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Jihyo’s plans to be in a room devoid of any kind of light or proof of the existence of the outside world disappears as soon as the sun begins to rise.
She can hear Jeongyeon’s voice in her head lecturing her about buying black-out curtains for days just like this, or rather, for when she needs to sleep in.
She doesn’t need to sleep in today, she needs to not be perceived.
Jihyo knows she lost that privilege ages ago when she chose to be an idol. Still, is it so bad to want some legitimate privacy? It seems like it could only happen if she were to disappear completely.
She flips over onto her stomach and buries her head into her pillows, trying desperately to get away from the sunrise. Even though she usually finds the colours comforting, she doesn’t wish to face the sun today.
When the dating rumours came out the day before, Jihyo’s phone immediately blew up.
At first, Jihyo is incredibly sleepy and ridiculously confused. She’s had long schedules and was processing the ending of the concert, while also preparing for what else was to happen this year. She wanted to take it easy for once and to sleep without any interruption. It was impossible.
Calls and messages from family, friends, management and members filled her phone. She hasn’t answered any of them. She has an action plan in place, and was allowed space for the first 48 hours. The agency will do what it needs to do, and Jihyo would do the same.
She groans into her pillow at the thought of the news, the reminder that her privacy was very much non-existent.
She and Sungbin were friends, actually. They hung out here and there and he helped her refine her workout routine. He was funny and charming and they got along well.
But they weren’t dating . Not that it mattered to anyone, not that it should matter.
Waves of memories keep coming back to her. Memories of the first time something similar happened, memories of another guy, memories of people obsessing over it. Stray memories of people who still can’t let go of that time in her life.
She scoffs into the pillow, angry at the world for making a big deal out of something so natural.
She scoffs again, angry that despite ignoring texts for her sanity, she still looked at articles, at her name trending on various sites.
Of course she would date around, of course she would see people. She’s only human, after all. Why did it matter? Why did people feel the need to overanalyze her actions? Why did people need to fight about her sexuality? Why did people’s opinions of her change, good or bad, just because of one rumour?
Jihyo sits and stews in her thoughts, a habit of hers that she had been trying to stop. Past tense, because she knows now that she can never really stop that. No matter how much she’s grown, it’s hard to be completely devoid of the anxiety that sits heavy in her chest. What’s changed though is her method of coping, allowing herself healthier habits and allowing herself to lean on others.
Part of her acceptance is allowing herself moments like this, where she barely moves from bed for hours in order to process and properly understand the weight that has forced itself into her mouth, down her throat, into her chest, and taken up residence in her stomach.
She hears her door unlock, which causes her to flinch for a second. She thinks of who it could possibly be, her mind filing through the names of those close enough to her that she had given her passcode to.
Her ears pick up the grumbling of her stomach, and then the low noises of bickering.
“ Yah , she’s probably sleeping still,” she hears Jeongyeon speak in a low voice. Then a smack, then a very familiar whine. Then she hears stifled cackling and soft footsteps. It’s probably her members, with the amount of footsteps going on.
A part of her wants to move. She tries to will her body to throw itself out of bed, something that she’s had to train herself to do on the most difficult of days when she still had a schedule to go to. It must be the fact that it’s another day off that her body refuses to force itself up.
She listens carefully as her members move around her apartment, their voices low in order to not wake her up. She manages a smile for the first time in hours, a warmth blooming in her chest at the thoughtfulness of her girls. The smile widens even more when she thinks of how they could’ve possible thought they could not wake her with the amount of footsteps and shuffling that can come from eight pairs of feet.
“Should we wake her up to eat? The food will be better warm,” she hears Mina say softly, concern clear in her voice.
“We shouldn’t force her to wake up,” Tzuyu argues quietly as the rustling in her kitchen continues.
“She probably needs her sleep more than ever right now,” Dahyun adds on, her voice more like a loud whisper.
There’s some more shuffling, and Jihyo realizes that they must have brought her some supplies in case she falls into a depressive episode, or feels unsafe to leave her apartment. It’s happened before, and they had taken care in creating an action plan. Still, it’s barely been over 24 hours, but her members are showering her in care without her even reaching out.
The weight in her stomach slowly begins to dissolve.
“Jeongyeonnie and Chaeng wrote the list of groceries, and I put some of her favourite drinks in her kimchi fridge. That’s it, right?” she hears Nayeon ask softly as the rustling of bags and items stop.
“I think so,” she hears Sana respond this time, “We also put some of her favourite snacks in a box and I put some bath bombs in her washroom with Momoring.”
“I hope this helps,” she hears Dahyun mumble, then a collective sigh.
“Jihyo is stronger than anyone we know,” Jeongyeon says firmly, resolutely; it makes Jihyo want to cry immediately. Then she hears Jeongyeon let out a small chuckle, “Plus, we’re leaving behind a personal chef.”
Jihyo’s eyebrow raises at that.
“You sure you want to do this, Momo unnie?” she hears Chaeyoung ask, “What if…what if it’s true?”
Another smack.
“Hey, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, Momo is just showing up as a friend,” Jeongyeon warns with a slight growl, “Plus, let’s leave this kind of talk for after we leave Jihyo’s apartment. The longer we linger, the higher chance we have of disturbing her sleep.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t hit so loudly, that would also wake up unnie,” Tzuyu deadpans, earning another round of stifled laughter.
“Alright kids, let’s just get out of here,” Nayeon says, her snickering very much still evident.
Collective hums of agreement resonate through her apartment as she hears them packing away some things. She hears her door open and the girls beginning to shuffle out, then a whisper of someone saying, “Good luck.”
Jihyo gives it a few seconds, listens carefully for what Momo might start doing after the others leave. She hears a bit of humming as footsteps move around her apartment.
Jihyo wonders why Momo is staying behind, wonders what it could mean to be her “personal chef”. She wonders what she should do, and she realizes then that she’s finally stopped fixating on the terrible leak of her privacy for a moment.
She thinks then that maybe she could just get up, or maybe she could try to sleep a bit more. Her body finally starts to relax and she sticks a foot out of her cocoon of blankets, the coolness of the room helping her body unclench.
She does a bit of deep breathing and thanks the heavens for her thoughtful members. She contemplates what to do, what to ask when she sees Momo - was she here for any particular reason? Or was she just elected to represent the members to comfort her?
It’s strange though, she would have thought that maybe Jeongyeon or Nayeon would do that, maybe even Sana or Mina. Jihyo thinks about Momo and the strange shyness that she has around her, thinks about the small glances she notices Momo steals, thinks about the questions that she almost always has around her mysterious behaviour.
Still, she is mostly thankful for the support period, glad that she has someone to listen to her vent without her having to open her messages and seek it out herself.
When her body is finally soft and no longer on edge, she thinks she could nap a little longer.
Then she hears a loud crash and a little shriek of distress.
Jihyo throws off her blankets immediately, jumps out of bed, and rushes to the kitchen.
“Momo, you okay?” she asks in a huff, seeing Momo on the floor scrambling over some pots and pans and other kitchen ware.
“Ah, sorry Jihyo, did I wake you?” Momo says in a whisper, despite Jihyo already being awake, frantically picking up everything before dropping several almost instantly. “Ah, fuck.”
Jihyo’s instincts to help vanish and instead, a loud, boisterous laugh explodes out of her. It feels like a sweet release, like the feelings trapped in her body are coming out in a waterfall of laughter. She clutches her stomach and bends over, the laughter refusing to stop. Soon the laughter produces tears and Jihyo suddenly finds herself on her knees, sobbing.
Momo’s face is flushed from Jihyo’s teasing, but she’s relieved to finally put the dishes away and hear Jihyo laugh. However, as soon as Jihyo starts to wail, Momo turns around to see her shaking on the floor. She falls to her knees and envelopes Jihyo in a hug immediately, holding the younger woman tightly.
Jihyo allows herself to be hugged, crying hysterically into Momo’s chest. She grips onto her shirt tightly and allows the waves of pain that she was holding onto for the past 24 hours finally come out. The pain of uncertainty, the worry of what her loved ones thought, the disappointment she knows that some of her fans feel, the exhaustion of being perceived with constant judgement.
At first, Momo felt flustered by the sudden onslaught of tears, but she knew this pain, was familiar with the immense pressure that is caused by people butting into your business. She remembers when her own dating news came out, remembers the first time for Jihyo too, remembers what keeps happening to any idol who wants to just find happiness.
She holds Jihyo through her trembling shoulders, rubs circles into her back, and through hot cheeks, kisses her on the forehead before stroking her hair gently.
It takes about 30 minutes for Jihyo to calm down, and once her crying stops, she pushes Momo away slightly.
“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Jihyo sniffles, looking away. She’s embarrassed, frankly, not having cried like that in front of anyone for a very long time. She took pride in being stronger, in being able to handle the pitfalls of idol life better.
“No need to be sorry,” Momo mumbles softly, getting up to give Jihyo some space. “I’m sorry me being a clumsy disaster made you cry.”
Jihyo snorts, allowing herself to laugh a little as remnant tears blink out of her eyes. “No, no it wasn’t that.” She looks up at Momo from the floor, the look of tenderness and understanding in Momo’s eyes almost causing her to flinch. Instead, she lets out another chuckle, “The pots have handles for a reason, you know.”
Momo rolls her eyes at that immediately, her cheeks dusted with pink as she turns around to move the pots again a few millimeters to the left and right.
“I’m sorry, I was just trying so hard to be careful that I ended up being the opposite,” Momo says with a sigh and a shake of her head. “Maybe they shouldn’t have left me alone.”
Jihyo begins to get up and brushes her knees, “Seriously, I don’t know how you and Nayeon were able to survive alone.”
Then the second thing Momo says repeats itself in Jihyo’s mind.
“So…Why are you here alone?” Jihyo asks before stretching and shaking off the leftover emotion from her little breakdown. She walks over to her tissue box and blows her nose, admiring the box of treats that she heard Sana mention. “I know you were all in here, why did you stay behind?”
Momo’s eyes widen at that, and Jihyo wonders if maybe she was a little too forward.
“Not that I mind,” she adds on, which causes Momo to visibly relax. “I’m just surprised is all.”
Momo doesn’t answer right away, instead she watches Jihyo walk over to her couch and plop down. She hesitates for a moment, before Jihyo pats the spot next to her. With a nod of understanding, she accepts the invitation and sits down too.
“Well, firstly, they thought I would have the most perspective on this,” Momo starts, her voice betraying her and shaking a little. “B-But most of all, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Jihyo scoffs, “Of course I’m okay. I’m stronger than I was back then.”
“We know,” Momo affirms immediately. “Jeongyeon actually didn’t want me to stay behind, said that you probably wanted to be alone.”
“She’s not entirely wrong,” Jihyo answers with a heavy sigh, “But it does bring me comfort to have you here, especially with all of the stuff the members brought.”
She feels the tears threatening to well up in her eyes again, but she swallows the lump in her throat. “You guys are the best.”
Momo smiles, though she sees Jihyo’s eyes beginning to glaze over. She sees Jihyo swallowing, sees her beginning to clench again. And so, she grabs Jihyo’s hand and squeezes it.
“We’re here for you to lean on,” Momo says with another squeeze. “Jeongyeon thought it would be nice if you didn’t have to worry about stuff like food, and Nayeon thought I could show you some of the new recipes I’ve developed lately.”
“Is that why they said ‘personal chef’?” Jihyo asks with a little laugh.
Momo blushes again and cringes at the words, “Yeah…I don’t know why they like to tease me so much.”
“It’s because it’s easy,” Jihyo replies quickly, causing Momo to groan. “It’s fine, they like to tease me too.”
The two sit in a somewhat comfortable silence for a while. Jihyo feels a bit of sleepiness start to take over and feels especially comforted as Momo starts to play her with hand, pressing the pads of her fingertips and massaging her palms and the space between her fingers. She closes her eyes and eventually falls asleep, feeling a lot more at peace than earlier.
Once Jihyo is fast asleep, Momo lets go of her hand, happy to see Jihyo looking a lot less tense than when she first saw her. She covers her in a blanket and allows herself to watch Jihyo, the slight rise and fall of her chest, her small hands curling around the blanket, the slight opening of her mouth. Momo bites her bottom lip, fighting back the urge to kiss Jihyo. Instead, with a firm nod, she places a hand over her chest and feels the erratic beating of her heart. She then takes a deep breath, remembering that she’s here to comfort Jihyo, not indulge too much.
And so, she wanders back to the kitchen and takes a look at the lists they all made together, deciding on what to cook first.
---
Jihyo wakes up to the aroma of something very delicious, and her apartment feels a little warmer than usual. She wipes the drool at the corner of her mouth, and gets up a little to see Momo in an apron, watching over a pot of something bubbling.
She doesn’t call out to her since she looks like she’s concentrating, so she takes her time to stretch and allow the sleep to creep out of her body. However, the grumbling of her stomach is embarrassingly loud. So loud, that Momo turns around immediately, and Jihyo is caught off-guard by her smirk.
“I think it’s about time you finally answered your stomach,” Momo says with a shake of her head. “It’s been talking to me while you slept.”
Jihyo takes the cushion on her bead and presses it against her face before groaning. It’s embarrassing, to say the least.
“No need to feel ashamed about it,” Momo chuckles, “You guys are subjected to my stomach all the time.”
Jihyo snorts, “You know what, you’re right.” She smiles again, “So what did you cook for me, Momo?”
She feels lighter, especially after having slept with no disturbances. The weight in the pit of her stomach has dissolved a bit more, but the heaviness remains. Still, she allows herself to be pampered.
“It’s just army stew,” Momo says as she takes a sip of the broth. “Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu prepared the side dishes that are on the table.”
“Ah, you girls spoil me so much,” Jihyo coos as she takes in the little dishes on the table. She once again feels a wave of relief wash over her. No matter the negativity online, her members are there to remind her of the unconditional love that’s always available to her.
“We probably don’t spoil you enough, actually,” Momo counters, still facing away before she turns off the stove. “Your parents also asked Jeongyeon to pick up something from their place and they gave us a bunch of your favourite drinks.”
Jihyo raises an eye brow, “Did you guys not sleep last night or something? How did you already prepare all of this.”
Momo hums a little as she finishes the stew with some garnish, “We wanted to act quickly, and since you weren’t answering any of your texts, I think we got a bit anxious.”
Jihyo nods at that, watches Momo move around her kitchen with utmost care.
“I think we were pretty stressed out by the situation and kept ourselves busy by putting this all together,” Momo continues with a bit of a nervous laugh. “Jeongyeon drove us around like crazy and Sana kept checking her texts for any responses.”
“I’m sorry to worry everyone,” Jihyo replies with a sigh, “You guys know that sometimes it’s easier for me to just shut down.”
Momo gives an affirmative noise before settling down the stew on the table, “No need to apologize. I’m sorry that we might have overreacted. Oh, do you want something to drink by the way?”
“Of course,” Jihyo responds immediately, causing them both to laugh, “Get one for yourself too, okay? And you don’t have to apologize either, this was all because you guys care, which I appreciate.”
Momo lets out the same noise before she shuffles over to get the drinks.
When Momo finally settles down, the two open their drinks at the same time, give a silent cheers, and eat a bit in the quiet.
Momo teased Jihyo for her stomach noises, but she’s obviously just as hungry when they start to chow down. Jihyo smiles to herself at that, knowing how much Momo treasures her eating time. For about half an hour, Jihyo’s apartment is just filled with the sounds of eating and drinking, with sighs of contentment and soft giggles permeating through every once in a while.
When she finishes, Jihyo rubs her stomach, “That was so tasty, Momo. Thank you, it really brought me comfort.”
Momo nods shyly at the praise, “I’m glad you liked it. I thought it might’ve been a while since you ate, so I wanted to make sure it was hearty.”
Jihyo is caught off guard when Momo faces her, makes eye contact, and smiles so sincerely, so lovingly, that it almost hurts. She thinks of how Momo always talks about her giant eyes, thinks of how big Momo’s are, thinks of how she would make fun of Momo for avoiding eye contact, but would do the same on days she felt shy.
They stare at each other for a while, Jihyo not really wanting to back down. She smiles widely, exposing her gums as she feels another laugh come.
“What’s so funny this time?” Momo asks with a bit of a pout.
Cute.
It makes Jihyo laugh even more.
“It’s just,” she takes another sip of her drink, “I was wallowing in so much self-pity and anxiety and now I’m here, surrounded by the things my members gave me, just finished eating an incredible meal, and sitting and feeling happy with you here.”
Jihyo doesn’t miss Momo’s face immediately turning red.
“I know I need to be careful when this kind of stuff happens, I know I can’t always just turn everything off,” Jihyo chugs the rest of her drink and lets out a satisfied sound before firmly putting down her drink. “I’m really glad you stayed, Momo. I think it would’ve been easy to go back to moping, even with all of the stuff you guys brought.”
Momo sips on her own drink, lets the cool liquid calm down the anxiety that she’s trying so hard to suppress. “It’s okay if you need to shut down, Jihyo. I think it’s okay to feel those feelings and let yourself be upset for a while, it only natural. I know sometimes you try really hard to ‘be normal’,” her air quotes are a bit too aggressive for Jihyo’s liking, but she smiles anyway. “But it’s okay to be angry and upset about what happened.”
Jihyo hums in thought and plays with the end of her shirt. She thinks about the rage and the sadness, thinks about how it was good to just be still for a while, even if stewing in her thoughts isn’t exactly pleasant.
“As idols, we’re expected to be on all the time, but you know that’s impossible,” Momo adds on, “You should turn off whenever you want, and we’ll be here to support you when you’re ready to be on again.”
There’s a tremble in her hand, but Momo takes a chance and reaches across the table. She looks at Jihyo with uncertainty, but the younger woman takes her hand, intertwines their fingers, and Momo’s expression melts into a lopsided smile.
“Thank you for that,” Jihyo says quietly, playing with Momo’s hands the way she had done to her earlier. “You’re right…it’s just, it’s hard to remember that sometimes when people are talking about it all over the internet.”
Momo nods, feels her neck heat up when Jihyo’s other hand touches hers, both of them massaging her and making her feel like butterflies are about to break out of her chest.
“You saw that the company is neither confirming or denying, right?” Momo says, cheers internally when it comes out normal despite how insane she’s going on the inside.
“Yeah, I told PD-nim that. Me and Sungbin aren’t dating, but I wanted to remind the public that my love life is private,” a growl comes out of Jihyo after the last word, and she presses Momo’s hands a little too hard, causing the older woman to squeak. “Woops, sorry!” Jihyo immediately apologizes before letting go.
“No, no, it’s okay,” Momo retorts, whining when the warmth of Jihyo’s hands go away. “I really like how that felt.”
A pause, then Jihyo starts playing with Momo’s hands again, and the older woman pulls out her other hand and the two are just pressing on each other’s skin, massaging, rubbing circles. But then Momo stops.
“Wait, so you guys aren’t dating?” she asks with a voice that embarrassingly high, “I mean, so it’s not real?”
Jihyo grabs Momo’s hands back, “Momo, you know I would tell you guys if I started dating anyone, right?”
Momo nods slowly, with a slight tilt of her head, “That’s what Jeongyeon said, but still…I thought maybe you’d want to keep some stuff private from us too, none of us would blame each other for that.”
“Do you keep secret relationships from me?” Jihyo asks teasingly, glad that this conversation can be as light hearted as it is.
Momo freezes at that, wonders if her fingers had turned cold, “W-Well I…”
“I’m just kidding, you know we’re all allowed our secrets,” Jihyo interrupts her, squeezing Momo’s hands tight, “Our dating lives don’t have to be anyone’s business, I know that.”
Momo doesn’t respond right away, and her fingers eventually stop moving. Jihyo tilts her head and squints at Momo.
“Hey, did I say something wrong?” she asks with concern, “Seriously, pretend I didn’t ask that question, I didn’t mean to-”
It’s Momo’s turn to interrupt this time, her hands gently raising Jihyo’s closer to her face before she presses a soft kiss to them, trying to ignore how her entire body erupts in flames.
“Jihyo, I have been keeping a secret from you,” Momo says to Jihyo’s hands, refusing to make eye contact, but she misses the blush on Jihyo’s face. “This whole thing had me freaking out and thinking and over thinking and…”
Jihyo feels like she’s stopped breathing waiting for Momo to continue.
“God, I don’t know if this is inappropriate or stupid after everything, but would you um…” Momo squeezes Jihyo’s hands a little too tightly in her anxiety, but Jihyo barely notices. “I was wondering if um…”
Momo takes in a deep breath, “Would you, I don’t know…would you be interested in dating me, maybe?” The last words come out quickly and a little high pitched, but she’s relieved to finally have asked, even if she can’t meet Jihyo’s gaze.
A beat, and Momo wonders if she’s breathing too loudly, if her heart can be felt through their connected hands. She shuts her eyes tight and almost doesn’t notice when Jihyo pulls their hands closer to her.
“ Crazy how you think this is a good time to ask,” Jihyo snorts, causing Momo to look up and pout immediately. But when she sees how red Jihyo’s face is, Momo’s face turns even more red in return. “But um, I think I wouldn’t mind that, at all, actually. I would love to go out with you, Momo.”
Momo stands up so fast that her chair falls over.
“Wait, seriously?” Momo practically shrieks, her eyes threatening to pop out of her head.
Jihyo takes her phone out of her pocket and shows it to Momo, shows the hundreds of notifications, and then proceeds to turn it off. No more sinking into her bed, waiting to be enveloped by the darkness. No more indulging the weird speculation of strangers. Her loved ones knew her, understood that she’d need a bit more time. For now, she’ll indulge in the happiness that’s in front of her, looking at her with eyes that make her feel like the most precious person in the world, without any words.
The widest smile blossoms on her face, Jihyo’s eyes trying their hardest to reflect the love and admiration right back at Momo.
“You’ll still be my personal chef, right?” Jihyo asks as she puts her phone in a drawer, “Text the girls that you’ll be staying with me for a while. For the next couple of days we’ll do some trial dates, and you have to come with me to the gym. You said you haven’t gone on to the gym in a long time but I really don’t believe you with a body like that, you really gotta show me your routine.”
Momo’s head is reeling at Jihyo’s response, at the speed everything is happening, feeling a bit of whiplash especially after all of the anxiety she felt in the past 24 hours. Her head is trying to process everything as Jihyo starts moving around her apartment, letting Momo know her plans for them for the day, and letting her know how she can borrow her clothes, and make herself comfortable. A huge part of her is ecstatic at the yes, but she’s starting to question if any of this is real, or if perhaps she’s in some kind of dream.
She snaps out of it, when Jihyo’s grabs her hand and leans in to give her a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey, I thought you wanted to go on a date? Let’s go to this trail I discovered literally the day before this shit storm happened,” Jihyo lets go of Momo’s hand and continues to make herself busy, going around and moving this and that.
Momo unfreezes from her spot and smiles so widely before she begins to follow the younger woman around her apartment like a puppy. She shouldn’t be surprised at this sudden turn of events, understanding that Jihyo probably has a lot of pent up anxiety that she still needs to get rid of, and being active is one of her favourite ways to cope. It’s not exactly what she thought their first date would be, but seeing Jihyo look so happy after the mess of it all brings Momo so much happiness and fulfilment.
It’s not long before Momo is dazed again, holding onto a giant backpack, smiling despite herself.
With the way Jihyo is bouncing around her apartment, no one would believe that she had been shut down for a whole day previously. There is joy that bubbles in her stomach at the prospect of going out with someone she loves, the pockets of air now overshadowing the previous weight. Her body feels light, like she can just skip, jump and fly off somewhere else.
Then Jihyo’s eyes are looking right at Momo, excitement sparkling through pools of honey brown.
“Come on babe, let’s go!”