Archive of Our Own

Saaya does not know exactly when and how these feelings started. Perhaps she has always been fascinated by Arisa since the very beginning.

Arisa had been a mystery to her throughout middle school. They did not know each other back then, Saaya’s impression of her was confined in the aloofness the top student excluded. She knew of her, like every single one of their student body, of the small girl who did not show up to class yet always managed to get the highest scores in exams.

Saaya found that fascinating, oh how she wished she could be like that, too, having a spare 6-hour period in a day would allow her to help out more at her family’s shop and be more useful, certainly.

She had expected Arisa to be someone befitting of that impression, confident and aloof and had better things to do with her time than trivial matters high school students usually deal with. And when Arisa turned out to be the exact opposite, Saaya’s fascination only increased more. So much more.

An enigma. A puzzle. A very lovely-looking puzzle, who blushes so easily at the smallest of things. Saaya finds her cute. She also finds her worth caring for, because Arisa seems like someone who needs to be cared for.

She is guarded at first, but slowly starts to relax around them more, Kasumi the most. She does not always speak the things she truly feels, the opposite of them, rather. She worries over the smallest of things, the perfectionist she is, and has high standards for the things she treasures, enough to the point of stressing herself over them sometimes. She puts the comfort of other people over her own, and gets too lost in them once in a while.

Arisa seems like she needs someone to care for her. And Saaya has always liked to care for other people. It is natural for her, she thinks, to feel so drawn to Arisa like this. She likes the feeling of being needed.

Even though Arisa’s attention never focuses on her, Saaya is alright with caring for her in secret, in quietness and tranquility. At her own pace and volition.

When Arisa cares about something, she cares fiercely. Saaya likes that about her, the passion she hides behind evasive words and contradicting actions. The way she cares about PoPiPa, and about Kasumi in particular, makes her shine so brightly Saaya is sometimes afraid she might turn blind solely from observing that alone.

Arisa tries to hide it, of course, but such marvelous light cannot be concealed by any means. Not when Saaya pays so close attention to everything about her.

Saaya tries to hide that, too. Her affection. How much she cares. But the difference is Arisa will never pay close enough attention to her to figure it out. Saaya is alright with that. It is safer this way, too.

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She shows her affection in small, almost invisible ways. Fleeting enough for Arisa to not notice, but tangible enough for her own heart to sing and cheer and soar with warmth every time it happens.

She learns how to make omelette rolls in the morning and pack them with her lunch, in case Arisa does not bring them with her that day. Saaya will manage to find an excuse for a trade so Arisa can have the eggs and she will take whatever Arisa gives her then. She had asked Arisa’s grandmother for her recipe, but remained careful enough to mix some of her own touches into it so Arisa wouldn’t be suspicious.

Whenever exam period comes close, Saaya will make honeyed radish and keep warm ginger tea with her all the time. Because exams mean Arisa yelling at Kasumi and Tae so often her voice might get hoarse from it. Arisa never questions why she always has tea with her, her mind too preoccupied with getting their two bandmates through the storm ahead. Saaya likes her voice, it is nice and soothing and lovely, she does not want anything to happen to it.

The two of them are usually the ones in charge of cooking or preparing snacks whenever PoPiPa decides to come over to each other’s house. Saaya is good with cooking, it is something she has been familiar with her entire life. But the main reason for such a habit is simply because she likes to be in the kitchen with Arisa.

The smaller blonde always has a hard time reaching up to the cupboards or just the top shelf of the fridge. That is where Saaya comes in. Arisa thanks her ever time, but does not think too much about it. Certainly not as much as Saaya does.

Arisa also has this bad habit of not closing the few cupboard doors she can actually reach after taking whatever she wants from them, resulting in getting her head bumped into them a lot. Saaya remembers to cover the edge with her hand every time Arisa bends down on the counter, so the hard pieces of wood won’t knock into that pretty head of hers when she straightens up. She should have told Arisa about it, but Saaya just likes to be useful and needed, really.

She learns the names of all Arisa’s bonsai trees, just so when the blonde refers to them in such ways she won’t have to backtrack and explain to them which one is which again, not when Saaya can do that for her. She learns to identify which one is which in reality too, by sneaking into Arisa’s garden shed and observing them carefully, carving the different shapes and forms and leaf types into the most sacred part of her memory.

Arisa always looks happy whenever she talks about the bonsais. Her hobby. Her pride. Kasumi likes to tease her about it, but Saaya would never do that. She would love to hear more about them, rather. The reason why they fascinate Arisa so. But perhaps that is why Arisa would often blush in front of Kasumi and never Saaya then.

Fate has a strange way of arranging things. Saaya can not help but think about how she and Arisa were in each other’s life first, ever since middle school, long before Kasumi came at the beginning of high school. And when she did, Saaya remained as fixated on Arisa as ever, yet the one person Arisa became close with out of all of them was Kasumi.

It cannot be helped, she supposes. Kasumi shines brightly as the Sun. So much so it hurts sometimes, to Saaya’s heart and soul. But maybe Arisa does not feel it that way. The radiance draws her in, as it is supposed to. Opening her up, thawing the ice around her heart. The stark contrast to the blonde’s normal aloofness. Opposites attract, as they are fated to be.

And Saaya is fine with that. She has to be, because Kasumi and Arisa are both her friends.

This is not the first secret she keeps from them, from everyone. She suspects it won’t be the last either.

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Days and months pass. Nothing of significance happens. Nothing aside from the slowly growing affection blooming brightly inside her heart, with every single one of their encounters.

Saaya supposes it is her fault, then. To not nip this thing in the bud and allow it the freedom to grow so gradually yet strongly.

It is selfish of her to do that. She knows nothing can be born from this fascination, not for someone like her. But her whole life has been painted a dismal color for so long Saaya cannot bear to extinguish the tiniest flicker of happiness she dares to harbor.

Practice sessions with PoPiPa always lift her spirit, but Arisa’s rare fond smiles set her heart aflame. Lunch together in the courtyard is always a nice chance to catch up with all of her friends, yet the blonde’s exasperated yells and adorable blushes remain the sole highlight of her day.

Arisa is lovely, with her twin tails and hazel eyes and the way her cheeks puff in indignation every now and then. Saaya likes to look at her, a lot. She might not be very subtle with that, but it’s fine since Arisa never pays attention to her anyway.

Saaya realizes she is not alright, one day, when Arisa’s smile starts to hurt more than it soothes.

She might have been in way deeper than she thought.

Feelings, in any shape and form, are inherently selfish. Selfish, because they carry with them a burning desire to be acted upon. How she feels is her own business, because it impacts her and her alone. But actions are not warranted that kind of freedom, for they have the power to rattle the ground they walk on and affect other people within her vicinity. She does not want that to happen.

And so Saaya resists. She buries the feelings. She dissociates, from the longing and the expectations. From reality. Shoves them somewhere far away in her mind so they won’t affect the people she holds dear. Compartmentalizes them into neat, tiny drawers with clear warning labels to not be opened at any cost.

She is aware that it is not a good thing to do. A terrible coping mechanism, in fact. But she is familiar with it, has been doing it for so long that it has become second nature to her at this point. Something easy and safe to fall back into.

It is summer now. Her hands shake when Arisa looks at her. She keeps them out of sight and under guard.

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Today has not been a good day for Saaya.

She had stayed up late last night, completing the preparation for a big order to be delivered the next day. As a consequence, she could barely get four hours of sleep before the alarm rang. Waking up with low energy put her in a gloomy mood, easily triggered.

Then she also injured her wrists while carrying the boxes during the morning rush as well. Saaya could not complain because it was her own fault for being inattentive. Her wrists hurt when she moved them too much. She does not look forward to PoPiPa practice session later in the day.

Arisa brought omelette rolls with her lunch today. Saaya could only resort to watching her in silence, deriving the tiniest bit of pleasure from her scare smiles and the rarer light amusement in her eyes.

Sleep deprivation and wrist injury do not make for a good drumming session. Saaya can feel her performance suffer from that. Her fellow bandmates can, too, because such obvious, blatant mistakes cannot be hidden by how loud she tries to make the drumming work, to cover the slight mismatch in tones. Even Kasumi, a newbie to music, can discern there is something wrong.

Saaya is conflicted. She does not like that her friends are worried about her, it is her job to worry about them, not the other way around. But how Arisa’s hazel eyes focus on her now, Saaya cannot, for the life of her, say she dislikes the feeling of it. How concerned they are, unwavering in their regards.

Rimi is the first one to say something, “Saaya-chan, are you feeling alright? Your drumming sounds more troubled than usual.”

Out of all of them, Rimi is probably the most attuned to their music, the way instruments are supposed to sound when hamonized together in a band setting. She has plenty of experience listening to her sister’s band performing before, she knows how an out-of-tone note can disrupt the flow of an entire song.

Arisa and Tae are masters of their own crafts, of course. But they have not developed that kind of holistic view like Rimi has. Kasumi is still new to this kind of thing, so as long as they sound loud and cheerful and bright, their leader might not recognize if there is any problem. She is better at discerning how her friends feel by interacting with them, not by listening to their beats.

“I’m alright,” Saaya tries her most reassuring smile, “Just a bit more tired than usual, that’s all. Nothing a good sleep won’t fix!”

“Oh oh I’m the same too!” Kasumi raises her hand and waves widely in the air, “I always feel energetic whenever I wake up from a particularly long nap!”

“Stupid!” Arisa turns away from her then, to look at Kasumi instead. Saaya swallows thickly to keep her throat from shaking at the sight and clutches her drumsticks more tightly. “Have you ever not been energetic? Nap or no nap it’s always the same!”

“Eh he he… I can’t help it! I just feel happy and sparkly all the time!”

“Speaking of time,” The blonde gestures to the clock on the wall, “Didn’t you say you have a meeting with Yukina-senpai at five? If you don’t leave now, you’re gonna be late for that.”

“Shoot, I almost forgot about that!” Kasumi jumps down from the stage and pulls Arisa with her, “Come on, Arisa! You have to go with me! It will be an adventure!”

“What adventure?! We’re just going to Circle, that’s all!” The word “we” flows out of her mouth so easily, almost effortlessly. Saaya’s head spins. For all Arisa’s complaints, she never actually refuses any of Kasumi’s requests. Hazel eyes flicker toward her briefly, Saaya scrambles to hide the hurt in her own blue ones.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Saaya?” A small frown mars her beautiful face. The concern there is normal, not too out of place, so Saaya thinks she is successful in hiding her feelings in time.

She smiles and waves easily, even though her wrist still hurts, “Nah I’m good. You should go with Kasumi now, or she will somehow make Yukina-senpai upset with us again. It always happens if we’re not careful with her.”

She keeps her eyes on the keyboardist when the two of them climb up the stairs and disappear behind the hatch. Saaya hopes if she wills it hard enough, Arisa might come back down again. But it is futile, as always.

“Let me see your wrists, Saaya-chan.” Someone says from next to her side, but Saaya is too out of it to notice. Gentle hands touch her own, Saaya does not have the strength to pull free from such grip. Not now, at least. She will be back to normal tomorrow, definitely.

“Do they hurt?” When she finally turns around, Rimi’s patient smile is there to greet her. Saaya shakes her head stubbornly. It hurts, but Rimi does not need to know that. Saaya will not trouble her with such inconsequential thought.

“Then why are you crying?” A faint whisper. Caring and fleeting like the wind, enough to not hurt her any more than she already is.

Saaya blinks in surprise. It is only then that she realizes she is, indeed, crying. Tears are falling from her eyes, very few, but enough to be noticeable. Quiet tears, too, they bring with them no sound so Saaya was not even aware of their existence.

“I don’t…” To her horror, her voice seems like it’s on the verge of breaking too. The way it cracks with just two simple words. Saaya clears her throat harshly before continuing, “I don’t know why either. They don’t hurt, really.” But something else does. Saaya ignores it.

Rimi sighs, “They might hurt more than you realize then. Wait here, I will go ask Arisa’s grandma for some ice. Please try not to move your wrists in the meantime.”

Rimi is quick to act, her silhouette disappears from the hatch door then. Saaya exhales as calmly as she can. It is alright, she tells herself. Nothing a good night of sleep won’t fix. She has made it this far, she will make it as far as it is required of her, too.

A handkerchief appears in her blurry vision. Saaya looks up into Tae’s bright forest-green eyes, eyes that people can get lost in. How they are strong yet gentle at the same time. Saaya has no idea what Tae thinks about sometimes.

“Here. A handkerchief for a lady,” Saaya chokes out a small laugh at that. Tae smiles, “Lay cries sometimes as well. I always keep a handkerchief with me just for her. And now, for you, too, it seems.”

Saaya smiles at the tiny bunny embroidered in the corner. How cute. Tae talks about her bunnies and Layer the same way Arisa talks about her bonsai trees. With fondness and awed fascination. The things they adore with every fibre of their beings.

It is nice to hear them talk about those things. It makes Saaya hopeful, and sheds just a bit more color into her somber, troubling thoughts sometimes.

“Is this about Arisa?” Tae speaks up suddenly. Her voice is still soft, but the reality of the words shatters Saaya’s train of thought. “Your tears. The reason behind them. Is it Arisa?”

“How did you…” Saaya barely manages to stammer. Oh no, wrong direction. That was an admission in itself, something which Saaya is not ready for other people to know. “I mean… I don’t know what you are talking about. The sleep deprivation might be more severe than I thought. It is only that, really.”

Tae’s eyebrows furrow in displeasure. She puts a hand on Saaya’s shoulder, noticing how it has started shaking too, along with her voice. Saaya tries not to lean too much into the grounding touch.

“You’re so stubborn, just like Odd-chan,” Tae’s deep green eyes hold so much weight in them, “Saaya, you cannot tell Arisa to go, and then be upset when she leaves. That is not what we do to ourselves, and to the people we love. You need to be more truthful with your feelings.”

Saaya can only stare at her. The words do not make sense inside her head. More truthful with her feelings? Saaya does not understand how doing that would help her case, when it is so obvious how the consequences of such confession would turn out to be.

The hatch opens again, and Rimi returns with an ice pack in her hand. Saaya obediently holds out her wrist, watching as the bassist’s lips curve up in a satisfied smile. Saaya thinks she is not really so stubborn like Tae just said. She is perfectly capable of being pliant under the right touch.

“Rimi, don’t you think Saaya should just tell Arisa she likes her?” Tae abruptly asks. Saaya gasps at the girl in horror, and betrayal. But Rimi does not look too surprised by that, and only hums thoughtfully.

“Is that what this is about?” The raven-haired girl holds out her other hand expectantly. Saaya gives her her other wrist to be put the ice pack onto. “Saaya-chan, you’re afraid of confessing your feelings to Arisa-chan that badly?”

“You know about that too?” Saaya swallows nervously. If Tae and Rimi both know, is there any chance Arisa also already knows? The thought sends her into a panic. Because Arisa cannot know, not when Saaya has gone through so much trouble just to hide these unfortunate feelings from her.

“Does that mean everyone knows?” Saaya stands up and starts to pace around the room, footsteps rushed in worriness. She can feel Tae watching her like a hawk, while Rimi’s gaze only portrays her concern. “Arisa. My God, what should I do if she already knows? I need to…”

She needs to go away, far enough the intensity of her feelings won’t be able to reach Arisa, not before they dissipate. It would take a long time then, because the feelings have yet to do so in the one year they have gotten closer in PoPiPa, but Saaya can handle it.

“What you need,” Tae strides across the room and grabs the back of her collar, the way she would grab any of her bunnies. Saaya’s body slumps in defeat. “Is to talk to Arisa. It is killing you from the inside. We can tell. Saaya, you are crying in broad daylight over her already, it won’t be long until something else happens.”

“I thought we have been over this, Saaya-chan?” Rimi adds, reassuringly, “Your tendency to keep your feelings all bottled up until it breaks? You should tell her, before you break. Arisa wouldn’t want that now, would she? None of us wants that as well.”

The last time her feelings overwhelmed her was when she decided to leave CHiSPA, broken and without a word of explanation, and hurt her friends in the process of doing so. Saaya does not want that to happen now, not with PoPiPa, not with her current friends.

But should she be bold enough and confess, what would happen when Arisa says no? Wouldn’t that break up PoPiPa as well, too? Mess up their carefully-craved balance and freshly found rhythm. Can Saaya bear to be the harbinger of destruction like that?

“I can’t,” Saaya shakes her head, “I don’t think I can handle the rejection and everything it will bring.”

“If you don’t tell her, how would you know she is going to reject you?” Another piece of wisdom from Tae. Saaya tries not to scoff too harshly at the naivety of it. She takes a deep breath to calm herself. Tae and Rimi are her friends, they don’t deserve her frustration being directed at them.

Rimi wanders closer, slowly as if she is approaching a wounded animal. Saaya tries not to flinch at the mental image. The bassist takes hold of both her hands, gently so as not to aggravate her wounds. Saaya deflates at her touch. She might be a little more touch-deprived than she thought.

“You should tell her, Saaya-chan. Arisa-chan is not the kind of person who will look down on you for such a thing,” Of course, Saaya knows that. “Do it for yourself. We’re worried about you. Who knows, maybe the answer might not be what you expected.”

Saaya highly doubts that. Rimi would never say that if Kasumi is here. Still, it brings her some comfort to know her friends believe in her enough to think she might actually stand a chance.

She is becoming too volatile because of this. Saaya thinks maybe talking with the object of her fascination, and turmoil, won’t be a bad thing then. At least hearing the confirmation from the blonde herself would be a relief. And then she can work on getting over these sentiments more decisively.

No more hope to ponder over, surely.

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She finds Arisa in the garden shed, in the middle of the night, during one of PoPiPa’s sleepovers at the blonde’s place.

Saaya has always been a light sleeper. She is used to waking up at the smallest of noises, a habit formed from constantly being on alert for her siblings’ antics and her mother’s unstable health.

So when she hears some rustling coming from Arisa’s corner, followed by the sound of the door closing softly, Saaya is wide awake and ready to pursue the small blonde to see if there is something troubling her.

Arisa is talking with the bonsai trees again. Her elation is evident even under the dark night sky. It is endearing, Saaya cannot help but smile. Oh how she is just so, so fond of this girl and her quiet, reserved smiles.

“Arisa,” She calls out to announce her presence, softly so the sound won’t startle the blonde. It has the desired effect, judging by how Arisa simply turns and looks at her, the residual of her smile has yet to fade away.

She is so pretty under the moonlight like this, soft and gentle and not by Kasumi’s side. The brunette’s brilliance has a tendency to overshadow everything in its orbit, unfortunately.

“Saaya,” A simple acknowledgment. Saaya takes it as permission to venture closer to where the blonde is standing.

“I see Tamagawa has gotten bigger,” She smiles, noting how the bonsai tree’s branch appears to have lengthened since the last time she visited. She quickly says hello to the tree too, it would be rude not to.

Arisa’s eyes light up. Saaya’s breath catches in her throat at the preciousness of it, before the blonde turns back to the tree again, “Yes, it has. Isn’t it so cute like this?”

People always say pets take after their owners. Saaya thinks it must apply to trees as well. Because such a cute tree can only be the product of caring and nurturing from a cute person, too.

Arisa does not look at her anymore. Saaya allows herself the freedom to gaze at her longingly, like she has done so many times in the past. A few minutes pass in silence, Saaya does not mind. She would take all the time she could get with just the two of them together like this, and Tamagawa, too.

That is, until Arisa breaks the quietness around them, “You keep staring at me.”

If Saaya squints, she thinks she can see Arisa blush just the slightest bit. But her blushing over the smallest thing is a common enough occurrence, so Saaya does not read too much into it. “I do.”

She cannot find anything in her heart to deny, not when she has been caught red-handed.

“Why?”

Why? This is an easy one for her to answer, “Why wouldn’t I? You are lovely to look at. Tamagawa is cute too, of course, but certainly not as cute as you.”

“Gahhh! Don’t say that! Not out loud at least!” If Saaya says she did not expect such an outburst from her words, that would be a lie. Arisa can be predictable sometimes, with her tsundere tendency. Her face is a bright red now, Saaya thinks it is even cuter, if it’s even possible.

“Why would you ask me a question if you don’t expect me to answer honestly?” Saaya tilts her head in confusion. Arisa wouldn’t have to ask that, and then Saaya wouldn’t have to answer her. In fact, it is not like the blonde to ask her such a thing.

“I didn’t expect you to answer it like that!” The keyboardist exclaimed hotly, “It is not like you to be so straightforward!”

“Oh….” Both of them seemed out of sorts tonight, it would seem. Saaya hesitates. She does not know whether it would be a good idea to continue with what the situation can unfold, by trying to confess now. But they are kinda in this turbulence thing, a bubble. Perhaps this is something that should be left for another day?

“You are not always straightforward…” Saaya blinks when Arisa speaks up again, “I don’t… know exactly what you mean, sometimes. Because you’re so frustrating! Your words and your actions, they don’t match each other at all… And you make me confused.”

The drummer frowns. Arisa sounds like she knows, too. She knows, but she is not sure about it. Saaya must have done a terrible job at hiding her feelings then. Not keeping a tight enough grip on them so Arisa never has the slightest idea, but not letting them loose enough for the blonde to reject her with confidence.

“I’m sorry, it was not my intention to make you confused.” Saaya’s hands tighten into fists. Better get this done and over with. She tries to brace herself for the impact, “I’m sorry, too, for the way I feel about you. I hope you can forgive me. I don’t…. want PoPiPa to have internal conflict over this trivial thing. Or maybe I have overestimated my importance, because you guys can…”

“Why are you sorry for that?” Arisa cuts her words. By the way the blonde’s jaw is clenching so tightly, Saaya berates herself for bringing her even more discomfort.

“Because I made you uncomfortable with such advances, didn’t I?” Saaya sighs and scratches her head. She should have known better, “I try to hold them in, but I’m not very good with it, apparently. They have been there for a long time now, but I’m still not totally used to them yet.”

Silence stretches between them. Saaya feels like crying again. Maybe she can come downstairs and curl up into Tae or Rimi and just cry. They would understand.

When she takes a step back and is about to turn to go, leaving the blonde to her peace, Arisa’s voice stops her in her tracks. Her voice is soft and small, but Saaya is careful enough to catch the words before they can vanish.

“If I was uncomfortable, I would have said so.”

She cannot see Arisa’s face, not from this angle. But her ears are bright red, easily noticeable even in the dark. When the words register inside her brain, Saaya can feel a new wave of hope blossom inside her chest. So brightly it restricts her throat, making it harder for her to breathe.

“So… you’re saying…”

“I’m saying I’m not against it!” The words are blurted out so fast it makes Saaya’s head spin. But the implication is not lost on her, and the drummer grins happily at that. “Stop looking at me so weirdly! Keep your eyes to yourself!”

“But I have always looked at you, Arisa.” Saaya really cannot keep the fondness from seeping into her voice this time.

The blonde snaps, “I know! But you don’t have to make it so obvious!” She is so adorable Saaya would really like to hug her now, but the keyboardist looks like she might jump away from her arms. Baby steps, then.

But still, there is one more thing on her mind. Saaya needs to be sure, “What about you and Kasumi then?”

The red hue on Arisa’s cheeks retreats at that, as she frowns confusedly, “What does the idiot have to do with me? Don’t tell me the whole thing is a joke Kasumi insisted on you doing??”

“No, no I would never,” Saaya waves her hands defensively, “I just thought… you and Kasumi are a thing?”

“Why do you think that?!” Arisa almost yells. Saaya almost flinches. “There is no way, not in a million years, I would like that dimwit! Is your brain broken? Your eyes? What is wrong with you?!”

The drummer raises both her hands in surrender, fearful in the face of the blonde’s wrath, “You guys are always together, what was I supposed to think? Besides… you two kinda fit together. Romantically, I mean.”

The vein on Arisa’s forehead throbs so insistently Saaya is afraid it might burst soon. The keyboardist takes a deep breath and exhales, very slowly. The irritation is less evident when she speaks up again, “I hope you know how stupid and infuriating that sounds. Coming from you, of all people… I have suspected this before, but you’re really a masochist, aren’t you?”

Saaya does not need to admit it. Arisa has always known that, anyway.

“Does this mean you like me too?” Saaya tries again, hopefully.

Arisa only scoffs before turning and storming away, but not before Saaya catches her words and the way her ears turn a lovely shade of pink once more, “It means I’m not against it. The rest… let’s just wait and see. You! Don’t ever think or do anything so stupid again!”

Wait and see. Saaya can definitely do that. Not think or do anything stupid again… Now this one is harder. But for the slightest hope of Arisa ever reciprocating her feelings, Saaya would try her best to not irritate her anymore.

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They don’t talk anymore after that time. There is no need to, Saaya reasons, not yet at least.

Their behaviors do not really change, even after Saaya finally admitted her feelings and Arisa had not rejected those. Saaya still cares, and Arisa still lets her.

But now, in hindsight of the blonde’s forbearance of her feelings, Saaya realizes a lot of new things. Small, little things that show Arisa does care about her too, in her own way.

She never questioned before, why Arisa always keeps a bunch of bandages with her all the time, until one day a stray cat ends up scratching Saaya’s hand when Kasumi happens to stumble upon it and brings it to practice. It is not the first time this happens, and not the first time Arisa puts a bandage on her either, the blonde multitasking between that and scolding Kasumi ever so efficiently.

She never noticed before, how whenever Tae suggests they go out for dinner together, the keyboardist is always the first to veto any sushi place suggestion. She never says why, but now Saaya can guess. The drummer is not even aware of how Arisa knows she does not like raw seafood in the first place, let alone even remembers it every time.

She never realizes the reason Arisa prefers to light candles inside her basement sometimes. Always sea breeze scented candles. Saaya simply thinks the smell is soothing to her, and she feels lucky that at least one of Arisa’s preferences matches her own. Not until PoPiPa discusses their summer plan and Arisa off-handedly mentions they should go to the sea again because Saaya is so fond of it.

They care, but they don’t talk about it. Show, not tell. Saaya thinks they are the same then. A common ground, in the way they show their affections.

She wonders if there are more signs that she has taken for granted. Too busy being fixated on Kasumi and Arisa to the point of missing what Arisa has been trying to tell her all this time.

Arisa does care about Kasumi too. But her way of caring for the vocalist is more explicit. Louder, often accompanied by yelling and scolding and tired sighs. Saaya thinks at least she does not make Arisa as irritated as Kasumi tends to do. A point in her favor, then.

They remain in that steady state for a while. A safe bubble. Saaya is content to let this thing hanging between the two of them. Tentative and precious and pure. Enough for her to hide inside her palm and never let it be taken away from her grasp.

Until PoPiPa’s trip to Guam island. When Saaya is being stupid and irritates Arisa again, more significantly this time.

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She did not think about it, at the time. Before hailing a taxi to get Masking straight to the nearest hospital, the purple bruise on the other drummer’s ankle monopolized all her attention.

It is in her nature, after all, to never ignore a person in need of help. She is aware she can be too fixated on it sometimes, but Saaya never thinks of it as a bad character trait to have.

The ramifications of her actions only drew to her, when she was sitting in the lobby waiting for the doctor to check up on Masking. RAS’s performance. PoPiPa’s performance. Arisa. She immediately took out her phone with the intention of calling the blonde right away, but without Arisa’s mobile wifi connection, her phone was pretty much useless in this situation.

It could not be helped then. Saaya only sighed in resignation. Masking’s health was more important than all that anyway. Surely her friends would understand when she came back and explained everything to them.

By some miracle, Saaya and Masking returned to the venue just in time for their performances. Masking’s ankle did not suffer any permanent damage. Her friends were all worried, as they ought to be, but not to an alarming amount. Everything turned out to be just fine, and so Saaya could count the entire day as a success, in her book.

She misjudges the severity of the situation then, because at least one person can fiercely argue with her over that last part.

As soon as they set foot inside their hotel lobby, Arisa grabs her wrist and pulls her away from the group, completely ignoring everyone else’s bafflement. Judging by the tight grip around her wrist, Saaya can already guess she is in for a good scolding. Perhaps not too different from the ones Kasumi would often get whenever she screw up something so badly it annoys Arisa.

“What were you thinking?” Arisa starts right when they are far enough from other people. Saaya can only remain silent. She knows better than to interrupt the blonde when she is in one of her moods. “No, don’t answer that! Because you clearly did not think anything at all!”

Arisa starts to pace around, angrily muttering something under her breath. Saaya can only catch “stupid” and “irresponsible” and “dumb”. All words no one has ever used to associate with her before. She thinks it might be time to defend herself against such accusations. Not a good idea, but Saaya has to try.

“I’m sorry.” Opening with an apology is always a good start, admitting the responsibility to her, “You are right. I did not think it would take such a long time. I did not think about the lack of wifi connection. I apologize for putting you and the rest of our friends in a precarious spot. You guys must have been worried sick over our performance…”

“Who the hell cares about the performance!” Saaya jolts back in surprise. Arisa rarely swears, only on the special occasions she is extremely mad about something. “Idiot! Think about yourself for once! You went missing alone on a foreign island, without any way of contacting anyone or for anyone to contact you. How do you reckon I would feel about that?!”

Technically, she was not alone. Masking was with her. But something tells Saaya Arisa won’t be any happier hearing that right now.

“Would it kill you to tell me before you went?” The blonde continues to snap, “I was literally inside the tent, ten feet away from you two, and you couldn’t think to tell me you’re about to wander on a jolly joy ride with Masking?”

Saaya frowns, “You don’t have to worry about me. I was just fine. Masking was a big help too…”

“I don’t have to worry about you? What nonsense are you yapping about?!” Seems like every word out of her mouth only makes Arisa angrier. Saaya does not really know how to proceed with the situation anymore. She is not used to this kind of confrontation.

“You don’t…” Arisa clenches her jaw. Her face turns red again, but not from a blush this time. No, because Arisa looks like she is about to cry instead. Saaya scrambles to think of something else to say, something that would alleviate the blonde’s soreness rather than add to it.

Her body acts on itself, before her brain can finish thinking about it. One step forward, hands around Arisa’s waist to pull the smaller blonde into her arms. Arisa struggles in her hold, but Saaya is stronger than she looks. Perks of being a drummer, she supposes.

It takes the keyboardist a few minutes to calm down. Saaya rubs her back gently, mind still working hard to come up with the appropriate thing to say.

When Arisa stops shaking in her arms, Saaya tries her luck, “I’m sorry… I’m not sure exactly what I did to upset you so… But maybe you can tell me about it? Whatever it is, I promise I won’t do it again…”

“You can’t promise it,” Arisa mumbles, her voice sounds tired and resigned, a stark constrast of how heated it was just a few moments ago, “It is ingrained in your nature. You will do it again….”

“What will I do again?”

“Putting yourself in precarious situations to help other people, of course.” Arisa laughs, the sound bitter and spiteful. Saaya does not like it. “I know this. I fucking know this. You don’t take care of yourself. And you don’t let other people care about you too much either…. I know this, that was why I was hesitant…”

Saaya keeps rubbing her back. She knows that about herself, too. But she doesn’t know Arisa does not find it as easily tolerable as she does.

“Alright. Okay,” She exhales slowly, feeling her heart slow down its rushed beating to match Arisa’s, “Maybe you’re right. I can’t really erase that part of myself, that’s who I am. Have always been and will probably always be. I will try my best to take better care of myself from now on. Is there anything else I can do to ease your mind?”

“I don’t need you to erase that part of yourself,” She can hear Arisa scoff into her shoulder, “What I need from you, is to think about your own safety and well-being first! And tell me if you plan to do something stupid next time, for god’s sake!”

“Aww,” Saaya coos, softly so it won’t provoke Arisa too much, “It is cute of you to worry so much about me. You don’t need to, really. I can handle it perfectly fine.” It is the truth. Saaya has been dealing with everything just fine on her own before, this time is not any different.

The blonde keeps quiet after that, so quiet Saaya starts to get worried at the unusual silence from the normally verbal girl. She tries to lean back so she can look at her face, but Arisa’s grip on her back tightens, forcing Saaya to remain where she is.

“You keep saying that…. You don’t need me to worry about you… You don’t want me to worry about you…” Her voice shakes, even though Saaya doesn’t want it to, “Tell me, then. When you said you liked me, what were your expectations back then? How do you imagine we would turn out?”

Saaya had imagined Arisa would reject her, and they would stumble through a rough patch because of that, but her expectation had been they would reconcile quickly enough to not disrupt PoPiPa’s practice too much.

Arisa takes a step back, out of her arms. Saaya does not stop her from doing so this time.

“This is… a mistake.” Her hazel eyes are wary, face guarded. So similar to the Arisa she could only watch from afar a long, long time ago it makes Saaya’s heart ache.

“I know, from the beginning, that this is not a good idea. I know you, Saaya, you don’t deal well with people worrying too much over you. It scares you, goes against your nature, and suffocates you with all the expectations. The last time it happened, you left CHiSPA, didn’t you?”

“And I,” She chuckles then. The expression looks peculiar on her, because Saaya has never seen or heard Arisa chuckle before. “I will always care and worry about the people I like. A lot. If you don’t think you can handle that, you need to leave now. Before it ends up suffocating you and you have to run.”

All this time, Saaya has only ever thought about herself. Her own feelings, her actions and what they would entail. She only ever thought about the things leading up to her confession, but never beyond it. Now might be a good time to start.

She needs Arisa to understand that first. She knows, how Arisa can be insecure at times, when the people she cares for do not harbor the same feeling towards her. When the people she makes a priority do not treat her with the same courtesy.

Saaya remembers, clearly as if it was just yesterday, when Arisa just started joining them for lunch and Kasumi left her alone to follow Tae around like an eager puppy instead. How upset the blonde was, Saaya would never forget. Not in her whole life.

“When I think of you,” Saaya tries again. Arisa has not left yet so she takes it as a sign she is willing to hear her out, “I don’t think of you as a responsibility or a burden… You won’t suffocate me. You are my respite, rather. I like that you care about me too… I’m just… not used to being on the receiving end of it, I think.”

“And is that something you can be used to?” The blonde’s eyes are sharp, expectant. “Making me a priority in your life and listening to me because you know I would worry otherwise? Would that be too much pressure for you to bear?”

Saaya shakes her head. She actually likes the sound of that, having an anchor grounding her so she won’t always have to feel like she is floating aimlessly around without a clear sense of direction.

“Maybe not right now,” Arisa has said she is not always straightforward and honest with her feelings, Saaya thinks she should start now, “But I’m sure I can, if you’re willing to give me a chance?”

They might not be perfectly compatible with each other right now. Not like this. Not when Saaya does not know how to prioritize the important things to her, and not when Arisa does not feel secure enough with people’s presence in her life. But given time, Saaya thinks they can learn those things together.

Arisa is hesitant when she reaches for her hand, very slowly. But her fingers curl around Saaya’s own easily enough. It brings a smile to the brunette’s face.

Relationship necessitates learning new things about the other person and compromising to find common grounds. Saaya thinks the two of them are off to a good start, then.