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***
Chuuya…
It was you that tore us apart,
yet I must thank you
I must thank you for opening my eyes to the harm I have inflicted
I must thank you for allowing me to see the hatred that had grown in my partner’s soul
I must thank you for giving me solace…
Ah, despite everything, he detested me.
Chuuya…live
Live the life I wished for my partner so blindly I was ignorant
The life he so deserved
Live, so that I may see Paul in you
Live the life he wanted you to live
The life he could have lived
Ah, despite everything, I was to blame.
Chuuya…live
For your life was so important to him he favoured it over mine
The very idea of your existence meant more to him than I ever did
The dream of a future with you weighed heavier than our shared history
But I am not angry, I am not petty
Chuuya…live
Don’t let the rotting wound in my back—the flaming wound in my heart—go to waste.
Don’t let that final warmth go to waste
I had once attempted to take your life
Instead, you took mine, and for that I am glad
So now…live; you have so much to find out yet
I shall wait for him here, so that when he comes
I can make up for all these years
I can mend whatever is left of our partnership
…
All those years ago, Paul and I traded identities
It was the most intimate thing I could offer at the time
It was my way of saying I accepted him,
Of saying I understood his sorrow
Of saying I was ready to share his pain
Ah, how naive I was
I will not pretend to understand any longer
I will not drape him with my pity
Instead,
I shall show him I had truly meant I was ready to share his pain
To carry it alone
If it meant he should rest
Chuuya…live
Live, O sole being who can understand my partner’s woe
Don’t let the eight years of cold solitude be for naught
***
Chuuya…
I had wished to save you from the knowledge that haunted me since I came to be
I had wished to shelter you from this cursed existence
To take you away, protect you
Surround you and shield you, so you may never suffer as I did
But I was too late
Ah, despite everything, I failed even you
Then I had wished to bring you along
I had wished to share my sorrow, my humiliation, with you
The only being exiled as I was
I had wished to spare you the years of agonising debate
I had wished to save you the pain
To help you shape it into the fury that will light your dark existence
Like it helped light mine
I had wished to pass my wisdom on
From a man to his younger brother
"You needn't cry
You needn't mourn
You need only be mad.
Be furious at the monsters that had brought you to life.
The monsters that pretend they’re moral when they create monstrosities akin to ourselves
And forget such sin could not have been born from purity.
Become the nightmare they created you, created us, to be."
But you do not share that sentiment, do you?
That is fine
For you have given me what I most desired;
You regarded me without pity
You did not pretend to understand
And for that
Chuuya…live
For you have found your place in this life
For you are not as lonely as I am
You are not cursed as I am
Not disgraced as I am
You are not…
Ah, despite everything, even you don’t truly understand me
But that is fine
Chuuya…live
Live the life I desired — despised — so fiercely I was blinded
Live the life I fought the world for
Live the life I lost my world for
For you have that chance still.
Yet, I am not envious
Live the life I wanted you to live
Live the life I could have never lived
For you have that chance still.
Chuuya…live
Live, for I once put you before everything else
Live, for that decision cost me dearly
For I'm paying the price still
Live, for I have turned on my partner for your sake
I have betrayed my country and my friend
My saviour, for your sake
Live, for I have hurt the person who had loved me so purely
The man whom I loathed so deeply
Whom I cried for
But I am not regretful, I am not repentant
Such a wretched creature as myself was not made to connect
It was made to live and die in its isolation
Chuuya…live
Live, O sole being who could have understood my loneliness
Don’t let the eight years of cold solitude be for naught
***
I am alive, despite everything.
I may not have been born, for I have no memories
No past to come from
And when I lay in bed, I do not dream
No future to work for
My life only started when I birthed a monster into this world
Or perhaps, I was birthed by this monster
Yet, I exist, and I am alive
I am alive, to spite everything
Every attempt on my life
Every bruise to litter my body
Every scar to decorate my skin
Every scream to scrape my throat
Every crack to sway my bones
Every drop to stain my clothes
I am alive, and I will not waste the life I was granted
For I owe it to those who’ve given theirs for my sake
To those who offered their lives in exchange for mine.
To every life lost in my name;
My creation, my existence, my destruction.
To every tombstone
Every memory
I will live
My very existence is an ode to those I knew — to those I loved.
To every friend and every comrade.
To the people who went out of their way to make feel like I belong
That have made a place for me when I had none
The people that were my home.
I will live, for their legacy lives through me
I will live and wave our flag
And tell the world "We are here, and we are one."
I will not let them become a name among names
I will live
It does not matter where I was born
Or if I was in the first place
For birth never mattered, only death
As the grave will tell you how its inhabitant chose to live
What they chose to become
Who they chose to be
So, when the day comes that I shall die
Lay me by my friends
Let my nameless tombstone stand proud next to theirs
And let it tell my story
I am not ashamed of my choices, I am not ashamed of my life
If this birth is what it takes to have the honor of knowing them
Of fighting by their side
Of sharing a drink
I'll gladly do it again
I will live, and let the eight years of cold solitude fall behind me
I will not let their sacrifice be for naught
***