his gaze between searching, unaware eyes.

“—Jiwoong hyung looked like he was going to pass out. Right Hyung?”

Gyuvin nudges his shoulder, finally getting his attention.

“Hm?”

“What did I say.” He and Yujin nudge each other as if sharing some kind of joke. 

A bit miffed at missing out, Jiwoong wraps an arm around Yujin, closing in until the other starts to snicker, unsuccessfully, away.

—

“Like friends?”

“Ah, Hyung is still hyung.”

In hindsight, Jiwoong should have realized by then that something was going on with him. Maybe then, he could have done something to stop it from going further.

—

They’re in their waiting room for KCON, the television displaying the pre-recording of some group currently practicing, the staff scattered holding makeup and costumes and tittering about any last-minute changes regarding their outfits. Jiwoong sits by one of the tables, sipping coffee and going over his notes for today.

“Hyung, you know Japanese?”

Matthew looks over Jiwoong’s shoulder, staring at the page of messy characters and unfinished sentences. It’s enough to impress him as he sits on a chair, eyes curiously scanning the opened pages.

Jiwoong’s Japanese is rudimentary at best. He had a decent enough Japanese following that he’s able to roughly participate in the conversations that came up. Reading, however, is almost entirely lost on him. Even during Boys Planet, he had to ask people to help him translate the fan letters he received. 

“Haruto and Keita helped me read the letters I got that were in Japanese,” Matthew says. “I really want to be fluent in it so I can communicate with the fans better.”

“And to watch your anime,” Jiwoong adds, thinking of the figurines Matthew carried with him after they moved in. Imagine everyone’s surprise when he toddled in the dormitory, an expression clueless to the odd sight of him cradling a collection of action figures across his chest, a plushie-filled tote bag hanging on each arm.

“That too.” Matthew wears a slight pout, no doubt hearing the teasing in his voice. 

“I can help teach you.”

Matthew brightens. “Really?”

“Of course, if you have any questions about it, just come to me.” Jiwoong adds touch up on Japanese in his mental list of tasks to do. Preferably soon, with how eager Matthew looks, practically swinging his legs in excitement.

“Then, what does this say,” Matthew points to a sentence. ‘A’, ‘na’, and ‘ta’. It takes a while for Jiwoong to read it fully.

「あなたのことは決して忘れない」

Matthew waits, leaning forward in anticipation. Seeing an opportunity, Jiwoong also inches closer to him, meeting his eyes. Despite his attentiveness, Matthew always seems to struggle at keeping eye contact during situations like these, where he wasn’t the one to initiate it. Like now, with how his gaze starts to waver. He doesn’t look away because he doesn’t want to back down from a challenge. It’s easy to tease him this way.

With a palm across Matthew’s neck, a thumb resting on a reddening ear, Jiwoong softly whispers. “I will never forget you.”

He laughs and moves back as Matthew gently pounds a palm against his chest, giggling in embarrassment. He tries to hide it behind a fist, but Jiwoong can still see the entirety of his vibrant smile, the shy crimson ears peeking out of his beanie.

“Well, if you’re going to help me with Japanese, then I can help you with anything French.”

“Then how do you say it in French?”

Matthew starts opening his mouth, but he stops when two hands clamp on his cheeks, puckering his lips and effectively staunching his words. He turns around to look up at a fondly smiling Hanbin.

Taerae follows closely behind. “What is this? A private lesson?”

“For French. If you schedule one now, I might be able to save you a spot,” Matthew says. He lets out a pleased sound as Hanbin rubs at the space between his eyebrows, unconsciously closing his eyes and leaning back to give the other more access. Hanbin giggles at the response.

Taerae peeks at Jiwoong’s notebook. “Hyung, I know absolutely nothing about Japanese.”.

“Leave everything to me.”

“Oh?” He narrows his eyes. “How do you say ‘I’m smart’?”

“Give me a minute.” Taerae throws his head back to laugh as Jiwoong whips his phone out.

This stage was big. Bigger than any that Jiwoong has ever been on. Between sending hearts and waves out, Jiwoong had to stop himself from standing awkwardly, crossing his hands across his stomach, adjusting his sweaty grip on the mic. 

He tried to always keep moving and focusing in the performances,  brushing skin against the members on stage, exchanging grins and glances as they shared the unsaid sentiment of the unfamiliar life of idol-hood. Jiwoong thought that he had outgrown that itchiness, but something just seemed fundamentally different now than all those times before.

He’s in his hotel suite. He sips on a Japanese beer that he remembers drinking a lot a few years back. He looks outside to the bright city lights, the coming and going streams of cars, small like ants. Slowly, gradually, the restless buzz under his skin goes silent.

The sound of the bathroom door opening makes Jiwoong turn around to the sight of Hanbin, freshly showered, rubbing a towel against his wet hair. The other looks up and gives a soft “Oh” at what Jiwoong imagines is the strange image of him standing in a nearly dark room, silhouetted by the unnatural LED of the urban backdrop. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but my heart just skipped a little bit.” Hanbin wears a flustered smile as he clutches his chest in faux surprise. 

“Is it fine to drink in front of you, Leader-nim?”

“I’ll let it pass if you share.”

Hanbin makes his way beside Jiwoong, nursing a bottle of his own (Jiwoong brought a pack, it didn’t occur to him to buy just one) as he peers curiously outside. The ambient lighting ages him beyond his years, and with the bottle in his hands Jiwoong sees a future of toil and hardship for him. It’s inevitable for idols, but even more so for leaders responsible for the weight of everyone’s burdens. Hanbin is a good kid. A good man. It lifts some of the weight in Jiwoong’s heart, at the thought that there will be someone, including himself, who will be there to support him.

When the manager called Jiwoong and Hanbin for a private meeting, Jiwoong already had an inkling about what the topic was going to be. Before that, they never really had a chance to discuss it, considering that right after the group formed, they were plunged directly into preparations for their debut.

Jiwoong was quick to acquiesce to Hanbin as the leader. Really. Between being just a member and bearing all that responsibility, it wasn’t a hard decision for Jiwoong to make.

“Is it really alright with you?”

“I’ll support the team as the oldest. But, being the leader… I think you’d do a better job at it.”

Hanbin searches Jiwoong’s face. He looks unsure, even as Jiwoong moves to hug him, arms at first loosely holding Jiwoong’s back before wrapping tightly, encompassing and so desperately Hanbin.

Is it selfish, Jiwoong thinks. But there’s a certainty in him that knows this will be the better choice.

“I trust you. I’ll do my best.”

“How was today for you,” Hanbin asks.

“One moment we were getting on the stage, and the next thing I knew we were already wrapping things up. It’s good, though,” he adds. “You?”

“I was so nervous! My stomach kept on twisting, even when we finished performing, I thought that I was going down with something.”

“Everyone did a great job. Can you—,” a huff of a laugh that sounds a little bit too flat and sincere. “Imagine that it’s only going to get bigger from here?”

Hanbin shakes his head, just as incredulous. Just as anxious. “I can’t.”

Silence, save for the sound of distant cars, the sloshing of their drinks as they take alternating swigs. The comfort of company saps away any residual adrenaline Jiwoong has. Gradually, his thoughts empty of worries of the future, woes of the present and past, and finally he can feel the weight of sleep coming over him.

“So early,” Hanbin comments. After brushing his teeth, Jiwoong tucked himself to bed. He watches as Hanbin tidies up his laundry, getting ready to make his rounds to the other members' rooms. “I'll let them know not to bother you.” Hanbin shoots him a smile, one step out the door.

“Good night.”

—

Jiwoong nudges Yujin’s foot, who has his nose buried in his phone.

The moment Yujin got back from school, he started peeling off his uniform as he made his way to the bathroom. Jiwoong watched him wordlessly walk off, greeting him only with a jerk of his chin. 

“Hey, shouldn’t you be studying.”

“Yeah.” Yujin doesn’t bother looking up. Water from his hair drips onto the bed sheet, onto the collar of his shirt.

“Why study when you have the internet,” Ricky says from across the room.

“That’s right Hyung, this is how the new generation works.”

“You need to catch up with the times.”

Taken aback from the sudden attack, Jiwoong stays silent. Seriously, these kids…

He attacks the closest one. Yujin, who always seems to be the nearest during these moments, flails around as his torso is mercilessly tickled.

After a while, winded across Jiwoong’s chest, Yujin complains, “Gyuvin hyung and them are taking forever to get back.”

Honestly, Jiwoong doesn’t know what the others had planned for their days. He was out for most of the day, eating and just walking down familiar streets. Then he met with his brothers at a barbeque place, where they successfully demolished their food, at the same time occupied with the side activity of catching up with each other.

“You look happier,” Hyung tells him. He reaches to lightly poke Jiwoong’s cheek. “Your look way livelier since you got out of the program.”

Jiwoong groans. “Don’t remind me about that.”

His dongsaeng chimes, a gleam in his eyes, “You mean you don’t want to remember being chic, Ice Prince Woongie hyung?”

Bullies, the two of them.

He left the dorm early enough that most people were either sleeping in or in the middle of their morning routine, which involves either spending time in the gym or a few hours on their phones, stuck on the bed. When he came back, he thought the entire place was empty. Partly because he thought he was alone, and partly because he wanted some company after basically seeing none of the members the whole day, Jiwoong calls out a decently volumed “Is anyone here”. Loud enough to hear his voice bounce off the walls, He didn’t expect Ricky to pop his head out of one of the rooms, looking startled and confused.

“Where is he,” Jiwoong asks regarding Gyuvin.

Ricky pauses the drama on his phone to reply. “He’s out with Gunwook and Hao hyung for dinner.” He looks at the time. “They’re probably on the way right now.”

And he’s right. Barely half an hour passes and the thin walls easily announce the arrival of the trio. They barge in the room, each hand carrying some kind of food. Two of them, actually. Hao toddles at the back, looking like he just came home after a marathon.

“I have food for my babies,” Gyuvin announces. Yujin straightens up to snatch the two sticks of blueberry tanghulu.

“I’m not a baby,” Ricky says, accepting a strawberry one.

Hao slumps next to Jiwoong like a limp noodle. “I feel both younger and older, how is that even possible?”

“It’s called regressing to your base form,” Gunwook chimes. Hao sighs dramatically, lolling his head to Jiwoong’s shoulder, battery fully exhausted.

It gets a bit hot with six bodies cramped in a small room during spring. Minutes pass by. Jiwoong realizes that not everyone is back yet.

“Who else is missing?”

“Busy Bin is still out being busy,” Gunwook says.

Gyuvin raises his hand. “Taerae hyung and Matthew hyung are on a date.”

Ricky “Ooh”s beside Gunwook. Jiwoong can’t tell if it’s from the information or at some scene from the drama he’s watching.

Matthew and Taerae have been making efforts to get to know each other more. The two are great conversationalists, so everyone was unsurprised when the two quickly hit it off, despite choosing each other for ‘The Member They Are Most Awkward With’. They banter as if they have been long-term friends simply catching up with each other after some time apart.

“I’m going to shower now~,” Having replenished enough energy, Hao rolls off the bed and toddles out. Gunwook quickly follows after him.

(In the hallway: 

“Park Gunwook!”

“I’ll be done real quick Hyung, promise!”)

“Sleeping anytime soon Hyung,” Gyuvin asks, head resting on a sleeping Yujin. Even the sugar isn’t enough to keep the poor kid awake.

“No, I’ll probably just watch TV for a bit.”

Hanbin came back earlier, tiredly smiling as he recounted his day of going over the group schedules, looking at possibilities for his own solo activities, and even visiting friends after everything. He announced, with an emphasis toward Gyuvin, that no one disturbed him as he promptly passed out for the night.

Jiwoong keeps the volume of the TV low, half-heartedly listening to some traveling variety show while he scrolled through this phone. It’s a bit after ten that the door finally opens.

Matthew is the first to enter and greet him, carrying a bowl of what looks like hwachae in one hand, a shopping bag in another.

“Hyung!” He says it like a greeting.

“It’s good to see you at least once today,” Taerae says by the fridge, putting in what he assumes to be leftovers from where they ate. Instead of going straight to their rooms, they take time to chat. Matthew plops beside Jiwoong while Taerae helps himself to the adjacent armchair.

They talk for a bit. Jiwoong listens to how they spent time walking along Hangang, buying snacks until they were full. Surprisingly, they came across a few of Taerae’s classmates, one of them being a huge fan of Jiwoong.

“When I asked her why,” Matthew erupts into giggles. “It’s because she watched all your dramas.”

Jiwoong’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really? Do you think I’d recognize her?”

“Don’t even bother, she’s majorly closeted,” Taerae says, “When she asked for your autograph, I told her I’m too professional to do that. But I did tell her to go to our fansign if she’s so desperate.”

“Taerae is such a meanie.”

“You. Are you so easy that people can get your signature just like that?”

“Hey, since she’s your friend I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

“ One of my friends. Did I mention that I have a lot of friends? It doesn’t mean I trust all of them.”

“Then get better friends!”

“Matthew, you’re going to get scammed one day.”

It looks like the two had a great day together. 

“Have you brushed your teeth yet,” Matthew asks. The spoon he readies stops in midair, a ball of watermelon soaked in white milk bobbing under Jiwoong’s nose.

Yes.

“No”. Jiwoong opens his mouth to accept a mouthful of fruit and milk. He makes an appreciative noise at the burst of sweetness. It effectively chases away the sleepiness he was feeling.

“One more,” Matthew asks. As Jiwoong leans in, he muses on how he feels like a baby bird being fed by its mother.

“Well,” Taerae gets up, shooting both of them a smile. “I’ll retire for the night. Good night you two.”

Before he leaves, Jiwoong chimes, “We should hang out next time.”

Taerae beams. “Just say the word Hyung, and we can schedule it.”

Matthew is finishing up the last of his hwachae. Jiwoong attention flits between whatever is playing on the TV, whatever is popping up on his phone, and however much is left of the hwachae that Matthew is slowly eating. The other has his eyes glued to the big screen, but Jiwoong can tell from that listless gaze that he’s barely catching onto the volley of dialogue between the two comedians. The hwachae is quickly devoured.

Matthew turns to him. “Are you staying out here?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, well, I’ll wash up now. I’ll probably go to sleep right after,” he gets up to toss away his trash. He stands in front, silhouette by the light from the TV.

“Just in case you’re staying up too late, good night—?” Jiwoong reaches to hold Matthew’s hand. The leftover cold lingers from the water he used to rinse with. Oddly enough, Jiwoong doesn’t want to let go. Matthew pauses mid-step and looks down curiously at him.

“Can you stay out here for a bit?”

Matthew looks taken aback at the request. “Why?”

Jiwoong shrugs. “No reason.”

Matthew looks unconvinced, expression going from mild confusion to suspicion. A narrow of his eyes and a pouting frown of lips stained pink from watermelon. Jiwoong pulls him close so that he stands right in front of him. Jiwoong looks up with a matching pout of his own.

“What the heck?”

“What if I just want to hang out and talk?”

“But it’s pretty late already Hyung, and you know I like to sleep early.”

“Come on, it’s lonely being by myself.”

A befuddled laugh at the sudden whine. “Ah Hyung, why are you acting like this,” he shakes his head, but from his flustered smile Jiwoong knows that he’s got him. He sighs softly, poking Jiwoong’s cheek. “Since you’re being so cute, I guess I have no choice.”

He comes back later, wearing a white shirt that drapes loosely on his lithe figure, shorts that cool his skin off from a hot shower. There’s a space beside Jiwoong that he plops down on, crossing his legs up, knocking their knees together.

Matthew turns to him expectantly. “So?”

Jiwoong tilts his head. “So.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Nothing.”

Matthew scoffs. “Really…” He follows with something in English (“ Why is it so awkward right now ”) and, quite suddenly, swings his legs across Jiwoong’s lap. He leans back against the couch arm, full attention to Jiwoong despite the faint, but visible droop of his eyelids. It’s charming how much Matthew refuses to let Jiwoong tease him so easily.

A smile a bit smug, a bit indulgent. “How was Hyung’s day?”

They share light conversation, words flowing like lazy molasses, lingering like cotton about the warm light of the living room lamp. At some point during their talk, Jiwoong starts massaging the muscles of Matthew’s calves. Matthew, lulled by the white noise of the television program, the languid trickle of time, slides down until his head practically rests on the cushion. He angles his head just so he can keep eye contact, although Jiwoong doubts he's all there. Inevitably, he falls asleep.

“—Matthew?”

 Jiwoong knows the moment he loses him. He catches when Matthew’s eyes cloud over in thick sleep, the rhythm of his chest gradually steadying, his lips loosening to gentle breaths.

The skin of his ankles are soft and pale. Jiwoong pulls lightly so that Matthew’s head lays fully flat, easing the strain on his neck. He stays asleep. There’s a dot of a scar on one knee, almost like a dimple, that’s gone pale with age. He wonders where it came from, when he recognizes all the rest of the bruises on the other’s legs. He’s been there when the mishaps happened from either dance practices or general clumsiness.

Really. A smiling Matthew is dangerous enough, but a sleeping one is an even more precious sight. It’s heartbreaking how innocent he looks. With how Jiwoong is positioned, hand resting on the back of the couch in a way that lets his sleepy gaze rest on him… He feels too soft right now. It’s hard not to when something like this is right in front of him.

“What am I going to do with you…” His heartbeat feels too tender for how loudly it’s beating.

He doesn’t catch the floors creaking. What he does hear, startling him awake, is the exclamation:

“My goodness.”

Standing like a stunned deer on the hallway, Gyuvin has a hand clutched across his chest, eyes nearly bulging out their sockets.

“I thought someone just forgot to turn the TV off. I’m just, uh, getting water.”

He lingers there. Jiwoong raises a brow.

Jiwoong watches his every movement, from walking to the fridge, opening the fridge, grabbing a water bottle, taking a sip from the water bottle, to standing hesitantly at the foot of the couch.

Gyuvin peers down curiously at Matthew. “He's so stinking cute when he's sleeping.”

“He is.”

“Do you want to see something?” He raises a pointer finger. “Look here.” First, it prods one of Matthew’s cheeks. Just as Jiwoong expects it to be just that, Gyuvin's hand circles to press the cheeks together, puckering unassuming lips. Jiwoong snorts.

“Mashushak sleeps like the dead, ‘just thought you'd like to know.”

“We should take a picture.”

Gyuvin looks affronted. “Hyung, who do you think I am? Of course I already took a picture.”

He leaves eventually (“Good luck trying to get out of there”).  Jiwoong doesn’t want to wake Matthew up, neither can he just leave him in the living room by himself, since Jiwoong is the reason he ended up here.

Jiwoong shifts so that his legs are stretched out, leaning back to a relatively more comfortable position.

At least until Matthew wakes up, he thinks.

—

“We should go back here in the future,” Matthew says. The slightly opened trailer window welcomes gentle streams of ocean wind. “Sunshine representative Matthew” started off as a promotional superlative that the company handed out. Now, with the way his blonde hair dances across his skin, a soft, longing smile across his face, maybe they were onto something. Jiwoong wants to reach out and touch him.

Matthew looks out at the moving scenery outside. He’s unbothered as Jiwoong tucks his hair behind an ear, fixing his bangs despite the persistent wind.

Jiwoong wonders how long it would be until he smells seabreeze again. Jejodo’s air is saltier than he remembers, but it really has been a while since he last visited. Camp Zerobaseone is a nice opportunity to do it before their schedules leave them little room to breathe. 

“Hyung, can you scoot back a bit?”

Jiwoong just realizes their closeness. They’re basically leaning on each other in the booth, with Matthew having slung an arm across the back from the lack of room. Jiwoong starts moving, setting the bag beside him on the floor.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Right there,” Matthew stops him when he’s just as he reaches the opposite corner. Then he lays down on Jiwoong’s lap. He looks up at him, eyes shining in content crescents.

Hao peeks at them from the passenger seat. “You guys look so sweet~”

“Matthew, you won’t have time to sleep,” Taerae scolds.

“I’m not sleeping!” Matthew whines, but Jiwoong can recognize the familiar droop of those eyes. He helps himself to petting his head, knowing and feeling a gratifying warmth as Matthew’s breath evens out.

“I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

Matthew pouts at him tiredly. “I’m not sleeping…”

—

Later in the night, with little control on the wants of his body, Jiwoong is faintly aware of sliding down the back of the couch until his head drops onto something soft.

The rise and fall of this pillow is terribly comfortable. And warm. He embraces it, nuzzling deeper.

“Ah, sorry for waking you up.”

Jiwoong groans. He feels hands on him, repositioning him to where he doesn’t know, but he feels the immediate sigh of his back when he fully lies down. A couple of moments later, there's a blanket being properly laid over him. It's warm, carrying a whisper of some sweet smell that Jiwoong fleetingly recognizes from his room.

A hand gently courses through his hair. “I'm going to the gym now. Sleep tight, Hyung.”

Curious, Jiwoong peeks through puffy eyes. What a pretty smile, he thinks, and quickly goes back to sleep.

Chapter Text

Is it a new start, or the end?
The parallel line that separated you and me, falling slowly
Now everything starts anew

—"Back to ZEROBASE", ZEROBASEONE

---

“Oh!”

Jiwoong looks up, the book he’s reading momentarily forgotten. Matthew stands at the doorway. He sniffs the air with a worrying wrinkle between his brows.

“Why does it smell nice in here.” Bewilderment, Jiwoong realizes, colors the other’s features. He welcomes the flattery, preening at the interest.  

“Does it usually smell bad?”

Matthew shakes his head. He wanders around, nose pointed up, taking whiffs like a searching dog. He stops to point his wide eyes at Jiwoong. 

Jiwoong and Hao have similar enough tastes in their fragrances that, based on his experience, Hao hasn’t brought up any complaints whenever Jiwoong sprays his perfumes in their room. They take turns in no particular order, between Jiwoong’s collection and Hao’s oil diffuser. This perfume he used has a profile of vanilla and oak. Not too outstanding, but just enough to catch his attention when he was browsing in a perfume store he passed by during one of his outings.

“Hyung, seriously, why does it smell so good?”

Jiwoong leans against his desk, feeling a corner of his lips start to curl. “Do you like it that much?”

“Yeah, it’s totally my style.”

Although it’s not the first time Matthew had smelled any of Jiwoong’s perfumes, this is one of the few instances where he responds so positively. He recalls a time during Boys Planet when Matthew won one of his bottles from a bet. Honestly, Jiwoong had given it willingly so Matthew had options other than the heavy one he wore, too strong for someone so baby-faced. With how often Matthew still used it, Jiwoong assumed his tastes leant towards masculine, woodsy scents. So, it was a pleasant surprise when Jiwoong entered Matthew’s room one day to what smelt like someone had just threw a pineapple smoothie on the ceiling. Sweet, slight, and very, very cute.

Gyuvin described it as “what you’d expect a cutie like Matthew hyung would wear.”

Matthew droops in disappointment when Jiwoong tells him that he doesn't remember the name of the store he brought it from. But he immediately perks when Jiwoong tells him that, when they have the time in the future, they can go out together to the same street where he bought it. Always eager to explore, this one.

Once Matthew makes himself comfortable sitting on Jiwoong’s bed, Jiwoong finally finds the window to ask, “By the way, did you come in here for something?” He eyes the small box between his crossed legs.

“This? I’m going to give to Hao hyung. Where is he?”

“He’s out with Hanbin.”

“Oh, do you know when they’ll be back?”

With the sun still out, not anytime soon. Jiwoong echoes a version of Hao’s words he was left with:

“Don’t expect me for the rest of the day. Me and Hanbin-ie have a whole schedule planned out.”

Matthew sagely nods. “ Oh . They’re out out.”

Jiwoong hums. He motions to the box. “What’s that?”

“This?” It’s some… red panda? “Hao hyung said it was cute so I ordered it for him.” There’s an expectant glint in his eyes, as if he’s holding himself off from saying more.

It’s hard not to dote on him when he can’t hide his excited. “Where’s it from?”

Matthew starts talking animatedly about some movie set in Canada (“We should watch it with everyone next time Hyung!”). Between describing scenes and characters are mentions of his home, his friends, family, and how it was like growing up there. Jiwoong questions him about these more rather than the movie itself, but Matthew seems oblivious as the conversation gradually shifts away to just about him.

“I was in cadet camp and that was cool. Do you know what that is Hyung?”

“Can you describe it?”

“It’s like, uh, pre-military . Something like that. We had to wake up early, exercise a lot and do drills . A little bit of tests. But it was pretty fun though—”

Jiwoong doesn’t stop him when he switches to English for more than a few words. He tries his best to catch onto the context clues just so he can follow the enthusiastic, albeit jumbled rambling. Like a sparrow chirping away. Jiwoong listens along.

This is a new expression of his that he hasn’t seen before, Jiwoong thinks. Of longing. Matthew looks up at him, the both of them on Jiwoong’s bed, hair splayed out on the blue sheet, a smile clouding his face.

“Thanks for letting me talk about stuff like this Hyung. If you want me to shut up, just let me know.”

Jiwoong looks down at him. He moves to lay his head down on Matthew’s stomach, which elicits a tiny “Oomf“ from the other. Jiwoong’s eyes flutter once fingers comb through his hair. “You can talk to Hyung about anything.”

“Hyung is so cool.”

“You’re cooler~”

Matthew giggles. “That’s right~”

—

It’s not that he seeks it out. But they come to him suddenly, these thoughts growing from straying eyes and brushing skin, a fondness that proliferates in his chest like vines. Unassuming and infectious. He doesn’t think much about how much he wants this attention. He thought it was natural to want to lean towards the sun. Isn’t it? To want more?

Kim Jiwoong. Idiot.

“Hyung, you’re staring too hard.”

He can’t help it. Really. He can’t.

—

Most night either after a whole day of schedules or a simple outing, it’s hard to discern Hao from the walls with how reserved he is. This isn’t like most nights. He walks through the door humming under his breath, a small smile lighting his face.

Jiwoong looks up from his phone. “Did you have fun today?”

Hao sighs. “When do I never have fun with Hanbin. It makes me sick.” They share a laugh. Although he looks spent, there’s a looseness in his shoulders as he moves about, a faraway dreaminess in his eyes. He’ll be thinking about today for the rest of the week, it looks like. Knowing Hanbin, he’s probably also  gushing to Gyuvin and Taerae in their room.

“Look at this,” Hao shows off a delicate silver necklace. He holds it like it’s his whole world.

Jiwoong is half-aware of him flitting about, putting the stuff he bought today away to get ready to wash up. In the middle of rummaging through his desk, Hao makes a noise in surprise and raises the figurine box.

“Oh! Is this from Matthew?”

“Yeah, he stopped by.”

Hao takes out the red panda and admires it, being particularly fascinated by its smooth plastic stomach. “He’s so sweet to remember. Did you know that it’s been a month ago since I mentioned wanting this? I think it was a month ago…” He pauses in thought. He further inspects the figurine.

“I should get him something back.” Jiwoong doesn’t realize it until he glances up to see Hao staring at him, waiting for a reply. Jiwoong raises a brow. “Does Matthew have anything he’s been wanting?”

“I don't think so?”

Hao scans his face with a disbelieving frown. “Really? Not even anything for his birthday?”

Matthew barely talks about his birthday. If anything, the members mention it more than he does. There’s hardly been any revelations as to what he would want to receive, other than “Anything you’d give me would make me happy” or “Anything related to anime? Oh! I also like jewelry”. Jiwoong is just waiting for the idea for the present to naturally come to him. Which it hasn’t. It won’t do to just… give him a pack of Pokemon cards…

Hao sighs when Jiwoong takes too long to answer. He places a hand to open the door, but not before giving a pointed look toward Jiwoong. 

“Hyung.” He shakes his head, disappointed. “It’s okay if you want to keep things to yourself.”

Jiwoong has no idea where the sudden accusation comes from. “I really don’t know anything! Seriously, I don’t even know what to give him for his birthday.”

Hao throws his hands up. “That’s even worse!”

When everyone is getting ready for bedtime, Matthew enters his shared bedroom with a pleased grin on his face, eyes brightening in recognition.

“It’s this one!”

Gunwook walks closely behind him. More than closely, with both arms wrapped around Matthew’s shoulders, his chin unbothered as it rests on a nest of wet hair. He wrinkles his nose.

“Woah.”

Matthew’s head cranes back in an effort to look at him, surprised. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s okay, but like, after a while it gets a bit much for me.” A thoughtful silence. Jiwoong glances down and immediately meets Gunwook’s pointed look. “Jiwoong hyung, are you taking my spot?”

Jiwoong, who had been lounging on the top bunk, leans against the railing. Gunwook has his eyes narrowed in suspicion. “I think it’s a pretty inclusive scent. Right Yujin-ah?”

Yujin looks up from his phone. “It’s alright,” is his bland response.

Gunwook gawks. “His nose is still underdeveloped so his opinion doesn’t count!”

Matthew laughs at Gunwook’s indignation, turning around to hug him. Even the pats of a giggly Matthew does little to console the pout out of his face.

“Yah, am I really getting evicted just like that…”

“Aw, Gunwook-ah don’t be sad.”

“Jiwoong hyung, I’m going to ask Hao hyung to toss your clothes in the hallway, just you wait.” 

“Hyung, is this what I think it is?”

From what Jiwoong knows, Matthew sometimes has a habit of pressing his cheek with the back of his hand, almost like a grooming otter. He doesn’t really know the reason why, although if it was him, he also would have found comfort with feeling up his cheek like a warm slimeball. Matthew hasn’t done it much lately, especially with the light scolding he gets whenever the makeup artists catch him doing it.

He must like it, Jiwoong thinks, with how eager he is to test the scent out. A mix of sweet and woodsy, leaning towards the former. They haven't had a chance to go out to visit the perfume store, with all the practice, prior commitments and meet-ups, and how quickly tired everyone has been the moment they come back to the dorm. So to make up for it, Jiwoong tried to find something similar to the one he remembered Matthew liked so much.

Matthew undeniably likes sweet scents, despite being adamant on his choices of cedar and sandalwood. Although the thought of him walking around smelling like a cupcake is pretty amusing, Jiwoong doubts it would be something he would actually wear going out, especially as Matthew’s own perfume collection only continues to grow, having acquired a taste for the hobby.

“This is really… If I wear this and meet Zeroses they’ll think of me as an oppa—”

“More than an oppa.” This schtick, seriously. A hint of magnolia, bright as Matthew peers at him through smiling eyes. “I was aiming for a more comfortable mood like…”

“A boyfriend,” Gunwook chimes. Much like Jiwoong, he looks like he already knows the response he’s going to get.

“Then.” Matthew shoots Jiwoong a mischievous grin. “Oppa?”

“... Okay, whatever you like.”

Jiwoong stops the urge to roll his eyes. It helps that Matthew laughs at his own silliness.

—

Jiwoong takes a picture. From this far away, he isn’t able to catch it until Hanbin starts to fret, rubbing away delicately at the tears flowing down from Matthew’s wrinkled eyes. This is the second time Jiwoong has seen Matthew cry with a smile on his face. It’s just as devastating.

Jiwoong catches the moment when he swallows them back. Frosting covers salted tracks, surprise gives way to languid affection as he moves to hug each of the members, back a bit stiff until he rests his chin over each of their shoulders, saying his Thank You’s as closely, intimately as he can.

“Anywhere you want to go,” Hanbin asks him while Yujin wipes off the sugar and makeup on his face. Jiwoong takes a picture of Matthew opening wide as Gyuvin feeds him a piece of cake.

Matthew hums in thought. Tomorrow is still packed with more photoshoots and filming. The most they can do is go out for dinner, and even then it can’t be too far since they have to wake up early. They’ll make it up, though, Jiwoong is certain. Maybe a more extravagant place to eat out, with some games afterwards, like an arcade or indoor baseball...

“I’m okay with ordering food back at the dorm.” It doesn’t take long for Matthew to deliberate his options. He never wants for a lot, although with the way he smiles around at them so sweetly, it surely doesn’t take much effort for others to give him anything. Everything.

“Anything you want to eat?”

Matthew’s expression turns sly and expectant. “What does Hanbin-ie hyung think?”

“Of course our Maetyu wants to eat chicken~” Dimples appear like whiskers from Hanbin’s fond smile that parallels Matthew’s own. Jiwoong takes a picture of their closeness. When he shows it to them, they’re like siblings as they point at the other, saccharine dotes and praises. Adoration and innocence, both radiant and inviting.

“Hyung, you’re staring too hard.”

Jiwoong turns to look beside him. Ricky stares at him enigmatically, as if trying to figure out a puzzle.

“Hm?”

Jiwoong waits for a reply that never comes. He watches as RIcky’s eyebrows raise in some sort of revelation. To what, he doesn’t know. For a moment, Jiwoong wants to chuckle at the rarity of seeing surprise from someone usually so consciously poise.

“Hey! Let’s all take a picture together,” Gyuvin calls. He’s part of an arms-bound sandwich with Hanbin, a complacent Matthew squeezed between them. Their manager takes the camera from Jiwoong’s hands, and before he knows it he’s being pushed by Ricky to get ready for the photo.

—

“Did you sleep well?”

Gunwook blearily peers through his glasses, face still swollen from sleep. “Yeah. like a baby. How about Hyung?”

“Like a baby,” Jiwoong repeats. He leans against Gunwook once the other plopped down on the living room couch beside him. Gunwook tips his head back and quickly goes back to sleep while Jiwoong continues scrolling through his phone, contemplating what food to order. With only just the two of them awake, the morning is lethargic and quiet.

Dance practice at noon. Photoshoot after that, maybe another dance practice depending on what Hanbin decides, although it’s likely to happen with how close their debut is.

Jiwoong’s process of choosing food goes like this: Rolled eggs, rice, banchan. Bossam (meat), galbi (meat), dakbal (meat). A shuffle between jjajangmyeon and naengmyeon, although he ends up adding both in his cart. He adds a final order of galbitang that he kept on scrolling back to. He found it better to over than under order, thinking ahead, of course, when people get hungry late at night and start looking for leftovers.

He’s oddly generous today. He doesn’t know what the occasion is.

“I’m hungry,” Gunwook says, head resting on Jiwoong’s shoulder. A quick glance shows that his eyes are still closed, glasses pushed up against his forehead.

Jiwoong takes his time going over the items in his cart. More additions, just in case , before he finally places the orders. 

“Good morning~”

Gyuvin lumbers out the hallway. The hood of his jacket swallows his small face. His chin, being one of the only visible parts of him, rests comfortably on his hostage. Being effectively trapped between spindly arms and stilt legs, Matthew shuffles the both of them slowly, awkwardly to the empty spot beside Gunwook.

“Gunoogo!”

“Kim Gyubinie!”

The greetings ding loudly, abruptly, before giving way to the steady breaths of sleep.

They should request for another chair, Jiwoong thinks, as Gyuvin’s splayed legs take up most of the vacant space on the too-small couch. Matthew squeezes himself between Gunwook and Gyuvin, sitting economically as he leans against the crook between Gunwook’s chest and shoulder while throwing a leg over Gyuvin’s thigh.

Jiwoong reaches over, not bothering to look as he flicks a finger under Matthew’s chin. He smiles at hearing the giggly protest. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah.” Matthew snuggles deeper against Gunwook’s side, who slings an arm over his shoulder, pulling him even closer. “Food?”

“Just ordered.”

Matthew hums. He scrolls on his phone, his feet tapping to some music playing in his head. If Jiwoong listens carefully, he can catch Matthew humming a song that he doesn’t quite recognize.

It goes on like that, Matthew’s gentle singing, Jiwoong resting his eyes as he seeks it out beneath the hum of the AC.

More people trickle in over time. When the food finally comes, everyone gathers in the living room area. A few things of note: Yujin accidentally swinging the edge of a table to Hanbin's shin while they were setting up (“If you feel so sorry then give Hyung a smooch!”); Ricky and Gyuvin arguing over what to put on the television; Matthew wrinkling his nose when he tastes the cheese in the rolled eggs.

“Can you really not eat cheese,” Hao asks incredulously as Matthew takes big gulps of water. 

“I just don't like it,” he replies. Jiwoong, sitting beside him, reaches over to wipe a stray droplet of water from the corner of his mouth, feeling that swirling weight of guilt in his gut. He thought that Matthew only disliked cream cheese, honestly.

Matthew catches the expression on Jiwoong's face, smiling reassuringly at the sight of it and softly patting his thigh. “It's no big deal Hyung.”

Jiwoong knows it’s no big deal. Obviously. Beside him, Gyuvin shakes his head in admonishment, clicking his tongue underneath food he was still chewing.

Quietly enough for only Jiwoong to hear. “Ah, Hyung is so inconsiderate.” Jiwoong pounces on him immediately.

“So if I accidentally give you bungeo-ppang with cream cheese, how mad would you be?”

Matthew points a playful glare at Yujin, the one where he tilts his chin down and squints his eyes like a kid about to make trouble. “ Very mad.”

Hanbin calls out beside the fridge. “Machu, can I bring out some of your Shine Muscat?”

“Of course!”

He must still be losing his mind if he doesn’t already realize the Shine Muscat pressing against his lips. Especially when Matthew has been looking at him expectantly, using the fruit to knock on Jiwoong’s lips. When Jiwoong finally moves to open his mouth, Matthew quickly retracts it with a playful smirk on his face.

“Too late! Now Hyung has to do aegyo.”

—

There’s a strip of Yangyang’s beach that’s reserved just for them for both days that they do the DICON photoshoot, which is too generous, considering that only one of them will be done outside. 

The weather is already cold from the ocean winds. Jiwoong looks out the restaurant window at the seaside horizon burning bright from the sunset. It’s gorgeous, made absolutely perfect with the maeuntang he’s eating.

Across the table from him, Ricky sits down and sips on some pink fruit smoothie.

Jiwoong pauses mid-sip. “Is that all you’re eating?”

“I don’t want my face to be swollen tomorrow.”

Gyuvin snorts. “He says that, but he'll probably order room service later.” In retaliation, Ricky snatches a french fry from his plate.

Everyone became excited when the manager told them that they were going to the beach for their photoshoot. They left before dawn and arrived at the town just in time to see the sunrise, albeit through the windows of their vans.

It’s nice to be at a beach again right before the cold seasons start. Ricky in particular has been lively, being the first to set up by the beachside when they arrived. None of them were allowed to swim, but Ricky was content enough to sit on the sand, under the shadows of an umbrella and the cushion of a thin beach blanket.

“I didn’t know a place like this is close to Seoul,” Ricky says. He watches the waves tumble over each other. In the distance, small figures of people dance on the rocky ocean with their surfboards. The sun is low enough in the later afternoon that, after a generous layer of sunscreen, Jiwoong can just bathe directly in the heat. Luckily, it’s not so hot with the cool breeze.

“We can go here next time,” Jiwoong suggests.

Ricky shakes his head. “No, I prefer going back to Jeju. Jeju is prettier.”

“Then let's go to Jeju next time.”

“This time, I’ll have my plane ticket ready on my phone.” The joke, had it been anyone else, would have come across as sarcastic and bitter. Ricky says it with an earnestness that, had it been anyone else but Jiwoong and the members, bordered on naivete and arrogance. 

To be able to talk and laugh about it is a skill that Jiwoong admires. Before— before before, when people barely knew each other, he thought Ricky ran colder than most people. A tougher heart that didn’t allow itself to be vulnerable. Then they became a group, and Jiwoong learned more about them all. Knew that Ricky is reserved, playful, ponderous. A whole spectrum that was so vastly different from the image Jiwoong had of him before. Ricky doesn't let himself be burdened by heavy thoughts because he's quick to overcome them. A romantic and an optimist. Most of these guys are.

“Matthew-yah!”

They whip their heads up. Beside the receding waves stands a shell-shocked Matthew, his pants properly wet. A couple meters away, their manager jogs straight towards him, followed by their sternly frowning photoshoot director. From the opposite side of the beach, Hanbin is already making his way, looking ready to assess and diffuse whatever trouble is arising. It’s obvious to connect what just happened.

“Jiwoong hyung needs to scold him,” Ricky says.

Jiwoong leans back, shoulders tense as he keeps his eyes on Matthew, watching how his ears turn redder the more their manager talks. “That’s Hanbin-ie’s job.” Although it doesn’t stop the urge to go over there.

“Oh, that’s right. Well, then you should comfort him after.”

“It’s okay. I think… it should be fine.” 

Their manager, who seems to have been appointed to the task of scolding Matthew, always had a soft hand towards him. Even when he’s clearly still reeling from being admonished, Matthew wears a charmingly chagrined smile that already has its effects. Their manager leaves after ruffling Matthew’s hair. In the end, Hanbin is the one dragging Matthew for a change of clothes. The former isn’t any better at scolding, with the two exchanging giggles as they walk back to the hotel.

Ricky sighs. “Matthew hyung keeps on getting spoiled.” 

“Oh? So you want us to spoil you more?” At that, Ricky rolls his eyes towards Jiwoong in mild worry.

Gyuvin and RIcky tussle in front of Jiwoong’s soup. Used to their antics, the staff around them give them no attention, even when Gyuvin starts to tickle Ricky’s torso. The unflattering chortle he gets makes him double down on his attack.

—

While Jiwoong takes pride in the shape of his body, he didn’t enjoy the process it took to get it there. Compounded with all the stress back then… sometimes a good meal is all he needs to make his whole week better.

He realized it one day, after what seemed like a lifetime of restricted dieting and rigorous exercising, that some sort of metabolic switch must have been flipped. In a moment of weakness and rebellion after an argument with his manager, he secretly ordered dakbal late at night, uncaring about his face swelling for tomorrow’s photoshoot. He almost believed the whole thing was a dream once looked in the mirror and, to his bafflement, saw that he looked absolutely fine.

It’s not that Jiwoong always helps himself to late night meals, although he does indulge every now and then, nor does he skimp on working out. But there are periods when he becomes complacent after eating too many times, tempting whatever karma is out there ready to strike him at any moment and take his fortunes back. 

Working out with Matthew is nice. When they first saw the gym, Jiwoong thought they were in some kind of casino or arcade with how violently colorful the lights were. It took a while for him to shake off the tension, considering that it’s been a couple months since the last time he’s gone to a gym, especially a gym in America . But Matthew makes the transition laughably easy. His smiles burst between focused faces whenever Jiwoong jokes around. He doesn’t understand how the people around can just ignore them when they’re being this chatty. Jiwoong can barely look away.

Plus, the novelty of seeing Jiwoong work out elicits a lot of praises from Matthew, about his looks, his muscles, among other things. It’s not good for his ego, Jiwoong thinks. But it sure is a pretty good motivator to exercise more often.

There’s a pep in Matthew’s step. “Ah, what a good way to start the day.”

“You’re not tired?”

He hums. “Not yet. I think my jetlag is probably going to hit later though.”

Jiwoong didn’t want to get up this morning. Honestly, he’s still pretty drowsy despite the post-workout high, but with how hungry he is he doesn’t think he’ll be getting back to bed anytime soon.

Matthew is on a similar page. “Breakfast? It should be buffet-style, so we can probably eat a bit before everyone wakes up.”

“I was thinking the exact same thing,” Jiwoong looks at the excitement in the other’s eyes. “Excited to eat pancakes?”

“ You have no idea .” Matthew sighs. “I know I should start dieting, but the protein pancakes just aren’t as good as regular pancakes.” He whines out, “Pancakes in Korea are too sweet!”

“I thought you like sweet things?”

“Not pancakes though, you don’t mess with pancakes.”

Matthew slices him the first piece of his pancake, lightly coated in “Not Canadian maple syrup but good enough” with a piece of banana and strawberry on it. Sugar coats Jiwoong’s tongue. Definitely not the best thing to have first thing in the morning.

Matthew’s brows wrinkles when he tries it himself. “Sweet. Good thing I only poured a little bit.” Jiwoong doesn’t say anything when he plops his sunny-side-up egg on it. “How is Hyung’s omelette ?” The last part he says in English. Or is it French?

“Good, here.” Jiwoong readies a generous slice, making sure to include all of the fillings. Matthew gives it an inquisitive look.

“Does it have cheese?”

“No cheese.” Matthew is quick to open his mouth like a baby bird.

He brightens. “Mushrooms!”

They’re in the middle of eating when more people join them.

“Mashushak I can’t believe you went to the gym without me.” Gyuvin says this with barely any heat. His head is tucked inside a generous hoody, clearly having just woken up.

“Good morning you guys. What do they have for breakfast?” With an arm slung around Gyuvin’s shoulder, Hanbin slumps with the squinted eyes of someone who has barely slept. He wears an indulgent smile as Gyuvin leans his weight against him.

Matthew is the first to answer, being the only one with the most energy this morning. “Pancakes!” He’s already feeding some to Gyuvin. The other makes an appreciative noise. Jiwoong can already see the gears of wakefulness turning from the dose of sugar. 

Matthew notices it too. “Cute.”

Jiwoong reaches over to wipe syrup from the side of Matthew’s mouth.

“Ah, thank you Hyung.”

Jiwoong hums, smiling as a tongue subconsciously peeks out.

“Well,” Hanbin starts. “We’ll get food now. Move to a bigger table so we can sit together!” He toddles off with a limp Gyuvin in tow.

(As they make their way to the buffet line:

“Why am I always at the crime scene.”

Gyuvin yelps as Hanbin jabs him on his side.)

Chapter Text

Tell me, is it real? Real
When the curtain rises
I can't stop, stay close

—"Back to ZEROBASE", ZEROBASEONE

---

It starts with Taerae walking out his room, probably taking a break from whatever game he’s playing, headphones slung around his neck as he hums to some song. Jiwoong doesn’t expect anything when the other grabs a soda from the fridge, and effectively jolts when Taerae abruptly talks to him.

“Hyung. Let’s go out.”

“Suddenly?” Jiwoong had just finished his dinner of naengmyeon with a piece of fried chicken that someone had ordered to share. He had a strong inkling that it was Ricky. It has his fingerprints all over it, from the nearly-full box left open on the kitchen table, to a simple note of “Please eat” beside an used, unwashed plate. Despite his grumbling, Jiwoong uses that same plate to heat up his food.

Taerae rummages in the box for a small piece and pops it in his mouth. “It’s been a while since we’ve gone out. So let’s go out. Just you and me.”

Having no reason to oppose, Jiwoong easily acquiesces. They leave around noon the following day and go to a nearby restaurant that Taerae discloses is a well-kept secret among the WakeOne trainees. It’s away from the busier streets, sequestered between small shops and narrow walkways. Taerae easily greets and converses with the elderly owners, who in turn return the same hospitality to Jiwoong. They don’t seem to care about idolhood, although they do spend an extensive amount of time asking about where he’s from, where his parents are from, how he knew Taerae, and all the things elderly people seem to always be curious about. 

Save for the two of them and the owners, the restaurant is entirely empty. It should be unsurprising since it’s in the middle of the day on a weekday, but in the middle of a city, Jiwoong expected at least a couple occupants, maybe some local office worker looking for some peace and quiet. Jiwoong likes it though. This silence. He takes off his face mask and frees his hair from his cap. 

Taerae looks at him in mild disbelief. “You’re sweating already?”

Jiwoong brings up the collar of his shirt to wipe his forehead. He eyes the hoodie Taerae wears, to the yellow beanie beaming like a spotlight on his head. “How aren’t you hot?”

“I think you just sweat a lot.”

“I can’t help it.”

“You know, they say that spicy food helps combat the heat, so I’ll place an order of jeyuk bokkeum.” Taerae doesn’t bother glancing at the menu, instead looking over Jiwoong’s and detailing to him about how the food items are. It seems like he’s eaten everything here.

Jiwoong leans back on his chair and immediately regrets it when his shirt presses against his sweaty back. The fan is right above them, but why is it still so hot in here? “I’ll leave the ordering to you. Just let Hyung pay.”

Taerae laughs. “It’s dangerous to say things like that. No, since I dragged you out here I’ll be the one paying.”

The last time they were out together was probably around the time after they got back from Japan, when it was just a few of them in the dorm. Just like now, Taerae was the first one who suggested they go out, griping about how bored he was. It was a considerably sized party with Ricky, Hao and Matthew. In short, Taerae acted like the local tour guide, showing them around snack places, cafes and favorite convenience stores (“For future reference, Taerae-approved.”  Hao raises a brow. “Is this a reliable source?”). Between Taerae and Jiwoong, they’ve never really hung out with only the two of them. 

When their food arrives (“Three dishes Hyung. I’ll take it easy on you”), they focus on just eating. It’s a bit worrying how voracious Jiwoong’s appetite suddenly is. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe, if he tries enough, he can really eat the sweat away. The food is incredibly good. Jiwoong latches onto that thought until he finally feels his jaw start to protest.

Jiwoong combs his bangs away from his forehead, although a few strands stay stubbornly plastered. He takes a break from eating, letting the spice settle comfortably on his tongue. Taerae’s gaze wander around the shop, considering. He stopped eating a while ago, Jiwoong realizes.

“How are you holding up?”

It takes a while for Taerae to reply. In the opposite corner from where they sat, the television plays a drama. The volume is soft enough that the words are barely discernible from the two or three overhead fans oscillating, circulating lukewarm air and the smell of food. The owners are hidden in the kitchen somewhere, leaving Jiwoong and Taerae by themselves in the sea of white noise.

“... I’m not the type to linger on what could have been. It’s unproductive and definitely not healthy. But.” Taerae takes a slow breath. “It’s hard, isn’t it.”

Jiwoong nods. He doesn’t say anything. Taerae eyes a space on the table, fidgeting the ring on one of his fingers.

“I don’t know if you’ve seen Hanbin-ie, ah, Park Hanbin, Jeonghyun-ie and all of them around. It’s hard sometimes to talk to them about everything. They’re happy for us. But still. Sometimes, though, it’s… yeah…” He trails off. Words aren’t enough to describe that sentiment, something to encapsulate the mix of excitement, disappointment, and another feeling that teeters dangerously between shame and hurt.

For the first couple weeks after Boys Planet ended, Jongwoo told him that he needed time to think about himself and his future. He needs space away from him, Jongwoo said, and, selfishly, it had hurt Jiwoong more than it should have. Jiwoong drowned himself in practice and recordings. Allowing himself to think about anything else and he’ll end up fretting about when, if Jongwoo will contact him.

He woke up one morning, a few days before their flight to Japan, with a message of “Good luck!” followed by a series of brief updates on Jongwoo’s plans, with a promise that he’ll give more detail once they are back in Korea. A few members were quick to catch and comment about Jiwoong’s enthusiasm during that day’s practice.

“As long as we’re able to support one another, then that should be enough.”

Taerae points a soft, appreciative smile at him. “That’s the most important thing, isn’t it?”

They sit there for a bit. Cotton in the air, dissolving from the blows of waving fans. It’s still hot. Jiwoong is reminded of this when he takes a sip of his water, condensation collecting on the metal cup, cooling his warm hand.

“How about you Hyung, how do you like our songs?”

“I like them all. Honestly, I don’t dislike a single thing.”

“Same here. Any favorites? Mine is New Kidz on the Block. A fresh, fun concept is en vogue right now.”

“I bet you enjoy showing off your dimple all the time.”

“You know me~”

It doesn’t take Jiwoong long to think about his answer. “Mine is In Bloom.”

Unprompted, they sing the first line, afterward laughing at their accidental simultaneity.

The morning comes,

A dazzling light that is different from yesterday’s.

“It’s a sad song, isn’t it, even though it sounds so happy,” Taerae says.

Something that you can’t help but sing, even though it hurts just a little bit. A beautiful longing. Bittersweet.

“It matches our group, I think. Is it bad that I think about our future sometimes?”

They stop by a couple places, a bookstore, a snack bar, and stopping last at a convenience store to buy ice cream for the dorm. By the time they get back, their plastic bags are still cold, ice cream barely melted before being stuffed in the freezer.

The tomorrow that will not come

Isn't on my mind.

I will just think about you.

Everyone gathers in one of the company’s bonus rooms. Their manager lets each person chip in as to what food they want to eat. They’re celebrating their first music show win, afterall.

He can listen to this for a long time, Jiwoong thinks, as they take turns singing as In Bloom plays in the background, although it’s more of an overlap of multiple people simply singing along. Many eyes are still puffy from crying earlier, beaming grins overwhelming what tears they had shed.

The more I run to you everyday

The harder it becomes to stop.

Even though I know, I jump in without fear.

Matthew slings an arm around Taerae’s shoulders, who at first seems taken-aback by the contact before returning the gesture with a fond smile. Matthew holds a cup of soda like it held the sunlight that caused the high flush on his cheeks.

“We made it!” It's a child’s words. Innocent words said with an innocent, blinding vibrancy. Jiwoong laughs first, the hardest, before everyone joins the bleeding happiness around them.

—

“It’s taking so long,” is probably what Matthew is trying to say. Sleepiness and puckered lips, from having his face pressed against the fluffy hotel pillow, making his words nearly incomprehensible.

Hanbin and Gyuvin’s room had been the chosen location for their dinner meetup. Everyone except for Hanbin lounges on every bit of surface they could find as they wait for him and their manager to arrive with food. With their performance for KCON officially done, there was a conversation as to what to eat. Between a formal buffet and takeout (“Pizza!” Ricky and Matthew high five each other at their simultaneous suggestion), the group of healthy young men were quick to choose the latter, especially considering that they could eat comfortably in their pajamas. Plus, it’s a near impossible task to make reservations so late during a weekend night.

At this point, Jiwoong is semi-confident that he can probably finish a whole box of pizza by himself. Korean pizza, to be exact. But he’s more than ready to take on the challenge of whatever the American version is going to give. Quality doesn’t matter as long as he can eat it. Something salty would be nice considering that he can still taste the sharp radioactive sweetness of the energy drink that Taerae offered him (“Hyung, this is the coffee of the new generation.”).

“Jiwoong hyung, turn your belly down.” Gyuvin’s head is resting on Jiwoong’s rumbling stomach. He groans when Jiwoong puffs his abdomen out.

Despite the pouring rain outside, the energy of the venue stayed unrelentingly spirited. The crowds here are different, more chaotic and tempestuous. Being on the stage was so much like being in one of the earlier stages back in Boys Planet, when not everyone knew who they were. Indiscriminate, endless cheers, energizing the exhaustion out of Jiwoong and everyone’s bodies. Even while their legs trembled from tire and the raucous bass from the audience, by the time they were down the stage, Jiwoong felt the bizarre urge to stay just a little bit longer up there.

Gunwook springs up the moment he hears the knock from the door. He eagerly takes the pizza boxes from the manager’s hands and helps Hanbin with laying them out, tops of tables and drawers cleared out for their large order. The smell of processed cheese and oil effectively wakes up those who were close or already sleeping.

By now the rain outside has died down, its presence only known by the occasional sounds of drizzle that whispers through the traffic outside. Once the manager leaves, everyone gathers with their enormous slices of warm pizza, the sound of chewing and whatever was playing on the TV filling the crowded room. Jiwoong’s tired head is too occupied with savoring his food to pay attention to what’s on.

“Where has this been all my life.” Taerae is already on his third slice, the space between his brows and the corners of his mouth wrinkled in grimacing satisfaction. 

“Yujin-ah, are you even chewing” Hao asks. In reply, Yujin shakes his head, although there does seem to be more of an effort to chew his food before swallowing. His moving mouth is the only sign that he’s awake, with his eyes staying stubbornly closed as he leans against the headboard, the slice in his hands looking moments from falling onto the bed.

Matthew is helping himself to something with pepperoni and a generous slather of garlic sauce. He speaks through puffed cheeks. “So Ricky, Korean pizza or American Pizza?”

“Korean.”

“ Really? ”

“ Really ?” Gyuvin chokes out a chortle beside him after he echoes Matthew’s pronunciation. His fingers are too greasy to smother Matthew’s face, so instead he bumps against his shoulder, head lolling endearingly over the top of the other’s bed-ruffled hair. Unbothered, Matthew still stares at Ricky in disbelief.

“I like how sweet it is,” Ricky says.

“Sweet pizza…” He can’t seem to fathom it. Upon closer look, he seems to be having trouble thinking about anything.

“Matthew hyung is falling asleep,” Gunwook says.

“It’s like when Snow White eats the poison apple,” Hao watches with wondrous eyes as Matthew’s head droops and eventually drops. Sitting beside the sleepy princess is a straight-backed Gunwook, who lets the other splay across his lap. Jiwoong watches as Gunwook diligently cleans up Matthew’s fingers before continuing to eat, his attention back to the various conversations flying around.

Hanbin feeds a piece of what looks like chocolate cake to Yujin. “Ricky, you’re the LA native. Where should we eat tomorrow?” 

“Sushi. Or tacos. Can we eat out if it’s raining?”

“I don’t see why not. We have nothing to do until our flight,” Hanbin says.

“I haven’t eaten tacos before.” Tacos. They’re Mexican right? Jiwoong considers the options and is reminded about the yukgaejang he ate earlier… Something new might be the way to go around here.

“Tacos! That’s the stuff with cilantro and, what is it… salsa right? Oh, and guacamole! I want to try those!” Everyone perks up at Hao’s enthusiasm. 

They have a lengthy discussion about what food Mexican cuisine has (“Elotes sound so good…” Taerae scrolls through the pictures on his phone, a curious Yujin peeking over his shoulder. Gyuvin groans. At this point, he’s already had his fill of food, patting his stomach in lethargic content. “I wonder how differently they spice their meat. Man! How am I hungry again?”)

It’s late at night. By now, the silent intervals between sirens are longer than they were a couple hours ago. Hanbin claps his hand, standing over them with a foreboding smile on his face. Everyone avoids his searching gaze. “Who wants to help clean up?”

A quick game of rock-paper-scissors results in Yujin and Gyuvin staying behind to wipe off the surfaces and organize the boxes. One does it quietly while the other sulkily collects all the used cardboard.

Gyuvin whines at Hanbin, who is already taking his accessories off with a towel slung across his shoulder. “This is your room too, shouldn’t you be helping?”

“Not according to this.” Hanbin holds up the victorious scissors, laughing at the exasperated sigh in response.

“Hao hyung, I can carry Matthew hyung to your room.” Gunwook is still sitting on the bed, stuck in place by the still-sleeping occupant splayed across his legs. Hao chirps a small “Yes please~” while he dusts off the crumbs from the beds. Carefully, Gunwook shifts so that Matthew’s head lands softly on the mattress. He doesn’t make a sound. Jiwoong lingers at the foot of the bed, watches Matthew nuzzle against the warm fabric left behind.

Jiwoong pats Gunwook’s back, stopping him before he moves to lift Matthew. “You go rest up Gunwook-ah. I’ll help Hao out.”

Gunwook shrugs. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure? You must be really tired from today.”

“It’s fine, I’ll just be carrying him for a bit anyway.” But Jiwoong recognizes the slouch of the other’s shoulders. It’s not like Jiwoong is doing anything right now anyway, so might as well let the others rest up.

“Let hyung do it,” Jiwoong finds himself insisting.

Gunwook looks a bit surprised at his persistence. He pauses a bit, perplexed. “Oh, I mean—”

“Ah, actually.” Hao raises his hand with the speed and hesitancy of a student who is eager but unsure about the correctness of their answer. “I have something to talk to Jiwoong hyung about if that’s okay…?”

At some point, a silence filled the room. Jiwoong isn’t sure when or why but when he realizes, he looks around to find the reason, flitting from a carefully poker-faced Taerae, the expression he makes when he’s restraining from voicing out a complaint, to Yujin and Gyuvin with their ears in their shoulders as they engross themselves with wiping the drawer tops.

“Hm? Did something happen?”

“Gyuvin dropped food on the floor,” Ricky says. Between Yujin and Gyuvin’s feet is a slice of pizza, sauce-side-down. Gyuvin has a wide-eyed look of someone just as shocked as to what just happened.

“Yah!”

Hanbin, looking a bit flustered, pats the shoulders of the two. “Come on, these won’t clean themselves,” he points an dangerously sharp smile at Gyuvin. “Make sure you guys are thorough.”

He moves to enter the bathroom. “Ricky-ah! Let me know what restaurants we can check out for tomorrow.”

Ricky gives a silent thumbs up.

—

“Hyung, how have you been?”

Seobin peers at him curiously. The smell of barbecue fills the apartment, a simple spread of meats and side dishes for the grill in front of them. The sun is just about ready to set outside, and although Jiwoong prefers to drink when it’s at night, since he has to leave for dance practice later they opted to meet up early. Slight smoke from the grill, golden sunlight seeping through the curtains. The warmth consumes him.

Seobin laughs. “Your cheeks are already turning red. Slow down!”

“It’s because I'm trying to keep up with you,” Jiwoong whines. Nevermind that he's already started on his third can, while Seobin is still steadily sipping on his second one.

“So,” Seobin rests an elbow on the table, leaning his chin on a palm. “Anyone who’s caught your eye?”

Jiwoong shakes his head. Through a cheekful of food, “Other than you, no.”

“Oh you.” He slaps Jiwoong’s shoulder. Jiwoong giggles at his protests, giddy from alcohol and company. There was a time when teasing like this made their ears turn red. Now, after so much time spent together, they can share jokes like these easily without the pressures of a camera, knowing well the boundaries they’ve set for each other. The borders they’ve put down.

“You should invite your members over.”

“You’ll just scare them off.”

Seobin laughs. “If they can handle you, I’m sure they’ll be fine with me.”

Still, when they had run into each other at Show Champion, it was probably one of the most stilted exchanges they’ve ever had, nearly beating their first kiss scene. They had called each other beforehand to share their excitement about being there at the same time. The actual meeting, however…

“Seobin-ah!” Jiwoong comes in with a jogging hug, feeling Seobin nearly buckle from the full weight of excitement tackling him. Words nearly burst through the wide grin on his face. Of course they keep up with each other through texts and phone calls, but it’s entirely different when it’s in person. So many things rush through his head—How is he, how has be been, you look so pretty—

“Nice to meet you, I’m Seobin.”

A slight pause, before a stumbling, “Hello, I’m Zhang Hao.” Hao bows, then crosses his hands behind his back in a polite stance.

The most worrying, which Jiwoong realizes only when he’s about to bombard Seobin with anything and everything, is the person right behind Hao. Their manager lingers, visibly fidgeting as more people pass by them. They’re standing in the middle of the hallway, staff and other idols making way around their increasingly conspicuous party.

In the end, they don’t say much to each other.

(What they do manage to say:

“How’ve you been?”

“Good! Good… Oh, sorry, do you have something to do?”

Jiwoong chances a glance at their manager, who is trying to discreetly nod his head. “Yeah, we have a radio show. We’re actually going back to our dressing room.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you. Fighting!” Seobin does the same gesture to Hao.

Caught off-guard, poor Hao raises both fists in return, profusely bowing even as they walk away.)

They called about it later. Jiwoong was quickly shut down after he kept on apologizing.

Sometimes it feels like no time has passed as they easily follow the familiar cadene of conversation. Sometimes, after Seobin has talked about all his schedule, all the things Jiwoong has missed, the stretch of months that have passed between them becomes impossibly wide.

“You’re going out of the country right? For MCount?”

“Yeah, sometime around next month.”

Seobin “Ooh”s. “Take a lot of pictures for me! Who knows, maybe someone will catch your eye in France.”

“Why do you care about my relationship so much? Do you like me?”

He means to be playful. He doesn’t expect Seobin to somberly smile at him, softly saying, “I care a mighty lot about you, Kim Jiwoong-ssi.”

Jiwoong looks at him. “No, I don’t think I’ll be meeting anyone there,” he says. He takes a sip from his can. “I doubt it if there’s someone like you around.” Echoes of sincerity, underlied by something like yearning, Jiwoong isn’t entirely sure. He glances down at the sizzling meat. Only a few left to cook at this point.

Sometimes, Jiwoong catches past wisps of attraction from before. Sweet Seobin, flushed cheeks from alcohol, half-crescent eyes looking at Jiwoong like he’s so much more. Jiwoong is taken, abruptly, by how much he misses just being in each other’s company.

“I’m serious. Flirt all you like, but I know you’re hiding something.”

“What am I hiding? Tell me~” Jiwoong reaches to shake Seobin’s hand. He keeps holding it, finding that he enjoys the coolness against his skin.

Seobin puffs out a breath. “You have that look you know. When you like someone.”

“Is it different from the one I have when I’m with you?”

“Of course it is.”

Jiwoong picks up a piece of kimchi, sighing as the tanginess hits his tongue.

“Jiwoong hyung, look at me.” Jiwoong feels a finger tilt his chin up. He smiles sweetly, laughing when Seobin pouts. The other's eyes roam around, distracted. “ Do you like someone?”

“No I don’t. Really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yah, wouldn’t it make sense that I’d be the first person to know if I like someone?” He can’t help but start to whine. He doesn’t like anyone. Of course he’d know when he does.

“Alright alright, I just wanted to make sure. You know that you’re a bit slow, right?”

Jiwoong pouts.

The evening passes by too quickly. Cleaning up the table, washing the dishes, and the next thing Jiwoong knows, while the two of them lounge against each other on the couch, he's jolted awake by his phone alarm going off.

They embrace each other. Seobin pulls back to look at him, gaze gentle and smile tender. “Take care Hyung. Let me know when you find out what it is.”

“What “what” are you talking about?”

Seobin snorts. He lightly smacks a cold hand against Jiwoong’s cheek, eyes softening at the sigh it gets. A thumb caresses his burning skin.

“Whatever Dummy Jiwoong doesn’t know yet.”

Jiwoong lets it go. A soberness creeps up on him, and he stops himself from hugging Seobin one more time. He won’t be able to let go.

“You too. Take care.”

“I’ll be fine,” Seobin winks at him. “Just let me know what you think about my next song when it comes out.”

—

Despite all his muscles, Matthew is surprisingly light, or at least it’s a weight Jiwoong can comfortably carry.

“I really appreciate your help.” Hao lifts a corner of the duvet of Matthew's bed. They work together to tuck him in. It's always a healing sight, Matthew's face relaxing in sleep, gentle snoring that he's sure will get louder later on from how tired he was. 

Jiwoong moves blonde bangs. They're getting longer. Matthew complains about them whenever they dance, and while others, mostly Hao, have tried to encourage him to wear hair clips or headbands, he’s adamant about his beanies despite how easily hot he gets. There’s something else…

He reaches over to gently unclip each of Matthew’s earrings. He doesn’t budge at all, so Jiwoong after he places them on the bedside table, he risks tracing the outline of a lobe warm under his touch. If it were him, he’d be shying away immediately. While he’s at it, he might as well poke his cheek.

Jiwoong looks up to Hao fondly gazing at him, chin resting against a cupped palm. Somehow, he feels like he’s just been caught doing something wrong. Feeling oddly embarrassed, he retreats his hands, letting them rest on his lap instead. Hao’s words come back to him. “You mentioned wanting to talk to me about something?”

Furrowing his brows, Hao seems to struggle remembering something before a visible “Ah ha!” pops over his head. “Oh no no, I was just lying, actually. You seemed pretty insistent earlier so I just thought… ” He bites his lips. He’s trying to stifle his incredulity, caution in the slow delivery of his question. “Did you have a reason for being like that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Wanting to carry Matthew here. Gunwook could have handled it, you know.”

“Gunwook looked tired, so I wanted to help him out.”

“Is that all?”

Is that the only reason? Jiwoong tries to think, gaze drifting to the bold mole by Matthew’s temple. “I guess I was feeling pretty spontaneous.”

“Ah… Jiwoong hyung, you’re so… ”

At some point, Jiwoong had started patting Matthew’s head. Hard not to, when he looks so soft. It’s not good to go to bed with his hair still wet. Matthew runs hot, but when he’s sleeping, he turns to wherever the warmth is. Like now, with his hair still wet and cold, he turns towards Jiwoong, who’s sitting at the space beside him, and tries to shift closer until his forehead just barely grazes Jiwoong’s thigh.

“... Sweet. And cute. You’re very cute, Hyung.”

Jiwoong raises an eyebrow at the odd way he says it, but the smile on his face easily overcomes everything else. When they say things like these to him, he feels a certain type of giddiness that makes it feel like little cotton balls are jumping in his chest.

Hao is standing just a couple feet away at the edge of the bed. Not too close to be overbearing, but just far enough that Jiwoong is reminded of how late it is. Hao will probably follow Matthew to sleep the moment Jiwoong leaves.

“Alright, sleep well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Hao smiles at him. “Good night Hyung.”

Chapter Text

Dancing in the moonlight

It's like a dream. the world that I lived with you

—”Take My Hand”, ZEROBASEONE

---

Careful, Kim Jiwoong. One step too close and you won’t be able to get out.

—

The room is dark when Jiwoong wakes up. It takes him a couple of blinks for his vision to properly adjust and take in the blue white light trickling from the windows, the curtains still drawn open to the bright buildings outside. At the first attempt of trying to heft himself up, a pounding headache makes itself known. A consequence of having slept so soon right after the livestream ended earlier. He should know better, really, than to nap so late in the day.

Slowly, Jiwoong pushes himself to sit up. His body doesn’t exactly ache, but it feels stubbornly heavy, the kind that happens after a too-long nap. He braces through the dull pangs at the back of his eyes, although a groan still comes out to fill the air with more than just the sad sound of rustling bedsheets. Knowing that this headache will be there for the rest of the night is just as bad as knowing that he won’t be sleeping any time soon.

His stomach grumbles. He groans some more, reigns the impulse to slump back on the bed.

It doesn’t come back to him until he’s turned on the lights, splashed his face with water, and scrolled through the menu for food. A mint chocolate parfait is an odd choice to have for dessert. His nose wrinkles trying to imagine the taste with the texture. Unpleasant.

Then he remembers.

“Hyung, work out with us tonight.” Matthew’s face is still puffy from his nap earlier. They're in the car on the way to their practice room for their performance tomorrow. While not a part of the conversation, but definitely a part of the pod going to the gym later, Gyuvin cranes his head from the passenger’s seat, just enough to show that he’s tuning in.

Jiwoong hums. “Should I work out?”

“You totally should.” A hand winds across Jiwoong’s bicep to squeeze it appreciatively. “Hyung needs to show off his yummy body after all!”

Gyuvin snorts. 

Jiwoong was planning on going. That is, until he slept through his alarm. It looks like the lack of sleep in the past few days is coming back to him. After rummaging his phone from somewhere underneath the duvet, he sees the couple messages from Matthew (“Are you still coming?”, “Everyone is going back up now!”, “Have a good rest Hyung~~~”), notifications from a couple Instagram lives that some members did, worryingly condensed within just a couple hours, and a pitiful notification of a missed alarm. The only upside is that it isn’t so terribly late yet to get food.

He places his order and calls Matthew.

“Yes, Hyung?” There’s a tone of caution when he answers.

“Are you alone?”

A careful laugh. Is everything… alright? “Right now I’m doing a livestream.” Ah.

They talk just for a bit about the relay-live that looks to still be going on. (“No Hyung”, Matthew quickly reassures. “If you want to, you can do it”). He shouldn’t be taking Matthew’s time during the livestream. But, he likes to think, this is a pretty urgent matter, knowing whether or not he has to get himself ready to stream for thousands of people.

“You went to the gym already,” Jiwoong asks. Part rhetorical, part unwilling to end the call so soon.

“Yeah, but if Hyung is going, I don’t mind going again.” The eagerness of his offer almost, almost makes Jiwoong consider.

“... I saw that it’s open 24 hours.”

“Oh really? Hyung, aren't you tired?”

Knowing full well that he sounds like he just woke up, Jiwoong says, “Yes I’m tired. I’m feeling pretty sleepy right now.”

Matthew laughs, entirely aware of the fact.

Around an hour later, Jiwoong opens the door to a wet-haired Matthew, beaming up at him with the tips of his nose still flushed from a hot shower. Behind him, wearing a matching set of the hotel’s complimentary robes, is Hanbin, smiling behind a plate of pizza and sandwiches.

(Shortly after their call ended:

From Babyu<3 : Can I come over???

From Woongie hyeong : Of course~)

“Hyung, you ordered so much food!” Hanbin gapes at the three dishes squeezed into the single table in the room. He opts to rest his plate on his lap. Him and Matthew already made themself comfortable on Jiwoong’s bed. Matthew sits closer to Jiwoong, already opening his mouth to the piece of sweet potato fry being offered. 

“You even ordered alcohol!” Matthew looks wide-eyed at the couple bottles of beer Jiwoong had set to the side, in a not-so-discreet attempt to hide them. There’s something brewing in Matthew’s expression. Jiwoong sees the pout about to form, the visible thoughts in the other’s face that reads “Ah Hyung you shouldn't be drinking”, and springs to action.

“Want one? How about you Hanbin-ah?”

Hanbin catches on quickly. “I’ll have one.” Matthew turns to him, taken aback. In a teasing tone he adds, “Maetyu doesn’t drink beer.”

“But I do drink,” Matthew’s eyebrows wrinkle in indignation. The pout comes, but it’s more subdued. Hanbin always has that effect on him. Jiwoong can’t help but be a little bit jealous.

“Not beer . Did you know,” Hanbin points a playful smirk at Jiwoong, pulling a frowning Matthew close to him in an effort to hug away his complaints. “That Maetyu only ever orders daiquiris and mojitos. I guess I’ll count soju.”

“I one hundred percent drink soju!”

“Peach flavored. Or green-apple flavored. Especially when it’s mixed with yakult~'' Matthew pushes, more like paws Hanbin away with his hands hidden by the devastatingly oversized sleeves of any long-sleeved clothing he wears. A whining “Hyung!” causing Hanbin and Jiwoong to laugh in delight from his embarrassment. 

He challenges taking a sip from Hanbin’s bottle. When he does, he grimaces, wordlessly hands it back, and stuffs a bundle of fries into his mouth.

Jiwoong tilts his head, careful to keep his grin from growing any wider. “But you can drink black coffee. Is beer really that much different?”

“Coffee wakes you up. It’s not worth getting drunk if you have to drink something nasty-tasting.”

“True.” Hanbin nods sagely. Entirely undermined by the sweet smile on his face, but Matthew seems oblivious to it all, even when Hanbin feeds him a slice of the pizza.

They talk for a while, mainly about their thoughts for their schedule in the next month. Surprisingly, it’s going to be the first time visiting Europe for all three of them. Jiwoong assumed that Matthew had been to at least France, considering he’s learnt it in school, but Matthew denies it vehemently (“Only the super rich people go abroad in my high school.”). He thinks about it, a smaller, rounder-faced Matthew, left behind for a school trip. Although it’s probably not as dramatic as Jiwoong’s imagination, it’s still gratifying to bask in the other’s excitement. Like when it was first announced that they were going to Japan for KCON, Matthew had been the one to look forward to it the most, constantly talking about where to visit, what to buy, which were neither things that could be done during their quick, schedule-packed visit. Hopefully, this trip can afford more leisure time for everyone.

“How well is your French,” Jiwoong asks. He’s reclined on the chair by the windows, legs propped up to rest lightly on Matthew’s stomach.

Matthew hums, patting Jiwoong’s calf listlessly. “Honestly? I’m more confident with impromptu conversations. I don’t know why, but it’s harder when I have to memorize things. I get more nervous that way.”

With Matthew’s head laid down on the bed, Hanbin easily reaches down to play with his hair. “Can I count on you to teach me French?”

“Everything for my star student~”

Eventually, the familiar strain on Jiwoong’s stomach makes itself known. Nevermind that he’s done a decent job going through about half of each plate he has, in addition to finishing up the food Hanbin bought. Hanbin’s comment earlier makes him realize that, maybe, he might have been overzealous with his order. He stops himself from picking up another beef skewer.

“Who else is awake?”

“Definitely Gyuvin and Gunwook,” Hanbin says. “I’m meeting up with Hao later, so he’s probably still awake.”

Jiwoong looks dubiously at the plates of food. “Do you think he’ll still want to eat this late?”

“He’s a stickler, but he’ll budge if you try hard enough.” There’s hardly anyone better in their team at convincing than Hanbin. Against Hao, it’s nearly a one-sided victory.

Matthew rolls over to rest his cheek on crossed arms. He’s like a cat, curling the duvet around himself like a soft shell.

“There’s something I’m curious about.” He looks pointedly at Hanbin.

“What is it?”

“Why can you and Hao hyung act all fanservice-y in front of the camera without getting in trouble? When it’s someone else, like me or Jiwoon hyung, or even Gyuvin and Ricky, suddenly they’re super involved in everything we do.”

Hanbin sighs. This isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation. The only difference is that Jiwoong is here, silently finding himself in the middle of the unexpected shift in topic. If he wasn’t paying closer attention, he might have missed the way Hanbin’s gaze fluttered towards him before looking away.

“Hao and I are a bit different…”

“I know, but it shouldn’t matter though. The fans love it when we’re affectionate with each other, regardless of who it’s with.”

The words slip out of Jiwoong’s mouth the moment Matthew glances at him. “That’s right.” This time, Hanbin doesn’t hide when he lays his heavy gaze on him.

While it was a bit reckless to share their selka on Bubble, no one could have expected their picture to be made into such a huge spectacle all the way in Times Square, America . While it made a pretty big buzz on social media sites, their managers weren’t as enthusiastic. Although Matthew is one of the members they’re more gentle-handed with, Gunwook and Ricky, the only ones who were there, told him that the scolding lasted at least five minutes. Surely not the first time any of them got in trouble. But it was the first for Matthew, at least to that extent.

Later that night, Matthew gave him an extensive apology. Jiwoong didn’t even know why until Matthew had to explain it to him right at the moment, terribly subdued in ill-fitted guilt.

Hanbin starts, a careful mix of diplomatic and sincere. “I wish I could explain it, but honestly even I don’t entirely know why.” He pushes through despite Matthew’s dissatisfaction. “If I were to think of a reason, I think they’re trying to push for you and Gunwook-ie as a duo. We’re getting ready for our Japanese debut right?” 

Matthew nods slowly. Hanbin fidgets with the ribbon of Matthew’s robe. “I think they want to focus on that chemistry instead since you guys are so popular with the fans there.”

“I guess that makes sense…”

A part of Jiwoong believes it. Another part thinks that there’s more left unsaid. Impossible not to. Hanbin gazes down at Matthew, almost deliberately refusing to meet Jiwoong’s eyes.

“Really? So are you done sulking?”

He pouts out an “I’m not sulking” and welcomes Hanbin’s caressing hand against his cheek, helpless to stop the corners of his lips from curling up.

At some point, Matthew rolls to get up, wet hair bunched up from laying down. The impulse to reach over and flatten it down is just that. An impulse. Being much closer than Jiwoong is, Hanbin does it for him, as well as tidying Matthew’s robes, straightening his collar and tightening the ribbon around his waist.

When Matthew does get up, Jiwoong moves to hold his hand. It stops him from stepping away too soon, lets Jiwoong finally feel his warmth up close. “Going to sleep?”

Matthew shakes his head, hand swaying. Jiwoong gently thumbs the patch of dry skin behind the other’s palm. “No, I’m going to visit Taerae.”

“What for,” Jiwoong asks. It’s late enough that it should be Matthew’s bedtime.

Matthew shrugs. “No reason, just feel like it.” He squeezes Jiwoong’s hand before finally letting go. He gives them a sleepy smile. Sweet and mused, with one collar of his robe, despite Hanbin’s work earlier, already drooping down one lazy shoulder. He looks curiously at Hanbin. “You’re staying here?”

“Yeah, just for a bit though.”

How foreboding.

He greets them with a good night before leaving. With just Jiwoong and Hanbin left, the room settles with an uneasy tension, all in the settling silence from Matthew’s departure. Bottles of beer in hand, distant urban noise, just Jiwoong and Hanbin. An echo of a time before, somehow lightyears in the past, somehow hazily present in this moment.

“So,” Jiwoong starts. He’s bracing himself, he realizes. “What do you want to talk about?”

—

“Merci beaucoup.”

Everyone watches, shocked, as Matthew presses his cheek against their server. Another to the other side, like a nuzzling cat, popping air kisses like a chirping bird.

They just finished eating at a small restaurant tuckered near the hotel they’re staying at. Despite serving Korean food, there’s something different about the flavors that Jiwoong can’t entirely point out. But it’s close enough, maybe just as good, that it staves off the craving he’s been having ever since they went abroad.

Their server had moved from Korea to France when she was a child. She’s more comfortable speaking in French and broken English, with only a few words in Korean that Jiwoong has difficulty understanding. Despite frequent pauses when he looks for the right words to say, Matthew maintains an enthusiastic, genuine conversation with her. About what they’re talking about now, Jiwoong has no clue. Earlier, Matthew shared that their server didn’t know who they were. Diverging from there, their current topic can be a great number of things. The smile Matthew had is tender, talking to her like she’s some aunt in the family.

This is definitely something cultural about this, Jiwoong thinks, after seeing the exchange. It effectively silences the rest of the chatter of their party. It’s a bit entertaining to see Gyuvin, Yujin and Gunwook, who are the closest, try to unsuccessfully hide behind each other, clumsy and not at all discreet with their towering heights. 

Gyuvin shakes his head. “No no no, I don't think I can do it.” Yujin latches himself securely onto one of his arms, while Gunwook is pressed right against the two’s backs, effectively keeping them in front as his barrier. Either because she was aware of their discomfort, or because she never had the intentions to, the server gives them a series of bows and waves as they leave the restaurant. Rather anticlimactic. The three exit the building in a pod of embarrassed shuffles.

“I’m assuming that was a French greeting,” Gunwook glues himself to Matthew. Ricky pokes fun at the other vulnerable two, copying their expressions earlier in exchange for jabs to the side.

“La bise. I did it with some of my French classmates back in school whenever we greeted each other.”

Jiwoong imagines it, a full-cheeked Matthew brushing cheeks with people taller than him. He probably needed to stand on his toes to even reach someone like Gunwook’s height.

“Is it rude if we don’t do it,” Gunwook asks.

“No?” Matthew tilts his head in consideration. “It’s okay since you guys are foreigners. I think they would appreciate it if you did it, but it’s not something people expect you to do.”

Gyuvin speaks with an ensnared Ricky in his octopus arms, the other having given up on struggling free. “Matthew hyung, do you even do it with strangers? How about that lady from earlier?”

“Well, hm, I guess it’s complicated. It seemed like the right situation to do it, so I did. I guess if it’s mutually understood it’s okay.”

“Doing it with friends and family is fine, but I think I’ll get too flustered doing it with anyone else,” Gunwook says.

“Sometimes I’ll just give them a peck on the cheek. See.” Gyuvin smacks a loud kiss against Ricky’s cheek.

“Yah!”

Gyuvin sticks his tongue out. “Ew, makeup face.”

“That’s what you get, serial smoocher.”

Jiwoong looks up at the burning sky. The buildings are too tall, too close to each other to properly see the sunset, but the sight of lampposts and unfamiliar architecture is just as good of a sight. The night is cold, the wind unforgiving, and Jiwoong thinks about the few sweaters and hoodies he brought, recklessly opting for jean jackets and stylish collars.

“Cold, Yujin-ah?” Jiwoong slings an arm around Yujin’s shoulders. The other immediately huddles close. In front of them, people are paired up to combat the cold. Gyuvin and Ricky, Gunwook and Matthew. It’s a silent, peaceful night, save for the quiet chatter ferried by the many alleyways. Save for the hum of some song. Matthew’s voice, lilting, dreamy words of segmented French.

(Underneath thoughts, a lively exchange:

“Yeujin-ssi, come over here! I haven’t given you a proper hello.” The threatening pucker of Gyuvin’s lips.

Thankfully the streets are empty when Yujin rushes away, a tenacious older brother eagerly nipping at his heels.)

—

“I was wondering when the right time would be, but we’ve just been too busy.”

“I think that this conversation should be done sooner rather than later.”

“Where do I start, uh…”

Jiwoong waits patiently for Hanbin to find his words. It hasn’t been long since Matthew left. The moment he does, Jiwoong watches as Hanbin downs the rest of his bottle in a few gulps. When he places it down, it dings emptily, noisily against the wooden floor, piercing through their bated breaths..

“Jiwoong hyung.”

“Yes?”

Hanbin takes a deep breath, fists anxiously curled on his lap.

“We need to talk about Matthew.”

—

The boat sways gently from the nighttime breeze. In the distance is a shining spire, sprouting from and setting fire the silhouetted city of Paris. Jiwoong couldn’t have imagined that he would be here and drink the sights of something he only ever saw in movies. It makes him sentimental. Romantic. The swaying of the ferry boat is dizzying. If he was any less sober, he’d think this was a dream.

There’s a fairy, leaning against the railings, hair shining moonlight silver, skin glowing pearl and stardust.

“It’s so cold,” he hears the fairy whine. Before he knows it, before Jiwoong can stop himself, he’s wrapping his arms around the shivering thing. He grins as the other giggles in surprise. He  tightens his embrace as if it can keep the happiness from leaking out.

“You startled me!”

“I’m just warming you up, is that okay?”

Matthew tries to look at him, but with how close they are he can only manage to brush his cheek against Jiwoong’s. His face is cold to touch. Jiwoong nuzzles that cold, soft skin, inhaling the familiar scent of flowers. Jiwoong’s perfume. The one he gave for Matthew’s birthday.

“You’re such a cute drunk Hyung.”

“I’m not drunk. Just tipsy.”

“Whatever you say~”

Icicle hands hold onto Jiwoong’s warmer ones. Matthew teeters the two of them to-and-fro in a silly dance, to the songs of swishing water, urban chatter, and whistling breeze.

“Ah Maetyu-yah, I want to warm you up.”

“You already are~”

“But you’re still shivering. See?” A giggle, a sparkler showering light in Jiwoong’s arms. The only way to keep them from escaping is to hold him even tighter, until Matthew's laughs are his own.

Then Jiwoong lets go. Just a little bit. He keeps one arm over Matthew’s shoulders. It lets Matthew turn to properly look at him. Lets Jiwoong see that fond smile of his that squeezes his chest in stifling affection.

“Hyung-ie is the cutest.” A finger pokes Jiwoong’s cheek.

Taerae calls Matthew over for his vlog. Too soon he slips away, squeezes Jiwoong’s waist in a goodbye that doesn’t at all reflect the sudden devastation Jiwoong feels. City lights, shining eyes, and a warmth that bleeds out into the cold night.

An arm linking with his. Clouds of fairies and summer dreams fly away.

“Having a good time Hyung?” Hanbin’s cheeks are ruddy from the cold. They are all underdressed for the weather, simple sweaters and thin jackets that aren’t at all sufficient to combat the river’s cold. 

Always a fast drinker, Kim Jiwoong. At the corner of his eyes, Matthew and Taerae sing to some song, huddled together like penguins in an effort to leech off of each other’s heat. When they finish, after Taerae leaves to go to the other members, Gunwook pulls Matthew along, teeth chattering as they follow after him down the yacht’s stairs.

“It's so cold,” Jiwoong complains.

Hanbin’s laugh is a trembling thing. He already knows where Jiwoong’s attention is. “I want to go inside, but I think it’s getting crowded down there.”

A cold, cold night. Get a grip, Kim Jiwoong. Otherwise, your heart is going to burst.

—

When it counts, Jiwoong knows self-control. He knows when to limit his diet in preparation for a shooting, and when to start exercising after months of rest to make sure he can fill up his shirts again. He might not be the best at sleeping early, but he makes sure he’s one of the first to wake up in their group, rousing the younger ones awake before the managers can knock on their doors. He’s good at those, what he likes to consider, dependable things. 

He’s sentimental, but he knows when to staunch that leaky faucet in his chest. Look down, Kim Jiwoong. Don’t smile too much. Don’t smile at all. That’s it. And try to sigh a little bit, like there’s something trying to get out. But hold it in there. That’s the look. Beautiful. He knows to bundle those things in his chest. Coexist in that stifling existence.

“Hyung, you need to stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

It’s a genuine question. Soobin smiles at him sadly.

A lot of people close to him tell him he’s slow. It makes them want to protect him, his naivete and lacking acumen. He’s good with people, can talk with them easily and support the ones he cares about. But not himself, and that’s something that’s always confounded him. He follows the stream of his emotions, careful to always look forward, never linger or ponder because he knows what it’s like, to start looking first at a pebble. Then the water, the flotsam and debris. And then suddenly he’s drowning.

He’s stalwart. Foolishly so. But he’s not stupid.

Sun smiles and starry days. Jiwoong wants to wake him up. At the same time he doesn’t, just so he can watch him sleep, feel the sluggish flow of time as if everything else is asleep with him.

The few times it happened always felt like a monumental shift in his spinning world. It may take him a while, but Jiwoong can recognize the feelings of an aching, longing heart.

—

“—I care about Matthew. I care about you, and I care about the team—”

A lesser person would think Hanbin is being hypocritical. But Jiwoong knows the difference between them, the burning, shining planets of Hanbin and Hao. While not invulnerable, tragedy, for them, wouldn’t be as devastating as Jiwoong and Matthew’s. Not entirely disposable, the two of them, but there are more holes in their barricade. Jiwoong can’t bear to watch it torn down, see it hurt because of him. There’s too much at stake for Jiwoong to just carelessly run forward.

Hanbin continues, guilt heavy on his shoulders, shaking the pupils that hasn’t wavered from the hands holding Jiwoong’s own. As if it’s the only thing keeping him from breaking down.

“I’m sorry hyung, I know it’s selfish of me to say all of this—”

“Hanbin-ah.”

A hiccupping stop. For a trembling moment, Hanbin drags his gaze in painful ascent. Hesitancy doesn’t suit those bright, shining eyes.

“I understand,” Jiwoong says. It almost moves Hanbin to tears.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want any of you to get hurt in the end.”

“I know.”

He thinks about it. The desire to tease just to see that blooming smile. The desire to just watch, taking in that joy like sunlight, feeding affection to the flower in Jiwoong’s heart, hale and endlessly, ceaselessly growing.

“It’s enough just to stay by his side.” For the first time, the truth comes out. A whisper that cost nearly the whole air in Jiwoong’s lungs.

“Hyung…”

“If it helps a bit more, I don’t think he’s going to realize it any time soon.” God, he sounds pathetic. But he needs to stop Hanbin from looking any more shattered. Otherwise Jiwoong won’t make it out of this intact.

Hanbin lets out a sobbing laugh, but at least his eyes are drying. “Ah really, I should be the one comforting you.”

Two pairs of hands holding onto each other. Too much love and warmth pooling in their palms. Jiwoong brings them close like a blazing hearth. Don't ever go out, please. He'll give anything to keep it burning.

—

“Our Matthew. The window to his heart is just as big as the love he can hold. I hope this makes sense Hyung, but I’m scared it’s going to spill when you share yours. Not that he can’t handle it, but I don’t think he’s ready for that, what Hyung can give him. Not right now.”

—

They’re back in their hotel. MCountdown in Paris ended in a flair of adrenaline and roaring cheers. Jiwoong can’t get enough of it, performing on that stage. It feels like any moment he’s going to start flying. It makes going to sleep hard, no matter how tired he feels.

When they get back to their hotel, everyone is quick to retreat back to their rooms. Jiwoong and Matthew are roommates this time. They order food, and while Matthew is usually careful about making sure not to eat too late, since his face gets easily swollen the next day, with nothing but the flight back to worry about, he indulges in his burger and fries, with a side of some chocolate mousse that he easily devours. 

Jiwoong shares his steak and mashed potatoes with him. It’s an easy pattern, eating, sharing, and chatting about their thoughts of today. Eventually, much to Jiwoong’s surprise, Matthew is the first to suggest ordering champagne.

“To celebrate!”

Well, Jiwoong would be the last person to give any protest to that.

They’re sitting across from each other on their respective beds, twiddling flutes of sparkling peach, feeling the jitters wind down after a full stomach and a moving night.

“French lesson for the day,” Matthew starts. “ Je tiens à toi . Do you want to guess what it means?”

“Give me a hint first.”

“Hyung needs to use his sense.” Matthew hums, considering. “Where are we right now?”

“Paris.”

“There. That’s your hint.”

Jiwoong searches Matthew’s expression, from the mole beside eager wrinkles to the expectant wink in his crescent gaze.

At his silence, Matthew gives another hint, although Jiwoong already has an idea as to what it could be. “You use it for your lover .”

애인. It’s a novel thing to come out of Matthew’s mouth. Pretty eyes peek under golden bangs. Jiwoong wants to brush them aside. So he does, fingers lingering carelessly at those lashes. They flutter at the brief contact.

“Lover. Where’d you learn that?”

“Probably Hanbin hyung? I honestly don’t remember.”

Jiwoong hums. “How do you say it again?”

“ Je tiens à toi. ”

“One more time.”

“ Je tiens à toi. ”

“ Je tiens à toi ,” Jiwoong repeats. It doesn’t take him long to guess. “I love you.”

Matthew throws his hands up in a small celebration. “Correct!”

“How is it different from the other one? Je t’aime ?”

“They basically mean the same thing, but this one is a bit more indirect. Instead of ‘love’, it’s ‘I care about you.’ That kind of feeling. I think it’s a bit more romantic.”

Oh? “Why?”

“ Show, not tell . It’s not as exciting if there’s no build up.”

“Exciting… so do you like a game? Hot and cold ,” he adds in English.

Matthew shakes his head vehemently. “Nothing like that. My heart can’t handle that kind of teasing.”

Jiwoong gets it. He really does.

“How about Hyung, do you prefer when people are direct or?”

“For me, falling in love takes time. A flower is beautiful because it can bloom, rather than because of the bloom itself. So I prefer the process of falling in love. It makes the love itself sweeter.”

Jiwoong watches as Matthew slumps back on his seat with a whining groan.

“Jiwoon Hyung sounded so cool just now.”

The grin growing on his face is nearly painful. “Thank you~”

They both giggle. If Jiwoong was any more careful, he would have realized how dangerous this situation is. Happiness, alcohol, and the closeness of each other’s company. Still, it doesn’t hurt to indulge, especially when the opportunity dangles so temptingly right in front of him.

“Hyung says cool words, but his laugh is the cutest. You’re lucky both images suit you.”

“Then, should I say what you taught me earlier cool-y or cutely?”

Matthew’s lips purse from behind the rim of a glass. “Cool-y.”

“ Je tiens à toi. ” A breath, nearly a whisper. Jiwoong looks straight at Matthew’s eyes, stifling the curl of his lips when he catches those pupils shyly trembling.

“Just like that! Hyung is definitely going to catch people’s hearts once they hear it.”

Jiwoong leans closer, greedily taking in the fruity floral scent of champagne they’re both drinking. Even closer, he challenges, when Matthew refuses to move away. So entirely oblivious. “So you’re saying I have it, your heart?”

Matthew looks away from Jiwoong’s gaze, giggling all the while as his cheeks burn pretty pink. “Ah Hyung, are you flirting with me right now.”

Yes, he is. Instead of saying this, he laughs along until they’ve both exhausted themselves on their beds. Matthew stretches out in a languid motion, feet bumping playfully against Jiwoong’s calves. He shoots him a champagne lazy smile, so sweet and precious.

You’re already careening, Kim Jiwoong.