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The explosion threw Steve off of his feet, sending him ass over tea kettle to boot. He grit his teeth in irritation. He hadn't seen what had caused the Doombot cluster just ahead to blow up but he had a pretty good guess.
"I thought I told you two not to mess around on the battlefield," he growled into his comms.
"Aw, Cap," Tony whined. "Don't be such a spoilsport. We're not 'messing around,' we're 'finding inventive ways to eliminate the enemy.'"
"Yeah," Bucky drawled. "What he said."
It did nothing to lessen the scowl on Steve's face as he turned to nail another Doombot with his shield.
"I'm with Cap on this one," Clint cut in, and Steve spotted one of his arrows arching overhead. "Seeing the two of your flirt at the tower is bad enough. I don't want to have to deal with your nauseating, 'let's blow shit up to show the world how much we care,' lovey-dovey-ness out here, too. It's distracting."
Someone made a loud smooching noise and Steve honestly couldn't tell who.
"Ooh! I spotted Doom! How about I fry his ass and stick a huge bow on his head? It'll be like an anniversary gift, Buck-a-roo."
"It's not our anniversary."
Steve didn't have to be able to see Tony to know he was pouting.
"I know that. At least give me a little bit of credit, jeez. I said 'like,' didn't I?"
"Enough," Steve cut in before things could escalate any further. "What are your coordinates, Ironman? Do not engage without backup."
Tony laughed nervously.
"Too late?"
"Coordinates, Ironman," Steve bit out, wishing viciously that someone else was in charge of these idiots, anyone else.
"I've got eyes on him," Clint supplied helpfully. "Take the alley to your left and he's five blocks over. Wait, Bucky! Don't-! God dammit. I don't get paid enough for this bullshit."
Steve was already running full-tilt towards his teammates.
"What's the situation? Hawkeye, report!"
"Okay, okay! I know I'm deaf but the hearing aids mean you don't have to yell," Clint groused, cluing Steve in to the lack of real danger. "Your sidekick, Boy Wonder, vaulted off of a building to land on Doom's back and keep him from getting the edge on Tony. Now the two of them are doing some weird imitation of bull riding."
Steve was just rounding the corner to catch sight of the action when Bucky growled over the comm.
"I'm not a damn sidekick."
"Of course not, sugarplum." Steve spotted Tony hovering off to the side in a pose that looked suspiciously lounge-like. "You're very…hmmm, Batman? You did have that whole brooding thing going for you upon arrival. Is there a cheery version of Batman?"
"You're the billionaire." Oh, God. Natasha had even decided to join the conversation. "Shouldn't you be Batman?"
"Nah," Bucky answered before Tony could. "He's the Green Lantern. Anything he imagines, he can make a reality."
"Damn. See? This is why he's my favorite."
"I'm your favorite cause I suck your co-"
"Nope. No. Absolutely not. Nuh-uh. No way. Negative. Nix. Never. Not of your life. Not of both of your lives. Do not finish that sentence. Oh, hey! Do that again! When you pull his arm up like that is exposes a gap I'm pretty sure I could fit an arrow head in."
Doom corkscrewed, nearly ramming Bucky into a building in an attempt to get the man off his back.
"Oh, yeah," Bucky spoke through gritted teeth, "because I'm calling all the shots here. Gimme a damn minute. I'll see what I can do."
"So clearly Cap is Wonder Woman. Who's Thor?"
"Ironman, now is not the time."
"Superman? Nah, his entire planet didn't blow up," Clint said, completely ignoring Steve right along with the rest of them.
"I'm going with the Martian Manhunter. Fu-" Bucky's curse was cut off my him growling. "Hold still!"
"He's a supervillain, dear. I don't think he's just gonna follow orders."
"Thor is obviously Hawkman," Natasha cut in.
"Where is Thor, anyway?"
"He shorted out his comm unit a while ago. Tell that boyfriend of yours to hurry up and get with the program. I'm getting tired of standing here with this arrow nocked."
"I will drop this dickbag and come over there, Clint!"
"Don't worry, hun. We'll get him back later. The Hawkman suggestion is growing on me. I'm in. So Hulk's Superman?"
"Agreed, though he'll be jumping through buildings with a single bound instead of over them. Can we use that chemical compound thing Bruce told us not to touch?"
Tony's exaggerated gasp came over the comms loud and clear.
"It's like you can read my mind."
Steve covered his face with both hands.
"You are not attacking Hawkeye with unstable chemicals. Can we please focus on taking Doom down?"
"Excuse you, Stevie! I'm the only one doing any real work around here."
"We're here for moral support, babe. You've got this."
"I know I've got this. Doesn't mean a little help wouldn't be nice!"
Doom yelled something Steve couldn't quite make out.
"I think Natasha would make a good Batman, too," Tony continued on casually. "Can there be two Batmans?"
"No, there can't be two Batmans. Are you crazy? Ooo! You almost got it that time, Bucky! Just a little higher!"
Bucky uttered something that might have been a grunt but might have also been a 'fuck you.'
"I like this 'two Batmans' theory."
"Oh, come on, Nat! You're only saying that because you want to be Batman!"
"Of course she wants to be Batman, who wouldn't want to be Batman?"
Hulk roared from somewhere in the distance. At least now they knew where all the Doombots had gone.
"I, for one, am perfectly happy being Green Lantern."
"You got it! Hold it! Hold it!"
Steve looked up to spot are arrow streaking across the battlefield to bury itself between the armor Doom wore for his torso and the armor that covered his arm. The villain continued to flail for a few second before dropping, Tony sweeping in the snatch up Bucky.
"That wasn't lethal, was it?" Steve had to ask.
Doom wasn't moving from his heap on the ground.
"Nah. Just a high powered sedative."
Tony was hovering above the pile that was Doom with Bucky clutched bridal style in his arms. His faceplate turned toward Steve.
"So you guys have totally got this, right? Bucky and I were thinking-"
"No, Ironman. You stay for cleanup. And debrief."
"What's that?" Tony made some noises that were probably supposed to sound like static. "I can't-" more noises, "hear you! You must-" a few more, "going through a tunnel!"
Ironman took off. Steve was starting to seriously regret all the effort he and Natasha had put into getting those two together.