Chapter Text
Looking back I was always uncertain, I have always second-guessed myself, and truly I’ve only been a watcher. I watch everything around me without any concern to do anything myself. I’ve always been on the sideline most willingly, the occasional input only to be something to destroy something beautiful or to cause problems ranging from mild to world-ending. There was a time when I was something other than a distraction and a problem-maker, but it was a rather short time. Even then though, my behavior was solely based upon a newly developed gambling addiction of sorts that led me to make one of the worst decisions this world has possibly ever seen or will see.
So, here I am. This is a horrible predicament to be in. I don’t want to be here, stung up in the air like the doll I once sought to leave behind, but now I guess I’ve put myself in a real corner here. I would start with the phrase I guess you’re wondering how I got here but that would be too predictable. But I can tell you the story nonetheless. I guess it’s pretty interesting to those looking in, but to me, all it seems to be is just another day of reminiscing. Part of me doesn’t want to do that anymore, but it’s more of a sensation now than a true desire. I guess that is mostly because it is the only thing helping me to remember how I got here, besides the fact that I’m stuck in a human body, there is the fact that I cannot remember anything. I think it simply adds insult to injury as I am only here for my fault. I don’t want to immediately fall into the story however, first I just want to reflect, just for a moment. I guess this is the first time in my existence that I have truly been afforded rest even if it’s unwilling, I guess actually that makes more sense. I’ve never been one to want to stop, since the very beginning I’ve been too hyper for my own good, even if it didn't look like it. When I entered this stage of existence I didn’t know how to stop. I was first challenged to make something by Red, literally anything, and so I did. I immediately got to work on figuring out how to make people. Pretty extreme jump to the outside viewer I know but along the way I figured other things out, like walls, air, and rivers. This led to the infrastructure of what some people, the people I later built, call home. It’s pretty much endless but there are solid points that have things in them, the first of these that I made being the pools.
It’s honestly still one of my favorite places to go. At the very entrance, the water is freezing, to the point, that it could probably give you hypothermia, but as you go down it gets warmer until eventually, you could cook with the stuff. At the time I didn’t understand temperature or unintentional pain for that matter so I didn’t care about either, but I guess it worked out in the end.
After infrastructure, I started to focus on people but I didn’t have any way to make them or anything. What I had been doing at this point was making my own material out of what was most available to me, myself. I had used my own blood and given my size tears were easy enough to collect, but I didn’t know where to go from there. At one point, however, I had the idea to try something else; using other parts of my body. I had ten arms, three legs, five heads, and between all of that was a lot of excess tissue that I could use as I saw fit, so I did. I was used to the pain of cutting already so this was nothing, especially after I learned to numb the areas I was cutting.
I started simple, with beads. I pulled out some hair and learned how to treat my skin like clay, I baked them and gave them designs, then strung them all up. I large head with a lump of white in the center, a strange-shaped torso bead, legs, and arms. I set them down and took a rest after admiring it for the longest time, for the first time I had something that was just mine. But. I felt too much like Red. This little creature that fit into the palm of my hand was like how I was to Red, small, and usable. I very quickly became quite ashamed of myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to just break it. I wanted its company. After a while, I woke, not naturally, but to sound for the first time in possibly my whole life. I looked over and it was beating itself on the table, trying to get up. I realized how stupid I was then, it had no way to support itself at all. It was only string and beads that were too heavy for it to lift. Even its head was immovable. So I quickly desting it, but I did set its head up to face what I was doing to its armature. Now thinking of it, I don’t know how much it appreciated that, it might have comforted it or it might have terrified it, but I am too scared now to ask, it already doesn’t like me anymore. None the less I finished thinking its string and rewired it. I sat it in a sitting position and it just looked up at me for a second. It looked down at its legs and arms, its flimsy fingers at the end of each. It started to rock back and forth before finally falling forward, I cupped my hand out to stop it from face-planting on my work table. I picked it up and put it in a standing position. It wobbled for a moment and I had to stop it from falling several more times, so many more in fact that I was very close to thickening its armature again. But then it finally stood on its own. It looked around for a moment, slowly taking it all in. Remember that lump on its face that I mentioned, well that was supposed to be an eye, and was a pretty good first go, but given it was lone it couldn’t have any depth perception, leading to that wobbly first stand. None the less though it was doing it, adapting. It looked at its arm and lifted it, shifted it. It brought it to its face and the hand was just far enough to see all of it. It moved each of its small, clear, beaded fingers, then looked back up at me. It made a whump sound and just repeated that for several minutes before I picked it up and held it to my chest. We sat there for so long. I think that was the happiest I’ve ever been. At least in this world.