Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I loved you in secret
First sight, yeah, we love without reason
Oh, twenty-five years old
Oh, how were you to know?

The words echoed throughout the stadium, as the audience of thousands of people sang them back up at the stage – at the stage, where a young woman was standing alone in the spotlight, a guitar slung over her shoulder, her brownish-blonde hair slightly curly and damp from the rain.

She stood there, all alone, with just the guitar in her hands, playing the chords almost effortlessly while her eyes roamed the crowd. A crowd of lights, like little stars, each one representing a different person, all of them having just one thing in common: they were here tonight. All of them were here, thousands of people had come to see her, like at every single one of her shows. Thousands of people were here tonight, and yet, the one who mattered the most to her wasn’t.

The woman blinked back tears as she sung the next lines, drops of rain running down her face and getting caught in her lashes. 

My love had been frozen
Deep blue, but you painted me golden
Oh, and you held me close
Oh, how was I to know?

Three months. It had been three months since the breakup. Thirteen weeks. Ninety-one days. Approximately 1,184 hours. And yet, she still couldn’t let go. She was still stuck in the past, still wishing for things she could never have.

Because Lover deserved better. She deserved everything. But Reputation couldn’t give her that. She had learned it the hard way.

It had all gone to hell, that one day in February, almost exactly three months ago. Their relationship of almost one whole year, destroyed within the time of a few minutes. And all because Reputation could never be enough. Because she didn’t know how to give Lover peace, even if it was the thing she wanted most in the entire world.

She would give everything just for one more moment with her ex-girlfriend. Just one more dance, one more kiss – however short it might be.

But the world couldn’t know that. No one could.

The music was all she had – this song that she had written on that very day, three months ago. And she held onto it like she was drowning in a stormy ocean, drowning without any hope of rescue. Drowning alone, in the sea of her own actions, her own decisions.

Memories were all that was left now.

I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it
I had a bad feeling

There was anger in her voice, now. Anger that was directed at those people in here, who had no idea what she was going through. Anger directed at Lover for just giving up on Reputation when she had decided to leave, even though she knew that this wasn’t Lover’s fault. Anger directed at the paparazzi, the crowds, all these stupid bitches who dared to call themselves her “fans,” for taking away the one thing she had ever really wanted, the one person she could ever fully trust. But most of all, she was angry with herself. Angry, because she had let them take Lover away. Angry, because she had just run away like a scared little girl, thinking it was for the best. Not realizing that she would lose the love of her life, by doing so. Angry, because she couldn’t go back now, no matter how much she wished she could.

It was too late to change anything.

And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis
People started talking, putting us through our paces
I knew there was no one in the world who could take it
I had a bad feeling

The tears were now freely streaming down her face, and she was helpless to stop them. Still, her voice was mostly steady. Still, her hands kept on playing the chords she knew so well. Still, the music was carried out over the crowd, and still, forty-five thousand people sang them back up at her.

She went on like that for the rest of the song, just kept holding on to the music while she was drowning. Kept playing the chords on her guitar as if the music, and only the music, could save her. And all along, she kept crying, because they could never have a future together.

She was on her own, now. She always would be on her own. Because once you had experienced even just a fraction of true love, you could never go back to those meaningless flings. Reputation just knew that, no matter how hard she tried, she would never again be able to kiss another girl – or even a boy for that matter – without thinking about Lover, without wishing it were her lips on Reputation’s, instead of some stranger’s, without wishing she would be able to feel her touch just one more time, without thinking about all the what-ifs. Wondering, what would’ve happened if they never had gone out that night, what could’ve been if they had only stayed in private, keeping their relationship out of sight from the public.

She should’ve known it wouldn’t work.

And now she just felt stupid.

As she reached the bridge of her song, the rainfall all but doubled, now pouring down in heavy curtains, drenching her wet.

She was grateful for it.

At least the weather fit her mood. And maybe, just maybe, people wouldn’t be able to tell just how badly she was crying, through the rain. It was still going to be all over the internet, though. Reputation knew that.

I'd kiss you as the lights went out
Swaying as the room burned down
I'd hold you as the water rushes in
If I could dance with you again
I'd kiss you as the lights went out
Swaying as the room burned down
I'd hold you as the water rushes in
If I could dance with you again

If only, she thought. There was honestly nothing in the world she wouldn’t give just to see Lover one more time. Just to get one more chance. One more chance to make things right, after everything had gone so horribly wrong.

Lover had always said that true love was golden. And Reputation had started to believe her. Against her better judgement, she had started to believe that their love was real and golden, like daylight – that it would be the end of all her darkest nights, of all the loneliness. Lover had taken all her sorrows away from her, had made her forget about her doubts and insecurities, had made her believe again. She had somehow managed to paint Reputation golden, even when she knew she was anything but.

But now Lover was gone. And the daylight had faded with her, leaving Reputation all alone in a never-ending starless night, a dark abyss that she couldn't escape.

Chapter Text

Approximately eight-hundred miles away, up on the third floor of Cornelia Street 23, New York City, Lover was sitting on the broad windowsill in her kitchen, staring out of the window, down at the dark and rainy street. Her cat, Benjamin Button, purred quietly in her lap as she caressed him gently, completely lost in thought.

She felt lost, all alone up here in the kitchen where she once had spent days and nights alike, together with… No. She wouldn’t think about that right now. She was not going to spend another night locked in her bedroom, crying because of a relationship that had ended three months ago. Not when she should be out there, catching up with her friends, not when she had a photoshoot scheduled for tomorrow morning, not when she should be moving on.

But, honestly, how could she not be crying?

Lover blinked back tears and averted her eyes from the street, instead looking down at her cat. He was lying in her lap, his eyes closed, his back rising and falling slowly with his even breathing. “I’m such a mess, Benji,” she muttered, her voice shaking with tears that she hadn’t yet allowed herself to cry.

There was no response except for the quiet of her kitchen.

The pastel-colored posters and decorations felt so out of place now. There was no light left here, not with… Not without Reputation.

For weeks after they had first met – about half a year before they started dating – Reputation had used to make fun of her for all the colors that seemed to follow Lover wherever she went. At first, the snide remarks had led Lover to believe that the other woman truly despised her with every cell of her body, but soon enough she had learned that that wasn’t the case at all.

They might be the exact opposites of each other – Lover all bubbly and confident, with her colorful clothes and light brown skin, her hair tips always dyed in a different color, radiating a warmth like the coziest of summer days, while Reputation was anything but. She was one of those dark, starless nights, where the only lights were those of a city, and it was hard to tell whether the morning would ever come, at all. She was almost always dressed completely in black, a great contrast to her pale skin, her make-up flawless, the sharp cat eyes drawn perfectly.

They were the exact opposites of each other – day and night, summer and winter, Lover warm and welcoming where Reputation was cold and distant. Yet, they completed each other in a way that no one else ever would be able to.

They had been perfect until they weren’t anymore.

Lover covered her hand with her sleeve and wiped away her tears. Months ago she had sworn that, if they ever broke up, she would never return here. And yet, here she was – alone in her kitchen at two AM, crying because of something that shouldn’t matter anymore, but still did. She had thought that she would be able to just leave this behind, to start over, find someone else to love.

She had been lying to herself all along.

Lover reached for her phone that was lying on the table next to a vase of welted flowers and unlocked it, quickly checking through her new messages. There was one from her cousin, Folklore, asking how she was, and several from Midnights and Red, each of them even less important than the one prior.

She swiped them away. It was a bad habit she had picked up in the past few months – just ignoring her friends each time they reached out. She couldn’t bear the thought of their empathy – not when they would never understand how she really felt, no matter how hard they tried.

The only person she actually wanted to talk to, the only person she wanted to see, was hundreds of miles away, in a different state. And Lover knew those feelings probably weren’t mutual. Reputation had surely forgotten about her long ago – seeing Lover again, seeing the girl who had broken her heart that one night three months ago, who had left her alone at the slightest inconvenience was probably the last thing Reputation would want.

Lover scrolled through her for-you-page, intending to distract herself from those thoughts. Mostly, it was just a collection of cat videos and art posts, but then something else popped up, and she froze, her finger hovering just mere millimeters above the screen.

There she was – beautiful as always. Due to the rain, her hair was starting to take on its natural, slightly curly structure.

Reputation.

Wearing her black jacket that was covered in dozens of patches and that she wore on every single one of her shows.

Lover silently read the caption of the post: She performed Dancing With Our Hands Tied as a surprise song!! First time she ever played it live!!

As far as she could tell, the video had been uploaded mere hours ago. Lover hesitated for only a moment, before she clicked on the video.

She knew that this song – Dancing With Our Hands Tied – had been released nearly two months ago. But until now, Lover hadn’t been able to get herself to listen to it. It was weird, really, because she loved all of Reputation’s music, and just a year ago, she probably would’ve played the song on her speaker the second it was out. But she guessed part of her knew that this song was about her. About the relationship she had fucked up so bad. She knew – just like the rest of the world did. And if she was being completely honest with herself, maybe she was a bit scared of what Reputation had to say about it. Because deep down, Lover knew that this was all her fault, even if her friends kept telling her otherwise. Deep down, she knew that Reputation had every right to hate her, and that she had every right to put those feelings into a song.

I loved you in spite of
Deep fears that the world would divide us

The sound of Reputation’s voice in the quiet of her kitchen felt so out of place after three months, yet so right at the same time. It was a familiar sound – one she had fallen asleep to after many long nights, and one she had used to wake up to in the mornings. She could almost pretend that Reputation was here with her now, sitting next to her, playing that song on her guitar, just for Lover to hear. Like she had done with so many other songs before, mouthing I love you in between lyrics, with that stupidly adorable smile on her face.

But that had been different. Those songs had been love songs. This one wasn’t. And Reputation wasn’t here, no matter how much Lover wished she were.

So, baby, can we dance
Oh, through an avalanche?

Much to her astonishment, Lover noticed that there were tears in Reputation’s eyes. Tears that she was trying to blink back. She looked – and Lover realized that she was probably one of the few people who would ever notice this – Reputation almost looked lost on that stage. Like she was fighting in a battle no one else could even see. Maybe it was just Lover’s imagination. But then again, she had learned to read Reputation in a way that no one else could – had learned to notice every single detail about her, knew all of her behaviors by heart, had learned about her past, all her fears and her worst nightmares, as well as the beautiful daydreams she had been too scared to tell anyone about.

Lover had spent months getting to know her, promising that it would be okay, promising that she wouldn’t have to live through all that shit again, that not everything had to end in a catastrophe.

But then she had let her down anyway.

And she hated herself for it.

She hated herself so much, even more than she had done before she had met Reputation, before Reputation had made her forget about her own insecurities.

She wished she could just go back in time and turn things around. Make it right. Keep their love safe, instead of just letting go.

And say, say that we got it
I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted
Oh, cause it's gravity
Oh, keeping you with me

Lover paused the video and put her phone down, leaning her head against the cool glass of the window. It was all too much. She understood now why she hadn’t been able to get herself to listen to that song before. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t stand hearing the pain in Reputation’s voice, seeing the tears in her eyes, knowing that it was all her fault.

She wished she could tell Reputation that she was sorry, even if those words probably wouldn’t change anything. She wished she could get just one chance to make things right again, to tell Reputation that they would both be okay, even if they might not have a future together in this universe.

She wanted to let her know just how much she regretted her rash decisions, her turning away when, only weeks before, Reputation had promised to stay with her, no matter what would happen.

She was a coward.

And sometimes she thought that maybe the world would be better off without her. Reputation surely would.

But then again, she was also selfish. She wanted to hear Reputation’s voice again, wanted to talk to her, even if it was just for one short moment. Wanted to pretend that everything was still alright.

And judging by that song that she had just heard for the first time, judging by the performance she’d seen… it almost seemed like Reputation missed her just as much as she missed Reputation.

Lover still had her phone number saved in her phone. And even if that wouldn’t have been the case, she knew it by heart.

Before she could change her mind, she had already opened Reputation’s contact and pressed the call button. Then she just sat there, her phone pressed against her ear, anxiously worrying her lip, waiting for her ex-girlfriend to pick up.

After a moment, she remembered that it literally was the middle of the night. Chances of anyone still answering their phone right now were about zero. This was so stupid. She was stupid for ever thinking they still had a chance of working things out. Maybe she should just cry herself to sleep right now.

She was about to hang up, when a sleepy voice answered the other end of the line.

“Hello?”

Lover thought her heart stopped right then. Until now, she hadn’t even realized just how much she had missed Reputation, missed hearing her voice, missed talking to her. If she had picked up, that had to mean that she wanted to talk to Lover too, right?

“Who’s there?” Reputation asked, her voice a bit clearer now.

And just like that, all of Lover’s hopes were shattered, her heart broken into a million pieces. Reputation hadn’t saved her number. Hadn’t even recognized it.

“Sorry,” she choked out, “wrong number.”

“What…” But before Reputation could even finish the sentence, Lover had already hung up.

She ended up crying on the kitchen floor at three AM, knowing damn well that she would look horrible the next morning, no matter how much make-up she put on. She’d have to call her manager, early in the morning, and somehow convince her to reschedule the whole photoshoot, even though this was already the third time that Lover wouldn’t be able able to show up.

Now that Lover knew that the love they’d once had was truly lost – just as dead as the flowers on her kitchen table – she finally managed to listen to the whole song.

Reputation’s voice sang her to sleep, as she held on to those bitter-sweet words that once had been written for her, but that would never truly belong to her.

I’d hold you as the water rushes in
If I could dance with you again

Chapter Text

It was too loud. Reputation couldn’t turn her thoughts off, couldn’t get a grasp on anything. There were too many people here, in this crowded bar, and the lights were too bright and moving too fast. The alcohol in her system wasn’t making it any better, either.

She wanted to go home… But was there even a home anymore? No apartment, no house, would ever be enough again – not without Lover’s warm presence there, not without the sound of her laugh, not if Reputation woke up just to find Lover’s side of the bed cold and empty in the morning.

She should’ve gotten used to it by now. Three months should’ve been enough. But the pain only seemed to get worse with each day that passed. Her heart only seemed to break a little more each time she got excited to tell Lover about a special event, as soon as she got home, just to remember that the other woman wouldn’t be there anymore.

She stared down at the drink in her hand, fighting back tears. She would not cry tonight.

“Are you okay?” her friend 1989 asked, a worried expression on her face.

“I feel sick,” Reputation said, her voice a bit slurry. “I think I’m maybe gonna cry.”

“Hey…” she felt 1989’s hand on her arm, patting it gently. “Do you wanna get out of here? I can get you home if you don’t feel like being here.”

Reputation shook her head. “No. I don’t… don’t want to go home.” She bit her lip in an attempt to hold back the tears. It was getting harder with every second.

“Talk to me, please,” 1989 said. “What’s wrong?”

“I…” Reputation started, then cut herself off as a sob shook her entire body.

In an instant, 1989’s arms were around her, pulling her into a hug. Her friend reassuringly patted her back, holding her close. “Hey, it’ll be okay.”

“I just want her back,” Reputation sobbed. “I want… want my Lover back.”

1989 pulled back, looking her friend in the eyes. “I’ll get you out of here, okay?”

Reputation’s attempt at protest was quickly cut short when 1989 simply grabbed her arm, pulling her along through the crowd.

Once they had left through the backdoor, 1989 sat down on a bench and pulled Reputation down next to her. “It’s okay if you still miss her. Maybe it’ll go over, but maybe it won’t. And that’s okay.”

“I don’t want to miss her anymore.” Reputation looked at her, her face wet with tears, pure desperation in her eyes. “I just want her back.”

“I know.” 1989 handed her a tissue, but instead of drying away her tears, Reputation just clung to it, crumbling it in her hand, squeezing so hard that her knuckles turned white.

“I need her.” Reputation’s body shook with sobs. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Shhh, baby, you’ll be okay.” 1989 hugged her again, and Reputation rested her head against her friend’s shoulder.

“I… I just… can’t.”

“You’re a bit drunk,” 1989 told her, keeping her voice calm and even. “You’ll feel much better about this in the morning. I promise.”

“I… won’t,” Reputation croaked. “It never goes away.”

1989 stayed quiet after that, just holding her friend while she cried. Once Reputation had calmed down a bit, 1989 got out another tissue and handed it to her friend. “Clean yourself up a bit, okay? I’ll just find one of the others and tell them that we left earlier.” She gave Reputation a reassuring smile. “You’ll be okay. I’ll be right back, just stay here.”

1989 vanished through the backdoor, leaving Reputation alone. She sat there for a moment, unable to form as much as just one clear thought, her mind a mess and her heart aching for the love she couldn’t have anymore.

Her hands seemed to have gotten a life of their own as they slowly opened her purse, pulling out her phone, and before she even knew it, she had opened Lover’s contact and was typing out a message. Of course she still had her number saved, even knew it by heart. It had been stupid of her to pretend otherwise the other night, when Lover had called her. She shouldn’t have done that, should’ve just talked it out back then. But… then again, Lover had said that she’s accidentally called the wrong number, hadn’t she?

That one sentence had been enough to make Reputation cry for hours when she should’ve been sleeping instead. She’d barely made it through her show on the next day. But that wasn’t Lover’s fault. None of this had ever been Lover’s fault.

Her thoughts were hazy. All she knew was that she needed to fix this, needed to let Lover know how much she still loved her, needed to hear her say it back, needed to taste her lips and feel her skin and hold her close and wake up in her arms and listen to all the things that made her excited and that she would always talk about for hours and hour on an end – something that most people would probably view as annoying, but that made Reputation’s heart do weird things inside her chest, and that made her hope that it would never stop, that she could just listen to Lover’s voice every second for the rest of her life, even when she was too tired to understand the words, even when she should be doing other things, even if she knew that that could never happen.

Lover made her long for things she’d never even known she needed.

Things she had spent years convincing herself that she didn’t need.

Because she’d known that if she allowed herself to fall in love, to truly trust someone again, it would only end in pain. But maybe Lover had been worth it. Maybe the short time Reputation had got to spend with her, had been worth all the sleepless nights, the tears cried in bathroom stalls at parties that Reputation didn’t even want to be at in the first place, the way her heart hurt from getting broken into a million little pieces each time Lover crossed her mind.

And little did she know that she’d do it all again if she ever got the chance.

Even if it would end just like this.

It was cursed, but she would give up everything if it meant that they could go back to their secret little world, where nothing mattered, except the two of them, happy together.

Reputation:
i muss you
plewas come back
loverrrr
i wnat you back
plrease

She waited for a moment, not sure what more she was supposed to say. The words seemed to have got stuck, just like the lump in her throat, as she stared at the screen, waiting for her ex-girlfriend to reply.

But it was late. 1:58 AM, a glance at the clock, in the corner of her phone, told her. Maybe Lover was already asleep. Probably.

She wasn’t ignoring Reputation’s messages, at least. Reputation refused to believe that.

Reputation:
loverrrrr
i miss ypu so much
i miss ypur smile
amd your laugh
and tge sound if yopr voice and tge way youreyes light up whrn youre excited
and i miss ypur hair and your skin
im a mess iknow but i need ypu
loverrr please amswer me
i just wnat ypu back plesae

Lover:
Rep you’re drunk
You should drink some water and then go to sleep so that you’ll feel better in the morning

Reputation:
loverrrakskghk
i domt want to slerp
I jsudt want to see ypu again

Lover:
Where are you?

Reputation:
I domt kmow
some bar

Lover:
Are you alone?

Reputation:
yeaj
1989 saod she wlil be back sppn but o dont know where sje went
i wnat you so bad lover

Lover:
You’re drunk, Rep
You don’t really want me

Reputation:
ypes I dp
I want you rigjt now can I pelase just come oevr I want to fall asleeo in your arms
and I want rp kiss yu lover plesae
I still love you i promisr

Lover:
Rep please stop
Don’t do this to me

Reputation:
but i lpve you
rrally i do

Lover:
Just wait until 1989 gets back, okay?
And stay where you are

Reputation:
byt i want to ser ypu
please
im sprry o was sucj a bd girldriend
I ahte myself so mych for lettong ypu dpwn

Lover:
You didn’t do anything wrong, Rep
Please don’t think that
I’m sorry for what happened and I swear I would change it if I could
But maybe it’s better like this
Maybe we just weren’t meant to be

Reputation:
noO
pleasr dont say tjhat
i love you

Lover:
Reputation, it’s okay
It’s over now, you don’t have to do this anymore
You’ll find someone someday who will love you right

Reputation:
don’T say thst
i dont wnat anyone elrs

Lover:
It’s okay
You’ll move on eventually :)

The small smiley face did the rest. Reputation’s shoulders shook, tears streaming down her face, completely ruining her makeup. Lover couldn’t really think this was her fault, could she? Not when Reputation clearly had been the one who had screwed up their relationship.

She couldn’t bear the thought of Lover alone in her apartment, blaming herself for everything that had gone wrong – so horribly wrong.

Reputation:
lover van i cmoe over
pelase
or if you dpnt want tp see me van I at lreast call
i jist want tp hear yoru voice

She waited.

Nothing happened.

Over and over again, she refreshed the page, hoping that a reply from Lover would pop up. But it didn’t. Not for minutes.

Then, finally, the three small dots appeared at the bottom of her phone’s screen, indicating that the other woman was typing out a message to her. A moment later they disappeared. Reappeared. Disappeared again.

Eventually, a new text popped up.

Lover:
You can’t come over, I’m sorry. You’re too far away and you’d just regret it tomorrow, anyway. But you can call if you feel like you need to do that right now :)

Reputation didn’t waste a moment, pressing the call button the second she had finished reading the message. She pressed the phone to her ear, waiting for Lover to pick up. One beep. Two. Three… Time seemed to be moving impossibly slowly. Four… five… six… seven–

“Hey?” Her voice was small, full of insecurity and doubt.

“Lover,” Reputation sniffed. “I still love you so much, I promise. I’m sorry.“

It was quiet on the other end of the line.

“Lover?” she asked into the silence.

“Yeah… I’m still here.”

“I miss you.” Lover must be able to tell that she was crying bad from the way her voice shook. But Reputation didn’t care. She didn’t have the strength to pretend anymore.

Silence.

Then, quietly, almost inaudibly, she could hear her voice again. “I miss you too, Rep.”

Her name. She had said her name. It was all Reputation had ever needed to hear from her lips.

“Talk to me, please. I want… want to hear your voice.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Lover whispered. “I can’t do this right now, Rep. You’re drunk. You’re only talking to me because you’re drunk. You don’t really love me.” Reputation could hear that Lover was crying too. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault-“ she tried.

“Yes, it is. You know that.”

“It’s not,” Reputation protested. It broke her heart to hear just how lonely, just how broken Lover sounded. To know that she had spent years struggling with self-hate, and to still hear that same bitterness in her voice now, that always had been there when she’d talked badly about herself.

To know that she was alone. That she could have fallen back into that dark hole and wouldn’t have told anyone because she “didn’t want to bother them,” as she’d probably put it.

To know that Reputation hadn’t been there for her when she had needed it most.

Reputation had no right to feel sorry for herself. Not when she was the one who had caused all this pain. Both of their pain.

“I love you. I just want you to be happy.”

Silence.

Then, “I can’t do this, Rep. I can’t… talk to you. I’m sorry.”

“Lover, I love you.” She sobbed. “I just… please don’t leave me alone.”

“I… I love you too,” Lover choked out. “But I don’t want to hurt you anymore. It’s better like this.”

“Don’t go-“

Before Reputation even could finish, Lover had already ended the call.

Leaving Reputation alone with her tears.

Silence.

She tried calling again and again, with no success.

At some point, 1989 returned, put Reputation in a car… A taxi? The next moment she was stumbling up the stairs to her apartment. Constantly crying.

Her heart hurt.

She thought she might die from the pain.

Then she was lying in her bed, tucked in, alone in the dark.

A starless night with no morning.

A nightmare of loneliness she couldn’t escape.

She hugged herself tight.

There was no one else to hold on to.

The bed felt cold and empty without Lover.

She cried.

Couldn’t stop.

Until there were no more tears left.

Chapter Text

The air was pretty chilly for a day in early May, the wind cold on Lover’s face. She pulled her denim jacket a bit tighter around herself as she rounded the corner, her phone pressed to her ear.

“I’m on my way, now,” she said, once her friend had picked up.

“Okay, I’ll leave in a sec,” Red replied. “I just need to finish this scene, but it’s almost done, so it won’t take long.”

“Alright, see you then.” Lover hung up, pushing her phone back into her pocket, and kept walking, with one headphone in her ear and the other one dangling loosely on its cable, blasting the newest Dorothea song maybe a bit too loudly.

A girl on the other side of the street – she looked to be around fifteen or sixteen years old – glanced over at Lover, tugging her friend’s sleeve. Lover kept her head down, trying to make herself as invisible as possible, and quickened her step just a bit, hoping that they would leave her alone.

Compared to what other celebrities had to go through in their everyday life, it didn’t happen too often that someone actually came up to Lover in public. The people recognized her – she could tell that from the looks that seemed to follow her most of the time. She had been on the cover of many different magazines, and it was probably hard not to wonder where you had seen that girl with the pink-dyed hair tips before.

But even though it seemed many people recognized Lover from one of her photoshoots, most of them still let her live her life in peace – almost like a normal person.

Reputation never had that luxury, she thought with a pang. There were always paparazzi around, following her every step – most anything she did would be in the newspaper the next day – and her front yard was always crowded with crazy so-called “fans”.

Lover had no idea how the singer had even made it through just one day with getting that much attention. And meanwhile, here she was, scared of the possibility that some nice-looking teenage girl could try to talk to her on the street.

She had no right to feel bad for herself.

The moment she reached the Bluebird Café, which only was a few blocks away from her apartment, Red bust out the door, laptop in her arms and a big bag slung over her shoulder, a takeout coffee in her hand. When she saw Lover, a smile lit up her face. “Hi, I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Lover forced a smile. “Yeah, nice to see you.”

Red furrowed her eyebrows in worry, looking Lover up and down. “Are you okay, hun?”

“Just a bit tired,” she lied.

Lover could tell that her friend didn’t fully believe her, but she didn’t dig deeper. “Well, okay. Let’s get going then?”

They took the subway to the other side of New York, sitting mostly in silence except for the few times Red would point out something funny for Lover, trying to cheer her friend up.

Lover appreciated the effort – she really did – but right now, she just didn’t feel like talking, if she was being perfectly candid.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to Red – in fact, there were thousands of things she wanted to say right then. But not here, not in a subway full of people she didn’t know and who might overhear. Not when her mind was stuck on other things – one person in particular.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Red asked after a few minutes of silence between them. “You know you don’t have to do this right now, if you don’t feel too good, right?”

“I’m fine,” Lover said. It wasn’t true. “I just didn’t sleep very well last night, but it’ll be okay.”

“If you’re sure about it… I’m only here to support you, you know that, right?” Red gave her a heart-warming smile, and Lover felt like she might burst into tears any moment now.

“Hey, you’re Lover, right?” A young black woman greeted them with a kind smile, holding out her hand for Lover. “I’m Fearless.” The photographer’s name, Lover remembered.

She shook the woman’s hand. “Yeah, hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. We’ll be in the room back there-“ she pointed back over her shoulder “-so you can just get comfortable there and I’ll be with you in a second.” She glanced at Red. “Your friend’s staying, too, I assume?”

Lover nodded. “Yeah… If that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Fearless replied. “I’ll just get my equipment and tell my colleague that you’re here, so we can get started in a few minutes. She’ll do your makeup.”

Fearless vanished through a door, leaving them alone.

“Wow,” Red murmured. “She’s so fake.”

Lover turned to look at her, surprised. “She was so kind.”

“Yeah.” Red rolled her eyes. “Is about the same thing. People fake kindness all the time.”

“You’re just being petty again,” Lover stated.

“It’s kind of my job,” Red said, as she followed Lover to the room in the back. “I have to be a little petty about some things, in order to be able to write good stories.”

“But do you really?” Lover asked.

Red was silent for a moment. “No, probably not. But it makes much better stories. More heartbreaking and dramatic ones.” She sat down at the small table right next to the door, opening her laptop, then looked back up at Lover. “You know, I probably wouldn’t be able to sell any of my books, if it weren’t for my pettiness.”

Lover just shook her head, taking a seat on the other side of the table. “How’s it going with your new book? What was it called again?”

“Still doesn’t have a name,” Red replied, her eyes on the screen as her fingers frantically moved over the keyboard. “But I think it’s going okay. It’s always a bit of a rollercoaster of ups and downs with everything I write, but this one is actually coming along quite nicely. Like, for once I actually know exactly what I wanted to write, and it’s working.”

“That’s nice,” Lover said, watching her friend as she kept writing her new book, typing words Lover knew she wouldn’t be allowed to read before the book was completely finished and Red had reread it at least thirteen times, so that she could be sure that every single mistake would be fixed. Lover had once tried to tell Red how weird that was – because she was dying to read her friend’s writing, no matter how much of a “first draft” it was. Red had just shrugged and told her that it wasn’t weird at all, that most writers didn’t show their work for anyone before it was completely finished.

Lover still didn’t fully understand why, but she had gotten used to it by now.

“See, there’s this one scene,” Red said, finally taking her eyes of the screen and looking up at Lover, her fingers perfectly still for the moment, “that I really like. It’s like… So, the two main characters are just dancing in the kitchen in the middle of the night, and it’s so cute, but also, like, really sad if you think about it, because of how their love is already falling apart. And deep down, my main character knows, but she doesn't want to admit it to herself. It probably sounds stupid, but… yeah.”

“It’s not stupid,” Lover said. “I’m sure it’s gonna be great. Maybe even your best book yet.”

Red smiled. “Yeah… I hope so. Speak Now actually said she really likes it, and you know how much she usually hates those kinds of stories.”

“Speak Now got to read your book?” Lover asked, astonished.

“No…” Red’s gaze was focused on the screen again, as she was scanning through her writing. Maybe Lover was mistaken, but she thought she could see a faint blush creep into Red’s cheeks. “Just, like, one scene or something,” she murmured. Her fingers stopped scrolling as she seemed to have found something in her document. “Oh, I’ll have to fix this part later.”

“That’s still one whole scene,” Lover said, raising an eyebrow. “I never get to read anything before it’s basically ready to be published.”

“Shut up,” Red told her, once again attacking her keyboard. “I don’t have to endure you twenty-four seven, so it’s obvious that it would be harder for you to convince me… wait, this also has to fit with that other scene.”

The typing stopped, and instead she continued scrolling through her document again, probably searching for that particular scene – whatever it was about.

“Oh, so she gets all the privileges just because she lives with you? No other reason?”

“I guess…”

Quick footsteps approached, and the next moment, a young woman popped her head through the door. Technically, her blonde corkscrew curls and cowboy boots shouldn’t have gone along with the black dress and smokey eyes, but somehow, she still managed to pull it off effortlessly.

“Hey!” She smiled brightly at Lover. “I’m Debut, your makeup-artist for today’s photoshoot.”

“Hi!” Lover started to get up to greet the younger woman, but Debut stopped her with a wave of her hand. “No, no… just stay there and we can get started right away.”

She rounded the table, pulling out the chair next to Lover and sat down, opening her makeup purse. “I was thinking we’ll keep it simple and mostly just in natural colors to fit your style. And then maybe we could use some black for the eyes?”

“Yes, that’ll be great.”

The makeup-artist smiled at Lover, and Lover couldn’t help but feel a smile pull at the corners of her mouth, too. It seemed she could finally focus on something else than last night – even if it was just for the moment.

Debut got out a brush and started to powder Lover’s face, her movements more experienced than Lover’s ever would be. She barely even knew how to put on anything else than mascara and eyeliner, and maybe some lip-gloss. The few times she had tried applying any other makeup products herself, it had always gone to hell.

It was something Reputation had found utterly amusing.

Fuck.

She had sworn she wouldn’t think about her ex-girlfriend right now. Not when she was supposed to get a photoshoot done. Not when Reputation so obviously didn’t want her anymore.

Not when the only time she’d ever tried to reach out to Lover in the past three months had been when she was drunk at some bar.

“What are you writing?” Debut asked, pulling her back into reality. The younger woman was glancing over at Red, who’s fingers were still moving over the keyboard in speed time. Lover couldn’t fathom how anyone could even be able to type that fast.

“Oh,” Red said without looking up, “just a new book.”

Debut applied some more foundation to Lover’s face. “Do you have anything published?”

“Yeah… just a couple books, though.”

“Wow, that’s so cool!”

Red looked up, a small smile on her lips. “Aww, thank you.”

“You’re so welcome. You’ll have to write down the titles for me later so that I can buy them, okay?” The speed at which she was moving the brush over Lover’s face came pretty close to the speed of Red’s frantic typing.

“You don’t even know what they’re about.”

“Yeah,” Debut said, “but I know that I’m gonna like them. You just give off that vibe.”

Directed at Lover, she asked, “Is this shade okay for the eyeshadow?”

About half an hour later, her makeup was finally done, and a stack of clothing was brought in by Fearless. The photographer searched through it quickly, and then pulled out a few pieces, handing them to Lover. “Here, try this on.”

Lover changed quickly into the clothes – a pastel pink woolen top with spaghetti traps, and a pair of dark blue jeans – and then got ready to follow Fearless’s instructions.

They took a few shots in different poses, and then Lover was given new clothes – this time, white knee-length socks, and a pastel blue tight dress, that was almost a bit too short for her personal liking. But she guessed it would work fine for one photoshoot. As long as she didn’t have to go out onto the street like this, she would be okay.

Once she had changed into the new clothes and got ready to pose for the next photo, Red looked up from her laptop, which she had been constantly typing on for the entire time since they got here.

Lover gave her a smile, before she once again focused on the task at hand.

“Can you just lie down on that couch over there?” Fearless asked. “Lie prone with your feet up in the air.”

Lover followed her instructions, taking in the said position, and putting on what she hoped was a confident expression and body language.

“Great job,” Fearless said, taking the first shot. “Now put your shoulder up a bit and look back over it… Try to make it look like you’re ¢the man.¢”

“Okay.” Lover did as she was told. She could feel herself slowly starting to relax around Fearless and Debut. They seemed nice enough, and she felt like she could trust them with this photoshoot. Which was making it a lot easier for her to really get involved with the photoshoot herself, and she felt herself becoming a bit more confident in what she was doing. She had years of experience. She could do this.

Fearless took another few shots. “Perfect,” she said, giving Lover a warm smile. “You’re doing great.”

“Thanks.” Lover smiled back at her and shifted slightly in her position. Fearless took another shot.

“Oh, shit,” Red said, from where she was still sitting at the table, several yards away from them. Her laptop laid untouched on the table in front of her, and she was actually watching them do the photoshoot for once. “Girl, you look so good. I’m too gay for this.”

Lover raised an eyebrow at her friend. “Um, thanks?”

“Just stating the facts,” Red replied. “Those pastel colors look really good with your skin. Like – and I’m dead serious when I say this – you’re hot as fuck in that outfit.”

Lover felt her cheeks heat ever so slightly at the compliment and tried to cover it up by rolling her eyes at her friend. “Shut up, you literally have a girlfriend.”

“Um, no, I don’t?” Confusion took over on Red’s face.

Lover raised an eyebrow at her friend, a slightly mocking expression on her face. “Um, yes, you do.”

“What…” Red started, then seemed to realize what Lover was talking about as her expression cleared. “Oh my God, we’re not dating!”

“As good as,” Lover objected, changing her position on the couch once again as Fearless took another couple of shots of her. “You guys literally live together.”

“Well, yes… as friends.”

“Okay, I think we’re done with that outfit,” Fearless said, getting up from where she’d been crouching on the floor, and smiled at Lover. “You can take a quick break if you want to. I’ll just get Debut so she can freshen up your makeup a bit.”

“Okay, thanks.” Lover sat up on the couch, brushing her hair back with her fingers.

Once Fearless had left, she looked at Red. “But you do like her, don’t you? Not just in a best-friends way.”

The writer kept her eyes on the screen of her laptop, pretending to be busy with the book she was writing.

“Red?” Lover tried again.

“Yeah…” her eyes were still glued to the screen, a faint blush creeping into her cheeks. “I guess… I guess I kind of like her like that. A bit.”

“Mhm…” Lover picked up her own clothes from a nearby chair and started to change back into them. “Just a bit, huh?”

“Yeah…” Red paused for a moment, then finally looked up from her laptop. “Okay, maybe more than just a bit… But she doesn’t like me back, anyway, so I might as well start trying to get over her right now.”

“Have you told her?” Lover asked, sitting down on the chair next to her friend.

Red shook her head.

“Then how do you know she doesn’t like you back?”

“I just… know.” She was quiet for a moment. “See, sometimes we had these… moments, where I thought that maybe, just maybe, my feelings weren’t unrequited after all. Sometimes… sometimes I was almost one-hundred percent sure that she was going to kiss me, but then she never did.”

“Maybe she’s just scared of rejection?” Lover suggested.

Red shook her head. “I don’t think so… You know Speak Now. She isn’t usually the type to hold back her feelings. She just shouts them out without ever considering the consequences it might have.”

“Yeah…” Lover stared down at the table. “But I still think you should tell her, you know? Even if she maybe doesn’t like you back. Because if she moves on, finds someone else, and one day maybe even marries them, you’ll just sit there in regret and wonder why you were so scared to tell her how you really feel. It’s better to just take your chance now, even if it could break your heart. It’s better than looking back in regret and realizing that maybe she could’ve been yours if you hadn’t been so scared.” She blinked back tears. “Sorry, I probably sound so stupid.”

“No… No, you don’t.” Red reached out and reassuringly put her hand on Lover’s arm, looking at her friend with worry. “What you just said was really beautiful, actually.” She paused for a moment. “Are… are you okay, Lover? And please don’t lie to me again.”

Lover bit her lip. She would not cry now. She would not-

She shook her head, a single tear escaping her eyes. Then another one.

“Oh, honey.” Red pulled her into a hug, letting Lover rest her head against the other woman’s shoulder. “What happened? If you want to talk about it, of course… You don’t have to.”

Lover tried to form words, but they died on her lips, and all she could do was sit there and cry. After a few minutes, she managed to calm herself down just enough to be able to sit up again and smile shakily at Red. “Thanks…” she breathed. “I… God, I ruined my makeup.”

“Oh, it’s okay, honey. Here.” Red handed her a tissue and Lover started to clean up her face as good as she could, while Red watched her, still worried. “Do you want to talk about it…? Or should I try to distract you? I can find Fearless if you want to just stop the photoshoot and leave right now?”

Lover shook her head. “No… No, it’s just…” She took a shaky breath. “Rep texted me last night.”

“Oh…?”

“She… was kind of drunk. No, actually she was… really drunk. I could tell from her spelling mistakes.”

“What did she say…?” Red asked carefully.

Lover looked down at the table again, worrying her lip, her hands fidgeting nervously. “She… she told me that she missed me. And… she also said that she…” She fought back the tears welling up in her eyes. “That she still loves me…”

“And what happened after…?”

“Nothing,” Lover sobbed. “Just nothing. I told her that she was drunk and didn’t really mean it and she sent some more texts after that and then she called, and we talked for a bit, but I couldn’t handle it so I just hung up. She also tried to call me again right after that, but… I haven’t heard from her since.”

Red gently brushed a few strands of hair out of Lover’s face. “Shhh, it’s okay. Reputation is a bitch. You deserve better than that, honey.”

Lover shook her head, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. “She’s not.”

“Yes, she is,” Red insisted. “Really, she can’t just text you like that when she’s drunk.”

“She probably wasn’t thinking,” Lover tried to defend her ex.

Red sighed. “That’s not an excuse. She’s still giving you mixed signals, even three months after she broke up with you, and that’s just a dick move.”

“I mean…” Lover’s voice was quiet. “Maybe. But it’s still better than what I did.”

Red paused. “Wait, what did you do?”

“I… kind of called her in the middle of the night last week, and when she picked up I just… I just said something like 'wrong number'. I don’t really remember, but it was so stupid of me. And I wasn’t even drunk.”

“God.”

Lover took another shaky breath. “I just… wish she had meant it… You know, when she said that she misses me.”

“I’m pretty sure she did mean it,” Red tried to reassure her. “See, I was never really close with Reputation, but from what I understand it seems like she usually talks about and acts on her true feelings when she’s drunk. Maybe she doesn’t always mean to say it out loud, but she does mean it.”

Lover thought about that for a moment. “Yeah, maybe… But I don’t think she meant it this time.” She paused, staring down at her hands. “Or else she would’ve tried to call or text me again once she was sober… right?”

Red hesitated. “No idea. I really don’t know her that well.”

“Yeah…” Lover sighed, then looked up at her friend, her makeup a bit smeared, and forced a smile. “She deserves better anyway, so I guess it’s okay. I’ll just… try my best to move on.”

“Hey…” Red hugged her. “Don’t you dare think for even just one second that you’re not good enough for her, Lover. You are amazing.”

“Thanks,” Lover murmured, unable to keep the doubt from her voice.

“Of course.” Red smiled at her. “In the meantime, if there’s anything I can do for you… just let me know, okay?”

Lover actually smiled at her. A real smile, this time. “Yeah. You can tell Speak Now that you’re in love with her.” She almost started to laugh at the expression on Red’s face. “Come on, it won’t be that bad. Just tell her already.”

“Remind me to never again ask if I can do anything for you.”

“But you have to tell her, okay? Please? For me?”

“Fine,” Red sighed. “I’ll tell her.”

“Tell whom? What?” Debut was back, a smile on her face, and a makeup brush ready in her hand. When her eyes landed on Lover, her expression changed at once. “Are you okay?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m okay now,” Lover replied, a guilty expression on her face. “Sorry I completely ruined my makeup.”

“Oh, no worries!” Once again, Debut sat down next to her. “Are you still up for the photoshoot?”

Lover nodded.

“Good. We’ll just redo your whole makeup… And in the meantime, I expect an answer from you,” she added, raising an eyebrow at Red.

Chapter Text

She had made it.

Reputation had made it through another show, another two and a half hours of singing love songs she couldn’t relate to anymore, in front of a crowd of fifty-thousand people who would never truly understand her pain. Would never know it even existed.

For a short moment, she allowed herself to close her eyes and just breathe. Breathe in, breathe through, breath deep, breath out. She was okay now; it was all okay now. That was what she had kept telling herself for the entire show. It was okay. She’d moved on. And it didn’t matter at all that in this exact moment, Lover was probably just a few miles away, in her apartment on Cornelia Street. Reputation didn’t care anymore.

“Hey…” She got abruptly ripped out of her thoughts and dragged back into reality when 1989 pulled her into a tight hug. “You did great up there.”

“Thanks,” Reputation mumbled, burying her face in her friend’s shoulder. “I feel a bit tired, so I’ll just get changed and the probably go to bed pretty soon.”

“Yeah, of course.” 1989 stepped back and gave her a warm smile. “You really deserve some rest now.”

Reputation nodded once, then entered her dressing room. 1989 followed closely behind. “So…” she started, clearly trying to approach the topic as carefully as possible. “How do you feel? Like, in general?”

“I don’t know.” Reputation sat down in front of the mirror and started to take off her makeup. “I feel great. Never been better.” She met 1989’s gaze in the mirror’s reflection and smiled. It didn’t feel right.

“Do you really, though?” 1989 asked quietly after a moment.

“Yeah.” Reputation kept her eyes steady on her own reflection. “I’m doing good, Eighty-Nine.”

1989 sighed. “Well, if you really think so…”

“I do.” Reputation discarded the cleansing tissue she had been using, her face now mostly clean, and reached for her phone.

She checked the time first – 10:47 pm – and then quickly scrolled through the list of notifications that had popped up while she’d been on the stage, performing her concert show. Some messages from friends, a couple emails from different newsletters–

She stopped, her finger hovering mere millimeters over the screen.

Shit.

There was a new Instagram notification.

daylight13 just shared a post.

Before her mind had even started to process the meaning of that sentence, her finger was already moving, clicking the notification open, like it was the most casual thing ever.

In the few seconds that it took for her phone to load the post, everything in her screamed to just close the app right then, turn off her phone and throw it across the room; to never even look at whatever photos Lover just had posted.

But she didn’t do any of that.

She just sat there and stared at the white screen of her phone, until that very screen finally showed her the post – a photo of Lover, gorgeous as always in a light pink crochet top, the color looking almost too good with her golden-brown skin.

Reputation swiped to see the other photos. All of them appeared to be from the same photoshoot, the clothing style in most of them similar to the first photo.

But something about the woman in the photos was different. They were almost… a certain contrast to Lover’s usual softness. It was in her body language, in the way she held her head up, in her expression. A rare stubbornness that only came out sometimes, when she felt like she didn’t need to put on an act in order to please everyone around her.

And her eyes… The deepest ocean-blue, rimmed with black.

“Shit,” Reputation murmured, setting her phone down on the table. She put her head in her hands. She was so not over it.

“What’s wrong?” 1989 asked.

Wordlessly, Reputation handed her friend her phone, the screen still showing one of the photos from Lover’s post.

“Oh,” 1989 said. “I didn’t know you were still following her.”

Reputation sighed. “Yeah, no one was supposed to know that.”

1989’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Don’t people see it? I mean, they usually always stalk your following list and stuff like that, don’t they?”

Reputation shook her head. “No… I’m following her from a different account.”

“So you’re saying you have another account, and you didn’t even tell me?”

“It’s just for… you know, so that I can follow her without people knowing,” Reputation tried to defend herself.

“God.” 1989 sat down next to her. “Have you ever talked to her? Or tried to reach out? After you guys ended things, I mean.”

Reputation shook her head. “No. I don’t… I’m not…” she stopped. Took a deep breath. “We’re through. It’s okay, though, I’ve moved on.”

“Well, clearly you haven’t,” 1989 said and pointed at Reputation’s phone. “Or else you wouldn’t still have a secret account just for stalking her.”

“I’m not stalking her.”

“Yeah, surly that’s not what this is.” 1989 rolled her eyes. “Just… call her, okay? Tell her how you feel.” She paused, looking at her friend with an empathetic expression on her face. “It’ll be okay, Rep. I’m sure you two can work things out if you just talk to each other.”

Reputation shook her head again. “No, I’m not calling her.”

“Hey…” 1989 tried again. “It’s okay if you’re scared or if you feel insecure about this, but you’ve really got no reason to be afraid. I’m sure Lover still cares a lot about you, even if you guys haven’t talked in three months.”

“I’m not scared.”

1989 was silent, but the look on her face said enough.

“I’m not some desperate crazy and obsessive ex-girlfriend, okay?” The anger was now clear in Reputation’s voice. “I don’t need to paint up that picture of me.”

“I’m just saying it would probably be better if you guys just talked this out,” 1989 said, keeping her voice even. “For both of you.”

The hotel room felt empty and cold with no one else there – almost too big for just one person.

Reputation sat on the queen-sized bed, with her laptop placed on the mattress in front of her. She’d spent the last ten minutes scrolling through Netflix and trying to pick something to watch, but her mind just constantly kept going back to other things. Or, more precisely, to a certain person.

It was almost half past midnight and Reputation knew that she should be sleeping, that she should get some rest after the show, but she just couldn’t.

She’d tried. But it was impossible to shut her thoughts off and fall asleep when she knew – no, not just knew – when every cell of her body was fully aware that Lover was here. In the same city as her. Just a couple miles away, probably fast asleep in her apartment.

Reputation shut her laptop closed with more force than would’ve been necessary.

She needed to stop this.

Right now.

There was no point in sitting here and sulking, thinking about all the what-ifs, when she knew damn well that Lover didn’t want her back, that she couldn’t do this anymore – couldn’t even talk to Reputation. Lover had made that pretty clear the other night, when Reputation had drunk-texted her. She understood it, though. All Reputation had ever done was make things worse and break Lover’s heart without any warning.

But yet… she would be lying if she said that the same went for her. That she didn’t want Lover back, either.

It was a lie she had told the word for the past couple months.

A lie she couldn’t keep telling.

Not anymore.

She reached for her phone and opened Lover’s contact, then hesitated with her finger hovering right over the call button.

She just wanted to hear Lover’s voice, wanted to tell her that she was sorry for everything that had gone so horribly wrong since that one night in February, wanted to hear Lover say that it was alright, that she could forgive Reputation. She wanted to know if there was any chance – even just a small one – of them still working things out. Even though she knew that the answer would be no.

It was stupid, really. Lover was probably already asleep, anyway, so she wouldn’t even know someone was calling her.

But Reputation was desperate. So desperate that it was embarrassing as hell. And this time, she couldn’t blame it on being drunk.

But seriously, what did she still have to lose?

What mattered most to her had already been lost three months ago.

So she called.

Waited.

Considered just ending the call before Lover could pick up.

Didn’t.

Tried to stay calm.

Without success.

“Hey?”

Lover’s voice.

Reputation’s heart stopped beating for a moment.

“Hi,” she managed. The lump in her throat was making it hard to speak.

“Is… Did something happen?” Lover asked, her voice concerned. Reputation could almost see the crease between her eyebrows that always appeared when she was worried.

But there was something else in her voice, too. It was… guarded. “Are you okay?”

“I’m… I’m fine.” Reputation closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath. Tears pricked her eyes. She would not cry.

“Then… why did you call?” Lover asked. “What happened?”

Nothing.

“I… I just…”

“Rep? It’s okay, just please tell me what’s wrong.”

Reputation tried to fight back her tears, but it was no good. “I’m sorry,” she croaked. “I’m… so, so sorry, Lover. I just… needed you to know.”

“Are you… are you drunk?” Her voice was still guarded.

Reputation shook her head, even though she knew Lover couldn’t see her, the tears now freely streaming down her face. “No… I just… I miss you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lover tried to soothe her. “It’s… this isn’t you fault.”

“Yes, it is,” Reputation sobbed. “I shouldn’t have just run away when things got difficult. I… I promised you that I’d always stay but then I just… I’m so sorry, Lover. I was… was an awful girlfriend.”

“That’s not true, Rep. You’re amazing. I…” Her voice faded and whatever she was going to say died on her lips. “Are you… Do you think you’ll be okay? Is anyone with you right now.”

Reputation shook her head again. “I… I’ll be fine.”

“I miss you too,” Lover whispered through the phone.

It was all it took for Reputation to break down crying again. She tried to stifle her sobs, but she was sure that Lover could still hear them, even if she pretended not to, for the sake of Reputation’s dignity. As if she even still had any of that left. “Can… can I come over?” she asked through her tears.

Lover was quiet for a moment. “Where are you right now?”

“In my hotel room… just a few blocks away.”

Reputation subconsciously held her breath, waiting for Lover’s answer.

“Yeah… yeah, sure. You can.”

She took a shaky breath. It would all be okay. Hopefully.

And even if not, then at least she’d get to see Lover again.

Chapter Text

01:07 AM.

Shouldn’t Reputation be here by now? What if something had happened to her? It was late at night, after all. Lover doubted that it really was safe for Reputation to walk around out there, in the dark, all alone. Even if it was just for a few blocks.

Why had she ever agreed to let her do that?

It had been an idiotic, selfish, stupid decision.

Maybe she should call.

Just to check if everything was okay.

But… what if Reputation just didn’t want to see her? If she’d changed her mind?

Lover sat down on her couch, closing her eyes, and tried to take a few deep breaths. It would all be okay.

The sudden sound of a knock on the door almost made her jump. She got up and all but ran to her apartment door, pulling it open maybe a bit too fast, her heart hammering inside her chest.

There she was – her hair wet and slightly curly from the rain, drops of water glistening on her pale skin, her mascara and eyeliner completely smudged. But somehow, she still managed to look more beautiful than ever, taking the breath right out of Lover’s lungs. Her indigo blue eyes stared up at Lover, glowing in the dim light of the hallway.

“Hey,” Lover managed, stepping back a bit to let Reputation inside. “Come in.”

She tried to smile, but it didn’t feel quite right. Reputation had been crying, hadn’t she? Lover had heard it through the phone, even though she knew Reputation probably didn’t want her to know. And she could see it, too. She’d been crying because of Lover.

 “Thanks.” Reputation’s voice was quiet, almost a bit insecure, as she stepped inside, taking off her shoes.

Lover closed the door behind her, watching her ex-girlfriend, unsure of what exactly she was supposed to do now.

Reputation turned to look at her, pushing a few wet strands of hair out of her face. “You okay…?”

Lover blinked. “Yeah.” She looked down at the floor. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I… I can go again.” Reputation’s voice was a little shaky, like she was trying hard not to cry. “If you… if you don’t want me… here.”

“No…” Lover shook her head. “It’s okay.”

“Really,” Reputation insisted, “I’ll just… leave and… you don’t have to talk to me ever again. I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t even have called you. That was stupid.”

Lover looked up, her eyes meeting Reputation’s. “No, please don’t go.”

The other woman didn’t move, just stood there silently, the obvious doubt in her eyes breaking Lover’s heart.

“Really,” she tried to reassure her. “I… I want you to stay – at least for a while. If that’s also what you want?”

Reputation nodded slowly, though Lover could tell that she still didn’t fully believe her. “Okay.”

Her voice was still shaky.

No, not just her voice, Lover noticed. Reputation’s entire body was trembling.

“Hey…” she started, still unsure of what was supposed to happen next, of how she was supposed to fix this whole mess. “I’ll get you some dry clothes first, and then we can… talk, if you want to?”

Reputation just nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. Lover gave her a small smile. “I’ll be right back.”

She vanished into her bedroom, quickly grabbing some black leggings and an oversized dark green sweatshirt from her wardrobe. They had to be about the only clothes she owned that weren’t either pastel colored or covered in glitter.

Reputation was still right where Lover had left her, standing alone in the hallway. She looked… lost. Like she didn’t know what to do, either.

“Here.” Lover handed her the clothes and started to make her way over to the living room, with Reputation hesitantly following her. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”

“You don’t… you don’t have to do that for me.”

“It’s no inconvenience,” Lover said and smiled at her. “Really.”

Reputation shook her head, staring at the floor, her voice quiet. “No… I didn’t mean to bother you… I’m sorry.”

“You’re not bothering me,” Lover protested. “And I was going to make some hot chocolate for myself anyway, so, do you want some too?”

Reputation was silent for a moment. “Okay. But… only if it’s really not an imposition.”

Lover felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and stamped on about a million times. When had this happened? When had they gone from lying next to each other all night, staring at the ceiling, talking about everything and nothing, watching movies, going for a walk and picking up pebbles together, kissing on sidewalks, sharing jackets, simply having fun together – when had they gone from all that to this?

The silence was nearly unbearable.

“I’ll be right back,” Lover promised, forcing a smile onto her lips, even though she felt like crying. “Just… make yourself comfortable, okay? And if you need anything, let me know.”

Once the hot chocolate was ready, she poured it into two mugs, topping them with some cream, and then carried them into the living room.

Reputation was sitting on the couch, her posture a bit tense, and looked out through the window. When Lover set down the mugs on the coffee table in front of her, she turned.

Lover settled down next to her on the couch, careful to leave enough space, so that she wouldn’t make things even weirder. “So,” she asked, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. “How have you been…?”

Lover could tell that Reputation was avoiding to look at her. “I… I’m fine, I guess.”

She knew that it was a lie. “That’s… nice.”

Reputation leaned forward and took the mug of hot chocolate that Lover had made for her, holding it in both hands. She closed her eyes, clearly trying to calm herself, to breathe evenly – something she’d always do in any, even just slightly, stressful situation. Within only one short year together, Lover had learned to read her like a book.

She noticed that, while she’d been gone, making them hot chocolate, Reputation had changed into the clothes Lover had given her. She looked so nice in the dim light, with her damp hair slightly curly, and wearing Lover’s clothes… For a moment, Lover could almost pretend that they had never broken up, that they’d never stopped talking. That this was simply one of many late nights they spent together.

Reputation opened her eyes, and for a moment they met Lover’s.

Lover quickly looked down at her mug, feeling her cheeks heat slightly, embarrassed that Reputation had caught her staring. “Sorry,” she murmured.

“It’s alright.”

She shook her head. “No… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… It’s just…” she bit her lip in an attempt to stop the rambling before she could embarrass herself even more. You’re just so beautiful. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Lover. Really.”

She looked up. Reputation’s eyes were still on her, watching her every movement. Lover tried to smile but failed miserably. Tears pricked her eyes. “I… I’m so sorry, Rep,” she whispered. “For everything.”

“It’s… It wasn’t your fault.” Reputation’s voice was the only sound in her quiet apartment, was like music to her ears, soothing her broken heart.

“Yes, it was.” She couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. “It was all my fault. I’m so… so sorry I put you through all of this.”

“You didn’t…” Reputation put her mug down on the table, moving just a tiny bit closer to Lover before she stopped. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Lover. Really, it’s okay.”

Lover cried, hiding her face in her hands. “I’m such an… such an idiot,” she sobbed. “I shouldn’t have… I just… God, I’m so sorry, Rep. I’m just… just a selfish idiot.”

She could feel Reputation’s hand on her sleeve, just the bare ghost of a touch. “It’s okay… Hey, Lover, look at me.”

She shook her head, her body still shaking with sobs.

“Please?”

Slowly, Lover dropped her hands from her face, finally looking up at Reputation. She knew she probably looked horrible – her eyes all red and puffy, like they always got when she cried. But it was meaningless to try and hide that from Reputation. She simply couldn't – not when Rep knew her better than Lover even knew herself.

“It’s not your fault. None of this is.”

“Yes, it is,” Lover sobbed. “And you know that. If… if I were a better girlfriend, I would’ve stayed with you. I would’ve… should’ve at least tried, but I just… instead I just gave up on you.” She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, finally having calmed down enough to be able to think clearly again. “I’m so sorry.”

“Lover…” There were tears glistening in Reputation’s eyes, too, now. “It wasn’t your fault. Please just believe me. I… I get it that you didn’t want all the attention and I’m sorry… for ever putting you through all that. I shouldn’t have done that. And I shouldn’t have just run away. I thought it was for the best, but I’m… I’m starting to realize that it was probably the worst thing I ever could’ve done. I’m so sorry.”

“Rep, please stop… It was all my fault, not yours.”

Reputation shook her head. “No… I’m sorry… for everything… for this – I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll just… I’ll probably just break everything again, like I always do. I’m so fucking stupid.” She sobbed, pulling her legs close to her body, and resting her forehead against her knees. “I’m so sorry, Lover. I never meant to do this to you.”

“Hey…” Lover moved closer to Reputation, hesitantly at first, but when Reputation didn’t bolt, Lover wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close, tears still streaming down her own face, too. “Please don’t say that… You didn’t… put me through anything.”

“Yes I did,” Reputation sobbed. “I… I hurt you. I swear I didn’t… didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Lover murmured, resting her head on top of Reputation’s. “Can we just… agree that we’re both to blame for… you know, everything that happened.”

Reputation didn’t answer for a while. Then, so quietly that Lover thought she’d imagined it at first, “Do you… do you still love me?”

Her heart was warmed, a peacefulness slowly spreading inside her, allowing her to relax a bit.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Yeah, I do.”

Reputation tilted her head back a bit, looking up at Lover, her cheeks wet with tears. “Do you… really mean it?”

“Yes.”

A small smile settled on her lips then. She looked so beautiful – like an angel, fallen from heaven; an angel who had walked through hell but still managed to remain clean from all sins.

Reputation’s smile faltered and she looked away, worrying her lip. “Do you… Do you think we should try again? You know, us?”

Lover felt her breath catch. “I… maybe,” she whispered. “If… if that’s what you want…?”

Reputation nodded slowly. “Yeah… Yeah, I think so… Do you?” She looked up, her eyes meeting Lover’s once again, and Lover thought she might get lost in that electric blue – the color of a lightning storm, so dangerous, yet so lovely and calm. She could get burned, she knew that. But she couldn’t have cared less.

“I…” she paused, trying to clear her hazy mind. Reputation was still looking at her, looking at her with those indigo eyes, a silent storm raging in them, one that could either kill Lover or bring her back to life. “Yes,” she breathed. “I… I really do.”

A smile pulled at the corners of Reputation’s mouth – a real smile, this time. “Good,” she muttered, reaching up to cup Lover’s cheek with her hand. Her eyes fluttered shut, the dim light casting long shadows from her lashes onto her face.

And then her lips were on Lover’s – sweet, yet a little salty from her tears, soft and warm and perfect, like the two of them had been made for each other.

Her lips moved slowly against Lover’s in a silent dance, and for a moment the entire world around them faded, and it was only the two of them. Only Lover and Reputation, only the feeling of her cold hand touching Lover’s cheek, her lips parting slightly beneath Lover’s, her body pressed against Lover’s while she had her arms wrapped around Reputation’s waist. The past three months – three long months of longing, tears, and loneliness – simply disappeared, and it was as if they had never even stopped doing this.

Reputation shifted slightly, climbing onto Lover’s lap, her knees placed on either side of Lover’s thighs, never breaking the kiss. Her teeth gently pulling at Lover’s lower lip, asking for more, asking for her. A quiet sigh escaped Lover’s lips. God, how she had missed this.

She pulled back slightly, looking up at Reputation, electric blue eyes meeting hers. “You’re so good at this.” The words were barely more than a quiet breath, yet she knew Reputation still understood them perfectly in the otherwise silent apartment.

A mischievous grin settled on the singer’s lips as she rested her forehead against Lover’s, staring into her eyes. “You like that, huh?”

Lover’s cheeks heated. “Oh, shut up,” she murmured.

Reputation’s grin just grew bigger. “Awww, you do. Don’t even try to deny it.” And just like that, her lips were back on Lover’s, one of her hands in Lover’s hair and the other one slowly trailing from her cheek to her neck and down the length of her body.

“Rep?” she tried, when Reputation broke the kiss, out of breath.

“Hm?”

She didn’t even wait for a reply, her lips connecting with the skin right beneath Lover’s earlobe, then her jawline. Another sigh escaped Lover’s lips and she leaned back, her head resting against the soft cushions.

“What were you going to say?” Reputation muttered, trailing kisses down Lover’s throat.

“I… don’t know… God.” Lover whimpered when Reputation found a soft spot. “You’re driving me crazy.”

“Glad it’s working.” She pulled back and looked at Lover, her eyes twinkling.

Lover sat up, pushing some hair strands out of her face, her cheeks hot. “Don’t… Don’t you have a show tomorrow…?”

“Yeah…” Reputation paused. “Why…?”

“You… you should get some rest.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.” Reputation smiled, pressing her lips against Lover’s again, her tongue slowly traveling over Lover’s lips.

“Rep…”

She pulled back, resting her forehead against Lover’s, her eyes closed. “God,” she breathed shakily, “Do you even have any idea how hard it is to hold back from you?”

A nervous, quiet laugh escaped Lover’s lips. She felt somewhat flustered. “Um… I don’t know.”

“Yeah…” Reputation opened her eyes, looking right into Lover’s. “I’m sorry… If I… went too far.”

“You didn’t,” Lover reassured her. “It’s alright. Just… try to get some rest now? And tomorrow after your show, we can make out as much as you want.” If you’ll still want me then, she added silently.

“Okay…” Reputation smiled a bit, one of those warm, genuine smiles that she would always save for when it was just the two of them, with no one else around, no cameras to capture it, no one there to tell.

Lover’s heart melted.

She’d fallen asleep. Lover could tell the exact moment by how her breathing calmed, got all even and peaceful, with her hand still placed on Lover’s waist, Reputation’s fingers under her t-shirt, cold against her bare skin.

She remembered the way Reputation had blushed ever so slightly when she’d questioned her intentions after the singer had moved her hand there. It was a rare thing, for Reputation to blush just like that, but Lover would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy it. It was nice to see that Reputation wasn’t all that tough like she pretended to be. That Lover wasn’t always the flustered one.

Now, she was asleep, with her face buried in the crook of Lover’s neck, the hand that wasn’t under Lover’s t-shirt holding Lover’s hand under the covers – her hand, that was so cold in Lover’s warm one, just like it always had been.

She wrapped her arm around Reputation, burying her face in the other woman’s hair.

She was happy.

For the first time in three months, Lover was truly happy.

A smile settled on her lips at that thought.

She wasn’t alone anymore – hopefully, she wouldn’t be alone ever again. And even if she didn’t know what would happen, she had to believe. She had to believe that they would make it through whatever the future held for them. Together.

She could do it, she knew that now. All the unwanted attention – it was a price she was willing to pay in exchange for this. She could manage it all. For Reputation. And no matter what would be waiting for them… She wouldn’t give up again. She could never give up on this love again.

“I love you,” she whispered into the silence of her bedroom.

Chapter Text

The fresh autumn air that blew in through the open windows was chilly on Reputation’s bare arms. She sat on the floor in the middle of the living room, an open cardboard box next to her, piles of all kinds of different things scattered around her.

There were cardboard boxes everywhere in the apartment, all of them stuffed with her personal belongings. Part of her still couldn’t believe this was actually happening. That this had become her reality, after all the years she’d spent alone, hoping, praying, for something even just half as good as this.

She looked up when she heard footsteps approaching, to find Lover standing in the doorway, a smile on her perfect lips while she was watching Reputation. The tips of her hair had recently been newly dyed and were now a vibrant pink. The color would probably fade within a couple months, but as of right now, Reputation could admire how great it looked with the black Reputation Stadium Tour hoodie, that Lover must have stolen from her. “We’re done with the bedroom,” she said, sitting down to join Reputation on the floor. “How’s it going here?”

“Alright,” Reputation muttered. “I’m just not sure where we’ll even fit all of this stuff.”

Lover put her head on Reputation’s shoulder. “We’ll find something. Just try to relax for now? I think Fearless and Debut will be here pretty soon, and they’ll bring the pizza.”

“Good,” Reputation said, finding a small smile pull at the corners of her mouth. “I’m starving.”

“Yeah, me too,” Lover agreed.

The ring of the doorbell interrupted the comfortable silence between them and Lover started to get up, but Reputation grabbed her wrist, holding her back. “Don’t go…”

“I’ll get the door!” Midnights called from down the hallway.

With a defeated sigh, Lover sat back down. “You know we can’t sit here forever, though, right?” she asked, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

Reputation tilted her head, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “Why not?”

Lover just rolled her eyes, but she, too, was smiling.

“Girl, I think you’re addicted,” Speak Now chimed in.

Reputation turned her head slightly, to look over at where the other woman was sitting on the couch, with her girlfriend’s head laying in her lap. “I’m not.”

“Actually, you kind of are,” Lover murmured.

A look of triumph settled on Speak Now’s face. “See, even Lover agrees.”

“Shut up,” Reputation said. “I’m still not as addicted as you are to your girlfriend.”

“Not true,” Speak Now protested, but a blush crept into her cheeks anyway.

Red snorted. “Yeah, right. You’re not addicted at all.”

“I’m not-“ Speak Now started, then stopped when she saw the amused look on her girlfriend’s face. “Okay, fine. Maybe a little.”

“Told you.”

Reputation turned to look at Lover, but her girlfriend’s eyes were on her two friends, a smile on her face. When she noticed that Reputation was watching her, she glanced over at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” Reputation muttered. “It’s just really cute how you’re always so happy for everyone else.”

Lover smiled and then leaned forward to press her lips to Reputation’s in a short kiss. “I love you, Rep.”

“I love you too.”

A stifled cough caused them to jolt apart.

Midnights was standing in the doorway, Folklore and Evermore right next to her. “None of you guys are actually helping,” she complained. “Lov, you’re supposed to help Reputation move in here, not make out with her twenty-four seven.”

Lover pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear and got up, a faint blush on her cheeks. “Yeah, sorry… We were just taking a small break.”

“Yeah, right. You’re all just too lazy” Midnights rolled her eyes, turning away from them in one swift movement, her many braids that were decorated with pearls of all colors flicking over her shoulders, and walked away. “I’m gonna get 89,” she called back at them over her shoulder.

“Hey…” Lover hugged both of her cousins, one at a time. “I’m so glad you guys could make it.”

“Of course.” Folklore smiled warmly at her, holding out a flower bouquet. “This is for you and Reputation.”

“Awww, thank you!” Lover accepted the flowers, admiring them. “They’re from your flower shop?”

Folklore nodded. “Yeah, they are.”

“I’ll just get a vase for them,” Lover said, then disappeared into the kitchen.

Evermore made her way over to the couch, her older sister following closely behind, and they both sat down with Red and Speak Now. Reputation just stayed where she was, sitting alone on the floor.

“So, how’s it going with your books?” Evermore asked, looking at Red.

Red’s eyes lit up. “Oh, everything’s going great. I have so much new inspiration, and All Too Well is set to be released next month, already. It’s a bit stressful though, but that’s okay.”

Evermore smiled. “I’m so glad it’s working out for you.”

“Thanks, Evermore.”

Speak Now coughed. “She’s completely crazy. Like, she literally covered our whole living room wall in sticky notes just this morning.”

Red playfully hit her girlfriend. “Hey! That was only cause I had a great idea for what my new novel will be about.”

“Doesn’t change anything about the fact that you’re crazy,” Speak Now insisted.

Reputation glanced down at the small pile of CDs in front of her and then started to look through them. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to be with the others, taking part in their conversation. No, but she wasn’t completely sure if they wanted her to. If they even really liked her.

After all, they were some of Lover’s closest friends. And Reputation was… well, she was Lover’s girlfriend, now. But she had also been the one who’d broken Lover’s heart, not even a year ago. And she could never really tell if they had forgiven her for that.

“Hey…” Lover sat down next to her, a concerned expression on her face. She lightly touched Reputation’s arm. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Reputation glanced up at her shortly, then returned her attention to the CDs. “Just… I don’t know.”

Lover squeezed her hand. “It’ll be okay. You’re part of our group now.”

Reputation looked up at her, smiling just a bit. “Thanks, Lover.”

“Of course… Come here.” Lover wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, pulling her into a hug. Reputation rested her head on Lover’s shoulder, looking up at her. “Think you’ll be able to endure me every single day from now on?”

“Yeah.” Lover paused, a smile settling on her lips. “I mean, it’s not really like anything changes. You practically already live here, anyway.”

“Fair point.”

She closed her eyes and finally allowed herself to relax, to do nothing but simply exist. It was in that moment, in the safety of Lover’s arms, that she realized she had spent her whole life just running around, trying to fit in. Trying desperately to belong somewhere. It had been exhausting. But it had led her here, right to this moment, where the future was still unwritten, completely in her hands.

It had led her into the arms of the woman she loved so much, and she would be forever grateful for that. Maybe she wasn’t truly part of this group of close friends, yet, but like Lover had said, it would be okay. It would probably take some time, but deep down she knew that someday she would finally feel like she truly belonged here – not just with Lover, but with the rest of them too.

She opened her eyes again, and looked at Lover, a smile on her face.

“What?” Lover asked.

“Nothing,” Reputation murmured, leaning forward. “I just really love you. Like, really love you.”

“I love you t-“ Lover started but was silenced when Reputation softly pressed her lips against Lover’s.

This had always been end game. Reputation knew that now, even if things had seemed too unclear just a few months ago. She had always been meant to end up here – every dead-end street had led her right to Lover. The journey might have been hell, but it had been worth it. It had brought her heaven.