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Jeonghyeon feels awkward.
That’s nothing particularly new or anything like that, but he feels awkward and he shouldn’t feel awkward, but he does.
All because Yunseo is plastered against his backside, one leg thrown over Jeonghyeon’s right hip and resting there, his arms wrapped around Jeonghyeon’s upper torso; not too tight nor too loose, but just right. Almost like Yunseo has already known how he’s wanted to hold Jeonghyeon like this. His shoulders are broad enough to fit around Jeonghyeon’s back without much struggle—but even if they weren’t, Jeonghyeon is certain that Yunseo still would have planted himself behind him like this.
It’s not the fact that they’re cuddling, either. Jeonghyeon is very much a cuddler—and not to mention, they’re in a group together with Keita and Hanbin, who tend to be very cuddly when not on camera. Their group is easy when it comes to skinship—cuddling is practically second nature to all of them. (Even Jihoo, though he loves to pretend that he despises his hyungs’ affections.)
It is the fact that, currently, Jeonghyeon is not the big spoon.
Yunseo is the big spoon.
Jeonghyeon is the little spoon.
And it’s not… well, it isn’t terrible or something dramatic like that. Jeonghyeon can rationalize his awkwardness well enough. It’s just so strange and weird because Jeonghyeon isn’t used to this. To being the cuddlee and not the cuddler. A lot of them are near the same heights, Keita being the smallest amongst them all, but Jeonghyeon is still the tallest. The biggest member, in a sense. He’s used to being a teddy bear of sorts for his members—and Jeonghyeon greatly adores being able to be that for them.
That’s why all of this is weird when it shouldn’t be and why Jeonghyeon is awkward when he shouldn’t be.
He can’t seem to get himself to relax, even though he knows he should. Jeonghyeon closes his eyes, squirming in Yunseo’s arms. This only makes Yunseo tighten his grip on him, one hand moving down and curling around Jeonghyeon’s left hip as he tugs the other man tighter against his front. Jeonghyeon would blush if he weren’t so focused on trying to calm his nerves about the entire situation.
“Jeonghyeon-hyung.” Yunseo mumbles against his back, his forehead gently pressed between Jeonghyeon’s shoulders. “Why are you so stiff? It’s just me.”
Jeonghyeon knows. His mind and body just can’t seem to understand that. He shifts again, legs parting as he does, and Yunseo takes the opportunity to slip his other leg in between them, effectively tangling their legs together now. Jeonghyeon’s heart thumps heavily in his chest, and now he can feel his ears burning.
“I know,” Jeonghyeon tries, rather pathetically. “I just… it’s not weird for you?”
Yunseo shakes his head. “No. Why would it be?”
“Because…” Jeonghyeon hesitates, trying to formulate the words properly in his mind.
Yunseo doesn’t really give him a chance to answer his own question. “It’s just like I’m hugging you, hyung. Only on a bed, and from behind. It doesn’t feel weird at all.”
Jeonghyeon can’t help himself. He shifts in Yunseo’s arms, twisting his upper half around in order to properly look at the younger member. Yunseo seems reluctant as he pulls his head back, avoiding being accidentally elbowed in the face or side at the same time. “But I’m—bigger. Shouldn’t I be the one…”
“You know,” Yunseo likes to interrupt him, Jeonghyeon notices. He can’t find it in himself to be annoyed by it, though. “You’re pretty insecure, aren’t you?”
Jeonghyeon suddenly wants to roll over and shove Yunseo off of the bed. Then storm out and go cuddle Seungeon instead. He has half a mind to open his mouth and tell Yunseo that to his face, but Jeonghyeon is too caught up in his own thoughts and planning Yunseo’s demise to realize that Yunseo is actually leaning in to kiss him. He startles a little, feeling Yunseo’s lips pressing against his own—it takes a few seconds for Jeonghyeon to catch on, but as soon as he does, he presses a soft kiss right back.
“Hyung,” Yunseo mumbles against his mouth, low and soft. His hand gently presses against Jeonghyeon’s stomach, and Jeonghyeon has to resist the urge to push up into the warmth of his palm like some puppy asking for belly rubs. “I like that you’re bigger. It’s nice, even when I’m the one holding you.”
Yunseo kisses him again, lifting his right hand up from Jeonghyeon’s hip in order to cup his cheek. The angles are all awkward, their bodies sort of straining to stay in place properly without turning completely around, and Jeonghyeon is pretty sure that he might be elbowing Yunseo in the ribs right now. He nearly winces at the thought.
“Stop thinking so much.” Yunseo pulls away from him with a pout, plump lips turned down cutely. Jeonghyeon wants to kiss him again. “You’re always the one in my position. But no one ever does it for you, hyung. Don’t you ever wish to be held, like you do Keita-hyung? Or like how Seungeon holds Hanbin-hyung?”
Sometimes Jeonghyeon wonders if he even knows himself anymore. His members always seem to know things about him before he even realizes them himself—or, perhaps, his members are simply that in tune with Jeonghyeon as a person. Truthfully, Jeonghyeon has never really thought about it—not through that kind of lens, at least. Yunseo’s probably right, now that Jeonghyeon is forced to view it head-on. There’s always been a twinge of envy in Jeonghyeon’s gut whenever he sees Seungeon hold Hanbin, or even when Hanbin grabs Yunseo or Keita from behind and hugs them for a bit “too long” to be considered just a hug.
He’s always assumed that he was jealous because he wanted to be the one doing the holding. It made sense, after all. It felt almost like—an assigned role to him. Given to him by absolutely no one but himself. None of the other members have ever told him that he had to consistently be the big spoon for cuddling. Jeonghyeon has simply always assumed that’s what they’d wanted from him in the first place.
Apparently, Jeonghyeon’s instincts have been completely wrong this entire time. Would now be an appropriate time to call himself a ‘dumb dog’?
Slowly, Jeonghyeon turns himself back around in Yunseo’s hold. He settles himself back onto his side, with Yunseo shifting behind him moments later. They settle into their previous position, or at least something similar to it. Yunseo leans himself up, pressing his nose against and into the back of Jeonghyeon’s neck as he presses both of his hands against Jeonghyeon’s stomach. Lips meet skin and Jeonghyeon finally lets himself listen to Yunseo’s words.
Jeonghyeon relaxes in Yunseo’s arms, eyelashes fluttering for a moment. He reaches one of his hands down, sliding it over the length of Yunseo’s forearm before pushing his fingers between the other man’s, tangling them together just like their legs.
“It feels nice, doesn’t it?” Yunseo murmurs the words against his neck, lips moving against skin.
Jeonghyeon nods, his eyes slowly falling shut. “Yeah… yeah, it feels nice, Yunseo-yah.”
He can feel Yunseo smile into his neck, another kiss being pressed against it. Jeonghyeon lets out a quiet, soft sigh—Yunseo’s warmth bleeds into him, making Jeonghyeon feel the weariness that’s constantly clinging to his bones. He feels at home here, in Yunseo’s arms; he always feels at home with his members, but he feels content . Like all of the weight he constantly feels on his shoulders has been lifted. Not completely gone, but lesser—as if Yunseo is now there to help him shoulder the burden of Jeonghyeon’s own expectations.
“I love you.” The words slip from Jeonghyeon almost unconsciously. He tugs Yunseo’s hand up and up and up, until he can press his lips to the back of it. Yunseo lets him, his arm and hand limp in Jeonghyeon’s grasp. Trusting. “Yunseo…”
Yunseo’s head shifts, gently dragging his nose over the back of Jeonghyeon’s neck. He settles down a few moments later, pressing another kiss to the skin of his neck, his free hand staying gently pressed against Jeonghyeon’s stomach. “I love you, too, Jeonghyeon-hyung. I want you to always feel loved.”
A soft pause between words, Yunseo pressing his body closer into Jeonghyeon’s, their legs tangling together further. “So don’t be afraid to ask us to hold you. Okay? You deserve it, too. Just like the rest of us.”
The words settle in Jeonghyeon’s chest, burying themselves underneath his ribs. He doesn’t know when he’ll get the confidence to ask what he wants of them, at least not quite yet, but at least he’s now aware of the fact that he has the option. That Yunseo wants to do this. That, maybe, the other members might also want to do the same for him.
Warmth fills Jeonghyeon’s entire body. He shifts Yunseo’s arm to be settled under his own arm, curling both of his arms up as he nuzzles himself against Yunseo’s hand, eyes closed. Jeonghyeon can feel Yunseo’s heart beating, their heartbeats not quite in sync just yet, but slowly getting there.