Work Text:
November 16th, 2019.
Dear Yuki,
This is my first time writing to you. I’ve been wanting to do it for the longest time, but I never know what to say. It’s weird, isn’t it? You never seemed to mind if I rambled or spoke too little. But here I am, overthinking. I’m sitting on the floor with a pen in hand and a blank page in front of me, addressing this to someone who will never get to read it, just like with the last two entries.
An apology feels like the right way to start this letter. I won’t do it, though. I can almost hear you telling me not to be annoying and ruin the mood with something like that.
So maybe I should begin by letting you know that I miss you.
I keep thinking how the day we lost you is supposed to be my birthday. You said that, at that moment, I died as a curse, so I had to live on as a human. Is that considered a rebirth? I have no idea, but I don’t think it really matters. After all, I’ve lived long enough to know birthdays are supposed to be something happy, and I cannot find anything worth celebrating on the day that marks the beginning of your absence.
It’s been a year since then.
To be fair, I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I was convinced I would see you again sometime in December. I nearly did—please don’t get mad; it wasn’t exactly my fault this time— but I refused to leave just like that. You risked so much for me to live, so I cannot waste this chance.
And I’m trying… I really am. I live with Yuuji now, and he finally calls me brother, even Onii-chan ––although Fushiguro says he only does that whenever he wants something. I am learning to do human things like driving (I’m very bad at it) and getting a job (I finally get what you mean; Jujutsu High is pretty claustrophobic). I’m also attempting to keep an eye on that kid you trained and to make friends, although I’m not that good at that as well.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You didn’t tell me living as a human was this hard, that it could hurt this bad.
Dr. Ieri says that it will get easier with time. That there will come a day when I make peace with the fact that you are only a memory because I wasn’t strong enough to do anything to prevent you from dying. She swears that I will eventually not look for you every night above my head, behind the clouds; visit a planetarium only to leave it in tears, and write stupid letters in a notebook because I want to feel closer to you.
I never find the words to tell her that the idea of not thinking of you terrifies me. I’m scared that one day I’ll realize I can’t recall what your face looked like, what your voice sounded like, or how soft your skin was.
The truth, Yuki, is that you can’t miss something you don’t remember, and these memories are the only thing I have left of the first person who ever treated me like a human.
I read online that, sometimes, it is easier to remember numbers than words. So, I guess I’ll give it a shot. Here goes:
There was only one Tsukumo Yuki, and I was lucky enough to meet her.
I have two scars from that last fight against my piece-of-shit dad. I guess I like them now. It reminds me of what you once said: every scar tells a story. I just wish mine had a better ending.
There are three words I wish I could have said to you. I may still be a little clueless about life, but I know love, and I know that’s what I still feel for you.
Did you know that I didn’t sleep well for four nights after you first touched me? Of course you don’t. I never got to tell you that. That night, we started sharing a futon. You would always hug me in your sleep and mumble things in my ear. Sometimes, I found myself laughing because you didn’t stop talking even when fast asleep. I liked it. I really miss it.
I ruined five good pans trying to impress you and eventually Yuuji by being a good cook. Things didn’t go as planned. Master Tengen said they were easily replaceable, so I regret nothing. Yuuji says I’ve gotten better at it, both at cooking and not regretting things.
On our sixth day, you showed me that a touch can be warm and soothing. Thanks to you, I now know it’s okay to want to be taken care of for a change. Yuuji says you are to blame because I’ve become… I can’t remember the word humans use for this, was it needy?
I kissed you seven times, but I wish I could have done it a lot more than that. I was very conflicted at first. I even told Master Tengen about it, but all they did was coo and laugh. I guess that’s why they made us watch movie after movie about love, probably hoping I could get something, at least an idea, out of it. It didn’t really help; they made it look too easy, and what I felt was far too confusing. I had never wanted anything for myself, but I craved you. I knew I wanted to kiss you before I understood why humans do it in the first place.
I looked for your body for at least eight hours under the rubble. You deserved a proper burial away from the place you always said you hated. I found nothing but my brothers, your notebook, and the back of the Prison Realm. You have no idea how much that haunts me, even to this day.
I have nine brothers, and I wish you could have met all of them. They would have liked you. I just know it. I dream of a world where I see them grow up, grow old, and maybe grow roots far, far away in all the places you used to tell me about. In that world, you are by my side. And who knows, maybe you would have finally taught me how to ride a real motorcycle instead of that thing with tiny wheels that made you laugh for hours.
I am unsure if you noticed, but I left ten marks on your body when we slept together. I hoped that by doing that, I’d leave something behind so you could remember me when I died. I counted them when you were asleep. There was one on your neck, two on your chest, four on your thighs, and the rest on your back. I cried when the ones you left on me faded out.
It happened on our eleventh day together, right after the bar. I asked you if I was human, but a part of me already knew the answer. Only people can be this greedy, and the way I yearned for you can only be described as such. I also have to admit I didn’t like scotch, but I loved how it tasted on your lips.
It’s been twelve months since the twelve days that changed my life, but I think I’ll miss you forever.
I will always hate how I spent so long living in a tube so close yet so far away from my brothers. But Yuki, meeting you was and will always be worth the wait.
I’ll see you again - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. All I know is that when that happens, I’ll never let you go again.
I love you.
- Choso.