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admiration — a feeling of great liking
“Maloi, ‘wag ka nang maarte. Dali na, lumapit ka na ayan na oh.” Maloi and her friends were in the school’s cafeteria. It’s lunchtime and someone told the girls that Maloi’s crush is currently eating there causing Maloi to hurriedly run over.
Maloi grasped the lego flowers and the chocolate bars in her hands. Kanina sobrang excited niya to give the gifts to her crush even to the point of practicing in the mirror how she’ll go about it but actually seeing her figure just a few yards away, parang gusto na lang pala niya umuwi.
“‘Wag na kaya?” Maloi said, feet retreating causing her to bump to one of her friends.
“Ay hindi teh, sige na. Di tayo aalis hanggat di mo nabigay.” Maloi’s friends cheered her, pushing the smaller girl forward.
Normally, a Catholic school wouldn’t approve of such thing but it’s Valentine’s Day and the students were given liberty to approach and give gifts to their crushes, whether it’s a boy or a girl. Sobrang rare lang ng occurrence na ‘to. Kaya nga kahit walang pasok si Maloi, pumunta pa rin siya sa school thinking that this is finally her chance to approach her longtime crush, Mikha Lim.
Mikha Lim — the school’s student council President, consistent Dean’s Lister, and running for Magna Cum Laude.
Everyone admires Mikha. Apart from her academic records, she’s known to participate in outreach programs and charity events, always making use of her time to help others. If you don’t find her studying, you’ll find her helping the office staff with whatever it is that they need help with. Tuwing may kailangan sa profs ang class, siya ang pinapalapit because everyone can’t seem to say no to her.
But more than anything, she’s a good person. Someone you can rely on. You need notes? She’ll send you some. You need help carrying things? Tutulungan ka niya without even asking. Dahil dito hindi na rin talaga nakakapagtaka na maraming may gusto sa kanya.
Maloi watched as another clique of girls approached Mikha’s table. Accommodating as she is, Mikha smiled politely upon receiving the bouquet of red roses and a box of chocolates from the other girl slightly taller than Maloi. Maloi noticed na ang ganda rin ng suot ng babae. Malayong malayo sa suot niya ngayon maong na pants at oversized polo.
Maloi stared as the girl giggled after Mikha smiled at them. Insecurities filled her system. Sino ba siya para bigyan si Mikha ng regalo? She was about to walk away when suddenly, she caught Mikha’s eye.
It was as if everything went by in slow motion, in a blur. Maloi felt herself panic, just standing there not knowing what to do. How are you even supposed to react when your lifelong crush is staring at you?
Maloi felt her friends urge her to go forward, shrieking random expressions such as “ Go na girl!”, “Ayan na nakatingin na sayo dali!”, “Ang cute talaga ni Mikha,” and so on.
None of it registered to Maloi though. Wala na siyang ibang narinig o napansin pa, not after she saw the corner of Mikha’s mouth curl into a smile, as if telling her “ Hi! Don’t be shy, it’s okay. You can approach me. ”
This small act gave Maloi courage, prompting her to walk forward slowly, as if she’s in a trance. Even while walking, Mikha’s eyes never left hers and so did Maloi’s. Not one of them broke eye contact until Maloi came face to face with the Mikha Lim.
“Hello,” Mikha uttered, her smile much bigger now. Maloi’s thoughts at that moment were filled with nothing but how pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, magnificent, exquisite, and perhaps all the words anyone can describe a person so ethereal because that is precisely what Mikha looks like to her right now.
“I- This is–,” Maloi wants to pound herself. Why is she stuttering? She practiced this! Pakiramdam niya para bang gusto na lang niya magpakain sa lupa for how embarrassing this encounter with Mikha is.
Mikha just chuckled at her.
“Oh diba, kahit si Mikha pinagtawanan ka.” Maloi thought to herself.
“P-para sayo ‘to.” Maloi managed to utter as she handed Mikha the lego flowers she assembled last night as well as the Crunch chocolate bars she knows are Mikha’s favorite.
Mikha smiled at her in return, reaching for the gifts and the fact that their hands touched the slightest bit didn’t escape Maloi’s attention.
“Our hands touched! Oh my god! Never na ‘ko maghuhugas ng kamay ever.” Maloi’s thoughts echoed at the back of her head.
“Thank you so much,” Mikha replied, putting Maloi’s gifts on top of her cafeteria table, apart from the gifts the other students gave her. “Hala, Lego flowers. Hindi ba ang mahal nito?”
Ofcourse, she wouldn’t be Mikha Lim if she wasn’t worried about people spending too much money on giving her gifts. “Ay hindi okay lang,” Maloi fanned her hands sideways, trying to assure the other girl. “Gusto ko lang talaga ibigay ‘yan sayo. Kasi real flowers wither diba? I wanted to gift you something na hindi malalanta, na hindi mamamatay.”
For a second, Maloi thinks Mikha’s eyes might have glimmered in a way that her eyes haven’t done before but maybe that’s just her. After all, Mikha’s eyes truly are captivating that anyone could get lost in them. Maloi once compared her eyes to the stars and twinkle of the sky– that’s how alluring her eyes are.
“Sige, Mikha.” Maloi said, noticing that there were other students that seemed to be waiting for her to leave so they could give Mikha gifts. “Una na ‘ko. Salamat sa pagtanggap ng gifts ko.”
“Ofcourse.” Mikha stood up, patting her hands on her pants. “Thank you rin…” Mikha lingered and Maloi realized she hadn't told the other her name.
“Maloi,” she introduced herself. She watched as Mikha extended her hand out to her, slowly, surely.
“Okay, Maloi,” She hears Mikha chuckle as she brings her hand to shake the other and Maloi’s sure that her insides were probably turning itself from the inside out now that she’s holding Mikha’s hand.
“Thank you and I’m Mikha by the way, just to formally have it.”
unwither — will not fade or cease to flourish
“Babe, sa libro ang tingin, hindi sa’kin.” Maloi reprimanded when she saw Mikha steal a glance at her again for what could be the 5th time in the last 5 mins.
It’s a Sunday afternoon and the two are currently in a coffee shop somewhere outside Intramuros. Maloi needed to see the sights and ruins of the area for her class project and Mikha volunteered to accompany her.
Soon after, they decided to stay in a café for a while as the raven-haired girl needed to study for her law class the next day. Maloi didn’t mind though. After all, they’ve always loved spending time together.
Mikha, her girlfriend, posed an innocent look upon hearing Maloi’s words. “Hindi naman ako tumitingin sayo, babe.”
She then opened her codal— the Revised Penal Code and proceeded to “ read ” the provisions. Maloi chuckled because alam niyang Mikha’s just putting up an act. If anything, alam niyang hindi naman ganyan mag-aral girlfriend niya.
Her law student girlfriend rigorously studies while listening to white noise with a Pomodoro clock right next to her. Definitely not this sappy and cute one na nagpapanggap lang mag-aral dahil nahuling nakatitig sa kanya.
“Sus, huling huli kita. ‘Wag ka na magkaila.” Maloi playfully glared at her girlfriend before turning her attention to her iPad where she’s drawing a sketch of one of the ruins they visited earlier.
Mikha giggled as she puts down her highlighter. She comes face to face with Maloi, her elbows resting on the coffee table in rather amusing manner.
“Okay, maybe I am looking. Ang cute mo kasi ‘e, with your bow and all.” Her girlfriend said, giggling, her eyes smiling as she did so.
Maloi’s cheeks reddened in an instant, her heart racing in a way Mikha has always made her feel. It’s crazy how they’ve been together for quite awhile now but her love and admiration towards the latter never faltered— not even one bit.
Never in her life did Maloi think that she’ll actually have a chance kay Mikha but here they are— dalawang taon na sila and she honestly couldn’t be happier.
And the way Mikha loves her is just different.
It’s unlike everything she has ever experienced before. Akala niya people were just exaggerating when they said that to love and be loved strengthens a person, makes them feel invincible, pero totoo pala.
Kasi ‘yung pagmamahal ni Mikha, ‘yung para bang hindi ka makahinga but at the same time, you feel as though you can do anything in the world. ‘Yung pagmamahal na pinapalakas ka, pinapatibay, na parang kaya mo harapin lahat kasi alam mong nandiyan siya, sinusuportahan ka, at minamahal ka.
That’s exactly how being loved by Mikha feels like.
If it’s even possible, pakiramdam niya nga mas lumalim pa ang pagmamahal niya now that she’s known Mikha in a far more intimate manner than how she originally did as someone who, back then, only secretly admired the latter from afar.
They’ve come a long way and Maloi could only wish it lasts for a long long time.
“Ay nako Mikha Lim. Mag-aral ka na lang diyan.” Maloi simply responded, still trying to hide her blush behind her iPad.
“Eto na po. Sungit naman ng baby ko,” Mikha chuckled, putting her earphones on as she pressed the ‘Start’ button on her Pomodoro clock.
Maloi stole one final glance at Mikha who’s now focused on her own readings before turning her attention back to her drawing. Both of them focusing on their own thing.
Hours later, when the cafe they stayed at was near its closing time and with only a few customers around, they both decided it was time to go home.
Maloi was busy arranging her belongings when something caught her eye.
“Babe, by the way, I have something for you.” She uttered, grabbing the small book in her bag. Mikha's eyes furrowed in curiosity before reaching for the item in Maloi’s hands.
“Big Book of Crosswords?” Mikha read the title out loud.
“I saw that kahapon when I passed by sa NBS and naalala kita.” Maloi smiled excitedly. “You love those, right? Pansin ko pag wala ka ginagawa nagsasagot ka lang niyan.”
Maloi noticed how Mikha’s eyes sparkled with happiness. Mikha has always been appreciative of the little things her loved ones does, especially the ones na hindi na niya kailangang sabihin at kusang napapansin na lang.
Because for Mikha, being loved meant being noticed, to be known. Kahit sa mga simpleng bagay na others wouldn’t even bat an eye about, she appreciates it with her whole heart.
Mikha turned her attention back to her girlfriend and gave her what could perhaps be the softest smile she’s ever given anyone.
“I love it. Thank you, baby.” she muttered, reaching to hug her girlfriend and bump her chin on top of the latter’s head— a habit Maloi knows Mikha enjoys doing because of their height difference.
Maloi grabbed her backpack just as Mikha did the same. She felt Mikha’s hand guide her waist through the front door, goosebumps filling her arms at the simple gesture.
Minutes later, they stopped by Maloi’s apartment complex. The shorter girl was preparing to head out when suddenly, Mikha called her attention. “Wait, baby. I also have something for you also.”
Maloi wondered as she watched her girlfriend reach for a paper bag in the backseat before pulling out a wrapped present.
Another thing Maloi realized about Mikha is that she has this habit of being afraid of receiving things from other people that she unconsciously tries to pay it forward whenever she can.
Whenever they go out to dinner and Maloi pays for their meal, Mikha makes sure to pay for their dessert or to volunteer to pay for their next date. Whenever a friend helps Mikha with something she needs, she likewise makes sure that at some point, she returns the favor by helping them as well.
There’s nothing bad about reciprocating gestures but Maloi always reminds her na hindi naman lahat ng bagay kailangan hinahanapan ng kapalit.
“Babe, diba sabi ko hindi naman lahat kailangan ng balik?” Maloi pouted, reaching for the gift still.
Mikha raised her shoulders shyly. “Yeah I know but I wanted to give you this one rin.”
Mikha’s eyes were filled with enthusiasm as Maloi slowly unwrapped the present. She was surprised to see a small pot of lego tulips encapsulated in an acrylic casing.
“Lego flowers?” Maloi softly said.
“Yeah, naaalala mo ba nung una tayong nagkakilala? Noong panahong crush na crush na crush na crush mo ko?” Mikha raised her gorgeous eyebrows teasingly.
“Ang oa sa dami ng crush ha?” Maloi pointed, fingers grazing over the acrylic casing.
“Totoo naman kasi, baby.” Mikha teased with a wink. “You gave me lego flowers noon diba? I remember you saying na you wanted to give me something na hindi malalanta.”
Ofcourse Maloi remembers that day. She remembers it like it was yesterday. How could she not? It was when everything started between her and Mikha.
From strangers, to orgmates, and a year after that, girlfriends. It has been three years since that day at the cafeteria and she’s never been happier in her life if she were to be honest.
Her gaze traveled back to Mikha’s eyes.
“Kaya I’m giving this to you now.” Mikha softly uttered, reaching for Maloi’s hands. “We’ve been together for two years now and I know with how busy I am with law school, nag-aalala ka if we’ll be able to survive this. Alam ko yun, babe, even if you don’t mention it. I know it… worries you.”
Maloi never knew Mikha noticed but it’s true. There are nights where Mikha would be too busy to even send her a text and so she spends the whole night worrying how she is only for Mikha to text her the following morning that she fell asleep right after studying her cases. Recently, one of their dates also got postponed because Mikha has to attend to one of her professors’ make up classes.
Maloi was understanding of it all. How could she not? It’s Mikha’s dream after all.
It’s just that she can’t help the voices in her head at night whispering of the possibility that things might become increasingly difficult for both of them as time goes on. She’d normally communicate such worries pero ayaw na niyang dagdagan ang isipin ni Mikha because she know how stressful her academic obligations can be kaya as much as possible, sinasarili na lang niya ang pangangamba niya.
“But I’m telling you, just like this flower, my love will not wither, Maloi.” Mikha uttered wholeheartedly, her eyes fixed on her girlfriend.
“I’ll try my hardest to make time to be with you, okay? All I need is for you to know and understand na what I’m doing is for us. At kung hindi man ako makapagtext minsan, always know you and only you are the only person I’m thinking of. Even if minsan napo-postpone yung dates natin or kahit mawala man ako saglit, tandaan mo na nandito pa rin ako. Palagi akong babalik sayo.”
stay — remain in the same place
“Babe, you should eat something. Ilang araw ka nang di maayos kumain.” Mikha muttered, glancing over at the food she bought from Maloi’s favorite place.
Maloi merely sat on her dining table, tulala na para bang walang gana. The fact that her eyes were visibly fluffy didn’t escape Mikha, a testament as to how she probably spent the last few days crying her heart out.
Mikha sighed, her heart breaking at the sight of the love of her life. ‘Yung girlfriend niya na palaging nakangiti at masaya ay tila ba napaltan na ng isang taong malungkot at hindi kumakausap ng iba.
She and Maloi have always talked about sharing each other’s burdens and how they should always communicate every time may problema or when the other person doesn’t feel well. Like they said, wala namang maaayos kung magtatago lang sila sa isa’t isa.
But now, Mikha’s having a hard time breaking through this side of Maloi.
She doesn’t blame her though.
After all, grief changes a person.
At lalong hindi rin naman madaling mawalan ng magulang.
“Babe, hindi magiging masaya sina Tita if ganito ka.” Mikha said softly, caressing the back of Maloi’s hand with her thumb.
Maloi merely looked at her with a stoic and lifeless expression.
“Wala naman na sila para makaramdam.”
Mikha stood up, grabbing one of the chairs nearby to sit right next to Maloi. “Kinausap ko pala si Jhoanna. I told her to process your sabbatical from work muna. According to your boss, okay lang daw basta makabalik ka in time for the annua–”
“Di ko sinabing gawin mo yun Mikha.” Mikha was surprised when Maloi spoke. Not because of the intrusion, but because Maloi’s voice was laced with spite.
Maloi has never spoken to her in such manner.
Regardless, Mikha continued trying to get through.
“I know but–”
“Ano bang ginagawa mo dito? Diba may klase ka?” Maloi hissed, standing up from her seat.
“I told my classmate na I’ll miss class today.” Mikha explained, “You need someone to be with you. Nag-aalala na ko sayo eh. Ilang araw mo nang di sinasagot mga tawag ko. Tuwing dumadaan ako dito after class, hindi mo naman ako binababa. Buti nga nakasalubong ko kaibigan mo at pinapasok ako. Nag-aalala lang naman ako sayo, babe.”
Maloi leaned over the kitchen sink, still not turning to face Mikha. “Okay lang ako. Gusto ko mapag-isa. Pwede ka nang umalis.”
Mikha approached her girlfriend’s figure, trying to hold her sides. “Babe.”
“Ano bang hindi mo naiintindihan dun, Mikha? Mahirap bang intindihin na ayoko ng kasama, na gusto kong mapagisa?” Maloi snapped, turning to Mikha harshly.
Maloi’s never been one to speak unruly towards anyone. She treats everybody with respect and she knows when to control her emotions just so she wouldn’t accidentally explode on someone else so her acting like this definitely stung Mikha.
Mikha, on the other hand, tries to understand her girlfriend’s situation. Yes, she doesn’t like it when people dump their anger out on others, especially on her but this is Maloi.
Si Maloi na girlfriend niya na nasasaktan at kailangan lang ng karamay.
“I’m just worried about you, okay?” Mikha said, softly. “I know you’re hurting because of Tita’s dea—”
“No, you don’t know anything, Mikha.” Maloi laughed sarcastically, her hand running through the strands of her hair in detestation. “Ikaw ba yung nawalan ng magulang? Ikaw ba yung ulila na? Hindi. Ako ‘yun.”
Maloi’s words struck like a dagger to Mikha’s heart but she didn’t care.
She couldn’t care.
Not when her heart’s far too filled with grief to even think about anyone else.
“Your perfect, out of a textbook fairytale life doesn’t even come close to mine so you don’t get to tell me that you know how I feel.”
Mikha just stood there, unmoving.
“Umalis ka na.”
“Babe, I just mean that—”
“I said get out!” Maloi screamed, hitting the food Mikha bought her earlier. The contents of it splashing across the white floor tile. “Get out! Hindi kita kailangan! Umalis ka na! Iiwan mo lang din naman ako katulad ng pag-alis ni Daddy at Mommy diba? Get out! Get out!”
Maloi dropped to her knees in surrender. Pagod na pagod na siya. Ilang araw na siyang umiiyak, ilang araw nang hindi kumakain. Everything’s just too much. The pain is just too much. She misses her parents pero wala na sila para matawagan niya, para makasama niya.
Maloi cried harder after hearing nothing but deafening silence. Mikha must’ve left dahil sino ba namang pipiliin pang manatili?
Maloi clutches her chest in pain as loud sobs echo through the walls of her apartment.
Wala nang natira sa kanya. Her parents died, she pushed away her friends, and now, she also probably lost Mikha, the only person left in her life.
What she didn’t expect though, through her vision blurred from crying, was a figure slowly descending in front of her.
Maloi hesitantly looked up and saw Mikha kneeling in front of her, even to the point of her getting her pants stained from the food residue on the floor.
Maloi then felt warm, gentle, and familiar arms envelope her body, making her cry even harder.
“I’m here, baby.” Mikha hushed. “Ilabas mo lang lahat. Iiyak mo lang, okay?”
“I miss them so much.” Maloi wept, clutching the fabric of Mikha’s shirt like a lifeline. “Wala na sina Mommy, Mikhs. Mag-isa na lang ako.”
“Hey, hey.” Mikha leaned back to hold Maloi’s face, wiping the latter’s tears with her thumb. “You’re not alone in this, okay? Nandito ako.”
Maloi never realized how much she missed Mikha until now. Si Mikha na pahinga niya, na takbuhan niya sa lahat.
And for the first time since her parents’ death, Maloi felt like she wasn’t alone. That the world wasn’t cruel enough to take everything from her.
Because even when everything seemed to fall apart.
Even when everything seemed hopeless.
Mikha was there.
She stayed.
Just like how she always promised.
“Hindi kita iiwan, okay? Dito lang ako sa tabi mo, Maloi.”
shatter — to break suddenly and violently into pieces
There will always be signs.
Signs that even if you try so hard to ignore due to the gut wrenching pain any realization coming from it could provide, would nonetheless crawl its way out in the open.
It was in the 3rd year of their marriage, their 8th year together overall that Maloi noticed something different.
She doesn’t exactly remember when it started but after a while, Maloi finally noticed that something had indeed changed between her and Mikha.
What used to be late night cuddles, intimate dinners, and movie nights turned into late night working hours, constant Friday meetings, and neglected special occasions.
Maloi used to think it’s only a slump in their marriage; an itch that just needs to be scratched away. After all, both she and Mikha are working towards the fulfillment of their own dreams. What is there to be worried about when they’ve always vowed to support each other, right?
However, it was that one night when Maloi suddenly dropped by Mikha’s office that she realized that the truth was entirely different and much more excruciating than she thought it was.
“Good evening, ma’am. What can I help you with?” The lady at the front desk asked. Maloi just smiled warmly, tightening her grip at the sushi platter and bottle of wine she bought.
“I’m here for Atty. Lim, please.” Maloi uttered confidently.
It’s a Friday night and Mikha had texted her an hour ago that she’ll be working late tonight. Maloi, on an impulse, had thought about surprising her wife with food from Mikha’s favorite sushi place, knowing that good food always makes Mikha feel better on a long day.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. But Atty. Lim’s not available tonight.”
Maloi’s eyebrows creased at the receptionist’s answer.
Not available? That’s odd. Baka naman ayaw lang magpaistorbo sa kung sino sino? Maloi thought.
“You can tell her it’s Maloi Lim that’s looking for her. Maybe she just didn’t want to be disturbed just by anyone.” Maloi explained, keeping her smile intact although disappointment was already brewing in her.
She watched patiently as the receptionist explained her side to the recipient of the call, turning back to her a few moments later.
“Ma’am, Atty. Lim’s Secretary told me she’s unavailable because she already left the office a few minutes ago. Would you like me to leave a word that you dropped by?” The receptionist asked, genuinely.
Maloi was surprised. She stared at her phone bearing the text of Mikha less than an hour ago about her working overtime pero wala siya dito.
A number of thoughts were already racing in Maloi’s head but she shook them all away.
Baka naman nasa bahay na kaya wala na dito. Maloi thought.
“Ah no, no need. I’ll just call her. Thank you.” Maloi told the receptionist before turning away towards the exit.
She walked to her parked car, placing the food at the back before settling in the driver’s seat. She grabbed her phone preparing to type a message to Mikha when suddenly a familiar black Sedan car exited the building’s driveway.
Maloi knows that car very well.
Maloi’s gazed fell downward to the license plate, confirming her suspicion that it was Mikha’s car. Maloi noticed that the car made a turn to the left of the road— out of the way of their own house.
Maloi didn’t know what feeling it was but a part of her felt as though she needed to follow where the car was headed to.
So she did.
Her trembling hands started the ignition, her foot pressing on the pedal to accelerate.
The drive was for a good twenty-five minutes and all throughout the time, Maloi prayed for the life of her that whatever she witnesses isn’t what she thinks it would be.
Na sana may emergency errand or meeting lang si Mikha.
And that she’s not meeting someone else behind Maloi’s back.
“Hindi,” Maloi shakes her head at a stoplight. “Nago-overthink ka lang, Maloi. May meeting lang si Mikha. May meeting lang siya.”
She tried to convince herself.
Maloi halted the car in front of a condominium building in Mandaluyong. She examined the area, realizing na never pa sila pumunta dito ni Mikha.
Maloi watched as Mikha stepped out of her car, holding a cake box in one hand. She noticed Mikha typing on her phone before putting it in her ear and Maloi unconsciously stared at her screen hoping it would ring.
It didn’t.
Maloi’s heart was racing. Her mind is filled with so many thoughts she doesn’t want to entertain but all of them pointing to the same question— sinong kikitain ni Mikha ng ganitong oras na kailangan pa niyang magsinungaling?
Her questions were answered when a woman descended from the building’s facade. The woman was wearing a black silk dress paired with black stilettos, her jet black hair flowing alongside the wind. She watched as the woman’s face became clearer as she approached Mikha.
A tear fell from Maloi’s eyes realizing who it was.
Aiah.
Aiah Vergara, the woman she met at the company showcase.
Aiah Vergara, Colet Vergara’s wife.
Maloi watched as Aiah ran to hug Mikha, the latter excitedly opening her arms out wide to welcome the other. She watched as her own wife wrapped her arms around another woman’s figure, caressing her waist with her hands affectionately.
Hindi naman si tanga si Maloi pero pakiramdam niya kaya niya pa ring hanapan ng dahilan ang lahat ng ‘to.
Maybe they developed a good relationship because of Colet.
Siguro may kailangan lang sila pag-usapan tungkol sa trabaho.
Maloi didn’t even realize she was already dialing Mikha’s number. She observed how Mikha took a glance at her phone before staring at Aiah, muttering some words to her.
Aiah then proceeded to hold the cake box in Mikha’s hand, walking ahead forward while Mikha stayed behind.
“Babe?” Mikha answered the phone.
"Hi." Maloi tried to choke back her sobs.
"May problema ba?" Mikha asked on the other line.
“Wala wala. I just want to ask if late ka makakauwi tonight?” She asked, staring straight into Mikha’s figure from the other side of the street. She watched as Mikha scratched her head, looking back at Aiah who was waiting for her by the entrance.
“Oo ‘e. Sobrang daming paperworks kasi. I might be here awhile.”
Maloi’s head fell down, tears incessantly falling nonstop.
How can Mikha do this to her? Wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin si Mikha.
“Maloi, you okay?” Mikha asked and Maloi hated how Mikha’s voice was still laced with worry even when she was being unfaithful behind her back.
Maloi tried her best to clear her throat before responding. “Yeah, it’s just the fumes from the stove. I’m cooking kasi.”
“Oh okay,” Mikha lingered. “I gotta go na but I’ll see you later at home, okay?”
“Okay,” Maloi meekly replied.
Maloi watched as Mikha started walking back to Aiah.
“I love you, Mikha.” Maloi uttered as one last attempt. Siguro kapag pinaalala niya kay Mikha ang pagmamahal niya, things will change again.
Things will go back to the way it used to be.
The way it should be.
She watched as Mikha halted in her tracks. For a second, Maloi thought that maybe she regained the love of her life back.
Not until Mikha continued walking, holding her hand out for Aiah to hold as they both enter the building.
“I love you too.”
reminisce — recollecting past events
It’s the dead quiet of the night.
The lights are off except the small lamp by the corner of the room. The winds are whistling through the slightly opened windows of Mikha and Maloi’s bedroom. For some people, the night is admirable for one can ponder upon his own thoughts but for Maloi it’s the opposite, the soundless atmosphere of the night certainly didn’t help ease her thoughts away.
Mikha was already fast asleep but her wife is far from a sweet slumber. Hours ago, Mikha told her that she has to attend yet another four-day conference in Cebu. Apparently, their firm is handling a construction contract that Mikha needs to personally attend to.
Maybe in a perfect world, that’s the truth.
But in reality, Maloi knows it’s just another excuse.
Maloi watches as her wife silently sleeps right next to her. The distance between the two of them wasn’t much but it wasn’t as close as before either.
She observes how Mikha’s chest rises and falls slowly with every breath she takes. She looks so peaceful and Maloi feels envious that she doesn’t feel the same.
Maloi couldn’t help but think of how she missed this. She reminisced about those nights wherein Mikha would only fall asleep if she had her arms around her.
How she would give anything to relive those days again.
“Tapos love, ang galing kasi the other partner praised my argument. Sabi niya yun daw ilalagay namin sa pleadings na isu-submit.” Mikha said enthusiastically, sharing to her wife about her first day at work. The two of them were already in bed, preparing to sleep the night away.
“That’s great, baby. I always knew you’d blow them away,” Maloi smiled, caressing Mikha’s eyebrows. The other just looked at her lovingly before wrapping her arms around Maloi’s waist, her head resting on Maloi’s chest.
Her heart swells seeing this side of Mikha— the one who's never afraid of showing how clingy she is, the side of Mikha that only Maloi knows.
“Oh bakit? Biglang clingy naman ng love ko,” Maloi muttered, running her hands around her wife’s back. She heard Mikha take a deep breath, inhaling her scent. Mikha always said Maloi’s is her favorite scent in the world.
“I wouldn’t have done this without you, love.” Mikha said, looking up at her with the eyes she’s always known.
The eyes bearing how much she loves her.
The eyes she’ll always call home.
“Thank you for always believing in me.”
Maloi looked up at their ceiling, trying her best to stop the tears that were slowly forming in her eyes from falling. She took a deep breath, trying to keep herself together.
It’s not easy knowing that your wife is cheating yet you have to pretend that you don’t know anything at all.
She lifts Mikha’s right arm before snuggling closer to her right side, arms wrapping around the other woman’s torso. She feels Mikha pull her closer before planting a soft kiss on her head.
“I love you,” Mikha whispered softly.
And Maloi wonders if Mikha’s actually saying those words to her.
Or if she meant those words for someone else.
Maloi shook the thought away, focusing instead on how comfortable and at ease she feels to be in Mikha’s arms.
Kahit sa ganitong paraan lang, sa kanya pa rin si Mikha.
tolerate — accept or endure with forbearance
“What the hell was that, Maloi?” Mikha said as she threw her bag on the couch. Her hands found its way to her waist, distressed over what transpired over dinner. “Bakit mo naman inusapan si Aiah? Wala naman siyang ginagawa sayo.”
Maloi’s weight dropped heavily on the couch just as a sarcastic chuckle escaped her lips. She scoffed at Mikha’s audacity to even ask that question.
She’s having an affair with you, that’s what she’s doing wrong.
“It was a joke. Kasalanan ‘ko bang walang humor ‘yung babaeng yun?” Maloi lied, it was intentional but what can she say, something in her snapped when she saw Mikha and Aiah conversing in a rather intimate manner.
Kung magloloko na nga lang, kailangan ba talaga harap-harapan? Hindi pa ba sapat na nagbubulag-bulagan siya sa lahat ng alam niya?
“Anong joke? It was offensive! Kahit si Colet hindi natuwa sa sinabi mo.” Maloi’s eyes find themselves forward, suddenly remembering Colet and how the latter ignored her the entire time during dinner.
Why did it bother her so much when she was the one who told Colet to stay away?
“You know what, we can still fix this.” Maloi’s attention was regained by Mikha, who stood uprightly in front of her. “Tomorrow, let’s ask them out for lunch. We’ll apologize then—”
Maloi felt like her ears were ringing with every word coming out of Mikha’s mouth. How can she stand there and defend another woman other than her own wife? Was another person’s feelings far more important than Maloi’s?
In that moment, Maloi felt like something cracked within her like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute.
She’s had enough of all the pain, all the lies and pretensions.
It just had to stop.
She needs it to stop.
“Tangina?” Maloi rebuffed, standing up from the couch with her eyes glaring into Mikha. “Tangina. Ako pa magso-sorry sa kabit mo?”
It was like a pinball dropped.
The room earlier filled with arguments was soon engulfed by deafening silence.
Neither Mikha nor Maloi said anything but the expressions on their faces were all that the other needed.
Mikha was stunned perhaps by the idea that Maloi knew.
Maloi, on the other hand, was surprised that she even had the courage to confront Mikha about her affair. Maloi’s chest heaved as she stood to face Mikha.
“Ano, Mikha? How does it feel knowing that everything’s out in the open now?” Maloi uttered, squaring up to Mikha’s size.
The latter only cleared her throat before moving away from Maloi’s bold gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh c’mon, Mikha.” Maloi grabbed Mikha’s arm to face her. “Don’t patronize me. Alam ‘kong you know what I mean.”
“Stop it.” Mikha warned.
“Stop it or what? Titigil ba kayo sa ginagawa niyo?”
Hindi alam ni Maloi kung saan nanggagaling ang lakas niya. Kung paano niya nagagawang sabihin ang lahat ng ‘to kay Mikha even when she has spent the last few months agonizing over her wife cheating behind her back.
Maloi stared at her wife, trying to find any sign of worry or anxiety. Baka kahit konti takot pa rin si Mikha na mawala siya.
She found none.
“Alam mo ‘yung mas masakit? Na parang hindi ka man lang natatakot na alam ko.”
The younger girl looked down, not being able to look at Maloi straight in the eyes. Maloi feels more disrespected. Talaga bang mahihiya lang kapag nahuli na?
“Look at me, Mikha.” Maloi ordered, trying to find Mikha’s gaze but the latter kept her eyes fixed on the floor.
“Fucking look at me!” Maloi shouted in frustration just as tears fell from her eyes.
Mikha slowly raised her eyes and Maloi hated that even after everything Mikha did, her eyes still bore remnants of the home Maloi remembers.
Nakikita niya pa rin yung mga matang unang tumingin sa kanya noong college sa cafeteria.
Mga matang nakatitig sa kanya nung nagpakasal sila.
Mga matang nangakong hindi siya iiwan.
Mga matang nangakong siya lang.
“Tangina, Mikha. Mahal kita eh. Kaya pinili ‘kong manahimik na lang kasi umaasa ako na magigising ka rin. Na marerealize mo na ako pa rin ang pipiliin mo. Na ako pa rin ang mahal mo.”
Maloi cried endlessly and she hates how pathetic she must look right now begging for her own wife to choose her.
“I loved you. God, I still do.” Maloi cried. “Paano mo nagawa sakin ‘to? Inisip mo man lang ba ‘ko nung niloloko niyo ko?”
Mikha merely stood there in silence as a pool as tears formed beneath her feet.
“Kasalanan ko ba? Kaya mo ‘to nagawa? May mali ba sakin? May kulang ba? May ginawa ba ‘kong hindi mo gusto? Sabihin mo, babaguhin ko, Mikha.”
“Maloi, please. Don’t.” Mikha begged.
“Ano? Mikha, sabihin mo! Ayaw mo ba ng gantong damit? Do you want me to wear dresses more often–”
And as if her heart hadn't already been shattered enough, Mikha interrupted, uttering only one single thing.
“Mahal ko si Aiah.”
Maloi stood there stunned.
“At ako hindi?”
Maloi felt like her heart dropped to the floor when Mikha didn’t answer. She scoffed in disbelief, pacing across the room as she massages her forehead.
“Nangako ka sakin, Mikha.”
“I know.”
“You swore a vow.”
“Maloi.” Mikha pleaded.
“Nangako ka sa harap ng Diyos!” Maloi exploded, her voice echoing across the room. “8 years, Mikha. Ganon lang ba kadali sayo itapon lahat? Ganon lang ba ako kadaling itapon?”
“I’m sorry,” Maloi felt rage running through her veins. Wala na bang ibang sasabihin si Mikha kung hindi sorry?
“Tatanggalin ba ng sorry mo lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko?”
Maloi sighed, feeling the impending end of a marriage that she cherished for so many years.
Despite the thought, however, a part of her still wants to hold on. That maybe this is just a challenge that they both need to overcome. After all, wala namang perpektong relasyon diba?
Maloi approached Mikha, holding her arms firmly, forcing her to look at her eyes. “When my mom died, you told me you will never leave me. Wala lang ba ’yun sayo, Mikha?”
Mikha only looked at her in pain.
“Mikha, please. Kaya ‘kong kalimutan lahat. Ituring natin na para bang walang nangyari. Kaya ‘ko gawin ‘yun or atleast susubukan ko. Basta sabihin mo sa’kin na dito ka lang at hindi ka aalis.”
But Mikha didn’t answer. Mikha didn’t say a word.
That in itself is an answer for Maloi. She let go of Mikha’s arms, uttering one final word.
“Our marriage’s ending is on you, Mikha. Ikaw ang sumira ng relasyon natin. Ikaw ang nagtapon, hindi ako.”
behind — remaining after something is gone
“Ma’am, ibababa na po ito?” A man asked Maloi as he pointed to one of the boxes on the floor.
“Sige kuya, pakibaba na po. Okay na po ‘yan.” Maloi uttered, smiling at the man who proceeded to lift the heavy box.
Maloi wiped her forehead as she checked the other boxes making sure she didn’t forget anything. Moving out of the home she shared with Mikha definitely is one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do but a part of her feels relieved that she’s finally in the process of leaving all the pain she felt in the past months behind.
She’s far from fully recovering but as the saying goes, “Progress starts with a single step.”
Maloi opened the last box she hadn't checked and was suddenly surprised with what she saw. Her fingers slowly reached for the object prompting memories to fill her head.
“My love will not wither, Maloi.” She remembered Mikha’s words as she looked over the lego acrylic flower in her hands. How things have changed now.
“Ma’am ready na po?” The man from earlier came back with several of his helpers grabbing the leftover boxes.
“Sige po.” Maloi smiled warmly, as she exited the house she lived in for the past 4 years, leaving both its keys and the lego flowers behind.