Chapter Text
A loud knock sounds on Alpha's door. That immediately knocks out Aylin as her visitor. It's too resolute to be a knock from Ongsa. Then, from the strength of it, it can really only be her mother. Or, to be more exact, her mother in a bad mood.
She knows what it's for before her mother even opens her mouth. She steadies herself for the incoming storm.
"Alpha, may I talk to you?"
She looks up from her homework to find her mother standing to her side, head held high just like she taught Alpha to do. Her arms crossed firmly along her chest, her eyes stirred with disappointment and disbelief.
Alpha pushes down her fear, or at least she tries to.
"Yes, mom?" She sets down her pencil and turns into her chair to face her mother. She knows better than to give her mother anything less than her full attention.
"I got a call from the school earlier today. You snuck yourself and your friends into the school after hours to mess around?" It's posed as a question, but it's evident in her tone that it's an accusation.
Alpha isn't surprised by it. She was the only one identified from last night's excursion. The security guard told the principal about her appearance, and she was called down for questioning. Alpha had banked on her exemplary record to keep her safe. Still, she knew the others, particularly her juniors, didn't have such a luxury. So she refused to give them up and took the blame for it all.
Of course, she did it for her friends as well as for Ongsa and Aylin, but it was mostly for her sister and cousin. She knew this would incur their mother's anger, and she knew she could handle it. She has been since what feels like forever.
Now, with said anger mere feet from her and hot enough to burn her skin, she doesn't know if that's true.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry, mother." Alpha bows her head in apology, but mostly to avoid the look in her mother's eyes. The look of her hope being extinguished.
"Yeah, neither do I." She steps closer, and Alpha feels her breath pulled from her lungs. "I'd expect something like this from Ongsa and Aylin, but not from you." Alpha can feel the intensity of her mother's glare on the back of her head, and it's all the more reason for her to keep her eyes on the ground.
"And to pull them into this. You'll only encourage their nonsense. How will they ever find success in life if people like you encourage them to keep their head in the clouds."
Alpha just nods along. Tears well up in her eyes, but she holds them back from falling. She has to remain strong lest she earn another scolding from her mom.
"Look at me, Alpha."
She does. Despite every bone in her body telling her to keep her head down, she meets her mother's eyes. In them, she sees every scolding she's ever received, every mistake she's ever made, and every doubt she's ever had. In those eyes, all she can see is everything wrong with her.
It takes everything in her not to cry.
"You're my hope. I need you to stay focused. Don't throw away all the work I've put in for you."
She waits for Alpha to nod, a satisfied smile on her lips. She rests a hand on her daughter's shoulder. The contact burns, and she wants nothing more than to pull away, but it's so rare that her mother offers her comfort. So she leans into it and swallows down the pain.
After a moment, she pulls back and moves toward the door. "Finish up your schoolwork before bed."
The click of the door closing alerts Alpha to her mother's exit and solitude. Finally, she lets a tear slip from behind her mask. But only one because she doesn't have time to cry. She has homework to finish and committee forms to sign.
She isn't able to go to sleep until way later than her usual time. She gets around the same amount of sleep as last night, staring up at the ceiling until she can no longer hold her eyelids open.
She hopes tomorrow will be easier.
…
But easy isn't in her vocabulary. Her mother made sure of that.
Her school day is filled with work. It's something she's used to as the student president, but today, the weight of it all feels almost unbearable. Especially with her thoughts still hung up on the break-in. She's filled with conflicting emotions, yet they all share one thing.
She's angry at her student committee members for disobeying not only school rules but also her direct order. She's angry at Aylin for letting her childish belief direct her there and at Luna for encouraging it. She's angry at Aylin for disappearing without any note of where she was going, leaving Alpha worried out of her mind. She's angry at herself for not seeing it coming. She's just so angry, but she can't show any of it. She is forced to tuck it inside while it destroys her.
Usually, she's better at holding it in. She doesn't get much alone time; when she does, she typically has a mountain of work to complete. There's rarely time for her to let anything she feels out. But she became a pro at concealing it.
Today is the first time she explodes in front of someone. She spots Aylin and Luna walking towards the committee room, and some part of her just snaps. She just can't look at Aylin without thinking about the trouble she caused. All she sees when she looks at Aylin is her mother's disappointment reflected back at her. And hearing Ongsa talking to her about the Astronomy club, it all hits Alpha.
She walks up to the two just outside the committee room. They turn to her, and Ongsa adopts a rushed smile. "P'Alpha, there you are. We were looking for you."
Aylin's frown remains. Her lips twitch in a way Alpha has come to learn as a silent scoff. " You were looking for her. I don't seek out humans."
Now it's Alpha's turn to scoff. "And how did seeking out aliens work out for you?"
Aylin's frown deepens. An element of sadness is present on her face, and a pang of guilt rips through Alpha's chest.
"That was one setback, but I won't give up. Not like you humans often do. Next time I'll find them."
Next time. She's going to do this again? Did she not learn?
That is when Alpha breaks. When she realizes that she's the only one who understands the consequences. The only one who cares about them because she has to deal with them. She protected Aylin from probation and from her mother, and now she wants to do it all again.
The anger builds up like poison in her lungs until she can't keep it down any longer. It stings worse on the way out.
"Aylin, you need to stop with this alien nonsense." Alpha pulls her cousin into the empty committee room, away from prying eyes. Ongsa follows them, tugging at the strings of her bag nervously. "It's like you don't care about the consequences it brings. You could have gotten in serious trouble." She shakes her head. "You would have gotten in serious trouble if it weren't for me."
Aylin pulls her arm from Alpha's grip. She glares back at her cousin.
Ongsa tries to speak up, "P'Alpha, that's not tr–"
"Humans like you could never understand."
Alpha feels the flames of her anger roar. "Understand what exactly? Useless fairytales?" She crosses her arms, puffing out her chest. "It's you who needs to understand that these childish dreams will only get you into more trouble. What are you gonna do when I'm not there to protect you? Because your little alien shtick is only gonna get you so far with so many people before it comes back to bite you in the ass."
Aylin moves back slowly. She tugs lightly at Ongsa's sleeve. This seems to wake up the other girl.
"When will you grow up?"
Ongsa moves forward, instinctively putting herself between Alpha and Aylin. Alpha pauses, not used to seeing her little sister being so protective. It reminds her of herself when she'd protected Ongsa and Aylin from bullies when they were younger.
Her sister opens her mouth to speak, probably to yell at her, but she can't find her words. She turns to Aylin, asks her if she wants to go home, and walks her out of the room. She sends one quick look back to Alpha before she's out of sight. Her eyes are full of fear. The same look Ongsa has whenever their mother raises her voice. The same look Alpha had before she learned better than to show anything that resembled weakness.
…
Alpha doesn't know why she blew up. She's always done so well at bottling everything. This time should have been no different. She knows it was too far. She knows Aylin doesn't deserve the anger she's letting out. It's not meant for her or for Ongsa. They're the least deserving. Yet, she couldn't stop herself from saying those horrible things.
She scolded them just like a mother. Just like her mother would.
Alpha feels ready to collapse, ready to absolutely break down. But she can't. She needs to stay strong, keep her head up, and remain calm and collected. She can't afford to explode again. Not when she's in school where anyone can see her. She sighs, sucking in a long breath to ground herself. It almost works.
She's about to try another one when she hears a knocking at the door. More company. She definitely has to pull herself together now. So she does.
Looking up, she finds Ongsa's friend, Charoen, who is also one of Ton's Mysterious Stories club members. She only learned her name recently because of her involvement in the break-in from the other night.
Despite her taller height, she looks so small standing there nervously. "S…sorry for interrupting." Her voice is quiet, so quiet Alpha almost doesn't hear her. She bows her head before walking into the room.
The student president fixes a smile on her face. The best smile she can muster at this moment. "You're not interrupting anything. What's up?"
"Tinh left his phone in here." Charoen points past Alpha to Tinh's phone sitting on the window. She walks past Alpha towards it. With her back to the older girl, she misses the way her shoulders tense, and her breath hitches.
"It wasn't recording, was it?" Of all the things that could be cemented in history, this would be the worst. Alpha knows she'll already be playing the moment on a loop in her head, criticizing herself for every little thing she did. She doesn't need an actual video of it.
"No. It wasn't." Charoen picks up the phone and slips it into her backpack. She tugs nervously at the straps of the bag before turning around.
She looks to Alpha with a rush of courage only to find a distant, unfocused look on the other girl's face. Her courage is immediately replaced with worry. They may not be friends, but Alpha looks out for everyone in the school, and Charoen feels like she should return the favor, even just a little bit. She's never seen the president so distressed.
"P'Alpha?"
The president is shaken from her thoughts and refocuses her attention on the junior before her. "Sorry." She pulls her forced smile, undoubtedly a mask, back onto her lips. "Something wrong?"
Here goes nothing.
"I…I overheard your conversation…with Aylin and Ongsa." Charoen watches as Alpha freezes, shrinking into herself slightly. It feels so wrong to see her as anything other than confident and assertive, a force to be reckoned with.
"You should be with them then, making sure they're okay." Alpha turns away from Charoen's gaze and moves around the committee room, looking for anything to keep her occupied. She hugs her abdomen tightly, holding herself up.
"Sun and P'Luna ran after them. They'll probably do a better job at cheering those two up than I can." Charoen inches closer to Alpha, trying to catch her eyes. "Besides, I wanted to check on you."
Alpha glances back at her, her brows creased in confusion. "Why?"
"Because it looks like you need some company." Charoen smiles back at her. It's so sincere.
"I'm fine," Alpha says, turning back away from the younger girl.
"No, you're not."
Charoen's words catch Alpha off guard. Her words are so resolute. Not something she expected from the clumsy girl who stumbled out of the school the night of the break-in.
"What?"
"You take care of everyone, protect them, offer a shoulder to lean on when they need it." Charoen puts herself in front of Alpha. "You're always carrying other's loads on top of your own."
Unable to avoid her gaze, Alpha steels herself, holding her mask firmly. "So?"
Charoen's smile is replaced with an incredulous look. "You're not a god, P'Alpha. You can't do all that, not by yourself. And you shouldn't have to."
What does she know? She's nothing like me. She doesn't understand.
That's what Alpha tells herself. To strengthen her own resolve or to keep herself from crumbling? She isn't sure. She feels tears sting her eyes.
"But it's my job to. It's what's expected of me." Her words come out strangled, but her gaze holds firm. Alpha is thankful at least some part of her still can. "If it's not who I am now, then it's who I have to beco–"
"It's impossible, Alpha." Charoen refuses to let her finish her sentence.
The loss of an honorific with her name shocks Alpha. She simply stares back at her junior, waiting for her to continue.
"No one can live up to those expectations."
Alpha remembers her mother's words. She has to make all her mother's effort worth it. She must do it for her mother and the rest of her family. She hopes those words will fuel her now rather than consume her.
"Then I'll have to be the first."
Charoen grabs her shoulders, shaking Alpha free from her thoughts of her responsibility. Charoen lowers herself to force Alpha to meet her gaze. She finds a calm swirl of browns mixing together like their own galaxy.
"You won't be the first. You'll just destroy yourself in the process." She pauses, pressing into Alpha's shoulder with her palms. It's strong, but it doesn't hurt. It's warm, but it doesn't burn. It's the first time the weight on her shoulders has ever felt…nice?
"I don't want that to happen to you, P'Alpha. Your friends don't want that to happen to you. Your family doesn't want that to happen to you."
Her family.
Alpha scoffs. "My family–my mom–is the reason I am doing this." She pulls away from Charoen's grasp, letting the bitter cold settle back over her.
"Well, Aylin and Ongsa don't want that to happen. I know that for sure."
"I just yelled at them. Treated them like like our mother does…" Alpha holds back bitter laughter. "I doubt they care much for me right now."
Charoen adjusts her glasses. She tilts her head closer to Alpha, trying to inch closer without scaring her away. "You tell me."
Alpha doesn't respond. She just said how she thought they felt. How could they feel anything other than hate for her right now? Charoen didn't see them. She didn't see the fear in their eyes. She was a black hole, pulling anyone close to her into her suffocating grasp. What more is there to it?
"Do you still love and care for your mom?"
"Of course."
Alpha answers without even thinking. The words leave her lips in a rush. However, they don't spill out like some hidden truth because Alpha always knew that no matter what, she'd always love her mother. She wouldn't do any of this if it weren't for the love she held for her family.
"Even with everything she puts on you?"
"Of course."
No matter how much her mother puts on her, she'll hold it. Even if it destroys her. And she'll always leave a shoulder open for her sister and cousin to lean on if they need it. Nothing can change that. It's a fact written in her heart.
"And you don't think they feel the same way? Or that they'd understand if you explained it to them?"
Her questions seem so silly to Alpha. Explain? Reveal the deepest, weakest parts of herself to the people she's supposed to protect. Shift the weight from her shoulders onto theirs? No, that has to be a joke.
But the crease of Charoen's brow indicates her seriousness.
"I can't." Alpha looks away from Charoen towards the window overlooking the front of the school. She can just barely see Ongsa and Aylin leaving. "If I can only be strong for two people, then it has to be them. They have their own problems, much worse than mine; they don't need that extra weight."
"And you do?"
Alpha falls silent. She contemplates her next words, mulling over them as if this were some sort of debate she needed to win.
"If it takes weight off of their shoulders, then yes. That's the only way I can help them."
"Then give some to me." The words fall from Charoen's lips with ease. It's like she doesn't understand the heaviness of her words. But the way Charoen pulls Alpha's hand gently into her own says otherwise. The delicate strength it conveys says she knows exactly what she's offering. "Let me help you ."
"How?" Alpha fixes her gaze on Charoen, back on the calm storm of her irises. Alpha wonders what lies behind her eyes, past the storm. She wonders if behind it all, behind her words, if there's truth.
"Any way I can. But I think I know a good place to start," Charoen says with a small smile that brims with light.
Charoen tugs Alpha's hand, pulling her into a hug. It's a little awkward at first, but it's warm. Warm in a way Alpha has never felt before. It's comforting without demanding anything in return, without expectation of a hug back or any kind of reciprocation. It feels good. Gradually, Alpha leans into it more, shifting more of her weight onto Charoen, who holds her up with only a slight struggle.
Charoen rubs her hand along Alpha's back in small circles, reminding her of the way her mom used to hold her. Before she started school. Before there was more expected of her than crying and throwing tantrums.
It doesn't take long for Alpha to cry after that. Her brain tells her to push away, find an empty room, and hide this vulnerability of hers, and she tries to do just that, but Charoen holds her tightly against her shoulder.
"Don't run away," she whispers into Alpha's ear. "Let me hold you. Let me carry some of the weight."
And against every synapse her brain fires off telling her to do anything else, Alpha lets go. She shifts all her weight onto Charoen, who slowly lowers them to the ground but never once loosens her hold on Alpha.
Alpha doesn't know how long they stay there for. It all blurs together like the tears in her eyes. She feels her energy drain from her body, and her eyelids grow heavy. Somehow, out of everything that drains from Alpha's body, Charoen's warmth never dims. It keeps the president grounded. It soothes the parts of her that were previously burned.
Eventually, when Alpha's tears have slowed to a stop, and she feels like she can at least pull herself to sit up, she lifts her chin to sit on Charoen's shoulder. Charoen feels the repetitive opening and closing of Alpha's jaw as she tries to find her words.
"You're the strongest person I've ever met, P'Alpha."
Alpha doesn't see it, but there's a glimmer that cuts through the storm of brown swirls. Charoen's hand cups the back of Alpha's head. Her gaze holds firm on the other girl, searching for any twitch of reaction.
"Even now?" Alpha asks through sniffles. Her voice wavers, echoing from her sore throat.
"Especially now."
Strong? How can this be strong? Alpha feels the furthest strong she's ever been. Strength is good grades. Strength is following the rules. Strength is commanding your emotions. Strength is the person her mother has been building her to be. There's no way this is strength.
"I know you were taught vulnerability is a weakness. And I know it can be hard to unlearn something you've had engrained in your head for years, but I hope you're open to try." Charoen bumps her head lightly against Alpha's. "I bet you'll be surprised at what you find."
Alpha pulls back from Charoen's arms, letting her hands drop to her sides. The younger girl continues to smile down at her. It almost feels like the light of the sun shining down on her.
"Are you coming after my wise older sister role?" Alpha asks through sniffles. The faint playfulness in her voice brightens Charoen's already luminescent smile.
"I prefer the wise, devout friend role, honestly. So I think you're safe." She pauses, a smirk replacing her shy smile. "For now."
Alpha can't help the laugh that escapes her lips. It's so obnoxious, nothing like the serious composure she's built. She hates it. She does her best to suppress it, but this situation is just so weird. Mere seconds ago, she was crying in the arms of someone she had informally met two nights ago. Now, they're sitting on the committee room floor, talking like nothing happened.
She isn't the only one who feels that way, as Charoen soon joins her. Her laugh is much prettier. It's a melody that someone could listen to forever, or at least Alpha could.
"Please don't tell anyone this," Alpha pleads as their laughter dies down. Her chest feels tight while she waits for an answer.
Thankfully, Charoen answers immediately. "I won't."
Alpha sighs in relief, the pressure lifting from her chest.
"So long as you promise to lean on me whenever the weight gets too heavy." Charoen catches onto the reluctance in Alpha's features quickly. Her fingers fiddle nervously at the hem of her uniform. "It doesn't have to be me, specifically. I just figured it might be easier with someone you don't really know."
"Plus, you've pretty much already seen me at my most vulnerable," Alpha says matter-of-factly.
Charoen offers a small smile. "That too."
Alpha brushes a hand through her hair. She leans her head back, looking to the ceiling as if the answer she needs is up there. Unfortunately for her, it's not that simple.
Still, after a moment to think, she faces Charoen. Her decision made.
"Alright. I promise."
Charoen extends her hand, pinky raised. Her smile is blindingly bright. "Pinky promise?"
And somehow, the situation gets even more comedic. Alpha tries, unsuccessfully, to hide her laughter. Charoen rolls her eyes in response before tilting her head to her extended pinky.
"Alright, alright," The school president says, reaching out her hand. "I promise."
She locks pinkies with Charoen, who shakes their interlocked hands. "It's a deal." She spares no more time picking herself off the ground and dusting off her skirt. After she's satisfied with her cleaning work, she extends a hand to Alpha.
"Can I show you something? Well, someplace, really." She kicks her foot lightly against the ground. "That is if you don't have anything else to do. I promise it'll be quick, but I won't keep you if you ne–"
Alpha accepts her offer, taking her hand and pulling herself up. It's easier with someone helping. Lighter. It's nice.
"Sure."